Prodigal

sometimes after having suffered a little while and translated into a realm of blessing, i find myself being even more afraid than ever before to lose that blessing. its the post trauma syndrome whereby i'm so afraid to return to the state where i did't have.

so i find myself at the throne of God more often than usual, speaking in tongues with greater frequency throughout the day, all the while ignoring the person sitting on the throne and allowing myself to sound just like a noisy cymbal to lay a stronger claim on those blessings. i don't have absolute confidence to say that these 'blessings' are NOT transient/elusive but the fact that i fear their absence says alot about my spiritual depravation.

and that's what God wants to address this season for me at least. that i should be consumed by our relationship. its plain insulting to seek His audience just for blessings alone. I was forsaking my first love and these blessings have since exalted themselves against the throne of God in my lives. they've become my idols.

The apostle paul learnt how to abound and to be abased. that is a duality i feel i never truly grasped. i'm so afraid to go without that which my flesh desires as if that is truly the most important thing when Jesus only exhorted us to rejoice simply because our names are written in heaven. indeed, the greatest enemy of best is good.

i was seeking the good instead of the best. i'm ashamed but not afraid to admit that unlike my other christian siblings who could sacrifice it all just out of plain love for God, my heart is miserably small in comparison. i did not have the love of God. i was at the throne day and night but came to the harsh realization that i was not truly abiding.

i remember myself, my interests, my needs as if God didn't already know. i had an orphan spirit that had to be exorcised. yet i had a Father, a bridegroom who sacrificed it all. the thought of Him sacrificing it all so that i can be reconciled to the father and gain instant audience and yet i've abused it as a wishlist dispenser cuts through the heart like no other pain.i was prioritizing suffering avoidance and i was allowing this fear to be my God..to direct my will instead of God himself.

its an insipid thing that has crept in to my being. i shdn't be rememebring how much it will cost me but how much it has cost HIM. as i've been freely given, i ought to freely give and yet here i am...i used to think i can't live without the blessings. that might not be entirely untrue but today i'm confronted painfully that there is no way i can live without the blessor. i can't function or just go ahead blindly without one word from Him and just to hear that familiar whisper in my spirit melts everything i've allowed to harden in me, including my heart.the ridiculous thing is that its not like i even suffered a lot or ever had to go without!

i used to advocate so many years ago that even if Jesus no longer dispenses blessings, by virtue of the fact that he gave me eternal salvation and paid that painful price on the cross, it is more than enough. as i examine my heart today, i've deviated way too far.

but i thank God today that no child is too far out of the reach of His loving arms. and even as my heart finds its way home to where it truly belongs and find acceptance, i know the angels in heaven are doing a little dance. i might not be the typical 'prodigal son' but i just want Him to know..i'm back home.


The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley If You want me to
Cause I'm not who I was When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valleyIf You want me to

Ginny Owens
If you want me to