growing up.

i wanto go so many places so badly i dun even noe why im working for a company that won't move

-fire conference in hk in july (and i've been offered accomodation by two people lor!)
-church camp in KL in june
-zion conference in sg in err..a week's time
-brooklyn tabernacle in new york
-melbourne (again)
-north carolina (not because of clay aiken)

**was talking to my almost 17 year old cousin about her jc posting results. and i just hate to be reminded that jc for me was so 7 years ago. talking to another friend from the pre historic ages to realize that somethings dun change really brings me into a full on confrontation that so much time has truly passed. that i've grown up and gone through well... a host of experiences to be who i am today.

its amazing and appalling at the same time at the realization of how much time actually slipped through unaware. and that time truly does play a part in healing and of coz ageing. that unbeknownst to me, i'm at another threshold of my life awaiting something new to dawn on me.

these days i've learnt to not sweat the small stuff like i used to. im seriously mellowing down and while i like to credit it to good fellowship with the lord, i can't help but think its also a by product of age. 24 is not old, but its somewhere. its an exciting time in adulthood whereby i feel..life truly begins.

back then at 17 where the world was beckoning, i felt powerless to pursue the dreams i wanted to. now i feel like finally my wings have strengthened and i can truly fly and not just dream anymore. its the time of materialization to so many of my dreams and i can't wait to soar with isaac on the wings of Jesus.

i still look back at times and question why. not conciously but only when memories are evoked. but nowadays, i don't grief so much for the lack of answers but smile in triumph knowing that yes, it was bad but God got me over it and thats enough to rejoice. and i have so much to look forward to. i've also learnt to see how blessed i truly am instead of lamenting over what i seemed to lack. the list might be endless but when it comes to what truly matters, i have it all and more.

it seems like a time whereby God is putting his perspective in mine and i can't wait for more. there are answers to questions i might never know for as long as i live but for now while my quest and appetite for answers are pretty much insatiable, i rest inside. knowing somehow that i'm loved which is something i never really dwelt much upon to savour the true sweetness and bask in.

there's a lot more growing up to do in the years ahead and i can only pray that people around be patient with me. there's still remnants of a brat waiting to be exorcised and although i can't bear to let her go, i'll gently loosen my grip.

i feel like i'm loosing myself in the process of all these 'letting go' which i also call self exfoliation but if gaining jesus is the end reward, i'd rather lose myself completely. once i thought i gave it all, left it all at the altar only to realise that i was so caught up in my giving i forgot to partake of the exchange. coz when you give, God always has something back for you, far more superior than what you can possibly think or imagine.

i've got so much instore, so much life to live out.