caving in

today it as made clear to me that i shd not give up..and i need to develop a spirit of perserverance. that even if mountains lay in the way to my promised land, i'd overcome..speak to it, jump over it whatever...that it has to be done.

i don't know why i'm often overcome by impulses to run away from the life that has defined me here. i don't know why i have strong urges every now and then to drop everything and escape..and its not even when the going gets tough.sometimes, i just need to be free from the life and the routines that have become so rigid over the years, stick my head out above them all and breatheee.

when i'm somewhere where nobody knows me and nothing is expected of me, that can be done. suddenly i'm chatty and cheery again while otherwise, the fast paced city life has reduced me to a machine of sorts. sometimes, when i hang up the phone or tell my receptionist to screen my calls while i try to finish report or just get through the emails, i realise that i can live in absolute silence for like 2-3 hrs straight. without talking to anyone. its pure solitude and i just carry on mechanically...unwittingly allowing life to sap right out of me.

then i find myself depleted of any form of interpersonal skills coz i just can't botther to communicate and interact. i wanto crawl into a cave and retreat into oblivion but i'm not even entitled to that respite.

but when i take a break away from being me, i realise i'm capable of more than a conversation. i not just engage people but i guffaw with joy and smile to myself...relishing the pure joy and peace that moment brings. savouring the experiences of sight and sound as the world whizzes by.

but now i'm tasked to 'overcome' and go on inspite of, without that breather that gives me life, without that fuel that spurs me on. and thats what rattles my heart.