almost jacob

the air is so still tonight it's almost suffocating.

there's been so much i want to blog about but haven't found the words/time. i'm still in the 'between the dreaming and the coming true' phase and the Lord has been pretty consistent in confirming and giving me the same word at almost every turn. my emotions are 'rojaked' and i run the whole range : from excitement to fear as i step into the unknown, when the only certainty is really, come what may, He'll be there.

i cannot be so bold to say that i won't fail or there won't be hiccups but i realise that i need to come to a place whereby i cannot fear anything, including failure. even when much is at stake. coz that hinders me from progress and thats death in itself. when i'm so paralyzed with fear i can't even as much as inch forward towards the goal that is so hazy and vague, i'm as good as gone.

so i'm moving foward. slowly but surely. the destination might seem hazy. the road ahead fogged. thank God for light for the step i'm on. i'm going..with the light in me, i'm going to fight all the fear that opposes me and march ahead. life is too short for me to not try, to spend time paralyzed in fear, to not live my dreams. that aside, i also run the risk of letting the little venture on my own define me, my walk, and distract me from chasing God. sometimes i get so carried away with planning and research it seems my prayer life is centered around these things when the innermost of my being cries out for simple plain sweet fellowship with Love itself.

lately, i've been so introspective some might say its bordering on unhealthy.(but i don't think so leh)i'm questioning what i want to achieve in this life so much i'm surprised at my own answers. i realise what i fear most is simply a life without significance. (not lack not cockroaches/butterflies)i want to be significant not in the sense of being in the limelight nor to find worth in the things i do. its hard to explain but i need to find significance in the things i've set my mind to do. because i'm significant to Him and him. i want to do this and this right and to build lasting monuments in life that will leave a good legacy behind for Him and those who come after me. i want to spend my life doing things that are well...worthy.(for the lack of a better word)

now that i've recognized what i truly want, and not what the world advocates i should have in order to be happy, the tough call now is to march against the strong torrent of this culture. i'm tempted to envy when i see the apparent abundance of material goods in another's life until i hear the gentle whisper "Be careful to guard yourselves from every kind of greed. Life is not about having alot of material possessions". (Luke 12.15) then i stop and i realise i can never be fulfilled until i live my call and have what He wants for me and now the prescription of the world.

its strange how i've seen the world toy with the hearts of many and entrap them into the premise that its with great wealth will they find great happiness only to leave them high dry and later on send them 'crash landing ' when they're there. i think its the realization of the futility of their investment of time and various other sacrifices that break these souls. and its harder than i can imagine to struggle against the spirit of the world.