disclaimer: on sat mornings, i blog a lot.
woman on the line: can i direct this to your attention?
me: why do you wanto speak to my technician?
woman on the line: no...i wanto direct this to your attention.
me: but the technicians are on the floor right now...is it urgent?
woman on the line: NOOOO. CAN I DIRECT THIS TO YOUR ATTENTION?
i got it in the end. at the very end. and at two ends of the phoneline, there was one very frustrated exasperated lady and one very embarassed sheep.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
it's easier to borrow someone's words to express how you feel
agreed.
" it turns out that what's important is not everything that you've accumulated all these years, but those few things you can carry with you"
"you can boil your life down to a single suitcase, if you desperately have to.."
-delia hopkins
"..history is indellible. you can mask it; you can patch it smooth and clear; but you will always know what's hidden underneath"
-Fitzwilliams something (i don't know his surname)
"how little remains of the man i once was, save the memory of him!but remembering is only a new form of suffering."
-Charles Baudelaire, La Fanfarlo
**
because i don't seem to have my own words. because i've turned into a handicap when it comes to verbalising and articulation. because im a volcano waiting to erupt.
i feel like this stage of my life involves just gathering artillery, building myself up even when i feel utterly devoid of strength...but i still have to rely on the captain of my heart to soldier me on. isaac once said that in life"you're either preparing to be tested or tested". it's so true. i don't know what we are gearing ourselves for, neither are we actively relishing the fighter mode. we do try to enjoy life, steal time out from busy schedules together but i can't help but feel that we're heading straight for a hurricane...and if we perservere long enough, we'll get into the eye of the hurricane and there'll be peace, not just within but upon.
either way, i expect and wanto pass the test.
this period might appear in the history of my life as truly insignificant. with no particular blow ups or cotton candy skies. but it will not. i'll color it myself if i have to. pray for rain so that i'll see the rainbow.
i refuse to resign myself to the mundaneness that threatens to characterize every living day. i can't help but notice how fast time whizzes past and a strange fear grips me. i don't like to know i'm not actively living every minute and have seconds stolen from me. i wanto live each second circumspectly. i only have a 100 years more...and thats only if Jesus tarries.
i need to work hand in hand with my lord to make something out of this life that He's graced me with. that i will not be common despite being ordinary in the eyes of man. that i'll fulfil His plans and purpose and abandon mine...if they don't fuse anytime soon.
i don't like the feeling of being separate entities of the one i love. esp Jesus and isaac. and it feels especially so when our interests and wants clash and i'm tempted to walk down a separate way. (God forbid)when our interests clash, i know somehow, especially in the case of Jesus, i can't seem to make Him see my point. at least i can try to 'influence' isaac. with the dear omnipotent lord, my word of advice to anyone currently in the same shoes is 'dont even try'.
but i've learnt along the way it only pays to submit. not because fire and brimstone will rain if you don't but He already had your best interests at heart when He wrote those plans. as long as i recognize and acknowledge that often enough, i'll know for sure that truly 'nothing separates me from His love"
**
mei ling comes home on aug 1!!
" it turns out that what's important is not everything that you've accumulated all these years, but those few things you can carry with you"
"you can boil your life down to a single suitcase, if you desperately have to.."
-delia hopkins
"..history is indellible. you can mask it; you can patch it smooth and clear; but you will always know what's hidden underneath"
-Fitzwilliams something (i don't know his surname)
"how little remains of the man i once was, save the memory of him!but remembering is only a new form of suffering."
-Charles Baudelaire, La Fanfarlo
**
because i don't seem to have my own words. because i've turned into a handicap when it comes to verbalising and articulation. because im a volcano waiting to erupt.
i feel like this stage of my life involves just gathering artillery, building myself up even when i feel utterly devoid of strength...but i still have to rely on the captain of my heart to soldier me on. isaac once said that in life"you're either preparing to be tested or tested". it's so true. i don't know what we are gearing ourselves for, neither are we actively relishing the fighter mode. we do try to enjoy life, steal time out from busy schedules together but i can't help but feel that we're heading straight for a hurricane...and if we perservere long enough, we'll get into the eye of the hurricane and there'll be peace, not just within but upon.
either way, i expect and wanto pass the test.
this period might appear in the history of my life as truly insignificant. with no particular blow ups or cotton candy skies. but it will not. i'll color it myself if i have to. pray for rain so that i'll see the rainbow.
i refuse to resign myself to the mundaneness that threatens to characterize every living day. i can't help but notice how fast time whizzes past and a strange fear grips me. i don't like to know i'm not actively living every minute and have seconds stolen from me. i wanto live each second circumspectly. i only have a 100 years more...and thats only if Jesus tarries.
i need to work hand in hand with my lord to make something out of this life that He's graced me with. that i will not be common despite being ordinary in the eyes of man. that i'll fulfil His plans and purpose and abandon mine...if they don't fuse anytime soon.
i don't like the feeling of being separate entities of the one i love. esp Jesus and isaac. and it feels especially so when our interests and wants clash and i'm tempted to walk down a separate way. (God forbid)when our interests clash, i know somehow, especially in the case of Jesus, i can't seem to make Him see my point. at least i can try to 'influence' isaac. with the dear omnipotent lord, my word of advice to anyone currently in the same shoes is 'dont even try'.
but i've learnt along the way it only pays to submit. not because fire and brimstone will rain if you don't but He already had your best interests at heart when He wrote those plans. as long as i recognize and acknowledge that often enough, i'll know for sure that truly 'nothing separates me from His love"
**
mei ling comes home on aug 1!!
Friday, July 28, 2006
work life so far.
you know it's more than a working relationship when they send u birthday msgs close to one year after u've left the company..
ahh.i miss my ex colleagues and boss from THE hotel.
and when i told them i'm now close to colleagueless and holding the fort alone since the rest resigned..they just go ' what?u chased them away?"
i hope you all are doing well and fine. thanks for being the best. i truly miss being part of a team.
it's been pretty lonely working alone, handling crises alone etc. somedays i lose steam being frazzled i don't even kancheong anymore. i just swallow the stress unconciously until i feel so terribly sick i wanto explode.
it's a wonderful learning experience and it'll definitely look remarkable on the resume but some company would really be good...
i feel like i've been cast out of civilization and i've resorted talking to the computer. sometimes i'm so frustrated i sing out loud and there's not even a person to hush me. i just hope there's no cctv.
ahh.i miss my ex colleagues and boss from THE hotel.
and when i told them i'm now close to colleagueless and holding the fort alone since the rest resigned..they just go ' what?u chased them away?"
i hope you all are doing well and fine. thanks for being the best. i truly miss being part of a team.
it's been pretty lonely working alone, handling crises alone etc. somedays i lose steam being frazzled i don't even kancheong anymore. i just swallow the stress unconciously until i feel so terribly sick i wanto explode.
it's a wonderful learning experience and it'll definitely look remarkable on the resume but some company would really be good...
i feel like i've been cast out of civilization and i've resorted talking to the computer. sometimes i'm so frustrated i sing out loud and there's not even a person to hush me. i just hope there's no cctv.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
shed light
"we are not, as you'd expect, orchestrating their lives; we are not even trying for a second chance. we're hoping that if this one thing takes root, it might take up enough light and space to keep something else from developing in our children: the disappointment we've already lived"
-a parent.
-a parent.
Monday, July 24, 2006
the not so magical number.
its been wrong.
the past week has had me edgy and feeling angsty. maybe its part of turning 23. i don't like the sound of that. i like the sound of 17. its too early to be advancing in my twenties. i've got so much more to do and so much more i'm unsure of. please don't ask me to plan for my future. i'm sure my future is planned..just not by me. i just wanto stick to His plans in the meantime because i'm so scared. i'm so afraid when i see how blur i really can get. how stupid my decisions can be. how warped my thought life can be.
so in Your hands i lay my plans. in Your arms i rest.
there are so many answers i seek lately. haven't honestly prayed through them but i refuse vehemently to think through them knowing where my pondering leads- no where. all i know is that He loves me. He has a good plan and my birthday wish this year is just that pls give me alot alot of grace to be obedient, to do His will and truly shine as His daughter.
**
i've been wanted to call some friends out and pour my heart out but unfortunately, we are too busy. and all too ironically, i'm not sure if i can find the words to verbalise and make sense of everything. and usually, the mei ling who maketh sense of my crazy universe, is in a country pronounced as ''kah zaa stahn''. i don't even know the real spelling. its a mission trip and a part of me wishe di was there. i know i complain abt dirty toilets endlessly but i think nothing beats doing His work if you're equipped.
for now i'm relegated to being a partner of a few ministries here and there. and when i get a computer generated thank you note with updates abt that missionary's work...i somehow already feel like i'm part of it. and i say under my breath to the letter (as if those far away cld hear), '' one day i'll give you more''. hoping they'll hear. hoping He'll hear too.
**
shuxin, read this part.
ok i've more or less brought it up to my boss. he seems to think its ok. i'll be booking the tickets nxt monday. with emirates. coz i called m'sian airlines up and they were so rude to me over the phone. they literally scolded me because i asked them silly questions about transit.
so PLS PLS PLS confirm with me if the dates 28 sept to arrive is ok.
thanks for having me. i'll try not to be a nuisance and not get lost when u're in sch.
i can't wait!!we can cook and cook and eat my cooking!!(ok i know this part is less exciting but if its really horrible, we can think about those hungry pple in third world country and be thankful. den it'll be less painful)
**
that's about it. i'm so tired and spent. working on behalf of two people is so not easy.
turning 23 in 2.5 hours.
i need to hide under my bed.
the past week has had me edgy and feeling angsty. maybe its part of turning 23. i don't like the sound of that. i like the sound of 17. its too early to be advancing in my twenties. i've got so much more to do and so much more i'm unsure of. please don't ask me to plan for my future. i'm sure my future is planned..just not by me. i just wanto stick to His plans in the meantime because i'm so scared. i'm so afraid when i see how blur i really can get. how stupid my decisions can be. how warped my thought life can be.
so in Your hands i lay my plans. in Your arms i rest.
there are so many answers i seek lately. haven't honestly prayed through them but i refuse vehemently to think through them knowing where my pondering leads- no where. all i know is that He loves me. He has a good plan and my birthday wish this year is just that pls give me alot alot of grace to be obedient, to do His will and truly shine as His daughter.
**
i've been wanted to call some friends out and pour my heart out but unfortunately, we are too busy. and all too ironically, i'm not sure if i can find the words to verbalise and make sense of everything. and usually, the mei ling who maketh sense of my crazy universe, is in a country pronounced as ''kah zaa stahn''. i don't even know the real spelling. its a mission trip and a part of me wishe di was there. i know i complain abt dirty toilets endlessly but i think nothing beats doing His work if you're equipped.
for now i'm relegated to being a partner of a few ministries here and there. and when i get a computer generated thank you note with updates abt that missionary's work...i somehow already feel like i'm part of it. and i say under my breath to the letter (as if those far away cld hear), '' one day i'll give you more''. hoping they'll hear. hoping He'll hear too.
**
shuxin, read this part.
ok i've more or less brought it up to my boss. he seems to think its ok. i'll be booking the tickets nxt monday. with emirates. coz i called m'sian airlines up and they were so rude to me over the phone. they literally scolded me because i asked them silly questions about transit.
so PLS PLS PLS confirm with me if the dates 28 sept to arrive is ok.
thanks for having me. i'll try not to be a nuisance and not get lost when u're in sch.
i can't wait!!we can cook and cook and eat my cooking!!(ok i know this part is less exciting but if its really horrible, we can think about those hungry pple in third world country and be thankful. den it'll be less painful)
**
that's about it. i'm so tired and spent. working on behalf of two people is so not easy.
turning 23 in 2.5 hours.
i need to hide under my bed.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
broken bridges
"..people don't vanish into thin air; that when you can't find someone, it's because you've been misdirected to look elsewhere"
-Jodi Picoult
" I think it is a matter of love: the more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is"
-Vladimir Nabokov
**
Is it truly possible to ever stop mourning the demise/disappearance of someone whose live and soul was so closely intertwined with yours?
I really don't have the answer. It is just a general question and it is not limited to death. Sometimes people are lost because they've moved, be it a different country or different realm. Sometimes it is heaven and hell that separates. Some separations are temporal while sadly for many many, it is eternal.
How does one deal with grief in these cases when the stark truth just confronts you so blankly and mercilessly? It is undeniable. It is not just a goodbye. It is forever. I guess even God does not know how to answer this question because He says goodbye to so many people who'd choose hell over His gift of life- Jesus Christ. I don't know how He'll ever heal and because the thought of saying that kinda goodbye is so painful for me to even imagine, it nearly drives me to go on my own 'save-the-world' rampage.
devil beware. if this impulse is strong enough,you'll soon find yourself alone in hell.
Back to where I started. I'm not expecting anyone to answer my question. Perhaps give me an insight as to how its coped with. Not that I really need to know (God forbid) but i can't help wondering these days about the same topic.
I've never dealt well with goodbyes or farewells of any sort. I empty every last drop of H2O in me whenever i have to. and sometimes, many years since a last goodbye, i still grief that separation. sometimes, its a demise of a friendship, sometimes its a demise..simply of a person who briefly crossed my path.
i cannot fathom the heartwrenching pain and the death that seeps into the hearts of those left behind. if your souls are so intertwined and yet you're torn apart, doesn't a part of you die with the demise? i guess that's why breakups and divorces take forever for some people to heal. and very often, many people never heal. coz its ripping two hearts that have been fused together apart. when you do something like that, you're not left with one whole heart but just a bloody mess of mush.
people don't stop loving just because one is gone. people love on and just have to magically allow room to be created to love someone else. its extra hard as now you only have mush to work on.this process takes God because human hands are only capable of creating heartbreak, not hearts. the memory of the gone will live on. but i guess its really up to those who are left behind to choose whether to create new memories on cling on to old ones and old ones only.
-Jodi Picoult
" I think it is a matter of love: the more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is"
-Vladimir Nabokov
**
Is it truly possible to ever stop mourning the demise/disappearance of someone whose live and soul was so closely intertwined with yours?
I really don't have the answer. It is just a general question and it is not limited to death. Sometimes people are lost because they've moved, be it a different country or different realm. Sometimes it is heaven and hell that separates. Some separations are temporal while sadly for many many, it is eternal.
How does one deal with grief in these cases when the stark truth just confronts you so blankly and mercilessly? It is undeniable. It is not just a goodbye. It is forever. I guess even God does not know how to answer this question because He says goodbye to so many people who'd choose hell over His gift of life- Jesus Christ. I don't know how He'll ever heal and because the thought of saying that kinda goodbye is so painful for me to even imagine, it nearly drives me to go on my own 'save-the-world' rampage.
devil beware. if this impulse is strong enough,you'll soon find yourself alone in hell.
Back to where I started. I'm not expecting anyone to answer my question. Perhaps give me an insight as to how its coped with. Not that I really need to know (God forbid) but i can't help wondering these days about the same topic.
I've never dealt well with goodbyes or farewells of any sort. I empty every last drop of H2O in me whenever i have to. and sometimes, many years since a last goodbye, i still grief that separation. sometimes, its a demise of a friendship, sometimes its a demise..simply of a person who briefly crossed my path.
i cannot fathom the heartwrenching pain and the death that seeps into the hearts of those left behind. if your souls are so intertwined and yet you're torn apart, doesn't a part of you die with the demise? i guess that's why breakups and divorces take forever for some people to heal. and very often, many people never heal. coz its ripping two hearts that have been fused together apart. when you do something like that, you're not left with one whole heart but just a bloody mess of mush.
people don't stop loving just because one is gone. people love on and just have to magically allow room to be created to love someone else. its extra hard as now you only have mush to work on.this process takes God because human hands are only capable of creating heartbreak, not hearts. the memory of the gone will live on. but i guess its really up to those who are left behind to choose whether to create new memories on cling on to old ones and old ones only.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
RIB
i'm on mc and trying my best to rest and not think about the work awaiting me.
obviously, i'm having great difficulty.
**
i live my life vicariously through books and tv dramas. i usually try to steer clear of weepies because i know it gets too much out of me (to the point that i dehydrate from crying) . so yesterday, as i approached the final chapters of the book, i realised it was gg to be a real sob ending. i had no clue, no warning prior to this and this is an author who has been acclaimed to finish his endings off beautifully with great inspiration.
i felt betrayed at the tragedy that awaited and how quickly it was finished off. shoddily. i was so upset but it didn't stop me from bawling my eyes out. so today, i'm still sick and i have ugly swollen eyes to go with the complete sick look. yay. actually i sobbed so hard i oso ended up nearly throwing up and choking. so i'm actually sicker than before and uglier too.
i have nothing else to say. except that i''m still trying not to think about work and try my best to rest.
obviously, i'm having great difficulty.
**
i live my life vicariously through books and tv dramas. i usually try to steer clear of weepies because i know it gets too much out of me (to the point that i dehydrate from crying) . so yesterday, as i approached the final chapters of the book, i realised it was gg to be a real sob ending. i had no clue, no warning prior to this and this is an author who has been acclaimed to finish his endings off beautifully with great inspiration.
i felt betrayed at the tragedy that awaited and how quickly it was finished off. shoddily. i was so upset but it didn't stop me from bawling my eyes out. so today, i'm still sick and i have ugly swollen eyes to go with the complete sick look. yay. actually i sobbed so hard i oso ended up nearly throwing up and choking. so i'm actually sicker than before and uglier too.
i have nothing else to say. except that i''m still trying not to think about work and try my best to rest.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
i just love you for you.
duckobell this year was extra eventful.
we didn't get anytime alone together but it was well spent. we'll celebrate on our own another day.yesterday we had a wonderful opportunity to sow into the marriage of our beloved friend and brother who got married! it was so beautiful and i can't believe that we're finally seeing it happen. i really believe that its no coincidence that we were able to sow into a marriage on the same day we turned 3.
i even prayed that i'd be more than satisfied if God gave me a wedding half as glorious. darzen even have to be in a 5star hotel with a banquet. and after i said this prayer i honestly thought i heard Him say 'NO ' to my request. and of coz i was about to scream back 'GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN!!" but when i heard the reply, i nearly broke down there and then coz my beloved Father reminded me that He'll never accede to my request when i ask for less, only more.
**
halfway through the wedding i felt an incredible surge of love towards isaac. (oops) i realized that somewhere along the way, i started to nitpick about too many things. about him not being romantic enough, spontaneous enough and alll too woodblockish. and i forgot to celebrate the qualities tt drew me to him in the first place. i forgot to celebrate the spontaneity of our relationship and how it was birthed. i forgot to celebrate the presence of Jesus in our relationship and instead i directedmy attention to the absence of many many other insignificant things.
my priorities got messed up somewhere along the way and i forgot how it felt like to be the most blessed girl in the world just because i'm his. watching julian cry when michelle officially became mrs yang made me realise how wonderful and how great a miracle it is to be able to be with the one you love themost. it takes so much just for that to happen. infact, it takes God. thats why 'star-crossed' lovers can never be together no matter how much they try and how some unions just fall into place nothing can tear them apart.
i had such a surge of gratitude towards Jesus for authorizing and beginning this relationship. because isaac is truly everything i ever wanted ..and slightly more. (okthe woodblock part is can go but i'm praying it slowly chips away) i used to think his blurness was CUTE then after that it jsut got so much on my nerves it made me scream in frustration. and he had to adjust to all these changes in my attitude. while i used to accept him just as he was, i later tried to change him. and all this while, he only tried to change for me, never demanded once that i did the same for him even though i honestly could be more.
i once saidin a post so long ago that i truly value acceptance. acceptance from my friends that i cancome to them just as i am, ungroomed, blur, chor lor and loud. but little did i realize i cheapened and neglected his unconditional acceptance and love for me. (although he did briefly mention that i was prettier when i presented myself to be of more 'marriageable quality')
the wedding yesterday jolted me from all that. as i stole a glance at my husband-to-be, i remembered exactly why i wanted to marry him and still do. why i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and still do. how despite being the only one who can drive me to tears, he is also perhaps the only one who can truly make me happy.
i'll forever thank God for the day that isaac's name was written in the book of life, foreverthank God for then bringing him into my life. i'll celebrate our salvations, and truly rejoice always. just as paul advocated.
thank you Jesus.
thank you darling.
only God knows how much i truly love you, thats why He didn't allow me to forget you and us.
we didn't get anytime alone together but it was well spent. we'll celebrate on our own another day.yesterday we had a wonderful opportunity to sow into the marriage of our beloved friend and brother who got married! it was so beautiful and i can't believe that we're finally seeing it happen. i really believe that its no coincidence that we were able to sow into a marriage on the same day we turned 3.
i even prayed that i'd be more than satisfied if God gave me a wedding half as glorious. darzen even have to be in a 5star hotel with a banquet. and after i said this prayer i honestly thought i heard Him say 'NO ' to my request. and of coz i was about to scream back 'GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN!!" but when i heard the reply, i nearly broke down there and then coz my beloved Father reminded me that He'll never accede to my request when i ask for less, only more.
**
halfway through the wedding i felt an incredible surge of love towards isaac. (oops) i realized that somewhere along the way, i started to nitpick about too many things. about him not being romantic enough, spontaneous enough and alll too woodblockish. and i forgot to celebrate the qualities tt drew me to him in the first place. i forgot to celebrate the spontaneity of our relationship and how it was birthed. i forgot to celebrate the presence of Jesus in our relationship and instead i directedmy attention to the absence of many many other insignificant things.
my priorities got messed up somewhere along the way and i forgot how it felt like to be the most blessed girl in the world just because i'm his. watching julian cry when michelle officially became mrs yang made me realise how wonderful and how great a miracle it is to be able to be with the one you love themost. it takes so much just for that to happen. infact, it takes God. thats why 'star-crossed' lovers can never be together no matter how much they try and how some unions just fall into place nothing can tear them apart.
i had such a surge of gratitude towards Jesus for authorizing and beginning this relationship. because isaac is truly everything i ever wanted ..and slightly more. (okthe woodblock part is can go but i'm praying it slowly chips away) i used to think his blurness was CUTE then after that it jsut got so much on my nerves it made me scream in frustration. and he had to adjust to all these changes in my attitude. while i used to accept him just as he was, i later tried to change him. and all this while, he only tried to change for me, never demanded once that i did the same for him even though i honestly could be more.
i once saidin a post so long ago that i truly value acceptance. acceptance from my friends that i cancome to them just as i am, ungroomed, blur, chor lor and loud. but little did i realize i cheapened and neglected his unconditional acceptance and love for me. (although he did briefly mention that i was prettier when i presented myself to be of more 'marriageable quality')
the wedding yesterday jolted me from all that. as i stole a glance at my husband-to-be, i remembered exactly why i wanted to marry him and still do. why i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and still do. how despite being the only one who can drive me to tears, he is also perhaps the only one who can truly make me happy.
i'll forever thank God for the day that isaac's name was written in the book of life, foreverthank God for then bringing him into my life. i'll celebrate our salvations, and truly rejoice always. just as paul advocated.
thank you Jesus.
thank you darling.
only God knows how much i truly love you, thats why He didn't allow me to forget you and us.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
IPO day
me: hey you're gg too fast!
friend: don't worry....this car is quite sturdy. it has airbags.
me: i don't plan to use them!?!
**
it went something like that...
me: okok i wanto go to the great ocean road when i go over!
she offered to drive.
i told her that i don't want to wake up from a long drive to find myself in the water. she corrected me by saying, " oh no..you'll just find yourself in heaven"
**
friend: don't worry....this car is quite sturdy. it has airbags.
me: i don't plan to use them!?!
**
it went something like that...
me: okok i wanto go to the great ocean road when i go over!
she offered to drive.
i told her that i don't want to wake up from a long drive to find myself in the water. she corrected me by saying, " oh no..you'll just find yourself in heaven"
**
Monday, July 03, 2006
revelation
only today i realised that i actually have to OK the comments for them to be posted.
now blogger is behaving like friendster.
don't know who is that idiot who went to change the settings for me (although i suspect its yours truly)
so finally now the comments can be seen. but of coz, me being me, i accidentally deleted some of the comments lah so yah back to square one. so i'm sorry to those whose comments disappeared. your friend here is not bill gates. i have an aura that causes technology to fail.
so yes, thanks for letting me know that this is not a soliloquy.
now blogger is behaving like friendster.
don't know who is that idiot who went to change the settings for me (although i suspect its yours truly)
so finally now the comments can be seen. but of coz, me being me, i accidentally deleted some of the comments lah so yah back to square one. so i'm sorry to those whose comments disappeared. your friend here is not bill gates. i have an aura that causes technology to fail.
so yes, thanks for letting me know that this is not a soliloquy.
a vote of confidence please.
me: boss, i need to apply leave in august
boss: what for?
me: oh i got driving test
boss: what date is it again?
me: aug 4th.
boss : ok thanks for telling me.i'll avoid the roads then.
me: =(
**
boss to another colleague: i won't be coming in on jul 10th.
colleague: oh ok. why?
boss: coz i need to avoid her-points to me-thats the day she got driving test rite?so i can't drive lor.
colleague: nono.hers is in aug. you can still drive in july.
me: !?!?
**
they couldn't have known. they couldnt have known that i stopped for birds on the road, take 10 minutes to change lanes, miss the red light, scream when i turn, stop breathing when i park.
unless my instructor has been an informant.
this phenomenon puzzles me. until i realised they deduced my credibility as a driver from how often i bang into walls, walk into doors and trip over imaginary pop up objects.
boss: what for?
me: oh i got driving test
boss: what date is it again?
me: aug 4th.
boss : ok thanks for telling me.i'll avoid the roads then.
me: =(
**
boss to another colleague: i won't be coming in on jul 10th.
colleague: oh ok. why?
boss: coz i need to avoid her-points to me-thats the day she got driving test rite?so i can't drive lor.
colleague: nono.hers is in aug. you can still drive in july.
me: !?!?
**
they couldn't have known. they couldnt have known that i stopped for birds on the road, take 10 minutes to change lanes, miss the red light, scream when i turn, stop breathing when i park.
unless my instructor has been an informant.
this phenomenon puzzles me. until i realised they deduced my credibility as a driver from how often i bang into walls, walk into doors and trip over imaginary pop up objects.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
don't look too closely at me.
feels as if someone has put a magnifying glass on me and i feel scruntinised.
and no im not exactly excited because someone is finally going to see the Jesus embedded in me. i feel as if my faults and weaknesses are coming out in full glory this season instead. feel so weak and decrepit. [insert: His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses] and the worst of all...useless. i truly have nothing to boast about (never had the money the looks or the smarts anyway) but now its slapping me in the face. that somehow i'm reallly realllly nothing!! apart from Jesus, i'm truly empty in every sense of the word! i need mercy just to get through a single work day with my blunders at all.
i shy away coz i know that if anyone were to look closely enough, have a sharp enough eyesight, they'd see that i'm really not that special. that i'm actually almost inferior, just well disguised. these days, i cling on to Jesus and my heart really drops to my toes when i realised that i made the same blunder so many times in a row. i spend a considerable amount of time rectifying my mistakes and it does not feel good. at all.
my superiors and bosses are wonderful and been showing me great mercy and grace. so the more i wanto be good and efficient, the more frustrated i become coz its so difficult the exorcise the sotong that lives in me!
maybe i'm too impatient as i'm still at the teething stage anyway. but i can't help but wonder...what good am i really am to God? i'm not an asset in His kingdom i know. i know He took me in sheerly out of His grace and love and i'm undeserving. but if this exemplifies to many others that God does not take people in based on the criteria of how 'useful' they're gg to be but out of grace and mercy, then i guess i'd have served my purpose on earth.
there are so many dreams that i have in my heart. for Him that includes me. but right now i feel so limited and restricted by the impossibilites that are laughing in my face. however, it does not take great courage and faith to laugh back at them because i see Jesus doing just that. apart of me is still hanging on wondering and excited at how Jesus will use me and fulfil His specific word: God will use the foolish to confound the mighty.
**
i used to think, if people knew God's heart towards me and how He sees me , they wouldn't treat me the way they do. (ie. nastily)(i haven't always been kind myself)
yesterday it dawned on me. if i truly believed God's heart towards me and how He sees me, i wouldn't have held it against them. coz i've escaped the pardon myself by a close shave and thus, who am i to impose it on others?
if i truly saw myself as the righteousness of God and a priest and king in His kingdom, would i really care abt things as small as ...THEM?(ok there i go again. the nasty bug). no, these things wouldn't bother me coz i'd have no time for these. i'd be busy over Him instead and His glory and advancing and furthering His kingdom.
God has some major refocusing to do in this lamb. lost. as . usual.
and no im not exactly excited because someone is finally going to see the Jesus embedded in me. i feel as if my faults and weaknesses are coming out in full glory this season instead. feel so weak and decrepit. [insert: His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses] and the worst of all...useless. i truly have nothing to boast about (never had the money the looks or the smarts anyway) but now its slapping me in the face. that somehow i'm reallly realllly nothing!! apart from Jesus, i'm truly empty in every sense of the word! i need mercy just to get through a single work day with my blunders at all.
i shy away coz i know that if anyone were to look closely enough, have a sharp enough eyesight, they'd see that i'm really not that special. that i'm actually almost inferior, just well disguised. these days, i cling on to Jesus and my heart really drops to my toes when i realised that i made the same blunder so many times in a row. i spend a considerable amount of time rectifying my mistakes and it does not feel good. at all.
my superiors and bosses are wonderful and been showing me great mercy and grace. so the more i wanto be good and efficient, the more frustrated i become coz its so difficult the exorcise the sotong that lives in me!
maybe i'm too impatient as i'm still at the teething stage anyway. but i can't help but wonder...what good am i really am to God? i'm not an asset in His kingdom i know. i know He took me in sheerly out of His grace and love and i'm undeserving. but if this exemplifies to many others that God does not take people in based on the criteria of how 'useful' they're gg to be but out of grace and mercy, then i guess i'd have served my purpose on earth.
there are so many dreams that i have in my heart. for Him that includes me. but right now i feel so limited and restricted by the impossibilites that are laughing in my face. however, it does not take great courage and faith to laugh back at them because i see Jesus doing just that. apart of me is still hanging on wondering and excited at how Jesus will use me and fulfil His specific word: God will use the foolish to confound the mighty.
**
i used to think, if people knew God's heart towards me and how He sees me , they wouldn't treat me the way they do. (ie. nastily)(i haven't always been kind myself)
yesterday it dawned on me. if i truly believed God's heart towards me and how He sees me, i wouldn't have held it against them. coz i've escaped the pardon myself by a close shave and thus, who am i to impose it on others?
if i truly saw myself as the righteousness of God and a priest and king in His kingdom, would i really care abt things as small as ...THEM?(ok there i go again. the nasty bug). no, these things wouldn't bother me coz i'd have no time for these. i'd be busy over Him instead and His glory and advancing and furthering His kingdom.
God has some major refocusing to do in this lamb. lost. as . usual.
Monday, June 26, 2006
x** y***
now i know why i enjoy drinking tuna oil and love to eat tuna straight out from the cans so much.
apparently, according to some website...
my name is used to describe someone who enjoys stealing tins of TUNA.
apparently, according to some website...
my name is used to describe someone who enjoys stealing tins of TUNA.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
the wonderering wonder of God.
He is alwayssss doing this to me.
He'll start by making me question something. then i'll ride on the question and brood over it. rack my brains upside down and still have no answer. then now i can't get rid of the question.
thus, establishing the theme of the day!
then He'll perform His magic and unravel the big mystery.
i'll read abt it in my devotionals, talk abt it to my bf who will seem to know all the scriptures related to this somehow, and then just when we thought we were almost through with this topic, dear walking bible bf will have a new burst of scriptures related and the whole picture will be pieced up nicely.
and we'll understand somewhat and go "WAHHHH''
usually this entire process takes one day or more.
**
today it dawned on me i'm almost like a female jacob. someone close briefly commented and mind you, its not too flattering. its one thing to say 'oh you have a heart of david..a heart that seeks after God" and another to say you are like jacob. with all due respect to jacob, erm..sorry.
i'm not like jacob in the sense that i'll marry two women/men who are related to EACH OTHER. its more like in the sense that i'm so hard to subdue..by God. i'm impulsive rebellious and irreverent. too much so for my own good. i've wrestled with God, been outright disobedient and ended up in the wilderness running from Godknows what and running to God knows where.
its been repeated bouts of that coz sometimes i just can't subdue my own flesh to be obedient. to believe that what He says its the best for me. i cannot guarantee that it will never happen again but at least this time, each time i decide to be funny...i'll rethink my decision coz i'll remember the futility of it.
i'm also not like him in the sense that i'll have 10 children. (i'll just have a 1000) but that i'm so blessing hungry that its brought me to the place i forgot the blessor. the upside to this attribute is that i know i can't do it on my own without God (but it hazznt stopped me from testing this truth out!) and the utter downside is that i totally neglect the blessor which is the truest epitome of blessing anyway. i have to get refocused and redirected.
ok now, don't judge me.
He'll start by making me question something. then i'll ride on the question and brood over it. rack my brains upside down and still have no answer. then now i can't get rid of the question.
thus, establishing the theme of the day!
then He'll perform His magic and unravel the big mystery.
i'll read abt it in my devotionals, talk abt it to my bf who will seem to know all the scriptures related to this somehow, and then just when we thought we were almost through with this topic, dear walking bible bf will have a new burst of scriptures related and the whole picture will be pieced up nicely.
and we'll understand somewhat and go "WAHHHH''
usually this entire process takes one day or more.
**
today it dawned on me i'm almost like a female jacob. someone close briefly commented and mind you, its not too flattering. its one thing to say 'oh you have a heart of david..a heart that seeks after God" and another to say you are like jacob. with all due respect to jacob, erm..sorry.
i'm not like jacob in the sense that i'll marry two women/men who are related to EACH OTHER. its more like in the sense that i'm so hard to subdue..by God. i'm impulsive rebellious and irreverent. too much so for my own good. i've wrestled with God, been outright disobedient and ended up in the wilderness running from Godknows what and running to God knows where.
its been repeated bouts of that coz sometimes i just can't subdue my own flesh to be obedient. to believe that what He says its the best for me. i cannot guarantee that it will never happen again but at least this time, each time i decide to be funny...i'll rethink my decision coz i'll remember the futility of it.
i'm also not like him in the sense that i'll have 10 children. (i'll just have a 1000) but that i'm so blessing hungry that its brought me to the place i forgot the blessor. the upside to this attribute is that i know i can't do it on my own without God (but it hazznt stopped me from testing this truth out!) and the utter downside is that i totally neglect the blessor which is the truest epitome of blessing anyway. i have to get refocused and redirected.
ok now, don't judge me.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
torrential rain.
i wonder if He spends His time in heaven looking down on all of us and cry and cry while His heart is totally gripped with pain.
because sometimes i feel like that. i cry for everyone it seems and anyone. (ok you you you and you might be excluded.) and i cry again because i feel so helpless not being able to help.
i don't know how to disengage myself or feel less.even if i've only known you for two seconds/two days/two hours. and so it goes on to affect me.
if it lessens anybody else's load, at least it'd be worth it. but it doesn't. but at least it drives me to pray. i just wanto see it work. please be open.
aside to me: please be patient.
so dream a little dream for me in hopes that i'll remain
and cry a little, cry for me so that i can bear the pain
and hurt a little hurt for me, my future is so bold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they the hammer holds
the task before me may seem unclear
but it, my maker holds
-bebo norman, the hammer holds
because sometimes i feel like that. i cry for everyone it seems and anyone. (ok you you you and you might be excluded.) and i cry again because i feel so helpless not being able to help.
i don't know how to disengage myself or feel less.even if i've only known you for two seconds/two days/two hours. and so it goes on to affect me.
if it lessens anybody else's load, at least it'd be worth it. but it doesn't. but at least it drives me to pray. i just wanto see it work. please be open.
aside to me: please be patient.
so dream a little dream for me in hopes that i'll remain
and cry a little, cry for me so that i can bear the pain
and hurt a little hurt for me, my future is so bold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they the hammer holds
the task before me may seem unclear
but it, my maker holds
-bebo norman, the hammer holds
Monday, June 19, 2006
a glimpse into a parent's heart.
when on mc im pretty bored.
i found this..by a guy called tom fisher.
lately i've been thinking of how much i wanto adopt. actually not so lately. ever since last christmas when i signed up with shaohannah's hope. (i can't remember the website). it warms my heart knowing my little contribution helped a little child find a nice warm christian home. i used to wanto build orphanages. now i'd rather help build homes and hopes for orphans. for the record, there are more than 50 million orphans worldwide right now.
i think and smile when i see the happy pictures they post. and then i cry about the parents they leave behind. yes, i know most of them were abandoned in the first place but i started thinking of parents who birthed them out of unfortunate circumstances and wedlock and chose to give them up for abortion for reasons no one else will every understand. inspite of the pain and difficulty.
then i cry and cry. as usual. i'm thoroughly convinced while you normal pple are 70% made of water, i'm 120 %.
anyway here goes..
I dream of you
today i'm sitting at the spot
i call our secret place
with eyes closed tight i dream of you
the tears stream down my face
i left you here a year ago
it was to my despair
the emptiness within me
is more than i can bear
where are you today my darling?
where are you today my dear?
a part of me is missing
i wish you still were here
are you perhaps in china?
maybe right down the street
sometimes i walk right by that place
hoping our eyes will meet
i left you here my daughter
i left you in this place
each time i close my eyes at night
my dreams fill with your face
i will always love you
i will always care
even though i left you here
my dreams are yours to share
please forgive me little one
there was no other choice
when you close your eyes at night
your heartbeat is my voice.
i found this..by a guy called tom fisher.
lately i've been thinking of how much i wanto adopt. actually not so lately. ever since last christmas when i signed up with shaohannah's hope. (i can't remember the website). it warms my heart knowing my little contribution helped a little child find a nice warm christian home. i used to wanto build orphanages. now i'd rather help build homes and hopes for orphans. for the record, there are more than 50 million orphans worldwide right now.
i think and smile when i see the happy pictures they post. and then i cry about the parents they leave behind. yes, i know most of them were abandoned in the first place but i started thinking of parents who birthed them out of unfortunate circumstances and wedlock and chose to give them up for abortion for reasons no one else will every understand. inspite of the pain and difficulty.
then i cry and cry. as usual. i'm thoroughly convinced while you normal pple are 70% made of water, i'm 120 %.
anyway here goes..
I dream of you
today i'm sitting at the spot
i call our secret place
with eyes closed tight i dream of you
the tears stream down my face
i left you here a year ago
it was to my despair
the emptiness within me
is more than i can bear
where are you today my darling?
where are you today my dear?
a part of me is missing
i wish you still were here
are you perhaps in china?
maybe right down the street
sometimes i walk right by that place
hoping our eyes will meet
i left you here my daughter
i left you in this place
each time i close my eyes at night
my dreams fill with your face
i will always love you
i will always care
even though i left you here
my dreams are yours to share
please forgive me little one
there was no other choice
when you close your eyes at night
your heartbeat is my voice.
documenting grace.
king david always turned to the lord no matter how bad the trouble was. even when the root cause of the trouble was wrought by him. only God could deliver and save and he had the best revelation of them all. that he could not save himself.
i clearly didn't have that revelation. i have no doubt only God alone could save me from hell but as i sojourn this earth and find myself in bottomless pits (not my stomach!) or valleys, i sought my own strength and devices to get 'through it'. i've tried everything from numbing myself by distractions to just willing myself in vain to get over it. nothing quite works until i allowed God to intervene.
it must be the greatest revelation of all. to know that God will always save His own no matter what. that He is faithful. that only He alone can truly save. i learnt that today and its liberating. nothing is too small for my God. even me. i'm not so insignifant that i can escape the eyes of God because He has converged all His love for me in me, on me. yes, the world is fighting wars from political, physical to spiritual and God cares about my little hurt. even when i don't dare to bring it to Him because i no longer know if its OK to do so. coz i'll be bringing not praise and offering to the throne but my little thorny bloody heart.
i thought that even if He is not sick of seeing me for the upteenth time with the same gift, i am. i thought one day, i'll bring something better. maybe that one day will come but for now this is all i have to give. and i give not because i love Him. not because its a wonderful gift but because He loves me and its horrid and He wants to take it away from me and give me something new, something better.
sometimes when i do know God in the rare moments like this when i'm slapped by His grace and kidnapped by His love i can't feel anything else, i really am shocked by Him. and how BIG all things about Him really are and how small i really am. but i'm not so small that His hand can't reach.
there is really nothing to balance grace, contrary to what i've been hearing. sure there are abusers of grace and i've been there when i get really mad because people really do abuse the liberty they've been given and seek pleasure in sin. but God's stance remains unchanged. grace is still shamlessly abundant even when sin is abundant. grace is still for the undeserving. grace is the open door for sinners to come home, for people who've failed time and again but still wanto come home. Jesus, being the personification of grace is the open door.
because i've walked through this door daily, i realised its never closed no matter what hour of the day it is. never mind that wars are raging and soccer fever is on. the operation hours of the throne room of God where rivers of healing flows remain the same. open to all, as usual.
i clearly didn't have that revelation. i have no doubt only God alone could save me from hell but as i sojourn this earth and find myself in bottomless pits (not my stomach!) or valleys, i sought my own strength and devices to get 'through it'. i've tried everything from numbing myself by distractions to just willing myself in vain to get over it. nothing quite works until i allowed God to intervene.
it must be the greatest revelation of all. to know that God will always save His own no matter what. that He is faithful. that only He alone can truly save. i learnt that today and its liberating. nothing is too small for my God. even me. i'm not so insignifant that i can escape the eyes of God because He has converged all His love for me in me, on me. yes, the world is fighting wars from political, physical to spiritual and God cares about my little hurt. even when i don't dare to bring it to Him because i no longer know if its OK to do so. coz i'll be bringing not praise and offering to the throne but my little thorny bloody heart.
i thought that even if He is not sick of seeing me for the upteenth time with the same gift, i am. i thought one day, i'll bring something better. maybe that one day will come but for now this is all i have to give. and i give not because i love Him. not because its a wonderful gift but because He loves me and its horrid and He wants to take it away from me and give me something new, something better.
sometimes when i do know God in the rare moments like this when i'm slapped by His grace and kidnapped by His love i can't feel anything else, i really am shocked by Him. and how BIG all things about Him really are and how small i really am. but i'm not so small that His hand can't reach.
there is really nothing to balance grace, contrary to what i've been hearing. sure there are abusers of grace and i've been there when i get really mad because people really do abuse the liberty they've been given and seek pleasure in sin. but God's stance remains unchanged. grace is still shamlessly abundant even when sin is abundant. grace is still for the undeserving. grace is the open door for sinners to come home, for people who've failed time and again but still wanto come home. Jesus, being the personification of grace is the open door.
because i've walked through this door daily, i realised its never closed no matter what hour of the day it is. never mind that wars are raging and soccer fever is on. the operation hours of the throne room of God where rivers of healing flows remain the same. open to all, as usual.
all psalmed up.
Excerpts from psalms 55
v12-14 For it was not an enemy who reporaches me; then i could bear it
nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me;
then i could hide from him
but it was you, a man my equal
my companion and my acquaintance
we took sweet counsel together
and walked to the house of God in the throng
v18 He has redeemed my soul in peace from the battle that was against me
v21 ....his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords.
v22 cast your burden on teh Lord
and He shall sustain you
He SHALL NEVER permit His righteous to be moved.
v12-14 For it was not an enemy who reporaches me; then i could bear it
nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me;
then i could hide from him
but it was you, a man my equal
my companion and my acquaintance
we took sweet counsel together
and walked to the house of God in the throng
v18 He has redeemed my soul in peace from the battle that was against me
v21 ....his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords.
v22 cast your burden on teh Lord
and He shall sustain you
He SHALL NEVER permit His righteous to be moved.
hibernation
sometimes i just want to ask God (and i do) how He expects me in all my regal robes of righteousness to walk through this filthy world ridden with pain and brokeness..
i don't know how Jesus did it because i can't quite fathom it. Him and them, is the epitome of incongruency. the clash of the worlds. but they somehow managed to gel. prostitutes, tax collectors, murderers. son of God. marriage made in heaven no?
i guess its the same. i look so hard at them i forgot about me. which is why sometimes i delight in distractions, coz i forget about my own frustrations. we never could gel until Jesus made the choice to. i am so glad that all i am does not disqualify me from His circle, from Him. and on the contrary, it is precisely coz i'm so pathetic helpless and gross that i qualify. because grace comes to the unworthy not the worthy. because He is my worth today.
i wanto despair actually. my natural inclination is so strong but im secretly rejoicing (somewhat effortlessly too) because its precisely in the pits that jesus' embrace is the sweetest. if i could pass the hug on right now i would. coz it'd mend any heart.
i want the gift of perception. i wanto be a friend of God so that i can know his thoughts like david did. esp his thoughts towards me. because somehow i don't quite know. i wanto know how his heart reacts when i'm hurt, when i'm happy when i'm etc etc. i wanto know him like i know myself. that i can even preempt his next thoughts and flow in sync with him.
i like the intimacy we share and i am so happy that nothing can take that away. just as paul said so clearly so many years ago, 'nothing shall separate us..' it feels so certain. i like certainty despite being resident of this world of uncertainty. i can feel no safer than this and i wanto pass it on.
its the remedy for loneliness. remedy for everything i say.
in the meantime i'll be hiding under my bed feeding on this remedy.
i don't know how Jesus did it because i can't quite fathom it. Him and them, is the epitome of incongruency. the clash of the worlds. but they somehow managed to gel. prostitutes, tax collectors, murderers. son of God. marriage made in heaven no?
i guess its the same. i look so hard at them i forgot about me. which is why sometimes i delight in distractions, coz i forget about my own frustrations. we never could gel until Jesus made the choice to. i am so glad that all i am does not disqualify me from His circle, from Him. and on the contrary, it is precisely coz i'm so pathetic helpless and gross that i qualify. because grace comes to the unworthy not the worthy. because He is my worth today.
i wanto despair actually. my natural inclination is so strong but im secretly rejoicing (somewhat effortlessly too) because its precisely in the pits that jesus' embrace is the sweetest. if i could pass the hug on right now i would. coz it'd mend any heart.
i want the gift of perception. i wanto be a friend of God so that i can know his thoughts like david did. esp his thoughts towards me. because somehow i don't quite know. i wanto know how his heart reacts when i'm hurt, when i'm happy when i'm etc etc. i wanto know him like i know myself. that i can even preempt his next thoughts and flow in sync with him.
i like the intimacy we share and i am so happy that nothing can take that away. just as paul said so clearly so many years ago, 'nothing shall separate us..' it feels so certain. i like certainty despite being resident of this world of uncertainty. i can feel no safer than this and i wanto pass it on.
its the remedy for loneliness. remedy for everything i say.
in the meantime i'll be hiding under my bed feeding on this remedy.
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