it's easier to borrow someone's words to express how you feel

agreed.

" it turns out that what's important is not everything that you've accumulated all these years, but those few things you can carry with you"

"you can boil your life down to a single suitcase, if you desperately have to.."

-delia hopkins

"..history is indellible. you can mask it; you can patch it smooth and clear; but you will always know what's hidden underneath"

-Fitzwilliams something (i don't know his surname)

"how little remains of the man i once was, save the memory of him!but remembering is only a new form of suffering."

-Charles Baudelaire, La Fanfarlo

**

because i don't seem to have my own words. because i've turned into a handicap when it comes to verbalising and articulation. because im a volcano waiting to erupt.

i feel like this stage of my life involves just gathering artillery, building myself up even when i feel utterly devoid of strength...but i still have to rely on the captain of my heart to soldier me on. isaac once said that in life"you're either preparing to be tested or tested". it's so true. i don't know what we are gearing ourselves for, neither are we actively relishing the fighter mode. we do try to enjoy life, steal time out from busy schedules together but i can't help but feel that we're heading straight for a hurricane...and if we perservere long enough, we'll get into the eye of the hurricane and there'll be peace, not just within but upon.

either way, i expect and wanto pass the test.

this period might appear in the history of my life as truly insignificant. with no particular blow ups or cotton candy skies. but it will not. i'll color it myself if i have to. pray for rain so that i'll see the rainbow.

i refuse to resign myself to the mundaneness that threatens to characterize every living day. i can't help but notice how fast time whizzes past and a strange fear grips me. i don't like to know i'm not actively living every minute and have seconds stolen from me. i wanto live each second circumspectly. i only have a 100 years more...and thats only if Jesus tarries.

i need to work hand in hand with my lord to make something out of this life that He's graced me with. that i will not be common despite being ordinary in the eyes of man. that i'll fulfil His plans and purpose and abandon mine...if they don't fuse anytime soon.

i don't like the feeling of being separate entities of the one i love. esp Jesus and isaac. and it feels especially so when our interests and wants clash and i'm tempted to walk down a separate way. (God forbid)when our interests clash, i know somehow, especially in the case of Jesus, i can't seem to make Him see my point. at least i can try to 'influence' isaac. with the dear omnipotent lord, my word of advice to anyone currently in the same shoes is 'dont even try'.

but i've learnt along the way it only pays to submit. not because fire and brimstone will rain if you don't but He already had your best interests at heart when He wrote those plans. as long as i recognize and acknowledge that often enough, i'll know for sure that truly 'nothing separates me from His love"

**
mei ling comes home on aug 1!!