don't look too closely at me.

feels as if someone has put a magnifying glass on me and i feel scruntinised.

and no im not exactly excited because someone is finally going to see the Jesus embedded in me. i feel as if my faults and weaknesses are coming out in full glory this season instead. feel so weak and decrepit. [insert: His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses] and the worst of all...useless. i truly have nothing to boast about (never had the money the looks or the smarts anyway) but now its slapping me in the face. that somehow i'm reallly realllly nothing!! apart from Jesus, i'm truly empty in every sense of the word! i need mercy just to get through a single work day with my blunders at all.

i shy away coz i know that if anyone were to look closely enough, have a sharp enough eyesight, they'd see that i'm really not that special. that i'm actually almost inferior, just well disguised. these days, i cling on to Jesus and my heart really drops to my toes when i realised that i made the same blunder so many times in a row. i spend a considerable amount of time rectifying my mistakes and it does not feel good. at all.

my superiors and bosses are wonderful and been showing me great mercy and grace. so the more i wanto be good and efficient, the more frustrated i become coz its so difficult the exorcise the sotong that lives in me!

maybe i'm too impatient as i'm still at the teething stage anyway. but i can't help but wonder...what good am i really am to God? i'm not an asset in His kingdom i know. i know He took me in sheerly out of His grace and love and i'm undeserving. but if this exemplifies to many others that God does not take people in based on the criteria of how 'useful' they're gg to be but out of grace and mercy, then i guess i'd have served my purpose on earth.

there are so many dreams that i have in my heart. for Him that includes me. but right now i feel so limited and restricted by the impossibilites that are laughing in my face. however, it does not take great courage and faith to laugh back at them because i see Jesus doing just that. apart of me is still hanging on wondering and excited at how Jesus will use me and fulfil His specific word: God will use the foolish to confound the mighty.

**
i used to think, if people knew God's heart towards me and how He sees me , they wouldn't treat me the way they do. (ie. nastily)(i haven't always been kind myself)

yesterday it dawned on me. if i truly believed God's heart towards me and how He sees me, i wouldn't have held it against them. coz i've escaped the pardon myself by a close shave and thus, who am i to impose it on others?

if i truly saw myself as the righteousness of God and a priest and king in His kingdom, would i really care abt things as small as ...THEM?(ok there i go again. the nasty bug). no, these things wouldn't bother me coz i'd have no time for these. i'd be busy over Him instead and His glory and advancing and furthering His kingdom.

God has some major refocusing to do in this lamb. lost. as . usual.