MILESTONE-week 8

I'm finally at week 8!

Praise the Lord. While the morning/night and day sickness is alleviating, I am still getting hot flushes and dizzy spells from the hormone pills. TO TOP IT ALL OFF, I have a swollen toe now because I semi sprained/snubbed it and didn't realise until the pain was unbearable.

I'm so excited and I cannot wait till week 9 ultrasound.

Please baby, please show the world your heartbeat. To let me know I didn't suffer in vain.

To make it more exciting, I absolutely love the char bee noon from Gleneagles cafe. It's crazy but amongst the few things I eat,  I love their food, in particular the malay store.

So since I'm eating basically nothing, I'm really looking forward to eat so that this bub can grow grow grow.

My baby update.

It's been 3 weeks since I discovered my pregnancy. 21 days exactly. 

I've been at risk of dehydration only too many times and the sweltering heat doesn't help. The house is a heated sauna and even air conditioning provides little respite. I perspire profusely and then go clammy and go dizzy. It's crazy and I'm trying not to catch a cold while I go from very hot to very cold within seconds and try not to dehydrate. It's a delicate balance. 

I try not to worry but I'm plagued by nightmares. I also suffer from terrible moods. Not moodswings because I'm hardly rested or happy when circumstances are overwhelming and I feel utterly useless. 

Everyday I'm thankful it's once more day. 

Everyday. 

Praise God. 

Exodus 23.26

For none shall miscarry or be barren in your land; I'll fulfill all your days. 

Only 226 days or 226+7 days to go. Gynae isn't sure of exact due date but I'm already counting down to the day I see my healthy child face to face. 

Harrowing night

Yesterday I came down with diarrhoea. Coupled with the constant puking, I strangely thought checking myself into hospital was a good idea but that was a whole nightmare altogether.

When I reached, I was attended to rather quickly for the first time in the ER and their first priority was to hydrate me. theyy tried to stop the nausea by giving me a drug I was allergic to.

To cut the long story shut, I ended up convulsing, not being able to move my muscles voluntarily, needing help even to urinate and not seeing even though my eyes were wide open. I was close to death I thought but somehow I knew it was just an ordeal and it'd pass. While it happened, they were slow to react and didn't explain to me what was happening. I was just trapped in my own body unable to say anything.

Ended up staying the night at the hospital and even right now, some 24 hours later, I'm still reeling from some PTSD at the thought of it all.

I would have left behind so many regrets. Now I just pray this quickly ends and my baby will be ok.

Pregnancy journals-#1

Ironically, it's the night sickness that really calms me down because they let me know that the hormones are still surging and baby is still growing.

I am scared I admit that I will lose this one.

I hung on to verses from exodus citing no miscarriage or barreness. Read it a 1000 x over to myself intermittently between puking sessions and it does get better but I'm still scared.

On another note,I am really thankful for old friends who love me and made the arduous journey down to visit me. Asher was another star surprise delight! I just love this boy so much and wish and dream so much for him. Can't wait to see what God has in store for him and I don't know how to communicate just how precious he is to him. Maybe one day when he encounters God for himself, he'll truly finally know.

My dear quekeroo,

are you snug in me? I just pray you are growing strong and healthily and I can't wait to meet you. I see you in my dreams and visions and I'm so afraid this is all a very beautiful dream.

Can't wait till you're strong and way past your first trimester and then we can go out and share more about ourselves with you.

Can't wait to know that you're safe and with retching as the only indicator out of the way.

I will put up with whatever nausea and retching just to know you are ok. You are so loved by me and daddy.

6 weeks

Life can be a tad more difficult when one body is trying to house two individuals.

After an epic puke-fest which seemed like even last year's christmas dinner was out through the chutes, I am now scavenging the kitchen for some dry crackers. Like the first break of dawn, I feel hunger. I have been repulsed by food since .....baby decided to make its presence known..

Even as I traipse through my own corridor to head to the kitchen, I smell the lingering smell of what reeks of someone frying bacon this deep into the night. It can't be and won't be but my nose hallucinates like a paranoid schizophrenic. It is so fearful of stimuli that might restart the whole gagging merlion act that it has decided to be hypersensitive to save my life.

Dear nose, I appreciate that a lot but life has to go on and this won't go on eternally. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Apparently just 3 more weeks of puking to go, if I'm lucky and I'll be delivered from the monstrosity of a nightmare that plagues me every night like it's time for cinderella to go home.

And...to the one who caused it all.

Dear child,

I can't wait for your arrival already. You have made your presence felt and heard and we love you already. I cannot imagine how much more I can love you than I already do. Given that, please don't take it for granted and insist on being the sweetest soul Mummy has ever seen on this side of God's green earth because you have caused me pain. Also, just be your cutest ever and you know I'll forget this ....tonight's atrocities ever happened.

Love,
Mummy

the aftermath

After the initial shock, it seems like life went right back to normal and I'm fighting some protracted flu-like symptoms.

Workwise, I literally just have to rough it out until DDay.

April fool'S day 2014

I cannot believe what just happened. After everything that has been happening. 

We need to get out.

Sunday nights are the best time to write. I am the most coherent and my mind is usually clear.

Right now, I'm semi dreading tomorrow. I haven't had monday blues in many months now and now, it's three weeks in a row. 

Isaac and I really want to leave singapore. It's weird because many of my friends overseas are really flocking to singapore. I love them to bits and are happy that we are all finally in the same place but the high cost of living and the lack of time because we are all so caught up in the daily grind makes it so hard.

We are already hatching plans and exploring alternatives. Nothing is cast in stone and honestly it would be another good three years or so before anything even remotely takes fruition. I am slightly ashamed to say that I have no strong links to this place I was born in anymore. The feelings of patriotism has diluted over the years as I witness its evolvement into an unfeeling colourful city with so little personality.

Perhaps the DNA of our forefathers are kicking in. Those that prompted them to leave their hometowns in China to seek better pastures. Without those moves of theirs, bold and courageous, we wouldn't be here today. Likewise, things have gotten so difficult and claustrophobic that I sometimes feel like I need to hop onto the next plane and just.get.out.

I marvel at how cheap things are online and how the price disparity is and yet, I run a retail business. Rents are soaring at an unreasonable indigestible rate because of both macro and what I call, greed factors. I can totally understand why only the big survive and how the small ones fall flat without even finishing their first try. It is a merciless city.

Isaac remarked today that both sides of my family are from malaysia while his is of a purer bred singaporean peranakan roots. He thinks it might explain why I'm more tenancious. Our neighbouring country was never known for its chinese-friendly policies and we had to fight tooth and nail for survival. Then, we earn enough money to send our offsprings to faraway lands like australia, UK, US and some, singapore because despite the amount of wealth amassed there over decades, it can disappear in an instant because of policies that are not in favour.

Now, I'm treading really dangerous waters here and I should probably stop.

I have no intention of making this blog famous and have a viewership of more than a handful. 

Bottom line: we need to get out.

Life takes a dive

K, my ex colleague turned friend has been such a pillar of support in my life I am so thankful she's in Sg to walk me through this season. We are 250m away at work and we used to be oceans away. I don't know when and how we grew that close but now, she's offering me her couch and plenty of ice cream and the shoulder to cry on.

I didn't realize I could be so clingy with friends. 

collateral damage

Yet again.


This is my second time being collateral damage in a political office struggle which has led to me first being upset, then thrilled at a sudden avalanche of expensive and seemingly opportune opportunies within the same conglomerate and even with a certain previously way-out-of-my-league corporate adventure.

Then I decided to just stay and yes, serve my new boss. Because that's what I think God wants me to. Because what I started, I want to finish. Because I didn't think that there would be so many coincidences that she was my first boss in beauty and 10 years later, I am right under her nose under her charge. Despite what many has said about her and reputation, I find myself heaving a huge sigh of relief.

But there's still a tussle and although I don't want to choose sides and really just sit and do my work (or in some cases, roll up my sleeves) I seem to be the pawn in this corporate tug of war. I am wholly submitting myself unto God to be my protector, provider and in all circumstances, for His glory to prevail. I am praying for obedience to His will, guidance and discernment. God alone h=knows how badly I need them.

Which is why I am going to say "no" to what was handed on me on a silver platter. The opportunity of what some would call....a few lifetimes. To manage key functions for 7 territories. That was a rather instant promotion but because of the travelling entailed and because of what-I-think-I-heard from God, I am staying put. Even if forces try to get rid of me.

My whole world is turned upside down and I find myself dragging my feet to work for the first time in very long because I dread the politics. I still have very nice colleagues but everyone's on the edge and morale is at an all time low. My world is so upside down but somehow, I feel like I'm at peace and more joyful. Strangely but weirdly. I also indulge more in buying my own make-up than just receiving and feeling obliged to use what might not suit me on my face. I am going back to my beauty favourites instead and re-discovering. Sephora has awarded me golden awards too many times in my respite from depression by drowning in make-up with discounts I am almost embarrassed.

I am also having more breakouts and fatigued skin because of the heightened stress and lack of sleep.
My husband, which used to have to stick to a strict anti-acne regime (prescribed by me) can now go for days without a moisturiser while I find myself using his mattifiers, toners and ANTI-ACNE (horror of horrors!) stuff that I bought to salvage his then skin woes.

The tables have been turned.

But life goes on.

Episode 235425

It is back.

And with a vengeance.

I didn't want to crawl out of bed despite being wide awake. I talk incessantly in my sleep and try to shout myself out of slumber but to no avail. The endless headaches, the laboured breathing and...the pain in my heart. They are mere symptoms of depression with anxiety related conditions.

I'm trying to cope with this the best I can but I struggle even to eat and do simple things like shower. Yikes I know but I'm just being awfully honest here.

Depression is the flu of the soul that sometimes can feel worse than death itself.

It is akin to cancer than threatens to relapse even when things are dandy.

There is no known cure for it at the present, making it a cousin of HIV.

It leaves the sufferer incarcerated in her own body to suffer alone, unable to verbalize the pain inside.

It is not a weakness as God knows how many a great men have fallen prey to this foreboding sickness but an affliction. It strikes when no one is looking, a sneaky enemy in stealth and no exact aim.

Since the battle is on, I'll wage war. The odds are stacked against me but we've won before so ...maybe we'll win again.

I forgot

So here's the reminder.

I serve as unto Him so He is my boss and my rewarder. In fact, my exceedingly great reward. 

Give me fresh strength and drive for work tomorrow. 

Spending ban

The husband berated me today for my excessive spending and it's one of the few times I can't say that he is wrong.


My spending has been out of control because my stress levels have been out of control. I need "spending anonymous" to help me and I need to somehow alleviate my stress levels too.

:( Woe.

God will make a way

One of the first songs I learnt how to sing was "God will make a way" by Don Moen when I started out as a young Christian in MGS, my alma mater.

Tonight I find myself unconciously singing in unintended worship knowing that He has always made a way. In the scorching, seemingly endless dessert out of Egypt for the throne of Israel to my pits in corporate hell, He always made a way. Through my throes of depression and darkness, He always made a way.

God will make a way 
Where there seems to be no way 
He works in ways we cannot see 
He will make a way for me 
He will be my guide 
Hold me closely to His side 
With love and strength 
For each new day 
He will make a way 
He will make a way 

By a roadway in the wilderness 
He'll lead me 
And rivers in the desert will I see 
Heaven and earth will fade 
But His Word will still remain 
He will do something new today

Buying trends-watermelon anything.

Do you know that women reportedly bought more lipsticks during recessions and periods of financial and personal depression? It's the way of comforting themselves and feeling just that little bit of empowerment that they can still afford something when things are sliding south.

I am one of them.

I bought five. And only because of what they're named. Anyone who knows me for five minutes know that I have a weakness for watermelon. It is my all time favourite fruit. So when a lipstick that says 'fizzy watermelon', "watermelon' or anything that suggests it combines my favourite fruit and must-have make-up essential, I GRAB and run for the cashier.

Then I don't know if my clones are trying to take over my hemisphere but it is out of stock.

So I don't know what to do. I don't feel comforted or empowered. I just need a lipstick that says watermelon and tastes like watermelon. Or I can go get an actual watermelon.

Epiphany

I finally figured out my obsession of working/living in HK despite its reputation for being a squeeze, congested, loud society.

Some people might even wonder why bother when Sg is so close to HK in so many aspects.

Unlike HK, SG has still very little room for a lot of industries to grow. Despite the sheer numbers and even sales figures that are fast rivalling our ex-sister colony, the country is dominated only by a few players. Heck, the world might be dominated only by a few players but there is a niche market which is like an mega sized etsy which allows many others to still have a slice of the pie and flourish.

Here, I sometimes feel it's so hard to get a foot into the door of the industry I am now in. Going further, it is difficult to get recognised. In this industry, people play a perennial never-ending ageless game of musical chairs and the barrier to entry is SO high. You need to have experience but without experience which no one will give you unless you have experience, you never will get in. It's a nasty catch 22. (I can't explain this science).

Once in, it is a whirlpool that leaves little recognition to be desired. It is sometimes logical sometimes completely irrational. Sometimes only dead facts speaks. Sometimes, your numbers can be all red but if you're painted all over town in various media platforms, just wait, your promotion might still be due.

Of course, I may be writing out of some angst because it is looking like I may not get the bonus I so thought I deserved. Even my colleagues thought I deserved it and in a society that gives little recognition, I thought it was a high honour that my colleagues actually acknowledged it out loud.

In another place, another land, if due recognition is not given, the employee is poached within seconds and continues to thrive and flourish. Because people value quality and not quantity and the market is big enough for hard work to pay off and be recognised, talent to flourish and creativity to flow.

In this tiny, microscopic, over-congested market, people end up complaining, feeling down and hop only when the next chance in the next millennia comes along. Of course, in the meantime, the earth would have rotated on its axis quite a number of times and morale goes six foot under.

I like challenge. I like adrenaline. I love the industry. I love the job scope. I love my family. So given all that, maybe I can live in a slightly smaller house, dump some of my clothes and yes, I might have to walk faster and ...now what else do we really differ in since we also have bad air, congested public transport and Tim Ho Wan?

*food for thought*

That is why I love working in Hong Kong, with Hong Kong. Because my work would speak for itself and I don't have to prepare an arsenal of email ammunitions to fight for my bonus.

I don't think I care for the next opportunity to work for another one of the big Fours here. It would be almost akin to dangling a cucumber which I don't care for rather than dangling a carrot.

My carrot would be Hong Kong.

25 Feb

I hate today.

Anonymous

Shopping helps me to relieve stress. When some people get stressed, they drink, smoke etc. I have none of those vices but I shop-relentlessly.

Sometimes I window shop. Then I buy things for myself. Then I buy things for my husband. Then I buy things for others.

Then I get shocked to death when my credit card bill arrives.

One of my regular go-tos besides Etsy is Sephora. Unlike Etsy, I do not feel remotely like I'm doing any community service when I shop at Sephora. I do not feel like I'm perpetuating a living/purpose for people who are retired, giving a second lease of life to people who have been made redundant at their jobs or helping stay-at-home mums generate some income.

At Sephora, I am self absorbed and frivolous. So frivolous everytime they have a launch, I AM THERE.

My make-up wardrobe is turning into a storeroom. Soon it will turn into a warehouse if I don't stop. At work, I'm already given make-up for work. Then I go on and purchase my own. Read: recipe for disaster.

I have only one face. Not too much of a hypocrite here but I realize to utilize all that I bought and make it all worthwhile, I actually need an excuse to go out everyday. And I do. It's work.

But for all the make-up in my stash, I have to go out, touch-up endlessly and repeat the same process 10 days a week. And what did I do? I buy long-wearing , time-saving make-up. 12 hours without fading in this humidity. Clings to my skin like a dream.

I buy tinted sun block so I can skip two steps and not apply foundation. Then I buy a color correction cream with SPF so I can skip the sunblock. Then I buy a color correction primer so I can skip the color correction cream.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO AS A STEP 1??

What happened to wash face, tone, sun block, put on powder, conceal , fill in brows, throw on blusher and then dash out of the house?

I just added like 8 permutations of steps BEFORE that routine.

So like me. Always complicating easy things.

Appreciating my husband

Yesterday, when I opened the door to see a tired husband panting, perspiring profusely and having MY BAG slung around him, I was won over.

It is, I think the most dashing picture I have of him in my mind.

You see, I bought this bag online and because we weren't around to collect it when it was being delivered, we had to pick it up from the post office by a particular deadline. On saturdays, post offices close at 1 pm and had to rush over on his bike to get my stash.

He didn't know he was collecting a BRIGHT purple suede bag. When he received the ginormous monstrosity of a parcel, he had to rip open the parcel and just sling it around him and ride back because there was just no way he could fit that onto his bike. I was so touched! He must have looked so silly to a thousand and one on lookers but to me, that was my knight in shining armour.

For something as frivolous as a suede bag.

For me.

Unfortunately, we had to let him into the house before he fainted from the heat so there was no time to take a picture of that special moment.

It's etched in my mind though.

LOVE!

Fatigue Ramble

It's the weekend and I have not clicked a single time on Etsy. I am almost officially burnt out and I literally jumped out of bed only to cook DINNER.

No I did wake up in the morning out of sheer habit but I was so tired I fell asleep reading my favorite magazine. Beauty and make up and somewhere along the line, while gushing over the almost academic descriptions of silhouettes, textures and sleek unorthodox packaging, I fell asleep. I didn't wake up to the phone and was almost dead to the world.

This is how tired and fatigued I am.

I would like to start a separate account just to write on fashion and make-up observations and trends. No reviews as this conflicts with my job but I cannot even get started on it as a hobby. Needless to say, I didn't manage to try anything from the new make-up haul from Sephora because I didn't go out.

I'm too tired to even catch an episode of a tv series.