Lists and self-doubt

Wishlists.
Bucketlist.
Shopping lists.

Too long.
Too little time.
Too little resources.

I feel like I'm underachieving. Actually, I know I am.

I need spectacular numbers. Spectacular, ceteris paribus. I never was the most excellent organised planner around but now I'm in a complete state of disarray.

I used to do 4 cities in 4 days including 12 hour flights, train rides etc. Now, my fingernails seem to grow faster than my thoughts can unravel themselves.

I've been bothered by many things in life and I love my job so much and I fear I don't do well enough to keep it because the bar of expectations is so high and the queue of people waiting for this job is pretty long. I feel so replaceable and insecure.

And the hardest part of the job?

I have to fire someone.

People have called me Thor, nicknamed me a bouncer for obvious reasons and if one really logically, this person should have been fired yesterday, never been hired for too many reasons. Yet, when I think about delivering the news, I tear. Even as I procrastinate to write the official letter to request for termination, even as I speak to HR on the phone, I find myself shaking.

Not because she's very special. Not because she is a star employee.

Maybe because I invested my time and resources in her and she took me for granted and jeopardised not just the business but cannot understand the simple concept of integrity.

Maybe because she looks and feels so much like the woman who brought me up, left when I was 15 and lost touch ever since.

Husband

The husband scan be a real paradox.

One moment he's calling me a tigress, sending me reeling/roaring. Another moment, I posted on Facebook that I really would like a typo (read: Ryan sea crest's iPhone accessory) and the next thing I know, it's arriving as a no occasions gift mid feb.

He can be so generous with all things geeky yet scathingly honest and acerbic about my flaws.

People look at us and laugh and insist we are a match both made in heaven and hell. We provide humour. Sometimes I laugh it off, sometimes I get hurt. I've learnt to laugh it off more often than to take offence these days. After all, it has been 5 years. We've grown up.

We still have certain epic fights but I was genuinely surprised by this gift. Firstly, it's the only tech gift I ever wanted. Secondly, I'm more a bags/fashion/make-up (read: girly) kinda city girl. Everything he is not. He refuses to endorse a single penny of my bags and shoes collection and even threatens to throw them out. We now have a policy of buy one, must throw/donate one pair of shoes.

All things said and done, I am thankful.

All things said and done, we're MFEO.

Opening presents

We got our Christmas gifts a little late because his relatives live in Australia. 

Me: yay! I got a belt!! I can use this to hit you. (Disclaimer: I was kidding)

He then proceeds to open his present and he too..got a belt. 

#abusiverelationships

He also got CDs. In Australia, iTunes hasn't arrived and CDs are crazy expensive. They were artistes we like. 

Problem: we have no CD players. We have moved on to iTunes. 

Me: never mind! We can rip the cd into iTunes! 

Problem: both our iMac and MacBook Air don't have slots for CDs. 

A letter to my dear colleague

Dear young lady,

You had a major breakdown on Friday because I wasn't in the office to be your shield when others decided to shoot darts. I am sorry. You must realize by now that this is very common no matter where you go and trust me, I've been shot by far more venom than these folks can even conjure. Nothing malicious here. Pure miscommunication. Nothing we can't undo.

You have shown fine promise and you don't know this but I've already put in the request to promote you. You are a young girl full of potential and one of the best I know. I am so blessed to have you on my team and count you as my right hand. I don't know how you feel about it because it feels like the pressure has been turned on to full blast but trust me, we will get through this. Hang on.

Yes, my health does delineate certain parameters which is why I need you stay calm when I'm not around. Functional dyspepsia means I can puke at anyone anytime I get really stressed. Stay firm in the face of a storm. Remember that we are selling skincare and not saving lives. NOBODY will die just because we dropped a marble. You are learning fast and learn all you can. I promise to invest in you no matter how long you choose to stay because I see myself in you. I am passing on what I've been so blessed to receive from my previous mentors. I wasn't as fast a learner as you and I was an outright ditz. Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither is a business empire. Be patient.

Tomorrow, I will go on and as we put out fires, devise a strategy to align business objectives. Then, we will sort out and hire the right people for our team. Once we've got the dynamics sorted out, the rest, like they say is history. Auto-pilot.

So there, I was once impatient. I was once indignant. I was once on the verge of a breakdown because people throw their weight around and fired darts of fury when I was vulnerable.

I cannot tell you this because I am still awaiting approvals. I am pushing for them to be expedited but like all big organizations, they take time. I can't tell you in person so here's the letter you will never get to read.

Blessings and thanks,
The comrade you call ''boss'''.

A decade

This blog is almost 10 years old! 

Anniversary post due! 

Beauty products that I've used for 10 years (or more) and stay utterly devoted to:

-Clinique eyeliner in smokey brown 

-Clinique anti blemish gel 

-face shop collagen eye mask 

And that's it! For the rest of the time I'm fickle, devoid of loyalty and sometimes, they simply discontinue my favorites! 

Yes, in my arsenal of skincare and cosmetics, I remain faithful to only three SKUs. 

Almost a worthy case study. 

God misses me.

It's impossible to sleep with the lightest sleeper in the world. Every move I make wakes him up. Granted, his is a bundle of nerves since he will be scaling mount ophir with a boisterous army of pre-fifteen year olds.

Still, this is taking a toll on me.

Spiritually, I'm also as dry as a twig. I am tired and I don't know how to reach God's hotline anymore. It's not like he's not picking up or anything but I'm not even calling and my own strength is running out. Maybe I'm afraid of disappointment or what he'll say. Maybe I'm feeling all inadequate. Plenty of lies I know but there's just not enough truth spoken to jolt me out of this insane reverie.

Now,  I just want to sleep. I also have a long week ahead. My schedule is chokeful with meetings I don't know when in the world anyone can get a reply to me via emails/texts.

This is all going to work out somehow. I just need God.

Etsy

Is my vice. 

So is asos. And reebonz. 

Cancel my credit card. 

Help. 

1st post of 2014

4 days into the new year and I'm still kinda living in the past. That's 2013 I'm referring to. I've been robbed of the holiday season with crazy peak periods at work and now that things are slowing down, I can afford to breathe but...where are the celebrations and gatherings?!?!

Isaac is going for a hiking expedition this week. I'm a nervous wreck. Anyone who remotely knows me knows I'm a true blue city girl and since he is forced to go for obligatory work reasons, I worry like a mother hen that he will not adapt and worse...make it back in one piece.

I have a thousand and one scenarios in my head, most unlikely to happen but nonetheless, stressful for me. As a teacher's wife, the first day of school has been even more stressful to me than my own work. I've been pretty much doing the same thing with the same kind of people for 8 years while he is a complete greenhorn in a brand new environment. Is he tough enough for those kids? Are they even kids? Will they turn into monsters mid lesson? (Examples of thoughts that run through my mind).

I cannot take anything for granted and I'm feeling so awful that we had a fight just days before we are going to be separated for a grand total of 4 days. I've contemplated calling up the school and to demand that as his legal spouse, I do not grant consent for a thousand reasons I can cook up from medical to well, my own problems but really, that's not right. No one needs to tell me. I know it like it's a banner waving in my face.

I definitely am being melodramatic but if this is the last time I see him, I want him to know that despite our crazy fights and HUGE differences, I know that he loves me more than anybody in this world and I love him too.

Oh weepy sappy me. I'll just have to go on girl dates, tv marathons and shopping to ease the blues.

Oh and work.

Memories of 2013

One will be surprised how much she can remember when things are coming to an end. 

With the year coming to an end, I find myself reminiscing about seemingly insignificant things that I thought would be filed loosely away in the "temporary folder" of my mind. 

I remember:

Cooking a lot this year. Putting together ingredients I never previously knew existed to whip up new permutations of dishes. Hours sweating over the stove, burns etc. Being able to cook everyday was indeed a blessing. I truly missed that.

While I don't miss washing up, the details in slow-motion are now rubbing though my mind like a playlist on repeat mode. It's tedious and I can feel the bite of the detergent and wondering ever too often if my hands will dry up. 

To be able to put my own concoctions on the dining table though knowing it filled the belly of a man I love was , however, worth it. 

Don't know when I'll get to repeat it. Maybe with washing gloves next time. 

Maybe. 

Post holiday fatigue

Feeling majorly I'll with a ponding headache now. No other major ailments but the headache is so bad I'm almost reduced to tears. 

:(

Time, please slow down.

It feels like an eternity since I typed away at the keyboard. It is therapeutic and cathartic, akin to a pianist releasing one's emotions through lengthy compositions.

December always feels like a short month. It is the threshold before the door of a new year opens and it spells suspense and excitement to me. It is also choked full with events and workdays are extremely fast-paced but short. The door is ajar and I can almost peek in. Yet, I still don't know what's on the other side, nary a hint of what is to come.

I marvel at how fast time passes and fades away. How things evolve and change. I marvel that I'm here today, typing. I marvel really. Because I didn't think I could make it.

The airline sent a reminder that I'm heading out of town in less than 7 days. Yet it still feels strangely light years away. I do not remember me ever enjoying work so much. Yes, there are plenty of moments I feel exhausted but when your colleagues have grown on you so much you think you will cry with them and celebrate their best moments, work is a lot less dreary. Work is fun, dynamic and the other matters just fade into oblivion. I still scramble to tie up many loose ends before I head off for a short holiday but apart from that, I doubt I will dread coming back.

So yes, 2014. I think I'm ready. Bring it on.

Out of control

It is not that unfathomable really.

It's pent-up "unshaped energy" that has been brewing in the depths of my soul for the last half year or so. So I unleashed it all in one month.

To be very honest, it felt good. In the past, the joy was always short-lived but this time round, it sure hasn't expired yet and is burning like how Adele could only express it.

I also bought stuff for the family. In preparation for the next haze and our general welfare. Now that the country is not smogged out and we have reasonable air quality and beautiful cool weather (if only it lasts), I even bought a snazzy air purifier.

The financial damage is massive because with it came some fancy device to kill dust mites in my bed. We used it once already and I cannot believe the results. Dustmites and their faecal waste are usually microscopic but mine heaped up into this white mass monstrosity of a thing. I'm not sure how to describe it. It's like grey cappuccino foam. Compounded over 5 years. It's hard to imagine I survived that much dust mites given that I'm asthmatic. It's truly a miracle I'm alive despite the constant wheezing which leaves me perpetually fatigued with chest pains as a result of my ever tightening muscles. I'm glad all this is a coming to a complete end.

I'm grateful for the finances to make all these purchases. While buying and buying, somethings purely out of lust, I thought about how this year I truly learnt the lesson of Philippians 4:

"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Now I just need to exercise some self control and not get carried away. I am reminded of the less fortunate, not just the ones hit by the typhoon in the Philippines but those I work and live with everyday. A huge part of my workforce is filipino and I wonder if I can render direct help. 

Lord, help me to be discerning and to obey. Thank you for your blessings and help me to bless in return.

Yesterday my ear was blocked

What was said: beauty by nature

What I heard: beauty manager 

What was said: are you easily offended? 

What I heard: are you afraid of faggots? 

Tsk me.

My back is aching and all that sleep in the afternoon is making me awake despite and despite drowsy meds.

I'm also secretly kicking myself for being a lousy friend because I forgot a very good friend's birthday. She's been nothing less than stellar and I clean forgot. Actually I didn't forget. I just didn't realise the date yesterday and today. What a friend. I guess we all got spoilt by facebook alerts and when someone doesn't include their birthday, it is as if they are not worthy to be remembered.

Tsk me.

Are you ok?

An innocuous question but one I dread a lot. All because most of the time, I cannot give the desired positive answer of "Yes"and I don't want to lie about it.

Truth is, I still grapple with the pressure, the dark moods, the thunderous clouds of depression despite having so much going for me. It's not like I chose to be unhappy, contrary to popular belief. Sometimes, I feel so utterly besieged by the dark stormy clouds I just want to evaporate-all to escape.

I have learnt instead to just "deal with it". Soldier through it, grit my teeth etc. It's not easy and sometimes, I self-combust leaving smitherines of myself and my loved ones in the wake. I cannot make sense of what is happening or what happened but I grieve. I've hurt the ones I love.

Work-wise, it's like a dream come true. We don't work late at all but the days are super intense. Everything moves at bullet-train speed and sometimes I feel so drained I have actually fallen asleep upon hitting the pillow at 8 pm. In fact, I have fallen asleep just sitting on the toilet bowl. It is utterly draining.

In other news, I learnt that the company I previously worked with has completely shut down. It is no surprise of course given that everytime I opened my email, retrenchment emails were announced. I'm glad I left coz morale was dismal. I'm glad also that in my current work, we partake of community projects close to my heart. Yes, I know there's cynicism behind all corporate charity activities and initiatives because so much publicity is generated for the company but I really believe in these few. I shall not talk too much about it here but I cannot cannot believe that I am paid to do this for a living. Good money and good benefits too. It's wonderful.

Ok. I'm tired and a broken record. I rarely get monday blues but I need to prepare for the week ahead and think of an agenda for Monday's meeting so that I can meet tight deadlines, effectively delegate so I can get work done.

All this and...get my act together with God without feeling like a 1000 tonne of depression.

My asos order is also either severely delayed or completely lost in the mail. I am sad. It's arrival can really add some cheer.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Otherwise known as OCD for short.

I've been diagnosed with many things but not this but I think to some measure, I do have this affliction.

My mind loops endlessly around a problem until I have it solved. Or around a bag until I get it. Or a pair of shoes. I'm flexible on dresses though and my wardrobe's a real mess so it ain't the end of the world. Just. Yet.

I need to have all my ducks in order, figuratively speaking.

That's why I married a duck. A Quek.

Corny I know. Especially when I haven't posted anything for so long and my health is in the dumps with fancy schoomzy stomach dysplepsia but yah, I'm feeling all right now and I think it is a good enough thing to be thankful for and thankful for.

And to be documented.

A little update

2 months into work.
It's been good and kind. I'm thankful.

I just have had very little time for updates. Sorry guys.

Today I took the last knife out of my back.

I have been very naïve. And the price of that naiveté-a job that I could love and do very well in after too many rounds of interview to be shortlisted as the final ONE. Not TWO now, but ONE.

Someone, whom I thought were at least on friendly terms with me decided to plunge a knife in the back and sprouted a whole bag of lies to the hiring people involved. It was a baloney of lies but I had no proof. A pee test would have settled it once and for all but no one's interested in my report. I might have been dismissed as a potential candidate even before I finished typing this blog post.

Upon learning that, I was crushed, shocked and bewildered. A whole gamut of emotions raced across my already frazzled mind and I felt like the world around me spun beyond control. The floor felt like it was giving way under my feet and I wanted to run-but I had no strength.

Psalms 55 says it quite well.

If an enemy were insulting me,
    I could endure it;
if a foe were rising against me,
    I could hide.
¹³ But it is you, a man like myself,
    my companion, my close friend,
¹⁴ with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
    at the house of God,
as we walked about
    among the worshipers.

And..Jesus was betrayed for way less. Still, to have it confirmed from neutral third parties is a shocker because till the last final moments, I held on to the belief that there was good in that person, despite being given the short end of the stick numerous times.

I'm choosing this time to surrender. If it mooted my chances with my dream company, then the lesson I walk away with is : know who your friends Aren't and our relationship stops there. No hypocritical niceties and no cordial "hellos". Just walk away. Forgive and avoid like plague.

As for what happens to me? I know not. It would be nothing short of a miracle if I do get a job after such a low blow but somehow I know I will pick up the pieces and re-start the journey again.

This time, I am determined to win.

The last knife is out of my back. I have decided to throw it away. Not back at the source. The pain is excruciating but it'll heal. As with all wounds. In time.

陳柏霖-我不會喜歡你 (我可能不會愛你插曲"大仁歌")

Be it Taiwan or Hong Kong, I somehow find myself rushing back to the hotel to catch TV series all the time. This is one of my favorite Taiwanese dramas. The theme song along makes me melt. This one. Unreciprocated love.

Grateful

My friend of 17 years left this at my doorstep because I was feeling less than stellar. 

My friend of 11 years who has relocated to china suddenly texts me to tell me I'm previous to God and she's thinking of me. 

Why are my beloveds all going to be/already are so far away? 

Thank God for technology. 

Thank God for them. 

I love you(s)!