Multi tasking

I have learnt to shop on my iPad while barfing into toilet bowl. 

Most exciting

I felt my first kick from baby!!!! 

Best day of my life

That was yesterday. 

I'm still beaming with joy at the thought of it. 

I was so excited going to the Gynae for the gender scan and prayed that the baby would be cooperative. 

Lo and behold, he opened his legs and lifted his hands on cue to show us his manhood. It was the most amazing moment of my life. 

I know we are wayy early but we have settled his name and all. He just has no clothes yet. 

I preferred a boy but now, while I'm excited that it is a boy, I'm just so glad he is healthy and alive. The names I chose for a girl speak of what I hope for in a daughter but the names we are going with for my son are from God even before I realized I was pregnant. My joy, my pride. His word came to pass!! 

I just want the best for the kiddo and cannot wait to meet him!  

Confession

Pregnancy unleashes more than hormones and morning sickness.

It unleashes unsolicited advice from all sorts of people. Anyone feels entitled to give you advice, well-meaning or not. They come from all walks of life, whether they had a kid 60 years ago, yesterday or never had a kid OR worse, is a man, they will want to give you advice.

I've been so tempted to scream them silent but so far, I've held myself back. Amazing grace, I say.

The two people I dread most are my mum and mother-in-law. They don't understand boundaries, thresholds and threaten my fragile sanity at times even when I'm deeply depressed.

I've had a rocky relationship with them for the most of my life and this pregnancy is making it worse. I appreciate the concern although they are severely gender biased towards males and I worry that I'll be made to feel less than a person if the baby was a girl. I've been gifted with bagfuls of boys' clothes when the gender is not even revealed. My mum is slightly more discreet but pregnancy has made me rethink and rock further the relationship between me and my parents.

**
I've got issues and I admit it. I came from a less than stellar family and hold deep emotional baggages from the past. I still struggle with nightmares and flashbacks and their hauntings lead to a downward spiral of emotions. It has been years and I wonder if I'll ever be free.

Ironically, instead of making me appreciate my parents for their idiosyncrasies and their warped concern, I have taken to deeply resenting them instead because all these are overshadowed by abuses and neglect of the past. I remember a time when I was severely sick with pneumonia but no one noticed. I was raised by a maid and by the time I was sent to hospital, I had already fainted and vaguely remember the doctor berating my mum harshly. She did absolutely nothing for whatever reason and I was always brought up to believe that I was not worth any attention or feel unloved.

I worry because I am scared I'll grow into their likeness and struggle to obey the commandment to forgive. It is so hard. Many have said to go ahead and just make the choice but somedays, I feel like I'd rather die than forgive them.

I've contemplated cutting them completely out of my life but in moments of weakness, I let them in only to be disappointed all over again. They threaten my fragile state of sanity and of course, happiness. I secretly yearn to be as far and as independent of them as possible. I have mulled over the fact that perhaps, I might regret it one day when they bid their final farewells but on the other hand, I also wonder if that will bring closure. When your abuser, both physical and with neglect passes on, shouldn't that bring relief instead?

My uncles and aunties were victims of terrible physical abuse and they are still scarred well into their 60s. It is evident in everything they do and every facet of their behavior. I fear the curse continued and want to break it but I don't know how. I feel terribly orphaned even as a thirty year old and I know that has adversely affected my relationship with God.

I want a way out but don't know how. The child is but a distraction and I know that somehow, someday, these will be back to haunt me and I will have to face them head on.

Coming right up.. the gender scan!!!

I've told my friends that if I could, I'll live to have a scan machine so I can see my baby ALL THE TIME.

I cannot wait to see the baby again this saturday when my gynae appointment happens. I cannot wait!! I am so excited I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of the week. This is worse than waiting for an episode of my favourite TV shows coz this only gets aired once a month.

This week, we're going to (hopefully) find out the baby's gender. Baby hopefully cooperates and flashes at the camera. I'm also looking forward to feeling the baby's first kicks and am a little disappointed that I've yet to feel them. I think I've felt them but honestly, 16 weeks is a bit early for a first child and I think it was really just gas. The husband felt it too and I doubt a kid that young can give such a mighty kick.

Such is pregnancy. You suffer, get excited, forget and tadah! The kid is born!

In other news, I still puke from time to time but other than that, I am getting the hang of things and starting to accept that unsolicited advice will come. I still have plenty of issues to deal with and gripe about (if I choose to) but the joy of expecting the baby far surpasses everything.

I also have a nagging feeling the baby will look mostly like its father because I've been super adoring my husband. I look at him sleep and think to myself..." oh, this is what baby will look like" and marvel at how sweet he is. Of course, it is a different story when he wakes up which I suppose will be quite similar to how I'll feel if baby screams my head off.

We'll see!

Eternal first trimester

The pukiness doesn't end 

15 weeks

Every wed, when the baby turns a week old, it seems to commemorate by making me violently puke some time close to midnight. 

pre natal depression

There's a huge dark cloud shrouding my mind and all I know is that I'm trapped and I'm alone.

My family has made themselves deaf to my pleas and cries for help because it goes against the anything-bad-can-happen-to-a-christian belief. Therefore, I must be really lacking in faith and am feeling like a complete outcast.

When my mum was down, I took her in no questions asked. I cared for her even though she was largely absent in my childhood and was the least favoured kid. This is how she repays me. That's why God already made the provision such that "when your father or mother forsakes you", He promises to take you in..

Yet, I don't feel very taken in. My husband has rendered zero emotional support and kept asking me techinical questions like why , what's the trigger etc?

I don't know these answers except that I seem to be the trigger. And I'm pulling the trigger soon if respite doesn't come.

I want to run away with baby until none of them finds me. Because while I was here calling in my loudest voice through every possible medium for help, I was cruelly ignored.

My heart was breaking with every cold shoulder I get but it persisted. Now, for the sake of the baby, I have realised I cannot give it grandparents who never learnt to be parents in the first place. I have to start afresh, with the little I've got and move on.

Now, I'm just trying to gather strength like dust from the floor so that I can stand up again and face the odds stacked against me. So that I don't get so confused I think dying is the better solution.

Pregnancy thoughts and feelings

I was feeling so low after the massive pukes despite being in second trimester. It was SUPPOSED to abate but no, it surged back with a vengeance to announce that I'm really really pregnant. 

I know I have to see it as a good thing because this means my hormone levels are like spectacular and baby is growing well but the puking got to me at some point and I got quite depressed.

Today however, despite the puking was marvellous. Cali came to my house. I was supposed to meet her outside coz God knows how badly I need to feel normal but I was hovering around the toilet bowl so much, she brought duck rice to my door step!

The rest of the afternoon passed with us chatting and me puking intermittently. It was one of those few days which where the nausea is not relegated to evenings but the whole day.

I had to stop talking and just lie down or jump up and rush to the toilet to throw myself up blue.

At some point, Cali started to help me fold clothes, sort out  my laundry and even pack my table. It's such a chore and I felt so bad for her doing this for me. My maid had been on leave during the worst of times and now one of my best friends is really doing the work instead! I felt so so so bad but grateful. 

Seriously, I have the best friends or what? They come when I'm at my ugliest, grossest, with nothing to offer and give and give. I am so grateful.

So yes, there are setbacks on many fronts and I'm like a permanent fixture in front of toilet bowl but there's still cheer and stuff to be grateful about. :,) Praise the Lord!

Note to baby: you're too blessed!!

Violent puking and sleepless night

I am miserable. Lying down now but I still have urges to retch up a storm. 

Dear baby, I really hope you love me and will arrive like an angel straight from heaven. Because I have endured a good deal while gestating you. 

Counting down to December

Lost count of the number of times in the last few months I puked bile.

Yesterday was a good day until my nose detected the odours of lotus seed paste and I threw up a storm complete with bile, muscle spasms and a splitting headache that followed. 

Sleep has been fraught with panic attacks brought upon by various stressors and I'm finally getting the crazy urge to pee.non.stop. Think the uterus is finally tilting towards the bladder.

I also get some numbness in my legs every few hours when I sleep and am really surprised because this is supposed to be a third trimester symptom. 

Nobody said it was easy. 

I just didn't realize what a ride I was really in for!! Now I don't even remember pre-pregnancy freedom and energy levels and mobility. 

But I'm thankful baby is healthy and that's what really really matters now. Keep growing well and remember to smile at the camera tomorrow so I can see you clearly! 

Metamorphosis

I hates dragon fruit. I bought three earlier and wolfed it down.

I pretty much am a noodles person now. I used to be all rice and pasta. 

Just two examples out of too many changes. 

By December, I might not know who I am anymore. 

Return of the nausea monster

Nausea has returned like a violent and ferocious tornado after seemingly tapering off. I've had violent pukes, muscle spasms and even had to shampoo my hair and flush my nose to get rid of all residual smell.

Not very nice picture but a realistic account of the less favorable side of pregnancy. Not everyone can look like Kate Middleton and there are some who just puke way after the supposed taper-off period.

I know I shouldn't complain about this common affliction. But I do need to log this down to prevent myself from considering a second pregnancy without mental preparation. (And to remind my child the sacrifices I had to make) 

I'm looking forward to respite and reprieve when this ends. 

I am weak from hardly having any food today and need to relive days in a seemingly distant future when I had energy and life wasn't about sprinting fr bed to toilet and hovering around toilet for most part of the day. 

Almost

I nearly celebrated my first non-puke day but I had one major violent one just 15 minutes ago.

Skirmishes also with the in-laws that make me want to spew fire.

I am close.

Forgive me God because I have sinned.

When you harbor anger, hate, you harbor murder in your heart. I need to forgive, let go and set THIS captive free.

week 10 report

Today was a tough day.

My enemies came out in full force and I was in a tough situation that threatened so much at stake at work.

However, I was really pleased and nothing could rob the joy of hearing the heartbeat of the little one. I thought it sounded like people hurling which is seems like the current soundtrack of my life on repeat mode.

The scan was accidental coz I was back at the doctor's with some stomach cramps and only 4 hours of sleep, a cold and really bad nausea. I hadn't kept food down in 24 hours and I was plain miserable. Doctor wanted to check if baby was ok and hence, the scan. I am still on vaginal scope because my womb has not tilted (I was born with a retroverted womb) and doctor had to press down on my tummy to see hardly anything.

God has given me a lot of promises of late and encouraging revelations to comfort and encourage during these hard times.

They include Exodus..verses like "and Rachel conceived" in my email header and beautiful scriptures from Mark whereby Jesus knew all this time his betrayal took place at night. In my own walk, before the tsunami came at me, friends have been reminding me that the battle belongs to the Lord and He gave me a verse that kept repeating in my mind over and over before I was blindsided (again).

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze" Isaiah 43: 2

How apt. How lovely.

Praise the Lord.

The journey

Puking everyday and getting dead exhausted doesn't make me a mother.
Changing your diapers in future will not make me your mother.
I will be your mother when I want to die for you not because of you.
I am your mother when i never stop believing in you
I am your mother when no matter what, I never stop loving you
I am your mother when you are greater than the sum of everything I have to go through to arrive at your fulfilment and success.

So now, the puking, the physical suffering, they're just ground work on the way to becoming a mother. Not real motherhood.

Puking for 4 weeks of my life

What's happening thus far:

So far my puking has reduced drastically. Some days, it's only at night while some days, I get by without a single epic puke fest.

On the other hand, I've gotten so fatigued and been struck with a few episodes of migraine I couldn't even bear the light on my mobile. Those are worse than nausea in my opinion because they last for long stretches and cannot be alleviated at all by anything. I just have to stay in a cold dark room and fight it out. I end up crying most of the time because it is so debilitating. I read somewhere that it might be due to low blood or blood sugar and some of my friends had these during their pregnancy so...it's just one of the things I have to rough out.

Apart from that, I have also gone into total hibernation mode. I do eat and manage some food now, judging from my expanding waistline. I cannot tell if it's the baby or just fat/flatulence because it's sharp and very firm. I hate to think its fat but really, I keep reminding myself, that my priority is for a healthy baby.

I sleep A LOT! My record was 18 hours a day whereby I wake up only for food and the toilet.

I don't know how and why my body can expand so much energy and I feel like I ran a marathon everyday. I know I'm making a human being but not many I know sleep like that. I find it impossible to wake up and when I do, my head is spinning like a disco ball out of control.

I know I talked about savouring and enjoying the process but I still want to accelerate into the second trimester when things are supposed to be dandier and my concerns are what to wear...

Some days, the physical toil is so much I have to bawl a little to let steam out.

Now, this very moment, I'm feeling gastricky and waves of nausea again. When that happens, a dizzy episode usually ensues.

Signing out.

Forgetting in the midst of pain

The symptoms intensified and so thus the suffering.

So instead of nausea, I've graduated to migraines and had a mini breakdown. Thankfully, it is more tolerable now because prior to that, I couldn't even take the light of the mobile phone without feeling absolutely tortured.

I have turned this whole pregnancy into a slew of countdowns to perceived/expected dates when suffering can be over. Despite the fact that I undeniably still look forward to my child's birth, I have decided to miss the good parts of the pregnancy and let the symptoms overwhelm and dominate my entire mind, lapsing into a mini pre-natal depression state.

Yes, the symptoms are hard to bear but on the bright side, they are indicative of progress and growth. Yes, some other women have it like a breeze but if I compared on, I would never be happy. On top of all these, I am part of a supernatural process- making a whole human being from scratch.

Like my friend advised, these symptoms might or might not alleviate and hormones, until they taper off or until my body gets used to their onslaught is unlikely to happen soon. Therefore, while it is normal to get down and need plenty of rest, I need an arsenal of happy strategies to win this game against depression.

As weird as this sounds, I need to find a way to savour the process and find happy milestones and happy things to keep my mind occupied and healthy.

In other news, my hcg increase wasn't ideal today. But thanks to the headache, I soon stopped worrying while I curled up in pain. At some point, I was using object to hit my head to relieve me of the inner pain.

Dr sounded a bit worried but all will be out during a scan 7 days from now. Then, I'll be at week 9 and there must be a heartbeat by then. I'm apprehensive but hoping for the best.

I am going to try to spare myself the emotional roller coaster that tends to strike during tense periods of waiting and exhaust every effort to fight the negative emotions. It is easier said than done and I don't have a strong track record of winning this but I need some strategies to kickstart this.

Catching up on TV that I don't get to watch while working helps and maybe that's a faint first step I'll take.

Then, now that I nap better, I'm going to attempt more of that too.

So there, trying to be strong. Baby, be strong too.

MILESTONE-week 8

I'm finally at week 8!

Praise the Lord. While the morning/night and day sickness is alleviating, I am still getting hot flushes and dizzy spells from the hormone pills. TO TOP IT ALL OFF, I have a swollen toe now because I semi sprained/snubbed it and didn't realise until the pain was unbearable.

I'm so excited and I cannot wait till week 9 ultrasound.

Please baby, please show the world your heartbeat. To let me know I didn't suffer in vain.

To make it more exciting, I absolutely love the char bee noon from Gleneagles cafe. It's crazy but amongst the few things I eat,  I love their food, in particular the malay store.

So since I'm eating basically nothing, I'm really looking forward to eat so that this bub can grow grow grow.

My baby update.

It's been 3 weeks since I discovered my pregnancy. 21 days exactly. 

I've been at risk of dehydration only too many times and the sweltering heat doesn't help. The house is a heated sauna and even air conditioning provides little respite. I perspire profusely and then go clammy and go dizzy. It's crazy and I'm trying not to catch a cold while I go from very hot to very cold within seconds and try not to dehydrate. It's a delicate balance. 

I try not to worry but I'm plagued by nightmares. I also suffer from terrible moods. Not moodswings because I'm hardly rested or happy when circumstances are overwhelming and I feel utterly useless. 

Everyday I'm thankful it's once more day. 

Everyday. 

Praise God. 

Exodus 23.26

For none shall miscarry or be barren in your land; I'll fulfill all your days. 

Only 226 days or 226+7 days to go. Gynae isn't sure of exact due date but I'm already counting down to the day I see my healthy child face to face.