Thursday, April 14, 2011
hong kong
What is it about this land that mesmerizes me in a way that I can't stop thinking about it? I really doubt it's really about the shopping and food. I have returned from trips with nothing because I didn't have time to shop. Each time I return to HK, I feel like I'm home. When I watch TVB, I almost ache like I'm pining for an absent lover. I don't have that many friends there, enough to fill up the dinner and dim sum slots of a 5 day trip but that's really it. So what really is the allure? The old beggars along the streets of Mongkok, the illegal immigrants caged up literally in inhumane cages in the slums or the haunting images of what I call the 'burnt' buildings housing so many trapped in a vicious cycle of poverty? The dichotamy and contrast of the very rich and the most destitute, co-existing in the same land? The seemingly soulless individuals that seem to live to eat and shop all day long and accumulate copious amounts of wealth that goes into tiny apartments half the size of my four room flat?These haunt me. I try my best to brush up on cantonese, in the event that if God and life does lead us there, I won't be left handicapped and struggling unable to communicate with anyone except the english educated. However, cantonese is by no means similar to mandarin. The script is different, the syntaxes and grammar are entirely different. Some words that appear in the cantonese daily speak do not have a corresponding mandarin word as well. TVB is my best tutor to date but even so, the progress is slow. Especially when I watch period dramas and the imperial speak is by no means close to the colloquail everyday language. I scrutinize the subtitles (that I can barely read) to guess the meanings. My knack of memorizing chunks of lyrics from cantonese songs also do not come in the least bit handy because really, no one speaks in the poetic verses of songs or have no tones in their speech. I really don't see it happening anyway anyhow. But I'm just going to keep learning. My only tutors now are unwilling unresponsive ones-TVB, Crystal Jade and Imperial Treasure waitresses and my learn cantonese 101 cds AND dictionaries. When will I see you again, dear HK? SIA just raised their airfares and I don't know how to endure the gruelling harsh treatment of Jetstar. But for you, I just might, spoilt as I am.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Mid day thoughts
Gripes: Cramps. Headache. And the teething. And people not replying emails.
Such common woe of earthly urban life. Just want to curl up in bed now and sleep the pain away. In the midst of the horribly mundane, I wonder where God is and what he is doing now.
Thankful to be meeting Cali tonight. We don't do this often enough. I miss the girls.
Was reading mgs forum last night and Some of the (really) old girls have seen each other through every stage of life. Graduations, marriages, some divorces, births and even deaths.
My closest friends have witnessed both my best and worst moments and we've gone through puberty, crushes, heartbreaks and the shock of adulthood together as we stand against the forces that so often try to crush our spirit and steal our joy. I hope for many more years to come and that we will march right into eternity with aplomb and grace.
Such common woe of earthly urban life. Just want to curl up in bed now and sleep the pain away. In the midst of the horribly mundane, I wonder where God is and what he is doing now.
Thankful to be meeting Cali tonight. We don't do this often enough. I miss the girls.
Was reading mgs forum last night and Some of the (really) old girls have seen each other through every stage of life. Graduations, marriages, some divorces, births and even deaths.
My closest friends have witnessed both my best and worst moments and we've gone through puberty, crushes, heartbreaks and the shock of adulthood together as we stand against the forces that so often try to crush our spirit and steal our joy. I hope for many more years to come and that we will march right into eternity with aplomb and grace.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Shrink wrapped unravel programme
It just dawned on me that if I do let myself go and be vulnerable again, I can actually feel beyond the usual menu of dread and expectation of disappointment. I can actually be very very happy even though I'm potentially setting myself up to be disappointed. The million-dollar question is: is it worth it? Looking back on the past few months, I haven't exactly had the best track record when it came to discerning people. I've proved to be a bad judge of character and this only heightened my reservations towards people. I don't mind sharing life experiences for the edification of others (if it helps) but I don't let others into my heart easily. Don't get me wrong, I do care and love but I've insulated my heart with so much material to fortify and 'cynicize' that I know that even if they disappoint me, betray my trust, turn out to be evil monsters in disguise...I won't mourn too much. I might beat myself up for being stupid for a few days (maybe weeks) but I'll be up and going again, heart intact the last I left it-a thousand pieces held together by glue and 'shrink-wrapped'. Pun fully intented. If I peel of the layers of shrink wrap, I'll run the risk of exposing the fragility to a whole gamut of emotions ranging from the very best to the worst of the worst. I'd be able to experience both heaven and hell within the confines of the same space, albeit at different times. I'll actually be alive. I have so many people in my life but so few, hardly any that I'm vulnerable with. There will always be that distance I keep emotionally with people so they don't come too near. My heart is like that Egyptian mummy in the British museum. Wrapped and embalmed for preservation but glassed up so that it remains visible but no one gets to come near enough to touch it. Even though it lies in plain view, it is not quite the same. The visitors stand a good metre away, to prevent contamination and damage. It is so delicate and so prone to damage. It has withstood the test of time and won the fight against utter decomposition. Nonetheless, it is still dead. Somewhat like me.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Teething adult
Fevers. Pain. Headaches. New empathy for teething babies who can't even express their pain apart from wailing.
Friday, April 08, 2011
How long more
The last 2 days have been harrowing and draining both physically and emotionally and I don't even know where to begin and how it will end.
I would think that to everyone, forgiveness of sins would sound like incredible good news only to realize for the upteenth time that some people are adamant that they have never done anything wrong and hence the cross was irrelevant and superfluous. What is truly incredulous is when you claim to accept the cross and now profess to be christian and now flagrantly continue in evil ways hiding beneath the cloak of self-righteousness and abusing the name of God which you represent.
I abhor the christian hypocrisy and pray that one day, God purges it out of his church and judge his own first before letting them flagrantly judge the rest of the world and send multitudes to hell. Instead of ushering the lost to the savior, many christians are stumbling others by living lives condoning sin in their lives via 'grace' while condemning sin in others' lives.
I am disgusted and disillusioned. It is an evil age I live in and I don't know how long more these get to triumph and seem to get the upper hand. How long more before God himself convicts and delivers? Judges and vindicates? How long more before their derisive laughter is silenced?
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!
I would think that to everyone, forgiveness of sins would sound like incredible good news only to realize for the upteenth time that some people are adamant that they have never done anything wrong and hence the cross was irrelevant and superfluous. What is truly incredulous is when you claim to accept the cross and now profess to be christian and now flagrantly continue in evil ways hiding beneath the cloak of self-righteousness and abusing the name of God which you represent.
I abhor the christian hypocrisy and pray that one day, God purges it out of his church and judge his own first before letting them flagrantly judge the rest of the world and send multitudes to hell. Instead of ushering the lost to the savior, many christians are stumbling others by living lives condoning sin in their lives via 'grace' while condemning sin in others' lives.
I am disgusted and disillusioned. It is an evil age I live in and I don't know how long more these get to triumph and seem to get the upper hand. How long more before God himself convicts and delivers? Judges and vindicates? How long more before their derisive laughter is silenced?
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!
Monday, April 04, 2011
Friday, April 01, 2011
Strange things happen at night
Sweetest/funniest memories:
1)remember the I stare at you while you're sleeping and then you opened your eyes and scream the block down times?
2)you holding my hand in your sleep
3)you grabbing my pillow Fr under my head in your sleep
4)your sleep talking. Which includes a whole running conversation that you have no recollection of the next morning.
5)you still dig your nose when asleep!!
1)remember the I stare at you while you're sleeping and then you opened your eyes and scream the block down times?
2)you holding my hand in your sleep
3)you grabbing my pillow Fr under my head in your sleep
4)your sleep talking. Which includes a whole running conversation that you have no recollection of the next morning.
5)you still dig your nose when asleep!!
Hard to win
Really should have taken the panadol much much earlier and spare myself 5 hours of unnecessary suffering.
Now that the panadol is in my bloodstream, the gastric is back. Do hard to win in life sometimes.
Goodnight world.
Now that the panadol is in my bloodstream, the gastric is back. Do hard to win in life sometimes.
Goodnight world.
Goo goo dolls song. Can't remember the song name
For Isaac, my husband and best friend.
You're sleeping so soundly beside me now.even though I still have the headache from 7 pm, I am overwhelmed by joy and gratitude. I can't really see you in the dark but I can hear you ( snore). Even this has become such an integral part of my life and it tells me you are safe in dreamland and thankful. Hope it's sweet.
You hold my hand sometimes even when you're asleep. You instinctively grab it. Once, you even held it to your chest. This will forever remain as one of the sweetest memories I'll ever have. Thanks for so many sweet memories.
This song mirrors my feelings now:
And i'd give up forever to touch you
cause i know that you feel me somehow,
you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be
and i don't want to go home right now
and all i can taste is this moment
and all i can breathe is your life
when sooner or later it's over
i just don't wanna miss you tonight
and i don't want the world to see me,
cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken,
i just want you to know who I am.
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
or the moments of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies,
yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
You're sleeping so soundly beside me now.even though I still have the headache from 7 pm, I am overwhelmed by joy and gratitude. I can't really see you in the dark but I can hear you ( snore). Even this has become such an integral part of my life and it tells me you are safe in dreamland and thankful. Hope it's sweet.
You hold my hand sometimes even when you're asleep. You instinctively grab it. Once, you even held it to your chest. This will forever remain as one of the sweetest memories I'll ever have. Thanks for so many sweet memories.
This song mirrors my feelings now:
And i'd give up forever to touch you
cause i know that you feel me somehow,
you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be
and i don't want to go home right now
and all i can taste is this moment
and all i can breathe is your life
when sooner or later it's over
i just don't wanna miss you tonight
and i don't want the world to see me,
cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken,
i just want you to know who I am.
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
or the moments of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies,
yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
Thursday, March 31, 2011
While I'm waiting
Elijah spent a lot of time waiting in between the excitement of calling down fire and running from Jezebel.
Lord,teach me how to wait with the right attitude and be faithful even in the 'boring' seasons. I am well provided for in every way and have quite actively sought out to be useful and take on jobs but all the only thing I'm ignoring and procrastinating is wait.
I have conjured up things to do such as promotional mechanics and marketing activities for the business that I have meaning to wind down. From the looks of it, I am a confused disorganized skittish person who on one hand is prepping for liquidation but on the other hand conjures up more work for myself WHILE spending hours a day on a job hunt.
What is up with me? What does God want me to do in this nothingness? What can I do? I feel so depleted and empty.
Lord,teach me how to wait with the right attitude and be faithful even in the 'boring' seasons. I am well provided for in every way and have quite actively sought out to be useful and take on jobs but all the only thing I'm ignoring and procrastinating is wait.
I have conjured up things to do such as promotional mechanics and marketing activities for the business that I have meaning to wind down. From the looks of it, I am a confused disorganized skittish person who on one hand is prepping for liquidation but on the other hand conjures up more work for myself WHILE spending hours a day on a job hunt.
What is up with me? What does God want me to do in this nothingness? What can I do? I feel so depleted and empty.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Some people hail it as a technological winder and after much goading and guilting,I finally downloaded it.
Pretty cool for the first few hours chatting with my friends and getting updates about their lives. Until...
You see the thing about this programme is that unlike other messaging programs like msn you can't 'hide' from people.as long ad they have your number,they know you're around and can make contact with you.
And that's my main gripe. Some guy whose number is not in my phone anonymously messages me. Thinking that he is a lost friend and a casualty of my last phonebook import attempt, I responded and apologized for losing his contact. However I have absolutely no recollection after he reintroduced himself and he said he knew me when I was a student in UNi but he's not from my UNi and he hasnt talked to me in 6 years. Then the alarm bells started ringing in my head and then I'm wondering if he's the anchorpoint stalker or the weird anonymous one who leaves messages and notes telling me how I despise his 'love'.
So when he asked what I'm currently doing, I told him I'm a housewife hoping he'll get the hint. I went on to wail about this to 2 Weenee n Yp (on whatsapp ironically) and they were like "you're housewife meh???"
Ok,freelance housewife ok?
Whatever the case I got the job done without being antagonistic. Phew!
Pretty cool for the first few hours chatting with my friends and getting updates about their lives. Until...
You see the thing about this programme is that unlike other messaging programs like msn you can't 'hide' from people.as long ad they have your number,they know you're around and can make contact with you.
And that's my main gripe. Some guy whose number is not in my phone anonymously messages me. Thinking that he is a lost friend and a casualty of my last phonebook import attempt, I responded and apologized for losing his contact. However I have absolutely no recollection after he reintroduced himself and he said he knew me when I was a student in UNi but he's not from my UNi and he hasnt talked to me in 6 years. Then the alarm bells started ringing in my head and then I'm wondering if he's the anchorpoint stalker or the weird anonymous one who leaves messages and notes telling me how I despise his 'love'.
So when he asked what I'm currently doing, I told him I'm a housewife hoping he'll get the hint. I went on to wail about this to 2 Weenee n Yp (on whatsapp ironically) and they were like "you're housewife meh???"
Ok,freelance housewife ok?
Whatever the case I got the job done without being antagonistic. Phew!
Why I'm special
This is one of the questions asked and I was supposed to detail what makes me special compared to the multitudes queuing for a job in this company that I applied to.
I had no clue and as I mulled I could not come up with anything remotely positive and it was soo depressing. I knew others had a strong edge over me and were better qualified in many aspects. In short, I'm really not that exceptional except that I always allow myself to be stretched (sometimes to the point of snapping) and seem to have a penchant for the path of more resistance.
In the end, I wrote about my entrepreneurial experience and how I survived the global financial crisis and grew it from a mustard seed to what it is today. I have lived many years compressed in the last three years. Many will never ever know the bitter sweet uphill climb and trepidation of entrepreneurship and learnt the lessons not taught in school.
I hope this answer is satisfactory because it's the best I can manage. At the heart of it all, I'm really just an ordinary girl with an extraordinary God.
I had no clue and as I mulled I could not come up with anything remotely positive and it was soo depressing. I knew others had a strong edge over me and were better qualified in many aspects. In short, I'm really not that exceptional except that I always allow myself to be stretched (sometimes to the point of snapping) and seem to have a penchant for the path of more resistance.
In the end, I wrote about my entrepreneurial experience and how I survived the global financial crisis and grew it from a mustard seed to what it is today. I have lived many years compressed in the last three years. Many will never ever know the bitter sweet uphill climb and trepidation of entrepreneurship and learnt the lessons not taught in school.
I hope this answer is satisfactory because it's the best I can manage. At the heart of it all, I'm really just an ordinary girl with an extraordinary God.
Help me,God!!
I don't know what it is but I feel like curling up in bed and just sleeping the day away tomorrow. Had a rough day battling fatigue, commuting,chores and the dark moods that threaten to obscure my mind.
For the first time in a long time, I just don't feel like praying for others. There is a rapid inception of thoughts such as' you can't even help yourself. Why pray for others?' I know it's the enemy talking and I should retaliate with intensified prayer but I'm just so tired.
I also feel very used and ignored by some friends and I'm very close to sanctioning an embargo on just about everyone. Again, I'm well aware that this is another scheme to sow discord and threaten long time friendships and godly alliances but i feel so helpless against the flood of negativity unleashed at me.
Don't know how to get through this week. A shipment that was supposed to arrive in June is on the way. I wasn't notified of it's early release and thinking I have time to spare, I went to say yes to help out in various errands and packed my weekend with gatherings and a baby shower. Church fast begins tomorrow and with a prayer meeting in the evening. I don't know how I'm going to drag myself up jubilee road to church given that im already lifeless while well fed. It has to be by His divine grace and mercy. I wonder what god will accomplish during this fast and I'm waiting in eager anticipation. Without a doubt, Jesus is on his way back and I want tone found ready and faithful.
Gearing up to pray his kingdom come!
God help me!!
For the first time in a long time, I just don't feel like praying for others. There is a rapid inception of thoughts such as' you can't even help yourself. Why pray for others?' I know it's the enemy talking and I should retaliate with intensified prayer but I'm just so tired.
I also feel very used and ignored by some friends and I'm very close to sanctioning an embargo on just about everyone. Again, I'm well aware that this is another scheme to sow discord and threaten long time friendships and godly alliances but i feel so helpless against the flood of negativity unleashed at me.
Don't know how to get through this week. A shipment that was supposed to arrive in June is on the way. I wasn't notified of it's early release and thinking I have time to spare, I went to say yes to help out in various errands and packed my weekend with gatherings and a baby shower. Church fast begins tomorrow and with a prayer meeting in the evening. I don't know how I'm going to drag myself up jubilee road to church given that im already lifeless while well fed. It has to be by His divine grace and mercy. I wonder what god will accomplish during this fast and I'm waiting in eager anticipation. Without a doubt, Jesus is on his way back and I want tone found ready and faithful.
Gearing up to pray his kingdom come!
God help me!!
Monday, March 28, 2011
He knows
I'm amazed and in awe of how uch He really knows. Many might think this is pretty daft since God is omniscient. Maybe I should put it like this, I'm amazed at the littlest thing about me that He knows and yet discover nothing is too minute that He doesn't care about. He knows when I was battling my private fears in the solitary confines of my study at night. He kept my husband awake (I'm sorry!) and told him exactly how to address those fears. I am amazed that He intervenes even in these matters. He truly keeps watch and neither slumbers nor sleep. And of course, He knows what tomorrow holds and where life will take me/has taken me. I don't have the answers to many of life's perplexing questions but the safe sweet knowledge of knowing that He knows makes me feel so indescribably secure. Since He knew that this and that would happened, He will have a plan. He will also intervene. He knows. "I know I am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing"
Friday, March 25, 2011
left-behind phobia
I hate being left behind.
Case(s) in point:
-I am ok with travelling for work but I'm a lot less ok if husband has to.
-I am very open to the idea of relocation and leaving friends and family behind but if the situation was reversed, I'd be a lot sadder.
-I'd rather be the one who dies first.
I always want to be the first to pull the plug. If the plug has to be pulled.
I abhor farewells when it comes to those so dear to my heart but if I know they are leaving, I start withdrawing emotionally before they do so physically.
I want to leave my footprints all over the globe but I want to carry the smitherines of my heart with me whereever I go. Maybe that's why. Because I only truly feel safe alone. Then no one gets to leave me behind.
So forgive me, to those whom I've known long enough to put up with my fleeting nature.
To those who want to know me more, forgive me for fortifying my heart so well you can't reach it.
To those whom I've left behind, forget me. I'm not worth it.
Case(s) in point:
-I am ok with travelling for work but I'm a lot less ok if husband has to.
-I am very open to the idea of relocation and leaving friends and family behind but if the situation was reversed, I'd be a lot sadder.
-I'd rather be the one who dies first.
I always want to be the first to pull the plug. If the plug has to be pulled.
I abhor farewells when it comes to those so dear to my heart but if I know they are leaving, I start withdrawing emotionally before they do so physically.
I want to leave my footprints all over the globe but I want to carry the smitherines of my heart with me whereever I go. Maybe that's why. Because I only truly feel safe alone. Then no one gets to leave me behind.
So forgive me, to those whom I've known long enough to put up with my fleeting nature.
To those who want to know me more, forgive me for fortifying my heart so well you can't reach it.
To those whom I've left behind, forget me. I'm not worth it.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
轉機 粵語 - 潘瑋柏
So I'm on my very slow ascent to being canto-pop queen.
This song really touched me. It's super poetic ...I think. Kelda thinks I probably don't know what it really means but I think I got the meaning.
Lovelovelove!
Vintage
This girl I met in Orchard today mistook me for a sprightly early 20s girl. When I gently broke the news of my real age, she was visibly taken aback and what came out of her next as she tried to redeem herself from the sticky situation was, "err, at your age still can lah."
she was a talent scout.
she was a talent scout.
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