isaac says life is a marathon and i shdn't be so impatient. i agree. sometimes i lose sight of the destination and because of that, i feel like i'm merely existing. i'm not living for Him, for myself or for anyone or for anything. i just breathe enough to last 24 hours and when i reach the 25th, i've made it through another day.
i don't like that. i don't wanto merely exist, or even live just for myself. its not supposed to be like this. life is grander than that. and i find people for who merely exist for the base and shallow so deplorable.there, i said it. its a judgment call..on the act and attitude, not on the person. i just don't want to be ever be like that.
the fire has abated somewhat and i'm restless. i'm wondering what's happening. i live for thrills, the fun and the exciting and suddenly i'm confronted with nothingness alone. i know that i'm on the way to somewhere but the in-between is the place of least excitement.
and of coz that leads to the question, "when i reach there, then what?"
i don't want to hide my personality and be someone else. i'm not someone else. i'm a girl at heart and i have a whole host of idiosyncrosies. my imperfections are perfectly showcased especially on a bad day or when i'm PMSing, or when i don't leave much room for God. while i'll very much like them to go away and let God do a deep work in me, its taking a while, it doesn't warrant comparison and judgment.
i'd like to think that somewhere, even outside this universe, i'm celebrated. me, as a package. not me without faults. perfectly accepted. (don't we all?)but somewhere while writing through the codes of human rights, a perfectionist left that out. a world that doesn't know perfect love makes no provision for imperfection.
today, i had a glimpse of chastisement with love. God made me see some real wrong in me that i refused to see thanks to the self-righteous streak in me. and that dawned on me, it was like "ah!" and i could see Him gently leading me and making my paths straight again. i felt so loved. ever know how that feels?
i don't like birthdays. my own. i don't know when it started. it's not just about the getting old part. i stopped celebrating the day that commemorated my entrance into this world. the mark of my journey. i feel intrinsically tied to that day and i want it so badly to be perfect. but very often, it has not. i try so hard to drown it out with the mundane so i won't think about me. so i won't feel insignificant. i wonder how the party they threw in heaven was like the day i was born again.
if you pluck any random girl out from the street, i'll probably pale in comparison, in almost any aspect. (Except maybe my appetite)yes, i've been nothing and i'm still nothing and i'd just like to think that somewhere, someone celebrates my nothingness.
and even when i reach the point of something, i pray it'll never overwhelm me that i'll forget Him who truly is everything. all in all. through it all.
i like to dwell upon self-worth. everytime i ponder till the point of despair that i'm such a nothing, God always interrupts my chain of thoughts to remind me what He paid for me.
and i smile and weep and rejoice for I AM equivalent to the intrinsic value of the darling of Heaven.
i say, love a 'nothing' today.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Sunday, July 08, 2007
4th duckobell.
we crossed our 4th ocean today. by the sure mercies and faithfulness of our Lord Jesus Christ.
and praise God, there were fireworks to decorate our special day too. today i can say i love him more more than 4 years ago. today i can say, that i'm even more sure than i ever was. today i can say that i've tasted His goodness in our lives and it is good.
Honey in the rock.Tough on the outside, but molten sweetness on the inside.
and tomorrow i'll say the same.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
singled
these two weeks have felt extremely long. sometimes, even lonely.
i have to be mindful that above all else, He is my partner, my co-labourer, my constant companion. when He arrests my attention and everything around dims until the only light i see is Him, that's the most wonderful feeling in the way and i'm at the highest, unsurpassed peak in this world.
unfortunately, i do not always realise that. sometimes, the daily grind of things causes me to lose focus and open the door for weariness to set in. then, instead of running to the prince for refreshing, i just languish in that state , refusing to go beyond that.
sometimes, i just need a friend to understand. that its not just about the money, the promises it brings to us. sometimes, we labour for a bigger picture. i don't wanto sound like i'm some noble but i'm just so sick of people clamouring only after these things. things have never kept me happy, not for long anyway and they're not owning my heart and life anytime soon.
sometimes, i just want someone to chase God with me. i don't need another shopping companion after a tired day at work, a tired week. i need a friend to hear me out, share our highs and lows and know i have family in this kingdom and a comrade with a common cause.
everyone just wants to hear the blessedness but there were so few to share the struggles.
i really miss my friends so much.
to you, you and you...lets make time soon.
to you, welcome back..i've missed you. =)
to You, i'm sorry for the things i've made it, when it's really all about You.
i have to be mindful that above all else, He is my partner, my co-labourer, my constant companion. when He arrests my attention and everything around dims until the only light i see is Him, that's the most wonderful feeling in the way and i'm at the highest, unsurpassed peak in this world.
unfortunately, i do not always realise that. sometimes, the daily grind of things causes me to lose focus and open the door for weariness to set in. then, instead of running to the prince for refreshing, i just languish in that state , refusing to go beyond that.
sometimes, i just need a friend to understand. that its not just about the money, the promises it brings to us. sometimes, we labour for a bigger picture. i don't wanto sound like i'm some noble but i'm just so sick of people clamouring only after these things. things have never kept me happy, not for long anyway and they're not owning my heart and life anytime soon.
sometimes, i just want someone to chase God with me. i don't need another shopping companion after a tired day at work, a tired week. i need a friend to hear me out, share our highs and lows and know i have family in this kingdom and a comrade with a common cause.
everyone just wants to hear the blessedness but there were so few to share the struggles.
i really miss my friends so much.
to you, you and you...lets make time soon.
to you, welcome back..i've missed you. =)
to You, i'm sorry for the things i've made it, when it's really all about You.
Monday, June 25, 2007
i like to quote
Theodore Roosevelt:
"the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again ; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end of triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."
"the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again ; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end of triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."
the call to sacrifice
the call to sacrifice-Neil T Anderson and Rich Miller
" It seems to be the great ambition of manking to be happy as animals instead of being blessed as children of God. The cross calls us to sacrifice the pleasure of things to gain the pleasures of life. If you shoot for this world, you will miss the next.But if you shoot for the next world, god will provide the good things of this world as well as make provision for the next. Paul puts it this way , " Dicipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; for bodily dicipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. It is a trusworthy statement deserving full acceptance." ( 1 Timonthy 4: 7-9)
"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep in order to gain what he cannot lose"-Jim Elliot, matyred missionary.
" It seems to be the great ambition of manking to be happy as animals instead of being blessed as children of God. The cross calls us to sacrifice the pleasure of things to gain the pleasures of life. If you shoot for this world, you will miss the next.But if you shoot for the next world, god will provide the good things of this world as well as make provision for the next. Paul puts it this way , " Dicipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; for bodily dicipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. It is a trusworthy statement deserving full acceptance." ( 1 Timonthy 4: 7-9)
"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep in order to gain what he cannot lose"-Jim Elliot, matyred missionary.
returning
sometimes if i'm not careful, i make an idol out of certain things and it takes my focus away from the only one that matters.
until i'm gently nudged to go back to my first love and allow it to take precedence in my life again.
**
put on quite a bit of weight and i feel clumsy. some might like to dispute that i was clumsy when i was skinny but thats not the point. last week i walked into a wooden plank, walked into a man riding a bike and caused him to nearly fall off the bike amongst other things.
i feel like i take up more space than before and thus, things and pple shd make way for me.
i was quite upset abt the increase in weight until i remember my doctor telling me that my bmi prior to my putting on weight was like 17 and that increases risk for osteoporosis.
i was also upset that alot of that weight seems to show up alot on my face.
certain pple are so going to make fun of my cheeks.
sigh.byebye self esteem
until i'm gently nudged to go back to my first love and allow it to take precedence in my life again.
**
put on quite a bit of weight and i feel clumsy. some might like to dispute that i was clumsy when i was skinny but thats not the point. last week i walked into a wooden plank, walked into a man riding a bike and caused him to nearly fall off the bike amongst other things.
i feel like i take up more space than before and thus, things and pple shd make way for me.
i was quite upset abt the increase in weight until i remember my doctor telling me that my bmi prior to my putting on weight was like 17 and that increases risk for osteoporosis.
i was also upset that alot of that weight seems to show up alot on my face.
certain pple are so going to make fun of my cheeks.
sigh.byebye self esteem
Sunday, June 24, 2007
who are we really rejecting?
"they don't see you as i do"
i like that God sees me covered by the blood and accepts me in all my humanity. he sees hope in my future despite the little that i am. i don't wanto ever grow independent of him. i like it that He walks through the valleys AND mountaintops and my weaknesses are not repulsive to Him. His love is not cancelled out by anything i do and at my lowest, i can always expect His love to be even sweeter and stronger.
one of my main struggles in life is refusing to fear and take into consideration man's opinion and making the concious choice to put God's opinion over all else. even though He is unseen and they are seen ( to the naked eye).
its so easy to subject myself to the scrutiny of man and allow my esteem to fluctuate according to their moods. not that God sees me as perfected but the acceptance He has for me by virtue of Jesus' qualification and justification is something no man can ever give me and i cherish that more than anything else in the world.
man might read one page in my life and dismiss me but God knows the story, from beginning to the end. and He is determined to walk me through more than i want Him to.
i'm determined to do the same and even though sometimes i fail and find myself swallowed in pride as i despise certain others, nothing pains me more than when even the church despises its own. its nothing out of the ordinary shd we suffer persecution from the world but when the world offers more acceptance than the church, something is seriously wrong.
sarah allis yang shared today about her experience of walking freely and finding acceptance to God, imperfect as she is. i love her spirit and she is one of the christian leaders of today that i truly respect. she doesn't preach a message. her life is the message. her and her whole team at the ark will put any religiousity to shame and i'm so glad our paths crossed. i like the fact that she doesn't bother to hide her imperfections by donning religious robes /dresscodes and comes truly as she is, with her imperfections and flaws. i love her team so much i have to fight impulses to swim over to the states to join them.
i long for this kind of fellowship and brotherly love and i can see how pleased the Father is when His children are like that and having been in the church scene in singapore for well over 10 years, sadly, i have never came close to what they have.
if there weas a prototype for all of us to conform into, then we're missing it. the church of Jesus Christ is meant to be a diverse church because Christ came for the world. the church should have room for all sorts, and not the perfected. the perfect belong to their own narrow minds and should make room for those Jesus died for, the true inheritors of the earth. the sinners, the sick, the outcasts, me.
i wish someone would remember the pit they were hewn from and know that if all they're looking for is top grade (measured by the world's standards , ironically), they cannot expect a revival. coz top grade pple don't think they need Jesus and are few and far between.
make room and shoo!
**
a black man was cast out of a white church some 100 years ago. he lay outside crying at the door, disheartened and dejected. suddenly, Jesus appeared to him. Sobbing, he cried out "Lord, they won't let me in".
Jesus lovingly replied "Son, they won't let me in too"
**
i like that God sees me covered by the blood and accepts me in all my humanity. he sees hope in my future despite the little that i am. i don't wanto ever grow independent of him. i like it that He walks through the valleys AND mountaintops and my weaknesses are not repulsive to Him. His love is not cancelled out by anything i do and at my lowest, i can always expect His love to be even sweeter and stronger.
one of my main struggles in life is refusing to fear and take into consideration man's opinion and making the concious choice to put God's opinion over all else. even though He is unseen and they are seen ( to the naked eye).
its so easy to subject myself to the scrutiny of man and allow my esteem to fluctuate according to their moods. not that God sees me as perfected but the acceptance He has for me by virtue of Jesus' qualification and justification is something no man can ever give me and i cherish that more than anything else in the world.
man might read one page in my life and dismiss me but God knows the story, from beginning to the end. and He is determined to walk me through more than i want Him to.
i'm determined to do the same and even though sometimes i fail and find myself swallowed in pride as i despise certain others, nothing pains me more than when even the church despises its own. its nothing out of the ordinary shd we suffer persecution from the world but when the world offers more acceptance than the church, something is seriously wrong.
sarah allis yang shared today about her experience of walking freely and finding acceptance to God, imperfect as she is. i love her spirit and she is one of the christian leaders of today that i truly respect. she doesn't preach a message. her life is the message. her and her whole team at the ark will put any religiousity to shame and i'm so glad our paths crossed. i like the fact that she doesn't bother to hide her imperfections by donning religious robes /dresscodes and comes truly as she is, with her imperfections and flaws. i love her team so much i have to fight impulses to swim over to the states to join them.
i long for this kind of fellowship and brotherly love and i can see how pleased the Father is when His children are like that and having been in the church scene in singapore for well over 10 years, sadly, i have never came close to what they have.
if there weas a prototype for all of us to conform into, then we're missing it. the church of Jesus Christ is meant to be a diverse church because Christ came for the world. the church should have room for all sorts, and not the perfected. the perfect belong to their own narrow minds and should make room for those Jesus died for, the true inheritors of the earth. the sinners, the sick, the outcasts, me.
i wish someone would remember the pit they were hewn from and know that if all they're looking for is top grade (measured by the world's standards , ironically), they cannot expect a revival. coz top grade pple don't think they need Jesus and are few and far between.
make room and shoo!
**
a black man was cast out of a white church some 100 years ago. he lay outside crying at the door, disheartened and dejected. suddenly, Jesus appeared to him. Sobbing, he cried out "Lord, they won't let me in".
Jesus lovingly replied "Son, they won't let me in too"
**
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Anchoring.
i found myself in semi panic mode today. after i took caffeine. i know i shdn't have but i did. my blood pressure has always been pretty low and caffeine worsens the condition. soon i found myself spinning, pouring cold sweat and my heart racing. this was followed by waves of nausea.
i hope to learn my lesson. no more caffeine. ever.
also, i was also stressed with financial forecasting. Lack of experience and an unhealthy fear of numbers thanks to failing a maths for 2 years straight didn't help.
so i just panicked and panicked...and all this time my head was spinning and i was pukish.
didn't help until i threw everything aside to just cry out to Him. and being faithful to His child, peace managed to tranquilize my soul and arrest my heart.
phew.
**
found a pretty cool list that pretty much sums up alot of deception we face in the modern world, so i thought i'll share it:
Deception
1) believing that acquiring money and things will bring lasting happiness (ref: Matt 13.22, 1 Tim 6.10)
2)believing that consuming food and alcohol excessively will make me happy (Prov 20.1, 23.19-21)
3)believing that a great body and personality will get me what i want. (Prov 31.10, 1 oeter 3.3-4)
4)believing that gratifying sexual lust will bring lasting satisfaction ( Ephesians 4.22, 1 Peter 2.11)
5)believing that i can sin and get away with it and not have it affect my heart (Hebrews 3.12,13)
6)believing that i need more than what God has given me in Christ ( 2 Cor 11.2-4,3-15)
7)believing that i can do whatever i want and no one can touch me (prov 16.18, obadiah 3, 1 peter 5.5)
8) believing that unrighteous people who refuse to accept Christ go to heaven anyway ( 1 Cor 6.9-11)
9)believing that i can hand around bad company and not become corrupted ( 1 Cor 15.33,34)
10) believing that there are no consequences on earth for my sin ( Gal 6.7-8)
11) believing that i must gain the approval of certain people in order to be happy ( Gal 1.10)
12) believing that i must measure up to certain standards in order to feel good abt myself (Gal 3.2,3;5.1)
recognize anything? let the truth set you free!
i hope to learn my lesson. no more caffeine. ever.
also, i was also stressed with financial forecasting. Lack of experience and an unhealthy fear of numbers thanks to failing a maths for 2 years straight didn't help.
so i just panicked and panicked...and all this time my head was spinning and i was pukish.
didn't help until i threw everything aside to just cry out to Him. and being faithful to His child, peace managed to tranquilize my soul and arrest my heart.
phew.
**
found a pretty cool list that pretty much sums up alot of deception we face in the modern world, so i thought i'll share it:
Deception
1) believing that acquiring money and things will bring lasting happiness (ref: Matt 13.22, 1 Tim 6.10)
2)believing that consuming food and alcohol excessively will make me happy (Prov 20.1, 23.19-21)
3)believing that a great body and personality will get me what i want. (Prov 31.10, 1 oeter 3.3-4)
4)believing that gratifying sexual lust will bring lasting satisfaction ( Ephesians 4.22, 1 Peter 2.11)
5)believing that i can sin and get away with it and not have it affect my heart (Hebrews 3.12,13)
6)believing that i need more than what God has given me in Christ ( 2 Cor 11.2-4,3-15)
7)believing that i can do whatever i want and no one can touch me (prov 16.18, obadiah 3, 1 peter 5.5)
8) believing that unrighteous people who refuse to accept Christ go to heaven anyway ( 1 Cor 6.9-11)
9)believing that i can hand around bad company and not become corrupted ( 1 Cor 15.33,34)
10) believing that there are no consequences on earth for my sin ( Gal 6.7-8)
11) believing that i must gain the approval of certain people in order to be happy ( Gal 1.10)
12) believing that i must measure up to certain standards in order to feel good abt myself (Gal 3.2,3;5.1)
recognize anything? let the truth set you free!
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
announcement
i'm very pleased to announce that supper is a legitimate meal. because Jesus ate supper. HALLEHLUJAH!
the last supper remember??
the last supper remember??
why wait?
one day every tongue will confess You are God, one day every knee will bow
but the greatest treasure remains for those
who gladly choose You now
but the greatest treasure remains for those
who gladly choose You now
Monday, June 18, 2007
thought of the day
let my valleys be full of Your joy and peace, as i behold your majesty. let man not see me when i'm on the mountain tops but see the banner declaring your son, lifted even higher that they may know that You are sovereign in my life.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
undone
"woe is me , for I am undone!
because I am a man of unclean lips
and i dwell in the midst of a people with unclean lips
for my eyes have seen the King
The Lord of Hosts"
Isaiah 6.5
because I am a man of unclean lips
and i dwell in the midst of a people with unclean lips
for my eyes have seen the King
The Lord of Hosts"
Isaiah 6.5
Friday, June 15, 2007
Church camp 2007 report.
back. and so changed. this time, it's different. its no longer just an experience, a spectacular demonstration of power and majesty. this time, i'm convicted
i'm almost speechless so be patient while i struggle to string my thoughts. i repent of every disdainful thought i had towards this trip. God blew my mind, wrestled for my mind and won my mind (and heart). its not just everything made right. i dont wanto boast abt anything and make myself sound like the greater saint but somehow this time round, i felt almost sold out.for Him.that nothing else matters.
my own agendas appeared to have laid to rest. i don't know but i don't think i have the strength to resurrect them again. i used to be afraid, that He'll give me an assignment i don't like but now, i'm seeing the fruits of obedience and the grace that comes to equip me when i deny my mind and say '' yes''.
the deep desire of my heart is nothing more than His pleasure and making Him happy. i feel like i can't live at all if its not the best He wants. i'm a love sick bride of Christ. just excuse me.
prophecies galore but that's not even the highlight. so many confimations. they just serve as accessories to the main thing. was so engulfed with molten love i was incapacitated and speechless. tears flowed freely but the joy deep within was incomprehensible. i was not satisfied...i thought i'd be but i found myself wanting more.
all the struggles have ceased by now as i die. as the waters went into the dead sea and emerged from the other side as fresh living waters, watch while i die. don't hold on. i've been crucified with my Lord and i want so badly to live as He'd want me to . i almost think some of you will think like you lost a friend. because i'll be unfamiliar..but i take heart that some of you will gain a better friend. dying to myself so that Christ can come alive in me. to take territories for God, i must first surrender my own.
it's all so precious to me i'm afraid that if i share with the spirit of unbelief, the value of it all will be diminished. so pardon me if i don't put it here.
still discovering more as i incline myself to His voice. i saw the mantle. i wanto finish the race well.
now i feel truly victorious. its the marrying of the shulamite and the nazarite in me. no longer just lovesick in worship but i love enough to fight back and take back, for His cause. the nazarites fight..hard.love hard.
suddenly i'm not aware of my limitations and inadequacies that scream '' im just me, what can i do?" but i just wanto do it because i hate the things he hate and love the things he love.
strange ..if you knew me.
"just give me 12 men who fear nothing but God and hate nothing but sin".
i'm almost speechless so be patient while i struggle to string my thoughts. i repent of every disdainful thought i had towards this trip. God blew my mind, wrestled for my mind and won my mind (and heart). its not just everything made right. i dont wanto boast abt anything and make myself sound like the greater saint but somehow this time round, i felt almost sold out.for Him.that nothing else matters.
my own agendas appeared to have laid to rest. i don't know but i don't think i have the strength to resurrect them again. i used to be afraid, that He'll give me an assignment i don't like but now, i'm seeing the fruits of obedience and the grace that comes to equip me when i deny my mind and say '' yes''.
the deep desire of my heart is nothing more than His pleasure and making Him happy. i feel like i can't live at all if its not the best He wants. i'm a love sick bride of Christ. just excuse me.
prophecies galore but that's not even the highlight. so many confimations. they just serve as accessories to the main thing. was so engulfed with molten love i was incapacitated and speechless. tears flowed freely but the joy deep within was incomprehensible. i was not satisfied...i thought i'd be but i found myself wanting more.
all the struggles have ceased by now as i die. as the waters went into the dead sea and emerged from the other side as fresh living waters, watch while i die. don't hold on. i've been crucified with my Lord and i want so badly to live as He'd want me to . i almost think some of you will think like you lost a friend. because i'll be unfamiliar..but i take heart that some of you will gain a better friend. dying to myself so that Christ can come alive in me. to take territories for God, i must first surrender my own.
it's all so precious to me i'm afraid that if i share with the spirit of unbelief, the value of it all will be diminished. so pardon me if i don't put it here.
still discovering more as i incline myself to His voice. i saw the mantle. i wanto finish the race well.
now i feel truly victorious. its the marrying of the shulamite and the nazarite in me. no longer just lovesick in worship but i love enough to fight back and take back, for His cause. the nazarites fight..hard.love hard.
suddenly i'm not aware of my limitations and inadequacies that scream '' im just me, what can i do?" but i just wanto do it because i hate the things he hate and love the things he love.
strange ..if you knew me.
"just give me 12 men who fear nothing but God and hate nothing but sin".
Friday, June 08, 2007
testament of my creativity
this is totally random. and it came to me at 1.23 am. i'm cracking up making fun of my name.
some time ago, dear shuxin suggested we call our new business 'xin corp'.
tonight this came to me, i cld easily change my name to ling er ring (lingering) or ling er rie (lingerie).
my surname is just so funky.
pam, its such a pity you became a ting. we were almost family. i know no one else who can lay claim to the strange dialect grp.
don't remind me i'm turning quek.
no...wait, its quek-ling.
some time ago, dear shuxin suggested we call our new business 'xin corp'.
tonight this came to me, i cld easily change my name to ling er ring (lingering) or ling er rie (lingerie).
my surname is just so funky.
pam, its such a pity you became a ting. we were almost family. i know no one else who can lay claim to the strange dialect grp.
don't remind me i'm turning quek.
no...wait, its quek-ling.
unexpected.
there is a third world country in our midst and so often, i go through the day caught up in my own problems which i thought are bigger than God i turn a blind eye to the needs of others, which i can so easily meet.
i cannot on my own profess to have a heart made of gold. sometimes i think i've got a rather stony heart but i really thought i felt a stab of pain when He illuminated my eyes to share the plight of others.
last sunday in church, i was singing with my heart to really know His heart and the words that resounded so strongly were "break my heart for what breaks Yours" and this very week, that prayer materialized. it was more than I asked for and called for a sacrifice.
i still don't know if i have it in me to obey but i'm praying for the grace to obey. break me if it has to be done but the flesh is really rebelling against it.
now i'm in a position to give, more than a convenient prayer but really give till it hurts. but somehow, even though i know its going to wound my flesh, i'm inclined to that idea. let my spirit win this battle please.
i don't want to weigh the consequences or the options but if what i've 'earned' can be accrued to someone else, i just pray now that that recipient can see what Jesus earned for her.
oh, please pray for me. to have the heart to obey now that i've heard. its already so blessed to hear. maybe this will break my tendency to self-pity and whine when the going gets tough. it really takes the spotlight off me and i really truly get to go about my Father's business.
until i forget me, i never really remember Him.
i cannot on my own profess to have a heart made of gold. sometimes i think i've got a rather stony heart but i really thought i felt a stab of pain when He illuminated my eyes to share the plight of others.
last sunday in church, i was singing with my heart to really know His heart and the words that resounded so strongly were "break my heart for what breaks Yours" and this very week, that prayer materialized. it was more than I asked for and called for a sacrifice.
i still don't know if i have it in me to obey but i'm praying for the grace to obey. break me if it has to be done but the flesh is really rebelling against it.
now i'm in a position to give, more than a convenient prayer but really give till it hurts. but somehow, even though i know its going to wound my flesh, i'm inclined to that idea. let my spirit win this battle please.
i don't want to weigh the consequences or the options but if what i've 'earned' can be accrued to someone else, i just pray now that that recipient can see what Jesus earned for her.
oh, please pray for me. to have the heart to obey now that i've heard. its already so blessed to hear. maybe this will break my tendency to self-pity and whine when the going gets tough. it really takes the spotlight off me and i really truly get to go about my Father's business.
until i forget me, i never really remember Him.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
love isaac. i shrek.
got beautiful shrek ears today from macs, courtesy of isaac! it makes me love isaac more. not that i can be bribed...easily.
i guess i'm the kind of girl that if my bf bought me an expensive gift, i'll be like "AIYO WHY WASTE MONEY!?!?" coz im such a scrooge myself.but somehow if its an expensive MEAL, its ok.
dunno why but shrek made my day.i adore shrek and princess fiona. they're above all the fairy tale characters. they have a way of subverting culture and make us look up to ugly things instead of the usual pretty princesses and 'prince charmings'.
**
my mum went on one of her kl trips today. shez the only one i know who can make it to kl and back in the same day , courtesy of SIA. and because she is not staying overnight, she pretty much boards the plane with a handbag. i followed her once in recent years..and it pretty much was check in, board the plane, sit down, buckle, drink something, get down.
then i remember doing what we had to do, ate lunch, walked around, ate, hailed a cab and hailed a plane.
and my mum being the strange insists on sia coz another competitor airline's air is not clean and gives her a headache. i used to scoff at that until the aircon broke down on a flight back from australia last year and i fainted on board, waking up to an oxygen mask over my head and pple fanning me with all their might AND my legs propped up at 45 degrees to get the blood flowing..
and all this while, sia has not failed me once... i've lost count with delayed flights, bad food, bad service, dirty toilets, broken down inflight entertainment and AIRCONDITIONING on q***** .
i guess i'm the kind of girl that if my bf bought me an expensive gift, i'll be like "AIYO WHY WASTE MONEY!?!?" coz im such a scrooge myself.but somehow if its an expensive MEAL, its ok.
dunno why but shrek made my day.i adore shrek and princess fiona. they're above all the fairy tale characters. they have a way of subverting culture and make us look up to ugly things instead of the usual pretty princesses and 'prince charmings'.
**
my mum went on one of her kl trips today. shez the only one i know who can make it to kl and back in the same day , courtesy of SIA. and because she is not staying overnight, she pretty much boards the plane with a handbag. i followed her once in recent years..and it pretty much was check in, board the plane, sit down, buckle, drink something, get down.
then i remember doing what we had to do, ate lunch, walked around, ate, hailed a cab and hailed a plane.
and my mum being the strange insists on sia coz another competitor airline's air is not clean and gives her a headache. i used to scoff at that until the aircon broke down on a flight back from australia last year and i fainted on board, waking up to an oxygen mask over my head and pple fanning me with all their might AND my legs propped up at 45 degrees to get the blood flowing..
and all this while, sia has not failed me once... i've lost count with delayed flights, bad food, bad service, dirty toilets, broken down inflight entertainment and AIRCONDITIONING on q***** .
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
as the dear pants
Free by Corrine May
it's still the same old story
this great divide
between the want and waste
and all the hunger inside
i heard the news today
now i'm trying to find my place
i'm just a single voice
what can i do to erase
all this misunderstanding
all this anarchy
six degrees of separation
sometimes it's so hard to see
that we are not alone in this
i need to believe
i can be free
i can be free from this place
beautiful healer
beautiful grace
help me to see
everything fall into place
wake me from dreaming
no more deceiving
it's still the same old story
this great divide
between the want and waste
and all the hunger inside
i heard the news today
now i'm trying to find my place
i'm just a single voice
what can i do to erase
all this misunderstanding
all this anarchy
six degrees of separation
sometimes it's so hard to see
that we are not alone in this
i need to believe
i can be free
i can be free from this place
beautiful healer
beautiful grace
help me to see
everything fall into place
wake me from dreaming
no more deceiving
break these chains
Elijah felt alone too just because the numbers against God were alot less than those there were for. i feel alone for less noble reasons. discouragement weighs heavy and i don't know why..this haunting weight of inadequacy and that my crazy emotions are privy to me and me only.
i determined to be different from the start but not so different i have to feel so alone. although i did think to myself that even if ever the day comes whereby choosing right means being completely alone, i will. But i didn't expect the test to come in such a way that although choices have been made and things appear to be on the upward swing, the feeling of loneliness is just plain overwhelming.
what i cannot bear is not knowing. because i already have trust issues i need to hear His voice everyday. not that i don't know he is watching but because i just like the comfort of his presence. but these days, i'm back to the days whereby chaos permeated my heart and i can't hear the gentle whisper.there is only one voice i seek and i delve into semi panic mode, aggravating it all.
through it all, there can only be one who can lift me up. but before that, i have to lift my eyes to see Him in the midst of this inner storm. there is a hurricane within me and its throwing everything off balance. the only thing way to see in the darkness is through the eyes of my heart. illumine me..
i determined to be different from the start but not so different i have to feel so alone. although i did think to myself that even if ever the day comes whereby choosing right means being completely alone, i will. But i didn't expect the test to come in such a way that although choices have been made and things appear to be on the upward swing, the feeling of loneliness is just plain overwhelming.
what i cannot bear is not knowing. because i already have trust issues i need to hear His voice everyday. not that i don't know he is watching but because i just like the comfort of his presence. but these days, i'm back to the days whereby chaos permeated my heart and i can't hear the gentle whisper.there is only one voice i seek and i delve into semi panic mode, aggravating it all.
through it all, there can only be one who can lift me up. but before that, i have to lift my eyes to see Him in the midst of this inner storm. there is a hurricane within me and its throwing everything off balance. the only thing way to see in the darkness is through the eyes of my heart. illumine me..
thinking aloud.
sometimes i just wish everything will go easy and my way for once.i'm so not up to taking up challenges today.i feel like anything can break my spirit and i need to be upheld.i don't know how to pray, my defenses are down and i just want to hole up and cry.
i don't know why i must care abt every single detail and insist they go perfectly. i don't know why i have so many cares and am so neurotic. i don't know why. i'm almost ally mcbeal minus the fact that i'll never be a lawyer and i have more body fat.
can u tell im terribly frustrated with ME?
i just wanto let go but i don't know how. i don't know why im such a kancheong spider. i don't hate life. everyone has problems. i absolutely hate the way i manage it. i let life manage me instead of the other way round...no, wait, i shd let God manage me. i dun wanto manage anything without him and yet i wanto manage another's life.
i have serious trust issues. i cannot trust God when He says he'll do it. i'll wonder endlessly. if i was abraham, i wld've died of anxiety even before isaac came to pass.i'm so resistant towards failure im almost risk averse but i cannot resist when an opportunity comes so i take it still with great fear and trepidation and then entertain doubt on a regular basis.
i just want joy and peace in the abundance as it was promised. i just wanto be free and love, laugh, give freely. i want to be able to enjoy all i've been given and allow others to enjoy .
helpch.
i don't know why i must care abt every single detail and insist they go perfectly. i don't know why i have so many cares and am so neurotic. i don't know why. i'm almost ally mcbeal minus the fact that i'll never be a lawyer and i have more body fat.
can u tell im terribly frustrated with ME?
i just wanto let go but i don't know how. i don't know why im such a kancheong spider. i don't hate life. everyone has problems. i absolutely hate the way i manage it. i let life manage me instead of the other way round...no, wait, i shd let God manage me. i dun wanto manage anything without him and yet i wanto manage another's life.
i have serious trust issues. i cannot trust God when He says he'll do it. i'll wonder endlessly. if i was abraham, i wld've died of anxiety even before isaac came to pass.i'm so resistant towards failure im almost risk averse but i cannot resist when an opportunity comes so i take it still with great fear and trepidation and then entertain doubt on a regular basis.
i just want joy and peace in the abundance as it was promised. i just wanto be free and love, laugh, give freely. i want to be able to enjoy all i've been given and allow others to enjoy .
helpch.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
on my lord's shoulders
He hung,
rose
sat
so that
i may
sit
walk
soar
my fountain of delights
to do my Father's business
is the purpose for this life
to take the position
that was forfeited in Eden
redeemed at Calvary
to take back His kingdom's territory
to forego flesh and pride
and be clothed as His bride
with a banner of love
hanging over this earth
taking the path of resistance
against opposition and strife
the narrow way
is the only way to life.
i will abide.
rose
sat
so that
i may
sit
walk
soar
my fountain of delights
to do my Father's business
is the purpose for this life
to take the position
that was forfeited in Eden
redeemed at Calvary
to take back His kingdom's territory
to forego flesh and pride
and be clothed as His bride
with a banner of love
hanging over this earth
taking the path of resistance
against opposition and strife
the narrow way
is the only way to life.
i will abide.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
taunted
i get scared more often than i'd like to admit. i'm more gideon/moses (the stammering one, not prince of egypt) than david /joshua.
the only solace i have is that i always have someone to hold my hand and guide me. someone i can trust 200% although my faith levels often dip to sub zero levels.
these days i find myself assuaged with doubts and unbelief despite the many amazing developments. i wonder whether i'm on the right track coz its so impt for me to be right. i wonder abt the huge risk and countless ''what ifs''.
but today, knowing that i face these insecurities, a sweet lady of God texted me and told me that if i keep focusing on the 'what ifs' now, i'll only end up with regret at the end of the day with the '' if onlys''.
and suddenly my perspective is straightened again. to His.
the only solace i have is that i always have someone to hold my hand and guide me. someone i can trust 200% although my faith levels often dip to sub zero levels.
these days i find myself assuaged with doubts and unbelief despite the many amazing developments. i wonder whether i'm on the right track coz its so impt for me to be right. i wonder abt the huge risk and countless ''what ifs''.
but today, knowing that i face these insecurities, a sweet lady of God texted me and told me that if i keep focusing on the 'what ifs' now, i'll only end up with regret at the end of the day with the '' if onlys''.
and suddenly my perspective is straightened again. to His.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)