Walled up

It hasn't stopped raining in 3 days.

I appreciate the coolness and I think my air conditioners appreciate the break as well. They have been working hard for me.

I am devolving to more and more of a hermit and increasingly possessive of my personal time. I think the emptiness is my best friend. Feel so encroached on when his mum asked us to stay over. I was almost indignantly furious. To top it off, she gave me expired fishballs. And no, I'm not over the ONE tomato saga. I really feel so trapped and hounded. This has got to be one of the worst times of the year. I hate being the recipient of your leftovers and your annual fridge spring cleaning endeavours.

I feel this constant need to protect myself from the corrupt values surrounding me, I know what I'm vulnerable and susceptible and how fragile I really am. That's why I need to stay away from poisonous influences and stimuli like a hyperchondriac from germs.

Leave me alone.

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Consolation

Psalm 138:8

" The Lord will work out his plans for my life— for your faithful love, OLord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me."

See it at YouVersion.com:

http://bible.us/Ps138.8.NLT

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rested

We finally have a guest room! Sorta. He bought a really expensive bed so we can afford to have ONE guest. The church very often hosts visitors from overseas and it's been the same few people hosting for awhile. We still got quite a long way to go to clearing out my 'laundromat'. I have a disgusting amount of clothes and bags. Need to start giving them away. Some of them still have tags on them.

Despite the fairer weather and sightings of rainbows on the mood front, I still have some difficult valleys to sojourn through. Being alone is like a double edged sword. On one hand, it gives me room to sort out my thoughts and think. On the other, it makes me vulnerable and pre-dispositioned to my worst vice: thinking too much. I mull and I ponder and then it leads to worry without solutions or an anchored faith that 'it is well with my soul'.

My social calendar seems awfully maxed out and I cherish the times of solitude so badly. Yes, I do get many hours a day alone but those have to be spent with my mind on some basic chores and well...I don't even know what. I don't even know why I'm always invited to something. I guess that it is a good thing and it's also ok to turn some invites down. And these are good people. It's just that I don't know how to choose anymore and a part of me does want to go. I just end up super tired after and it messes up my delicate routine that I'm trying to establish after having a hey-wire one for so long.

God help me. I'm having a meeting with the GM after the 8th to discuss my role in the company. It may or may not work out. I have to agree with pay package and most importantly, the portfolio. Am done trying to be everything although part of me relishes running the show from behind the scenes. The temptation is so strong but I'm prepared to walk away from the table if it doesn't feel right. I'm not 22 anymore. My career ambitions have yet to abate and I know I'll be heading for another crash if I do what I always do. My first priority still needs to be my family. I don't know how it's all going to work out but He will sort it out.

:/

Had my first reunion dinner with my family today. Was a costly affair but I guess it was worth it. Been awhile and there wasn't a hint of any of the past turbulence in my relationship with my parents.

Isaac had a good chat with my straight-as-an-arrow brother. When we asked how was his Israel trip, his answer was a simple 'good'. When we asked what he saw, he went 'mountains and blah blah'. Hardly worth the 3k + the parents spent to send him there. And believe it or not, he didn't take a single picture! He didn't even bring his camera or took anything with his iphone. SIGH.

Was supposed to help and plan steamboat dinner for homegroup but it is starting to look like a logistical nightmare. Simon just invites and scaled it up without considering the details and now Joanne and I are flabbergasted that we have 20+ people and..no steamboat. She already ordered most of the raw stuff so we can't even cancel and switch to a restaurant instead. To top it off, we don't have enough tables and chairs! Oh well.

On another note, I'm still woozy. Nearly fell back when I stood up because I was so lightheaded. I wonder what's wrong. I was given a clean bill of health by the doctors but there are these persisting symptoms that suggest otherwise. I eat well, sleep (quite) well. And, inspite of the crazy incessant over-indulgence of food in HK AND BINTAN, I managed to lose weight. I suspected hyper-thyroidism but I'm apparently all clear in this area. But I'm not new to this. I've realized that in the past, the more I eat, the more weight I lose. It seems like my metabolism increases when I erm..exercise my jaw.

I am uber weird.

Redemption hill family

It's almost 1 am and the skies are crying.

For some reason, despite the inconvenience it causes, I very much prefer the rain to the scorching heat. Maybe I should even stock up on some rain boots and ponchos so I can go on with my daily activities unhindered. This weather is so much more romantic and it cheers me up so much more than cloudless days under the scorching sun.

My leave is coming to an end soon (if things go as planned) and I'll be starting a new chapter in my life. Excited yet apprehensive all at the same time. But leaving it in God's hands. Somehow, I'm not too worried anymore. This break has helped to clear my head and taught me to take life one step at a time. There will be enough grace for every moment, every trial.

Still feeling a tad seasick for the ferry ride back home from Bintan. I heard it'll take a week to subside. The waters were extremely choppy and we spent the entire hour playing charades. It was hilarious. I've really grown very close to this group. So close I'm a tad afraid that I'll have to leave them, that if anyone of them leaves, it'll break my heart. Every single one is so precious and it truly feels like family. I never thought it'd be possible to find such a strong brother/sisterhood in christ here on earth ever again but I did and I thank God for it.

We learnt alot about each other during the trip and everyone concurred that I'm a spoilt vampire in disguise. I shy away from the sun even though we were at a beautiful beach resort and am constantly wearing shades and piling on the SPF. I was also very 'blur' and excitable. Apparently, my team (which includes another MGS girl) would scream the loudest even though we came in last. It is kinda comical because we honestly didn't realize the other teams had beaten us to the games (charades etc) and we thought we were the first to get the answer!

So barely a day after the retreat, though physically exhausted, we were already planning a steamboat reunion at Si and Tarryn's place this friday. Unbelievable. We cannot seem to get enough of each other and whenever someone disappears for work/study commitments such as duty travel, their absence is so palpable.

God has really restored and placed the solitary in families. Now, we are arriving at the place whereby we share our vulnerable secrets, weal and woe. For eg, we all share Joanne's pain and always semi-jest about how it is our cell-group's goal to raise 200k to free her from her bond from a particular slave-driver employer. We missed Karen because she had to miss this trip for a good friend's wedding. We pain and agonize with Tarryn in her hour of affliction. We celebrate each other's victories and walk hand in hand in the dark valleys.

Something so beautiful is happening here and I'm so glad I'm part of it. So inspite of the fact that I'm so not a sun, sea and sand girl, I'm glad I went for the trip. And even if I do get freckles or whatever from the merciless sun, for once, it'll be worth it.

I do hope however that they'll consider shadier places for our next outing. Like Malacca..At least the food will be better.

Shumei even joked that I'm so spoilt that if we were to head along to Mongolia for our mission trip, I'd probably just fly in from some 1st tier city like Shanghai/beijing for the activities and then fly out the moment it's done. I beg to differ. I think with these people, I have learnt that it is quite ok to forego some comforts and I'm happy to be part of this journey. I want to be part of this. I've learnt so much from them, been so inspired by them, been so touched by their love. Now I just want to give back.

Thank you God for these folks. Bless them so much and may Your bonds of love bind us together always, no matter where we go.

Reflections from HK

The two escapades away from home were fruitful despite being very physically exhausting. Note to self: do not pack 2 trips within the same week.

HK: was an eye opener in many aspects. It was the first time Isaac came along with me and he thought it was a romantic city. I found it preposterous and threw out the thought with a scoff. HK is often generalized (and misunderstood) for being 'souless' with a self-centred populace. The city was also often crowded and noisy AND the air thick with smog. Hardly fits into anyone's notion of romantic. Except my strange boy.

But what is it that draws me back time after time? I don't think it's solely the cheap buys and savings. Somehow I'm in love with this city and everytime I head home to SG, I feel like my heart behind. There is something about the energy and vibrance of this city pulsating like the heartbeat of the city. There is loneliness in the eyes of commuters desperately shying away from any eye contact in this densely populated city. There are the very rich and the very poor, separated by a huge gulf. I could walk around aimlessly just watching the people. Like many other global cities, hurts and fatigue lie concealed underneath the veneer of the designer togs and shades.

I attempted to speak to an old lady sitting by the street corner in busy Mongkok with my broken cantonese. After our brief conversation, I headed off after passing her a $20 note but couldn't get the image of her out of my mind. How lonely, how sad the destitution. It's just not right. The throngs of people shuffling around in the designer togs and shopping bags while the poor sit below the poverty line in the corner of the dirty streets, in the cold. It's just not right that we are co-existing and turning a blind eye to the voiceless populace. It's just not right.

Perhaps I am too rich in my bank and too poor in my soul. Maybe it's not true giving until it hurts. Jesus gave all that He had. The $20 didn't even make a significant dip to my pocket. I can't help but remember the rich young ruler who was turned away by the Lord himself because he couldn't bring himself to part with his worldly comforts. Squatting there in the corner with the old lady for that brief moment made me almost embarassed. Of myself. Embarassed that I haven't shared lavishly what I've been given so richly. Embarassed of the poverty in my own soul that manifests in whining and self-pity when things don't go my way. Embarassed at my laments that I can't afford certain luxuries.

Change me Lord.

Help me to love, like You do. Help me to abandon my attachment to worldly things and truly ''seek Ye first, Your righteousness'. Help me to all that you want me to be to the lost, the poor, the Jesusless.

How now?

I got two job offers without sending my resume out. (no, not insurance or banking sales)

Now..now. how?

How true

Psalm 39:6

" We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it."

See it at YouVersion.com:

http://bible.us/Ps39.6.NLT

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hubs is sick.

Isaac caught some flu bug 2 days ago. Apart from the sniffles, I'm still holding out. His fever has receded and then came back with a vengeance. 2 visits to the doctor later we emerged from the clinic with 'upgraded' antibiotics.

The poor boy has been in agony. He sleeps most of the time and I cancelled most of my appointments to be at home to serve and nurse him. He hasn't been this sick for quite awhile. Come to think of it, he hasn't really had a flu since he started consuming the crazily expensive cordyceps everday.

It's a little odd that the tables are turned. Usually I'm the one in bed not being able to breathe and feverish. It's actually quite nice (in a weird way) to be the one serving and nursing. While I fully empathize with his pain, it's quite 'refereshing' (if I may use the word) to have him at my mercy and talk less. On my end, I am more obliging and is busy whipping up healthy porridges infused with every available flu-fighting nutrition.

I may have to cancel and bail out of the wedding after all and serve my notice with an ang pow instead. Friend wouldn't be pleased but I doubt my absence will be noticed. It wouldn't be right at all to leave a man who is my covenanted husband at home alone when he is debilitated and weak from almost 39 degrees fever. I'd just feel safer being around checking on his temp, sponging him every now and then, feeding him and making sure he gets enough fluids etc.

Broken wings

My achilles heel: getting too self-absorbed.

When it rains just as I step out of the house, I think all about my inconvenience and how it must always rain on my parade. I get frustrated. It does not occus that everyone else , under this same piece of the stormy sky is also inconvenienced.

Life cannot be rich when it's all about self. I introspectively examine my failures and focus so much I forget that the earth is still rotating on the same axis and that Jesus is still coming back.

I realized everytime I board a plane headed to somewhere, I somehow never fail to get surprised when the plane lands in another destination. I never fail to marvel that a single tubular vessel can defy gravity and take me away from home. But I was born to travel, to find romance roaming alone through streets with the Lord. In my apparent solitude, I feel peace and appreciate His sweet company. I can afford to get lost. Unlike life now.

I am always in a hurry to go somewhere but am always a crying mess when I have to say goodbye at the airport. Isn't it so strange that I'm fiercely independent and yet my heart clings to so much at home.

I have my best moments on the plane. I watch all the movies I don't get to watch and because I can't work, I am 'forced' to make myself comfortable (no matter how cramped the seat is) , recreate and talk to God. Many of the times I hear His whisper most clearly, it is on a flight. I am more tolerant of discomfort in the air. I don't know if this enhanced closeness to God has anything to do with the fact that I'm in the clouds.

Was born with wings but now they're broken.

Isaiah 40: 3
...they shall mount up with wings like eagles...

Loopy thoughts

I cannot be anyone else. I was made to only be me.

The real trouble now (to everyone else), is that being me is a menace on many fronts.

"Call me a miscreation, I'm a walking celebration"
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Ready to start anew?

I think I stepped too hard on the brakes.

Now I'm thrown back, hard and I don't know how to proceed. I'm scared to start and go again but I can't sit here strapped (and trapped).

I struggle like a cold-turkey junkie to resist the urge to check my mails. When I occasionally do and see it load like flies descending on decay in my inbox, my pulse speeds up and I feel like I need to run.

At this rate, I might morph and devolve into a korean-movie, chinese song KTV regular. They are both sappy and slow enough for me.

It's 2011.

It's been more than a decade since I thought robots would come and rule the world in 2000, amongst many other things.

I am stumped and want to leave this land.

Compassion

John 11:33

"When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled."

See it at YouVersion.com:

http://bible.us/John11.33.ESV

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