different voices

it may be a dog eat dog world that i live in but as i'm not a dog while you have chosen to be, i survive, you lose.

i don't know why but God decided to wash me so clean with His precious blood so that His spirit can live inside me. so by virtue of that, i mercifully undeservingly triumph while the daggers you aim so hard at my back turns around to stab you in the forehead. wish i could help. but i always slept during first aid class. sorry.

its ok. i'm here by the grace of God anyway. without it, i'd have fared worse than you. i might not have resorted to daggers but the very least, because of my limited resources, plastic knives. but its nice of you to perceive me as a threat. i'm very flattered.

**
thank You Jesus for saving me once again.vindicating me. when i'm utterly defenceless.having You is the best thing in my life. i'm more covered than all insurance policies put together and more.

**
yesterday i relished the feeling of feeling so undoubtedly accepted and welcomed. i like feeling welcomed but sometimes people only welcome because they're obliged to. only one person has ever truly made me feel like that.and He is the King of Kings, the lord of Hosts.

**
on a sadder note, i don't know how to respect you anymore my sad ex friend. you've been reduced to a spiritless shell. i can't say more. i offer my deepest condelences for your spirit and soul. i've hoped against hope for your turnaround but now you've stooped to a new low. you prize money more than people and use people instead of money.the very least i hope of you now is that you leave those i love alone.

**
welcome back!to you from switzerland and to you from london!

**

the release of angst.

i don't wanto sit on the pedastal you put me on.
i don' t belong into that category and prototype you put me in.
i am not a kind, a type, but a unique combination of different characteristics.
i am a personality on my own, one without form that will never fit into the categories you create in your mind.
i am human with failings and endless flaws. but you never fail to blind yourself to my faults and refuse to come to terms with my humanity.
i am not strong but you refuse to allow me to be weak.

i guess u've never known me. as i've never known you.
i am here. now you come out from behind those masks you hide behind.

piercing cutting questions

" why don't you trust me ?"
"do you love me?"
"why is your heart set for rebellion?"


i have no answers.

waiting

the past week has been nothing short of dramatic and crazy. at work and in my personal life. so much unraveled and although certain things seemed to have worked out in my interest, i can't celebrate it.

i wish i could just run away again and have a quiet moment with God until i know eactly whats happening and how exactly to proceed. it seems so obscure and vague but i have no choice to grope around in the dark. i only hope that at the end of the fog i'll reach the light but i don't have too much faith myself.

i just wanto breakthrough so badly and see light. but i perceive that God is trying to make me concious of the light within me instead of trying so hard to be illuminated externally. its more difficult looking within when our five senses are all geared to observe the external. help me concentrate and redirect my focus pls then father.

on a sorta nicer note, my faithful pea/corn eating friend is back from melbourne! and she got me all excited on her arrival only to disappoint me that shez heading for london AND hk and God knows when we'll meet again...im praying soon.and she brought me THE shampoo !lest i refuse to bathe...

i've been feeling pretty lonely with all my few confidantes being so out of reach. distance and conflicting schedules seem to be the order of the day and i just hate this forced isolation. because i'm craving some empathy (note: not sympathy), a listening ear, a shoulder and just some love over toffee nut latte(at least starbucks is offering their cuppa comfort)

come back soon my friends.

i'm waiting for you to have time. and finish your work. to go starbucking.so that i can empty my heart because u never judge and i can share the exciting developments in your life.
i'm waiting for you to come back from switzerland and catch the corrine may concert with me. and make sense of this madness in me.and eat and eat with me. you're the only one who doesn't make me feel like a glutton.
i'm waiting for you to come back from zhong guo.so that we can go for teh and buffets with the friend who doesn't pick up her phone.
i'm waiting for you to PICK UP UR PHONE. so that we can go for teh and buffets with the friend who is in zhong guo.
i'm waiting for you to come back and fly off with me to hk phuket or whereever.and laugh with me and roll your eyes when i cry over just abt anything.
i'm waiting for you to make a decision.
above all,

i know i've been impatient but i'm waiting for you God. because u seem to move too slowly and i can't seem to hurry you. but i know ...i know that you've been waiting for me to slow down, to be still, to trust, to give up, to yield, to love. and u've been waiting from the beginning and sadly,the wait has not ended.

hurry up you all.

on another fragmented note, i really want my own business. my own line of something.incase theres a sponsor reading.

i am on MC.

Song of Solomon 8:7
Many waters cannot quench love,
nor can the floods drown it
if a man would give for love
all the wealth of his house,
it would be utterly despised.

being on MC means that even though i'm flat on my back and my head is heavy and groggy and i'm miserable and swimming in a pool of self pity, God's word can find entrance to my heart and reside in there. (at least for the length of the MC). He'll really do anything at all to get to me. hallehlujah!

with regards to the above verse, issn't it so romantic?possibly the kind of romance every girl (and though they refuse to admit, men) craves for. i'm not truly satisfied with life albeit truly saved by the blood of Christ. i need to rediscover satisfaction and flood the empty places of my being with the truths of Christ.

"all the wealth of his house , it would be utterly despised''. wah raos. if this is referring to all the wealth of His house upstairs, then its beyond imagination .. now i know why they say love surpasses all understanding. its simply unfathomable.

i was very upset today coz no one was available for me to emotionally leech on to. despite being sick plus a whole list of other negative attributes. and returning from the doctor with a prognosis that lies along the line that i haven't been taking good care to i am as good as trying to kill myself makes me feel even worse. i already look like shit. now the great plan to make me feel like shit as well is 90% achieved.

everytime soemthing like that happens and i panic before i spiral down into something even darker, i am thankful there are still nooks and crannies for God to weave/squeeze through to reach me. to comfort me, to assuage, and affirm me. i don't feel like the best in the land still and when i stare into the mirror, i have all the unbelief in the world believing i'm the beautifullest. but i delight in the fact that the love is inspite of that. this is new to me. at least i've not known so for a long long time. i haven't been experiencing evidences of His love interms of lavish obvious blessings and because that was what i was accustomed to, i was blind to acts of love that include gentle dicipline and chastisement, acts of grace and mercy etc. but its ok!coz now i see!

i wish i could be on mc forever. (choy!) if it leads to such an euphoric epiphany everytime.actually i just need to be more diciplined in seeking Him and building my relationship with Him instead of having to wait till im flat on my back and miserable. work can wait. you can wait. everything actually. its time to let the one whos been most patient with me stop waiting.

on another note, i found this quite funny because of the obvious parallels.

friend to man: my wife is a great cook.
man (thinking abt lousy cook wife) : my cook is a great wife.

so in love are we two....

girl: am i the greatest love of your life?
boy:yah definitely
girl: -eyes lighting up- in what way?
boy: greatest in annoyance lor..

rebel in retirement.

it takes a lot for me to obey God especially when His will goes against my fleshly will.

i find it extremely difficult to surrender anything dear to me even when i know its not good for me. i've been a rebel for too long ..way too long. therefore when i finally do surrender and give up anything, i'm hanging my head low in humility and it simply translates to 'God you know better, you have my best interests at heart, i choose to trust you'. its a big deal..at least for me.

i don't trust Him.i can be honest about that. but i'll choose to. the fear of uncertainty is too much for me to simply trust anybody. including God.but i'll go ahead inspite of. coz i have nothing left to lose.

for those (or most) who already know, i'll fight tooth and nail for what i want. and i'll also fight tooth and nail to resist what i don't want. from digging my nose, snorting and faking burps infront of relatives to the chagrin (and embarassment) of my parents simply as an act of defiance for them forcing me to be there with relatives i don't like to locking myself up in my room, staging my own hunger strikes.

i used to quip often that my teenage years were fraught with acts of rebellion. i'm not sure if i've stopped entirely. all i know is that my parents of all people know they can't force me to anything. but God will not back down like my parents...and in a way, i'm thankful. He'll persist as well till He has his way with me. or rather..till i break down in utter defeat from my wrestle with the most High and let Him carry me gently on His shoulders into a land of healing and plenty.

so last night i remembered the time(s) ( so few) that i acted in obedience simply exhausted from struggling with Him. and on hindsight, i saw the wisdom of His plan and the goodness and love behind those intentions. the end from which i was spared and the future which i was promised.

my offering to God today is nothing more than my heart. i cannot pledge to Him that i'll always be faithful, true and kind. infact, i can pledge the exact opposite that there'll be moments of doubt, unbelief and worldly desires. but this moment, i really wanto throw myself at Him without abandon and just let Him have His way. i cannot guarantee that i won't mumble and grumble if He leads me through the wilderness but whatever it is, the same perserverance i had in me to rebel and fight for what i want, i wanto let all i want be Him and His will be done and channel my perserverance towards these things.

buy me a bucket of time

what really warmed my heart on this cold cold saturday is the sighting of an elderly couple in clementi holding hands..testament to what is possibly an age old romance and an ageless love.

i'm in a wistful soulful mood right now. imagining soulflakes falling outside my window and pretending its really cold. its one of those almost christmas nights that sets me thinking because the year is drawing to a close.

i am very concious of time passing. and one of my perennial fears is that i won't have enough time to accomplish all that i've set out to do. and be all that i've been made to be. i might be a child of eternity but time on earth is truly limited. we have timelines to meet , growth to achieve in every single area, so much to prepare..before we're called up to heaven.

this week my emotions have been tossed up and down like a boat on choppy waters. work has contributed its fair share..and when i was about to just sink into lamentation about the evil of life, i realised one of bestest friends have cancer. i'd like to be full of faith to encourage her but that moment when the news was broke, i felt like my whole world crashed on me because i could not entertain the thought of this world without her coz to many others, including me, i felt like she was always the bright spark in any dark situation. and darkness has chosen to descend on her. but praise to our God, because where darkness abounds, His light much more abounds.

i cannot imagine how much worse she must feel and how strong she really must be to stay the course and keep the faith. its a great battle indeed. isaac was just telling me how all of creation is a reflection of the spiritual war taking place unbeknownst to the naked eye. how a beautiful plant has to produce fruit inspite of ants and other pests trying to sap it of its life. life itself is truly amazing. true zoe life can truly produce inspite of the circumstances. i only wish i had that.
somehow i see how depleted i am in the midst of difficulty. while others glory and shine even more because of God's glory in them, i seem to falter and succumb to the pressure on the outside.

its a long long journey but i have a longsuffering and patient God.

my favourite boy

it's a lot of hardwork to get children to smile at the camera

some fruit

this is as good as it gets. i give up.

but you still make me smile la. and laugh. thank you for such a wonderful weekend and such a wonderful life ahead.

i cannot be happier. love you!

these dreams-heart

"these dreams go on when i close my eyes
every second of the night i live another life
these dreams go on when its cold outside
every moment i'm awake, the further i'm away"

Always on your side-Sheryl Crow with STING!!

i love this. i love her lah. and i love sting even more lah

my yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
but every now and then you come to mind
cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
but when your name is called, you find a place to hide
when you knew that i was always on your side

well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
my demons and my angels reappeared
leave only traces of the man you thought i'd be
too afraid to hear the words i always feared
leaving you with only questions all these years

is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
easy to start over, with the ones you hold so dear
or are you left to wonder, all alone eternally
this isn't how its meant to be
no it isn't really how its meant to be

well they say love is in the air, but never is it clear
how to pull it close and make it stay
butterflies are free to fly and so they fly away
and i'm left to carry on and wonder why

even through it all, i'm always on your side..

was it you that kept me wondering through this life
when you know that i was always on your side.

**
at least i know that i always have You and you on my side. and pls let all the butterflies fly away.

when i am not God...

i have been feeling deep feelings from the throes of my being of anger and resentment. and its manifesting in my lost temper which resulted in several casualties. everytime typhoon (insert name) strikes, i end up on destructive mode, posing a danger to myself and the ones around me.

i've been angry at the double standards posed at work. the injustice due to the boss listening to a liar who has been poisoning what is otherwise a sweet nice little community. a little leaven makes the dough rise. now the entire bread is almost full blown and still nothing is done about it. i can't call this righteous indignation but i feel so much for the people who have been unjustly bullied. even though they were never quite my friends.

on the brighter side (somewhat) God has been showing me alot of verses about this situation. shedding even more light but nothing about what He is going to do about it or what He wants me to do about it. and because of that, i'm doubly frustrated. coz i wanto do something. i wanto execute justice on His behalf and be His little representative wielding His righteous sword. unfortunately, He hazznt quite called my name. so i am to remain low key and in the position of trust and worship in the midst of the confusion and hurricane. i don't know what Hez doing. it seems to be nothing but deep deep down, in the lamb mind and heart, i know that as long as He knows (which He does) , together with my intercession , it is enough for Him to move His hand or speak for my situation.

in the meantime, i will watch my fingernails grow and cultivate patience in the meantime as i struggle to sit on myself to restrain myself from moving ahead of God.

Q & A session

why i don't like the word 'intoxicated'..

even though it means more than inebriated. even though its synonymous with getting lost in, enamoured etc..it just sounds toxic. and toxic is not good. toxic is too often paired up with toxic waste and the first image that comes to mind is fish floating on top of the water.

why i don't like to eat broccoli...
it reminds me too much of a tree.

why i don't like dory fish...
it has no character. its pretentious.too soft and mushy to be a bona fide fish. its characterless and seems like its trying too hard to be a fish.

(i think salted vegetables though..got a lot of character. dear dory shd take a leaf from kiam chye's books and learn!)

why i drink evian...
it is not just water. i swear its sweeter. but no one believes me.

why i drink pokka green tea...(only)
i swear its nicer. sweeter etc. even though no one believes me.

why i favour chicken breast over thigh and wing...
the other two are over rated. chicken breast has the toughness (no pun intended) of a man and it absorbs flavour better and tenderizes more easily like a woman. not that i like androgynous things.

why i don't eat carrots...
orange is so not a plant color. green is. yes, i'm a vegetable racist.

why i drink carrot juice...
because after juicing it, i no longer remember that it used to be a carrot.

why i don't like peas..
peas..are just such losers in the vegetable kingdom. and the colour is so even and rich its almost artificial.i applaud and exalt food with dignity character and identity!

why i think the way that i do...
God fearfully and wondefully created me when i was in my mother's womb. he just wired me up differently thats all.



why are you still reading this?