only hope

after feeling like i've been dangled from a cliff, i'm extremely grateful for the peace and calmness although i still shudder to think about the harrowing almost-ruined-it experience.

nothing much changes. i mess up. He cleans up. patches up.

so graced. phew

but what enthralls me the mostest is how i felt His presence so strongly at the onset of every 'catastrophe' whether xinying-made or otherwise. how He rushes in to just let me know when my soul cannot detect anything at all in the spiritual realm and my mind is oblivious to the truths that don't fade nor die. the physical presence of the Lord..it does wonders. He rushes in to be there for me when i don't even have it in me to utter a prayer.

had a good time overall with jon coming down to humble nus to visit us. was more than happy even though fatigue was fast sapping up my strength. and of coz, although i've been absolutely intentionally negligent with the ongoings of many lives that used to be integral to my own, i found out alot in such a short catch up session..

whatever the case, it always leads me to put my own life back under the microscope. but sometimes i put it under the wrong microscope and end up magnifying the tiniest lack. its horrible but i'm promptly reminded that i'm blessed beyond the curse and thats all i need to know. zac's ex classmate who had a wonderful promising future (apparently) who seemed to had it all had his life abruptly terminated by what seems to be asthma although he was fit as a fiddle. and couldnt possibly have had asthma. well, not trying to ride on his terrible misfortune to make myself feel blessed. i don't need that. but it breaks my heart and it really drives the truth that i'm truly truly blessed and i truly truly can afford to let go of everything and not worry abt anything simply because of the cross and how it avails even 2005 years later. its effects will last thru all eternity.

and today at 1 am the revelation of eternity struck me. that it really never ends and really does go on forrrrrrrrever. ok go ahead and rolll your eyes. Jesus has more grace for my overwhelming limitations in all aspects. hmph!

and esp for the past few days, everything that i so desired in the past few days and hence have stashed to the back of my mind keeps popping up in my spirit, and in sermons on cds, people etc etc. He is trying to drive home the message that its goin to happen better that what i could possibly dream of. that my dreams need not be aborted. that its not just a fantasy.

Jesus darzen just grant dreams , He grants fantasies. even when they're way out of my world. like how i can't even sniff them because i'm simply not in the right league.

oh God, why me? but i really appreciate His choice of blessing targets. i don't think i can ever answer this why me question but i'll just accept it nonetheless. so thankful so thankful. so much has arrived in this past few weeks from heaven and so much more is in store. its the best year i lived ever and its only jan.

i wish i could say more. but for now, "thank you" is all i can muster.


There for me the Savior stands
Shows His wounds and spreads His hands
Face to face before the Son
And like Isaiah, I’m undone