broken

i like to be read. not in the sense that you read my blog and i feel like endorphins are coursing through my veins.

i like it when my sentences can be finished, my reactions can be anticipated etc. i like it that someone knows me so well , it makes me feel less lone in this world.

**
things have changed.
previously when i get a new diary organizer, i first mark down all the birthdays i possibly remember. now, ijust mark down deadlines and various other schedules.

this year, the diary is filling up faster than i expected. everything at once.

**
i don't like to come undone in public and i thought i was holding up quite well. until your searing hands cradled my head. then my tears gushed own my face like a dam breaking. the release of emotions was liberating. but i don't know what i'm crying for. except that maybe You know my struggles. You know it all and that itself was very comforting alone already.

i suck at trying to be strong. and any front to be superwoman is a terrible disguise. i can do a lot less than i think i can and i am a lot less infact that all you all think i am. i don't cope well knowing i'm far away and connected only by a phone line, even though thankfully, i've been in the same timezone.

i don't cope well when i can't figure out how and when in life, work etc. i don't. and in those moments, i need your invisible but tangible presence to just help me take stock of things and hold me. to tell me that i'm not in charge, but You. to tell me that You are here when family and familiarity is miles away.

i'm still trapped within my youth and grandiose but unrealistic dreams to maximize my 20s but thinking that if i run at the speed of a bullet train and try as much as i can, i can sleep at night, and on my last day on earth with no regrets. but i still can't. i've gathered so much on my plate in the buffet of life and now i don't know what to do. at all. i'm vulnerable against the attacks of 'what ifs' and daunting thoughts that i might actuallybe the one to ruin it all.

you know thisis my crisis of confusion and i need you to help me sieve out the chaff and set my path straight again. all i want to do is hole up in bed and yet sleep is elusive and disturbed.

something happened to me somewhere along the way. i can't find me and i need you to help.

i like the now so much. thank you

these unfamiliar plains
these clouds thunder and rain
how did i arrive
They say I've been here before
Well, the landscape must have changed

Nothing is familiar
Nothing is clear
Nothing struck a chord
Nothing
they called it amnesia

I don't see my footprints
as i walked on the grey sand
But I see plenty others
From size five to size nine
many have been here
but where were mine

i wonder where they have gone
i wonder who they are

Then I saw a little hill in the horizon
And I inched forward in curiosity
Stumbling I fell face forward
face to face with a cold stone
a reminder
that it was here i was left alone

there, my epitaph coldly proclaimed
'The girl I saw today: 2000-2003'
spelling my brief existence
only the years and not the months
Because I had several resurrections
before you laid me to eternal rest
leaving me to seek my best

i scanned the rest of the grey
and there were no other tombs
where did the others go
perhaps over that cliff
and dived into the snow

i wonder how long i laid in that shallow grave
before the stone rolled away
sheer trauma and fear
that tried and tested my faith

I woke up from that dream
With a heartache so salient
My chest tightened , persperation dotted my brow
Until Your peace swept me to the present

I was on another plain
A large vast expanse
this is home
the running brooks of water so divine
that quenched a thirst so deep
every thing, was alive and mine
life was bursting out of my every breath
unlike the other, there was no sign of death

I'm so glad to be home
And I'll never leave
I was clothed with love
housed with peace and joy
I transcended from death to life
There were my favorite fruit trees and a happy golden retriever
Among a few of my favorite things
Then I saw the favorite persons
My covenant partner
my darling laughter
my heart corded to his with love
And beside him, my Savior and Master
the author of the impossible


Phew

miserable

am miserable. both physically and emotionally.

am down with a cold and the medicine i ingest seem to be pure poison making me woozy and barely providing enough relief for the persistent symptoms that compound my discomfort in my soul.

am miserable emotionally because i feel lost.

i just want to go so far away so i don't have to think about the 'to do ' list that i've penned out. i just want my mind to come to a complete stand still for a good hour. and my heart to stop its ridiculous palpitations, like an alarm ready to go off.

it's not excitement but dread. and i don't know how to step out of this rut.i need a fresh breath and somethingnew to smile about. i don't like what it has become.

a mid level leap into the air
left me on my bum in the valley of where
my bearings are incomposite
this doesn't look like my destination
what happened

i looked around the bare
and i saw you in the darkness
the light beckoning me
i stepped into the elevator called 'waiting'
and pushed the button called 'patience'
this must be it!
i beamed excitedly waiting
for the doors to open
to a brand new beginning

minutes passed, and then hours
the door did not open
i stomped about the 1 metre square
i felt abandoned,
''you didn't care''

the minutes ticked by
the pressure made me sick
i had to swallow for my ears to pop
but still all was silent

and then suddenly the doors flew open
like the gates of heaven
my eyes blinked at the light
piercing my vision and illuminating my darkness
and there you were
with a table and spread
saying, the wait is over.

i wish i didn't sit by grumbling
i wish i didn't stomp around the 1 metre square
i wish i made it my prayer closet
patiently abiding
trusting

but the moment would not return
the elevator defies gravity
and wouldn't head down to where
now that i'm there

fragments

i've left you my blog to collect dust as i hurry through life shuttling around, climbing up the slopes of mid levels and scouring cheung sha wan for no 777, a building at the end of the road, a very long road, a foregone conclusion that should have arrived much earlier so that we could rest our tired bodies, minds and souls.
**
I don't want to drive people to green envy with the opulence of the chandeliers and the visual spectacle of the assembly of accessories.I want to drive people to jesus as they witness the goodness and works of God in our lives.Above all, he must not just be the planner but be the guest. The vip guest.Up to this point, I often find myself dumbfounded as to what I want for my wedding. Ie, what dress, what jewellery, what theme etc.I had no clue. Until now.

But what I truly want is intangible, felt and not seen. Experienced. I don't just want my guests walking away enjoying themselves. If the core of their being is touched by the greatest love in the world, if they walk away witha deposit of my lovely lord jesus christ, I've had my perfect wedding.

There have been so many offers to help with the sourcing of various wedding stuff. I truly appreciate that but what I seriously covet is your prayers that isaac and I will have grace for a lifetime together, walking thru the mountains and valleys together with His peace and joy. That there will be forbearance and grace for each othes shortcomings and love to build each other up and a warm home of comfort to come home to every night as we sojourn thru a world that is not our home.

yay. no more air kisses over the phone at 11pm. real ones from 7pm onwards!everyday!
**
i want to relinquish ownership to you all over again, now that i don't have the slightest clue where all is heading. maybe i do have a clue but its not clear enough and the signal is weak. i want you to own fully so that i know i'm in good hands. i turn and surrender those areas of my heart to you so you can inhabit them. here is your latest new home to add to your collection Jesus. Have a happy stay.

**
i've been reading obsessively a book i cannot recommend. i've been reading it while trying to find a footingin that crowded moving tube they call public transport which barely transports you from point a to point b alive.

i've been skipping tv and many other things to finish the book and 600 pages or so later, i'm done.

this book has cost me 170 hkd. and i nearly missed my flight as a result. for the first time in my life, i was the last person to board the plane and heard my name announced. because i was trying to pay for the book and get to the cashier.

and speaking of which, i'm glad it'll be awhile before i board the plane again. how long exactly i'm not sure. because i'm sick of plane food when i used to be intrigued by the little sets and how tidily they were lined up. (familiarity breeds contempt) and i came face to face with the reality that i was away from home too much (at least in my own estimation) when i watched almost everything thatcould remotely interest me on krisflyer. they didnt even have time to change the schedule before i boarded the next flight. so that's why it brings me back to my semi original point-i had to have thebook or be bored.

**
a lot of you know the artefacts of the past in my museum. some are worth some money and im putting them up for sale. because that night, it came back to haunt me. so the next day i rushed to the cupboard that housed the memories to take them out. to put them outside, in the hope that it'll keep the sting away. and the memories will be detached from the present , and leave the present and future untainted and clean.

to my amazement, they had not a mite or dust on them. never mind, they're still going on ebay. i hope i'm not cheapening it by auctioning it online. because i know i really am saying that the memories aren't worth that much that i'd trade them in for money. well, they contributed to who i am today but i wouldn't want to keep them, an emblem of disappointments, hurts, spite and also forgiveness.

here comes the bride

there are many ridiculously tiny skinny brides whose gowns i can't fit.

mei ling was very worried (for herself) when she couldn't zip me up. but don't worry, i'm still eating healthily.

had two voices and sometimes three voices debating which dress i shd pick and wear. at the end , aftr 3 hrs, we finally reached consensus and i was so relieved. and i actually really like it too! thanks =)

my friends and mum also found out to their horror how obiang isaacs taste was. we can't quite decide if it was pure bad taste or if he just wants to uglify me so that no one will ever want me but him.

in mei ling's words, he always pick out the ugliest in the rack/page. this comment does wonders for my self esteem. i wonder ifhis bad taste brought him to me....

but lah dee dah. i'm happy. except that i tried on so many i can't quite remember what the selected looks like.

and bumped into the owner joey and chris. who completely didn't recognize me. she called me up later to say that she told her staff to alert her when i arrive and they didn't. shez the sweetest, alwaysthrowing in free things for us and we really feel an affinity with her.

we arranged to meet up the next time i swing by. in the meantime, the photoshoots set for 6 june.

here comes the bride!*skips and twirls! and lands on the ground gracefully*

china in brief

last night dinner in beijing

hoi leong, shuxin,me, eve
our service apt in beijing.
with our own walk in wardrobe!which we had nothing to put in.
but unfortunatelywe had to share a bed.(in shanghai i had my own room!)
ma la (hot pot something) which made most sweat but i emerged somewhat chilli champion.
birds nest olympic stadium
in the bus

shuxin with eggy. (it was smiling. two eyes and a smile.)
at shenzhen
raffles city shanghai
xin tian di shanghai
mean chilli basket with prawns somewherebelow. at the corner, quite potent 'huang jiu'

huayu cool

http://www.spring.gov.sg/Content/ModulePage.aspx?group=nw&id=b9870dee-12e6-4c6e-906a-27caf8c41655

that was what me and shuxin were involved in for the past 4 days.

punishing schedules, little sleep and basically being teleported from city to city. but overall, despite the fatigue and language handicap, we thoroughly enjoyed it and learnt a great deal from it.

they fed us non stop but i still lost weight. it was the walking, the lack of sleep and my sheer fussiness that kept me from partaking from china's delicacies.

we went from meeting to presentation to mall tours all covering 3 cities within a span of 3 days. delays in flights were occupied by blackberrying and stoning. occasionally, we entertained ourselves with our strange sense of humour that really really if exhibited, truly discredits us.

for eg, while waiting for the luggage to appear on the conveyor belt,

xin1:do you want to know how a sushi feels?
xin2:?
xin1: jump on the conveyor belt lor.

among other things.

i was also very embarassed by our language handicap but mostly shuxin's. we had so much trouble communicating to anyone. was talking to this chinese owner of a fashion chain and then he asked me to speak in mandarin..to which i replied 'i am huayuing!'

and then there was shuxin shopping and when she wanted to tell the sales asst 'let me think about it first', she went 'rang wo zi wo xiang xiang' (translated: let me own self think think)

and then while checking in for a domestic flight, i was told that if iw ant the aisle seat, i should inform the attendant that iwant a 'corridor seat' as they don't quite understand what's aisle. so i did so obediently only to realize that she didn't understand. so i raised my volume (as if that really helps but itend to do it alot when people dont understand and speak really slowly)

me:"IIIII WAAAANTTT A COOOOREEEEY DOOORRR SEAAATT"
her: huh??ting bu dong!
me:CORREE DOORRR
her:??
me: zai zou de pang ban (literal translaton: beside the walk)
her: oh...aisle seat.
me-embarassed-

we were treated like vips as we were shuffled from place to place, given the best food and put up in quite luxurious settings (at least for local standards). i also find it such an irony that poor and rich call the same street home. on one hand you see people shopping their socks off and two minutes later, you see someone picking trash from the bins.

also because we were considered to be quite vipish, which i totally dont understand why, i had people escorting me to the toilet and like really going all out of the way to treat me like a king, sans the red carpet and taking a lot of 'paparazzi shots'. its really like this:walk walk walk, snap snap snap.

only that sometimes, i'm like walk yawn scratch nose, snap snap snap.

gulp.

overall, i'm amazed at china and what it has become since the last time i saw it. my only regret for this trip is that i did not get to see tiananmen. in light of the debacle with tibet, i thought about the heavy persecution of MY brethren.

so a day before the trip while packing, i realized that a green jacket i am bringing is very 'maoish' and entertained thoughts of standing outside tiananmen and crying out 'let my people go'. to which meiling replied that the authorities might even be more convinced about incarcerating and containing religious fanaticism.

i also met alot of people whom i otherwise would never have if not for the trip. am so thankful for the company and just the crash course of china. yes, 4 days just went by and here i am back again before hong kong beckons in 2 weeks.

i even got recruited to join the fuqing association (my dialect grp which is uber rare with only 4000 of us ) in singapore because the treasurer happened to be on the trip. hurhur. i know not a word about my dialect sadfully but was told that the premises that the association occupies is worth alot. someone even advised thati shd probably join because as the youngest and theonly rep in my generation, if en bloc ah, i get alot of money.

want to go back to beijing. tiananmen.

selah.

the genie coefficient

Dior poisons me with the high lead content
Hugo captivates me and I sniff around to catch a whiff
Ferragamo tempts me and makes me feel like a pauper

then i walk down the street and order a $6 cake and a $6 coffee.
then i realize the $12 for my tea feeds a family of 3,
living in a one room HDB
for 2 whole meals

then i hear the cry of the poor as i march down the streets of 'too much',
muffled by the bustle of the city.
their demeanor considered unsightly
so they are sidelined, marginalised by society.
their poverty is camouflage to the slums of our minds
and a helping hand is a hard, rare find.

their welfare is nobody's business,
afterall, we're still reeling from a sub prime crisis.
our problems are too big, they won't understand.
if this doesn't go well,
we can't even sustain our chanels.

so we turn a deaf ear and a blind eye,
to their not so silent cry.
we sear our conscience to fend for our comfort,
and add mercilessly to their hurt.
we cry over our korean DVDS
fly out of our geographical boundary to to lend aid
all the while, oblivious to the 3rd world in our very own city state.

we who are rich are truly poverty stricken
eaten by a disease called 'selfish'.
'every man for himself' rules our hearts,
yet we cry out 'one people, one nation, one singapore'
with a merlion's roar.

'no man is an island' applies
but i've learnt that membership to the 'island' is $200k annually.
this island doesn't admit many,
even if you have the money
see, the poor don't have a clue of our woes
they don't see the thorns in our rose.
the greenback is spiralling
and we all feel poor
there is rising inflation
our tomorrows are no longer sure
however, we're completely unaware
that their todays
are in peril

boldness and courage for a lamb

this season calls for strength to stand, faith to believe, boldness to conquer and grace to overcome. yet all i want to do is hide and run away. from the tempest and the storms. from the conflicts, skirmishes and potential bloodshed. i am the new irresponsible and the wuss in me is crying out for shelter (and another holiday), yet knowing fully well that it is not what i need.

i find myself obsessing over things like looking out for the fugitive, to ensure he is not camouflaged in the crowd and noticed that there are many many pple wearing caps these days. so i peer beneath their caps when they are sleeping in the train and rudely jolt them awake when they realize i'm peering. then i quickly look away, mentally justifying myself that i need not be embarassed, i'm just doing my part as a civilian, to be vigilant.

this is the moment when i'm challenged to be more because i hate injustice. sometimes i feel so fired up i want to fight. at times, fear and the mind holds me back and i just keep thinking, ''better stay out of trouble. don't get involved'. but i quote mordecai, queen esther's uncle who was an emblem of righteousness -
" for if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this"

alamak. what a harsh rebuke. but she needed it because many destinies and lives were hanging in the balance. imagine if esther had just MYOBed (minded your own business), the book of esther would have been written very differently and esther will be a name that will go down history in shame.

i don't know how my name will live after i leave. i do believe however, that every small decision sums up and every decision further defines who you are and what you stand for. its the classic 'between the rock and a hard place' but that's where many mighty men are birthed. babies are birthed in the womb but mighty men are birthed through trials and really difficult situations. mine is nothing compared to them. it's comparing a chiku to a watermelon. if you get my analogy. surely, this is nothing.

i need to unwussify. i need to speak even if i stammer. i need to stand even if i shake. and really its ok even if i have to evacuate this earth one day, because on the other wide of heaven, i've got a mansion reserved.

so really, if i can make a tiny difference in a tiny person's life, i'll do it. even if its inconvenient and costly. because He knew the cost but paid for me.

i'm sure He asked why. i'm sure the Father answered back, pointing at me 'she is the reason why you must die'.

i was blind but now i see

chastised.

the peoplei used to envy who had the jobs i wanted, the 'type' of life that seemed to spell ' i had it all' didn't quite have it all either. it was just all an illusion, nice packaging to shield the sadness behind.

and i felt so bad for ever ever lamenting about my life.

"death reminds us about the brevity of life but the resurrection reminds us of the brevity of death''

While You Were Sleeping - Casting Crowns

great expectations-steven curtis chapman

The morning finds me here at heavens door

A place Ive been so many times before

Familiar thoughts and phrases start to flow

And carry me to places that I know so well

But dare I go where I dont understand

And do I dare remember where I amI stand before the great eternal throne

The one that God himself is seated on

And I Ive been invited as a son

Oh I Ive been invited to come and

Believe the unbelievable

Receive the inconceivable

And see beyond my wildest imagination

Lord I come with great expectations

So wake the hope that slumbers in my soul

Stir the fire inside and make it glow

Im trusting in a love that has no end

The savior of this world has called me friend

And I Ive been invited with the son

Oh I Ive been invited to come and

We've been invited with the sonA

nd we've been invited to come and

Believe the unbelievable

Receive the inconceivable

And see beyond our wildest imagination

Lord we come with great expectations

better not safe than sorry.

i'm driven by a force that wants to live life to the fullest, love the hardest and overcome so that on my deathbed, i'll be able to wave my temporary home goodbye gaily knowing i truly lived. i'm not scared to die physically. i'm scared to die spiritually and mentally, more than anything else.

i want to savour all the blessings He has availed for me. To have the best marriage on earth, have the epic romance of all times with the one i love, share a life of communion in Him with him, and raise champions whose hearts are sold out to the one true God, to live fearlessly for Him only.

i don't want to stay 'safe' and never venture out, never try. my life has to be an adventure no matter how fraught with fear i sometimes am, as the uncertainty bellows from the deep and i'm dangling precariously by a thread called faith. undoubtedly, sometimes fear holds me back and the 'what ifs' swallow my gusto before i even start to pray. but the greater fear of one day looking back at my days in regret and peppering my lines with 'if only's propells me even further into the unknown.

i've made a decision to be bold. this decision will leave room for mistakes, forgiveness and grace to pick up and move on. this decision equips me to live to discover His best plans for me, to evidence the truth that 'He'll never leave me nor forsake me'', to be surprised by Him and to live the the overcoming life He decreed. i don't have to walk safely on the pathway when i can fly. at the same time,the knowledge that i have all but one life time restrains me from living carelessly but exercising prayer and counsel.

there are certain key areas in my life that are awaiting His full restoration. the robbers of my faith have pilferaged the deep treasures of my heart and i'm waiting a full compensation and the shame of their offense. it seems abyssamal when i examine it with the standards of this world and i've walked the valley of despair because of it. but i know, without a doubt that my God of isaac will have the last laugh from the top of Zion. and His laughter is my victory cry.

feeding my soul jay chou
with corrine may on repeat play
i can't hear You now.
garrison my soul with Your love
before they lower the casket of hope below the earth
thieves are pilferaging my hope
and the weight of my expectations
crush my spirit
lift me out from the abyss of dust
hoist my hope up the mast
blast the lies out of my soul
and let the voice of truth resound in victory.

bad bad review.

i seldom blog like this but today i was infuriated

we went to eat at the mussel guys in vivocity. 45 minutes after ordering, we were still yet to serve our soup. when we checked on our order, the waiter disappeared and came back only to tell us to 'wait'. and this was before after i practically did astar jump to get their attention.

when the soup came, it was bad bad bad. like yuck water.

then after 20 minutes or so, nothing else came. so i told the waiter if the food doesn't come any time like NOW, i'm leaving. so he told me to 'wait'. now i know why he is a waiter.not waitor.

so after a long time, i asked to see the 'manager' and told him i wanted the bill fo rall that i've eaten and i want it 'NOW'. and he said ok...'wait'. then i said, 'no more waiting'.

so a few seconds later, i found myself standing infront of the managing director and i related the whole story to him while he just listened, all the time counting money and then issuing me the bill a few minutes later. he mumbled an apology and when i saw the bill i told him there was no way i was going to pay the 10% service charge. to his credit, he removed that from the bill. still with no apology. so there. good riddance.

don't judge us!!

the 1st xin: hmm maybe my parents should have called me dar..then i'll be dar ling.
-smiles to self-

the other xin: and my parents should called me sai. then i wouldn't be so constipated.

-stops smiling to self-

her surname is Pang.

and He adds on

Isaiah 45: 8

Shower O heavens, from above
and let the clouds rain down righeousness;
let the earth open, that salvation and righteousness may bear fruit
let the earth cause them both to sprout;
I the Lord have created it

Verse 13:

I have stirred him up in righteousness,
and i will make all his ways level
he shall build my city
and set my exiles free
not for price or reward,
says the Lord of Hosts.

the God of small things.

first You wrote my name in the sky with the clouds and watched me grow. The clouds bearing my name got heavier as I grew in You. Then one day, despite my wishes, You rained me down as I was too heavy for the sky that was once my home. I fought but You promised a second return and to watch out for a surprise.

I fell down like blinding rain, onto the cold harsh ground of mud and grime. Little did I know that while I was up there in the clouds, You'd toiled the land and made it fertile and ready for me, to take root in various forms and bud flowers and be exceedingly fruitful.

I seeped into the deep foundations of the earth and hated the mud. I was now a murky brown and there was not a shade of heaven in me. I stayed in the ground grumbling not realizing the magic that was taking place.

and the magic took place. buds formed, flowers bloomed, trees surged towards the heavens. the whole place was now a forest abuzz with life and vitality, echoing Eden, Your original masterpiece.

Soon, i realized You saw a forest in the empty desolation. You who called the light out of the darkness saw the effects tied to the causes. You saw the life in me that I could give to multiply for You. and for that reason, I was rained down that You might harvest the beautiful forest of fine trees clapping their hands at the sound of Your name.

I gladly rejoiced with them but now I'm no more. I've returned home as a vapour and joined the great 'cloud' of witnesses to cheer them on, to run the race not only for the prize.

what i really want now

i just saw the wedding photos of a secondary sch friend and i just cried and cried.I was never close to her so i knew very little and it really isn't about the the skills of the photographer if you know what i mean.

I've seen so many wedding photos and but hers really has a light and a touch of heaven to it. i want mine to be like that too...it's no use getting the best photographer when there are no 'God' moments to capture.

gah. i wish them a lifetime of blessings in Him.

**
i wished i knew how to trust and i wish i could stop myself from wondering how things will ever fall into place.

it's not that i think about it all the time but i try not to think about it a good part of the time and that itself is tiring.

it beats human logic to know how it'll fall into place seamlessly and beautifully when we have such busy schedules and life is sometimes not friendly. but even if it means walking on the tight rope, i'll walk together with him and Him. and really,i do have it all in place. so my motto is: everything is in place as long as you have decided on the groom and the God who will chair the wedding and direct the marriage.

and sometimes the reminder of that alone is enough to remind me how blessed i really am.

this moment, iwish i could accelerate things and fly to dec 27th with him. never mind the frills and the picture perfect settings on the humongous guest list. i think even if it was so simple, as long as its with Him and him, it's more than everything i asked for.

it was never those things that made any wedding beautiful but the couple and the God behind the couple who authored their story. i don't have any grandiose ideas of the perfect wedding or marriage. (infact, many friends are startled at how little i care about these things. so i'll appreciate flower and dress advice!) i'm just thankful it's going to happen ( eeks. that sounded desperate)i'm just glad and all charged up to march into thisnew chapter of our lives as we covenant ourselves together in Him.

after all that we've weatherd and overcome, i'm brimming with excitement to start the new journey. the challenges may have wearied me for agood part and threatened to shipwreck my faith but now i'm good to go, soar and conquer.

it's going to be beautiful i assure you. today we already had one of those 'married fights' on whether to put coconut milk in the curry (i refused to have it added). i don't know what the future holds and sometimes it seems intimidating but i've got a good companion for life who is a soulmate, comrade, believer. and a very faithful God.

and that there'll be two pots of curry, of course.

iron will sharpen iron and sometimes i'll sulk and grouch and God forbid, scream. but we'll work it through like we always did. always will by the sheer grace of God and His wisdom. i've often joked that God gave me a woodblock but how not to when He started of as acarpenter. this is not the end product yet and soemtimes he gives me splinters but i must say 'good job!' to my dear Lord Jesus.

he has been everything i asked for and more.

and for you who is of little faith. do not mourn for isaac. God is not done with me.

cny 2008. a year of firsts and lasts.

This particular CNY was unique for many many reasons.

-my last ang pow-collecting new year. and my relatives didn't fail to remind me that. what surprised me was comments such as ..

"remember to bring baby next year so you can still collect ang pow!" (to which i am thinking, marrying in dec, how to churn out baby by feb?)

am actually quite excited about being able to give ang pows. am ok with the idea and will not be one of those who 'escape' to another country to avoid that. hopefully it stays that way.

-i literally ate round the clock coz i was quite very happy. i even participated in the cooking..

i have the best pineapple tarts in town (from baker's well), i loveee abalone and i have many goodies from isaac's mum.=)

mum made delicious 'b*ddh* jumps over the wa11' (surprise!) but since we're chr157ians, we decided to change the name. (lest i offend when pple randomly google)

and i suggested.. ' b jumps over the wa11 and ended up with many balukus" (if you look at him, you'll understand)

name change of dish however was suspended.

-isaac joining us for like every single reunion meal. we had three... praise God. i thought he nearly couldnt make it. grandparents on all sides were very happy to have extra grandson.

can't imagine what my next cny will be like. tryingto get from place to place to place via public transport. having like the number of places to visit thriple( or more!), preparing ang pows etc.

miss mummy already. i wonder if she'll still let me camp home from time to time...

true success

True success is multi-faceted and carry many dimensions and never just
about one person. And any suggestion that it is mutually exclusive
froma loving God who gave salvation through the death of his only son is
from the jeolous one, who is hungry for company in hell.

If there is only a singular dimension, it is a counterfeit and a false
distraction sent from the epitome of pride himself-satan. It keeps our
eyes on us and never on Him when we see Him, we ride on his strength
and being the loving God that he is with his heart full of mankind, it
will always affect others positively and effect change for good. It will
not compromise the interests of others. It will not devalue the
intrinsic intangible aspects of life such as health,joy,peace of mind.

Do not be deceived in this bottom line driven world. The values that
the world offers is very very inferior. All things are possible thru Him.
You can be a success in every area of life because you were destined
for it by virtue of the cross. Just follow Him.

I want to be successful. I have a huge thirst to be successful and I
know I want nothing less than His best. And I've since learnt that his
idea of success always includes a platform to affect lives for good. For
people to have a chance to meet a dimension of Him. Just as the
nature of the true source of success, remember that success is never one
dimensional.

In short, sucess is never about 'me' but 'we'.