FBI wannabe

God sends friends to tell us that we are not alone and we can never make it alone.

so as i was wondering how to get through today, i was pleasantly surprised and rejuvenated by lunch sharing session with the colleague/friend. outpouring of words and sweat because it was like 37 degrees.

2 bottles of tea later and for her, 3, we're on a way back to work.

then it was for a store opening and at the party we met loads of familiar faces and learnt that genes can come in a very good pack. like some people can have good voice, good looks (from height to features) and be very rich and still be very nice and down to earth. seriously, this breed is not mythical and if a specimen is required, please let me know.

what happened to six degrees of separation? i think 4 is the new digit. party was ok but ive never been big on this. besides bag was too heavy and it was too hot. could do with more food though. am mildly embarassed by the flower we sent. i expected it to be bigger and better but aiyar, ok i learnt to always refer to catalogue instead of having sales personnel describe FLORAL arrangement to me over the phone.

have had a lot of unglam unflattering photos of thyself posted on facebook recently by friends. incriminating photos of me usually stuffing my face with food were taken during birthday dinner. just hope that none of those sort are caught on camera today. because i thought i remembered seeing a camera flash from the corner of my eye as i was eating lamb chop with my hands and said function.

as colleague/friend reminded me 'company reputation is at stake'. but lamb chop was so good. i was about to put lamb chop down and feel sheepish until i remembered that personal image was already questionable when i sat down beside her. the strong association already diluted whatever 'glamness' left in me.

and i'm still frying my brain with criminal minds and entertaining FBI fantasies. someone get me that ugly windbreaker that has FBI emblazoned in BRIGHT yellow on the behind.

whee!

met up with adelene for dinner at coffee club at raffles place for her to pass me her wedding invite.

and as we were eating we heard this huge PIANGGGG sound. this poor guy walked right into the glass. i thought i found my long-lost twin. i had strange impulses to run up and toast him with my ice water.

but i noted my friend's esteemed down to earth auditor reputation and repressed my desires.

**

so now she's also getting married. which makes her the 5th in our batch. mgs class of 99 is really breakng the mgs trend with so many of us getting hitched relatively early. its like the year of mass marrying.

more to go in the next two few years.

and i think all who got married so early were 'surprises' as we weren't the kinds who always went on dates and all. (ok lah, me at least).

**
there's not much of me to start with today
but you can have it all
before the altar and the cross
12 keys lay
and i wonder who these are for

my next 24 hours
i lay them down before you
have every second
and inhabit them

i'll take the keys
unlock your presents
i won't bury them
like the unprofitable servant
you'd have wanted me to share

it's been a tiring day and i am spent
do not despise my 'widow's mite'
consume it with your holy fire
i know you count this at treasure

remind me please that life is more than this mundane drill
that my first ministry
should be you
sorry i've been a martha
sorry i'm presenting my leftovers
and not my first fruits

that's cain's first crime
i don't want it to be mine
please take the very best
not after i fry my brain with criminal minds.
even if its 5 loaves and 2 fishes
sorrows, worries and cares

You said be still and trust
my eyes tell me i'm gathering dust
tell me again you're on my case
tell me again that it's all by your grace
so i can quell the lies of my flesh
soak up your peace and find rest.

light the night sky with stars
send a fluffy cloud my way
let the moon smile at me tonight
tell me in every possible way
that i am your beloved.

but i guess the best possible way
is to still take me to the cross
to revisit the gruesome sight
where you hung and died

take me to the empty tomb
where you conquered death
fly me across the map
and stop me at heaven
at your throne
so i can jump on your lap

let me ride a unicorn
so i can beat the ERP
i won't have to worry about parking without poles
or if my cashcard has money

i'll be spinning with joy
and float like casper
i'll be dancing on water

till my fantasy ends.

Circumcised

"you see the depths of my heart and you love me the same"

and that gives me courage and strength to accept myself.

**
the past three days have been nothing short of awesome. It's been awhile since i saw, dreamt and heard and had it confirmed. did heaven invade earth or what? the details were so clear,the glory was so strong. the love was so compelling. i cringed, cried, fell while He undid me only to raise me up again. knots were undone within my soul as freedom coursed through my spirit.

my heavenly husband is at hand. as He came, i knew he wanted something from me and i struggled to relinquish my rights to be angry, the wrongs done to me.

I wanted to run out and shout it out. "don't cast your pearls before swine'' and my heart grieved, knowing that they'll trample on them.



I cried a tear
You wiped it dry
I was confused
You cleared my mind
I sold my soul
You bought it back for me
And held me up
and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me.

You gave me strength
To stand alone again
To face the world
Out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me
You needed me

And I can't believe it's you
I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave
I'd be a fool'
Cause I've finally found someone who really cares
You held my hand
When it was cold
When I was lost
You took me home
You gave me hope
When I was at the end
And turned my lies
Back into truth again
You even called me friend
You needed me
You needed me

--Anne Murray, "you needed me"

observations

bones is my new fascination. save. me from wanting to join FBI.

isit a coincidence the two institutions in trouble now are both initialized as F.M? fannie may and freddie mac. what cute names. now the feds have to rescue them.

i'm not trivializing here. it's serious and we're all in trouble if they go down but its just my humble observation and i think i finally mastered the art of being cool and not lapsing into kancheong spider mode.

whee!

thoughts of the week

this dangerous cocktail of emotions inside me. i want to puke it all out.
i want to stick my head out above the water to breathe. to remember, to live.

yesterday was one very happy day. we had the bestest of time together and i returned home feeling so blessed and rich. and we didn't even do anything special, check out any good food. we just..were together. i wish i wouldn't allow distractions and lesser things to cloud my vision of life and judge the quality of the life i now live. because really, it is quite very fantastic. possibly the best its ever been. but yet i struggle with the lamentations, the bad attitudes and habits of the past. worst of all, the occasional bouts of heaviness that just leaves me so weary.

i want to be faithful too. to react with Grace and with Jesus when the heat is turned on. yet, its the stinking flesh that permeates my spirit. i find it inspiring to witness the lives of people who have stayed faithful throughout in the face of severe trials, unquestioningly, determinedly and steadfastly. everyone will transit out of the trial at some point- but with what? with grace or bitterness? hurt or hope?forgiveness or brokenness?

there is more ugliness in me than i thought was possible to inhabit a human spirit. but i take solance and refuge in Jesus. this is all i have and thankfully all i need.

i want to embark on a pilgramage of sorts. to clear the ears and eyes of my soul to gain new perspectives, to hear His whisper in the cool of the day again. and i'm realizing its no longer restricted to going on some personal retreat and isolating myself from everything i've known. this is a luxury i'm denied now but God is still gracious. it's being aware in the everyday of Him, seeing His invisible hand at work and trusting in His promises of old.

it's cliche and has been repeated to death but maybe it's really all that simple.

the cares of this life are many. distractions are plentiful..that steal my heart and soul and time away from the one who loves me the most. i can't cling on to these lesser things, these little deadweights add up and soon, i'm stuck. it's time to cut off these chains and run till i'm soaring again and let the wind take me. its a destiny at stake and i'm not available for compromise.

so many ruined have passed me by. so many who have lived but merely exist today. so many detours and u turns. so hard to stay on the right track. to be who He made me to be.

i love hanging out with people who are real. upfront about who they are, their struggles and pains. to let me know this is not stepford. that i'm not alone. i love it more when i see them triumph, in a world that is hostile to righteousness and justice and repels the name of Jesus. i love it. that even in deep persecutions, their glory remains unabated and sometimes, it's like i can just see the beautiful crown set aside for them at the end of their race.

and i want to be numbered among them.

5th duckobell

yay! we hit the 5th year and this is the last duckobell we're celebrating whereby we have to say goodbye at the end of the eveningand head home separately.

so this year we decided to do something different (and very low budget). not fancy dinners at ritz, no fancy presents (ok, that's not new) etc. we decided to take a trip back down memory lane and relive what happened on the very first duckobell day, 5 years ago.

so after work we headed for dinner at wherewe had our first unromantic date: far eastplaza and ate at the same eatery but different table and more dishes this time. it is the green signboard new station 'restaurant' and we had zi char. back then, we were poor hungry students and couldn't afford to order much. it would have been romantic if we even shared the same bowl o claypot rice but of coz that didnt happen because no 1) we werent that poor and no 2) we were xinying and isaac and we just don't share food.

so we ate heartily and i'm glad to say that 5 years from that very first 'date', isaac didnt pick his teeth infront of me. so that was good.

after that, we headed to wisma which would always have a special placeinour hearts coz thats where we really really began, outside the toilet. there he first asked me 'err so are you my gf'. this is by now infamous coz i in my flabbergasted state back then told everyone that i found the most unromantic guy in the world and yet fell in love with him.

so this time, he asked me the same question but the correct answer is 'no', as opposed to back then's 'HOW CAN YOU ASK ME THIS KIND OF QUESTION?!". because i'll be his wife in 5 mths!

so anyways, the long in short is that we had a great time eating , reminiscing and thanking God for his faithfulness because we so nearly didnt make it.

so there, thank you dear Father. for duckobell . for your goodness. for your faithfulness. for each other. MUAH.

**
looking in the mirror...
me: urgh. i'm so not cool. so unglam. and smelly (From the food fumes at far east).
him: it's ok. coz if you were cool, we won't be compatible.

good point.

**
walking past bang and olufsen...we decided it sounded like a car accident.

BANG! O! Lu Sen (the seatbelt!)

Rs

Not reduce, reuse and recycle.
Regrets/rewind

the most painful word established in the english vocabulary.

Many times, i want to hit myself and wish very hard that i could just the time back by those few minutes to right the wrong and better that moment. but its all futile. that has never and will never materialized.

the trap to get me stuck in the 'if only's of life keeps me from advancing to the best and unlimited that the future offers. my best years are not behind me, neither is it now. its infront. i hope to still be saying this when i'm 70, 80. it'll always be ahead. never behind.

i might have done better in that moment on hindsight. but i'll never have the moment back. i can only seize the next one.

*
Revenge

i want to hit back and right my own wrongs done to me. and i know i have the claws like wolverine, hidden but mighty. i know i can scratch them alive and make them eat their words. i know my words can tear much down and i've been strugglign to bridle them. to let go of my rights and let God. to leave Him to be the judge and to absolve myself in this situation.

it goes against everything that i am. the one who will fight. i am now called to be meek and to submit my 'predicament' to Him even when injustice was done towards me. the only battle i am called to now is the battle against my flesh.

i can be antagonistic and ruthless. but i'm struggling not to be. because some time ago, i signed my life away to be His follower, bearing up the cross to walk the talk. now i have to love my enemies through the love shed abroad. and this year, i've been challenged endlessly to love the painfully unloveable even as they unrepentantly choose to sin against me. just as I have sinned against my God but have gained forgiveness.

now, all i really desire is grace to keep forgiving despite the unrelentless tide of offense. maybe they really don't know what they do. and i leave my interests in His palm, knowing somehow, all this will pan out for His glory and He will take care of me.(before i give up and take care of them.)

*
Respite

Bangkok provided a great respite for me from the bustle of life. i enjoyed being away, being uncontactable (somewhat) and being with my good friend, who painstakingly put up withmy messiness and tardiness when she suffers from an extreme form of obsessive compulsive disorder.

(so in the end she had to pack for me by sorting out my stuff properly while i was previously throwing and dumping and then attemptign to sit on luggage to close it). I appreciate the carefully and thoughtfully planned itinery that even gives us a 1 hr break and everything so so much and the patience when i said i'll nap 15 minutes but zonk out for like 1 hr and the bag shopping.

and the list goes on.

this trip also unveiled another thing. that i look very local and thai. it's not just the clothes (because i look sloppier than the street hawker) but that i just look thai. people actually express genuine surprise when i say i'm not thai.

this has to serve a purpose. besides being able to get better bargains because tourists usually get ripped off, maybe it'll help meto assimilate better during ministry/mission trips. but it'll take quite a miracle for me to remotely master the sing song thai language lah.

i'm thankful for it and i think i came back better. more ready to take the problems thrown head on. i think that if not for the break i might have really broken down emotionally,mentally and physically because of the sheer stress of everything. i want to go back one day. i see it. not just for teh shopping but i want to visit the slums with physical and spiritual provisions from heaven and reclaim some territory back for my Lord.

prepare for my return, thailand.

world and personal transitions

is the media in love with Obama or what? but i can understand why. i'm a fan too. i try to be objective and try my bestest to restrain me to denounce the other candidates but this man really won me over in so many ways.

Now i'm just waiting to see what he'll say concerning zion and after that it pretty much seals my vote. as if i get to vote. but well at least i'm committed to praying God's choice into the white house.

its not the good looks as some of his detractors like to expound on that kept me spell bound. there's so much more from fund raising methods to governanceof his campaigning committee etc. everything he does is so unprecedented and fresh (no wonder they denounce him for being inexperienced). if this is what inexperience is about, i'm all for it.

joshua was quite inexperienced in leading the people into the promised land but he was God's choice. i think this signals something very new in the world. i'm ready for America's first black president. I'm ready for the eagle to soar again and turn the tide around and soar so high against the boarish bear and the proud dragon. *oops*

**
i've been so greatly fatigued lately with packing and just thinking about the things that lay ahead. there seems to be no respite which is why i'm so looking forward to rest.

2008 really bullet sped past me and yes although we're only in june, i can sniff december already. it's round the corner.

being thrust and vascillated endlessly between the present and the future so often rendered me somewhat an amnesiac towards history. my packing uncovered adventures of the past and the highlight really was pictures of the past. sadly, i don't have many of myself in mgs and pjc but those i had made me laugh (and cringe).

i'd like to think i was never THAT dorky but the picture evidence spoke strongly against me. it brought me back down memory lane while i revisited old friendships in those pictures and the naivety that characterized that age. i liked the innocence that was associated with it and remember the petty squabbles with friends.

the photos charted the course i've taken and the long wayi've come. it's such an amazingness seeing how God operated on me bit by bit and how much more He'll take me. and i'm so blessed and proud that many from those photos are still present in my life today. i consider that true treasure and am a firm believer that how rich you are is often quite defined by your relationships. when i think about th epeople i've been blessed with and how our friendships have endured the ages and transcended so much, i do think i'm very rich.

when i'm married and have household obligations (like cooking and ironing), i'll miss many things of singlehood. and while i enter a different phase which many of my friends aren't inaugarated into yet, i have the faith that while our activities differ, our friendship will remain and continue to get better with age. as with eachtransition, somethings have to go to make way for the new.there'll probably be no more sleepovers which is something we left behind in the 20th century. and we might end up bonding in the aisles of supermarkets as we ponder over which brand of washing powder provides the best value of money instead of the fitting room where we ponder over 'which pair of jeans doesn't make my butt look fat and my legs long'.

nah, i'm kidding. my friends thankfully are more than shopping buddies (they are eating kakis too, esp mei ling and shuxin). there is more that we talk about and i like it that we can bare ur hearts and bear each other up. (until i get so irritating they all explode.but i secretly enjoy exasperating them)

i can't take all along with me as i transit from singlehood to marriage. i'm leaving my soft toys, books and some other relics behind. and my wilfuness, rights and pride to begin my covenant that will stretch eternity .

my technological milestones

1996-hotmail account set up. by mei ling (i've since progressed to yahoo/gmail)
1997- irc set up by mei ling
1997-icq set up by cali (which i ended up using for a looong time even when all of you abandoned me for msn!)
2005-msn. by this thankfully comes with windows live.
2004-blogger set up by cali
2005-friendster set up by cali
2006-flickr set up by cali.
2008-facebook set up by cali, wedding photos uploaded by cali, snapfish set up by cali
1996-? mei ling records all my missed episodes of tv shows. because even if i had a vcr, i wouldn't know how to use it.


what will i do without my friends?
live in a cave.with dinosaurs.

i will never be a model

for more reasons than one.

1)i'm uber unprofessional and i hate posing posing posing. the photographer said that unlike couples who want more more more pictures to milk their money's worth, i'm like 'ok, this is so hard, ok let's go!lament lament''

2)in her words, i'm ''pose like robot'' -stiff.

3)i don't take instructions very well.
eg: from far, "xinying!!show your flowers!!!"
me: "huh?!?!"
isaac behind me "SHOWWW your flowers at her!!"
me (bewildered that they asked me to throw the flowers but willing obeyed' threw the bouquet at the photographer. and hit her face.

photographer: "i'm gg to vomit''
2 interpretations of that line : i'm so exasperated i'm gg to vomit, you hit me so hard i'm gg to vomit (the bouquet has a long hard stick below)

4)you already know this by now...i'm clumsy.

up the stairs: trips and falls X4 among other things.

**
special thanks to calista teo...who went the extra mile for her clumsy friend literally. and who ended up being more tired than on a workday for me. and she did so cheerily and so lovingly! gah!!huggg!

the ah goonbride signs out.
thank you!!!!!

doing better next time

"I will confide this to you: One of my greatest disappointments and a grief that I carry is to have watched some of the most spiritually-gifted people fail, backslide, and bury the great gifts that they were given. Because my calling is to build people, the "talents" I have been entrusted with are the people. Though I understand that God has given people freedom to make their own choices, I still carry a grief for those who fail. I cannot help but to wonder what I could have done to prevent this.
Don't feel sorry for me or try to alleviate this feeling because it is basic that with authority comes responsibility, and I am not concerned with feeling better as much as I am with doing better. The only way that I will feel better is to see improvement, and I think that we are, but I also do not want to just sweep our failures under the rug. I want to learn everything I can from them so I can do better with the people the Lord entrusts to us. "

-Rick Joyner, morningstar ministries.

thinking aloud.

"The Bible is not the record of people following the rules and grabbing the blessing. The Bible is a record of grace breaking into people's lives—usually in the form of suffering—who otherwise would never have been able to overcome their own corruption and brokenness."

Tim Keller, pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian church.

wah, solid.

**
on another note, i'm thinking wedding (finally, i know i know) so here's thinking aloud and i appreciate comments/advice/volunteers but please don't have major debate etc.

bridesmaid's dresses
cut: ok since all of you want different things and i so don't want cookie cutter , i let you all decide.
it must be matching but ie: no polka dots and bold colors. same color theme will be good.
if you all have trouble getting it off the rack, cut it out of the magazine and we see what a tailor and arab street cloth suppliers can do.


registration
i need 4? including treasurer. isaac wants some of his friends there also.

annabelle?jon?joana?zijuan?adelene? ok that's 5. haha, isaac's friends will do ushering then. or bouncers. wah jon is a lucky guy.

jon has also volunteered to do a song and dance solo but i'm gently declining that gracious offer.

Emcees
cali and niq. so you all need to meet soon with me to discuss. i want to vet script because niq has incriminating stuff that constitutes as blackmail material.

overall coordination
maria .

speech
shuxin

worship team
isaac's people are taking care of this

my cell grp shd be involved. ok, they can prepare special non embarassing item.

and of course, last but not the least
oxygen tank-mei ling!

screening of montage/projector:
someone techy. joel?

wedding car driver:
isaac's friend ben?

the rest of the committee, i know almost all got private transport but i appreciate car pooling (ie. all my bridesmaids livein bukit timah!!) because we must do our part to save the environment.
(what i actually mean is parking is tight)
that's all, what am i missing?

ok then i'll organize a get together since all of you are from everywhere and we need to play stupid ice breakers to get some real synergy going here! nobody is allowed to bond by sharing weird stories about me.wah, come to think abt it these are the major grps: mgs, nhps, pj,new creation, cornerstone. and all are coincidentally christian.good.i like christian army.

isaac's friends will take care of worship, ushering, gate crashing (so you all must hold the fort!) etc.

Plea

The Lord has to divorce me from disappointed hope and help me to transcend above the pitfalls of despair to trust again. I admit my doubt and unbelief and I lay them at the foot of the cross. (and not take them back)I've struggled and crucified them a thousand times over and have no victory. I handing it over now for Him to enforce Hisvictory, their defeat over my soul.

Reclaim me for Yourself only Lord and consecrate me for Your purposes.

The distractions and trappings of wealth are very real but I know He understands and doesn't despise my weaknesses.

Sever the memory and tauntings of a history that included a time of seeming unanswered prayer and restore and baptize me again in simple childlike trust and faith.

For nothing else inherits and accesses Him more than a child like faith. And that is what I want. To please Him

dashing to the altar!

ok.

somehow i have to find time to collect keys, renovate the house and move out of one house into another FAST.

july will be a 'relak' month with 3 birthdays and 1 anniversary and alot of yays.

then come aug, what is 20% tentative and 80% sure is new york. then baby fair for 21 days.

then sept, it'll be alot of time in the skies as we head paris, cologne and stockholm.

then i'll be back and be dashing all the way to the altar. with my wedding planner and train in tow. which means i have to decide on dresses and other things. like digging up photos for montage, guestslists, speeches etc.

then after that, i just want to collapse and rest.

from miss l to mrs q

i hate being away from isaac. i've said this before and i have repeated this at least 10000 times but it remains unchanged.

i told him so but he thinks i'm just being clingy and 'dependent'. oh well, too bad then. i will stick like superglue and he better get used to it come dec 27th.

i like it then when i forget my sunglasses and can't take the glare, he will put his hands over my eyes so that there is effectively no glare (infact, there is no vision) and he'll just take my hand and lead me. well, we must look quite ridiculous to the rest of the world but it's ok, we're safe and snug in our own.

and when i go 'my shoulders are ugly' when looking at my reflection in the glass panel, he covers them with his arms, hugging me from behind so that i see instead that i'm loved. and know this: in just one man's eyes at least in this world of too many, i'm beautiful.

just about 7 mths more and its time to ponder over guestlists and get my bridesmaids some clothes. or likei said, buy cloth from arab street with safety pins. haha.

and in 7 mths, we'll no more be sending air kisses over the phone at 11pm every weekday night. we'll transit over to the world of real goodnight kisses! (and he'll be my slave forevermore! ) oops.read: wives submit to your husband ..(bible page 1015 aka 1 Peter 3:1)

we'll end our 5 year long distance upp changi east and west coast crescent relationship and move into the era of strathmore avenue.

Remembering Maria Sue

ending a cycle.

when death comes prematurely, we all mourn the loss of 'what could have been'.

this week,death struck twice. once, near home but a lot less tragic for it was a life well lived and spanned over 8 decades.

Esther, (isaac's grandma) and a future grandmother in law for me went home into the arms of Jesus on thursday, 22nd May.

While we all shed a tear coz we missed her, we laughed at her 'so cute' antics like how she would clap and sing along to 'beautiful sunday' and always went 'oh dear dear dear ' in her signature Esther style.

she was a cheerful vibrant spunky ah ma and got habitually distracted by nice pretty things. the vanity vein did not miss her, like most of her female counterparts and she fussed over her hair to make sure that it was freshly dyed, in the same vain hope to conceal that she was a grandma of over 8 decades old.

all in all, she was loved, cherished and cared for. and now, she joins her heavenly husband, our lord Jesus and her earthly husband, Donald together with her firstborn, Mary in heaven.

**
news from further away but harder to bear that evoked a greater 'grief reaction' however came in the form of Maria Chapman's sudden demise due to a tragic car accident. this little Chinese girl escaped probable female infanticide or a fate much worse as she was adopted from China into a loving, Christian American home.

just 10 days after her 5th birthday, for reasons I can't fathom but can't stop pondering over, she returned to her heavenly home.

this news hit me hard and the frustrations of a regular work day just faded into oblivion as new grief dominated my thoughts. it's the 'whys' and the imagining of the pain her family must be going through etc etc that raced endlessly through my mind.

i don't have the answers but i know Maria today is with Jesus and that is a mighty comfort. How many people can say that of their children? they may have lived a successful illustrious life in all earthly measures but at the end of the cycle, if it doesn't lead to Jesus, it is all futile. all nothing. zilch. even heaven is nothing without Jesus.

someday, the answers will come and death will be no more. someday, in the heavenly courts where praises ring and families reunite, all the tears will be no more. but until that someday, His grace and comfort be our sufficiency. His presence, Himself be our all in all.

perilous times

" For we know that the whole creation has been groaning togethe in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies"

Romans 8: 22-23

myanmar cyclone. sichuanearthquake. philippines typhoon. sumatra earthquake.

what next?

in Christ alone

will i glory.
if i didn't update any longer, this would rust. this blog was started to document Him in my life and the recent event,though not spectacular deserves an entry.

i never thought it was possible and i berated myself over the course of preparing (and fretting) as to why i did this. this was completely my own initiative and i had no one to blame and despite knowing i had close to no human resource (but not realizing the scale it would eventually be), i charged ahead.

even if this was my swansong, i think it concluded very nicely. i never thought i could even do it since i have close to zero coordination skills and am uptight, perfectionistic and terribly short-handed. but i guess, in everything, this is true: God + me = majority and nothing is impossible if i have Him.

He was truly the invisible hand behind the event. there was nothing spectacular but all i would say complimented the event (although i don't know if it was out of courtesy) because of the intangible aspects. this was the warmth, the laughter, the fine balance between presentation and relaxation. i had no control over these aspects no matterhow much i planned and its the general dynamics of the crowd that caused the event to be successful. and for that, i only have Him to credit as He mingled invisibly in the crowd as the chief host and servant.

He was the first person I invited and I'm so glad He showed up. otherwise, I'd be left with just me and a very sad show. prior to the event, i was assaulted by thoughts of terrible 'what ifs' such as if no one turned up etc.

all in all, i watched in awe as how everything i didn't plan panned out and all my blind corners covered by His dedication. and most of all, i'm so grateful He held me together. in the multitude of my anxieties, He truly comforted my soul and strengthened me both physically and emotionally.

I just pray that the eyes of those who have yet to encounter Him will see Him. I can't quite say 'thank you' when a compliment is served because i know i just can't take credit for this. Nobody knows how i could barely hold together and how much I wanted to give up. Nobody knew the wreck i was or imagined the loser i could be if He was not on the scene. Not just for this event, but life itself.

I just pray, that when i say 'praise God', 'Jesus blessed this', 'my prayers were answered', that it would be a little seed of His glory germinating in their heart that will erupt into more evidences of His future manifest glory. i'm not trying to be modest. i'm only being truthful.

I just pray that they'll see beyond me. and if they can't, i would be sorely disappointed and sorry for inadvertently robbing the glory of my best friend.

i've been thinking over the past few days and one reason why i was sorely disappointed and disheartened with work/career is that i always wanted my job to not just be a job but a ministry. that God can through me change conditions to better the lives of people, to change people, to touch hearts, to be the glove for His hand to work through to yield results to bless the company.

i want to sow a seed of His person in human hearts, be a friend /intercessor to those who don't know Him and be a runway for His glory to take flight so that His name can be exalted.

i want to make money. not so that isaac and i can live like a king but so that we can serve more people with this money and meet all our needs. at the risk of sounding overly altruistic and drawing glory to myself, do note that none of these desires have bore fruit. and that is why, i'm here at this fork in the road wondering and wandering.

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I've been blessed beyond measure
And only by His strength I've overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes
Like diamonds in my hand
But those trophies would not equal
To the grace on which I stand

"in Christ alone"

brief update

am so glad to be back.
i just realized i hvae an uncanny love-hate relationship with HK, all because i got really sick on both trips this month there.

first one, i had a severe case of gastric and i was in a lot of pain at some ulu convention centre. and before i knew it, i did a merlion.
then just yesterday, i was being wrapped up in blankets and guzzling hot water as a fever raged on and my throat felt like i swallowed blades.

my consolation was that this time, mum was with me and she nursed me and prayed and prayed while i lay in bed shivering. i actually felt a tangible shift and release when she was done praying. my mum is such a prayer warrior. wish my mum could travel with me whereever i go.


sometimes it feels so surreal how its possible to shuttle so much in like 3 days. i cannot believe i was still in hk a few hours ago and now here i am. its kinda disconcerting and i feel like i've lost all my bearings.

and during my last trip to hk 2 weeks ago, i kept thinking i was in china.

off to bed. =/