patience..this overbearing word holds so much to me. it seems to connote a sense of peace despite and inspite of prevailing troubled situations or a prolonged almost painful wait that requires endurance.
on hindsight, the lord truly denied me nothing good. when i asked for bread, he didn't serve me stone (which i why i am convinced some stones are evil). everything i wanted, i had..sometimes longer than what i'm prepared to wait.
waiting is pure agony for me because i've never been patient. always wanted everything fast and the more i desired that, the more it consumed me i had no room left to cultivate patience. what evolved instead was a hot tempered wilful girl with the abraham syndrome. since God took his time with the promise, i'll act on it first and create my own ishmael....aka trouble.
a repentant daughter writes today that she is sorry for wronging her loving father. now i just pray that i'll truly know God as He wants to be known. i've heard so many different versions i just wanto know for myself. to never for a moment hereafter doubt his goodness and love and to always in every circumstance knows what His will is. i don't wanto guess or second guess especially when other lives are involved. i wanto be trusthworthy enough that God can trust me with His inner most secrets..that He can count me as a friend.
i need to graduate from petulant child status. its high time. its been more than a decade and its high time for some serious pruning, never mind how painful it might be. how terrifying.to give up so much of me...even when everything in me rebels and theres nothing left to surrender..
which reminds me of what kathryn kuhlman so famously said "if you can use nothing, use me" .i'm in the same shoes now...in the shoes of emptiness and nothingness but let Your will lead me. so often we live life like there are a 1000 tomorrows, not numbering our days and forget the heavy responsibility that comes with walking as a child of God in this sin sick world. we live to indulge and indulge only in our own pleasures. and our world basically has a grand total of one person-ourselves. guilty as charged...i need to depart from that.
i don't want it to be such that when i die, it's like i had never lived.
i honestly thought i was dying there in the hospital bed. they'd just injected me thrice and suddenly my body temp just dropped drastically and i just froze. then i started convulsing..i was certain that i was dying alone that moment. none of my loved ones was around.
after that, i just don't wanto waste time anymore. i don't wanto live that lie that its all about me. it izznt. neither issit about you..but Him.
"Stubbornness and self-will will alays stab Jesus christ. It may hurt no one else but it wounds His spirit...whenever we rely on self respect, we systematically disturb and grieve His spirit. And when we finally understand that it is Jesus we have been persecuting all this time, it is the most crushing revelation ever"
-Oswald Chambers.
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