sometimes (actually more often than i'll like to admit ) , i wished to God that i was prettier. I had a very bad habit of marvelling at how some girls can be so beautifully sculpted and I often derogatorily joked that after God made them, He tired out because of how much detail He had to pay and just moulded me with His eyes closed.
What a terrible and disrespectful joke on hindsight!
The world has taught me in the past 2 over decades that my measure of worth is not about who I am but how i look, what i acheive etc. As a result, I've never had a healthy esteem of myself and to this day, I struggle with that. I cannot cope with too much attention of any kind even if its dressed up with compliments because i just cannot bask and shine in it confidently. I shy away into oblivion because i feel safe knowing my flaws will not be exposed there.
Over the years, as the Lord patiently dealt with me, i struggled with not letting my esteem not be tied to any man. and let it rest solely and purposefully on the living reality that i'm accepted and considered to be a rare beauty, one of a kind in this world to the only one who will ever truly matter. I've also been very blessed with a man of God whom i've chosen to spend the rest of my life with who can see beauty in my button bridgeless nose and fat cheeks. Despite saying that i look like yoda when i'm sick, i know deep down, my soul never knitted more closely with another and will never again.
So while i found myself in secret envy of a pretty one i chanced upon especially on a day when i looked like yoda, the Lord brought me to repentance and instead turned my prayer into thanksgiving for what i am by the grace of God and for His face to shine upon mine...just so the world will know He lives, through me.
He never fails to make me feel beautiful. and for that, im grateful. I pray that i'll truly see beauty in every individual from now on and make them feel beautiful.
**
i was also reminded of the time i baked ugly but delicious strawberry cakes with shuxin one night from 12 am to 4am. and we called it '' beauty is skindeep"
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