patience..this overbearing word holds so much to me. it seems to connote a sense of peace despite and inspite of prevailing troubled situations or a prolonged almost painful wait that requires endurance.
on hindsight, the lord truly denied me nothing good. when i asked for bread, he didn't serve me stone (which i why i am convinced some stones are evil). everything i wanted, i had..sometimes longer than what i'm prepared to wait.
waiting is pure agony for me because i've never been patient. always wanted everything fast and the more i desired that, the more it consumed me i had no room left to cultivate patience. what evolved instead was a hot tempered wilful girl with the abraham syndrome. since God took his time with the promise, i'll act on it first and create my own ishmael....aka trouble.
a repentant daughter writes today that she is sorry for wronging her loving father. now i just pray that i'll truly know God as He wants to be known. i've heard so many different versions i just wanto know for myself. to never for a moment hereafter doubt his goodness and love and to always in every circumstance knows what His will is. i don't wanto guess or second guess especially when other lives are involved. i wanto be trusthworthy enough that God can trust me with His inner most secrets..that He can count me as a friend.
i need to graduate from petulant child status. its high time. its been more than a decade and its high time for some serious pruning, never mind how painful it might be. how terrifying.to give up so much of me...even when everything in me rebels and theres nothing left to surrender..
which reminds me of what kathryn kuhlman so famously said "if you can use nothing, use me" .i'm in the same shoes now...in the shoes of emptiness and nothingness but let Your will lead me. so often we live life like there are a 1000 tomorrows, not numbering our days and forget the heavy responsibility that comes with walking as a child of God in this sin sick world. we live to indulge and indulge only in our own pleasures. and our world basically has a grand total of one person-ourselves. guilty as charged...i need to depart from that.
i don't want it to be such that when i die, it's like i had never lived.
i honestly thought i was dying there in the hospital bed. they'd just injected me thrice and suddenly my body temp just dropped drastically and i just froze. then i started convulsing..i was certain that i was dying alone that moment. none of my loved ones was around.
after that, i just don't wanto waste time anymore. i don't wanto live that lie that its all about me. it izznt. neither issit about you..but Him.
"Stubbornness and self-will will alays stab Jesus christ. It may hurt no one else but it wounds His spirit...whenever we rely on self respect, we systematically disturb and grieve His spirit. And when we finally understand that it is Jesus we have been persecuting all this time, it is the most crushing revelation ever"
-Oswald Chambers.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
unprecedented
i know you all cannot imagine me doing any worse..
i walked up the bus and all eyes were on me.even after i sat down..i felt so many glares and stares..
it was almost 11 pm.i was tired..so i went to sleep. when i alighted...still many were looking.
i didn't understand why until i saw myself in the mirror in the lift...the tissue i used to wipe my face, i left it on my head. somehow it balanced nicely for the entire trip and was nicely tucked into my hairband, securing its position on my head.
now all i do is pray i'll never meet those commuters again.
i walked up the bus and all eyes were on me.even after i sat down..i felt so many glares and stares..
it was almost 11 pm.i was tired..so i went to sleep. when i alighted...still many were looking.
i didn't understand why until i saw myself in the mirror in the lift...the tissue i used to wipe my face, i left it on my head. somehow it balanced nicely for the entire trip and was nicely tucked into my hairband, securing its position on my head.
now all i do is pray i'll never meet those commuters again.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
oh taste and see that i love you
the weekend/week has not exactly been the easiest and i had to drag myself to church today. upon arriving at the bus stop, saw my lovely darling waiting for me with pancakes he made.
made everything better. really.thank you my dearest.
yesterday's banana walnut was still on my shoe
i looked at it and felt hungry so i thought of you..
i hope you will appreciate my little humble pancake.
i didn't get it exactly right but it was lovingly made
it doesn't have extra butter or honey which i know you like,
i didn't have a container to put those inside.
when you digest contents of butter and flour,
i hope that you will taste within the flavour of my love...MUAH!
made everything better. really.thank you my dearest.
yesterday's banana walnut was still on my shoe
i looked at it and felt hungry so i thought of you..
i hope you will appreciate my little humble pancake.
i didn't get it exactly right but it was lovingly made
it doesn't have extra butter or honey which i know you like,
i didn't have a container to put those inside.
when you digest contents of butter and flour,
i hope that you will taste within the flavour of my love...MUAH!
Sunday, January 21, 2007
the way i was made
i want to live like there's no tomorrow
i want to dance like there's no one around
i want to sing like nobody's listening
before i lay my body down
i want to give like i have plenty
i want to love like i'm not afraid
i want to be the man i was meant to be
i want to be the way i was made
=-chris tomlin=
i want to dance like there's no one around
i want to sing like nobody's listening
before i lay my body down
i want to give like i have plenty
i want to love like i'm not afraid
i want to be the man i was meant to be
i want to be the way i was made
=-chris tomlin=
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
not healthy for company image..apparently
my colleagues have often 'envied' me publicly because despite being the rookie and one that is not trained in my supposed area of expertise, i'm paired up with the head of our leasing dept. Therefore, there are boundless opportunities to learn from the best and alot more exposure.
i'm very thankful to the company and of course God for this amazing chance and treasure it very much. however, this head is like the epitome of sophistication and class and together, we've been stark contrasts of each other.
here's why:
1) while showing a top FnB chain boss into the meeting room, i proceeded first..only to walk into the wall.
2)dropped my hello kitty plastic pencil case during another meeting. said boss saw..burst out laughing as my hello kitty contents spilled out.
3)suddenly bent down to clutch pants very tightly during meeting. people present thought i must have acute appendicitis or equivalent. turns out my buckle burst and i was trying to hold on to modesty.
4)was cutting steak during lunch meeting. it was abit tough. steak was recommended and ordered by restaurant's boss. was too carried away trying to get past the toughness i didn't realise the whole table was shaking because of me.
5)while eating xiao long bao during a lunch meeting, i bit into it and the soup inside squirted...in the direction of my client.
6)while eating some fish thing during same lunch meeting, grip with chopstick was not firm, so fish flew ..in direction of client.
7) while eating chicken, chicken flew...in direction of boss.
8)spat out horrible tasting desert (reflex action) because it didn't sit well with my tastebuds. but this one not so bad coz boss proceeded to do the same. it was that bad.
just to name a few. of course there are the usual trippings over imaginary pop up tiles, walking into walls/doors (latest was to walk into a man riding a bike causing him to lose balance) and walking into the gents only to realise after a full minute etc etc. of course according to murphy's law...i had to be embarassed before the boss and some other colleagues. needless to say, i'm gained a certain level of notoriety for said occurrences despite being a ROOKIE.
i'm very thankful to the company and of course God for this amazing chance and treasure it very much. however, this head is like the epitome of sophistication and class and together, we've been stark contrasts of each other.
here's why:
1) while showing a top FnB chain boss into the meeting room, i proceeded first..only to walk into the wall.
2)dropped my hello kitty plastic pencil case during another meeting. said boss saw..burst out laughing as my hello kitty contents spilled out.
3)suddenly bent down to clutch pants very tightly during meeting. people present thought i must have acute appendicitis or equivalent. turns out my buckle burst and i was trying to hold on to modesty.
4)was cutting steak during lunch meeting. it was abit tough. steak was recommended and ordered by restaurant's boss. was too carried away trying to get past the toughness i didn't realise the whole table was shaking because of me.
5)while eating xiao long bao during a lunch meeting, i bit into it and the soup inside squirted...in the direction of my client.
6)while eating some fish thing during same lunch meeting, grip with chopstick was not firm, so fish flew ..in direction of client.
7) while eating chicken, chicken flew...in direction of boss.
8)spat out horrible tasting desert (reflex action) because it didn't sit well with my tastebuds. but this one not so bad coz boss proceeded to do the same. it was that bad.
just to name a few. of course there are the usual trippings over imaginary pop up tiles, walking into walls/doors (latest was to walk into a man riding a bike causing him to lose balance) and walking into the gents only to realise after a full minute etc etc. of course according to murphy's law...i had to be embarassed before the boss and some other colleagues. needless to say, i'm gained a certain level of notoriety for said occurrences despite being a ROOKIE.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
from perfect ten to class 95 to gold 90.5
the subject title is indicative of the ageing process. no , i'm NOT at gold 90.5. i basically don't do radio. so i'm ageless.
my brother started secondary one not too long ago. which school..don't ask. most of my friends know i have an emnity against that school such that i actually stopped talking to him for awhile when he defied my wishes. another point altogether. but then again considering the best sch i wanted him to go to only took in girls...he didn't have many choices.
when he talks about school work and rambles off incessantly in his half baked pre puberty voice, provoking my thoughts to scramble for the answers i thought i once knew, the reality that its been at least a decade since mgs hit me hard.
it felt so fresh in my memory. i guess i still feel young. or maybe because i'm still very in touch (considerably) with the people i grew up with. yes, dear friends, we've made it through a tumultuous decade. the 90s, when i grew up as a gawky awkward teenager was so 'yesterday'. today's young sings a different tune that to me is completely out of tune. mine was a cool generation, a class of its own.those now, mere copycats doing a bad job even just copying. in my humble opinion of course.
yesterday's memories, despite being yesterday are well logged in the throes of my memory. yes, sometimes some of you think i have alzheimer's or its equivalent. i call it selective amnesia instead. but oh my gosh, did time really slip through just like that?
apparently so. call me slow but i can't get over this. yes, my phobia of time slipping away insidiously has reared its ugly head again and this year i'm even eligible to sing the '24 oceans' song by switchfoot !
with the prerogative of hindsight, i suddenly realise how very blessed i've been. even more so than i originally thought.that truly, God has been so faithful and awesome. now i suddenly see that the journey he brought me through was not in vain. and in His infinite wisdom, he didn't even waste a single tear i shed and protected me even when i was naive and plain stupid. my only regret is that ..yes..i wasted alot of precious time and opportunities. but i'll leave those regrets in the dust and be more forward looking.
did i really live through all that? apparently so. as i mentally go through the snapshots of life etched in my memory, i cannot believe that i once was that teenager. that girl who was so guileless, blur and trusting. not that i'm a cynic today (at least not a full fledged one) but so much has evolved. while the pruning process has been often painful, i'm glad it bore fruit. i look at the people i've left behind in the dust of memories, the friendships that were once so tight but have have since dissolved due to lack of maintenance.
i'm thankful that i still have many. and my friends , well most anyway have standards. that we haven't compromised and been sucked too far into materialism and all other forms of idolatory. mei ling would know what i mean..and that i'm thankful that when we even come close, one of us would pull us back.
all in all, i'm glad lah. i hope that 10 years from now, when i look back and 'oh my gosh' about how much time has elapsed while i lived life, i'll have sweeter victories and the same old people to reminisce with. and we'll still be going from glory to glory with the same God.
**
trivia:
one friend remarked that she particularly remembered the first thing i said to her.
apparently on the first day of class, my teacher told us to turn around and introduce yourself to your neighbour. and all i said to her was "err...i need to shit"
its hard to forget me. just as its hard to remember me for the right reasons.
my brother started secondary one not too long ago. which school..don't ask. most of my friends know i have an emnity against that school such that i actually stopped talking to him for awhile when he defied my wishes. another point altogether. but then again considering the best sch i wanted him to go to only took in girls...he didn't have many choices.
when he talks about school work and rambles off incessantly in his half baked pre puberty voice, provoking my thoughts to scramble for the answers i thought i once knew, the reality that its been at least a decade since mgs hit me hard.
it felt so fresh in my memory. i guess i still feel young. or maybe because i'm still very in touch (considerably) with the people i grew up with. yes, dear friends, we've made it through a tumultuous decade. the 90s, when i grew up as a gawky awkward teenager was so 'yesterday'. today's young sings a different tune that to me is completely out of tune. mine was a cool generation, a class of its own.those now, mere copycats doing a bad job even just copying. in my humble opinion of course.
yesterday's memories, despite being yesterday are well logged in the throes of my memory. yes, sometimes some of you think i have alzheimer's or its equivalent. i call it selective amnesia instead. but oh my gosh, did time really slip through just like that?
apparently so. call me slow but i can't get over this. yes, my phobia of time slipping away insidiously has reared its ugly head again and this year i'm even eligible to sing the '24 oceans' song by switchfoot !
with the prerogative of hindsight, i suddenly realise how very blessed i've been. even more so than i originally thought.that truly, God has been so faithful and awesome. now i suddenly see that the journey he brought me through was not in vain. and in His infinite wisdom, he didn't even waste a single tear i shed and protected me even when i was naive and plain stupid. my only regret is that ..yes..i wasted alot of precious time and opportunities. but i'll leave those regrets in the dust and be more forward looking.
did i really live through all that? apparently so. as i mentally go through the snapshots of life etched in my memory, i cannot believe that i once was that teenager. that girl who was so guileless, blur and trusting. not that i'm a cynic today (at least not a full fledged one) but so much has evolved. while the pruning process has been often painful, i'm glad it bore fruit. i look at the people i've left behind in the dust of memories, the friendships that were once so tight but have have since dissolved due to lack of maintenance.
i'm thankful that i still have many. and my friends , well most anyway have standards. that we haven't compromised and been sucked too far into materialism and all other forms of idolatory. mei ling would know what i mean..and that i'm thankful that when we even come close, one of us would pull us back.
all in all, i'm glad lah. i hope that 10 years from now, when i look back and 'oh my gosh' about how much time has elapsed while i lived life, i'll have sweeter victories and the same old people to reminisce with. and we'll still be going from glory to glory with the same God.
**
trivia:
one friend remarked that she particularly remembered the first thing i said to her.
apparently on the first day of class, my teacher told us to turn around and introduce yourself to your neighbour. and all i said to her was "err...i need to shit"
its hard to forget me. just as its hard to remember me for the right reasons.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
yoda day
sometimes (actually more often than i'll like to admit ) , i wished to God that i was prettier. I had a very bad habit of marvelling at how some girls can be so beautifully sculpted and I often derogatorily joked that after God made them, He tired out because of how much detail He had to pay and just moulded me with His eyes closed.
What a terrible and disrespectful joke on hindsight!
The world has taught me in the past 2 over decades that my measure of worth is not about who I am but how i look, what i acheive etc. As a result, I've never had a healthy esteem of myself and to this day, I struggle with that. I cannot cope with too much attention of any kind even if its dressed up with compliments because i just cannot bask and shine in it confidently. I shy away into oblivion because i feel safe knowing my flaws will not be exposed there.
Over the years, as the Lord patiently dealt with me, i struggled with not letting my esteem not be tied to any man. and let it rest solely and purposefully on the living reality that i'm accepted and considered to be a rare beauty, one of a kind in this world to the only one who will ever truly matter. I've also been very blessed with a man of God whom i've chosen to spend the rest of my life with who can see beauty in my button bridgeless nose and fat cheeks. Despite saying that i look like yoda when i'm sick, i know deep down, my soul never knitted more closely with another and will never again.
So while i found myself in secret envy of a pretty one i chanced upon especially on a day when i looked like yoda, the Lord brought me to repentance and instead turned my prayer into thanksgiving for what i am by the grace of God and for His face to shine upon mine...just so the world will know He lives, through me.
He never fails to make me feel beautiful. and for that, im grateful. I pray that i'll truly see beauty in every individual from now on and make them feel beautiful.
**
i was also reminded of the time i baked ugly but delicious strawberry cakes with shuxin one night from 12 am to 4am. and we called it '' beauty is skindeep"
What a terrible and disrespectful joke on hindsight!
The world has taught me in the past 2 over decades that my measure of worth is not about who I am but how i look, what i acheive etc. As a result, I've never had a healthy esteem of myself and to this day, I struggle with that. I cannot cope with too much attention of any kind even if its dressed up with compliments because i just cannot bask and shine in it confidently. I shy away into oblivion because i feel safe knowing my flaws will not be exposed there.
Over the years, as the Lord patiently dealt with me, i struggled with not letting my esteem not be tied to any man. and let it rest solely and purposefully on the living reality that i'm accepted and considered to be a rare beauty, one of a kind in this world to the only one who will ever truly matter. I've also been very blessed with a man of God whom i've chosen to spend the rest of my life with who can see beauty in my button bridgeless nose and fat cheeks. Despite saying that i look like yoda when i'm sick, i know deep down, my soul never knitted more closely with another and will never again.
So while i found myself in secret envy of a pretty one i chanced upon especially on a day when i looked like yoda, the Lord brought me to repentance and instead turned my prayer into thanksgiving for what i am by the grace of God and for His face to shine upon mine...just so the world will know He lives, through me.
He never fails to make me feel beautiful. and for that, im grateful. I pray that i'll truly see beauty in every individual from now on and make them feel beautiful.
**
i was also reminded of the time i baked ugly but delicious strawberry cakes with shuxin one night from 12 am to 4am. and we called it '' beauty is skindeep"
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
buried
when i get obsessed, i'm really obsessed.
duh.
the insatiable kaypoh inside me needs to know everything possible once a particular topic catches my interest. so, to add to my collection of biographies/autobiographies of people i'm deeply interested about...i've been buried in selwyn hughes' '' my story''.
till i climb out of the pages, this blog will prob lay collecting dust. a lot of dust. its a very thick book lor.
this part really struck a chord with me :
"i think i shall always remember this difficult and black period with a kind of joy that i could not have believed possible. For during that time I learned invaluable things that have made me a better person. I knew there would be other lessons I would need to learn up ahead, but for now I had learned that life is all about letting go-letting go of those things that hinder the Spirit' work and laying hold of Christ's empowerment. I had learned how to let go of self-dependency, how to let go of children, how to let go of friends and neighbours, how to let go of the single life, how to let go of tthe work and efforts of one's hands, how to let go of churches...and, someday, I would learn how to let go of life itself"
-Selwyn Hughes
a man of God, ''giant of faith"
i really admire this man. who had a fierce passion for souls, great love for God above all who refused to stay down and had an indefatigable spirit that weathered the storms of life that brought about the losses of family members which included his beloved wife.
duh.
the insatiable kaypoh inside me needs to know everything possible once a particular topic catches my interest. so, to add to my collection of biographies/autobiographies of people i'm deeply interested about...i've been buried in selwyn hughes' '' my story''.
till i climb out of the pages, this blog will prob lay collecting dust. a lot of dust. its a very thick book lor.
this part really struck a chord with me :
"i think i shall always remember this difficult and black period with a kind of joy that i could not have believed possible. For during that time I learned invaluable things that have made me a better person. I knew there would be other lessons I would need to learn up ahead, but for now I had learned that life is all about letting go-letting go of those things that hinder the Spirit' work and laying hold of Christ's empowerment. I had learned how to let go of self-dependency, how to let go of children, how to let go of friends and neighbours, how to let go of the single life, how to let go of tthe work and efforts of one's hands, how to let go of churches...and, someday, I would learn how to let go of life itself"
-Selwyn Hughes
a man of God, ''giant of faith"
i really admire this man. who had a fierce passion for souls, great love for God above all who refused to stay down and had an indefatigable spirit that weathered the storms of life that brought about the losses of family members which included his beloved wife.
Monday, January 01, 2007
01/01/2007
we've crossed over to 2007!
this marks a major milestone in my life because really for once, i'm so looking forward to the future despite the gloom and doom that seems to hang over our skies. for once, i broke the yearly tradition of cowering under my blanket on the eve of three impt events( my bday, christmas and new year).
i've always had this phobia of time passing. i get extremely sentimental and upset when i look back and see the little i've achieved. how i've often wasted my time..i'm very big on numbering my days and making them count, especially for Jesus and so far, for the past twenty over years,most of the time i look back in regret. i look back so far i often forget to look forward.
this year, i'm truly excited and filled with hope. maybe because i feel like i've scaled a moutain in 2006, probably one of my most difficult years and made it alive. on dec 31, as i stood before the throne of God, i just heartily sang my praises to Him to testify that i am standing and He is my victory. i know many times i felt like i couldn't possibly survive 2006 for a myriad of reasons but yesterday, i felt truly triumphant. i was on top of the mountain hailing God as my king and giving Him the glory and watching my enemies lick the dust off the ground in defeat.
they've sought to destroy me . this year, i'll launch the offensive and seek to destroy them and theirs. this year, i look forward to more gifts coming into maturity. few know what i'm talking about but i'm keeping them under wraps until the time comes. i'm excited and i want to use whatever i've been blessed with for the purposes of God. otherwise, i'll have lived not just 2006 but all my 23 years in vain. i look forward to certain dreams being fulfilled but most importantly, i've laid many dreams to rest. they've laid dead but i do not mourn, for they were not of God anyway. this year, as i dive deeper into intimacy with my Lord and king, i leave my dreams behind in the dearth of the earth and allow Him to script more beautiful ones for me and my loved ones to marvel at.
there's so much i wanto achieve and but this time, not a single one without Him. i'll let Him consume me this year while i fade myself into oblivion. i don't care about scaling greater heights in my career and acquiring more shoes/bags/dresses this year. afterall, i've already got the most beautiful garment of righteousness that money cannot buy. this year, i plan to add to that collection and just seek God for the cloak of humility. the rest, can really wait.
after having been prostrate with my face in the ground, i'm ready to arise and soar with Him beneath my wings. towards the sun.i'm eager to learn more about His love and walk in His ways. i'm not going to go ahead first and them later ask Him to bless and prosper my mistakes. after so many years, no matter how wisdom took to seep into my being, i'm learning to allow him to take the lead...or in the words of carrie underwood, ''take the wheel''. (someone shd play that song when i next take my driving test)
i'll shine so bright and love so hard so that world will know i'm His. i'll still fight my battles. but this time i'll fight under the banner of love-His banner. i look foward to taking on more of His likeness. its time to retire the old general in me but let the king of kings and lord of lords do it His style, His way.
this marks a major milestone in my life because really for once, i'm so looking forward to the future despite the gloom and doom that seems to hang over our skies. for once, i broke the yearly tradition of cowering under my blanket on the eve of three impt events( my bday, christmas and new year).
i've always had this phobia of time passing. i get extremely sentimental and upset when i look back and see the little i've achieved. how i've often wasted my time..i'm very big on numbering my days and making them count, especially for Jesus and so far, for the past twenty over years,most of the time i look back in regret. i look back so far i often forget to look forward.
this year, i'm truly excited and filled with hope. maybe because i feel like i've scaled a moutain in 2006, probably one of my most difficult years and made it alive. on dec 31, as i stood before the throne of God, i just heartily sang my praises to Him to testify that i am standing and He is my victory. i know many times i felt like i couldn't possibly survive 2006 for a myriad of reasons but yesterday, i felt truly triumphant. i was on top of the mountain hailing God as my king and giving Him the glory and watching my enemies lick the dust off the ground in defeat.
they've sought to destroy me . this year, i'll launch the offensive and seek to destroy them and theirs. this year, i look forward to more gifts coming into maturity. few know what i'm talking about but i'm keeping them under wraps until the time comes. i'm excited and i want to use whatever i've been blessed with for the purposes of God. otherwise, i'll have lived not just 2006 but all my 23 years in vain. i look forward to certain dreams being fulfilled but most importantly, i've laid many dreams to rest. they've laid dead but i do not mourn, for they were not of God anyway. this year, as i dive deeper into intimacy with my Lord and king, i leave my dreams behind in the dearth of the earth and allow Him to script more beautiful ones for me and my loved ones to marvel at.
there's so much i wanto achieve and but this time, not a single one without Him. i'll let Him consume me this year while i fade myself into oblivion. i don't care about scaling greater heights in my career and acquiring more shoes/bags/dresses this year. afterall, i've already got the most beautiful garment of righteousness that money cannot buy. this year, i plan to add to that collection and just seek God for the cloak of humility. the rest, can really wait.
after having been prostrate with my face in the ground, i'm ready to arise and soar with Him beneath my wings. towards the sun.i'm eager to learn more about His love and walk in His ways. i'm not going to go ahead first and them later ask Him to bless and prosper my mistakes. after so many years, no matter how wisdom took to seep into my being, i'm learning to allow him to take the lead...or in the words of carrie underwood, ''take the wheel''. (someone shd play that song when i next take my driving test)
i'll shine so bright and love so hard so that world will know i'm His. i'll still fight my battles. but this time i'll fight under the banner of love-His banner. i look foward to taking on more of His likeness. its time to retire the old general in me but let the king of kings and lord of lords do it His style, His way.
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