i used a blackmarker to color my hair in the photo. which explains the black patch
Sunday, October 30, 2005
backtrack..the other things i found in my drawer
i used a blackmarker to color my hair in the photo. which explains the black patch
neoprints
sorry about the fuzzy picture. i just dinno how to use MY camera. love the pic on top row, 2nd from left.its funny how i always find something else when i am actually looking for something else.
things like that only happen to people with messy rooms.
was ransacking my room and drawers looking for a card and i found a whole packet of neoprints from a time long long ago. and i was going thru them one by one...its amazing hwo the colors are still so good.
i found myself laughing out loud over almost everything and sighing intermittently...i found the 'me' that i used to be all over again. the giggly giggly AND giggly me. i WAS such a comic and it was so clear in the neoprints. unlike now, i'm all sophisticated and serious. =)
my favorite neoprint friends were winnie, adelene, mei ling and cali. God knows how much we spent on those machinesthat just go 'haik chee zee' every 2 seconds. God knows why we did what we did and found it addictive. maybe we secretly allt hink we look good lah and we din have hp cameras or digi cams to tote around. afterall, it was THAT long ago. and honestly, i think we looked fantabulous. it was picture after picture of joy and craziness (the good kind) and fun and laughter. no make up, no fancy clothes, just us and our uniforms and genuine smiles.
maybe we should recreate those moments again someday.
btw, my favorite neoprint (as of today) is the one with mei ling and cali..but only my face can be seen. haha.blame it on the small screens...i was trying to pose as a cow and in that few seconds, unknowingly blocked out cali's face.mei ling escaped though. just by an inch. oops. not because of my fat cheeks ....i don't remember them being very happy about that shot.(above)
Friday, October 28, 2005
she is back!!!
this is going to be a long post...
i know so because 1) i havent blogged since so long ago 2) so much has happened!!
yesterday i had a meeting with my director. for the unintiated, i've been holding the little fort (literally) on my own for awhile since my trainer left and its been daunting, crazy, confusing all at the same time. at least for the first few days but things are MUCH better now. although i still encounter technical difficulties here and there and in general...difficulty everywhere.
anyway, back to the meeting. i never thought it'd happen coz she seemed so busy and i din think i was important enough. yes, just the two of us forthe meeting coz i was supposed to tell her whether i wanted to continue working with her. yes, and that called for a meeting. in the nice meeting room.
anyway, really really, back to the meeting. i was so touched halfway through i was trying to hold back my tears because i realised how awesome how awesome God has been to me and caught a slight glimpse of His favor upon my life. and nothing i've earned or done to deserve it really...infact, i din even mention it once in confessions or whatever, i wondered if i even truly believed it. however, of late, especially during the last two weeks beforei entered the job, i've been enjoying a more intimate walk with God and gosh, i just pray our relationship deepens so much i can't tell the difference between me and Him.
found out in the meeting that i was selected out of 100 over applicants even though i was the least qualified in every true sense of the word. infact, the management was really apprehensive about hiring me because i had ZERO experience, an irrelevant degree and i appeared so nervous and mousey. but this director (praise God for her) decided on me simply because, (in her own words) that she really liked me. it wazznt an official criteria to hire someone on most HR policies but fortunately,its the general hidden invisible guiding principle of almost every employer. that's where my Father works His power, directing the heart of kings. there and then, i was so overwhelmed by God's love that He chose simple empty me to shower so much favor upon..so much so that my director had to insist to hire me and offer me a chance to learn in this big world. most were supposed to go thru three interviews but i ended upwith only two...in the words of my boss if i may quote her "you entered via the backdoor and got the job"
of coz, i didn't know these things until yesterday.
i am really just me but He is really awesome. i cannot boast about anything because i know the pit from which i was dug from. and i saw what He did inspite of my apparent lack. i wanto be so empty that Jesus will be all i carry on the inside of me. i want that more than ever these days and i'm sure its not just because of the tremendous amount of favour and grace i've experienced in the work place.
some days i just have the impulse to run off to the toilet and cry (except that i have no time to) because i feel so stupid and helpless in a position which is above what i can do in the natural but His sweet comfort was there to wrap me up and bind up the little self-inflicted wounds on my self esteem. His arms were there to hold and embrace me when i am so down and weary i felt like i was falling into an abyss. no matter what, where i go, Hez there and His presence has never been so tangible i'm almost sure people around me felt it.
i might never ever have enough time when the activities of life consume my time and leave me with so little but my prayer is that i'll never not have enough time to spend at His feet and testify of His goodness that dissolves me into sheer nothingness. even in this little space, i hope someone was encouraged. because i've been discouraged only too often to know how horrid that feels. because i've felt forgotten and believed the lie that i'm nobody to everybody only to realise the truth in shame that i'm somebody to God.
thanks for the prayers, the encouragement and most of all the love. a lot of what I am today is crafted by your prayers. and i wanto return the favour...allow me to pray for you. just drop me a msg to let me know.
i know so because 1) i havent blogged since so long ago 2) so much has happened!!
yesterday i had a meeting with my director. for the unintiated, i've been holding the little fort (literally) on my own for awhile since my trainer left and its been daunting, crazy, confusing all at the same time. at least for the first few days but things are MUCH better now. although i still encounter technical difficulties here and there and in general...difficulty everywhere.
anyway, back to the meeting. i never thought it'd happen coz she seemed so busy and i din think i was important enough. yes, just the two of us forthe meeting coz i was supposed to tell her whether i wanted to continue working with her. yes, and that called for a meeting. in the nice meeting room.
anyway, really really, back to the meeting. i was so touched halfway through i was trying to hold back my tears because i realised how awesome how awesome God has been to me and caught a slight glimpse of His favor upon my life. and nothing i've earned or done to deserve it really...infact, i din even mention it once in confessions or whatever, i wondered if i even truly believed it. however, of late, especially during the last two weeks beforei entered the job, i've been enjoying a more intimate walk with God and gosh, i just pray our relationship deepens so much i can't tell the difference between me and Him.
found out in the meeting that i was selected out of 100 over applicants even though i was the least qualified in every true sense of the word. infact, the management was really apprehensive about hiring me because i had ZERO experience, an irrelevant degree and i appeared so nervous and mousey. but this director (praise God for her) decided on me simply because, (in her own words) that she really liked me. it wazznt an official criteria to hire someone on most HR policies but fortunately,its the general hidden invisible guiding principle of almost every employer. that's where my Father works His power, directing the heart of kings. there and then, i was so overwhelmed by God's love that He chose simple empty me to shower so much favor upon..so much so that my director had to insist to hire me and offer me a chance to learn in this big world. most were supposed to go thru three interviews but i ended upwith only two...in the words of my boss if i may quote her "you entered via the backdoor and got the job"
of coz, i didn't know these things until yesterday.
i am really just me but He is really awesome. i cannot boast about anything because i know the pit from which i was dug from. and i saw what He did inspite of my apparent lack. i wanto be so empty that Jesus will be all i carry on the inside of me. i want that more than ever these days and i'm sure its not just because of the tremendous amount of favour and grace i've experienced in the work place.
some days i just have the impulse to run off to the toilet and cry (except that i have no time to) because i feel so stupid and helpless in a position which is above what i can do in the natural but His sweet comfort was there to wrap me up and bind up the little self-inflicted wounds on my self esteem. His arms were there to hold and embrace me when i am so down and weary i felt like i was falling into an abyss. no matter what, where i go, Hez there and His presence has never been so tangible i'm almost sure people around me felt it.
i might never ever have enough time when the activities of life consume my time and leave me with so little but my prayer is that i'll never not have enough time to spend at His feet and testify of His goodness that dissolves me into sheer nothingness. even in this little space, i hope someone was encouraged. because i've been discouraged only too often to know how horrid that feels. because i've felt forgotten and believed the lie that i'm nobody to everybody only to realise the truth in shame that i'm somebody to God.
thanks for the prayers, the encouragement and most of all the love. a lot of what I am today is crafted by your prayers. and i wanto return the favour...allow me to pray for you. just drop me a msg to let me know.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
philippians 4:6-7 (the message)
" don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life"
Sunday, October 16, 2005
lesson two and day one.
lesson two today was super tiring but went by just as fast. i wazznt good with my turns so the instructor made me do nothing but turns. but this time in the heavy heavy rain. i was so cold and wet and his slow drawl din help. i really wanted to be home sleeping.
driving really takes so much out of me. time money energy...i feel so exhausted after a 100 minute session and it darzen help at all that my speed is like barely past 0 km/hr.
had theory lessons with jo that day and it was just as boring. i felt my heading finding its way to just rest on the table and it took alot of dicipline just to sit upright. it felt like being in jc coz jo and i were always down on the table sleeping ever so often. and she sat right beside me back then too. now, many (many) mths later(12x4 or is it 12x5?), we're back where we were. i think its quite divine. its either we're meant to fall asleep in classes together or the sleeping anointing is extra strong when we're both around. ah well...
ramble ramble.
first day of work tmr and i'm pretty excited. i can't imagine how excited my father God must be as his daughter prepares to march into a big adult world. i'll hide behind the shepherd as he clears the way. i really need so much grace and i so know where i stand as i'm the least qualified.(or so my employers tell me but oh well, Jesus is my qualification for heaven so this shd not be a prob at all). im excited for HIs grace to be actualised in my life if the position is from Him. its a one mth strict probation thingy so things will only be finalised after this mth. so pls remember me in your prayers....
i guess its only when you are asked to do things you have no inkling about and inexperienced with that God can truly come in full force coz u're as helpless as a lamb. it will so totally be the case for me tmr. i have 1.5 days of orientation before i'm required to learn everything in a mth and perform like a pro (somewhat). and may the blood of the lamb cover my blurness and tracks. shield me with mercy and favor and guide and lead me every single step of the way and anoint my tongue and grant me wisdom liberally.
phew.
driving really takes so much out of me. time money energy...i feel so exhausted after a 100 minute session and it darzen help at all that my speed is like barely past 0 km/hr.
had theory lessons with jo that day and it was just as boring. i felt my heading finding its way to just rest on the table and it took alot of dicipline just to sit upright. it felt like being in jc coz jo and i were always down on the table sleeping ever so often. and she sat right beside me back then too. now, many (many) mths later(12x4 or is it 12x5?), we're back where we were. i think its quite divine. its either we're meant to fall asleep in classes together or the sleeping anointing is extra strong when we're both around. ah well...
ramble ramble.
first day of work tmr and i'm pretty excited. i can't imagine how excited my father God must be as his daughter prepares to march into a big adult world. i'll hide behind the shepherd as he clears the way. i really need so much grace and i so know where i stand as i'm the least qualified.(or so my employers tell me but oh well, Jesus is my qualification for heaven so this shd not be a prob at all). im excited for HIs grace to be actualised in my life if the position is from Him. its a one mth strict probation thingy so things will only be finalised after this mth. so pls remember me in your prayers....
i guess its only when you are asked to do things you have no inkling about and inexperienced with that God can truly come in full force coz u're as helpless as a lamb. it will so totally be the case for me tmr. i have 1.5 days of orientation before i'm required to learn everything in a mth and perform like a pro (somewhat). and may the blood of the lamb cover my blurness and tracks. shield me with mercy and favor and guide and lead me every single step of the way and anoint my tongue and grant me wisdom liberally.
phew.
my adventures.
i hate the thoughts of unease and stress that are assaulting my mind right now.i want them to go away and let the peace of God flood in so i can sleep.its sunday and i have to wake up early for church and i have driving (lesson TWO) after that.i need my sleep.
go away thoughts go away.
i think too much. i worry to much...in advance. and i'm trying to grapple with the inability to be at rest in my heart and soul.
had quite an eventful saturday. because i had my first practical driving lesson.
the instructor din think much of me and my driving potential anytime soon and i don't blame him. i somehow couldn't brake/accelerate gently enough and resulting in alot of shocks and jerking forwards. his blood pressure shot up and down and i found myself apologizing profusely ever so often. i was screaming alot in the car also out of sheer anxiety and panic. i cannot turn properly even after 1000 tries. i made him laugh so hard he was almost in tears.
i ask questions like "WHY IS THE CAR NOT MOVING?!?!" only to receive this reply..." BECAUSE YOU"RE STEPPING ON THE BRAKE!!"
and "AHHH WHY IS THE CAR GOING SO FAST!?" only to hear him say (with much exasperation), " hello, you're at 30km/hr lor".
he had one hand holding on to the handle above his seat and the other ON MY steering wheel helping me steer as i try to steer. each time i shriek, he jumps.
pray for me pls. i so do not have the courage to hit the roads. but i don't wanto spend forever in the circuit.
go away thoughts go away.
i think too much. i worry to much...in advance. and i'm trying to grapple with the inability to be at rest in my heart and soul.
had quite an eventful saturday. because i had my first practical driving lesson.
the instructor din think much of me and my driving potential anytime soon and i don't blame him. i somehow couldn't brake/accelerate gently enough and resulting in alot of shocks and jerking forwards. his blood pressure shot up and down and i found myself apologizing profusely ever so often. i was screaming alot in the car also out of sheer anxiety and panic. i cannot turn properly even after 1000 tries. i made him laugh so hard he was almost in tears.
i ask questions like "WHY IS THE CAR NOT MOVING?!?!" only to receive this reply..." BECAUSE YOU"RE STEPPING ON THE BRAKE!!"
and "AHHH WHY IS THE CAR GOING SO FAST!?" only to hear him say (with much exasperation), " hello, you're at 30km/hr lor".
he had one hand holding on to the handle above his seat and the other ON MY steering wheel helping me steer as i try to steer. each time i shriek, he jumps.
pray for me pls. i so do not have the courage to hit the roads. but i don't wanto spend forever in the circuit.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Saturday, October 08, 2005
saturday
isaac and i went shopping at tecman today and chalked up more than a hundred bux of purchases. after discount.after alot of restrain.
went over to mei ling's place last night to watch cold case because she taped it for me last week when i went for wedding. after the show i sorta joined her for dinner. i refused initially den later helped myself to half a bowl of rice. but i din go beyond that!otherwise the rest of hte family will have nothing to eat....
and i'm still thinking abt the tomato chicken and fish. today.
went over to mei ling's place last night to watch cold case because she taped it for me last week when i went for wedding. after the show i sorta joined her for dinner. i refused initially den later helped myself to half a bowl of rice. but i din go beyond that!otherwise the rest of hte family will have nothing to eat....
and i'm still thinking abt the tomato chicken and fish. today.
Friday, October 07, 2005
in a nutshell
My computer has been kinda down and its been a challenge for me especially since i always had this inherent IT phobia. yep. i abhor all things technological that don't operate as they ought to and they've managed oh so frequently (IN THE PAST) to drive me to new heights of insanity and threaten to give me more split ends. but i think as of this time, as of last night, i think that phobia is nicely buried (somewhat) in the grave.
been having a rather busy week with truckloads of overdue testimonies and thoughts that i've lost track of and hence can't record. i won't know how to begin anyways.
i finally signed up for driving and am at lesson TWO of basic theory right now. its quite a mean feat for me because i've just never really bothered and a few of my friends can attest to that. i signed up with them 3 years ago and went for a grand total of 1 lesson before donating my 150 bux registration fee to BBDC. so 3 years later, im back there. starting from scratch and this time, by the sheer grace of God granting such a miracle, i'll see it to the end. hopefully i'll get it way sooner than i expected. before my patience runs out yet again...
been wanting to be the 'useful prov 31 gf' to my dear isaac but of coz, i guess its not time for him to reap the harvest of his patient sowing yet. wanted to help him out with some housekeeping stuff now that hez living alone such as laundry so that he can concentrate on the overwhelming schwork. BUT, i arrived at his house, plonked on his bed and never woke up until it was dinner time. needless to say, he did the laundry alone and cleaned everything up alone and had toleave the room to study OUTSIDE because i was sleepin gand the lights had to be off.
sigh.
den today i turned up at BBDC 3 hrs early for my driving lesson because i got the timing wrong. ended up spending 3 hours with Jesus at westmall. but it turned out for good coz i chanced upon 1 chron 17. i am so not an old testament fan and infact, i seldom dare to venture to the unfamiliar texts there for fear that i'll scare myself too much with the cheem everything. but the Lord led me there and i nearly bawled away at westmall's burger king reading the part about God cutting a covenant with David and His goodness towards David just overwhelms me. David really echoed the sentiments of my heart when he asked God who is he that God might show him such great favor and do so so so much for him. all he wanted was to build God a house and God refused and offered to build him a house AND establish his kingdom FOREVER via his seed (Jesus Christ). ah bah.
what really struck me the most was the first few lines when david consulted nathan about building a house for the Lord and nathan told him to do as his heart says so because GOD IS WITH HIM. go figure. that really spoketo me...esp at this particular stage of my life. released me big time from somuch fear of the uncertain ..whcih is just about almost everything.
lastly (and abruptly bcoz my tv show has started), HAPPY BDAE ANNABELLE! ive known you since we were 9 and i'm so glad u're still in my life. wishing you the bestest ...=)
been having a rather busy week with truckloads of overdue testimonies and thoughts that i've lost track of and hence can't record. i won't know how to begin anyways.
i finally signed up for driving and am at lesson TWO of basic theory right now. its quite a mean feat for me because i've just never really bothered and a few of my friends can attest to that. i signed up with them 3 years ago and went for a grand total of 1 lesson before donating my 150 bux registration fee to BBDC. so 3 years later, im back there. starting from scratch and this time, by the sheer grace of God granting such a miracle, i'll see it to the end. hopefully i'll get it way sooner than i expected. before my patience runs out yet again...
been wanting to be the 'useful prov 31 gf' to my dear isaac but of coz, i guess its not time for him to reap the harvest of his patient sowing yet. wanted to help him out with some housekeeping stuff now that hez living alone such as laundry so that he can concentrate on the overwhelming schwork. BUT, i arrived at his house, plonked on his bed and never woke up until it was dinner time. needless to say, he did the laundry alone and cleaned everything up alone and had toleave the room to study OUTSIDE because i was sleepin gand the lights had to be off.
sigh.
den today i turned up at BBDC 3 hrs early for my driving lesson because i got the timing wrong. ended up spending 3 hours with Jesus at westmall. but it turned out for good coz i chanced upon 1 chron 17. i am so not an old testament fan and infact, i seldom dare to venture to the unfamiliar texts there for fear that i'll scare myself too much with the cheem everything. but the Lord led me there and i nearly bawled away at westmall's burger king reading the part about God cutting a covenant with David and His goodness towards David just overwhelms me. David really echoed the sentiments of my heart when he asked God who is he that God might show him such great favor and do so so so much for him. all he wanted was to build God a house and God refused and offered to build him a house AND establish his kingdom FOREVER via his seed (Jesus Christ). ah bah.
what really struck me the most was the first few lines when david consulted nathan about building a house for the Lord and nathan told him to do as his heart says so because GOD IS WITH HIM. go figure. that really spoketo me...esp at this particular stage of my life. released me big time from somuch fear of the uncertain ..whcih is just about almost everything.
lastly (and abruptly bcoz my tv show has started), HAPPY BDAE ANNABELLE! ive known you since we were 9 and i'm so glad u're still in my life. wishing you the bestest ...=)
Saturday, October 01, 2005
remember to Whom you belong
"i am His, by Him created; I am His, by Him redeemed; I am twice His, by original right and by purchase; I am His, and He will defend me, He will correct me, He will make use of me, He will love me, He will delight in me. I am my Beloved's and no one else possesses either right or power over me, except according to His will. he is mine, and all that is mine is His. All my sin, all my weakness, all my condemnation, all my misery, all my fears, all my shortcomings, I give to Him. They are His. His strength is my strength; His righteousness is my righteousness; His wisdom, His holiness, His salvation is mine and His God is my God. His Father is my Father. His breathren my brethren. And His heaven my home. For I belong to Him, and He is mine."
Kathryn Kulman.
**
last night (early this morning rather) , i was reminded how He was my only friend, my only companion who stood by me through and through from the day i arrived on earth to the day i got saved, through those dark lonely nights with tear-soaked pillows and right through the endless days till where i am today.
Hez been faithful throughout even when i don't see His hand at work. even when i played doubting thomas, even when i forgot whose i am. even when...God there are too many 'even when's. i cried and cried remembering how He held me close as a child that even in my limited understanding, i knew God's name was Jesus and He loved me even when i thought no one else did. afterall, i was skinny, ugly, blur girl.
Jesus loved me even when i couldn't love myself. and He still does now that i'm 22. sometimes acting upon and assuming my own strength, thinking i'm all grown up only to realise i'm horribly wrong. He still corrects me as a Father does to His child and in His correction, i realise, what little i am without Him. I need Him in the big things, the small things the every single little thing. I need Him in my heartbreaks to ease the sorrow and pain. I need Him when i'm joyful because Hez the source itself. I need Him every minute. and Hez always been there. Infact He knew before i knew how much i'd need Him He left for the cross more than 2000 years ago so that He could come in to dwell in me as i walk this earth.
no one , (thankfully) can rob my deep-seated KNOW that Jesus knows me, Jesus loves me even though He knows everythign abt me and was there even before i knew Him as a 4 year old. the years do not diminish His love for me although it diminished my passion for Him as worldly affections have stolen my allegiance and attention. my child-like innocence evaporated and so did my unquestioning faith and trust in my Father. But no one can rob that relationship. because even when i rant and rave and misunderstand and get angry and utter words in anger at Him, even though it hurts and breaks His heart, i am still His and nothing can change that. He had a choice and He chose to love me.chose to see me through chose to want me. and now , i'll forever be glad that i chose Him. I have forgiveness even before i apologize .
i'm so glad He chose to give me an eternal security in the fact that He'll never leave me nor forsake me even though He knew that more often than not, i'll take Him for granted. He chose to give me security and win me over with His ways of love and not to threaten to leave as many couples have been suggested so as not to take each other for granted.i believe the way of Jesus is to give even if there is no chance of returns. afterall, what i can give Him was given BY Him in the first place. i'm glad His affections and love will never change. i'm glad that His love will change me instead.
im so glad.
Kathryn Kulman.
**
last night (early this morning rather) , i was reminded how He was my only friend, my only companion who stood by me through and through from the day i arrived on earth to the day i got saved, through those dark lonely nights with tear-soaked pillows and right through the endless days till where i am today.
Hez been faithful throughout even when i don't see His hand at work. even when i played doubting thomas, even when i forgot whose i am. even when...God there are too many 'even when's. i cried and cried remembering how He held me close as a child that even in my limited understanding, i knew God's name was Jesus and He loved me even when i thought no one else did. afterall, i was skinny, ugly, blur girl.
Jesus loved me even when i couldn't love myself. and He still does now that i'm 22. sometimes acting upon and assuming my own strength, thinking i'm all grown up only to realise i'm horribly wrong. He still corrects me as a Father does to His child and in His correction, i realise, what little i am without Him. I need Him in the big things, the small things the every single little thing. I need Him in my heartbreaks to ease the sorrow and pain. I need Him when i'm joyful because Hez the source itself. I need Him every minute. and Hez always been there. Infact He knew before i knew how much i'd need Him He left for the cross more than 2000 years ago so that He could come in to dwell in me as i walk this earth.
no one , (thankfully) can rob my deep-seated KNOW that Jesus knows me, Jesus loves me even though He knows everythign abt me and was there even before i knew Him as a 4 year old. the years do not diminish His love for me although it diminished my passion for Him as worldly affections have stolen my allegiance and attention. my child-like innocence evaporated and so did my unquestioning faith and trust in my Father. But no one can rob that relationship. because even when i rant and rave and misunderstand and get angry and utter words in anger at Him, even though it hurts and breaks His heart, i am still His and nothing can change that. He had a choice and He chose to love me.chose to see me through chose to want me. and now , i'll forever be glad that i chose Him. I have forgiveness even before i apologize .
i'm so glad He chose to give me an eternal security in the fact that He'll never leave me nor forsake me even though He knew that more often than not, i'll take Him for granted. He chose to give me security and win me over with His ways of love and not to threaten to leave as many couples have been suggested so as not to take each other for granted.i believe the way of Jesus is to give even if there is no chance of returns. afterall, what i can give Him was given BY Him in the first place. i'm glad His affections and love will never change. i'm glad that His love will change me instead.
im so glad.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
the hammer-ray boltz
no obsession with hammers.its just a coincidence
i was in the crowd the day that Jesus died
and as He hung upon the cross
His mother cried
i saw the crown of thorns He wore
and the stripes upon His back
the water and the blood ran out
and then the sky turned black
my mind was filled with anger
my heart was filled with shame
this man brought only healing
who could bring Him pain
why does it seem the strong always vitimize the weak?
and suddenly i found myself standing to my feet
"who nailed him there, this child of peace and mercy?
who nailed Him there, come and face me like a man
who nailed Him there?
and the crowd began to mock me
i cried, "oh my God, i just dont understand"
then i turned and saw the hammer in my hand"
i am just a roman soldier, an ordinary man
i love my wife and children
i do the best i can
how could i have killed Him
there must be someone else
there's got to be an answer
I just can't blame myself.
i nailed Him there, this child of peace and mercy
i nailed Him there
i am the guilty man
i nailed Him there with my sins and my transgressions
I cried
"oh my god, now i understand"
when i turned and saw the hammer in my hand
i was in the crowd the day that Jesus died
and as He hung upon the cross
His mother cried
i saw the crown of thorns He wore
and the stripes upon His back
the water and the blood ran out
and then the sky turned black
my mind was filled with anger
my heart was filled with shame
this man brought only healing
who could bring Him pain
why does it seem the strong always vitimize the weak?
and suddenly i found myself standing to my feet
"who nailed him there, this child of peace and mercy?
who nailed Him there, come and face me like a man
who nailed Him there?
and the crowd began to mock me
i cried, "oh my God, i just dont understand"
then i turned and saw the hammer in my hand"
i am just a roman soldier, an ordinary man
i love my wife and children
i do the best i can
how could i have killed Him
there must be someone else
there's got to be an answer
I just can't blame myself.
i nailed Him there, this child of peace and mercy
i nailed Him there
i am the guilty man
i nailed Him there with my sins and my transgressions
I cried
"oh my god, now i understand"
when i turned and saw the hammer in my hand
Monday, September 26, 2005
out
its been awhile since i blogged and its been (yet) another series of 'evil days' and God's awesome miracles.
i cannot really go into detail but there has been a deluge of stress and despair in my life and a whole army of angels flooding into my life to chase that despair out. i have mighty prayer warriors who stood by me and zac and praying us through the valleys and now that we're halfway up the mountain, soaring on the wings of their prayers, i just wanto offer our very heartfelt gratitude.
and we also had the soldiers of God rendering practical help. every ounce of it is so appreciated. from people completely unrelated to people who hadnt had a clue to whats been going on but happened to feel in their heart to offer help, God has shown Himself strong in His army and i'm so proud and grateful.
truly, even the valley is a terrain of joy and hope when its handed over to the Lord.and He, the covenant keeping God and father is truly faithful. even when we're so shrouded in darkness it blinds our eyes from seeing the prevailing hope and peace. im really enjoying 'body of christ' ministry very much these days especially after recent episodes which nearly saw me snapping and crumblinginto despair. i never understood how practical help could matter so much. i never understood that God enjoys using his church and body to bless each other. until now. i looked too far expecting whimsical signs and wonders from money falling from the sky to well...something just more supernatural.
but i realise the true supernatural happens within the body of christ in the most naturally natural ways. when that love touches you, you just identify it with Jesus even though its carried by a human vessel and its touched me so much and dissolved me to just a puddle of tears.
there are too many people i have to thank. i hope i din miss any out.
we praise the Lord for people like you. God is so pleased with you guys and i know i unmistakenly saw Jesus smiling and radiating in your eyes.
jon, cali, niq, mei ling, ben, ps john, auntie shirley, auntie connie, robin, bernard & joy, ivan & gerry, auntie daljit and uncle chye guan, dr lockhart, my mummy, dr teo, faith and victor,...
can i ever thank you pple enough?
i cannot really go into detail but there has been a deluge of stress and despair in my life and a whole army of angels flooding into my life to chase that despair out. i have mighty prayer warriors who stood by me and zac and praying us through the valleys and now that we're halfway up the mountain, soaring on the wings of their prayers, i just wanto offer our very heartfelt gratitude.
and we also had the soldiers of God rendering practical help. every ounce of it is so appreciated. from people completely unrelated to people who hadnt had a clue to whats been going on but happened to feel in their heart to offer help, God has shown Himself strong in His army and i'm so proud and grateful.
truly, even the valley is a terrain of joy and hope when its handed over to the Lord.and He, the covenant keeping God and father is truly faithful. even when we're so shrouded in darkness it blinds our eyes from seeing the prevailing hope and peace. im really enjoying 'body of christ' ministry very much these days especially after recent episodes which nearly saw me snapping and crumblinginto despair. i never understood how practical help could matter so much. i never understood that God enjoys using his church and body to bless each other. until now. i looked too far expecting whimsical signs and wonders from money falling from the sky to well...something just more supernatural.
but i realise the true supernatural happens within the body of christ in the most naturally natural ways. when that love touches you, you just identify it with Jesus even though its carried by a human vessel and its touched me so much and dissolved me to just a puddle of tears.
there are too many people i have to thank. i hope i din miss any out.
we praise the Lord for people like you. God is so pleased with you guys and i know i unmistakenly saw Jesus smiling and radiating in your eyes.
jon, cali, niq, mei ling, ben, ps john, auntie shirley, auntie connie, robin, bernard & joy, ivan & gerry, auntie daljit and uncle chye guan, dr lockhart, my mummy, dr teo, faith and victor,...
can i ever thank you pple enough?
Friday, September 16, 2005
the hammer holds-bebo norman
a shapeless piece of steel, thats all i claim to be
this hammer pound to give me form, this flame, it melts my dreams
i glow with fire and fury, as im twisted like a vine
my final shape, my final form i'm sure im bound to find
so dream a little, dream for me in hope that i'll remain
and cry a little, cry for me so i can bear the flames
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is untold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
and the water, it cools me gray, and the hurt's subdued somehow
i have my shape, this sharpened point, what is my purpose now?
and the question still remains, what am i to be?
perhaps some perfect piece of art displayed for all to see
so dream a little, dream for me in hopes i'll remain
and cry a little, cry for me so i can bear the flames
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is untold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
the hammer pounds again, but flames i do not feel
this force that drives me, helplessly, through flesh and wood reveals
a burn that burns much deeper, its more than i can stand
the reason for my life is to take the life of a guiltless man
so dream a little, dream for me in hopes i'll remain
and crya little, cry for me so i can bear the pain
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is so bold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they , the hammer holds
this task before me may seem unclear
but it, my maker holds.
this hammer pound to give me form, this flame, it melts my dreams
i glow with fire and fury, as im twisted like a vine
my final shape, my final form i'm sure im bound to find
so dream a little, dream for me in hope that i'll remain
and cry a little, cry for me so i can bear the flames
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is untold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
and the water, it cools me gray, and the hurt's subdued somehow
i have my shape, this sharpened point, what is my purpose now?
and the question still remains, what am i to be?
perhaps some perfect piece of art displayed for all to see
so dream a little, dream for me in hopes i'll remain
and cry a little, cry for me so i can bear the flames
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is untold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
the hammer pounds again, but flames i do not feel
this force that drives me, helplessly, through flesh and wood reveals
a burn that burns much deeper, its more than i can stand
the reason for my life is to take the life of a guiltless man
so dream a little, dream for me in hopes i'll remain
and crya little, cry for me so i can bear the pain
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is so bold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they , the hammer holds
this task before me may seem unclear
but it, my maker holds.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
lamb thoughts
"for all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you. Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom"
Luke 12:30-32
the moment of glory is now. so often, i judge by my physical eye i've lost conciousness to what is happening in the spiritual realm. i need to be attuned to the spiritual especially with regards to myself and my loved ones all over again and see through His eyes and not mine.
the physical is afterall perishable and temporary while the spiritual is eternal and oh so glorious. its only in believing that we see and i need to be there. not just for myself but for so others coz every cubit of faith amounts to much.
sometimes i stand at look at the mountain ranges wondering how i can ever get across until i realise that i can soar on His wings. i can fly so high into the clouds i wun even realise there are mountains. i believe thats wat the Father has for me. and no matter what the terrain is, i'll conquer and go on. His word does not speak in vain so let it be executed with its full power in my life then. i'm ready.
"behold, i will make you into a new threshing sledge with sharp teeth; you shall thresh the mountains and beat them small, and make the hills like chaff."
isaiah 41:15
***
i've been stuck at home lately due to a bad bout of i dun even noe wat illness is that but i dun care. and thanks to the all time high paranoia as a resultin the surge of dengue cases, many concerned friends have urged me to get tested for dengue. so to assuage the many once and for all, i have no dengue. i only have Jesus.
have also been reading up on kathryn kulman. i've always been intrigued by God's choice of her. not that im surprised that God uses the lowly small and well...(add whole list of humble attributes) but she is too unlikely a choice by any measure. i can't explain it and i won't bother.
she has a healing ministry so powerful so huge i can't help but wanto dig up on what exactly she knows and the amazing revelations that sparked off such a tremendous ministry. i covet her spiritual gifts...somewhat. i don't covet the great responsibility it entails but i kinda realised they go hand in hand together so while im getting ready, i'll just well....wait.
so page after page, i scour through interviews and excerpts of her preaching only to realise that she darzen noe that much at all!yes, by today's standards, the amount of revelation that the church today possesses does surpass what she knows. nothing out of the extraordinary i must say and all she really does and reiterates is her COMPLETE YIELDING to the holy spirit. her ministry has a strong emphasis on this member of the trinity and thats all!shez so concious of the ministry of the holy spirit that it pretty much engulfs and epitomizes all that kathryn kulman is/was.
sometimes, its really that simple. but issnt every man's greatest challenge a complete yielding to God and 'thrashing the flesh'? thanks to the 'tree of knowledge of good and evil' that our dear adam and eve consumed, we've been unable ever since to fully trust in His best because we know too much for our own good.we wanto know as much as Him. afterall, the first temptation of the bible really can just be translated to " do u really believe God is that good eventhough He said not to eat from this tree?" or " Hez keeping something from you!aha!".
floating away thanks to the effects of the medication.
selah
Luke 12:30-32
the moment of glory is now. so often, i judge by my physical eye i've lost conciousness to what is happening in the spiritual realm. i need to be attuned to the spiritual especially with regards to myself and my loved ones all over again and see through His eyes and not mine.
the physical is afterall perishable and temporary while the spiritual is eternal and oh so glorious. its only in believing that we see and i need to be there. not just for myself but for so others coz every cubit of faith amounts to much.
sometimes i stand at look at the mountain ranges wondering how i can ever get across until i realise that i can soar on His wings. i can fly so high into the clouds i wun even realise there are mountains. i believe thats wat the Father has for me. and no matter what the terrain is, i'll conquer and go on. His word does not speak in vain so let it be executed with its full power in my life then. i'm ready.
"behold, i will make you into a new threshing sledge with sharp teeth; you shall thresh the mountains and beat them small, and make the hills like chaff."
isaiah 41:15
***
i've been stuck at home lately due to a bad bout of i dun even noe wat illness is that but i dun care. and thanks to the all time high paranoia as a resultin the surge of dengue cases, many concerned friends have urged me to get tested for dengue. so to assuage the many once and for all, i have no dengue. i only have Jesus.
have also been reading up on kathryn kulman. i've always been intrigued by God's choice of her. not that im surprised that God uses the lowly small and well...(add whole list of humble attributes) but she is too unlikely a choice by any measure. i can't explain it and i won't bother.
she has a healing ministry so powerful so huge i can't help but wanto dig up on what exactly she knows and the amazing revelations that sparked off such a tremendous ministry. i covet her spiritual gifts...somewhat. i don't covet the great responsibility it entails but i kinda realised they go hand in hand together so while im getting ready, i'll just well....wait.
so page after page, i scour through interviews and excerpts of her preaching only to realise that she darzen noe that much at all!yes, by today's standards, the amount of revelation that the church today possesses does surpass what she knows. nothing out of the extraordinary i must say and all she really does and reiterates is her COMPLETE YIELDING to the holy spirit. her ministry has a strong emphasis on this member of the trinity and thats all!shez so concious of the ministry of the holy spirit that it pretty much engulfs and epitomizes all that kathryn kulman is/was.
sometimes, its really that simple. but issnt every man's greatest challenge a complete yielding to God and 'thrashing the flesh'? thanks to the 'tree of knowledge of good and evil' that our dear adam and eve consumed, we've been unable ever since to fully trust in His best because we know too much for our own good.we wanto know as much as Him. afterall, the first temptation of the bible really can just be translated to " do u really believe God is that good eventhough He said not to eat from this tree?" or " Hez keeping something from you!aha!".
floating away thanks to the effects of the medication.
selah
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
thank God u're still here.
i've learnt over time not to talk it so hard whenever a friendship evaporates, fades into oblivion or just...in worse scenarios explode because of irreconcilable differences. this is nolonger just a term you see used to validate divorce papers.
i've gone from valuing every single person that strolls into my life to not even blinking when permanent residents (most, not all) leave. and i thought that was a good thing until i realise that i still care deeply.
but it darzen change the fact that theres nothing i can do abt the state of things. i realise i can't communicate with them because of the differences and because neither can compromise..thus is such. we just let loose and let go and well i guess these ex-friends mourn the me they used to have and i simply mourn the demise of the friendship that i've grown to even take for granted. until we realise that either conversations are awkward or that gosh..we get angry with each other all too easily. in one recent scenario, apparently one friend spent somuch time angry with me and i din even realise. well, they say ignorance is bliss....
i guess i'll just celebrate harder and cherish more the ones that God still graciously preserve for me. my heart will always have more than 2cm for these people (read previous post) and i can only hope its mutual.
one day, maybe one day i'll know what happened. because people either refuse to talk or tlak to much and refuse to listen....and because of these reasons, i'll never understand how i hurt them. and i can apologize alll i want but it'll never be enough anyway because they've revoked my citizenship in their hearts.
im way past sad. its not somethign i celebrate but i just cant bring myself to really truly mourn it. a little maybe and i wished things were different but its really not something i can have a say about.i just really wanto grab each and everyone of my precious friends tt i still have now and give them a bear hug.
and im so thankful for them. so thankful for isaac. so thankful for Jesus...that nothing can change these relationships.
my Lord accepts me and sought me out when i was down in the dumps on a one way ticket to hell. and even came to live in me just so we'll never be apart and in the process, suffer humiliation for i've too often unknowingly or wilfully shamed his name and dragged it down in the mud. i'm sorry but i cant imagine why he'd still choose to stay and not regret it. i feel sorry for those people who have judged me together with christianity, together with Jesus. i wish they'll just see Jesus and not see me. but i've got a long more way more to that and i'll be patient with myself in the meantime...
selah
i've gone from valuing every single person that strolls into my life to not even blinking when permanent residents (most, not all) leave. and i thought that was a good thing until i realise that i still care deeply.
but it darzen change the fact that theres nothing i can do abt the state of things. i realise i can't communicate with them because of the differences and because neither can compromise..thus is such. we just let loose and let go and well i guess these ex-friends mourn the me they used to have and i simply mourn the demise of the friendship that i've grown to even take for granted. until we realise that either conversations are awkward or that gosh..we get angry with each other all too easily. in one recent scenario, apparently one friend spent somuch time angry with me and i din even realise. well, they say ignorance is bliss....
i guess i'll just celebrate harder and cherish more the ones that God still graciously preserve for me. my heart will always have more than 2cm for these people (read previous post) and i can only hope its mutual.
one day, maybe one day i'll know what happened. because people either refuse to talk or tlak to much and refuse to listen....and because of these reasons, i'll never understand how i hurt them. and i can apologize alll i want but it'll never be enough anyway because they've revoked my citizenship in their hearts.
im way past sad. its not somethign i celebrate but i just cant bring myself to really truly mourn it. a little maybe and i wished things were different but its really not something i can have a say about.i just really wanto grab each and everyone of my precious friends tt i still have now and give them a bear hug.
and im so thankful for them. so thankful for isaac. so thankful for Jesus...that nothing can change these relationships.
my Lord accepts me and sought me out when i was down in the dumps on a one way ticket to hell. and even came to live in me just so we'll never be apart and in the process, suffer humiliation for i've too often unknowingly or wilfully shamed his name and dragged it down in the mud. i'm sorry but i cant imagine why he'd still choose to stay and not regret it. i feel sorry for those people who have judged me together with christianity, together with Jesus. i wish they'll just see Jesus and not see me. but i've got a long more way more to that and i'll be patient with myself in the meantime...
selah
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
dig your ears
boy: you'll always have a place in my heart....(mumble mumble)
girl: (incredulous) 2 cm?!?!
boy: TO THE END LAH
girl: (incredulous) 2 cm?!?!
boy: TO THE END LAH
Monday, September 05, 2005
contemplative
i miss my friends.i mean my normal sane friends or at least the insane ones whose company i enjoy..because you make me feel sane.
haha.and those who make me feel less like a glutton because u eat more than me.or at least on par.(HELLO MEI LING!HELLO PAM!)
i miss alot of ppl..ppl that i care about. pls call me if u think i care abt u. if u call me and i dun care abt u, pls allow me to break the news to you that i don't care abt u.sorry ah. (Im really kidding!)-i wish-
***
i can't speak much abt how it really is now. sometimes i'm jubilant and floating with hope, other times, i'm weighed down by ...cares. people and etc. sometimes i just need to reorientate and focus again and hang out with people who love me. and stop trying to be everybody's superhero girl.
but im relishing my time spending time with my favourite ones...and favorite ONE. i'm really enjoying His company and love and adoration and blessings. and i know i am not one who is concious abt it consistently and every state of my life and i break his heart being otherwise...
***
alot of promises are coming to past. but theres so much more im awaiting.
***
i really like to sing, i am just not so sure if i like to be heard....
***
im really a different girl today. pls get to know me again and stop presuming assuming and incarcerating me in your little box.
***
i'm re-liking human beings. real ones.
***
my friends computer crashed while trying to update me in his address book. apparently the power of my name "scares all things electronic into submission" if i may quote him.
at present, his address book just insists i don't exist and my info is stored under a name called 'pariah'.
I say, that lousy add book deserves to crash.hmph.pariah your head!
***
when im more coherent, i'll try writing again.
***
haha.and those who make me feel less like a glutton because u eat more than me.or at least on par.(HELLO MEI LING!HELLO PAM!)
i miss alot of ppl..ppl that i care about. pls call me if u think i care abt u. if u call me and i dun care abt u, pls allow me to break the news to you that i don't care abt u.sorry ah. (Im really kidding!)-i wish-
***
i can't speak much abt how it really is now. sometimes i'm jubilant and floating with hope, other times, i'm weighed down by ...cares. people and etc. sometimes i just need to reorientate and focus again and hang out with people who love me. and stop trying to be everybody's superhero girl.
but im relishing my time spending time with my favourite ones...and favorite ONE. i'm really enjoying His company and love and adoration and blessings. and i know i am not one who is concious abt it consistently and every state of my life and i break his heart being otherwise...
***
alot of promises are coming to past. but theres so much more im awaiting.
***
i really like to sing, i am just not so sure if i like to be heard....
***
im really a different girl today. pls get to know me again and stop presuming assuming and incarcerating me in your little box.
***
i'm re-liking human beings. real ones.
***
my friends computer crashed while trying to update me in his address book. apparently the power of my name "scares all things electronic into submission" if i may quote him.
at present, his address book just insists i don't exist and my info is stored under a name called 'pariah'.
I say, that lousy add book deserves to crash.hmph.pariah your head!
***
when im more coherent, i'll try writing again.
***
Friday, September 02, 2005
phew
i'll remember the day as it was.
i woke up feeling slightly tired because of the severe sleep deprivation. i had worked till 10 the last night and had been up since 7 the previous morning. only got to bed at 1 am and i had to literally tumble out of bed to get to work. my last day of work...
i felt a surge of happiness in me and it gave me the impetus i needed to change and get ready. there was a skip in my step that day and i had to resist telling everyone on the bus and mrt that 'its my last day' and try my bestest to hide my jubilation.
but upon reaching the office, seeing my collegues, all that dramatically reversed and i suddenly found myself trying to hold back tears. gosh, i can't believe tt i'd made firm friendships inthe midst of the hectic work schedules and enjoyed the company of my collegues as much as i did. i can't believe tt there were actually that many precious memories created and friendships forged. i'm usually cynical of work related relationships and right there and then, as i looked on at my desk and the gerberra and card left there for me, i was overcome with sadness.
more sweet gestures and words followed.den another card. and a lunch treat. smses from someone who had to take leave...and i was ready to dash to the toilet to cry already.
in the midst of all that work, i had unwittingly touched a heart or two to render those sincere heartfelt thanks and kind words. by the sheer grace of God and that amazing operation of His will in my life. i knew that inspite of it all, joining the company was very much His plan.
as if (which i believe He did) knowing my doubts and questions hurled at Him whenever things went terribly wrong at work, my numerous deja vus seemed to serve as an affirmation that i was meant to be there...that i din stray from His will. that He saw this beforehand. that i'm still safe.
let me explain this as best as i can, Jesus was at the very centre of the father's will when He hung there on the cross carrying my sins becoming sin itself.
i used to think that the job for me will be the job i naturally excel in (which would prob reduce my options to being someone paid to eat), a job i can receive alot of blessings from and by that of coz, imeasure blessings in the form of great favour with collegues and bosses, smooth operation of work or great monetary benefits or just something i'm terribly passionate about. (read: isaac/food/makeup). little did i expect it to come in the package of a job that required me to learn how to handle crises, take so much initiative whenmy boss is handling other crises of her own etc). and strictly learn to follow the spirit so that i wun give more trouble than what is currently on their platter. to learn to work with people whose personalities don't exactly gel very well with me or even completely clash. i didnt expect opportunities to share Jesus, show love and just shine a little warmth into depraved hearts. i din expect the reward to be invisible yet feel so awesome.
"i've got food that you do not know of"..i quote a supposedly physically hungry Jesus who had just given to a woman at the well.
i've been fed well knowing a seed or two or perhaps more has been sown (albeit unwittingly) and hearts have been touched (according to them). i don't think i've done a good job with the job itself due to my severe lack of experience but its been in invaluable lesson that Jesus has brought me through and i'm so glad i allowed myself to go through it.
when i was offered it, i was all to ready to reject Him but i distinctly felt him urging me to take it on. i'm glad i obeyed. most of all, i'm glad my savior obeyed and said yes to the cross on my behalf.
"the sorrow that surrounded you was mine,
but not my will but yours be done you cried
and though your soul was overwhelmed with pain,
obedient to death you overcame"
as i was about to walk through that door for the very last time, a person i least expected any kind words to come out from came forth and somewhat sheepishly came forward and well, by the end of the conversation, i was even more surprised to realise a shaky voice and teary eyes. (not mine).previously rather unsympathetic due to a bad experience,i found myself humbled and so grateful. that inspite of my lack of love and ability to see the big picture, He was right there showing me that my labor of love and well blind obedience did pay off. even if it was so difficult at first to simply 'serve as unto the lord' and carry His name in a cold place, it paid off because someone elses burdens were lifted. i can't believe that silly ol me could be an answer to prayer. someone knows Jesus really cared as a result!
maybe no one sees or fathom the magnitude of this miracle but it is a big deal to me. coz i so did not expect it. and today i finally realised that His hand was at work behind the scenes all the time in my life and i was being used by Him as i wanted to in my own humble way even when i never thought it was possible.
thank you Jesus.
knowing im still in the centre of His willand knowing that Hez right there even when it hurts and thatHe has a better plan beats all the kind words and offers my dear (now ex)collegues made.truly His plan is higher, His way is better and His dreams are grander. and now..i'll go on and await the next chapter to unfurl with a new confidence in my heart that it'll be good. even when my eyes don't see. i'm glad the eyes of faith are open wide right now and may this spiritual sight be sharpened even further.
i woke up feeling slightly tired because of the severe sleep deprivation. i had worked till 10 the last night and had been up since 7 the previous morning. only got to bed at 1 am and i had to literally tumble out of bed to get to work. my last day of work...
i felt a surge of happiness in me and it gave me the impetus i needed to change and get ready. there was a skip in my step that day and i had to resist telling everyone on the bus and mrt that 'its my last day' and try my bestest to hide my jubilation.
but upon reaching the office, seeing my collegues, all that dramatically reversed and i suddenly found myself trying to hold back tears. gosh, i can't believe tt i'd made firm friendships inthe midst of the hectic work schedules and enjoyed the company of my collegues as much as i did. i can't believe tt there were actually that many precious memories created and friendships forged. i'm usually cynical of work related relationships and right there and then, as i looked on at my desk and the gerberra and card left there for me, i was overcome with sadness.
more sweet gestures and words followed.den another card. and a lunch treat. smses from someone who had to take leave...and i was ready to dash to the toilet to cry already.
in the midst of all that work, i had unwittingly touched a heart or two to render those sincere heartfelt thanks and kind words. by the sheer grace of God and that amazing operation of His will in my life. i knew that inspite of it all, joining the company was very much His plan.
as if (which i believe He did) knowing my doubts and questions hurled at Him whenever things went terribly wrong at work, my numerous deja vus seemed to serve as an affirmation that i was meant to be there...that i din stray from His will. that He saw this beforehand. that i'm still safe.
let me explain this as best as i can, Jesus was at the very centre of the father's will when He hung there on the cross carrying my sins becoming sin itself.
i used to think that the job for me will be the job i naturally excel in (which would prob reduce my options to being someone paid to eat), a job i can receive alot of blessings from and by that of coz, imeasure blessings in the form of great favour with collegues and bosses, smooth operation of work or great monetary benefits or just something i'm terribly passionate about. (read: isaac/food/makeup). little did i expect it to come in the package of a job that required me to learn how to handle crises, take so much initiative whenmy boss is handling other crises of her own etc). and strictly learn to follow the spirit so that i wun give more trouble than what is currently on their platter. to learn to work with people whose personalities don't exactly gel very well with me or even completely clash. i didnt expect opportunities to share Jesus, show love and just shine a little warmth into depraved hearts. i din expect the reward to be invisible yet feel so awesome.
"i've got food that you do not know of"..i quote a supposedly physically hungry Jesus who had just given to a woman at the well.
i've been fed well knowing a seed or two or perhaps more has been sown (albeit unwittingly) and hearts have been touched (according to them). i don't think i've done a good job with the job itself due to my severe lack of experience but its been in invaluable lesson that Jesus has brought me through and i'm so glad i allowed myself to go through it.
when i was offered it, i was all to ready to reject Him but i distinctly felt him urging me to take it on. i'm glad i obeyed. most of all, i'm glad my savior obeyed and said yes to the cross on my behalf.
"the sorrow that surrounded you was mine,
but not my will but yours be done you cried
and though your soul was overwhelmed with pain,
obedient to death you overcame"
as i was about to walk through that door for the very last time, a person i least expected any kind words to come out from came forth and somewhat sheepishly came forward and well, by the end of the conversation, i was even more surprised to realise a shaky voice and teary eyes. (not mine).previously rather unsympathetic due to a bad experience,i found myself humbled and so grateful. that inspite of my lack of love and ability to see the big picture, He was right there showing me that my labor of love and well blind obedience did pay off. even if it was so difficult at first to simply 'serve as unto the lord' and carry His name in a cold place, it paid off because someone elses burdens were lifted. i can't believe that silly ol me could be an answer to prayer. someone knows Jesus really cared as a result!
maybe no one sees or fathom the magnitude of this miracle but it is a big deal to me. coz i so did not expect it. and today i finally realised that His hand was at work behind the scenes all the time in my life and i was being used by Him as i wanted to in my own humble way even when i never thought it was possible.
thank you Jesus.
knowing im still in the centre of His willand knowing that Hez right there even when it hurts and thatHe has a better plan beats all the kind words and offers my dear (now ex)collegues made.truly His plan is higher, His way is better and His dreams are grander. and now..i'll go on and await the next chapter to unfurl with a new confidence in my heart that it'll be good. even when my eyes don't see. i'm glad the eyes of faith are open wide right now and may this spiritual sight be sharpened even further.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
above
apparent incongruency
that's the cross on calvary
grace at its fullest
love at its greatest
yet judgment so merciless
leashed out upon one
cruelty so full
evil so dark
but they all meet
at the cross section of divinity and humanity
on that lonesome tree
that dark afternoon on calvary
"earth if chosen instead of heaven will just be a region of hell and if put second to heaven to have been from the beginning a part of heaven itself'' -C. S. Lewis
"if then you were raised with Christ, seek the things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things of the earth." col 3:1
that's the cross on calvary
grace at its fullest
love at its greatest
yet judgment so merciless
leashed out upon one
cruelty so full
evil so dark
but they all meet
at the cross section of divinity and humanity
on that lonesome tree
that dark afternoon on calvary
"earth if chosen instead of heaven will just be a region of hell and if put second to heaven to have been from the beginning a part of heaven itself'' -C. S. Lewis
"if then you were raised with Christ, seek the things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things of the earth." col 3:1
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