Guilty as charged.
Psalm 119:29
"Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your instructions.
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Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
What if Jesus came back tomorrow?
How will I be found?
In the light of all the tragedy happening and the unrest in the Middle East fuelling talk about the Apocolypse, I can't help but wonder if I'd be ready for His return.
'Readify me'. I don't want to be left behind.
In the light of all the tragedy happening and the unrest in the Middle East fuelling talk about the Apocolypse, I can't help but wonder if I'd be ready for His return.
'Readify me'. I don't want to be left behind.
Silencing my worst critic
I don't know how I'm going to get through this week. Heck, I don't even know how I'm going to get through this life.
Feeling so faint and light-headed and sooo sleep deprived. I know I did myself in with my horrible eating habits and have no one but myself to blame. This is lesson #33453345 in healthy living and I still haven't passed the module and graduated.
I bailed on my dentist today. I didn't even cancel the appointment. I went there, EARLY to be informed I'd have to wait. Way past my appointment time because they overscheduled. So I went home and brought lunch to sick husband instead. I haven't seen a dentist in over 2 years and at this rate, it just seems like a classic case of 'not-meant-to-be'.
Last night as I lay awake battling heartburn and acid reflux, I thought about how discontented I am, perenially. And it hit me that perhaps the root of it is that I myself am plagued with a sense of never being good enough. I am prepared to go unnoticed, forgotten and bypassed. Fundamentally, this intrinsic feeling of being not good enough for a job, for people, for life mirrors itself when I start to feel like certain situations etc etc are not good enough for me.
I need to know what is my value and that I can pull the brakes of this quest of perfectionism. I am tired of this never-ending ascend with no peak and no end in sight. It is a ruse to get me distracted from all the blessings I have been endowed with and my pursuit of Jesus. Instead, I get caught up in my own goals (and I have too many unmet) and lead me to strife...with myself.
I don't know how to work this issue out except by prayer. I need to resist the strong temptation of comparing myself to my circle of over-achieving peers. I need to count my blessings and just learn to love myself abit more, one step at a time. I need to forgive myself, for the countless mistakes and errors I've made and for the many more that will come, by virtue of being me.
Feeling so faint and light-headed and sooo sleep deprived. I know I did myself in with my horrible eating habits and have no one but myself to blame. This is lesson #33453345 in healthy living and I still haven't passed the module and graduated.
I bailed on my dentist today. I didn't even cancel the appointment. I went there, EARLY to be informed I'd have to wait. Way past my appointment time because they overscheduled. So I went home and brought lunch to sick husband instead. I haven't seen a dentist in over 2 years and at this rate, it just seems like a classic case of 'not-meant-to-be'.
Last night as I lay awake battling heartburn and acid reflux, I thought about how discontented I am, perenially. And it hit me that perhaps the root of it is that I myself am plagued with a sense of never being good enough. I am prepared to go unnoticed, forgotten and bypassed. Fundamentally, this intrinsic feeling of being not good enough for a job, for people, for life mirrors itself when I start to feel like certain situations etc etc are not good enough for me.
I need to know what is my value and that I can pull the brakes of this quest of perfectionism. I am tired of this never-ending ascend with no peak and no end in sight. It is a ruse to get me distracted from all the blessings I have been endowed with and my pursuit of Jesus. Instead, I get caught up in my own goals (and I have too many unmet) and lead me to strife...with myself.
I don't know how to work this issue out except by prayer. I need to resist the strong temptation of comparing myself to my circle of over-achieving peers. I need to count my blessings and just learn to love myself abit more, one step at a time. I need to forgive myself, for the countless mistakes and errors I've made and for the many more that will come, by virtue of being me.
friends forever..not
In my wildest fantasies, I'd like to have this executed:
To issue you you and you official notice that you are not permitted in my lives in any way. It will be cathartic because my heart journeyed with yours through your valleys only to be ambushed by betrayal and lies during your mountain-top sojourns.
I just want every memory of you you and you obliterated. Because you really are a lousy person. Now I see. I have been blind but now I have the prerogative of hindsight and you are really a lousy person.
Go away. And take your knives on your way out. Stop trying to pretend to be chummy.
Unfortunately, I can only rant here. In my private sphere. And the lousy people in question will never read it. Never know. And I'm too tired to field endless questions/emails/smses of why I seem to be unavailable or start a petty version of world war 3.
**
Really think I'd like to be unavailable more often and let 2011 be the year of Unavailability. After april, I'll be unavailable for baby showers, weddings, birthdays etc. I'll have my own agenda and just be...unavailable and invisible like..vapour.
I'll work hard, play hard , on my own turn, on my own terms. I'll read voraciously, cook like Martha Stewart and make sure my brittle nails turn into iron and never fall off. At the risk of sounding like a certain disgraced pageant queen, I'll let it be more about me and stop fretting or getting upset. I'll let it slide, confront it or forget it. I'll watch The Soong sisters like a thousand times and savour every last bit of Law and Order: Criminal Intent (final season). I'll avoid poisonous influences and purge poisonous people of my life. I'll detox and both physically and spiritually.
And hopefully by 2012, I'll still have friends and people who remember me.
To issue you you and you official notice that you are not permitted in my lives in any way. It will be cathartic because my heart journeyed with yours through your valleys only to be ambushed by betrayal and lies during your mountain-top sojourns.
I just want every memory of you you and you obliterated. Because you really are a lousy person. Now I see. I have been blind but now I have the prerogative of hindsight and you are really a lousy person.
Go away. And take your knives on your way out. Stop trying to pretend to be chummy.
Unfortunately, I can only rant here. In my private sphere. And the lousy people in question will never read it. Never know. And I'm too tired to field endless questions/emails/smses of why I seem to be unavailable or start a petty version of world war 3.
**
Really think I'd like to be unavailable more often and let 2011 be the year of Unavailability. After april, I'll be unavailable for baby showers, weddings, birthdays etc. I'll have my own agenda and just be...unavailable and invisible like..vapour.
I'll work hard, play hard , on my own turn, on my own terms. I'll read voraciously, cook like Martha Stewart and make sure my brittle nails turn into iron and never fall off. At the risk of sounding like a certain disgraced pageant queen, I'll let it be more about me and stop fretting or getting upset. I'll let it slide, confront it or forget it. I'll watch The Soong sisters like a thousand times and savour every last bit of Law and Order: Criminal Intent (final season). I'll avoid poisonous influences and purge poisonous people of my life. I'll detox and both physically and spiritually.
And hopefully by 2012, I'll still have friends and people who remember me.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Defiance and stupidity
So I've got a potential threat of a throat infection bug in close proximity but I went ahead and wolfed down 15 satays.
God save me from gluttony.
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stuck stuck stuck
Nobody seems to want to hire me unless I'm willing to travel at least 50-80% of the time. Apparently, I'm of little use in Singapore alone.
To be honest, I lived to travel and it was hard to think of a life otherwise say, 10 years ago. I want to be an aeroplane, failing which, pilot, failing which....other means of being paid to travel. Now, I'm stuck. Rooted and stuck. I cannot travel because family obligations bound me. I cannot find work that wants me to stay put put put in SG.
Just as well. My heart isn't here either, if not for Isaac.
I need to revisit old places, immerse in a different culture and visit new places all over again.
To be honest, I lived to travel and it was hard to think of a life otherwise say, 10 years ago. I want to be an aeroplane, failing which, pilot, failing which....other means of being paid to travel. Now, I'm stuck. Rooted and stuck. I cannot travel because family obligations bound me. I cannot find work that wants me to stay put put put in SG.
Just as well. My heart isn't here either, if not for Isaac.
I need to revisit old places, immerse in a different culture and visit new places all over again.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Steroids day 2
Side effects: insomnia, euphoria and mania.
Husband thinks I'm quite weirded out. Dancing on the spot. Sleeping at 7 pm buried under pillows then waking up later giggling away and now I'm wide awake unable to sleep.
Just went to sniff him while he is sleeping like a log. Tickle him with my hair n watch him squirm uncomfortably.
Teehee.giggle.
Can you guys hear the marbles??ping pong!
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Thursday, March 17, 2011
Veggie tales
I know God has a plan for me. Just ...WHAT IS IT EXACTLY?-breathes-
Having intense cravings for the following:
Brocoli
Fried Garlic
Sauteed shitake mushrooms
Must be the steroids. Driving me into vegetarianism.
Having intense cravings for the following:
Brocoli
Fried Garlic
Sauteed shitake mushrooms
Must be the steroids. Driving me into vegetarianism.
Puffer Fish
Had dinner with Jacq tonight in what seemed like forever. Glad we did even though it nearly didn't happen.
An hour before meeting her, I had a drink and in the 15 minutes after that drink, the left side of my face was swelling. My gums felt like I had a peanut stuck on them and my vision was obscured by the swelling under my eyes and my cheeks seemed to have grown an inch.
In the waiting room at the doc's, I was swelling faster as the minutes went by. After popping steroids and antihisthamines then did it subside. So I went for dinner AND dessert still swollen and all. We bumped into another friend who exclaimed ''what happened??!!" like 100 times in 5 minutes. I was trying not to distract all the other diners and jacq and its amazing how we got to actually catch up proper inspite of the not-so-pleasing and terribly uncomfortable sight.
And I still don't know what I was allergic to since I've had tea at this outlet like too many times in a lifetime.
Bleah.
Most expensive tea I ever drank. Tea $1.50 + Doctor's fee: $47=heartache.
An hour before meeting her, I had a drink and in the 15 minutes after that drink, the left side of my face was swelling. My gums felt like I had a peanut stuck on them and my vision was obscured by the swelling under my eyes and my cheeks seemed to have grown an inch.
In the waiting room at the doc's, I was swelling faster as the minutes went by. After popping steroids and antihisthamines then did it subside. So I went for dinner AND dessert still swollen and all. We bumped into another friend who exclaimed ''what happened??!!" like 100 times in 5 minutes. I was trying not to distract all the other diners and jacq and its amazing how we got to actually catch up proper inspite of the not-so-pleasing and terribly uncomfortable sight.
And I still don't know what I was allergic to since I've had tea at this outlet like too many times in a lifetime.
Bleah.
Most expensive tea I ever drank. Tea $1.50 + Doctor's fee: $47=heartache.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
The world is awake and soaked in grief and panic
It seems rude and inappropriate to talk about anything else in the light of this catastrophic event. The foundations of the earth are literally being shaken as I type.
By now if you haven't already heard, you are probably living under a rock.
A ginormous 8.9 magnitude earthquake hit Japan causing untold devastation.
In addition to the escalating death toll in Japan itself, many others in countries sitting in affected areas where the plates are busy crashing into each other are unable to sleep in peace tonight. They are either getting ready to evacuate or busy evacuating due to Tsunami warnings. So many lives wrecked, so many precious lives.
I wonder now, what were the last hours like? In Japan, most were spent working (or slaving). It was reported in some less affected areas, some just went back to work. I was surprised to see that in some video footages taken in an office, the employees did not go under the table (which is a normal earthquake safety procedure) but instead tried in vain to salvage items like computers and documents. I wonder really, in that precarious moment as your life is vascilating along with the building you're in between life and death, what is really so important that you can't let go? Perhaps to them, even if they survived the earthquake but lost their life's work (or week's work) , because work has been the all in all in their lives, the sole ruling authority that dictates their thoughts and time, they would be just as good as dead if these were destroyed by the earthquake.
The shakings are so violet I got sick just watching the footages on tv. I see the helplessness in the woman waving for help from her bedroom window, trapped in her house. Elsewhere in Singapore, I see people thronging the IT fair hoarding trolleys strapped with printers and laptops. It's business as usual. For some unknown reason, we have been shielded from so many natural disasters. Our worst brushes with anything remotely catastrophic was the Orchard Road flood on 16 June 2010. (I have a knack for remembering dates, don't ask why). We are so encapsulated and while I thank God for His mercy, I can't help but wonder how many people here who are warm and toasty in their beds tonight stop a think about the fragility of life, the purpose of their being and the victims of this destruction.
Are we too comfortable and sheltered? Perhaps. What would it take to wake us up? If this happened in Singapore, to us, what will our reactions be? Will our lives and priorities be different after that? Will we still stubbornly hold fast to our petty grudges or whine at the tiniest inconvenience?
By now if you haven't already heard, you are probably living under a rock.
A ginormous 8.9 magnitude earthquake hit Japan causing untold devastation.
In addition to the escalating death toll in Japan itself, many others in countries sitting in affected areas where the plates are busy crashing into each other are unable to sleep in peace tonight. They are either getting ready to evacuate or busy evacuating due to Tsunami warnings. So many lives wrecked, so many precious lives.
I wonder now, what were the last hours like? In Japan, most were spent working (or slaving). It was reported in some less affected areas, some just went back to work. I was surprised to see that in some video footages taken in an office, the employees did not go under the table (which is a normal earthquake safety procedure) but instead tried in vain to salvage items like computers and documents. I wonder really, in that precarious moment as your life is vascilating along with the building you're in between life and death, what is really so important that you can't let go? Perhaps to them, even if they survived the earthquake but lost their life's work (or week's work) , because work has been the all in all in their lives, the sole ruling authority that dictates their thoughts and time, they would be just as good as dead if these were destroyed by the earthquake.
The shakings are so violet I got sick just watching the footages on tv. I see the helplessness in the woman waving for help from her bedroom window, trapped in her house. Elsewhere in Singapore, I see people thronging the IT fair hoarding trolleys strapped with printers and laptops. It's business as usual. For some unknown reason, we have been shielded from so many natural disasters. Our worst brushes with anything remotely catastrophic was the Orchard Road flood on 16 June 2010. (I have a knack for remembering dates, don't ask why). We are so encapsulated and while I thank God for His mercy, I can't help but wonder how many people here who are warm and toasty in their beds tonight stop a think about the fragility of life, the purpose of their being and the victims of this destruction.
Are we too comfortable and sheltered? Perhaps. What would it take to wake us up? If this happened in Singapore, to us, what will our reactions be? Will our lives and priorities be different after that? Will we still stubbornly hold fast to our petty grudges or whine at the tiniest inconvenience?
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Newsflash
More news followed.
Going on to the next round of interview. Was told that out of 8 applicants, I was the only one going to the next round (until more resumes come in of course). This seems to be quite a picky employer and I don't know if I should be flattered or worried.
The only negative feedback I've got so far is that I might look too young for the job. I'm really almost pushing the great 30 and feel like a grand old dame. I've permed my hair, put on muted, natural make up and dressed more maturely and I still look too young?! Mildly exasperating.
They are still trying to push me towards the role they think I'm suited for but didn't apply. having observed and read what that brand does for branding, I am certain of 2 things: 1) I will learn a lot and 2) I will have no life.
Well, well, we'll see.
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Lost
In my estimation, the interview went really well even though they thought I seemed to be more qualified for another role, one that is similar to what I've been doing all along. I meekly protested against it and re-stated my preference for the one I applied for aka the one that they were supposed to be interviewing me for.
I am in a dilemma right now. I am not so much afraid that I won't get the job but I'm afraid to land the wrong job again. What if this is yet another job that will take me away from God and my family for too much and too long? What if it's just my ambition wreaking havoc again because this is 1)a prestigious company and industry leader 2) it's a once in a life-time opportunity.
In any case, I hope they don't get back to me so soon. There'll be 4 rounds of interview (kinda like the Idol show) and then I'll know for sure if I'm selected or not. Of course, they are also pitting me against many others who are way more qualified than I ever can be.
But if I don't get the job..then what? I can continue running the outfit that we have been doing for the last 3 years although it's increasingly less feasible. OR I could just be a mom. IF we can afford it. I don't know and I think my heart lies with the last option but I think of all the odds against us and I am just back to the square one of lost.
I am in a dilemma right now. I am not so much afraid that I won't get the job but I'm afraid to land the wrong job again. What if this is yet another job that will take me away from God and my family for too much and too long? What if it's just my ambition wreaking havoc again because this is 1)a prestigious company and industry leader 2) it's a once in a life-time opportunity.
In any case, I hope they don't get back to me so soon. There'll be 4 rounds of interview (kinda like the Idol show) and then I'll know for sure if I'm selected or not. Of course, they are also pitting me against many others who are way more qualified than I ever can be.
But if I don't get the job..then what? I can continue running the outfit that we have been doing for the last 3 years although it's increasingly less feasible. OR I could just be a mom. IF we can afford it. I don't know and I think my heart lies with the last option but I think of all the odds against us and I am just back to the square one of lost.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Jittery mess
I don't know why and how to begin describing this adrenaline rush but I'm super jittery about the interview later!
Not that I'm placing all my hopes in 1 basket but I just want to make sure I don't board a pirate ship this time.
:/
I need God to speak plainly and clearly!
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!
Evils of Envy
Envy slithers around like a serpent, searching for a prey. It is so insidious as it creeps up on your soul that if unguarded by truth and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, it can utterly destroy.
I've been at both spectrums of it. The envious and the envied.
As the envious, I have found myself covetous and indulging in self-pity. The envy blinds me to all that I have been so thoroughly blessed with while coveting that of others. I fail to see the slippery end that awaits and the wisdom of the old adage 'with great power comes great responsibility'. I was so caught up being self-centred and my apparent poverty. I was driven by an overwhelming desire for what I did not have and that is one of the enemie's greatest tool is driving a wedge between me and God. In essence, I was saying, '' I deserve this and you are not a good God by denying me this.''
As the envied, I've had trouble too. Friendships are strained as one constantly tries to prove his/her worth or outdo. I generally shy away from envy-prone personalities. Learnt to better identify them over the years and while I sympathise and empathise with the low self-esteem that is all too common an affliction, I am staying away! Never mind that they have what the world would deem as abundance and blessings, they just envy away the one little bit they don't have or perceive that you have in greater measure than them. Proverbs aptly puts it down to ''who can stand before jeolousy?" None. Not too keen about being the benchmark for someone to outdo to feel good. The worst is yet to be and only begins when despite numerous attempts, they are unable to outdo/acquire more.
I've been at both spectrums of it. The envious and the envied.
As the envious, I have found myself covetous and indulging in self-pity. The envy blinds me to all that I have been so thoroughly blessed with while coveting that of others. I fail to see the slippery end that awaits and the wisdom of the old adage 'with great power comes great responsibility'. I was so caught up being self-centred and my apparent poverty. I was driven by an overwhelming desire for what I did not have and that is one of the enemie's greatest tool is driving a wedge between me and God. In essence, I was saying, '' I deserve this and you are not a good God by denying me this.''
As the envied, I've had trouble too. Friendships are strained as one constantly tries to prove his/her worth or outdo. I generally shy away from envy-prone personalities. Learnt to better identify them over the years and while I sympathise and empathise with the low self-esteem that is all too common an affliction, I am staying away! Never mind that they have what the world would deem as abundance and blessings, they just envy away the one little bit they don't have or perceive that you have in greater measure than them. Proverbs aptly puts it down to ''who can stand before jeolousy?" None. Not too keen about being the benchmark for someone to outdo to feel good. The worst is yet to be and only begins when despite numerous attempts, they are unable to outdo/acquire more.
Sunday, March 06, 2011
wander lust
What if opportunities opened up elsewhere and closed up at 'home'?
What if it's my least favourite land?
I left my heart and footprints in another land, a one that I possibly can never call my own and I'm desperate to reclaim it. I think I was created to be a wanderer, to live out of a suitcase.
I need to start life anew. Make your way plain before me.
And if it's another land, I prefer to travel by air, not whale.
What if it's my least favourite land?
I left my heart and footprints in another land, a one that I possibly can never call my own and I'm desperate to reclaim it. I think I was created to be a wanderer, to live out of a suitcase.
I need to start life anew. Make your way plain before me.
And if it's another land, I prefer to travel by air, not whale.
Friday, March 04, 2011
Faithfulness
Is something so deep, so exquisite and so rare. Especially in this treacherous day and age.
I learnt faithfulness by watching your undying steadfastness, your fierce commitment to stand by me even on my worst day. And I know I couldn't have chosen another. That you are the only one.
Watching you sleep now. It's a beautiful moment. Despite our bitter fights that threaten to tear us apart at times, moments like these testify that it is all worth it. To feel your soul shielding mine when life is too hard to bear and I'm insignificant and invisible to just about everyone else. This is a glimpse of heaven.
I love you Isaac Quek.
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What on earth
Just a tad morose.
It does get to me and makes me question my purpose, what I'm good at etc. No answers so far.
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Thursday, March 03, 2011
Insight from a friend
In light of the recent upheavals and mayhem in my friendship with a particular someone, my friend poured forth her wisdom that provided valuable insight to my psyche.
At the demise/betrayal of a relationship, I always allow the endless hauntings of 'why's' harass me,robbing me of peace and joy. I want answers.
Why did you dump me?
Why did you betray me?
Why did you do this knowing it'll hurt me?
I have spent the last 27 years of my life in naïveté, convinced that 1+1=2. That if kindness begets kindness and loyalty begets loyalty. And just because there are no obvious answers to why people behave in ways that cannot be explained by this simple equation that should govern human relationships, I find my soul embedded in hurt and puzzlement with no closure at the sudden demise of a relationship, no matter how old it is.
Without these answers, I get no closure and I just go on wondering what drove people to make such decisions and what is wrong with me that makes them do things that will compromise me.
I'm not sure if I'll ever stop wondering why but I've arrived at the place whereby it will no longer surprise me when relationships Ho awry even when all the necessary ingredients are in place and the recipe is followed assiduously. It takes 2 to clap and for now, my deduction is that you, you, you and you just didn't care enough to do your part so I'll take my leave n walk away.
Good riddance.
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