Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The art of sleep

They say time passes when you are having fun.

To me, time passes even faster when the sweet peace of sleep eludes you and you have to chase it down like a desperate hunter in acres and acres of unfamiliar terrain, hunting down prey to feed.

Every time I look at the clock, time has elapsed. (Duh) it's almost magic and I'm helpless trying to will the grains of time slipping through my fingers like fine milled flour.

It's an art to fall asleep. One I have not fully grasped. This precious peace, has been robbed too often by the anxiety that besets my heart. I have worried for days that I haven't yet lived, mulled over troubles that might or might not happen and allowed the restorative machinery of sleep to halt.

I envy those who don't know sleepless nights and hope against hope for the day I might join their ranks. That must truly be a blessedness that one should never take for granted. Because only in sleep can your soul take a respite from the toils of life, recharge its batteries and run to distant lands reclaimed by imagination.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Epiphany.

I don't understand why I have an insatiable appetite for money and why it made me feel..safe.

I asked myself what I'd do if I had loads of money and there isn't a single thing I really want to buy or anywhere in the world i really wanted to go.

Then I realized that money, was equated to power in my mind. I loved the independence I got from drawing a strong salary. It gave me choices so I need to depend on no one and thus, owed no one anything. I. The moments when I felt estranged from God, I felt like I was I could still go about living life in relative ease without waiting and depending on H. Worse, without making right with Him.

I was free to come and go as I please and unlike women from ages before, I didn't have to fight for my marriage with all I got because my survival didn't hinge on a man.

Money, was my means to protect my own selfish interests and it dissolved all my liabilities before God. In providing protecting and being all that I poured effort and time into, at the expense of prayer, fellowship and time with my family, it eventually was elevated to God in my life, demoting the God who loved me to second place.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Everyday Miracles

And everyday can be a miracle. In spite of the rain of perceived misfortune and things just not going my way.

It is hard to imagine that just a few short months ago, we were facing a seemingly imminent separation, severing the ties that bind us together in holy matrimony. I still shudder at the memory of that and treasure what I have even more now. These days,we are much closer and there is a renewed spark in our marriage. I watch him pray his long prayers now not with the annoyance buoyed by impatience but appreciating his sincere petitions to the God we serve. Every nuance, every action, from just mere breathing to his deliberate attempts to soothe me to sleep (another night of panic attacks) warms my heart.

Of course, I am not naive enough to think yet again that this buoyant sense of being on cloud 9 will last forever. A change in my hormones might cause yet another potential rift in us or just render him a lot less endearing. However, I know that in spite of it all, I am committed and the good outweighs the bad. That I need to hold on to the good times to tide us through the bad times, drawing strength from them to keep me going until the next chapter of good unfurls.

I do not take the now for granted. The snuggles, the scent of him, the love demonstrated in so many ways. I know that these things can all be robbed of me in a second if I am not careful. If neither of us hold on dearly to each other, to God. I know that marriage is such a delicate vase that needs constant care and can be broken with carelessness. I know that it is a gift.

Therefore, I will cherish, hold and love with all that I have. Because nothing else is dearer.

Thank you Lord. For this wonderful gift.


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

1.41 am

Tonight I have a little bit of trouble sleeping.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Date with 姑姑 and ah Ma

Today was a wonderful day. I had a nice long afternoon with my Aunty and grandma.

My Aunty recently came back to The Lord after straying for 30 years or more. Life has hardened her resolve and made her so bitter and to personally witness a gentler milder her today was so refreshing. Seeing her like that, I was overwhelmed with gracefulness and struck by how faithful and merciful The Lord is to my family.

Growing up, she was always spoiling us with toys and treats that our parents wouldn't buy. She lavished her love on us and when we grew up, we got on with life and pretty much forgot about her. But she never stopped loving us. Now that her relationship with The Lord has been restored, I find her praying or us so much. She has also been encouraging me via SMS during the time I was sick. This so warmed my heart during this lonely desert season.

This episode gives me great confidence that god would continue to chase down and woo the other unsaved members of my family and for those who have strayed, he will unrelentlessly woo us down until we turn to the fold. I, so glad and relieved that he doesn't I've up on us because I don't know what would have become of me otherwise. Because we've been so blessed, a lot of us have been seduced and left the narrow path for the bright lights of our jobs and the pursuit of money. We have gotten our priorities wrong and chased all the other things instead of seeking first the kingdom and his righteousness. Then when the harsh lessons of life set in, instead of leaning on Him for strength and asking for mercy, we berate him like he owed it to us to continue to serve our plans for our lives. We demoted God almighty to a lowly butler whom we call at every whim and fancy to deliver our indulgent requests. All because he said he will never leave us nor forsake us.

In the days ahead I pray that I will walk worthy of this high calling to be one of His and truly be a disciple and take up the cross. God forbid I get lost in the maze of life again and be waylaid by wolves bearing promises of a better way and forsake the faithful one who loves me more than His own life.

Consecrate my family for your holy purposes!

Monday, March 11, 2013

Monday's rainbow

Today is the first day in a long while I woke up without that sickening force of nausea trying to force its way out of my throat.

On top of that, I've got news that my good friends whom I've not seen for awhile but have been corresponding with like good, old-school penpals are arriving this weekend! Super duper happy! Like me, they have left their jobs. Contrary to the sedentary life I seem to be leading with household chores and what-nots, they are embarking on a whole new adventure globe-trotting! I am so happy for them. They have endured such a difficult time working with my ex-employer and truly deserve the break. It was in these miseries that we bonded and before we knew it, a whole new friendship transcending timezones and physical distance was birthed! Thank God for the common medium of English though since they were Germans living in Amsterdam and I clearly speak no Dutch nor German.

Also, I am really thankful to meeting C and her new baby tomorrow. It's weird how we got reacquainted since we weren't really anything more than facebook acquaintances with hardly a shred of common ground. I don't know how we started talking and soon she began encouraging me in the Lord and I literally felt something reignited in me as she spoke. Fan the flames! So as usually unwilling to meet new people one on one (decade old really, so quite old) , much less go to their house, I'm actually excited about this one!

So amazed at how God is sending me friends and company even as I was complaining that I need human interaction and people. Ex colleagues have been texting me and now that I'm not their boss, all walls are broken down and it's really fun to chat with them.

Now, I need to return to my prayer closet before ADD arrested and distracted me with the compulsion to jot these little nuggets of sweetness down.

Laters!

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Peace with my season of being "fallow"

After three months of not touching a PC (or a laptop even for that matter), I am now documenting my fresh thoughts on a full-sized keyboard and I can't even begin to explain how much joy is there in this simple, unspectacular occurrence.

That also marks the three months I've been jobless and not burning days, nights and weekends for what was a sorry excuse for a job.

The last week was spent in relative agony both physically and emotionally. The physical ailment eventually took a toll on the emotional health and I spiraled downwards faster than one can say "Jack Robinson". The endless rounds of antibiotics (20 pills a day) weakened me considerably and left me vacillating in and out of a feverish state. In those moments, I pondered the reason for my existence and felt utterly useless now that I neither have a job or an excuse not to have one. I have taken my vacations and rested aplenty and was now languishing. Never mind that I had a fever but my self-worth was reduced to nought as I dragged myself from bed to kitchen to get a glass of water. I measured everything that I was with what I do and when that was obliterated, I vanquished.

After close to a full week of self-induced despair and antibiotics, a thought came to me today that this was but a fallow period. Plots of land had to be left fallow at every seventh year for rest in order to gear them up for subsequent bountiful harvests. That was an interesting train of thought I never had and I thanked God for the change in perspective. I repented against ranting against Him while I was in the doldrums and am glad He chose to be forgiving and graciously spoke to me after my internal wilful rage settled. Interestingly, this is also the seventh year since I joined the workforce. Now, I'm determined that however long this fallow period is, I am to submit it to the Lord and not let it lay waste even as it rests. I endeavour to submit this rest fully to the giver of rest so that for the seasons ahead, I can be fruitful and yield bountifully.

Suffice to say, I think I have truly exhausted all my available natural resources in various empty pursuits in the last seven years. Some have yielded while others have left me sorely disappointed and disillusioned. Each time,I picked up only to repeat similar feats of stupidity again and predictably, arrive at the same point of disillusionment.

I hope this time will be truly different as God works out His purposes in and through me. In this time of leanness, I also pray that I be content and not be seduced by the trappings of comfort and affluence that I have previously either over-indulged in or unknowingly lusted after. After so long of seeing these things as a birth-right, I am ashamed to say I do not really know how to survive without them. My soul has been satiated and weakened like a flabby fat man.

Now, I cannot hope that the days ahead are easier but I hope that His strength will be made perfect in whatever weaknesses I manifest and that I will meet adversity with a different noble spirit if deliverance is not speedy.

It's through all these that I finally understand patience. Indeed , it is not the ability to wait but the attitude while waiting. Waiting was imposed on me. I do not have a choice. But how I respond while waiting weighs on my choice and this time, I hope to exercise that choice well.