silent love

its difficult loving the people you love who don't seem to love you back. and they are the people you don't wanto love coz u never get anything back in return. yet you can't help it.

i'd love to hate them but the anger doesn't reside for long. i cannot help but love them and it hurts so much. coz its so hard to tell them. i believe it is this pain that truly killed Jesus. not the crucifixion.

Jesus must have felt the same way. there are so many He longs to express His love to, in words in deed in everything, with everything. but they are seething with so much hate at the mention of His name its impossible. He is God's son and you would think an heir of heaven could have anything He wanted, at His beck and call. yet, the hearts of dead cold men and women numbed by sin and apathy....is what He truly desires.

it must be so heartwrenching. so many times more than wat i can ever feel. infact, i believe this grief, if i am allowed to term it so is from Him. and it is only a tiny fraction of what He's been feeling.

and it's already tearing me apart, wiping me out. i don't know how much love His heart can really contain. it seems each time i look into it, it surpasses my expectations all over again. yet i struggle with being unloved and feeling insignificant in His eyes. so fragile, the human ego. all i have to do is to go without spending time with Him andhearing Him for myself and i'm insecure.

only God knows how hard i really try to pretend to be strong in the presence of watchful men. some maybe waiting to watch me stumble and fall and let the 'aha i knew it!' in their hearts be vocalized. and thats what i truly fear, coz of the implied shame to His name, His work. and perhaps, to me. that i failed. it implies failure in my spirituality and more so, my relationship with Him.

and this fear totally manifested again when a friend from quite long ago, who was (in my eyes) drop dead gorgeous, smart and talented asked to meet up. and wondered why i'd disappeared. panic arose in me.i couldn't show her what i'd become. that i no longer laughed as hard. that life has taken its toll. needless to say, i didn't reply the msg.

on a more joyful note, it is also God who truly knows and still accepts me although i constantly and continue to bring more shame to His name than glory. in my words, thoughts, everything. grace and mercy sounds like a cliche in this day of christian mambo jambo but to me, especially today, i stand in awe again. and in that same measure, every vestige of hate i felt towards anyone, evaporates. hate can only flee in defeat in the face of His overwhelming presence. i don't even have to try.

it's cathartic and liberating. on hindsight, with respects to my life, i truly believe i'm made ofwater (ignoring the dehydrated skin) because i cry so much. but thats not a biggie because i always have someone to wipe away those tears.