buay tahan

its really ok to not know everything. afterall the word 'omniscient' was bestowed and created only for one person.-God. (and its the Holy trinity God. not some figurine with alot of balookus on his head and big ears.)

i truly despite and hate (i take time to forgive i know...) people who have to have an answer for everything when they don't. And precisely because they don't, they come up with their own answers to answer doubting minds wrecked with confusion and cause grievous hurt and pain, searing emotional wounds even more.

if you can't even bring yourself to say 'i don't know' and admit your that you are just a human being, don't be one. i'll gladly refer you to the SPCA.

i speak from an angry angry (almost bitter) place because i've been there. to be the subject of wrong wrong information conveyed by people of authority. people i trusted. and then as this various episodes were slipping out of my memory, i foundout that some of my friends are still going through this. disgusting.no, it makes my blood boil and it nearly made me produce venom to spit out.

i've been reading books by authors who also questioned in their confusion and their books chronicle their own search for answers by just constantly seeking God. and how the answers have since arrived...and how answers are still not here by the time the book was published. fine by me. the answers finally sit well with me. and even more so, the lack of answers to even more questions. its ok. i'll join them in their journey to seek God and get the answers. even if the answers don't come, i'm learning to just enjoy His presence.

***
these days, i've been spending a lot of time doing things i enjoy and hanging out with people whose company i enjoy. previously, i spent time with people i'm obliged to like (because christians are supposed to love every living breathing thing!) even if their company pained me to no end because of a wide myriad of reasons, i sat through lunches and dinners because ....theres only one reason for this..

I was unbelievably stupid!!!

i felt like since we have other mutual friends, i had to hang out with them. its wrong to not like people. and i failed ot realize again and again that like does not equate to love. that it is fine loving them from afar instead of biting my tongue just to refrain from saying something nasty and have them ask..."why you so quiet ar!?!" and den after the 'haha superficial session', i go home myself with a massive headache and a sick pukish sensation.

it was such a release to be spending everyday with people i CHOSE to spend time with. people i could laugh and cry with. to do things i like. i realised that in the company of people i didn't enjoy, i din wanto do anything. shopping, no. eating, ok la but i try to finish my food asap and run. nothing interests me. in direct contrast, even if i was at the boringest place, doing the most unfun activities such as collecting my passport and going for some dive exhibition (haha), it still felt good and at the end of the day, i'm tired and every muscle in me is crying for rest but i'm happy.

so...this obligatory i talk to you, i meet you because u ask me to nonsense will stop. unless ...well i'll leave room for exceptions. but thats it. i'm going to line up the week with more, even friends i haven't met for a long time, even new people. it darzen matter. as long as that sense of obligation goes.

i'm glad i never have to feel obligated with God. that would make being Christian sheer hell and the main irony of it is tt u're saved eternally from hell! i'm glad He draws me and as i draw near, He draws nearer. i'm glad that when i don't feel like being with Him and ignore Him, He woos me and makes it fun and enjoyable.