good friday post.

give me the biggest appetite ever. an insatiable one.

i am no longer just satisfied when blessings come, when i'm encapsulated by the presence of God when i spend time each night at His feet. now, i yearn (so so badly) to see manifestations of His glory, revivals and only God knows how much i yearn to share this hunger with people who hv the same hunger.

granted, there are alot of things seducing my affections when it comes to the things of God. eg. endless hours infront of the tv.at night, in the quiet place when all is quiet and silent, i am on fire and praising and praying but nxt morning it feels like there is just no reason to get up. no reason to even live. no purpose. i don't even think i am the only one who goes through that. its terrible and detrimental living life without a purpose. i didn't use to think so but it is! its no fun just breathing and having 'fun'. not at all. we were all made for something and it takes a lot of pressing on to find out. and i know many many of us reading this blog have huge destinies that require so much sacrifice just but i've seen people whom i've worshipped and cried and loved with gone...far out into the world. recently i've been awakened to the strong sense of destiny i used to feel, i've been recalling (and it takes a miracle for me to recall anything thanks to medication mind you) the words that have been spoken over in my life. the dreams, the visions. and i can't believe i've been leaving them somewhere in the dearths of my soul collecting dust! i feel as if God is using this apparent dearth in my life to awake me again. to be the river when its dry. i'm so scared to lose this sense of destiny again. for it is why im on earth for. not to breathe and contribute to the economy and just hoard blessings. i can jolly well go to heaven if not for the purpose entrenched in this life. and i shudder to think how many have gone on with their blessings robbed. God might wait for men, no matter how long he takes to come home, as long as he eventually will but time darzen. it continues ticking.

on a separate note, i wished i'd gone to church today. even though the two churches i used to call home are closed. i don't get it and it almost angers me. even the govt understands enough to give us a public holiday to go to church and yet thousands of believers have closed doors to face on such a significant day. the day the church was birthed. i mean come on, good friday was the day that gave us a reason for our existence! otherwise we could all just gear up for hell. its the day our sins were COMPLETELY forgiven. i don't get it especially when i realise that its not just ONE church closing its doors. (and pls dun try to explain it to me, i still won't get it)

i was so desperate i wanted to just attend any service at all that remotely commemorates such a in history but unfortunately, thanks to the headache the night before (its a lousy excuse i know) i woke up at 12 pm and a google search on the churches that i even know of told me that there were no longer any services that i could make it for.

***
i think at this point in life i'm really looking for acceptance in the sense that if i call you my friend, i don't have to be so afraid of offending you that i can be myself. even if you are no where like that. even if you think i'd gone bonkers. that i can be vulnerable and strong. and funny in the sense of haha or just plain odd.

i had a wonderful day with cali a few days ago and its so heartening to know that friendships do survive the long distance, the busy schedules and even long periods of not being in touch. sometimes its not just about catching up coz very often, i don't wanto relive what i've been through in the months. and mostly, there's nothing to catch up on. nothing much to update on. it's really just about enjoying the company of people you love and who love you and i'm so glad to have such a great bunch of them of these kinda pple.

i'll forever thank God for putting me in mgs. its where i met Him and became His. and i think its the wisest decision i ever made. it was also the place that gave me the friendships that i know will last a lifetime. no, make that eternity. i mean nothing beats the people who grew up with you (even though sometimes it takes alot for them to forget the stupid embarassing things you did)

sadly, i realised that i never laughed as hard again after i left mgs. not that ive been sad and sad after that but you have to be there to understand, we were laughing everyday. hysterically. i mean it was an environment of just laughter, joy and i would like to believe character building but thats disputable.

i remember falling off the chair laughing so often my teacher had to command me to pick me up but i couldn't. so i rolled under the table instead. i always got weak knees when i laugh really hard and they'd just buckle and give way and i'd fall down if i was laughing standing up. and my laughter was so not demure sweet and nice and people called me machine gun and hyena. but hey, who really cares when u are so happy la.

of coz now i don't even remember what i laughed about. maybe it was about the girl who climbed the tree. maybe its about my friend's buspass/ic photo(i'm sorry mei ling!), maybe it was about me wearing my uniform inside out (which happens), maybe it was about a physics teacher who pronounced 'bicycle' like 'spice girl'.shitting expeditions and all. there was just so much it was stand up comedy everyday.

ok time to be forward looking.1996-1999 is over.

have a very blessed weekend. He is alive!