Tornatedo

Like tornado.

The right man

I don't really have a clue how but I want Nathanael to be the right man. For his wife and his children. That he will use his strength for them and not on them, have every inch of his heart covered with thoughts and love for them, take care of them in practical ways even when it's inconvenient or costs so much. 

Because I've loved two wrong men in this lifetime and there is so much attached suffering. I want him to have the best but also be the best for that special someone. 

The first person I ever gave my heart to spent the first part of our lives lying and stringing me along while having one foot in a previous relationship. He eventually came back and we tried and tried but the trust was so irrevocably shattered it was too late. Too much heartbreak and at some point, I thought I'd never get over it.

My second and final love is my husband. He is kind but like many Singaporean men, stuck in adolescence and cannot really grow up. He tries but sprouts childish spiteful words. He wants to be a dad but can't willingly lay down the prerogatives of freedom. I have had a hard time coping physically and emotionally because I feel completely insecure that I have no support and am dependent financially. 

Which is why Nate must learn above all else to have tools to build a strong family. For that, he needs God and so many others to come along and guide him. We don't have fantastic role models but I will do my best. 

For his own sake and for future generations and that daughter in law. 

Blues

It was midnight and I had acid reflux causing me to throw up. I switched on the lights in a hurry to get to the loo, to contain damage and I got a wail and a protest because I kept switching on the lights and the husband couldn't sleep. 

Then as no help came and I continued making a mess throwing dinner up, suddenly there was a bang and I was shut in with no ventilation "to keep the lights out".

When I was done, I just stood there to cry. Did I mention it was a lonely journey? 

Now I'm full of resolve that I'm never raising a man who puts his needs above all else and is sensitive and kind to is wife. 

Some days, in moments like these, I'm convinced, if not for the beauty of Nathanael that I married the wrong person. 

35+3

Ok seriously not fun already. Feels like I'm inconveniencing the world and some don't hesitate to confirm my thoughts.

Today's ctg scan was a nightmare. I could barely get up and while in it, my back and hips hurt so bad it's still hurting 14 hours later. I hope I get sleep tonight coz last night was spent contracting. I dunno how frequent coz I was so tired and didn't time it only to wake up this morning to find blood on my undies. Hauled myself to hospital and had trouble getting out of cab coz of discomfort. 

The nerve wrecking feeling is the worst. I'm dreading the scan on Monday(scheduled) 

I'm still 1.5 weeks to full term so despite the pain, I really don't want him out yet.

34 weeks + 6 days

Had too eventful a weekend filled with scares and I hope for no more repeats until 26 nov which is what we scheduled for his debut.

Whole jargon of feelings now from confusion to anxiety. I feel absolutely alone in this and I wanto be the best I can for him but how...

Feelings of inadequacy just keep eating me up when I'm already battling physical ailments and discomforts. Husband is well..yet to come out of his reverie and really take this elephant of fatherhood by the tusks. He's somewhere still transmitting between adolescence and adulthood and I'm so scared that Nate will come to no father. 

I'm so excited to meet him but I think I'm I'm the only one. Days are getting longer and nights shorter with rest elusive.i hope he will be celebrated because he's my gift and my miracle. I love him so much! 

32 weeks + update

It doesn't get easier but the end is in sight. Happiest news include that I might be 10 days more advanced than believed so dday might be sooner. Yesterday was bad and I cannot imagine 6 weeks more of that. 

Have been driven to the brink of tears and crawled back so many times over.

Now, I count my blessings at 653 am. Feeling his knee rise against my skin and having the thigh stretched out against my rib etc. these moments I'll always cherish..but won't con me into thinking of second child. 

I love this boy so much it's like my heart is bursting. 

I cannot wait to hold him. 

Cannot take it anymore (again)

Pregnancy is already hard enough with elusive sleep and a hosts of discomforts. 

Then, you get pressure from the self-professed omniscient mother-in-law.

Then the convenience of texting means she gets to flood your text inbox with a flurry of essays on what to do and what not to do. That's not it..then there's the Australian agenda. Then there's the 12 am message to check if you have fish sauce. Because that's really impt, more impt than your sleep and sanity. Then she says that she's coming more often.

Breakdown. 

30 going on 31 weeks

Lying on a tennis ball to soothe achy muscles.

So fat I nearly burst my husbands' boxers. (I wear his clothes at home) 

Baby who has been kicking so much since 5 am this morning-sleep deprived mum. 

What is baby doing?

Massage lady asked me that.  

"reading a book?"

All she wanted to know if if he was kicking at that moment but I was too in pain to think. 

Oops. 

Home stretch

I could hardly walk yesterday. I think I suddenly exploded and found it hard to catch my breath. Legs hurt too.

Today I tried to time how long I took to et to the supermarket. It usually took 5 minutes but today, I took 20. 

It's getting really hard to get comfortable and this is my latest pillow formation. 

The inhabitant inside me, aka my son is also making more violent movements inside me. We can even see him moving and squirming right under my skin. That's really fun except for the rib punches which leave me breathless. Occasionally, I can identify either an elbow or fist. 

Home stretch now. Hope I get to enjoy the last part of my pregnancy. It's been hard and I've made so many social appointments for the last week and I hope I can waddle along well! 

Nobody really knows

I don't know how to put it into words too. 

I don't know how to ever tell anyone how hard this pregnancy has been and how I really don't have the courage to do it all over again. It is an incredibly lonely journey. I feel it won't be right for my first born and second because I'm not strong enough for it. Been to the edge so many times and back and suffice to say, I'm traumatized. 

I've really expanded all my resources just to get through everyday and I thank God for each day and try not to dwell on the difficult parts but it hardly gets easier. 

Baby N, I love you so much and I still feel inadequate to be your mum. I am weak and every day, I won't have the strength to get through if not for God who supplies grace and the will to soldier on for you. 

I hope I get better at this because you deserve the best. 

Oops is when

When you fart and your husband thought it was the sound of a drill..😨

Blessings amidst darkness

I have to write this down lest I forget. 

My friends are the best and they lend me emotional and practical support like offering to get food and groceries when we are tied down with a husband with a bad case of tonsillitis and a distressed and pregnant wife.

We have zero support from family and though I lament and grieve, I will look at the blessings I do have and remember I'm not alone. 

Our most generous gift yet...

Isaac has never had fantastic spatial intelligence and I can only hope it is this skill is being honed with his new hobby, skating.

In Singapore, driving licenses are a bane and he hasn't got one. In fact, he failed his last test so spectacularly I won't even elaborate. Driving is also mega expensive here with cars costing approximately $100k sgd. You get to use a first-hand car for 10 years before you have to pay an exorbitant sum again. It's too much of a hassle to elaborate about this crazy system here and the cost of driving with tolls and parking.

I used to grow up wondering how people survived without a car. Then I got married and found it impossible to ever afford one.

Then yesterday, amidst our stress with work and life, we got a gift of..a car.

It only has one year left on its lifespan/COE but that is still a very very generous gift.

Only problem: Isaac has no license and I refuse to drive being 6.5 months pregnant and still puking! It is insane to imagine puking on your dashboard and being safe on the roads while you're having a puky spell. 

Economically, as we live at the fringe of town, it costs us a mere $6-$10 by cab to town whereas it would cost $20 parking. When I was living off my parents', I would take the car to go to town and get the shock of my life whenever I chose to spend more time roaming around and parking at expensive malls that accommodated my horrible parking skills with big spacious lots. My parking used to be more expensive than my meals. So, this works out to $100 a month if I go to town once a week (including toll) just to go to town whilst I would have spent only $40 by cab. $60 might not be a huge sum to pay for convenience but now that we are on a single income and have a kid and a full-time helper, every cent saved counts!

I am very grateful for the gesture nonetheless even though I was cynical enough to think, given the nature of my relationship and understanding of my in-laws that these came with HUGE ROPES attached and a debt of gratitude I can never pay. I think I was also too proud to receive and eat humble pie. I also entertained the thought that I might not have received it if it was a girl I was expecting due to the strong gender bias.

Well, of course this is merely speculation and whatever the reason is, it was generous. We might utilise it when the baby is born simply because of the convenience factor of ferrying a new born around. Isaac of course welcomes these gestures from his parents with open arms but I'm scared that it'll be leverage against me when they want to run our lives or insist on parenting the baby a certain way. I almost am worried that it'll become a bribe for them to barge into our lives without boundaries. Also, I feel bad that Isaac's sister gets the short end of the stick when it comes to gifts and inheritance and I have strongly urged him many times not to accept and perpetuate the gender bias unless we are allowed to split huge gifts evenly with the sister. She has every right to it and should be given her fair share.

Well, I have to really think and pray through this and I'm glad we still have some time before we accept the offer.

Quite miserable

Post war battle scars

Retched all the way till 2 am and when I woke up at 6, I had blood spots and bruises all over my face, trauma spits from the heard retching. :(

I hope it heals soon.

Puking Sunday part 2

Trying to aim directly at the toilet bowl with huge projectile puke and what feels like spasms in the stomach is extremely hard especially when one can't bend over perfectly. 

When I retch and my stomach tightens, my whole face turns red and I feel tears just stream down uncontrollably. The force is just too strong for my not-so-little stomach.

On top of that, I've been juggling trying to help husband with work crunch. Slept at 3 am and 5 hours later, I was up.

I must say that I was rather productive despite all that retching. Only downside is that I feel incredibly weak and a little dizzy after that. Carpal tunnel doesn't help with all that desk work too. 

We are back to the grind in another 20 minutes. Hopefully we will be done with these by Wednesday. 

Puke Sunday

Today.

Miserable. 

Hungry. 

Tired. 

Let's just say I hate the Mac

I hope you are reading this, apple.

I am incensed.

We are already going through a stressful period and working butts off on weekends. I have chipped in to help Isaac in my heavy state with little sleep and despite saving and printing previous versions, you lost our file that we worked on for 6 hours. We switched almost every windows device to apple and this is how you repay us.

We spent the next hour trying to hunt it down but it was definitely saved and we even have hard copy proof. 

I then re-typed. 

Thank God I'm a fast Typer. I've been winning typing competitions since I was 9 and my dad forced me to type perfectly, among many other skills like..balance, sail, swim and I was terrible at those but I typed well! Thank God and I can sing praises now now but we win!! 

I panicked and felt cramps. Baby kicked hard and I...switched back to an old windows laptop. 

Upon checking with the forums, we realized others had similar problems a and they were never remedied.

I am so disappointed with you! I am going to eat a pear!! 

Distressed

Very distressed n trying to be calm and helpful.