Out of control

It is not that unfathomable really.

It's pent-up "unshaped energy" that has been brewing in the depths of my soul for the last half year or so. So I unleashed it all in one month.

To be very honest, it felt good. In the past, the joy was always short-lived but this time round, it sure hasn't expired yet and is burning like how Adele could only express it.

I also bought stuff for the family. In preparation for the next haze and our general welfare. Now that the country is not smogged out and we have reasonable air quality and beautiful cool weather (if only it lasts), I even bought a snazzy air purifier.

The financial damage is massive because with it came some fancy device to kill dust mites in my bed. We used it once already and I cannot believe the results. Dustmites and their faecal waste are usually microscopic but mine heaped up into this white mass monstrosity of a thing. I'm not sure how to describe it. It's like grey cappuccino foam. Compounded over 5 years. It's hard to imagine I survived that much dust mites given that I'm asthmatic. It's truly a miracle I'm alive despite the constant wheezing which leaves me perpetually fatigued with chest pains as a result of my ever tightening muscles. I'm glad all this is a coming to a complete end.

I'm grateful for the finances to make all these purchases. While buying and buying, somethings purely out of lust, I thought about how this year I truly learnt the lesson of Philippians 4:

"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Now I just need to exercise some self control and not get carried away. I am reminded of the less fortunate, not just the ones hit by the typhoon in the Philippines but those I work and live with everyday. A huge part of my workforce is filipino and I wonder if I can render direct help. 

Lord, help me to be discerning and to obey. Thank you for your blessings and help me to bless in return.

Yesterday my ear was blocked

What was said: beauty by nature

What I heard: beauty manager 

What was said: are you easily offended? 

What I heard: are you afraid of faggots? 

Tsk me.

My back is aching and all that sleep in the afternoon is making me awake despite and despite drowsy meds.

I'm also secretly kicking myself for being a lousy friend because I forgot a very good friend's birthday. She's been nothing less than stellar and I clean forgot. Actually I didn't forget. I just didn't realise the date yesterday and today. What a friend. I guess we all got spoilt by facebook alerts and when someone doesn't include their birthday, it is as if they are not worthy to be remembered.

Tsk me.

Are you ok?

An innocuous question but one I dread a lot. All because most of the time, I cannot give the desired positive answer of "Yes"and I don't want to lie about it.

Truth is, I still grapple with the pressure, the dark moods, the thunderous clouds of depression despite having so much going for me. It's not like I chose to be unhappy, contrary to popular belief. Sometimes, I feel so utterly besieged by the dark stormy clouds I just want to evaporate-all to escape.

I have learnt instead to just "deal with it". Soldier through it, grit my teeth etc. It's not easy and sometimes, I self-combust leaving smitherines of myself and my loved ones in the wake. I cannot make sense of what is happening or what happened but I grieve. I've hurt the ones I love.

Work-wise, it's like a dream come true. We don't work late at all but the days are super intense. Everything moves at bullet-train speed and sometimes I feel so drained I have actually fallen asleep upon hitting the pillow at 8 pm. In fact, I have fallen asleep just sitting on the toilet bowl. It is utterly draining.

In other news, I learnt that the company I previously worked with has completely shut down. It is no surprise of course given that everytime I opened my email, retrenchment emails were announced. I'm glad I left coz morale was dismal. I'm glad also that in my current work, we partake of community projects close to my heart. Yes, I know there's cynicism behind all corporate charity activities and initiatives because so much publicity is generated for the company but I really believe in these few. I shall not talk too much about it here but I cannot cannot believe that I am paid to do this for a living. Good money and good benefits too. It's wonderful.

Ok. I'm tired and a broken record. I rarely get monday blues but I need to prepare for the week ahead and think of an agenda for Monday's meeting so that I can meet tight deadlines, effectively delegate so I can get work done.

All this and...get my act together with God without feeling like a 1000 tonne of depression.

My asos order is also either severely delayed or completely lost in the mail. I am sad. It's arrival can really add some cheer.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Otherwise known as OCD for short.

I've been diagnosed with many things but not this but I think to some measure, I do have this affliction.

My mind loops endlessly around a problem until I have it solved. Or around a bag until I get it. Or a pair of shoes. I'm flexible on dresses though and my wardrobe's a real mess so it ain't the end of the world. Just. Yet.

I need to have all my ducks in order, figuratively speaking.

That's why I married a duck. A Quek.

Corny I know. Especially when I haven't posted anything for so long and my health is in the dumps with fancy schoomzy stomach dysplepsia but yah, I'm feeling all right now and I think it is a good enough thing to be thankful for and thankful for.

And to be documented.