Pregnancy thoughts and feelings

I was feeling so low after the massive pukes despite being in second trimester. It was SUPPOSED to abate but no, it surged back with a vengeance to announce that I'm really really pregnant. 

I know I have to see it as a good thing because this means my hormone levels are like spectacular and baby is growing well but the puking got to me at some point and I got quite depressed.

Today however, despite the puking was marvellous. Cali came to my house. I was supposed to meet her outside coz God knows how badly I need to feel normal but I was hovering around the toilet bowl so much, she brought duck rice to my door step!

The rest of the afternoon passed with us chatting and me puking intermittently. It was one of those few days which where the nausea is not relegated to evenings but the whole day.

I had to stop talking and just lie down or jump up and rush to the toilet to throw myself up blue.

At some point, Cali started to help me fold clothes, sort out  my laundry and even pack my table. It's such a chore and I felt so bad for her doing this for me. My maid had been on leave during the worst of times and now one of my best friends is really doing the work instead! I felt so so so bad but grateful. 

Seriously, I have the best friends or what? They come when I'm at my ugliest, grossest, with nothing to offer and give and give. I am so grateful.

So yes, there are setbacks on many fronts and I'm like a permanent fixture in front of toilet bowl but there's still cheer and stuff to be grateful about. :,) Praise the Lord!

Note to baby: you're too blessed!!

Violent puking and sleepless night

I am miserable. Lying down now but I still have urges to retch up a storm. 

Dear baby, I really hope you love me and will arrive like an angel straight from heaven. Because I have endured a good deal while gestating you. 

Counting down to December

Lost count of the number of times in the last few months I puked bile.

Yesterday was a good day until my nose detected the odours of lotus seed paste and I threw up a storm complete with bile, muscle spasms and a splitting headache that followed. 

Sleep has been fraught with panic attacks brought upon by various stressors and I'm finally getting the crazy urge to pee.non.stop. Think the uterus is finally tilting towards the bladder.

I also get some numbness in my legs every few hours when I sleep and am really surprised because this is supposed to be a third trimester symptom. 

Nobody said it was easy. 

I just didn't realize what a ride I was really in for!! Now I don't even remember pre-pregnancy freedom and energy levels and mobility. 

But I'm thankful baby is healthy and that's what really really matters now. Keep growing well and remember to smile at the camera tomorrow so I can see you clearly! 

Metamorphosis

I hates dragon fruit. I bought three earlier and wolfed it down.

I pretty much am a noodles person now. I used to be all rice and pasta. 

Just two examples out of too many changes. 

By December, I might not know who I am anymore. 

Return of the nausea monster

Nausea has returned like a violent and ferocious tornado after seemingly tapering off. I've had violent pukes, muscle spasms and even had to shampoo my hair and flush my nose to get rid of all residual smell.

Not very nice picture but a realistic account of the less favorable side of pregnancy. Not everyone can look like Kate Middleton and there are some who just puke way after the supposed taper-off period.

I know I shouldn't complain about this common affliction. But I do need to log this down to prevent myself from considering a second pregnancy without mental preparation. (And to remind my child the sacrifices I had to make) 

I'm looking forward to respite and reprieve when this ends. 

I am weak from hardly having any food today and need to relive days in a seemingly distant future when I had energy and life wasn't about sprinting fr bed to toilet and hovering around toilet for most part of the day. 

Almost

I nearly celebrated my first non-puke day but I had one major violent one just 15 minutes ago.

Skirmishes also with the in-laws that make me want to spew fire.

I am close.

Forgive me God because I have sinned.

When you harbor anger, hate, you harbor murder in your heart. I need to forgive, let go and set THIS captive free.

week 10 report

Today was a tough day.

My enemies came out in full force and I was in a tough situation that threatened so much at stake at work.

However, I was really pleased and nothing could rob the joy of hearing the heartbeat of the little one. I thought it sounded like people hurling which is seems like the current soundtrack of my life on repeat mode.

The scan was accidental coz I was back at the doctor's with some stomach cramps and only 4 hours of sleep, a cold and really bad nausea. I hadn't kept food down in 24 hours and I was plain miserable. Doctor wanted to check if baby was ok and hence, the scan. I am still on vaginal scope because my womb has not tilted (I was born with a retroverted womb) and doctor had to press down on my tummy to see hardly anything.

God has given me a lot of promises of late and encouraging revelations to comfort and encourage during these hard times.

They include Exodus..verses like "and Rachel conceived" in my email header and beautiful scriptures from Mark whereby Jesus knew all this time his betrayal took place at night. In my own walk, before the tsunami came at me, friends have been reminding me that the battle belongs to the Lord and He gave me a verse that kept repeating in my mind over and over before I was blindsided (again).

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze" Isaiah 43: 2

How apt. How lovely.

Praise the Lord.

The journey

Puking everyday and getting dead exhausted doesn't make me a mother.
Changing your diapers in future will not make me your mother.
I will be your mother when I want to die for you not because of you.
I am your mother when i never stop believing in you
I am your mother when no matter what, I never stop loving you
I am your mother when you are greater than the sum of everything I have to go through to arrive at your fulfilment and success.

So now, the puking, the physical suffering, they're just ground work on the way to becoming a mother. Not real motherhood.