Sunday, May 26, 2013

The very long weekend.

This long weekend I missed a wedding I didn't want to miss.

The wedding was held over two days and while I didn't rsvp to be present on the second day, I merely ''tapaoed'' my ang pow and registered my absence. Spent the day with my mother instead, chionging the taka sale. The whole experience left me feeling physically exhausted but happy in the light of all the drama that has happened and it restored some sort of normalcy into our lives, even though I don't ever have a single recollection of thronging big sales like that with my mum. Ever. We literally had to inch in, inch out, queue up endlessly and her, with blistered feet. If not for her, I'll never do that again.

At lunch today, we bumped into the lovely Khoo family. Auntie KW told me so sweetly that we are dear to her and she was sad but didn't want to push when I missed CNY visiting. She knew I was going through a tough phase and just prayed for me. I love them so much. Uncle just went on with jokes and chortled at..everything. It was so nice my risotto paled in comparison even though it was oh-so-good. I love them so much and they've been my inspiration to so much. People like them remind me God is alive and there is good in this world. Somedays, I fear they'll die before me (which is pretty much the natural order of things). I've been so blessed to have so many parental figures in my life. Surrogate ones to make up for the lack of the natural parenting I never had. I can't believe they're Peter's parents because they feel so much younger than him and he just nags me more than they do. It's a blessing to have wonderful friends like Pete and Kel but even more when their parents rock and house me, nurse me and dote on us so much.

This was timely because I've been assuaged by feelings of hopelessness and defeat again. Isaac and I just can't see any way out of our situation , in the natural. It's so hard to take our eyes off what we have to live through while projecting for the future. As such, a lot of hope is robbed and it hit me harder than it hits him. I wonder about our future, my job etc. I also have existentialism issues and questioning whether my existence is justified, what is the meaning of all these, what is God thinking etc. I am desperate to hear from God and have to forcefully calm myself down. Nope, actually I am so calm these days I feel like the living dead. I just go through the works of life and honestly, wonder how long I have to repeat it.

Which leads me to tonight. I was super bummed that I fell asleep at 10 pm naturally only to be wide awake now at 3.18 am. Don't know how to get back to sleep but am thankful to be able to straighten out thoughts here. Still have so much to be thankful for even though living is hard. Also, if I just look around, my life ain't that bad even though the feeds on facebook seem to suggest that everyone else is better.

Cliche still stands. I don't know what tomorrow holds but I know who holds tomorrow.

I feel orphaned and I almost feel a palpable chill in my spirit coupled with a dull ache in my chest. Sometimes I wonder how long it'll take for God to fill up the ginormous black hole in my heart and if I'll live long enough to be whole.

I know I cannot rush these things but my impatience is getting the better of me.

God help me, again.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Simple blessings

Now that I'm more ore less settled into the routine of a housewife, it seems that the whole job search has begun yet again, ramping up in speed.

Chermaine reminded me today that ''being a housewife is a calling too''.

Interesting thought. I never saw it that way.

For so long I mulled over all the things I didn't have or in my case, gave up. I didn't have children early, I gave up my career and am now a dowdy housewife. I even told Isaac it was perhaps more worthwhile for him to invest in a pet than in me. First, he gets entertainment and more loyal company from say, a poodle. The poodle's grooming budget is probably less than mine too. I lamented my existence and all the things that didn't seem to go well with me. Until I was intercepted by a thought. Isaac happened. We both have a roof over our heads. We are both healthy. I know so many others would have been over the moon to enjoy these spectacularly simple blessings. Yet there I was, living in the laps of blessings but being completely oblivious to it.

Yes, there are still concerns especially now that my ginormous tax bill is in and the last I checked, my CPF can't last more than a year. We have to make plans to get the financial engine going again but every plan I've made so far has failed dismally. It's almost as if God grabbed the keys to the car of life that I was determined on driving without following His instructions from my hands. Against my will.

And now, to be very honest, I am very happy being ''poor' housewife. I loved the fact that he can come home to a home-cooked meal everyday. I love having time to spend with him...even though sometimes it means waiting around until he finishes work to catch a show together. I am starting to appreciate the fact that we don't yet have kids and can live like newly-weds. I am less anxious now and even if I do have a job, it cannot compromise our togetherness and I know that while I probably have to bid farewell to some home-cooked meals, we can still continue to collect memories and build a strong foundation for our marriage.

So there, here's the perspective change I've long been waiting for but didn't realize it.

I'm grateful. For so much.

I love him more than I love myself and never thought it was possible. Now, i don't even know where to find love in my heart for another being. Now that I'm more secure in his love, I cannot describe the increased peace I now feel. On that same tangent, I cannot imagine how much more peace I'll enjoy (goodbye insomnia) if I just knew God's love for me. I really really want to know it more, deeply so that I can walk in faith and trust Him and His character and stop fending for myself.




Thursday, May 16, 2013

Marriage vows -21st Century

Just realized that for many modern marriages, it is no longer a matter of "till death do us part" but "till work do us part" every so often.

Makes me rethink what God would have wanted for my family and what is truly pleasing to God.