Monday, November 28, 2011

Warped

You know things have are ugly when you look forward to your wisdom tooth operation more than work.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Pathetic goals

My life is so devoid of excitement this actually gives me a slight thrill.

To block one person from fb everyday.

I am so private upon adding me on Facebook, there is hardly anything one can access.

Then I'm completely unable to search for on Facebook. I took this blog off a d made it unsearchable.

At some point, I'll be unsearchable too.

Forgot what I started fighting for

That and whether it was all worth it.

Put up a lot of battles and tasted both victory and defeat. It usually is precipitated by stubbornness, being sorely indignant and zeal.

And it has worn me very thin over the years and forfeited a lot of happiness. Not that I should forego all battles but choose them wisely.

For now, I need a respite from the madness and dangle a nice fat carrot infront of me to charge the dismal levels of life within me.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

bliss

Today, one of my best friends in the whole wide world got married to a fantastic guy that I can't help but agree wholeheartedly was made for her.

I attend a lot of weddings every year and this was one of the few I shed a tear for. God was there and I know He has seen them through so much. I just am so welled up with happiness and excitement for her.

It's been awhile since I've been so peacefully happy. I had another two of my best friends in my living room crashing after the wedding zonked out on my tiny sofa bed, my husband playing with his nerf guns and although I was flat out exhausted, I just feel so blessed.

These people have walked with me for over more than a decade and have accepted and loved me for who I am. I cannot think of many others who can accept me wholeheartedly. I never feel more free than when I'm with them.

Suddenly, my work woes diminish. Although I know that a long and possibly hard week awaits me on Monday, I feel blessed and even strengthened. Even though my animousity abounds in the workplace, I can come home to a husband who adores me and I know my friends are there for me even when I don't see them.

Was telling Joanne earlier that even if my boss thinks I'm a complete imbescile, I am happy simply because I have so much. I am a wealthy person.

I feel free. Most of all, I have Jesus. I will not allow a job to steal my joy. I'll give it my best shot but it should not have to kill me and make me believe the lie that my life sucks because really, God has given me what man cannot take away and really, suddenly I feel so so sorry for my colleagues.

Love my caliwali so much and I'm so looking forward to supermarketing sessions and kopitiam meals with her and Ed when they begin their new life together IN MY NEIGHBOURHOOD.


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Clash of the titans

Very very bad.

This is bringing out the worst in me and some old claws are resurfacing.

I honestly think I have found the laziest people in the world.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Jonah V.2

I think the Lord is telling me that I'm exactly where He wants me to be.

Been struggling with frustration and doubt and as I wrestle, I constantly get a sense that I'm right where I should be. To top it all off, today's devotional was talking about exactly that.

Maybe because I feel absolutely lonely at the workplace. This would sound almost preposterous considering the fact that I pretty much worked the last three years alone. All functions from marketing to packing goods were pretty much consolidated in one person, me. Now that I work as part of a team, I find it almost impossible to reconcile different styles, work ethics, personalities etc. I'm also not as good in my job function as I would like to be. My boss has been more than generous but that one mistake I made last week (partly induced by inertia) seems to relentlessly haunt me. As my worst critic, I refused to let it go and berated myself relentlessly. The long hours brought about by buying week and my colleagues' less than stellar warmth worsened how I felt. I have no idea why I'm so hard on myself when I've been pretty much let off the hook easily and it wasn't that big a mistake to begin with. Something is so badly wired within my psyche and it leaves so little room for error and simply being human. There are so many layers within me that still need healing. A ''Martha'' needs to be exorcised, an impossible standard that leaves no room to err must be revised and I just need to allow myself to be human, to be me. Deep down, maybe I still think that there is no excuse for my existence unless I touch the sky.

Needless to say, I really dread work at times (like the rest of you) and some days are just harder to trudge through as I burn out the wick of my minute strength. So when my colleague invited herself to church with me this weekend, I nearly did a double flip on the inside. Church and my homegroup was pretty much the last bastion of my sanity and my refuge and sanctuary from the week's madness. New to SG, she thought church might be a good place to start making friends. Most normal christians (myself included on a good day) would have jumped at the opportunity, motives not withstanding to invite any soul to hear the word of the Lord. Instead, I merely cringed and it took every iota of strength within me to oblige to bring her to church this week. I just could not bear the thought of not being able to vomit my woes from a work week freely in homegroup to my friends, having to be reminded of work even on the weekends and to put it simply, she isn't my favorite person in the world. I had trouble seeing her for 5 days a week. The thought of seeing her for 7 days a week and later on, a whole eternity made me balk.

In the shower just minutes ago, I was so ashamed of my own selfishness. I was so concerned about safeguarding my interests that I was willing to put a soul at stake. I clearly did not understand what hell is really like, what Jesus really came to die for and how huge a price He paid. I clearly didn't understand how great a wrath I've been delivered from and how great my salvation really is. Chastised, I am now asking God to sort this out within me because I still quake at that thought.

When I dreamt about building the church of God up in HK, a city God has put so close to my heart, I did not imagine that it would come in this form and shape. If I cannot even choose to love this one person inspite and despite, He certainly cannot entrust me with more. Moving there and participating in whatever church activity would be completely empty and meaningless if I cannot love the unlovable.

So this is my challenge and my test.

Somehow, I think I know that He will give me the grace to crucify me and let His purposes reign as long as I stay submitted and abide in Him.

Enslaved

A bondservant of christ.

Worked through to 1130. I was so tired this morning I got off at the wrong station and wondered where I was, who I was and what I'm supposed to do.

Productivity dipped to minus 20% at 9 pm. By 11, I could see excel sheets even when I was staring at the cold hard white ceramic tiles. Mind was as blank as it too.

And the best part, I'm still not done.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Whence does my help come from?

From you Lord.

As you have undoubtedly out me in this vessel, I'm going to trust you to take me all the way to your appointed shore inspite of the troubled waters and the howling winds that seem to propel us towards the fog of uncertainty.

Salt

According to my husband, if he's a French fry, I'm the salt.

How typical of him to allude even us to food.

Cold

I was in 2 minds this morning about wearing boots to work.

If I was in somewhere other than Sg, it would have been perfectly comprehensible. The weather does call for it but what if the sun comes out later? Then I'll look like a fish out of water.

Now, I'm just shivering in my seat trying to milk every bit of warmth from the teacup.

Such is the weather of November. To warn us that the year is getting old. To remind us that yet another year will soon be gone down the chutes of history. To announce the impending arrival of a fresh new slate. A clean page for new plans and dreams.



Monday, November 07, 2011

Psyched up for work

The only reason why I'm remotely psyched to return to work tomorrow is that I'm really really really craving chicken rice.

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Upheaval

That's how the last few days felt like.

Some days the events, circumstances and all just overwhelm and my emotions get crushed under the sheer weight of stress and I lose my marbles.

Some days I wonder if I'm just plain inept. As I ponder, it seems to point more clearly so in that trajectory and then it weighs me down further. Looking within me, it just looks all too dismal. I just don't have it in me to be better and my dark moods that settle in like the cumulonimbus clouds of late don't help either.

This wasn't how I imagined life to be at 28. Have buried so many of my dreams, aspirations and hopes in the last decade and the toil of disappointment (with people, myself included) has taken its toll. I don't even like the me I am now. I was different. I was going to be different. Now , I'm plain ordinary and weak.

I want to take some time off and travel again. To recollect me and find the missing pieces while watching the world go by.

But I don't know how to even get started on that.


Tuesday, November 01, 2011

iAmsterdam

yes. here. AGAIN. 3rd time in 2 months?

The receptionist at the hotel is almost startled to see me. I can find my way to the supermarket in the dark and I'm all too familiar with Schipol airport.

Am glad this is the last work trip of 2011! Gosh, how fast the year flew and what a year!

It's been a year dichotomised by very high highs and valley lows. I am thankful that through it all He walked with me and I think that is the most anyone can really ask for. Such sweet comfort and delight. What a huge deal it is too to have the king of kings walk alongside the dinginess and darkness of depression when I had nary a clue whether I would ever reach the peak to see the promised land that He has ordained for me.

Although I'm not entirely there and somedays are still treacherous terrain with little strength within, I am more confident today than I was a year ago. Not of myself but of His faithfulness and love to carry me through it all.

Had a wonderful time resting in the hotel, chatting with friends and husband while waiting for colleague to arrive. I previously entertained thoughts of museum visiting since I had the hours to spare. Previously, coming to Europe was such a big deal I squeezed in every available second with sightseeing. Now, I'm just thankful to get some alone time and rest in a comfortable bed. Besides, I've also visited the museums before (except Van Gogh) but the last I checked, it is not like they added anything to Anne Frank's house since world war 2 ended.

I would love to walk along the canals too but it costs me 25 euros to get there and it's just too cold. After the series of flashfloods in SG, I didn't feel like braving another storm lest I get caught in one here. Amsterdam is afterall rainy and dreary and God forbid it floods/storms here.

Tomorrow will be a packed day for meetings including my first townhall meeting! I have a major zit outbreak so I look even more like I'm 13 but I can't wait to get it over and done with so I can go home and be with my hubby wubby and friends!

God, give me grace and heal my zits! Help me not to get impatient and the pace here and annoyed at random people.

Fill me up with so much joy of your salvation I overflow !