Sunday, October 26, 2008

when you can't shut them up.

people who know me for me are so hard to come by. these days, i have so many people who have such vast contradicting assumptions about me, none of which are true by the way.

i have a few soulmates but many many acquaintances. while i really don't have to care and its nothing overly bad, i just hate being so misunderstood. but i will not dwell further or try to set the record straight because i have nothing left in me to care about people who don't care too much anyway.

but i like being understood. or at least an attempt to be understood. all the better if i'm understood AND celebrated. because that's all the rarer.

its no big deal being me but its not easy either. so cut me some slack and stop trying to disect me for further analysis.

just want to dig a hole. but not for me to hide. but to throw the irritants down and keep them out of sight.

i like pure guileless agendaless relationships. non competitive too. i don't need any grandiose show of how you're better. i kinda know already that i'm just me and there's nothing to shout about. but i'm reigning queen of isaac's universe and my mum thinks i fell from heaven. (when i'm sleeping, not awake)and above all, there is a King of Kings who sings over me. so i'm quite comforted.

i will celebrate what i have and continue to cherish, love and live. but i still wish you'd shut up.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

button you must wander wander wander

i spent my last night in hk folding origami with my friend. till 1 am. i woke up the next morning for work feeling like i have had a terrile hangover. and the origami was a disaster.

i landed last night at some obscene hour and got home at an even more unearthly hour. i was so excited to check out what my swedish friends got me that i ripped open my present in the taxi.

big mistake. for it was a big beautiful but very breakable bowl.i looked back at the packaging and wrapping in dismay knowing there was no way the bowl was going back and had to hug it the rest of the journey.

my hk friend got me pillowcases with the chinese words 'xi' embedded and very ching cheong chinese card wishing me marital bliss.

since i'm already inviting 540 people, so why why why can't they be there. OR i might as well have a wedding party whereever i have a friend.

ok, impractical. toss thought.

**

looking back at the past 18 months now and i can't help but feel so scared, so sad, so excited all at once. i really hate leaving what i'm doing and representing brands that i've grown to love so so so much i can't help but sing about them.

ok not quite sing but you get the drift. i think everyone should have a babybjorn.

i'm gearing up for what is to come but WHAT is to come?

i cried for like 50 minutes on the plane back yesterday. i know so because it was from 59 minutes to destination to landing. i missed the people i've grown to enjoy so much during work, knowing that no matter how much we promise to keep in touch, it's never really the same anymore.

also i cried for the lost souls who have been intertwined with mine and whom i so hope to experience Jesus like i do.

i walked past this old beggar. she's quite a character as she sits in the middle of the streets of central and ties blown up plastic bags all around herself. i've walked past her so many times in the past year and i've never done more than drop a few coins. this time, knowing it'll be a loooong time before i next return to hk for pleasure, i thoroughly thought about what i would say to her if i cld just see her again th enext day.

as if she cared.

but i spent one hour in bed racking my brains and checking my cantonese guidebook and i came up with just 'ye sou oi lei.' however, we didn't make it back to Central and i was a tad disappointed.

so for that, i think i'll be back in hk. hopefully within the next 6 mths!

**

i cried as i recounted His goodness in my life. and how he tenderedly engineeered every moment for a greater good. so i started singing on the plane by myself thinking i was by myself but forgetting that there are like 300 others.

never mind.

**

feels like forever since I last had isaac alone with myself and the weekend is still jampacked with activities, chores, meet ups with other people.

if this globe is too small forus and everyone (i've learnt over the past 18 months) is somewhat connected to one another, then why does it take so long to travel?

if i was a swinging single, i'd never stop jet setting and ingesting the wondrous sights and sounds of different cities. so now that i'm going to be very married, i hope that we'll be able to do that TOGETHER. somehow. somewhat.i wouldnt mind living out of a suitcase forever and i've learnt that i have the doraemon anointing. somehow, everything i need is somehow packed in. except plasters when i cut my hands at 11pm.

more and more, i feel like i can't stay in singapore. its not just the heat. i still love SG but i just can't help feeling like i need to venture further and live elsewhere for awhile at least. but home is where the heart is and where the heart is is where isaac is so i better learn to stay put unless he agrees to uproot. i'm feeling less singaporean by the day and i'm developing a keen interest in just about 3 different languages now.

where are You taking me?

Saturday, October 18, 2008

in transit

while my nose is dripping and my luggage is unpacked and the stress is mounting...
all i can say is
thank God its HK
thank God its only for 4 days

HK, I will miss you. and i will not visit you as often anymore.
i'll be taking a break from all this soon. to sort out life, on the whole. to personalize it, live it and savour it and share it.

after this week, i can finally leave my toiletries bag and 'first aid ' kit unpacked and even put away the suitcase for abit. i can start working on the house, suss out good deals for furniture and electronics.

after this month..
i can work out our budget, plan for christmas sales and wrap hampers.
my wedding planner can actually find me.
i will find that time passes maybe slightly slower than it usually does and get used to 8 hours of sleep.

i will exercise and prepare. like a bride in waiting.
i will finish up my facial course at MTM so they can stop wondering where I went and what they are going to do with my money.

i will miss my baby carriers and BPA free bottles. i will miss the cots and educational dvds. i will miss the regular salary.

i will miss training because then I really get to tell them how much how wonderful how fantastic it really is. and i will also miss travelling.

most of all, i will miss the colleagues and business associates i've grown to be friends with.

but i'm ready to disembark and transit.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Theme on my heart for this week.

we are watched, whether we like it or not. People are watching us and our actions and decisions are our testimonies.

It breaks my heart that a grievous act of a follower of Christ can cause so much repurcussions. That others, who don't know Jesus for themselves judge Him when they watch His diciples. Unwittingly, we have created offense to the cross.

I thought nothing about a recent wrong somone has done. I felt for her and wished she would repent and forsake those ways but never beyond that. Until Isaac made me realize that the testimony of her folly will scream volumes to many others. When I saw it sometime later, it grieved me. I wanted to stand up and say, ''No! Jesus is not like that. You can't judge the Christ with the christian!" But how do we really really explain this to a people whose eyes are still veiled. Furthermore, we were judged with Him at the cross and today we lay claim to His righteosness and right standing with God. Does that oneness excuse our reproach from His?

"The only Jesus they might see in this life may be you." Those were heavy words said to me. How could anyone lay a burden so heavy on me..when I'm just a girl.I've been forgiven more than a thousand times over and can only live right by His grace.

not all are discerning enough to separate the Christ from the Christian. The flesh, when it acts on its own also bore the stripes of Christ. Then we claim that we died in Him, so also shall we live in Him. But when we willingly and willfully reproach the Christ, why then do we cry out for separation..

He knew it'll be like that but He still chose us. Oneness comes at a heavy price. There is no separation thereafter.

"Oh, that my actions woud consistently reflect your principles!" Psalm 119: 5 NLT.

so who do we look to now

Why am I surprised? Has it not been prophesied from days of old? From the mouth of prophets and from the BOOK itself.

He must have already known, that the biggest financial systems will be the flaky mess that they are today. That the world leaders are scratching their heads and wondering why and how. That all will look around for answers, a solution but find none. That masses will scramble for their savings. That none of us are really saved..

I've been following the news and devouring commentaries from Time, Newsweek and The Economist. I've been watching repeats every 20 minutes on CNN , Bloomberg news while waiting for flights and they do little to assuage my soul that everything will be all right. The naysayers might be right this time after all.

I cannot deny the tide of fear that has assaulted my thoughts. There are too many what ifs as I desperately cling on the only surety I know-Him. That somehow, He'll not just take us through but use us to bless others.

I pray my heart will not be small in these days to lend and give aid to others. That I will share all that I am and all that I have with the brethen. I am scared. There doesn't seemto be enough. I don't have yet a revelation about His abundance. But until that sinks in, I don't want to be hindered in giving.

In that moment, I realized that there is still so much of selfishness in me that hasn't been circumcised away. That my first thoughts were still of self. i pray that I love others before myself and I love Him above others.

that like Job, may integrity and uprightness preserve my soul from corrupting influences and deceit. because its so easy to miss a step and plunge into an abyss. It's so easy to be greedy. it's so easy to justify yourself until your conscience is seared. its so easy, to live just for yourself. to be wounded and not heal, to be offended and not forgive.

I've seen the peril of all that and how it can be so insidious. Let each day, each breath count.

Monday, October 06, 2008

HKG-DAY 1

i had 3 hours of sleep.
i was zombiefied.

random man in uniform: where are you from? passport please?
me (showing passport)
random man in uniform : are you a student? no? you're from sanrioland ah

my passport had a my melody cover.

then..

i didn't realize i was walking around with my luggage tag on my pants. everyone knew i took sq 860 and came from singapore.

then at the apartment..

i didn't know how to operate the kettle. or maybe its just not working
the light doesn't seem to work
and before that i took 10 mins to figure out how to use the key to get in.

on the way to the office..
i tried in vain to gesticulate after i tried in vain to use my cantonese on this guy for help with my octopus card.

back 'home' after many hours..
i decided to collapse on watch tv
then this is the real clincher
the screen froze
nothing moved
except a moving security guard and silence
i panicked. i thought i killed the tv. i remembered thehaunting words of a friend that said my aura alone could destroy all electronic equipment.
then i realized
i was watching the cctv.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

updates from the latest leg of the race.

Often, I go to God with my requests and problems only to have Him speak like He wasn't listening.

Let me explain:

Eg. I'm heartbroken about this injustice done towards me by a friend.
Him: Forgive and bless your enemy.

Eg : I have this need and I need this amount of money to tide me through.
Him: Give what you have away.

These have served to evoke just about the same response everytime-BALK.

It defies logic and reasoning. But He seems to know what He is doing. I've been hurt but forgiving and blessing (the latter is more painful coz it requires me to ACT on it when forgiving is an invisible and intangible) releases me from the hurt and open up my heart to immeasurable joy. Sometimes, the relationship is restored and I get to witness the other person coming to the Lord, his senses or repenting. Sometimes, it doesn't. Or perhaps not yet.

I've given away only to receive 20 x the amount. Yes, no other investment especially in this day and age can yield so much anymore. And in such a short time too. To those with capital, the first instinct is to grab bargains from the property market and the various auctions available. But in such perilous time, the heart of God is looking to meet the needs of the poor, desolate and hungry. And He needs His church, His body, His bride to cooperate with Him. The world needs a light in the midst of darkness and turmoil. It's our time to shine.

I've realized that I'm called to be a middleman. Even in my current vocation, I'm a distributor and agent. Going forward, I know God is expanding my portfolio. I will not just do the upper middle income market but the mass market. And this will be more mass than I've ever experienced.

I will not just distribute toiletries but Jesus. I will dispearse Him, feed them with Him and reap with Him. I'm so gleefully excited just thinking about this. And to be very honest, nervous. But heck.

I've been guilty about just focusing on what I have to do and not abiding in His presence, not realizing I'm depletig myself and just vanquishing without His presence. Not realizing that I'm bankrupt and there's no fuel in me to continue. In the latest leg of the race, He has been teaching me to abide abide and abide in the spiritual fortress that is His presence.

I've learnt faith beyond what I knew from books and other's experiences (and my own disappointments). I've named it, claimed it and still didn't get it. Deepdown, i know itsnot on its way. It's not coming. It's not that my faith didn't work. It's because He loves me still and He has a plan and His thoughts are above mine. I don't always see the wisdom of it immediately but I've learnt to repect it.

Faith now is gift and it comes through experiencing it. It is a powerful currency that is used in the transactions between Heaven and earth. I've learnt to seek His will more carefully regarding a matter, discern what He wants and have full confidence believing and marching in that direction.

So yes, I've taken small steps as some of you can see. But this time, I've got more confidence (and naysayers).

Following His cloud until it rains.