a hesitatant prize fighter, still trapped within my youth

having trouble switching off my mind regarding work and it's making me admitting that i'm not as dynamic as i'd like to think i am.

my personal life and various other matters require a lot more attention and spring cleaning. including my walk with God which seems to be the richest in lonesome hotel rooms/planes. that should not be the case.

i've been feeling quite PIT i ful lately. like im somewhere in the doldrums of life because so much just keeps happening at a pace that i can't keep up. i want to crawl to his lap and seek refuge but even that is like an ascent up mount everest.

where i am now is very lonesome and no one seems to understand or even be available to. i don't know why its so hard for me to communicate or why i'm so hard to fathom. i would like to think i'm as transparent as can be and yet, empathy or a soul-knit is so hard to find.

the desires of my heart have also taken a backseat. they occupy my conciousness and haunt me down but yet , the high obstacles entrenched in the journey of their fruition is wearing me down. i feel like my soul is sandpapered at every turn and i'm emotionally and physically drained.

these days, my idea of a holiday is to hole up somewhere in absolute solitude to catch up on sleep and shut the world out. and when i wake up, i'd order room service and dine with my beloved King. before going back to sleep.

**
As I travel and see the weariness and dead stares that seem to be perpetuated everywhere in every corner and street, it speaks of the silent cry for a deliverance that can only come with Jesus.

there is so much need that CAN be met because provision has been made. there's so much more to this life. there's so much in store. but what are we chasing down and selling our souls to? i used to relate with much animousity regarding certain cities i visit. i detest everything from the bad traffic, the rude people and the high crime rate. but somehow, now, i see a city lost and its weighing so heavy on my soul.

isaac has commented that i have the something that makes people pour our their life stories to me within like a few hours of knowing me. or even less. and i don't know why coz sometimes it makes me uncomfortable and i'veknown you for an hour and you start bawling and crying and i start praying and etc etc.

i remember the colleague who poured out her problems on my first day of work in a previous job. a stranger about her personal difficulties on the train. etc. now they're all friends. instantly.

i used to lament about it and wonder why but i guess now its a privileged position. people are starving for a listening ear. a friend. some attention. and i know what its like to live without. so to be able relieve that in bustling city of activity that only encourages loneliness is a privilege. however, ironically, i've never been able to do that. to just release except to a selected few. and even then, i scream inside but can't be heard.

difficult

i'm dusting cares of the fragments of my heart so that i can give it to You again.

i see a big boulder and i don't know how to proceed. but You said 'remove all obstruction from my people' so i'll wait for Your word to come to pass.

the frustrations and cares and overwhelming and honestly there's not much of me left. i hold on to what little i know of You and ask that You expand the horizon of my perspective so i can see. Light my steps so that i walk in the path You ordained.

thank God for prayers of the saints and precious friends and family. and of course, my most faithful best friend and confidante, who soldiers on with me everyday in prayer, unceasingly-isaac. he's the epitome of the 'more than you can ask or imagine'.

i don't even know how to pray. i stopped praying for the boulder to disappear-evaporate,sublime whatever. i also stopped praying for deliverance coz deep down i know that i'm where i should be. now i just pray that i have the grace to react right. to conquer with grace and dignity. to stand tall and proud knowing He stands with me.

another rainy day
i can't recall having sunshine on my face
all i feel is pain
all i wanna do is walk ot of this place
but when i am suck, i can't move
when i don't know what i should do
when i wondr if i'll ever make it through

but i gotta keep singing
i gotta keep praising your name
you're the one that's keep my heart beating
i gotta keep singing
i gotta keep praising Your name
that's the only way i'll find healing

Can i climb up in Your lap
i don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
i gotta keep singing
oh you're everything i need
and i gotta keep singing

Mercy me-gotta keep singing

impulses

2 cds- mercy me and steven curtis chapman.
2 pairs of havaianas- i call this doing a 'cali'.
insane urge to go toiletries shopping. buying insane amounts of shampoo, sniffing my way throuh every bottle.
insane urge to just book a plane ticket to anywhere
tiramisu
fatigue

my stress indicators.

homesick

i close my eyes and i see your face

if home is where the heart is then i'm out of place

Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

i've never been more homesick than now

mercy me

where do i begin?

plans changing in a split second. moods changing just as fast. confusion. fog. fatigue. joy. satisfaction. fulfilment. frustration. helplessness. hope. gratitude. dread.

that pretty much sums up my week.

in desperate need for a miracle. empathy. understanding and love. most of all, i need to know what He is thinking about all this so that I can act accordingly.

this week i've had three full days of rich delicious food- a result of entertaining guests from sweden. however, i'm feeling spiritually bankrupt because of the schedule and mounting frustration from various other sources,i haven't had time to get to Him or even let Him steal a moment with me. He shdn't be stealing any moments. He shd be given all attention. but i haven't allowed that at all and hence today i really broke.

i called two friends and isaac and poured it all out. it was a vomitting purging session.I really felt like it was the straw that broke the camel's back. i am upset because i love it all so much but just because of that ONE factor, i can't fully enjoy my work and maximise effectiveness because i feel simply harassed. it's like a thorn in the flesh. all else is fine and i'm contented, even working through the hiccups but everytime i think i muster up enough grace to face the situation, it's like being thrown dung in the face and i lose it. all over again.

call me oversensitive but this is my threshold and i can't change it. i really detest and abhor the lack of respect i'm given as a female counterpart. i am thoroughly incensed by the fact that it is assumed that i'm an exception to respect. i want to put my foot down and say i am not. infact, i thought i did but apparently my message clearly flew over the hayfilled skull.

i don't know how else and i'm at my wits end. i don't want to let one person rob my joy and peace but i really have nothing left in me to even just 'ignore' or 'forget it'. i dread the reactions when i voice out my dissent.

tell me how?