no obsession with hammers.its just a coincidence
i was in the crowd the day that Jesus died
and as He hung upon the cross
His mother cried
i saw the crown of thorns He wore
and the stripes upon His back
the water and the blood ran out
and then the sky turned black
my mind was filled with anger
my heart was filled with shame
this man brought only healing
who could bring Him pain
why does it seem the strong always vitimize the weak?
and suddenly i found myself standing to my feet
"who nailed him there, this child of peace and mercy?
who nailed Him there, come and face me like a man
who nailed Him there?
and the crowd began to mock me
i cried, "oh my God, i just dont understand"
then i turned and saw the hammer in my hand"
i am just a roman soldier, an ordinary man
i love my wife and children
i do the best i can
how could i have killed Him
there must be someone else
there's got to be an answer
I just can't blame myself.
i nailed Him there, this child of peace and mercy
i nailed Him there
i am the guilty man
i nailed Him there with my sins and my transgressions
I cried
"oh my god, now i understand"
when i turned and saw the hammer in my hand
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Monday, September 26, 2005
out
its been awhile since i blogged and its been (yet) another series of 'evil days' and God's awesome miracles.
i cannot really go into detail but there has been a deluge of stress and despair in my life and a whole army of angels flooding into my life to chase that despair out. i have mighty prayer warriors who stood by me and zac and praying us through the valleys and now that we're halfway up the mountain, soaring on the wings of their prayers, i just wanto offer our very heartfelt gratitude.
and we also had the soldiers of God rendering practical help. every ounce of it is so appreciated. from people completely unrelated to people who hadnt had a clue to whats been going on but happened to feel in their heart to offer help, God has shown Himself strong in His army and i'm so proud and grateful.
truly, even the valley is a terrain of joy and hope when its handed over to the Lord.and He, the covenant keeping God and father is truly faithful. even when we're so shrouded in darkness it blinds our eyes from seeing the prevailing hope and peace. im really enjoying 'body of christ' ministry very much these days especially after recent episodes which nearly saw me snapping and crumblinginto despair. i never understood how practical help could matter so much. i never understood that God enjoys using his church and body to bless each other. until now. i looked too far expecting whimsical signs and wonders from money falling from the sky to well...something just more supernatural.
but i realise the true supernatural happens within the body of christ in the most naturally natural ways. when that love touches you, you just identify it with Jesus even though its carried by a human vessel and its touched me so much and dissolved me to just a puddle of tears.
there are too many people i have to thank. i hope i din miss any out.
we praise the Lord for people like you. God is so pleased with you guys and i know i unmistakenly saw Jesus smiling and radiating in your eyes.
jon, cali, niq, mei ling, ben, ps john, auntie shirley, auntie connie, robin, bernard & joy, ivan & gerry, auntie daljit and uncle chye guan, dr lockhart, my mummy, dr teo, faith and victor,...
can i ever thank you pple enough?
i cannot really go into detail but there has been a deluge of stress and despair in my life and a whole army of angels flooding into my life to chase that despair out. i have mighty prayer warriors who stood by me and zac and praying us through the valleys and now that we're halfway up the mountain, soaring on the wings of their prayers, i just wanto offer our very heartfelt gratitude.
and we also had the soldiers of God rendering practical help. every ounce of it is so appreciated. from people completely unrelated to people who hadnt had a clue to whats been going on but happened to feel in their heart to offer help, God has shown Himself strong in His army and i'm so proud and grateful.
truly, even the valley is a terrain of joy and hope when its handed over to the Lord.and He, the covenant keeping God and father is truly faithful. even when we're so shrouded in darkness it blinds our eyes from seeing the prevailing hope and peace. im really enjoying 'body of christ' ministry very much these days especially after recent episodes which nearly saw me snapping and crumblinginto despair. i never understood how practical help could matter so much. i never understood that God enjoys using his church and body to bless each other. until now. i looked too far expecting whimsical signs and wonders from money falling from the sky to well...something just more supernatural.
but i realise the true supernatural happens within the body of christ in the most naturally natural ways. when that love touches you, you just identify it with Jesus even though its carried by a human vessel and its touched me so much and dissolved me to just a puddle of tears.
there are too many people i have to thank. i hope i din miss any out.
we praise the Lord for people like you. God is so pleased with you guys and i know i unmistakenly saw Jesus smiling and radiating in your eyes.
jon, cali, niq, mei ling, ben, ps john, auntie shirley, auntie connie, robin, bernard & joy, ivan & gerry, auntie daljit and uncle chye guan, dr lockhart, my mummy, dr teo, faith and victor,...
can i ever thank you pple enough?
Friday, September 16, 2005
the hammer holds-bebo norman
a shapeless piece of steel, thats all i claim to be
this hammer pound to give me form, this flame, it melts my dreams
i glow with fire and fury, as im twisted like a vine
my final shape, my final form i'm sure im bound to find
so dream a little, dream for me in hope that i'll remain
and cry a little, cry for me so i can bear the flames
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is untold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
and the water, it cools me gray, and the hurt's subdued somehow
i have my shape, this sharpened point, what is my purpose now?
and the question still remains, what am i to be?
perhaps some perfect piece of art displayed for all to see
so dream a little, dream for me in hopes i'll remain
and cry a little, cry for me so i can bear the flames
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is untold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
the hammer pounds again, but flames i do not feel
this force that drives me, helplessly, through flesh and wood reveals
a burn that burns much deeper, its more than i can stand
the reason for my life is to take the life of a guiltless man
so dream a little, dream for me in hopes i'll remain
and crya little, cry for me so i can bear the pain
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is so bold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they , the hammer holds
this task before me may seem unclear
but it, my maker holds.
this hammer pound to give me form, this flame, it melts my dreams
i glow with fire and fury, as im twisted like a vine
my final shape, my final form i'm sure im bound to find
so dream a little, dream for me in hope that i'll remain
and cry a little, cry for me so i can bear the flames
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is untold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
and the water, it cools me gray, and the hurt's subdued somehow
i have my shape, this sharpened point, what is my purpose now?
and the question still remains, what am i to be?
perhaps some perfect piece of art displayed for all to see
so dream a little, dream for me in hopes i'll remain
and cry a little, cry for me so i can bear the flames
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is untold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
the hammer pounds again, but flames i do not feel
this force that drives me, helplessly, through flesh and wood reveals
a burn that burns much deeper, its more than i can stand
the reason for my life is to take the life of a guiltless man
so dream a little, dream for me in hopes i'll remain
and crya little, cry for me so i can bear the pain
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is so bold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they , the hammer holds
this task before me may seem unclear
but it, my maker holds.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
lamb thoughts
"for all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you. Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom"
Luke 12:30-32
the moment of glory is now. so often, i judge by my physical eye i've lost conciousness to what is happening in the spiritual realm. i need to be attuned to the spiritual especially with regards to myself and my loved ones all over again and see through His eyes and not mine.
the physical is afterall perishable and temporary while the spiritual is eternal and oh so glorious. its only in believing that we see and i need to be there. not just for myself but for so others coz every cubit of faith amounts to much.
sometimes i stand at look at the mountain ranges wondering how i can ever get across until i realise that i can soar on His wings. i can fly so high into the clouds i wun even realise there are mountains. i believe thats wat the Father has for me. and no matter what the terrain is, i'll conquer and go on. His word does not speak in vain so let it be executed with its full power in my life then. i'm ready.
"behold, i will make you into a new threshing sledge with sharp teeth; you shall thresh the mountains and beat them small, and make the hills like chaff."
isaiah 41:15
***
i've been stuck at home lately due to a bad bout of i dun even noe wat illness is that but i dun care. and thanks to the all time high paranoia as a resultin the surge of dengue cases, many concerned friends have urged me to get tested for dengue. so to assuage the many once and for all, i have no dengue. i only have Jesus.
have also been reading up on kathryn kulman. i've always been intrigued by God's choice of her. not that im surprised that God uses the lowly small and well...(add whole list of humble attributes) but she is too unlikely a choice by any measure. i can't explain it and i won't bother.
she has a healing ministry so powerful so huge i can't help but wanto dig up on what exactly she knows and the amazing revelations that sparked off such a tremendous ministry. i covet her spiritual gifts...somewhat. i don't covet the great responsibility it entails but i kinda realised they go hand in hand together so while im getting ready, i'll just well....wait.
so page after page, i scour through interviews and excerpts of her preaching only to realise that she darzen noe that much at all!yes, by today's standards, the amount of revelation that the church today possesses does surpass what she knows. nothing out of the extraordinary i must say and all she really does and reiterates is her COMPLETE YIELDING to the holy spirit. her ministry has a strong emphasis on this member of the trinity and thats all!shez so concious of the ministry of the holy spirit that it pretty much engulfs and epitomizes all that kathryn kulman is/was.
sometimes, its really that simple. but issnt every man's greatest challenge a complete yielding to God and 'thrashing the flesh'? thanks to the 'tree of knowledge of good and evil' that our dear adam and eve consumed, we've been unable ever since to fully trust in His best because we know too much for our own good.we wanto know as much as Him. afterall, the first temptation of the bible really can just be translated to " do u really believe God is that good eventhough He said not to eat from this tree?" or " Hez keeping something from you!aha!".
floating away thanks to the effects of the medication.
selah
Luke 12:30-32
the moment of glory is now. so often, i judge by my physical eye i've lost conciousness to what is happening in the spiritual realm. i need to be attuned to the spiritual especially with regards to myself and my loved ones all over again and see through His eyes and not mine.
the physical is afterall perishable and temporary while the spiritual is eternal and oh so glorious. its only in believing that we see and i need to be there. not just for myself but for so others coz every cubit of faith amounts to much.
sometimes i stand at look at the mountain ranges wondering how i can ever get across until i realise that i can soar on His wings. i can fly so high into the clouds i wun even realise there are mountains. i believe thats wat the Father has for me. and no matter what the terrain is, i'll conquer and go on. His word does not speak in vain so let it be executed with its full power in my life then. i'm ready.
"behold, i will make you into a new threshing sledge with sharp teeth; you shall thresh the mountains and beat them small, and make the hills like chaff."
isaiah 41:15
***
i've been stuck at home lately due to a bad bout of i dun even noe wat illness is that but i dun care. and thanks to the all time high paranoia as a resultin the surge of dengue cases, many concerned friends have urged me to get tested for dengue. so to assuage the many once and for all, i have no dengue. i only have Jesus.
have also been reading up on kathryn kulman. i've always been intrigued by God's choice of her. not that im surprised that God uses the lowly small and well...(add whole list of humble attributes) but she is too unlikely a choice by any measure. i can't explain it and i won't bother.
she has a healing ministry so powerful so huge i can't help but wanto dig up on what exactly she knows and the amazing revelations that sparked off such a tremendous ministry. i covet her spiritual gifts...somewhat. i don't covet the great responsibility it entails but i kinda realised they go hand in hand together so while im getting ready, i'll just well....wait.
so page after page, i scour through interviews and excerpts of her preaching only to realise that she darzen noe that much at all!yes, by today's standards, the amount of revelation that the church today possesses does surpass what she knows. nothing out of the extraordinary i must say and all she really does and reiterates is her COMPLETE YIELDING to the holy spirit. her ministry has a strong emphasis on this member of the trinity and thats all!shez so concious of the ministry of the holy spirit that it pretty much engulfs and epitomizes all that kathryn kulman is/was.
sometimes, its really that simple. but issnt every man's greatest challenge a complete yielding to God and 'thrashing the flesh'? thanks to the 'tree of knowledge of good and evil' that our dear adam and eve consumed, we've been unable ever since to fully trust in His best because we know too much for our own good.we wanto know as much as Him. afterall, the first temptation of the bible really can just be translated to " do u really believe God is that good eventhough He said not to eat from this tree?" or " Hez keeping something from you!aha!".
floating away thanks to the effects of the medication.
selah
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
thank God u're still here.
i've learnt over time not to talk it so hard whenever a friendship evaporates, fades into oblivion or just...in worse scenarios explode because of irreconcilable differences. this is nolonger just a term you see used to validate divorce papers.
i've gone from valuing every single person that strolls into my life to not even blinking when permanent residents (most, not all) leave. and i thought that was a good thing until i realise that i still care deeply.
but it darzen change the fact that theres nothing i can do abt the state of things. i realise i can't communicate with them because of the differences and because neither can compromise..thus is such. we just let loose and let go and well i guess these ex-friends mourn the me they used to have and i simply mourn the demise of the friendship that i've grown to even take for granted. until we realise that either conversations are awkward or that gosh..we get angry with each other all too easily. in one recent scenario, apparently one friend spent somuch time angry with me and i din even realise. well, they say ignorance is bliss....
i guess i'll just celebrate harder and cherish more the ones that God still graciously preserve for me. my heart will always have more than 2cm for these people (read previous post) and i can only hope its mutual.
one day, maybe one day i'll know what happened. because people either refuse to talk or tlak to much and refuse to listen....and because of these reasons, i'll never understand how i hurt them. and i can apologize alll i want but it'll never be enough anyway because they've revoked my citizenship in their hearts.
im way past sad. its not somethign i celebrate but i just cant bring myself to really truly mourn it. a little maybe and i wished things were different but its really not something i can have a say about.i just really wanto grab each and everyone of my precious friends tt i still have now and give them a bear hug.
and im so thankful for them. so thankful for isaac. so thankful for Jesus...that nothing can change these relationships.
my Lord accepts me and sought me out when i was down in the dumps on a one way ticket to hell. and even came to live in me just so we'll never be apart and in the process, suffer humiliation for i've too often unknowingly or wilfully shamed his name and dragged it down in the mud. i'm sorry but i cant imagine why he'd still choose to stay and not regret it. i feel sorry for those people who have judged me together with christianity, together with Jesus. i wish they'll just see Jesus and not see me. but i've got a long more way more to that and i'll be patient with myself in the meantime...
selah
i've gone from valuing every single person that strolls into my life to not even blinking when permanent residents (most, not all) leave. and i thought that was a good thing until i realise that i still care deeply.
but it darzen change the fact that theres nothing i can do abt the state of things. i realise i can't communicate with them because of the differences and because neither can compromise..thus is such. we just let loose and let go and well i guess these ex-friends mourn the me they used to have and i simply mourn the demise of the friendship that i've grown to even take for granted. until we realise that either conversations are awkward or that gosh..we get angry with each other all too easily. in one recent scenario, apparently one friend spent somuch time angry with me and i din even realise. well, they say ignorance is bliss....
i guess i'll just celebrate harder and cherish more the ones that God still graciously preserve for me. my heart will always have more than 2cm for these people (read previous post) and i can only hope its mutual.
one day, maybe one day i'll know what happened. because people either refuse to talk or tlak to much and refuse to listen....and because of these reasons, i'll never understand how i hurt them. and i can apologize alll i want but it'll never be enough anyway because they've revoked my citizenship in their hearts.
im way past sad. its not somethign i celebrate but i just cant bring myself to really truly mourn it. a little maybe and i wished things were different but its really not something i can have a say about.i just really wanto grab each and everyone of my precious friends tt i still have now and give them a bear hug.
and im so thankful for them. so thankful for isaac. so thankful for Jesus...that nothing can change these relationships.
my Lord accepts me and sought me out when i was down in the dumps on a one way ticket to hell. and even came to live in me just so we'll never be apart and in the process, suffer humiliation for i've too often unknowingly or wilfully shamed his name and dragged it down in the mud. i'm sorry but i cant imagine why he'd still choose to stay and not regret it. i feel sorry for those people who have judged me together with christianity, together with Jesus. i wish they'll just see Jesus and not see me. but i've got a long more way more to that and i'll be patient with myself in the meantime...
selah
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
dig your ears
boy: you'll always have a place in my heart....(mumble mumble)
girl: (incredulous) 2 cm?!?!
boy: TO THE END LAH
girl: (incredulous) 2 cm?!?!
boy: TO THE END LAH
Monday, September 05, 2005
contemplative
i miss my friends.i mean my normal sane friends or at least the insane ones whose company i enjoy..because you make me feel sane.
haha.and those who make me feel less like a glutton because u eat more than me.or at least on par.(HELLO MEI LING!HELLO PAM!)
i miss alot of ppl..ppl that i care about. pls call me if u think i care abt u. if u call me and i dun care abt u, pls allow me to break the news to you that i don't care abt u.sorry ah. (Im really kidding!)-i wish-
***
i can't speak much abt how it really is now. sometimes i'm jubilant and floating with hope, other times, i'm weighed down by ...cares. people and etc. sometimes i just need to reorientate and focus again and hang out with people who love me. and stop trying to be everybody's superhero girl.
but im relishing my time spending time with my favourite ones...and favorite ONE. i'm really enjoying His company and love and adoration and blessings. and i know i am not one who is concious abt it consistently and every state of my life and i break his heart being otherwise...
***
alot of promises are coming to past. but theres so much more im awaiting.
***
i really like to sing, i am just not so sure if i like to be heard....
***
im really a different girl today. pls get to know me again and stop presuming assuming and incarcerating me in your little box.
***
i'm re-liking human beings. real ones.
***
my friends computer crashed while trying to update me in his address book. apparently the power of my name "scares all things electronic into submission" if i may quote him.
at present, his address book just insists i don't exist and my info is stored under a name called 'pariah'.
I say, that lousy add book deserves to crash.hmph.pariah your head!
***
when im more coherent, i'll try writing again.
***
haha.and those who make me feel less like a glutton because u eat more than me.or at least on par.(HELLO MEI LING!HELLO PAM!)
i miss alot of ppl..ppl that i care about. pls call me if u think i care abt u. if u call me and i dun care abt u, pls allow me to break the news to you that i don't care abt u.sorry ah. (Im really kidding!)-i wish-
***
i can't speak much abt how it really is now. sometimes i'm jubilant and floating with hope, other times, i'm weighed down by ...cares. people and etc. sometimes i just need to reorientate and focus again and hang out with people who love me. and stop trying to be everybody's superhero girl.
but im relishing my time spending time with my favourite ones...and favorite ONE. i'm really enjoying His company and love and adoration and blessings. and i know i am not one who is concious abt it consistently and every state of my life and i break his heart being otherwise...
***
alot of promises are coming to past. but theres so much more im awaiting.
***
i really like to sing, i am just not so sure if i like to be heard....
***
im really a different girl today. pls get to know me again and stop presuming assuming and incarcerating me in your little box.
***
i'm re-liking human beings. real ones.
***
my friends computer crashed while trying to update me in his address book. apparently the power of my name "scares all things electronic into submission" if i may quote him.
at present, his address book just insists i don't exist and my info is stored under a name called 'pariah'.
I say, that lousy add book deserves to crash.hmph.pariah your head!
***
when im more coherent, i'll try writing again.
***
Friday, September 02, 2005
phew
i'll remember the day as it was.
i woke up feeling slightly tired because of the severe sleep deprivation. i had worked till 10 the last night and had been up since 7 the previous morning. only got to bed at 1 am and i had to literally tumble out of bed to get to work. my last day of work...
i felt a surge of happiness in me and it gave me the impetus i needed to change and get ready. there was a skip in my step that day and i had to resist telling everyone on the bus and mrt that 'its my last day' and try my bestest to hide my jubilation.
but upon reaching the office, seeing my collegues, all that dramatically reversed and i suddenly found myself trying to hold back tears. gosh, i can't believe tt i'd made firm friendships inthe midst of the hectic work schedules and enjoyed the company of my collegues as much as i did. i can't believe tt there were actually that many precious memories created and friendships forged. i'm usually cynical of work related relationships and right there and then, as i looked on at my desk and the gerberra and card left there for me, i was overcome with sadness.
more sweet gestures and words followed.den another card. and a lunch treat. smses from someone who had to take leave...and i was ready to dash to the toilet to cry already.
in the midst of all that work, i had unwittingly touched a heart or two to render those sincere heartfelt thanks and kind words. by the sheer grace of God and that amazing operation of His will in my life. i knew that inspite of it all, joining the company was very much His plan.
as if (which i believe He did) knowing my doubts and questions hurled at Him whenever things went terribly wrong at work, my numerous deja vus seemed to serve as an affirmation that i was meant to be there...that i din stray from His will. that He saw this beforehand. that i'm still safe.
let me explain this as best as i can, Jesus was at the very centre of the father's will when He hung there on the cross carrying my sins becoming sin itself.
i used to think that the job for me will be the job i naturally excel in (which would prob reduce my options to being someone paid to eat), a job i can receive alot of blessings from and by that of coz, imeasure blessings in the form of great favour with collegues and bosses, smooth operation of work or great monetary benefits or just something i'm terribly passionate about. (read: isaac/food/makeup). little did i expect it to come in the package of a job that required me to learn how to handle crises, take so much initiative whenmy boss is handling other crises of her own etc). and strictly learn to follow the spirit so that i wun give more trouble than what is currently on their platter. to learn to work with people whose personalities don't exactly gel very well with me or even completely clash. i didnt expect opportunities to share Jesus, show love and just shine a little warmth into depraved hearts. i din expect the reward to be invisible yet feel so awesome.
"i've got food that you do not know of"..i quote a supposedly physically hungry Jesus who had just given to a woman at the well.
i've been fed well knowing a seed or two or perhaps more has been sown (albeit unwittingly) and hearts have been touched (according to them). i don't think i've done a good job with the job itself due to my severe lack of experience but its been in invaluable lesson that Jesus has brought me through and i'm so glad i allowed myself to go through it.
when i was offered it, i was all to ready to reject Him but i distinctly felt him urging me to take it on. i'm glad i obeyed. most of all, i'm glad my savior obeyed and said yes to the cross on my behalf.
"the sorrow that surrounded you was mine,
but not my will but yours be done you cried
and though your soul was overwhelmed with pain,
obedient to death you overcame"
as i was about to walk through that door for the very last time, a person i least expected any kind words to come out from came forth and somewhat sheepishly came forward and well, by the end of the conversation, i was even more surprised to realise a shaky voice and teary eyes. (not mine).previously rather unsympathetic due to a bad experience,i found myself humbled and so grateful. that inspite of my lack of love and ability to see the big picture, He was right there showing me that my labor of love and well blind obedience did pay off. even if it was so difficult at first to simply 'serve as unto the lord' and carry His name in a cold place, it paid off because someone elses burdens were lifted. i can't believe that silly ol me could be an answer to prayer. someone knows Jesus really cared as a result!
maybe no one sees or fathom the magnitude of this miracle but it is a big deal to me. coz i so did not expect it. and today i finally realised that His hand was at work behind the scenes all the time in my life and i was being used by Him as i wanted to in my own humble way even when i never thought it was possible.
thank you Jesus.
knowing im still in the centre of His willand knowing that Hez right there even when it hurts and thatHe has a better plan beats all the kind words and offers my dear (now ex)collegues made.truly His plan is higher, His way is better and His dreams are grander. and now..i'll go on and await the next chapter to unfurl with a new confidence in my heart that it'll be good. even when my eyes don't see. i'm glad the eyes of faith are open wide right now and may this spiritual sight be sharpened even further.
i woke up feeling slightly tired because of the severe sleep deprivation. i had worked till 10 the last night and had been up since 7 the previous morning. only got to bed at 1 am and i had to literally tumble out of bed to get to work. my last day of work...
i felt a surge of happiness in me and it gave me the impetus i needed to change and get ready. there was a skip in my step that day and i had to resist telling everyone on the bus and mrt that 'its my last day' and try my bestest to hide my jubilation.
but upon reaching the office, seeing my collegues, all that dramatically reversed and i suddenly found myself trying to hold back tears. gosh, i can't believe tt i'd made firm friendships inthe midst of the hectic work schedules and enjoyed the company of my collegues as much as i did. i can't believe tt there were actually that many precious memories created and friendships forged. i'm usually cynical of work related relationships and right there and then, as i looked on at my desk and the gerberra and card left there for me, i was overcome with sadness.
more sweet gestures and words followed.den another card. and a lunch treat. smses from someone who had to take leave...and i was ready to dash to the toilet to cry already.
in the midst of all that work, i had unwittingly touched a heart or two to render those sincere heartfelt thanks and kind words. by the sheer grace of God and that amazing operation of His will in my life. i knew that inspite of it all, joining the company was very much His plan.
as if (which i believe He did) knowing my doubts and questions hurled at Him whenever things went terribly wrong at work, my numerous deja vus seemed to serve as an affirmation that i was meant to be there...that i din stray from His will. that He saw this beforehand. that i'm still safe.
let me explain this as best as i can, Jesus was at the very centre of the father's will when He hung there on the cross carrying my sins becoming sin itself.
i used to think that the job for me will be the job i naturally excel in (which would prob reduce my options to being someone paid to eat), a job i can receive alot of blessings from and by that of coz, imeasure blessings in the form of great favour with collegues and bosses, smooth operation of work or great monetary benefits or just something i'm terribly passionate about. (read: isaac/food/makeup). little did i expect it to come in the package of a job that required me to learn how to handle crises, take so much initiative whenmy boss is handling other crises of her own etc). and strictly learn to follow the spirit so that i wun give more trouble than what is currently on their platter. to learn to work with people whose personalities don't exactly gel very well with me or even completely clash. i didnt expect opportunities to share Jesus, show love and just shine a little warmth into depraved hearts. i din expect the reward to be invisible yet feel so awesome.
"i've got food that you do not know of"..i quote a supposedly physically hungry Jesus who had just given to a woman at the well.
i've been fed well knowing a seed or two or perhaps more has been sown (albeit unwittingly) and hearts have been touched (according to them). i don't think i've done a good job with the job itself due to my severe lack of experience but its been in invaluable lesson that Jesus has brought me through and i'm so glad i allowed myself to go through it.
when i was offered it, i was all to ready to reject Him but i distinctly felt him urging me to take it on. i'm glad i obeyed. most of all, i'm glad my savior obeyed and said yes to the cross on my behalf.
"the sorrow that surrounded you was mine,
but not my will but yours be done you cried
and though your soul was overwhelmed with pain,
obedient to death you overcame"
as i was about to walk through that door for the very last time, a person i least expected any kind words to come out from came forth and somewhat sheepishly came forward and well, by the end of the conversation, i was even more surprised to realise a shaky voice and teary eyes. (not mine).previously rather unsympathetic due to a bad experience,i found myself humbled and so grateful. that inspite of my lack of love and ability to see the big picture, He was right there showing me that my labor of love and well blind obedience did pay off. even if it was so difficult at first to simply 'serve as unto the lord' and carry His name in a cold place, it paid off because someone elses burdens were lifted. i can't believe that silly ol me could be an answer to prayer. someone knows Jesus really cared as a result!
maybe no one sees or fathom the magnitude of this miracle but it is a big deal to me. coz i so did not expect it. and today i finally realised that His hand was at work behind the scenes all the time in my life and i was being used by Him as i wanted to in my own humble way even when i never thought it was possible.
thank you Jesus.
knowing im still in the centre of His willand knowing that Hez right there even when it hurts and thatHe has a better plan beats all the kind words and offers my dear (now ex)collegues made.truly His plan is higher, His way is better and His dreams are grander. and now..i'll go on and await the next chapter to unfurl with a new confidence in my heart that it'll be good. even when my eyes don't see. i'm glad the eyes of faith are open wide right now and may this spiritual sight be sharpened even further.
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