Why do I feel like the whole world collapsed on me

Struggle

With doubt
With annoyance (people I see everyday)
With fear
With my carnal nature. ( I decided to unleash the inner mean girl and told someone her head is filled with nothing but air)

Let the struggles end please. Triumph over me Lord.

Help.

I immensely dislike them. Annoyed much.

How?

:(

Sunk to the bottom with Jesus

Survived the weekend of unfortunate events. Nothing big but enough to get my mood really low. I woke up at 5 am a few nights ago unable to move with sharp pains shooting down from my neck. It was so bad I couldn't even move my hands, perform simple tasks like change, turn the door knob. Thank God I didn't break anything or sprained anything. At the doctor, he diagnosed it to be a pinched nerve and seeing that I was in so much pain, he offered a jab.

Little did I know I was allergic to it. Before long, I started swelling like a puffer fish. Quickly took my steroid medication and antihisthamines. Got all the side effects of the drugs such as moodswings, bloatedness except the promise of fast healing.

Just as I was grappling with disbelief, I feel the lord whisper gently into my heart that he loves me just the way I am. Despite the physical suffering, that brought an indescribable warmth to my heart and joy to tide through the pain before the dawn of healing broke forth.

He that saw through six trials shall surely see me through seven. All the way till the end until he leads me into eternal rest.

Praise the lord. I woke up this morning before the crack of dawn with a song in my heart and no pain/discomfort. I'm not sure of the swell has subsided but I'm convicted by a glorious love nothing can deny.


L to R: various stages of normalcy to swelling.

pooped.

I don't seem to have energy and time for all that is demanded of me. Various obligations of varying degrees of importance compete for my time and with no hint of recreation/rest in sight, I can't help but feel overwhelmed by dread at the thought of it.

On one hand, I cannot wait for time to accelerate and for 2011 to be done with. However, those who know me that I almost always seem to enter some sort of self-induced crisis mode whenever Christmas or year-end comes around. I get weepy thinking about the year before and am always drunk with the cocktail of trepidation, anticipation and excitement. Then, I'll try anxiously to book any air ticket to try to run away to rearrange and collect my thoughts until God tranquilizes me with His perspective and word.

I miss my friends. For someone who is almost always packed with social activities, I feel terribly alone. I just want to hang out and talk and laugh uproariously with my girls. I realize I only feel safe to be myself with them. 100% raw, sashimi style.

So tired of self-censorship and having to explain in the plainest simplest language what I really think, line by line. I know I'm hard to figure out, tough to accept and just plain strange. These people have the amazing gift of figuring me out without me really saying anything. 

Never alone

Every step
Every minute
Every mountain
Every valley
From the day I first invited you in
Until eternity
You walked beside me.

Indeed so faithful.

Thank you.

3 months old.

I don't know why I'm here except that I'm being incubated for something else. And where I am is part of Your grand plan and that You didn't fall off the throne everytime I messed up. (Because otherwise, we are all in trouble because of me).

I don't like it when it's said that 6 others can lose their jobs because of me. I was tempted to retort with ''we'll see''. Because I would have done my best with zero training and no help whilst they had whittled their time away. I would have learnt what not to do, what to do better and be better and sharper in acumen and expertise. I cannot say the same for the rest.

-cue William Hung angsty moment-

Don't tell me I need to smile more. I do smile. At the right time and most importantly, to the right people.

I'm already cramping my style big time to accomodate. Now when I'm penalized for scribbling furiously to record notes and thoughts for work, I feel extremely disrespected and disgruntled.

That said, I'm learning loads, albeit the hard and arduous way. I want to ace this scholarship, as unglamourous as it sounds. It is fun, when I get it right or come close to it. When I do market research and churn out analysis that sales results will testify to, I get the good kind of adrenaline rush and endorphins overload. All in all, I've got it good and I know I'm blessed.

I know I have to depend on You every step of the way. I know I am nothing without You.

I'm in a good place. Most of all, I'm in His will for my life.

I cannot see it yet but this is an incubation period for greater better things that serves His purpose. I need to be patient. With Him and with myself.