Youth is wasted on the young.

Today I woke up feeling old.

It's the sense of tiredness, fatigue after you've run a mile long race yet see no end in sight. It's been a hard week at work with many unnecessary 'tribulations' brought about by my new teenage staff. Even as I ponder whether to let two of them go, their problems and pieces serve as a reminder of the pit I was hewn from and cast sobering reminders of the past.

It didn't feel like that long ago when I was their age but standing here today, I feel like I'm light years ahead of them. A small part of me hopes to impart some wisdom garnered over the years of trial and error to them and teach them to appreciate their parents more. But those words have fallen on deaf ears (deja vu) while another part of me, forgetting that their wilful behaviours are part of the curse of youth that I was once plagued with wants to ..torment them with my screaming.

I look back at the years lived before (for the moments I remember) and realize that no matter what, they sum up to the me that I am now. There are foolish decisions that I wished were amputated out of me but they've been inked permanently in the story of my life. I'd wanted to tear those pages out but so what? To appear perfect or to conceal shame? Those will be vain attempts.

My imperfections and weaknesses will serve to remind myself of my frail humanity. That inspite and despite, I have the future to look forward to because God is good. It will also remind me of the redemptive nature of His good work in me that is still ongoing. That I have hope and to cherish the love that is freely given despite being me.

Maybe at 80, I'll wake up one day feeling young. Instead of retirement, I'd be facing refirement and may He keep the light He has placed in me never diminish and burn out especially in this oxygen starved world.