Been at the table arrangements for what seemed like a millenium. I can't seem to sort it out and now even though I've thrown the white towel and decided to head to bed, I can't quite sleep. There has to be a formula to get around this one and I wish John Nash was around to help. Someone call Mr beautiful mind.
I'm determined to have fun that day. No matter what. It is my day and of all the days that I have ever lived and will ever live, I'll rejoice and rejoice and celebrate.
For years and years to come, we'll always commemorate the day the Lord joined us together as one. 27th December.
It's been a long wait, 5.5 years. But i just wanto shout ' WE MADE IT!!!"
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
the traffic controller
at a very congested street with parallel parking facilities the other day, my attention fell on this unofficial traffic controller trying to direct the heavily congested traffic. His simple hand gestures in directing traffic made it so much less stressful for the motorists who were typically to inconsiderate and not letting each other have their way. his face was etched with lines and his skin was like a shade of coffee, roasted from the long hours under the merciless sun.
so when the man stood there, without any endorsement of authority from anyone doing that, i wanted to salute him. it took him to evict chaos and restore order. it took the nobody and initiative in him to get us, impatient motorists in order. he did it with such gusto and dignity. that moment, he won my respect.
i found out later he did this out of his own initiative. my father proceeded to tip him, alongside with some other equally grateful motorists. however, there were some that behaved like it was their divine right and entitlement.
this guy was so poor. and he probably recently lost his job. as a foreigner, his options are even fewer and rights almost non existent. he took the initiative to do this and can only hope for the largeness of some hearts to appreciate and spare him cash in return for his humble duty.
i don't know why but when i saw him and remember his plight, i started crying.
people like him are meant to be recipients/beneficiaries of my business and the wealth we generate. yet, i'm feeling so down and out now i feel mocked by the cruel irony of it. the dream and busines model is still alive in me. it still is. the ends and objectives and what we'll do with the money still resounds.
i know that for as long as i'm breathing, i cannot live and enjoy all that He wants to give me without sharing it the destitute. and that is my destiny. i wanted to reach out so badly to this guy, buy him a meal or give him a bigger tip so he can send the rest home but i was still held back by my own.
i would like to believe that i could empty myself out for people such as him, or Him. but i still can't and am still bound by my own needs and concerns.
i'm still staring at the little bud wondering when it'll blossom. wondering when what You said will come to pass. most of all, i'm wondering if i can hold out long enough before You jump on.
how long is the road
how long is the ride
how long is the darkness till we get to the light
corrine may.
so when the man stood there, without any endorsement of authority from anyone doing that, i wanted to salute him. it took him to evict chaos and restore order. it took the nobody and initiative in him to get us, impatient motorists in order. he did it with such gusto and dignity. that moment, he won my respect.
i found out later he did this out of his own initiative. my father proceeded to tip him, alongside with some other equally grateful motorists. however, there were some that behaved like it was their divine right and entitlement.
this guy was so poor. and he probably recently lost his job. as a foreigner, his options are even fewer and rights almost non existent. he took the initiative to do this and can only hope for the largeness of some hearts to appreciate and spare him cash in return for his humble duty.
i don't know why but when i saw him and remember his plight, i started crying.
people like him are meant to be recipients/beneficiaries of my business and the wealth we generate. yet, i'm feeling so down and out now i feel mocked by the cruel irony of it. the dream and busines model is still alive in me. it still is. the ends and objectives and what we'll do with the money still resounds.
i know that for as long as i'm breathing, i cannot live and enjoy all that He wants to give me without sharing it the destitute. and that is my destiny. i wanted to reach out so badly to this guy, buy him a meal or give him a bigger tip so he can send the rest home but i was still held back by my own.
i would like to believe that i could empty myself out for people such as him, or Him. but i still can't and am still bound by my own needs and concerns.
i'm still staring at the little bud wondering when it'll blossom. wondering when what You said will come to pass. most of all, i'm wondering if i can hold out long enough before You jump on.
how long is the road
how long is the ride
how long is the darkness till we get to the light
corrine may.
meltdown
i'm trying to gather every last remnant of strength as i stare in the face of the enemy of seeming impossibility.
i'd like to pride myself for standing firm, staying the course and hold it all together. but truth is, i can't believe its so hard. i didn't count the cost and now that i'm asked to pay the price, i'm standing at the counter, like the banks waiting helplessly for a bail out.
the cost is not just measured in dollars and cents. its the tenacity, the everything required. i don't know how many others make it appear so easy and they just breeze through life like they have wheels under their shoes while i trudge on with bloody feet.
save me, because i don't have strength anymore.
help me see You coz my vision is obscured.
speak, because I'm desperate and listening.
i chose this so i'm not going to complain or regret at how hard this is and how unrosy it all is. and in the meantime, am going to count the blessings that I do remember and enter in with thanksgving, even though i'm on my knees and not exactly jumping jubilantly for joy. i'm recounting past blessings so i rise above the drudgery of self-pity and see beyond my calvary.
right now, my heart is heavy. my soul is downcast. this is not the picture of a bride to be. but i'm soldiering on and i know 9 days later, all i've ever waited for will be there. and nothing will beable to get me down.
i'll charge for the altar, even on my heels and claim the 'prize'. this is round 1 of getting married. i cannot imagine how much more it'll be when i see my heavenly bridegroom face to face.
that's really all i care about. never mind everything else already. i'm just glad to get married before the end is here.
i'd like to pride myself for standing firm, staying the course and hold it all together. but truth is, i can't believe its so hard. i didn't count the cost and now that i'm asked to pay the price, i'm standing at the counter, like the banks waiting helplessly for a bail out.
the cost is not just measured in dollars and cents. its the tenacity, the everything required. i don't know how many others make it appear so easy and they just breeze through life like they have wheels under their shoes while i trudge on with bloody feet.
save me, because i don't have strength anymore.
help me see You coz my vision is obscured.
speak, because I'm desperate and listening.
i chose this so i'm not going to complain or regret at how hard this is and how unrosy it all is. and in the meantime, am going to count the blessings that I do remember and enter in with thanksgving, even though i'm on my knees and not exactly jumping jubilantly for joy. i'm recounting past blessings so i rise above the drudgery of self-pity and see beyond my calvary.
right now, my heart is heavy. my soul is downcast. this is not the picture of a bride to be. but i'm soldiering on and i know 9 days later, all i've ever waited for will be there. and nothing will beable to get me down.
i'll charge for the altar, even on my heels and claim the 'prize'. this is round 1 of getting married. i cannot imagine how much more it'll be when i see my heavenly bridegroom face to face.
that's really all i care about. never mind everything else already. i'm just glad to get married before the end is here.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
popping my head out of the hole
i've been so wearied out i just want to hide from all.
when i come home, all i'm asked about is the latest seating arrangement and how the house is etc. there are updates everyday and i just want a breahther. something else to think about and laugh about.
my phone rings incessantly from 9 am onwards with smses/calls regarding the above issues also. next week's schedules are also packed with such. i am so looking forward to the 27th so i can bid all these farewell.
i haven't been monitoring my bank account and i can't bring myself to look at it either. all these purchases actually cost money and i'm thankful that so far, we have enough. and i really don't have the grandiose faith to tide me through to be assured of super abundance now.
when i can steal a few minutes away, i'm really at the fork road trying to steer my flesh away from frustration and dismay to thanksgiving and praise. to recount the many things i have to be thankful for and the much more I will have though i do not yet see.
in times of great financial famine, i'm thankful that my business is still experiencing increase and although I want to seek greater expansion, I've learnt to harness ambition and wait on His perfect timing. Ok, I haven't learnt it. I'm learning it.
never before does it require more willpower to choose to worship and praise. yes, times have been hard and pressurizing before but this time, nothing in me wants to. there's a cloud of despondency somewhat and i need His spirit to come in mightily to dispel the cloud. but something inside me just knows I have to stick my head above it and make the choice to rejoice no matter what. to yield to His goodness and just know that He is God.
these concerns of mine show me really how little i still am. and how good He still is. and it teaches me to be thankful for what I still have and to crash at His cross to pour out all so that He can change it. i really don't know how long this journey will take but i'm willing to go through it.
in other matters, we've kinda been honeymoon agendaless. but we're taking our time and not going to sweat over it. (in due part because the wedding which happens before the honeymoon is not settled).
we had a list of 'shortlisted' places at first. after much deliberation...
we thought we finally settled on greece...then the riots broke out in Athens.
we thought we'll settle on Italy and enjoy venice. then the floods (apparently the worst in 26 years) came.
we thought about hokkaido. but refused because the yen is at its all time high.
maybe even a short one to bangkok but given the recent debacle which caused many travellers to be stranded in the airport, so that was thrown out.
then finally we realized we were down to nz and aust.(again!)
well at least we are getting free tickets to watch 'australia'. australia is familiar to both of us so i guess, we won't get (too) lost. and also, they speak english. and it is the first time we're both going TOGETHER. so i guess its ok..and the dollar is weak against the sing$ so it means more savings...so i guess, yea. italy/greece/europe/us, wait for me. sort out ur problems first and give us a call and send us a cheque when u're ready for us.
when i come home, all i'm asked about is the latest seating arrangement and how the house is etc. there are updates everyday and i just want a breahther. something else to think about and laugh about.
my phone rings incessantly from 9 am onwards with smses/calls regarding the above issues also. next week's schedules are also packed with such. i am so looking forward to the 27th so i can bid all these farewell.
i haven't been monitoring my bank account and i can't bring myself to look at it either. all these purchases actually cost money and i'm thankful that so far, we have enough. and i really don't have the grandiose faith to tide me through to be assured of super abundance now.
when i can steal a few minutes away, i'm really at the fork road trying to steer my flesh away from frustration and dismay to thanksgiving and praise. to recount the many things i have to be thankful for and the much more I will have though i do not yet see.
in times of great financial famine, i'm thankful that my business is still experiencing increase and although I want to seek greater expansion, I've learnt to harness ambition and wait on His perfect timing. Ok, I haven't learnt it. I'm learning it.
never before does it require more willpower to choose to worship and praise. yes, times have been hard and pressurizing before but this time, nothing in me wants to. there's a cloud of despondency somewhat and i need His spirit to come in mightily to dispel the cloud. but something inside me just knows I have to stick my head above it and make the choice to rejoice no matter what. to yield to His goodness and just know that He is God.
these concerns of mine show me really how little i still am. and how good He still is. and it teaches me to be thankful for what I still have and to crash at His cross to pour out all so that He can change it. i really don't know how long this journey will take but i'm willing to go through it.
in other matters, we've kinda been honeymoon agendaless. but we're taking our time and not going to sweat over it. (in due part because the wedding which happens before the honeymoon is not settled).
we had a list of 'shortlisted' places at first. after much deliberation...
we thought we finally settled on greece...then the riots broke out in Athens.
we thought we'll settle on Italy and enjoy venice. then the floods (apparently the worst in 26 years) came.
we thought about hokkaido. but refused because the yen is at its all time high.
maybe even a short one to bangkok but given the recent debacle which caused many travellers to be stranded in the airport, so that was thrown out.
then finally we realized we were down to nz and aust.(again!)
well at least we are getting free tickets to watch 'australia'. australia is familiar to both of us so i guess, we won't get (too) lost. and also, they speak english. and it is the first time we're both going TOGETHER. so i guess its ok..and the dollar is weak against the sing$ so it means more savings...so i guess, yea. italy/greece/europe/us, wait for me. sort out ur problems first and give us a call and send us a cheque when u're ready for us.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
for some strange disgusting reason
lately when certain random pple find out that i'm getting married, they start to display interest.
so they msg everyday with hapzard lines of insincere flattery they like to pass off as poetry. and harass me to be 'friends', 'to go out for coffee' to etc. and they bug and bug. and i never knew them. well, some i do but most i never did.
i don't know if they are salesmen or professional predators of soon-to-be-married women. whatever it is, i am no giving you my attention, time or money. i shudder to think we are living on the same planet. and even in the absence of any special someone in my life, i wouldn't consider them. that is how gross.
i turn into porcupine mode when REALLY ANNOYED.
so they msg everyday with hapzard lines of insincere flattery they like to pass off as poetry. and harass me to be 'friends', 'to go out for coffee' to etc. and they bug and bug. and i never knew them. well, some i do but most i never did.
i don't know if they are salesmen or professional predators of soon-to-be-married women. whatever it is, i am no giving you my attention, time or money. i shudder to think we are living on the same planet. and even in the absence of any special someone in my life, i wouldn't consider them. that is how gross.
i turn into porcupine mode when REALLY ANNOYED.
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