lately...

sometimes you're required to die to live again and no i'm not being morbid. and no i'm not talking about a physical death. so rest. in. peace.

lately ive been thinking to myself that that love is truly painful unless you get to express it. i mean mostof you can identify with the crush you know who would never take a second glance at you,( or if he/she does, its in mock horror-in my case, definitely got.), the undenied love of youth. or something along these lines.

which is why God went to great lengths just to express His love on the cross. and after that even though its truly finished, as He said so himself, He never really stopped, in my opinion, He keeps going on. demonstrating little/big acts of love throughout the day which i've been recipient to.

and that brought me to think about how i've expressed my love for Him lately because i wanto and not because i have to because i've been kinda overwhelmed by negativity, love, comfort and hope of late. and i just wanto do/say something to show Him that is not just of gratitude and relief but (as if to reassure His insecurity) that at the very end of the day, my heart belongs to Him and Him alone still, and that i truly (most of the time anyway) cherish Him and His presence in my life.

and last night i was brought to that opportunity whereby a simple opportunity presented itself for me to express that kind of love whereby i had to give up something akin to cutting out a piece of my flesh. i can't explain nor go into detail here coz its just too personal..even though my audience is clearly my closest group of friends. sometimes i feel like in this journey with Him, i've to die a thousand times at least everyday, to yield to let Him have His way because sad to say, the flesh still holds alot of selfish dreams and ambitions. cowardice still stands(shaking) in the face of the taunts of the fake-o roaring lion. i guess thats what surrender is about and i know it delights God's heart and i know inspite of the pain that threatens to kill, and does kill, there is a resurrection of life that follows and that life is sheer zoe. and i've been there so many times. whereby i had to die to myself.and i remember that as i stood there dying in the past, i knew that was the turning point, i knew that it would never be the same again and i knew that moment, somehow i had a faith that just gave me a confidence in God that He does love me so much and will truly take care of everything.


i'm not ashamed to admit that i'm a coward through and through and sometimes i know its out of His love for me that He wants me to take that step into the unknown despite the fear. that its His love that compels Him to want me to give certain things up that are utterly detrimental to the well-being of me. and i know myself that these steps in life are to be taken myself, that no one else can take them for me. sure i can lean on His strength and hold His handbut at the end of the day, i have to make the decision to relinquish my own strength and go ahead and do the deed.

its the slaying of the giant/dragon and unfortunately that dragon lives me in. conversely,fortunately, the dragon slayer oso lives in me. hence, the turmoil and the battle thats waged in me. and despite it being in me, i just have to watch and standby and watch because 'the battle belongs to the Lord'

can someone understand my frustration andmake sense out of my ramblings?its sad not to be understood and its even sadder when everyone thinks they know you when you know they all know just a part of you. i keep toomany secrets, even from you guys and everyone knows a different secret, never the entire picture.

i am a master architect and i build walls so thick(around my heart) and now i concede that maybe i'm the only one who can scream it down in joshua/jericho saga fashion. sometimes there is no room for sentimentalism (something i often fall prey to) and u just have to burn ur diary/blog and start all over again. like how God would have to create a new heaven and earth. theres really nothing left in me that i wanto salvage. nothing good so i have to start all over again. and contrary to some of my friends who truly do love me, i know this is not an instance of low self esteem. (friend, i'll explain to you another day)

its really ok to be in the dark, when you know whose voice you can trust. its ok to give up, coz more will be added, its ok to die because resurrection will come. its really more than ok.

because Jesus loves me.