i won't even bother blogging about work because its soooo not worth it stirring up wrath in me now. i had a good evening with lovely old friends and i'm thankful.
had a medical checkup today to attempt to find out why i fainted. once again, the doctors haven't a single clue coz i seem to be perfectly all right. i'm so not surprised. its always the case...the uncanny thing however is that the pattern which i faint is so cool lah.i faint once every 4 years and it always happens in september. except for one year when it was in may.
perhaps some of you might remember an episode from grey's anatomy whereby a lady had heart attack on the same day every year. it was triggered by a death of a loved one but it was a memory she had surpressed for the longest time. so today, i wondered and searched my incomplete memory to see if i can remember anything traumatic that happened in september.
so in short, one friend quipped that i was like the world cup lah. just a lot less sensational.
and i was telling niq, according to natural unnatural medical science, my nxt scheduled faint will happen on sept 2010.
hur hur.
**
i love dinner today with two of my oldest friends in the world!the stone age gang reunites!and ade even bumped into jonathan leong whom she nearly went to stalk despite long hours at work.yes, and we ALL share the same alma mater lah. i wonder why we never kept in touch with people like that but instead...erm...each other.
THAT ASIDE, i'm glad we never fail to laugh really hard at each other even though we haven't met for ages. i love you girls u noe!more than jonathan leong!
i can't believe we've stuck together for more than a decade even when life has taken us on such separate courses. we used to have sleepovers so often and now we're reduced to dinners every 3 mths if time permits. maybe we shd do a sleepover soon...this time at a frasers suite?i get huge discount.=)
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
puffy eyes and wet pillows
mei ling sent me a song about crying to sleep.
and that triggered so many memories about the times i did so. and how my heart felt like it was broken beyond repair. and the events and people who broke my heart. and broke me.
the good news is i've risen from the ashes each time. like a phoenix. even though every single time i thought there is simply no way i can ever stand up again. because the hurt cuts too deep and i'm only too weak. sometimes the entire healing process takes a day and i wake up the nxt day feeling silly for being such a cry baby. other times, it takes years.
i never was the same again after each episode and every single one altered my life and changed its course. but God was faithful through every single episode. and showed me the power of resurrection in my own life even when i think i'm beyond the grip of His grace.
sometimes when these events resurface in my mind, i still feel a tinge of sadness but i rejoice knowing how God won't waste a single tear i shed and every shred of hurt inflicted , actively turning it around for good. for that i'm so thankful.
its ok if the people never apologised or continue to live in ignorance of hurting me while i struggled to live in denial that i was indeed tremendously hurt. i don't seek an apology or a reconciliation. i'm just thankful God took carved you out of the memory of hurt that i have of you and today i'm free to exhale and inhale love.
maybe if i'd made it known and be brave enough to admit my pain, things would have healed faster. but i never do. i put on a false front and stay so strong den crumble and die inside. i havent arrived at the place where i can be completely vulnerable before human beings so if you've hurt me, unwittingly or not....excuse me while i go drench my pillow with tears.
and that triggered so many memories about the times i did so. and how my heart felt like it was broken beyond repair. and the events and people who broke my heart. and broke me.
the good news is i've risen from the ashes each time. like a phoenix. even though every single time i thought there is simply no way i can ever stand up again. because the hurt cuts too deep and i'm only too weak. sometimes the entire healing process takes a day and i wake up the nxt day feeling silly for being such a cry baby. other times, it takes years.
i never was the same again after each episode and every single one altered my life and changed its course. but God was faithful through every single episode. and showed me the power of resurrection in my own life even when i think i'm beyond the grip of His grace.
sometimes when these events resurface in my mind, i still feel a tinge of sadness but i rejoice knowing how God won't waste a single tear i shed and every shred of hurt inflicted , actively turning it around for good. for that i'm so thankful.
its ok if the people never apologised or continue to live in ignorance of hurting me while i struggled to live in denial that i was indeed tremendously hurt. i don't seek an apology or a reconciliation. i'm just thankful God took carved you out of the memory of hurt that i have of you and today i'm free to exhale and inhale love.
maybe if i'd made it known and be brave enough to admit my pain, things would have healed faster. but i never do. i put on a false front and stay so strong den crumble and die inside. i havent arrived at the place where i can be completely vulnerable before human beings so if you've hurt me, unwittingly or not....excuse me while i go drench my pillow with tears.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
my breakthrough is here.
this is not easy for me to share but i'll do it anyway. i am so full i have to testify.
maybe some of you already know that my relationship with isaac has never really received the full endorsement of my parents , especially my mum as isaac does not meet the natural requirements of what should be the perfect guy for her daughter. he was the anti-thesis of her. being extremely steep in her chinese traditions, isaac being the one who consistently fails chinese and having no clue about what is appropriate at all did not gain much favour. and she'd really much prefer someone who is spilling over with money.because this daughter of hers cannot afford to go hungry. for one single moment. (dun laugh)
she carried too many fears from her own marriage and relationship and the last thing she wanted was her daughter to walk into those exact footsteps. its always been a sore point in our mother-daughter relationship as well as a pain in my heart. i prayed till i gave up and brushed it to the back of my mind because it was a disappointment that was never resolved. i don't expect them to be best friends but i just wanted my mum's blessings. even when i forgot (or tried to forget) for the past three years, God never did.
i let that desire die because i couldn't face up to the fact that God never answered that prayer. it was too painful to deal with it because i hate to confront the fact that it might signal that my God has forgotten me. or that i'm not important enough to warrant His attention.
in the past few months however,i've been meeting random christian strangers and men of God who just feel led to deliver a word of God to me. even during my trip to melb, these interjections of the SAME word did not stop. all they wanted to deliver was a simple message: your breakthrough is here.
i didn't know what that meant. i felt like my life was pretty on track except for a bit of career distress and that my walk with God could be better.
in short,i didn't remember what i thought God forgot.
today during worship in church, my mum engrossed in worship heard the voice of God speak to her. He strictly told her to forgive any trespasses of anyone who has offended her and proceeded to tell her specifically to accept and bless me and isaac.
my mum, being the God-fearing woman that she is wept and struggled. God had spoken but she still had to be unknotted inside. but i guess she conceded that if God could entrust isaac with me, she'd better follow suit. that led to her praying for him and his career..and then us.
my breakthrough is here.
i thought You'd forgotten. i'm sorry i doubted. thank you for being so faithful Jesus.
the river runs and the river hides
out to the ocean and under the sky
i promise you, the answer will come
hold on to patience and watch for the sign
everything in its time
coz maybe there's another plan
one i still can'tsee
a little surprise , like your love in my life
funny how time changes how we see.
-everything in its time-
corrine may
maybe some of you already know that my relationship with isaac has never really received the full endorsement of my parents , especially my mum as isaac does not meet the natural requirements of what should be the perfect guy for her daughter. he was the anti-thesis of her. being extremely steep in her chinese traditions, isaac being the one who consistently fails chinese and having no clue about what is appropriate at all did not gain much favour. and she'd really much prefer someone who is spilling over with money.because this daughter of hers cannot afford to go hungry. for one single moment. (dun laugh)
she carried too many fears from her own marriage and relationship and the last thing she wanted was her daughter to walk into those exact footsteps. its always been a sore point in our mother-daughter relationship as well as a pain in my heart. i prayed till i gave up and brushed it to the back of my mind because it was a disappointment that was never resolved. i don't expect them to be best friends but i just wanted my mum's blessings. even when i forgot (or tried to forget) for the past three years, God never did.
i let that desire die because i couldn't face up to the fact that God never answered that prayer. it was too painful to deal with it because i hate to confront the fact that it might signal that my God has forgotten me. or that i'm not important enough to warrant His attention.
in the past few months however,i've been meeting random christian strangers and men of God who just feel led to deliver a word of God to me. even during my trip to melb, these interjections of the SAME word did not stop. all they wanted to deliver was a simple message: your breakthrough is here.
i didn't know what that meant. i felt like my life was pretty on track except for a bit of career distress and that my walk with God could be better.
in short,i didn't remember what i thought God forgot.
today during worship in church, my mum engrossed in worship heard the voice of God speak to her. He strictly told her to forgive any trespasses of anyone who has offended her and proceeded to tell her specifically to accept and bless me and isaac.
my mum, being the God-fearing woman that she is wept and struggled. God had spoken but she still had to be unknotted inside. but i guess she conceded that if God could entrust isaac with me, she'd better follow suit. that led to her praying for him and his career..and then us.
my breakthrough is here.
i thought You'd forgotten. i'm sorry i doubted. thank you for being so faithful Jesus.
the river runs and the river hides
out to the ocean and under the sky
i promise you, the answer will come
hold on to patience and watch for the sign
everything in its time
coz maybe there's another plan
one i still can'tsee
a little surprise , like your love in my life
funny how time changes how we see.
-everything in its time-
corrine may
Saturday, September 23, 2006
tagged by candice on sept 12.just a leetle late
today i love:
You
meeting up with you after 8 days.
your smell/hugs/kisses
nasi padang.
your call to tell me my mum's prayers worked and God is real in our lives.
freedom to love and to be loved
end to self-loathing
feeling beautiful despite big zit on right cheek simply because You live in me.
your mum's gift of brand's essence and walnut cake after hearing abt my plane drama
my mum tapaoing hokkien mee for me in the vain hope that i'll gain weight.
looking/laughing at melb photos.
talking to old friends on the phone
talking to new friend/kind samaritan who helped me on the plane.
realising that people actually read my blog.
You
meeting up with you after 8 days.
your smell/hugs/kisses
nasi padang.
your call to tell me my mum's prayers worked and God is real in our lives.
freedom to love and to be loved
end to self-loathing
feeling beautiful despite big zit on right cheek simply because You live in me.
your mum's gift of brand's essence and walnut cake after hearing abt my plane drama
my mum tapaoing hokkien mee for me in the vain hope that i'll gain weight.
looking/laughing at melb photos.
talking to old friends on the phone
talking to new friend/kind samaritan who helped me on the plane.
realising that people actually read my blog.
u notice i didn't post any pictures of you after the haircut?
me with mutant turnip in grocer's at little vietnam
she didn't tell me we were gg on the highway.so i drove...
everyone survived.
shuxin and me in monash
pancakes at jerry's
muesli. she tried to radicalize my diet. decided i was too unhealthy and small.
shuxin aunty and me at jerry's.
scrambled eggs with baked beans on toast at jerry's.
healthy yum yum
its so tiring to upload.
ming,shuxin,me,clare,salt
test shot
top:me, shuxin, clarebottom:ming, salt, aunty
ming shuxin me clare salt
eskimo me, clare, shuxin. it was super cold!bbq night
its actualy really dark but my flash is blindingabit of salt, shuxin,me, ming
aunty holding up the torch for us so that we can see our food.
salt and light.
shuxin and me -chapel st
extra happy shot of me. because the food smells really good!
me and josh. trying to capture the church bldg behind.but our faces are too big.
me and salt at oporto's. i loveee cheeken
another eskimo shot of me. trying to cook/pretending to cook.
withdrawal symptoms
on the train tracks on a cold dark night.
shuxin's masterpiece
its so surreal being back home.
i woke up this morning expecting to find myself on the sofa bed shivering from the cold. instead i find myself here warm and snug in sg. i miss them already.
i couldn't post all the pictures on flickr coz there was just too many. i'll post the highlights here instead...
home.
day after our crazy bbq in the cold and dark thing:
woke up. went to monash with shuxin. attended lecture. fell asleep in the library (as usual) .went home to pick aunty up for lunch.found a lost dog. tried to find the dog's home.assumed house at the corner is its home. knocked on the door. owner's not home. unlatched the gate and let the dog in. satisfied thinking we foundthe right place. talked to the neighbours. found out it wassn't house at the corner's dog. panicked somewhat. but went for lunch anyway.
then the rest of the day flew by with me heading downtown to do last min shopping without getting lost and caregrp at night.
den thenxt day it was time to fly home.
and as if you all can get anymore surprised....tadah!
i puked on the plane and fainted after that.
i woke up to find myself with my legs propped high and an oxygen mask over my face. and curious onlookers from other seats staring. yah
but don't worry im ok now.
will post pictures in flikr soon..
woke up. went to monash with shuxin. attended lecture. fell asleep in the library (as usual) .went home to pick aunty up for lunch.found a lost dog. tried to find the dog's home.assumed house at the corner is its home. knocked on the door. owner's not home. unlatched the gate and let the dog in. satisfied thinking we foundthe right place. talked to the neighbours. found out it wassn't house at the corner's dog. panicked somewhat. but went for lunch anyway.
then the rest of the day flew by with me heading downtown to do last min shopping without getting lost and caregrp at night.
den thenxt day it was time to fly home.
and as if you all can get anymore surprised....tadah!
i puked on the plane and fainted after that.
i woke up to find myself with my legs propped high and an oxygen mask over my face. and curious onlookers from other seats staring. yah
but don't worry im ok now.
will post pictures in flikr soon..
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
2nd last night
time really flies. i had the greatest day yet and i'm so thankful to God for todya. had the time of my life laughing with great people. its been a long while since i actually laughed till my tummy aches.
and when that happened, i could almost see God smile. coz i know how much i ache His heart when i'm glum.
we had dinner tonight in almost pitch darkness if not for torchlights in the park in the cold. dinner was great but the company was fantastic.
i really don't wanto go home. the people here are fantastic and i haven't hung out in a group that i'm so comfortable with for ages.
and when that happened, i could almost see God smile. coz i know how much i ache His heart when i'm glum.
we had dinner tonight in almost pitch darkness if not for torchlights in the park in the cold. dinner was great but the company was fantastic.
i really don't wanto go home. the people here are fantastic and i haven't hung out in a group that i'm so comfortable with for ages.
ancient ruins
the lord brought me on a tour of ancient ruins in this trip. here in melbourne, not in angkor wat or rome. i saw how the events of the past shaped my present wrong attitudes and wept bitterly over them.
just when i couldn't feel more broken, He gave me words of life that teleported me right back to the cross, to HIm- the giver and source of life and allowed the liberty bell to ring so loudly i still smile with great grattitude and joy when i hear them.
how beautiful. thank you Jesus.
I really see the necessity and God's hand over this trip. He's been nothing short of real to me and giving me great fellowship and prayer..allowing me to break in the quiet sanctuary where trusted people are around. and for that, i'm so thankful.
then He restores and whips me back into a hurricane of joy. it's like a chocalate fountain. beautiful molten and sweet. infused with love. i know its notjust an endorphin rush but a true steady stream of peace and joy. true richness of life.
it's not just about waking up to a cool morning, birds chirping and friendly stranger that makes life here great. the true key lies in the fact that everything here forces me into the quiet with Him while i confront all the knots in my soul (and despair over them) before i cry out in sheer desperation for Him to unknot me.
There's nothing i want more than to be an avenue for him to shine through to bring GREAT glory to His name. I used to think about it so conciously and m issed the simple truth that God gets the great glory when i'm happy and enjoying Him..when i can smile in a storm and let Him live His life through me. Its nto about achievements or merits and the conquests won in His name. It's about truly acknowledging that ''it is no longer i who live but Christ who lives in me''.
the great divine exchange of His death for my zoe life.
=)
**
selah.
just when i couldn't feel more broken, He gave me words of life that teleported me right back to the cross, to HIm- the giver and source of life and allowed the liberty bell to ring so loudly i still smile with great grattitude and joy when i hear them.
how beautiful. thank you Jesus.
I really see the necessity and God's hand over this trip. He's been nothing short of real to me and giving me great fellowship and prayer..allowing me to break in the quiet sanctuary where trusted people are around. and for that, i'm so thankful.
then He restores and whips me back into a hurricane of joy. it's like a chocalate fountain. beautiful molten and sweet. infused with love. i know its notjust an endorphin rush but a true steady stream of peace and joy. true richness of life.
it's not just about waking up to a cool morning, birds chirping and friendly stranger that makes life here great. the true key lies in the fact that everything here forces me into the quiet with Him while i confront all the knots in my soul (and despair over them) before i cry out in sheer desperation for Him to unknot me.
There's nothing i want more than to be an avenue for him to shine through to bring GREAT glory to His name. I used to think about it so conciously and m issed the simple truth that God gets the great glory when i'm happy and enjoying Him..when i can smile in a storm and let Him live His life through me. Its nto about achievements or merits and the conquests won in His name. It's about truly acknowledging that ''it is no longer i who live but Christ who lives in me''.
the great divine exchange of His death for my zoe life.
=)
**
selah.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
oops she did it again.
most of you prob won't be very surprised.
but i got lost today. a-g-a-i-n.
i went from the usual point a to point b. but i took the wrong train. right platform. wrong train.
so i ended up somewhere far far away.
and i called my mum at the said place called cheltonham and i just couldn't stop laughing (at myself). it was so ulu mulu i was like in another country.
shuxin just went 'again?!' when she heard of my latest lost predicament.nobody is surprised.
but i managed to get back on my own. the strong melbourne winds blew me back. and yes, i lost weight. jeans are loose.
i don't miss home so much anymore except isaac. but i really like the life here. even though i always get lost. every single time...but i've been chatting up random strangers and exchanging emails and stuff. i really like it here. people are so friendly and ican afford to be friendly as well because if u did the same in sg, people will just shoot you a 'siao' look and walk hurriedly away.
will post more pictures soon. dinner today was great. aunty cooked some oxtail stew thing and i ate alot alot of rice. so happy and full. *rubs belly*
can't wait to post pictures. very few of me really..but i forgot to bring my cable.
bbq at the park tomorrow! we have a heated grill thing and a cooler and clean public toilets. shuxin was saying actually we cld pretend to be homeless and camp there too. i'm excited!food and company's going to be great...
yay i know i bore you all these days with my style of disjointed writing but that's pretty much how i am now. s-l-eee-p-y. getting lost takes alot of energy and strength esp when your bags are really heaveee.
but i got lost today. a-g-a-i-n.
i went from the usual point a to point b. but i took the wrong train. right platform. wrong train.
so i ended up somewhere far far away.
and i called my mum at the said place called cheltonham and i just couldn't stop laughing (at myself). it was so ulu mulu i was like in another country.
shuxin just went 'again?!' when she heard of my latest lost predicament.nobody is surprised.
but i managed to get back on my own. the strong melbourne winds blew me back. and yes, i lost weight. jeans are loose.
i don't miss home so much anymore except isaac. but i really like the life here. even though i always get lost. every single time...but i've been chatting up random strangers and exchanging emails and stuff. i really like it here. people are so friendly and ican afford to be friendly as well because if u did the same in sg, people will just shoot you a 'siao' look and walk hurriedly away.
will post more pictures soon. dinner today was great. aunty cooked some oxtail stew thing and i ate alot alot of rice. so happy and full. *rubs belly*
can't wait to post pictures. very few of me really..but i forgot to bring my cable.
bbq at the park tomorrow! we have a heated grill thing and a cooler and clean public toilets. shuxin was saying actually we cld pretend to be homeless and camp there too. i'm excited!food and company's going to be great...
yay i know i bore you all these days with my style of disjointed writing but that's pretty much how i am now. s-l-eee-p-y. getting lost takes alot of energy and strength esp when your bags are really heaveee.
Monday, September 18, 2006
updates from melbourne
shuxin's trying to change me in 8 days.
she thinks i'm too small and unhealthy coz all i eat is junk and i don't even exercise.
so if i go back even skinnier because i refuse to eat the food she tries to feed me, please tie some weights or i'll fly off.
its been pretty awesome here. a personal retreat of sorts. been out visiting her friends for dinners and had nice fellowship.
sunday saw me going to two churches having wonderful spirit filled experiences in the lordand meeting up with even more believers.
jon, if u're reading this i met alot of your friends. and they're really sweet. i wish i brought gifts but now u'll just have to help me convey the msgs.
also went around town on my own. yes, i only got slightly lost. the incidence of that happening is already alot less than previous years so yah..improvement is really good.
didn't do much touristy stuff this time so there was not much pictures to take except pictures of me with people and me doing the stuff we do here..such as...
baking at 10pm. only to realise we don't have eggs at 1030 and driving to the supermarket to pick up the eggs and bake all the way to 4 am.
will post pics ofmy creations really soon. cherished pictures because its the only and last time u'll fidn me baking.its too tiring. we brought it to church the next day and 4 boys ate it dutifully. for that, i'm thankful. was saying that if the review was good...my market value will finally surge after being stagnant for so many years. wish i cld send the products over for isaac's tastebuds but oh well.
we also went out in the cold dark night and laid on the grass to admire the stars. and freeze myself.yes...the fat burning proceess really accelerated in the cold cozmy jeans are now loose. pray for me. that the wind doesn't blow too hard....then shuxin insisted we walked illegally across the traintracks and the super kiasi me who doesn't even usually jaywalk did just that. inthe dark when i cld possibly have tripped over gravel and fell.
thats about it so far.
update again soon.
missing you all.
[heard its been raining back in sg. its really warm here int he day when its not supposed to be.sorry...i brought the sunshine over.]
she thinks i'm too small and unhealthy coz all i eat is junk and i don't even exercise.
so if i go back even skinnier because i refuse to eat the food she tries to feed me, please tie some weights or i'll fly off.
its been pretty awesome here. a personal retreat of sorts. been out visiting her friends for dinners and had nice fellowship.
sunday saw me going to two churches having wonderful spirit filled experiences in the lordand meeting up with even more believers.
jon, if u're reading this i met alot of your friends. and they're really sweet. i wish i brought gifts but now u'll just have to help me convey the msgs.
also went around town on my own. yes, i only got slightly lost. the incidence of that happening is already alot less than previous years so yah..improvement is really good.
didn't do much touristy stuff this time so there was not much pictures to take except pictures of me with people and me doing the stuff we do here..such as...
baking at 10pm. only to realise we don't have eggs at 1030 and driving to the supermarket to pick up the eggs and bake all the way to 4 am.
will post pics ofmy creations really soon. cherished pictures because its the only and last time u'll fidn me baking.its too tiring. we brought it to church the next day and 4 boys ate it dutifully. for that, i'm thankful. was saying that if the review was good...my market value will finally surge after being stagnant for so many years. wish i cld send the products over for isaac's tastebuds but oh well.
we also went out in the cold dark night and laid on the grass to admire the stars. and freeze myself.yes...the fat burning proceess really accelerated in the cold cozmy jeans are now loose. pray for me. that the wind doesn't blow too hard....then shuxin insisted we walked illegally across the traintracks and the super kiasi me who doesn't even usually jaywalk did just that. inthe dark when i cld possibly have tripped over gravel and fell.
thats about it so far.
update again soon.
missing you all.
[heard its been raining back in sg. its really warm here int he day when its not supposed to be.sorry...i brought the sunshine over.]
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
overflow [of tears]
please don't call me during this period. overseas calls are expensive and i'll pass you the hp bill if you call and possibly delete you off friendster!
i'm not coping well. iknow most of you anticipate this and i hate to prove you right. i'm already crying because i miss him so so much. i'm already refusing to go. tmr will be a huge challenge to shove me through the departure gates. once again.
shuxin be warned. prepare ice and cucumber for my eyes pls. thanks. and direct me to the nearest place i can get a calling card.
i'm not coping well. i refuse to pack in my last item of clothing-pyjamas. i miss him so much. jon just called to give me his melb contact and i just bawled into the phone. not good. at all.and he wazznt even sympathetic. he just laughed.
good friend. but i still wanto scream 'INSENSITIVE MEN!'
i'll get over it by and by. when i am truly over it, i'll be on the plane back home and i'll be crying because i miss melbourne so much.
such is me. what to do?
i'm not coping well. iknow most of you anticipate this and i hate to prove you right. i'm already crying because i miss him so so much. i'm already refusing to go. tmr will be a huge challenge to shove me through the departure gates. once again.
shuxin be warned. prepare ice and cucumber for my eyes pls. thanks. and direct me to the nearest place i can get a calling card.
i'm not coping well. i refuse to pack in my last item of clothing-pyjamas. i miss him so much. jon just called to give me his melb contact and i just bawled into the phone. not good. at all.and he wazznt even sympathetic. he just laughed.
good friend. but i still wanto scream 'INSENSITIVE MEN!'
i'll get over it by and by. when i am truly over it, i'll be on the plane back home and i'll be crying because i miss melbourne so much.
such is me. what to do?
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
wishlist
i need...
1)to feel like a princess.
2)to be able to cry in peace.
3)to feel loved
4)affection
5)tourguide
1)to feel like a princess.
2)to be able to cry in peace.
3)to feel loved
4)affection
5)tourguide
pamper me
i just wanto bawl and i don't care whos looking at how ugly i am when i do.
i don't care abt shedding tears in dignity in private. reinhard bonke always said 'dignity is not a fruit of the spirit'. and i admit once and for all that i've NEVER succeeded at sophistication.
i feel so stretched being sick, hard pressed at work and slated to fly off in two days. i wanto throw my head back in laughter instead. and laugh till my tummy aches. not because of diarrhoea which i am afflicted with now.
most of all, i wanto take control of my time.especially when my doctor has ordered complete rest but the calls never quite cease.
i am in a horribly spoilt mood and not handling the situation as well as wisdom would. i'm insisting on my demands and kicking when they are not met.
i wanto cry in someone's arms.
yours preferably.
"dream a little dream for me
in hopes that i remain
cry a little cry for me
so i can bear the flame
hurt a little hurt for me
my future is untold"
i don't care abt shedding tears in dignity in private. reinhard bonke always said 'dignity is not a fruit of the spirit'. and i admit once and for all that i've NEVER succeeded at sophistication.
i feel so stretched being sick, hard pressed at work and slated to fly off in two days. i wanto throw my head back in laughter instead. and laugh till my tummy aches. not because of diarrhoea which i am afflicted with now.
most of all, i wanto take control of my time.especially when my doctor has ordered complete rest but the calls never quite cease.
i am in a horribly spoilt mood and not handling the situation as well as wisdom would. i'm insisting on my demands and kicking when they are not met.
i wanto cry in someone's arms.
yours preferably.
"dream a little dream for me
in hopes that i remain
cry a little cry for me
so i can bear the flame
hurt a little hurt for me
my future is untold"
Sunday, September 10, 2006
indignant
rhetorical questions in the bible
1) What then shall we say to these things/ if God is for us, who can be against us?
2)He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?
3)Who shall bring a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies
4)Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand for us, who also makes intercession for us.
5)who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress or persecution or famine or nakedness, or peril or sword?
pls take time to answer these questions and fill yourself up to the brim with nothing but joy and thanksgiving. thats a true purification of the soul. at least it was so for me.
God's been nudging me all day to check up rhetorical questions asked in the bible.i didn't..until now. was not in the mood to study coz i didn't think it was relevant. didn't realise how the solution to the problem i was facing was just right there in between the lines. =)
i love the indignance in Paul when he threw out these questions. and i smile when i think about the answers. Paul spoke from a position of authority and that came from knowing the answers to the above mentioned questions. How these answers, entrenched in His spirit gave him the power to overcome all that he was going through. it was a mockery, a perdition to the enemy. whoever was trying to deal him with a devastating blow thinking that the circumstances could crush his spirit was dealt with an even more devastating blow- yet another enforcement of his own defeat.
shout hallehlujah!
**
church today was awesome and the simplicity of the msg and the power that came with it shone light into the deepest darkest corners of my soul. its the first time i was preached to by a black pastor and the congregation's fervour and love for the lord was just infectious. the joy of the people flowed with every song they uttered and honestly, now i think i finally saw a glimpse of true worship.
its such a privilege to be caught in the midst of their raw infectious faith. and i realise they had what i never had. the raw spirit of indignance like paul. sure, their challenges are different but they overcome with a spirit that i never had. a determination that is so strong they will not bow to anything except to the Lord Jesus christ. for a nation that is deemed 'third world' , i felt that they were richer than any man on the street here in own homeland. the richness of their soul was a stark contrast to the emptiness we city-dwellers face.
i love them so much and the msg spoke right through my soul.
God really sent them all the way just to speak to me. and for that i'm thankful. i''m no longer surprised when someone comes all the way todeliver a message to set me free from a particular bondage. God came in the flesh himself afterall from heaven to earth.
one day,i'll do the same for someone else out there.yipee!
1) What then shall we say to these things/ if God is for us, who can be against us?
2)He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?
3)Who shall bring a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies
4)Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand for us, who also makes intercession for us.
5)who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress or persecution or famine or nakedness, or peril or sword?
pls take time to answer these questions and fill yourself up to the brim with nothing but joy and thanksgiving. thats a true purification of the soul. at least it was so for me.
God's been nudging me all day to check up rhetorical questions asked in the bible.i didn't..until now. was not in the mood to study coz i didn't think it was relevant. didn't realise how the solution to the problem i was facing was just right there in between the lines. =)
i love the indignance in Paul when he threw out these questions. and i smile when i think about the answers. Paul spoke from a position of authority and that came from knowing the answers to the above mentioned questions. How these answers, entrenched in His spirit gave him the power to overcome all that he was going through. it was a mockery, a perdition to the enemy. whoever was trying to deal him with a devastating blow thinking that the circumstances could crush his spirit was dealt with an even more devastating blow- yet another enforcement of his own defeat.
shout hallehlujah!
**
church today was awesome and the simplicity of the msg and the power that came with it shone light into the deepest darkest corners of my soul. its the first time i was preached to by a black pastor and the congregation's fervour and love for the lord was just infectious. the joy of the people flowed with every song they uttered and honestly, now i think i finally saw a glimpse of true worship.
its such a privilege to be caught in the midst of their raw infectious faith. and i realise they had what i never had. the raw spirit of indignance like paul. sure, their challenges are different but they overcome with a spirit that i never had. a determination that is so strong they will not bow to anything except to the Lord Jesus christ. for a nation that is deemed 'third world' , i felt that they were richer than any man on the street here in own homeland. the richness of their soul was a stark contrast to the emptiness we city-dwellers face.
i love them so much and the msg spoke right through my soul.
God really sent them all the way just to speak to me. and for that i'm thankful. i''m no longer surprised when someone comes all the way todeliver a message to set me free from a particular bondage. God came in the flesh himself afterall from heaven to earth.
one day,i'll do the same for someone else out there.yipee!
Saturday, September 09, 2006
this week..
i'm leaving in 4 days!
i'mtrying not to be reminded about the giant pile of work i still have to clear, the packing i have to do. the people i leave behind.i'll miss my mum all over again even though sometimes i can't wait to break free from her. such is the irony of life.
this week i finally realised how proud of her i really am. and how i want her to be proud of me as well. so far the only inherent talent i boast is the phenomenon of eating a lot and not grow fat and shitting alot as a result of eating alot.
God's been more than an amazing father to us as well. seeing how my mum has metamorphasized into someone entirely different revelling in the His glory and love brings immeasurable comfort to my otherwise worry-sick soul of unbelief. i don't know how and i don't know when but the miracle took place.
now i'm eagerly pressing in and harassing God to do a mighty miracle with me as well. i'm currently a patchwork of unsightly drapes and i need an overhaul in my life, from inside out.
help me Jesus.
**
in the past week i've had two strange dreams: me taking a bus from sg to melb. and duty free not having the cosmetic dept anymore.
was most distressing.
clearly i've been more than very stressed and its been taking quite a huge toll on my personal life. this break away from all that sg is to me will be quite appreciated. for my sanity.thank u Jesus. i look forward to meeting people i havent seen for a long time, the food just time away from the hustle and bustle.
i'm clearly not very coherent right now. i just surived more than 3 hrs in a hairdresser's. i just hope its worth it and i wun have to cut my hair anymore for the next year or so. i'm so tired (and lazy).
"i have made you too small in my eyes
oh lord, forgive me
and i have believed in a lie
that you were unable to help me"
-don moen's be magnified.
"all my regrets, all my acclaim
my joy and my pain
i give them to you
lord i offer my life to you
everything i've been through
use it for your glory
lord i offer my days to you
lifting my praise to you
as a living sacrifice
lord i offer you my life''
i'mtrying not to be reminded about the giant pile of work i still have to clear, the packing i have to do. the people i leave behind.i'll miss my mum all over again even though sometimes i can't wait to break free from her. such is the irony of life.
this week i finally realised how proud of her i really am. and how i want her to be proud of me as well. so far the only inherent talent i boast is the phenomenon of eating a lot and not grow fat and shitting alot as a result of eating alot.
God's been more than an amazing father to us as well. seeing how my mum has metamorphasized into someone entirely different revelling in the His glory and love brings immeasurable comfort to my otherwise worry-sick soul of unbelief. i don't know how and i don't know when but the miracle took place.
now i'm eagerly pressing in and harassing God to do a mighty miracle with me as well. i'm currently a patchwork of unsightly drapes and i need an overhaul in my life, from inside out.
help me Jesus.
**
in the past week i've had two strange dreams: me taking a bus from sg to melb. and duty free not having the cosmetic dept anymore.
was most distressing.
clearly i've been more than very stressed and its been taking quite a huge toll on my personal life. this break away from all that sg is to me will be quite appreciated. for my sanity.thank u Jesus. i look forward to meeting people i havent seen for a long time, the food just time away from the hustle and bustle.
i'm clearly not very coherent right now. i just surived more than 3 hrs in a hairdresser's. i just hope its worth it and i wun have to cut my hair anymore for the next year or so. i'm so tired (and lazy).
"i have made you too small in my eyes
oh lord, forgive me
and i have believed in a lie
that you were unable to help me"
-don moen's be magnified.
"all my regrets, all my acclaim
my joy and my pain
i give them to you
lord i offer my life to you
everything i've been through
use it for your glory
lord i offer my days to you
lifting my praise to you
as a living sacrifice
lord i offer you my life''
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
the dad who can't let go
yah im in abit of shock at the revelation that God is that involved in my life. every detail of it has His fingerprint on it. only someone madly in love wld do things like these and it still shocks me that He fits the description.
i don't know where to begin except that i've made the decision to step into 'the office' again. to me, (at least back then) it was worse than stepping into a principal's office to receive my verdict and sentence. stepping into that office was a mockery in itself each time. because someone in that office asked to see me. because something was not right with me. because they think they need to help me. because they need to set things straight. no matter how i paraphrase the above few lines, it boiled down to 'something is not right...with you'.
despite hearing how right i am in the eyes of God from the pulpit week after week, when confronted with the incongruency that is served to me from that office just two storeys above, i let the 'upper room ' verdict triumph in my life. which ironically and sadly culminated in several painful defeats in life.
so i thought i would never be asked back in again. afterall, i'd made a decision to officially leave my church membership behind more than a year ago. and i'm officially a non-official member since i'd also left the church i'd first left them for. (ok i know this is complicated). that aside, i'm still really looking for home. and forthe people i can build ahome with or who would let me into their home.
its not been easy homeless. how i got asked back into that office is another marvel in itself. my mom had invited a pastor A to cometo our house. pastor B came instead when pastor A assigned him to since he had other commitments. Pastor B prior to coming to my hse had never met me. however, he'd heard of some saga(which happened 3 years) with regards to me 3 weeks ago. He stepped in,saw my photo and realised i was the one that was mentioned. i don'tknowif it was mentioned over official gossip although its highly probable but idon't care anymore.
anyway, back to what i was saying..pastor B then proceeded to inquire about me. He decided vehemently it was no coincidence that out of 12 pastors, he was the one chosen to come. and it was no coincidence someone brought me up to him. and it was no coincidence he chanced upon that photo. and it was no coincidence all the way. that it was God incidence and He had to meet me to give me a word.
i've been asking for the prophetic to increase in my life. now igot it. but i'm notsure if i want it.
i was then 'tasked' by my parents who were 'tasked' by him at least three times to get back to him and they too related how he kept saying how important it was. coz theres something i need to hear from God.
i refused to go initially and i know at this point some of you think i deserve to be slapped. but then you really don't understand what happened three years ago and how it affected me. and now to bring it up into the light again, at the risk of the calluses that had formed so carefully over my heart breaking and exposing those wounds translates into the risk i'm taking. yes,the risk to be healed.
alot of scenarious are running through my head. perhaps he'd tell me that 'oops wrong girl ar!" when i see him or perhaps...i don't know. perhaps God just wants this to happen for reasons above mine.
nevertheless, thank you Lord. i can't say i have a positive expectation of good that will comeout of this but i know its Him and if there's something i needto know, good bad or ugly....i'll have the grace to deal with it.
i don't know where to begin except that i've made the decision to step into 'the office' again. to me, (at least back then) it was worse than stepping into a principal's office to receive my verdict and sentence. stepping into that office was a mockery in itself each time. because someone in that office asked to see me. because something was not right with me. because they think they need to help me. because they need to set things straight. no matter how i paraphrase the above few lines, it boiled down to 'something is not right...with you'.
despite hearing how right i am in the eyes of God from the pulpit week after week, when confronted with the incongruency that is served to me from that office just two storeys above, i let the 'upper room ' verdict triumph in my life. which ironically and sadly culminated in several painful defeats in life.
so i thought i would never be asked back in again. afterall, i'd made a decision to officially leave my church membership behind more than a year ago. and i'm officially a non-official member since i'd also left the church i'd first left them for. (ok i know this is complicated). that aside, i'm still really looking for home. and forthe people i can build ahome with or who would let me into their home.
its not been easy homeless. how i got asked back into that office is another marvel in itself. my mom had invited a pastor A to cometo our house. pastor B came instead when pastor A assigned him to since he had other commitments. Pastor B prior to coming to my hse had never met me. however, he'd heard of some saga(which happened 3 years) with regards to me 3 weeks ago. He stepped in,saw my photo and realised i was the one that was mentioned. i don'tknowif it was mentioned over official gossip although its highly probable but idon't care anymore.
anyway, back to what i was saying..pastor B then proceeded to inquire about me. He decided vehemently it was no coincidence that out of 12 pastors, he was the one chosen to come. and it was no coincidence someone brought me up to him. and it was no coincidence he chanced upon that photo. and it was no coincidence all the way. that it was God incidence and He had to meet me to give me a word.
i've been asking for the prophetic to increase in my life. now igot it. but i'm notsure if i want it.
i was then 'tasked' by my parents who were 'tasked' by him at least three times to get back to him and they too related how he kept saying how important it was. coz theres something i need to hear from God.
i refused to go initially and i know at this point some of you think i deserve to be slapped. but then you really don't understand what happened three years ago and how it affected me. and now to bring it up into the light again, at the risk of the calluses that had formed so carefully over my heart breaking and exposing those wounds translates into the risk i'm taking. yes,the risk to be healed.
alot of scenarious are running through my head. perhaps he'd tell me that 'oops wrong girl ar!" when i see him or perhaps...i don't know. perhaps God just wants this to happen for reasons above mine.
nevertheless, thank you Lord. i can't say i have a positive expectation of good that will comeout of this but i know its Him and if there's something i needto know, good bad or ugly....i'll have the grace to deal with it.
Monday, August 28, 2006
a day in the life of me
inspired my niq. whom i met for lunch today. coincidentally, having lunch with a friend is the only ' normal' human activity engaged today.
i didn't sleep again last night. not a wink and i stumbled to work almost headless. it felt like my head was empty. (pls dun laugh and agree). it was horrible and i was miserable. if not for the fact that the last cockroach was found under the table, i'd have gone under the table to take a nap since i was alone.
then came two meetings back to back. and another two, completely unplanned. i hate it so so much when people drop by unannounced and announce instead that they want me to do this this and that that when i don't even have the authority to. what they mean is they want ME to tell my boss what to do. as if that was the normal scheme of things either. i don't understand people. but then again, as my colleague frequently insinuates that i'm abnormal by going 'seriously, where did you park your spaceship?' ..i suppose they're the 'normal' ones after all.
so unannounced man decided to digress when i was already late for lunch appointmetn with niq. to discuss instead that i should have more boyfriends. amongst many other things. and even TRIED to quote scriptures from the bible (we attend the same church,to my disgust) to qualify himself. he insisted the verse to date more was in the bible. so i gave my bible to him and true enough, he didn't find the said verse.
i erm appreciate (sorta) his concern about my lifelong happiness because this man often drops by to give me career advice too. such as "you are in the wrong line!i'm gg to tell your boss!you shd be a singer!"
yah stuff like that. wait till he hears me sing. hurhur.
the ultimate highlight of the day is that i got a treat at hagen dazs!thanks to another nice man. perks of the job followed by a full-length interview as to why 'strawberry cheesecake' is my favouritest flavour.
ok theother highlight is that today my boss spoke to me about my jobscope. as some of you know, i'm currently 'bao ka liao'. from operations to techinical stuff to leasing/marketing and endless reports. then he broke the news that like at least 3 people will be coming in to take over areas of my portfolio and when he said that i was like 'huh?den what will i do?"
THENNNNN *drumrollllll*
he said i could concentrate on leasing which was wat i always always always wanted to dolah!!when i joined the company i told them that was what i wanted to do, but they said i got wrong degree wrong this no experience etc etc. and they asked me to do operations. and after tt colleague who was doing leasing left so i took over. den i thought whenthey hire someone, i'd go back to sad sad operations but TADAH!!!praise God. i got what i want and i get to concentrate on it.and now they're even getting someone to train me in all the legal and dunno wat stuff abt leasing. so that i'll be really trained and earn some credibility.
ok i'm so very thankful.praise God.i am amazed by how He so ingeniusly orchestrated behind the scenes just so He could give me my heart's desire. and now that i have like knowledge from theground and operations, its really a double edged sword that will truly give me an erm..edge.i'm so amazed at how i got entry into this industry , the opportunities and the opportunities even when i don't have anything in the natural to qualify myself for the job.
the latest?i've even learnt to read drawing plans of buildings that go beyond the floor layout. but stuff like plumbing plans, electrical wiring plans etc.
i'm fine as long as they don't make me draw lah. i mean for my previous job i literally donned a helmet and climbed into construction sites in my heels to survey the site. so i'm already very thankful for this.
**
drink coca cola pls.
i didn't sleep again last night. not a wink and i stumbled to work almost headless. it felt like my head was empty. (pls dun laugh and agree). it was horrible and i was miserable. if not for the fact that the last cockroach was found under the table, i'd have gone under the table to take a nap since i was alone.
then came two meetings back to back. and another two, completely unplanned. i hate it so so much when people drop by unannounced and announce instead that they want me to do this this and that that when i don't even have the authority to. what they mean is they want ME to tell my boss what to do. as if that was the normal scheme of things either. i don't understand people. but then again, as my colleague frequently insinuates that i'm abnormal by going 'seriously, where did you park your spaceship?' ..i suppose they're the 'normal' ones after all.
so unannounced man decided to digress when i was already late for lunch appointmetn with niq. to discuss instead that i should have more boyfriends. amongst many other things. and even TRIED to quote scriptures from the bible (we attend the same church,to my disgust) to qualify himself. he insisted the verse to date more was in the bible. so i gave my bible to him and true enough, he didn't find the said verse.
i erm appreciate (sorta) his concern about my lifelong happiness because this man often drops by to give me career advice too. such as "you are in the wrong line!i'm gg to tell your boss!you shd be a singer!"
yah stuff like that. wait till he hears me sing. hurhur.
the ultimate highlight of the day is that i got a treat at hagen dazs!thanks to another nice man. perks of the job followed by a full-length interview as to why 'strawberry cheesecake' is my favouritest flavour.
ok theother highlight is that today my boss spoke to me about my jobscope. as some of you know, i'm currently 'bao ka liao'. from operations to techinical stuff to leasing/marketing and endless reports. then he broke the news that like at least 3 people will be coming in to take over areas of my portfolio and when he said that i was like 'huh?den what will i do?"
THENNNNN *drumrollllll*
he said i could concentrate on leasing which was wat i always always always wanted to dolah!!when i joined the company i told them that was what i wanted to do, but they said i got wrong degree wrong this no experience etc etc. and they asked me to do operations. and after tt colleague who was doing leasing left so i took over. den i thought whenthey hire someone, i'd go back to sad sad operations but TADAH!!!praise God. i got what i want and i get to concentrate on it.and now they're even getting someone to train me in all the legal and dunno wat stuff abt leasing. so that i'll be really trained and earn some credibility.
ok i'm so very thankful.praise God.i am amazed by how He so ingeniusly orchestrated behind the scenes just so He could give me my heart's desire. and now that i have like knowledge from theground and operations, its really a double edged sword that will truly give me an erm..edge.i'm so amazed at how i got entry into this industry , the opportunities and the opportunities even when i don't have anything in the natural to qualify myself for the job.
the latest?i've even learnt to read drawing plans of buildings that go beyond the floor layout. but stuff like plumbing plans, electrical wiring plans etc.
i'm fine as long as they don't make me draw lah. i mean for my previous job i literally donned a helmet and climbed into construction sites in my heels to survey the site. so i'm already very thankful for this.
**
drink coca cola pls.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
lee hom!
i really really wanto watch him when he comes to singapore on oct 21st
and i really need friends (actually just breathing human beings) to go with mee!!
so if u're interested pls let me know.
okok i'm desperate. enemies oso can. i'll make peace with you. strangers also can. just bear with me. buy you dinner later.
tickets are from $28 to $128. pleaseee
and i really need friends (actually just breathing human beings) to go with mee!!
so if u're interested pls let me know.
okok i'm desperate. enemies oso can. i'll make peace with you. strangers also can. just bear with me. buy you dinner later.
tickets are from $28 to $128. pleaseee
Thursday, August 24, 2006
garang guniang
there was this garang guniang who was the only female and the youngest employee in her company. her office was haunted as there were strange occurrences of things moving on their own and sightings of a man/woman.
the older erm men were scared when they finally saw it one day. little did they realise that the garang girl had already seen it so many times before when she was often left alone in the office and even went on working while shooing it off with the only (but most potent) power vested in her.
no she didn't let out her shrill siren-like scream. she went '' argh. this is my work place. leave me alone. GOOOO in Jesus name!" she couldn't even finish her sentence before the poor hell-destined spirit fled for its ''life''.
so now the older men think shez very funny(euphemism for strange). coz while they're thinking abt hiring a priest to bless this place, the garang girl has offered her priestly services at no charge. that they shd just give her some bread and ribena for it all to work. but they all acknowledge that when shez around, no trouble from the 'IT'. when shez not around, things start moving on their own and casper's friends pay a visit.
so i suggest they take her advice and give her the bread and ribena and let her do her thing. yes, it might be the same girl who barged into her boss' office to hide from a cockroach but she can rid the place of ITs.
the older erm men were scared when they finally saw it one day. little did they realise that the garang girl had already seen it so many times before when she was often left alone in the office and even went on working while shooing it off with the only (but most potent) power vested in her.
no she didn't let out her shrill siren-like scream. she went '' argh. this is my work place. leave me alone. GOOOO in Jesus name!" she couldn't even finish her sentence before the poor hell-destined spirit fled for its ''life''.
so now the older men think shez very funny(euphemism for strange). coz while they're thinking abt hiring a priest to bless this place, the garang girl has offered her priestly services at no charge. that they shd just give her some bread and ribena for it all to work. but they all acknowledge that when shez around, no trouble from the 'IT'. when shez not around, things start moving on their own and casper's friends pay a visit.
so i suggest they take her advice and give her the bread and ribena and let her do her thing. yes, it might be the same girl who barged into her boss' office to hide from a cockroach but she can rid the place of ITs.
worth it.
who defines and sets the measures as to what is truly 'worth it'?
by what/whose standards?
i don't wanto decide what's worth it or not. especially right now when it seems like the returns are zilch. i've received much and therefore i give freely. considering and weighing the pros and cons are just gg to add weights to my own skinny frame instead. and i'm afraid this skinny frame can only hold that much...
as this line rings in my head throughout the past two days as to what is truly 'worth it'...i realise my own unworthiness. as beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, so is 'worth'. we don't decide our worth. thank God. coz inflated egos will inflate their own worth and send us all reeling to outer space. it also spares us from self-pity which i believe is almost akin to a satanic activity. (too much pain).
i'm glad that He decided my worth. my high priest in heaven who came as an offering himself. and the Holy trinity decided in the courts of heaven that i'm worth it. i'm worth the price, the blood, the gruelling journey from heaven to earth ...and then to hell. so i refuse to barter what's worth it with fellow men. coz while my life and my being might be worthless to mortal men, i choose to price it like the rarest gem because of my own estimation of the sacrifice (which i pray will increase everyday). i was worth the fight with the kingdom of darkness. i was won over and ransomed so that darkness can no longer lay a claim to my life. so that i can belong entirely to Jesus and this is how i will live.
i'm so heartened that the creator of Heaven thinks i'm worth it. its inexpressible especially when i've been confronted with the blunt truth of fellow human beings who has openly declared with actions and words that i'm not worth it.
i'm not going to return that comment or even let it sink an inch into my being. i just wish i had the chance to tell you and you and you that God thinks you are worth it and i share His sentiments.
by what/whose standards?
i don't wanto decide what's worth it or not. especially right now when it seems like the returns are zilch. i've received much and therefore i give freely. considering and weighing the pros and cons are just gg to add weights to my own skinny frame instead. and i'm afraid this skinny frame can only hold that much...
as this line rings in my head throughout the past two days as to what is truly 'worth it'...i realise my own unworthiness. as beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, so is 'worth'. we don't decide our worth. thank God. coz inflated egos will inflate their own worth and send us all reeling to outer space. it also spares us from self-pity which i believe is almost akin to a satanic activity. (too much pain).
i'm glad that He decided my worth. my high priest in heaven who came as an offering himself. and the Holy trinity decided in the courts of heaven that i'm worth it. i'm worth the price, the blood, the gruelling journey from heaven to earth ...and then to hell. so i refuse to barter what's worth it with fellow men. coz while my life and my being might be worthless to mortal men, i choose to price it like the rarest gem because of my own estimation of the sacrifice (which i pray will increase everyday). i was worth the fight with the kingdom of darkness. i was won over and ransomed so that darkness can no longer lay a claim to my life. so that i can belong entirely to Jesus and this is how i will live.
i'm so heartened that the creator of Heaven thinks i'm worth it. its inexpressible especially when i've been confronted with the blunt truth of fellow human beings who has openly declared with actions and words that i'm not worth it.
i'm not going to return that comment or even let it sink an inch into my being. i just wish i had the chance to tell you and you and you that God thinks you are worth it and i share His sentiments.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
find rest, my soul
"father you are king over the flood
I will be still
and know You are God"
-Still, Hillsongs
I will be still
and know You are God"
-Still, Hillsongs
psalm 31:12-24
I am a reproach among allmy enemies,
but especially among my neighbors
and i am repulsive to my acquaintances
those who see me outside flee from me.
i am forgotten like a dead man, out of mind
i am like a broken vessel
for i hearthe slanderof many
fear is on every side
while they take counsel together against me,
they scheme to take away my life
but as for me, i trust in You, O Lord
I say, "You are my God''
My times are in Your hand
Deliver me from the hand of my enemies
and from those who persecute me.
Make your face shine upon Your servant
Save me for Your Mercies' sake.
Do notlet me be ashamed, O lord, for I have called upon You.
Let the wicked be ashamed.
Let them be silent in the grave.
Let the lying lips be put to silence
which speak insolent things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.
Oh, how great is Your goodness
Which You have laid up for those who fear You
Which You have prepared for those who trust inYou
In the presence of the sons of men!
You shall hide them in the secret place of Your presence
from the plots of man
You shall keep them secretly in a pavilion
from the strife of tongues.
Blessed be the Lord
For He hasshown me His marvelous kindness in a strong city!
For i said inmy haste,
"I am cut off from before Your eyes"
Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications
When I cried out to You
Oh, love the Lord, all you His saints!
for the Lord preserves the faithful
and fully repays the proud person
be of good courage
and He shall strengthen your heart
all you who hope in the Lord.
but especially among my neighbors
and i am repulsive to my acquaintances
those who see me outside flee from me.
i am forgotten like a dead man, out of mind
i am like a broken vessel
for i hearthe slanderof many
fear is on every side
while they take counsel together against me,
they scheme to take away my life
but as for me, i trust in You, O Lord
I say, "You are my God''
My times are in Your hand
Deliver me from the hand of my enemies
and from those who persecute me.
Make your face shine upon Your servant
Save me for Your Mercies' sake.
Do notlet me be ashamed, O lord, for I have called upon You.
Let the wicked be ashamed.
Let them be silent in the grave.
Let the lying lips be put to silence
which speak insolent things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.
Oh, how great is Your goodness
Which You have laid up for those who fear You
Which You have prepared for those who trust inYou
In the presence of the sons of men!
You shall hide them in the secret place of Your presence
from the plots of man
You shall keep them secretly in a pavilion
from the strife of tongues.
Blessed be the Lord
For He hasshown me His marvelous kindness in a strong city!
For i said inmy haste,
"I am cut off from before Your eyes"
Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications
When I cried out to You
Oh, love the Lord, all you His saints!
for the Lord preserves the faithful
and fully repays the proud person
be of good courage
and He shall strengthen your heart
all you who hope in the Lord.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
hanged
L to R: my nameless rat-like hippo, sherbert, pohpiah, porkchop, zhu touAbsent: yang yang (whom i refused to send to wash with the rest because he is white)
God of small things
even when my life is severely disarrayed (thanks to work and nonsense) and i find myself caught in a mini but brewing storm , i see Him in the clouds. actually, He is standing above the clouds reminding me that Heaven is just on the other side.
i hate to admit this but i really don't know God. i dont know His heart. even after 10 years, i still find myself so often back at square one wondering His plan and His purpose and what in the world is He thinking when He sees me and what i am going through. i was never made to second guess Him or to beat Him to the right answer but to trust.
i guess thats it. that i just really have to believe that His love is not to be held hostage by the circumstances in my life. that He really does have my best interests at heart and i am a priority in His scheme of things.
its been difficult at work but i've been shown no less mercy and grace. even when human relations get a tad bit tacky and sticky and i just wanto flush myself down the toiletbowl to escape it all, i've somehow emerged higher and better. much to the chagrin of people who think i'm too young and blur and simple to manage anything. little do they realise that they are indeed right but the secret behind the magic is my Lord, quietly operating behind the scenes like a faithful servant without claim of immediate credit when He is actually the Lord of the universe.
as much as i'm humbled, telling these incensed souls that 'it's Jesus' will just hate Him even more. which is why i refrained. in this case. i don't know if its the right thing because i like to think of myself of jumping to give glory to God first (maybe a vain attempt to believe i, am capable of not shaming His name ALL THE TIME).
as it is right now, Jesus does not have a very good name in the workplace. i really want Him to shine. even if its not through me. because so many people need to know that if there's any light at all at the end of the tunnel, its Him. and tunnel life is so not fun. somehow, as much as i wanto broadcast Him in the workplace, i feel like i have to refrain and let my actions and practices demonstrate them instead.
it's easier said than done of coz. but if i've learnt anything at all, actions really do speak volumes more than words. gossip,practicing double standards,lying may be common practices of the world but a child of God is to have no share in these things. a high standard to live up to for most but if we see the purity that His righteousness entails and all that we've been vested with to be empowered to live THAT kinda life...is it not the least bit alluring to even want that for ourselves?
i hate to admit this but i really don't know God. i dont know His heart. even after 10 years, i still find myself so often back at square one wondering His plan and His purpose and what in the world is He thinking when He sees me and what i am going through. i was never made to second guess Him or to beat Him to the right answer but to trust.
i guess thats it. that i just really have to believe that His love is not to be held hostage by the circumstances in my life. that He really does have my best interests at heart and i am a priority in His scheme of things.
its been difficult at work but i've been shown no less mercy and grace. even when human relations get a tad bit tacky and sticky and i just wanto flush myself down the toiletbowl to escape it all, i've somehow emerged higher and better. much to the chagrin of people who think i'm too young and blur and simple to manage anything. little do they realise that they are indeed right but the secret behind the magic is my Lord, quietly operating behind the scenes like a faithful servant without claim of immediate credit when He is actually the Lord of the universe.
as much as i'm humbled, telling these incensed souls that 'it's Jesus' will just hate Him even more. which is why i refrained. in this case. i don't know if its the right thing because i like to think of myself of jumping to give glory to God first (maybe a vain attempt to believe i, am capable of not shaming His name ALL THE TIME).
as it is right now, Jesus does not have a very good name in the workplace. i really want Him to shine. even if its not through me. because so many people need to know that if there's any light at all at the end of the tunnel, its Him. and tunnel life is so not fun. somehow, as much as i wanto broadcast Him in the workplace, i feel like i have to refrain and let my actions and practices demonstrate them instead.
it's easier said than done of coz. but if i've learnt anything at all, actions really do speak volumes more than words. gossip,practicing double standards,lying may be common practices of the world but a child of God is to have no share in these things. a high standard to live up to for most but if we see the purity that His righteousness entails and all that we've been vested with to be empowered to live THAT kinda life...is it not the least bit alluring to even want that for ourselves?
Friday, August 18, 2006
blessings to count
3 years on, he still celebrates that he is the privileged guy who gets to hold my hand. with sole exclusive rights. and i remember exactly why i chose him. (and contrary to popular belief, its not because i have no choice!) and how despite the lack of the grandeur of the sparks ignited from whirlwind romances, i was swept away. i always wondered what it was about him that never ceased to make my heart melt because he is commonly described as a woodblock and even i, cannot dispute that.
he didn't come with roses(not even a blade of grass), poems and excessive sweet nothings. actually, he didn't come with anything apart from a hope that i'll choose to love him back. and his hope in Him truly did not disappoint.
for this i'll be forever thankful.
he never could give me all the accessories of romance that hollywood painted (which unfortunately has unconciously been etched in my perception as a fairytale romance) ie. romantic dinners, flowers flowers flowers, gifts etc. but he never failed to let me know the priority that i am. that when i'm a wreck at 3 am and he is sleep deprived, he'll still be there. that when i'm pimply, i'm still beautiful. that when i'm impossible to love, his commitment to me still stands.
for these, i'll be forever glad.
things like that make everything else worthwhile.
i'm the richest girl in this world. because i have isaac quek.
thank you Jesus. for his birth, his salvation, his redemption, his future.
and i melt again.
he didn't come with roses(not even a blade of grass), poems and excessive sweet nothings. actually, he didn't come with anything apart from a hope that i'll choose to love him back. and his hope in Him truly did not disappoint.
for this i'll be forever thankful.
he never could give me all the accessories of romance that hollywood painted (which unfortunately has unconciously been etched in my perception as a fairytale romance) ie. romantic dinners, flowers flowers flowers, gifts etc. but he never failed to let me know the priority that i am. that when i'm a wreck at 3 am and he is sleep deprived, he'll still be there. that when i'm pimply, i'm still beautiful. that when i'm impossible to love, his commitment to me still stands.
for these, i'll be forever glad.
things like that make everything else worthwhile.
i'm the richest girl in this world. because i have isaac quek.
thank you Jesus. for his birth, his salvation, his redemption, his future.
and i melt again.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
I am..
the cry of your heart
the reason for the cruxifixion
the product of the ressurection
the target of your love
the home of your spirit
the magic of your creation
the miracle of your redemption
the motivation of of the cross
the daughter of God.
the reason for the cruxifixion
the product of the ressurection
the target of your love
the home of your spirit
the magic of your creation
the miracle of your redemption
the motivation of of the cross
the daughter of God.
need colleagues/friends at work.
work hassn't been smooth but nonetheless graced.
this week i find myself counting down endlessly to the day i take off for melb. i really need to get away from work. people relations haven't been easy and suddenly i'm thrusted from working aloneto working with people i don't quite know how to gel with.
feeling like i've been given more responsibilities and expected to over perform without any recognition and compensation. sounds like a looong grumble looming ahead and i'm afraid to indulge myself too.
all i wanto do is hide in His arms.away fr it all.
this week the only line that kept ringing in my spirit is that "God does not give us overcoming life but gives us life as we overcome''. by oswald chambers i think.
pray for me before i scream at somebody.
this week i find myself counting down endlessly to the day i take off for melb. i really need to get away from work. people relations haven't been easy and suddenly i'm thrusted from working aloneto working with people i don't quite know how to gel with.
feeling like i've been given more responsibilities and expected to over perform without any recognition and compensation. sounds like a looong grumble looming ahead and i'm afraid to indulge myself too.
all i wanto do is hide in His arms.away fr it all.
this week the only line that kept ringing in my spirit is that "God does not give us overcoming life but gives us life as we overcome''. by oswald chambers i think.
pray for me before i scream at somebody.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
National Day
8 Aug:
10 am: mee rubus
12pm: nasi padang with extra rice.
7 pm: 1 plate of chicken rice
8pm: 2 tau kwa poks.
9 Aug:
7.30 am: diarrhoea
9.30 am: 1 plate of chicken mushroom spaghetti + soup
12 pm: basil chicken with rice (thai)
12.30 : bowl of caesar's salad
3pm: prata
5pm: 1 bowl of laksa
6.30 pm: dinner at home (rice, red date chicken, more soup, abalone, fried fish, tofu etc)
8.50 pm (now): i think what i'm feeling now is commonly known as indigestion.
happy birthday singapore
*burp*
10 am: mee rubus
12pm: nasi padang with extra rice.
7 pm: 1 plate of chicken rice
8pm: 2 tau kwa poks.
9 Aug:
7.30 am: diarrhoea
9.30 am: 1 plate of chicken mushroom spaghetti + soup
12 pm: basil chicken with rice (thai)
12.30 : bowl of caesar's salad
3pm: prata
5pm: 1 bowl of laksa
6.30 pm: dinner at home (rice, red date chicken, more soup, abalone, fried fish, tofu etc)
8.50 pm (now): i think what i'm feeling now is commonly known as indigestion.
happy birthday singapore
*burp*
Saturday, July 29, 2006
deaftones
disclaimer: on sat mornings, i blog a lot.
woman on the line: can i direct this to your attention?
me: why do you wanto speak to my technician?
woman on the line: no...i wanto direct this to your attention.
me: but the technicians are on the floor right now...is it urgent?
woman on the line: NOOOO. CAN I DIRECT THIS TO YOUR ATTENTION?
i got it in the end. at the very end. and at two ends of the phoneline, there was one very frustrated exasperated lady and one very embarassed sheep.
woman on the line: can i direct this to your attention?
me: why do you wanto speak to my technician?
woman on the line: no...i wanto direct this to your attention.
me: but the technicians are on the floor right now...is it urgent?
woman on the line: NOOOO. CAN I DIRECT THIS TO YOUR ATTENTION?
i got it in the end. at the very end. and at two ends of the phoneline, there was one very frustrated exasperated lady and one very embarassed sheep.
it's easier to borrow someone's words to express how you feel
agreed.
" it turns out that what's important is not everything that you've accumulated all these years, but those few things you can carry with you"
"you can boil your life down to a single suitcase, if you desperately have to.."
-delia hopkins
"..history is indellible. you can mask it; you can patch it smooth and clear; but you will always know what's hidden underneath"
-Fitzwilliams something (i don't know his surname)
"how little remains of the man i once was, save the memory of him!but remembering is only a new form of suffering."
-Charles Baudelaire, La Fanfarlo
**
because i don't seem to have my own words. because i've turned into a handicap when it comes to verbalising and articulation. because im a volcano waiting to erupt.
i feel like this stage of my life involves just gathering artillery, building myself up even when i feel utterly devoid of strength...but i still have to rely on the captain of my heart to soldier me on. isaac once said that in life"you're either preparing to be tested or tested". it's so true. i don't know what we are gearing ourselves for, neither are we actively relishing the fighter mode. we do try to enjoy life, steal time out from busy schedules together but i can't help but feel that we're heading straight for a hurricane...and if we perservere long enough, we'll get into the eye of the hurricane and there'll be peace, not just within but upon.
either way, i expect and wanto pass the test.
this period might appear in the history of my life as truly insignificant. with no particular blow ups or cotton candy skies. but it will not. i'll color it myself if i have to. pray for rain so that i'll see the rainbow.
i refuse to resign myself to the mundaneness that threatens to characterize every living day. i can't help but notice how fast time whizzes past and a strange fear grips me. i don't like to know i'm not actively living every minute and have seconds stolen from me. i wanto live each second circumspectly. i only have a 100 years more...and thats only if Jesus tarries.
i need to work hand in hand with my lord to make something out of this life that He's graced me with. that i will not be common despite being ordinary in the eyes of man. that i'll fulfil His plans and purpose and abandon mine...if they don't fuse anytime soon.
i don't like the feeling of being separate entities of the one i love. esp Jesus and isaac. and it feels especially so when our interests and wants clash and i'm tempted to walk down a separate way. (God forbid)when our interests clash, i know somehow, especially in the case of Jesus, i can't seem to make Him see my point. at least i can try to 'influence' isaac. with the dear omnipotent lord, my word of advice to anyone currently in the same shoes is 'dont even try'.
but i've learnt along the way it only pays to submit. not because fire and brimstone will rain if you don't but He already had your best interests at heart when He wrote those plans. as long as i recognize and acknowledge that often enough, i'll know for sure that truly 'nothing separates me from His love"
**
mei ling comes home on aug 1!!
" it turns out that what's important is not everything that you've accumulated all these years, but those few things you can carry with you"
"you can boil your life down to a single suitcase, if you desperately have to.."
-delia hopkins
"..history is indellible. you can mask it; you can patch it smooth and clear; but you will always know what's hidden underneath"
-Fitzwilliams something (i don't know his surname)
"how little remains of the man i once was, save the memory of him!but remembering is only a new form of suffering."
-Charles Baudelaire, La Fanfarlo
**
because i don't seem to have my own words. because i've turned into a handicap when it comes to verbalising and articulation. because im a volcano waiting to erupt.
i feel like this stage of my life involves just gathering artillery, building myself up even when i feel utterly devoid of strength...but i still have to rely on the captain of my heart to soldier me on. isaac once said that in life"you're either preparing to be tested or tested". it's so true. i don't know what we are gearing ourselves for, neither are we actively relishing the fighter mode. we do try to enjoy life, steal time out from busy schedules together but i can't help but feel that we're heading straight for a hurricane...and if we perservere long enough, we'll get into the eye of the hurricane and there'll be peace, not just within but upon.
either way, i expect and wanto pass the test.
this period might appear in the history of my life as truly insignificant. with no particular blow ups or cotton candy skies. but it will not. i'll color it myself if i have to. pray for rain so that i'll see the rainbow.
i refuse to resign myself to the mundaneness that threatens to characterize every living day. i can't help but notice how fast time whizzes past and a strange fear grips me. i don't like to know i'm not actively living every minute and have seconds stolen from me. i wanto live each second circumspectly. i only have a 100 years more...and thats only if Jesus tarries.
i need to work hand in hand with my lord to make something out of this life that He's graced me with. that i will not be common despite being ordinary in the eyes of man. that i'll fulfil His plans and purpose and abandon mine...if they don't fuse anytime soon.
i don't like the feeling of being separate entities of the one i love. esp Jesus and isaac. and it feels especially so when our interests and wants clash and i'm tempted to walk down a separate way. (God forbid)when our interests clash, i know somehow, especially in the case of Jesus, i can't seem to make Him see my point. at least i can try to 'influence' isaac. with the dear omnipotent lord, my word of advice to anyone currently in the same shoes is 'dont even try'.
but i've learnt along the way it only pays to submit. not because fire and brimstone will rain if you don't but He already had your best interests at heart when He wrote those plans. as long as i recognize and acknowledge that often enough, i'll know for sure that truly 'nothing separates me from His love"
**
mei ling comes home on aug 1!!
Friday, July 28, 2006
work life so far.
you know it's more than a working relationship when they send u birthday msgs close to one year after u've left the company..
ahh.i miss my ex colleagues and boss from THE hotel.
and when i told them i'm now close to colleagueless and holding the fort alone since the rest resigned..they just go ' what?u chased them away?"
i hope you all are doing well and fine. thanks for being the best. i truly miss being part of a team.
it's been pretty lonely working alone, handling crises alone etc. somedays i lose steam being frazzled i don't even kancheong anymore. i just swallow the stress unconciously until i feel so terribly sick i wanto explode.
it's a wonderful learning experience and it'll definitely look remarkable on the resume but some company would really be good...
i feel like i've been cast out of civilization and i've resorted talking to the computer. sometimes i'm so frustrated i sing out loud and there's not even a person to hush me. i just hope there's no cctv.
ahh.i miss my ex colleagues and boss from THE hotel.
and when i told them i'm now close to colleagueless and holding the fort alone since the rest resigned..they just go ' what?u chased them away?"
i hope you all are doing well and fine. thanks for being the best. i truly miss being part of a team.
it's been pretty lonely working alone, handling crises alone etc. somedays i lose steam being frazzled i don't even kancheong anymore. i just swallow the stress unconciously until i feel so terribly sick i wanto explode.
it's a wonderful learning experience and it'll definitely look remarkable on the resume but some company would really be good...
i feel like i've been cast out of civilization and i've resorted talking to the computer. sometimes i'm so frustrated i sing out loud and there's not even a person to hush me. i just hope there's no cctv.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
shed light
"we are not, as you'd expect, orchestrating their lives; we are not even trying for a second chance. we're hoping that if this one thing takes root, it might take up enough light and space to keep something else from developing in our children: the disappointment we've already lived"
-a parent.
-a parent.
Monday, July 24, 2006
the not so magical number.
its been wrong.
the past week has had me edgy and feeling angsty. maybe its part of turning 23. i don't like the sound of that. i like the sound of 17. its too early to be advancing in my twenties. i've got so much more to do and so much more i'm unsure of. please don't ask me to plan for my future. i'm sure my future is planned..just not by me. i just wanto stick to His plans in the meantime because i'm so scared. i'm so afraid when i see how blur i really can get. how stupid my decisions can be. how warped my thought life can be.
so in Your hands i lay my plans. in Your arms i rest.
there are so many answers i seek lately. haven't honestly prayed through them but i refuse vehemently to think through them knowing where my pondering leads- no where. all i know is that He loves me. He has a good plan and my birthday wish this year is just that pls give me alot alot of grace to be obedient, to do His will and truly shine as His daughter.
**
i've been wanted to call some friends out and pour my heart out but unfortunately, we are too busy. and all too ironically, i'm not sure if i can find the words to verbalise and make sense of everything. and usually, the mei ling who maketh sense of my crazy universe, is in a country pronounced as ''kah zaa stahn''. i don't even know the real spelling. its a mission trip and a part of me wishe di was there. i know i complain abt dirty toilets endlessly but i think nothing beats doing His work if you're equipped.
for now i'm relegated to being a partner of a few ministries here and there. and when i get a computer generated thank you note with updates abt that missionary's work...i somehow already feel like i'm part of it. and i say under my breath to the letter (as if those far away cld hear), '' one day i'll give you more''. hoping they'll hear. hoping He'll hear too.
**
shuxin, read this part.
ok i've more or less brought it up to my boss. he seems to think its ok. i'll be booking the tickets nxt monday. with emirates. coz i called m'sian airlines up and they were so rude to me over the phone. they literally scolded me because i asked them silly questions about transit.
so PLS PLS PLS confirm with me if the dates 28 sept to arrive is ok.
thanks for having me. i'll try not to be a nuisance and not get lost when u're in sch.
i can't wait!!we can cook and cook and eat my cooking!!(ok i know this part is less exciting but if its really horrible, we can think about those hungry pple in third world country and be thankful. den it'll be less painful)
**
that's about it. i'm so tired and spent. working on behalf of two people is so not easy.
turning 23 in 2.5 hours.
i need to hide under my bed.
the past week has had me edgy and feeling angsty. maybe its part of turning 23. i don't like the sound of that. i like the sound of 17. its too early to be advancing in my twenties. i've got so much more to do and so much more i'm unsure of. please don't ask me to plan for my future. i'm sure my future is planned..just not by me. i just wanto stick to His plans in the meantime because i'm so scared. i'm so afraid when i see how blur i really can get. how stupid my decisions can be. how warped my thought life can be.
so in Your hands i lay my plans. in Your arms i rest.
there are so many answers i seek lately. haven't honestly prayed through them but i refuse vehemently to think through them knowing where my pondering leads- no where. all i know is that He loves me. He has a good plan and my birthday wish this year is just that pls give me alot alot of grace to be obedient, to do His will and truly shine as His daughter.
**
i've been wanted to call some friends out and pour my heart out but unfortunately, we are too busy. and all too ironically, i'm not sure if i can find the words to verbalise and make sense of everything. and usually, the mei ling who maketh sense of my crazy universe, is in a country pronounced as ''kah zaa stahn''. i don't even know the real spelling. its a mission trip and a part of me wishe di was there. i know i complain abt dirty toilets endlessly but i think nothing beats doing His work if you're equipped.
for now i'm relegated to being a partner of a few ministries here and there. and when i get a computer generated thank you note with updates abt that missionary's work...i somehow already feel like i'm part of it. and i say under my breath to the letter (as if those far away cld hear), '' one day i'll give you more''. hoping they'll hear. hoping He'll hear too.
**
shuxin, read this part.
ok i've more or less brought it up to my boss. he seems to think its ok. i'll be booking the tickets nxt monday. with emirates. coz i called m'sian airlines up and they were so rude to me over the phone. they literally scolded me because i asked them silly questions about transit.
so PLS PLS PLS confirm with me if the dates 28 sept to arrive is ok.
thanks for having me. i'll try not to be a nuisance and not get lost when u're in sch.
i can't wait!!we can cook and cook and eat my cooking!!(ok i know this part is less exciting but if its really horrible, we can think about those hungry pple in third world country and be thankful. den it'll be less painful)
**
that's about it. i'm so tired and spent. working on behalf of two people is so not easy.
turning 23 in 2.5 hours.
i need to hide under my bed.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
broken bridges
"..people don't vanish into thin air; that when you can't find someone, it's because you've been misdirected to look elsewhere"
-Jodi Picoult
" I think it is a matter of love: the more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is"
-Vladimir Nabokov
**
Is it truly possible to ever stop mourning the demise/disappearance of someone whose live and soul was so closely intertwined with yours?
I really don't have the answer. It is just a general question and it is not limited to death. Sometimes people are lost because they've moved, be it a different country or different realm. Sometimes it is heaven and hell that separates. Some separations are temporal while sadly for many many, it is eternal.
How does one deal with grief in these cases when the stark truth just confronts you so blankly and mercilessly? It is undeniable. It is not just a goodbye. It is forever. I guess even God does not know how to answer this question because He says goodbye to so many people who'd choose hell over His gift of life- Jesus Christ. I don't know how He'll ever heal and because the thought of saying that kinda goodbye is so painful for me to even imagine, it nearly drives me to go on my own 'save-the-world' rampage.
devil beware. if this impulse is strong enough,you'll soon find yourself alone in hell.
Back to where I started. I'm not expecting anyone to answer my question. Perhaps give me an insight as to how its coped with. Not that I really need to know (God forbid) but i can't help wondering these days about the same topic.
I've never dealt well with goodbyes or farewells of any sort. I empty every last drop of H2O in me whenever i have to. and sometimes, many years since a last goodbye, i still grief that separation. sometimes, its a demise of a friendship, sometimes its a demise..simply of a person who briefly crossed my path.
i cannot fathom the heartwrenching pain and the death that seeps into the hearts of those left behind. if your souls are so intertwined and yet you're torn apart, doesn't a part of you die with the demise? i guess that's why breakups and divorces take forever for some people to heal. and very often, many people never heal. coz its ripping two hearts that have been fused together apart. when you do something like that, you're not left with one whole heart but just a bloody mess of mush.
people don't stop loving just because one is gone. people love on and just have to magically allow room to be created to love someone else. its extra hard as now you only have mush to work on.this process takes God because human hands are only capable of creating heartbreak, not hearts. the memory of the gone will live on. but i guess its really up to those who are left behind to choose whether to create new memories on cling on to old ones and old ones only.
-Jodi Picoult
" I think it is a matter of love: the more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is"
-Vladimir Nabokov
**
Is it truly possible to ever stop mourning the demise/disappearance of someone whose live and soul was so closely intertwined with yours?
I really don't have the answer. It is just a general question and it is not limited to death. Sometimes people are lost because they've moved, be it a different country or different realm. Sometimes it is heaven and hell that separates. Some separations are temporal while sadly for many many, it is eternal.
How does one deal with grief in these cases when the stark truth just confronts you so blankly and mercilessly? It is undeniable. It is not just a goodbye. It is forever. I guess even God does not know how to answer this question because He says goodbye to so many people who'd choose hell over His gift of life- Jesus Christ. I don't know how He'll ever heal and because the thought of saying that kinda goodbye is so painful for me to even imagine, it nearly drives me to go on my own 'save-the-world' rampage.
devil beware. if this impulse is strong enough,you'll soon find yourself alone in hell.
Back to where I started. I'm not expecting anyone to answer my question. Perhaps give me an insight as to how its coped with. Not that I really need to know (God forbid) but i can't help wondering these days about the same topic.
I've never dealt well with goodbyes or farewells of any sort. I empty every last drop of H2O in me whenever i have to. and sometimes, many years since a last goodbye, i still grief that separation. sometimes, its a demise of a friendship, sometimes its a demise..simply of a person who briefly crossed my path.
i cannot fathom the heartwrenching pain and the death that seeps into the hearts of those left behind. if your souls are so intertwined and yet you're torn apart, doesn't a part of you die with the demise? i guess that's why breakups and divorces take forever for some people to heal. and very often, many people never heal. coz its ripping two hearts that have been fused together apart. when you do something like that, you're not left with one whole heart but just a bloody mess of mush.
people don't stop loving just because one is gone. people love on and just have to magically allow room to be created to love someone else. its extra hard as now you only have mush to work on.this process takes God because human hands are only capable of creating heartbreak, not hearts. the memory of the gone will live on. but i guess its really up to those who are left behind to choose whether to create new memories on cling on to old ones and old ones only.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
RIB
i'm on mc and trying my best to rest and not think about the work awaiting me.
obviously, i'm having great difficulty.
**
i live my life vicariously through books and tv dramas. i usually try to steer clear of weepies because i know it gets too much out of me (to the point that i dehydrate from crying) . so yesterday, as i approached the final chapters of the book, i realised it was gg to be a real sob ending. i had no clue, no warning prior to this and this is an author who has been acclaimed to finish his endings off beautifully with great inspiration.
i felt betrayed at the tragedy that awaited and how quickly it was finished off. shoddily. i was so upset but it didn't stop me from bawling my eyes out. so today, i'm still sick and i have ugly swollen eyes to go with the complete sick look. yay. actually i sobbed so hard i oso ended up nearly throwing up and choking. so i'm actually sicker than before and uglier too.
i have nothing else to say. except that i''m still trying not to think about work and try my best to rest.
obviously, i'm having great difficulty.
**
i live my life vicariously through books and tv dramas. i usually try to steer clear of weepies because i know it gets too much out of me (to the point that i dehydrate from crying) . so yesterday, as i approached the final chapters of the book, i realised it was gg to be a real sob ending. i had no clue, no warning prior to this and this is an author who has been acclaimed to finish his endings off beautifully with great inspiration.
i felt betrayed at the tragedy that awaited and how quickly it was finished off. shoddily. i was so upset but it didn't stop me from bawling my eyes out. so today, i'm still sick and i have ugly swollen eyes to go with the complete sick look. yay. actually i sobbed so hard i oso ended up nearly throwing up and choking. so i'm actually sicker than before and uglier too.
i have nothing else to say. except that i''m still trying not to think about work and try my best to rest.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
i just love you for you.
duckobell this year was extra eventful.
we didn't get anytime alone together but it was well spent. we'll celebrate on our own another day.yesterday we had a wonderful opportunity to sow into the marriage of our beloved friend and brother who got married! it was so beautiful and i can't believe that we're finally seeing it happen. i really believe that its no coincidence that we were able to sow into a marriage on the same day we turned 3.
i even prayed that i'd be more than satisfied if God gave me a wedding half as glorious. darzen even have to be in a 5star hotel with a banquet. and after i said this prayer i honestly thought i heard Him say 'NO ' to my request. and of coz i was about to scream back 'GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN!!" but when i heard the reply, i nearly broke down there and then coz my beloved Father reminded me that He'll never accede to my request when i ask for less, only more.
**
halfway through the wedding i felt an incredible surge of love towards isaac. (oops) i realized that somewhere along the way, i started to nitpick about too many things. about him not being romantic enough, spontaneous enough and alll too woodblockish. and i forgot to celebrate the qualities tt drew me to him in the first place. i forgot to celebrate the spontaneity of our relationship and how it was birthed. i forgot to celebrate the presence of Jesus in our relationship and instead i directedmy attention to the absence of many many other insignificant things.
my priorities got messed up somewhere along the way and i forgot how it felt like to be the most blessed girl in the world just because i'm his. watching julian cry when michelle officially became mrs yang made me realise how wonderful and how great a miracle it is to be able to be with the one you love themost. it takes so much just for that to happen. infact, it takes God. thats why 'star-crossed' lovers can never be together no matter how much they try and how some unions just fall into place nothing can tear them apart.
i had such a surge of gratitude towards Jesus for authorizing and beginning this relationship. because isaac is truly everything i ever wanted ..and slightly more. (okthe woodblock part is can go but i'm praying it slowly chips away) i used to think his blurness was CUTE then after that it jsut got so much on my nerves it made me scream in frustration. and he had to adjust to all these changes in my attitude. while i used to accept him just as he was, i later tried to change him. and all this while, he only tried to change for me, never demanded once that i did the same for him even though i honestly could be more.
i once saidin a post so long ago that i truly value acceptance. acceptance from my friends that i cancome to them just as i am, ungroomed, blur, chor lor and loud. but little did i realize i cheapened and neglected his unconditional acceptance and love for me. (although he did briefly mention that i was prettier when i presented myself to be of more 'marriageable quality')
the wedding yesterday jolted me from all that. as i stole a glance at my husband-to-be, i remembered exactly why i wanted to marry him and still do. why i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and still do. how despite being the only one who can drive me to tears, he is also perhaps the only one who can truly make me happy.
i'll forever thank God for the day that isaac's name was written in the book of life, foreverthank God for then bringing him into my life. i'll celebrate our salvations, and truly rejoice always. just as paul advocated.
thank you Jesus.
thank you darling.
only God knows how much i truly love you, thats why He didn't allow me to forget you and us.
we didn't get anytime alone together but it was well spent. we'll celebrate on our own another day.yesterday we had a wonderful opportunity to sow into the marriage of our beloved friend and brother who got married! it was so beautiful and i can't believe that we're finally seeing it happen. i really believe that its no coincidence that we were able to sow into a marriage on the same day we turned 3.
i even prayed that i'd be more than satisfied if God gave me a wedding half as glorious. darzen even have to be in a 5star hotel with a banquet. and after i said this prayer i honestly thought i heard Him say 'NO ' to my request. and of coz i was about to scream back 'GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN!!" but when i heard the reply, i nearly broke down there and then coz my beloved Father reminded me that He'll never accede to my request when i ask for less, only more.
**
halfway through the wedding i felt an incredible surge of love towards isaac. (oops) i realized that somewhere along the way, i started to nitpick about too many things. about him not being romantic enough, spontaneous enough and alll too woodblockish. and i forgot to celebrate the qualities tt drew me to him in the first place. i forgot to celebrate the spontaneity of our relationship and how it was birthed. i forgot to celebrate the presence of Jesus in our relationship and instead i directedmy attention to the absence of many many other insignificant things.
my priorities got messed up somewhere along the way and i forgot how it felt like to be the most blessed girl in the world just because i'm his. watching julian cry when michelle officially became mrs yang made me realise how wonderful and how great a miracle it is to be able to be with the one you love themost. it takes so much just for that to happen. infact, it takes God. thats why 'star-crossed' lovers can never be together no matter how much they try and how some unions just fall into place nothing can tear them apart.
i had such a surge of gratitude towards Jesus for authorizing and beginning this relationship. because isaac is truly everything i ever wanted ..and slightly more. (okthe woodblock part is can go but i'm praying it slowly chips away) i used to think his blurness was CUTE then after that it jsut got so much on my nerves it made me scream in frustration. and he had to adjust to all these changes in my attitude. while i used to accept him just as he was, i later tried to change him. and all this while, he only tried to change for me, never demanded once that i did the same for him even though i honestly could be more.
i once saidin a post so long ago that i truly value acceptance. acceptance from my friends that i cancome to them just as i am, ungroomed, blur, chor lor and loud. but little did i realize i cheapened and neglected his unconditional acceptance and love for me. (although he did briefly mention that i was prettier when i presented myself to be of more 'marriageable quality')
the wedding yesterday jolted me from all that. as i stole a glance at my husband-to-be, i remembered exactly why i wanted to marry him and still do. why i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and still do. how despite being the only one who can drive me to tears, he is also perhaps the only one who can truly make me happy.
i'll forever thank God for the day that isaac's name was written in the book of life, foreverthank God for then bringing him into my life. i'll celebrate our salvations, and truly rejoice always. just as paul advocated.
thank you Jesus.
thank you darling.
only God knows how much i truly love you, thats why He didn't allow me to forget you and us.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
IPO day
me: hey you're gg too fast!
friend: don't worry....this car is quite sturdy. it has airbags.
me: i don't plan to use them!?!
**
it went something like that...
me: okok i wanto go to the great ocean road when i go over!
she offered to drive.
i told her that i don't want to wake up from a long drive to find myself in the water. she corrected me by saying, " oh no..you'll just find yourself in heaven"
**
friend: don't worry....this car is quite sturdy. it has airbags.
me: i don't plan to use them!?!
**
it went something like that...
me: okok i wanto go to the great ocean road when i go over!
she offered to drive.
i told her that i don't want to wake up from a long drive to find myself in the water. she corrected me by saying, " oh no..you'll just find yourself in heaven"
**
Monday, July 03, 2006
revelation
only today i realised that i actually have to OK the comments for them to be posted.
now blogger is behaving like friendster.
don't know who is that idiot who went to change the settings for me (although i suspect its yours truly)
so finally now the comments can be seen. but of coz, me being me, i accidentally deleted some of the comments lah so yah back to square one. so i'm sorry to those whose comments disappeared. your friend here is not bill gates. i have an aura that causes technology to fail.
so yes, thanks for letting me know that this is not a soliloquy.
now blogger is behaving like friendster.
don't know who is that idiot who went to change the settings for me (although i suspect its yours truly)
so finally now the comments can be seen. but of coz, me being me, i accidentally deleted some of the comments lah so yah back to square one. so i'm sorry to those whose comments disappeared. your friend here is not bill gates. i have an aura that causes technology to fail.
so yes, thanks for letting me know that this is not a soliloquy.
a vote of confidence please.
me: boss, i need to apply leave in august
boss: what for?
me: oh i got driving test
boss: what date is it again?
me: aug 4th.
boss : ok thanks for telling me.i'll avoid the roads then.
me: =(
**
boss to another colleague: i won't be coming in on jul 10th.
colleague: oh ok. why?
boss: coz i need to avoid her-points to me-thats the day she got driving test rite?so i can't drive lor.
colleague: nono.hers is in aug. you can still drive in july.
me: !?!?
**
they couldn't have known. they couldnt have known that i stopped for birds on the road, take 10 minutes to change lanes, miss the red light, scream when i turn, stop breathing when i park.
unless my instructor has been an informant.
this phenomenon puzzles me. until i realised they deduced my credibility as a driver from how often i bang into walls, walk into doors and trip over imaginary pop up objects.
boss: what for?
me: oh i got driving test
boss: what date is it again?
me: aug 4th.
boss : ok thanks for telling me.i'll avoid the roads then.
me: =(
**
boss to another colleague: i won't be coming in on jul 10th.
colleague: oh ok. why?
boss: coz i need to avoid her-points to me-thats the day she got driving test rite?so i can't drive lor.
colleague: nono.hers is in aug. you can still drive in july.
me: !?!?
**
they couldn't have known. they couldnt have known that i stopped for birds on the road, take 10 minutes to change lanes, miss the red light, scream when i turn, stop breathing when i park.
unless my instructor has been an informant.
this phenomenon puzzles me. until i realised they deduced my credibility as a driver from how often i bang into walls, walk into doors and trip over imaginary pop up objects.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
don't look too closely at me.
feels as if someone has put a magnifying glass on me and i feel scruntinised.
and no im not exactly excited because someone is finally going to see the Jesus embedded in me. i feel as if my faults and weaknesses are coming out in full glory this season instead. feel so weak and decrepit. [insert: His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses] and the worst of all...useless. i truly have nothing to boast about (never had the money the looks or the smarts anyway) but now its slapping me in the face. that somehow i'm reallly realllly nothing!! apart from Jesus, i'm truly empty in every sense of the word! i need mercy just to get through a single work day with my blunders at all.
i shy away coz i know that if anyone were to look closely enough, have a sharp enough eyesight, they'd see that i'm really not that special. that i'm actually almost inferior, just well disguised. these days, i cling on to Jesus and my heart really drops to my toes when i realised that i made the same blunder so many times in a row. i spend a considerable amount of time rectifying my mistakes and it does not feel good. at all.
my superiors and bosses are wonderful and been showing me great mercy and grace. so the more i wanto be good and efficient, the more frustrated i become coz its so difficult the exorcise the sotong that lives in me!
maybe i'm too impatient as i'm still at the teething stage anyway. but i can't help but wonder...what good am i really am to God? i'm not an asset in His kingdom i know. i know He took me in sheerly out of His grace and love and i'm undeserving. but if this exemplifies to many others that God does not take people in based on the criteria of how 'useful' they're gg to be but out of grace and mercy, then i guess i'd have served my purpose on earth.
there are so many dreams that i have in my heart. for Him that includes me. but right now i feel so limited and restricted by the impossibilites that are laughing in my face. however, it does not take great courage and faith to laugh back at them because i see Jesus doing just that. apart of me is still hanging on wondering and excited at how Jesus will use me and fulfil His specific word: God will use the foolish to confound the mighty.
**
i used to think, if people knew God's heart towards me and how He sees me , they wouldn't treat me the way they do. (ie. nastily)(i haven't always been kind myself)
yesterday it dawned on me. if i truly believed God's heart towards me and how He sees me, i wouldn't have held it against them. coz i've escaped the pardon myself by a close shave and thus, who am i to impose it on others?
if i truly saw myself as the righteousness of God and a priest and king in His kingdom, would i really care abt things as small as ...THEM?(ok there i go again. the nasty bug). no, these things wouldn't bother me coz i'd have no time for these. i'd be busy over Him instead and His glory and advancing and furthering His kingdom.
God has some major refocusing to do in this lamb. lost. as . usual.
and no im not exactly excited because someone is finally going to see the Jesus embedded in me. i feel as if my faults and weaknesses are coming out in full glory this season instead. feel so weak and decrepit. [insert: His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses] and the worst of all...useless. i truly have nothing to boast about (never had the money the looks or the smarts anyway) but now its slapping me in the face. that somehow i'm reallly realllly nothing!! apart from Jesus, i'm truly empty in every sense of the word! i need mercy just to get through a single work day with my blunders at all.
i shy away coz i know that if anyone were to look closely enough, have a sharp enough eyesight, they'd see that i'm really not that special. that i'm actually almost inferior, just well disguised. these days, i cling on to Jesus and my heart really drops to my toes when i realised that i made the same blunder so many times in a row. i spend a considerable amount of time rectifying my mistakes and it does not feel good. at all.
my superiors and bosses are wonderful and been showing me great mercy and grace. so the more i wanto be good and efficient, the more frustrated i become coz its so difficult the exorcise the sotong that lives in me!
maybe i'm too impatient as i'm still at the teething stage anyway. but i can't help but wonder...what good am i really am to God? i'm not an asset in His kingdom i know. i know He took me in sheerly out of His grace and love and i'm undeserving. but if this exemplifies to many others that God does not take people in based on the criteria of how 'useful' they're gg to be but out of grace and mercy, then i guess i'd have served my purpose on earth.
there are so many dreams that i have in my heart. for Him that includes me. but right now i feel so limited and restricted by the impossibilites that are laughing in my face. however, it does not take great courage and faith to laugh back at them because i see Jesus doing just that. apart of me is still hanging on wondering and excited at how Jesus will use me and fulfil His specific word: God will use the foolish to confound the mighty.
**
i used to think, if people knew God's heart towards me and how He sees me , they wouldn't treat me the way they do. (ie. nastily)(i haven't always been kind myself)
yesterday it dawned on me. if i truly believed God's heart towards me and how He sees me, i wouldn't have held it against them. coz i've escaped the pardon myself by a close shave and thus, who am i to impose it on others?
if i truly saw myself as the righteousness of God and a priest and king in His kingdom, would i really care abt things as small as ...THEM?(ok there i go again. the nasty bug). no, these things wouldn't bother me coz i'd have no time for these. i'd be busy over Him instead and His glory and advancing and furthering His kingdom.
God has some major refocusing to do in this lamb. lost. as . usual.
Monday, June 26, 2006
x** y***
now i know why i enjoy drinking tuna oil and love to eat tuna straight out from the cans so much.
apparently, according to some website...
my name is used to describe someone who enjoys stealing tins of TUNA.
apparently, according to some website...
my name is used to describe someone who enjoys stealing tins of TUNA.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
the wonderering wonder of God.
He is alwayssss doing this to me.
He'll start by making me question something. then i'll ride on the question and brood over it. rack my brains upside down and still have no answer. then now i can't get rid of the question.
thus, establishing the theme of the day!
then He'll perform His magic and unravel the big mystery.
i'll read abt it in my devotionals, talk abt it to my bf who will seem to know all the scriptures related to this somehow, and then just when we thought we were almost through with this topic, dear walking bible bf will have a new burst of scriptures related and the whole picture will be pieced up nicely.
and we'll understand somewhat and go "WAHHHH''
usually this entire process takes one day or more.
**
today it dawned on me i'm almost like a female jacob. someone close briefly commented and mind you, its not too flattering. its one thing to say 'oh you have a heart of david..a heart that seeks after God" and another to say you are like jacob. with all due respect to jacob, erm..sorry.
i'm not like jacob in the sense that i'll marry two women/men who are related to EACH OTHER. its more like in the sense that i'm so hard to subdue..by God. i'm impulsive rebellious and irreverent. too much so for my own good. i've wrestled with God, been outright disobedient and ended up in the wilderness running from Godknows what and running to God knows where.
its been repeated bouts of that coz sometimes i just can't subdue my own flesh to be obedient. to believe that what He says its the best for me. i cannot guarantee that it will never happen again but at least this time, each time i decide to be funny...i'll rethink my decision coz i'll remember the futility of it.
i'm also not like him in the sense that i'll have 10 children. (i'll just have a 1000) but that i'm so blessing hungry that its brought me to the place i forgot the blessor. the upside to this attribute is that i know i can't do it on my own without God (but it hazznt stopped me from testing this truth out!) and the utter downside is that i totally neglect the blessor which is the truest epitome of blessing anyway. i have to get refocused and redirected.
ok now, don't judge me.
He'll start by making me question something. then i'll ride on the question and brood over it. rack my brains upside down and still have no answer. then now i can't get rid of the question.
thus, establishing the theme of the day!
then He'll perform His magic and unravel the big mystery.
i'll read abt it in my devotionals, talk abt it to my bf who will seem to know all the scriptures related to this somehow, and then just when we thought we were almost through with this topic, dear walking bible bf will have a new burst of scriptures related and the whole picture will be pieced up nicely.
and we'll understand somewhat and go "WAHHHH''
usually this entire process takes one day or more.
**
today it dawned on me i'm almost like a female jacob. someone close briefly commented and mind you, its not too flattering. its one thing to say 'oh you have a heart of david..a heart that seeks after God" and another to say you are like jacob. with all due respect to jacob, erm..sorry.
i'm not like jacob in the sense that i'll marry two women/men who are related to EACH OTHER. its more like in the sense that i'm so hard to subdue..by God. i'm impulsive rebellious and irreverent. too much so for my own good. i've wrestled with God, been outright disobedient and ended up in the wilderness running from Godknows what and running to God knows where.
its been repeated bouts of that coz sometimes i just can't subdue my own flesh to be obedient. to believe that what He says its the best for me. i cannot guarantee that it will never happen again but at least this time, each time i decide to be funny...i'll rethink my decision coz i'll remember the futility of it.
i'm also not like him in the sense that i'll have 10 children. (i'll just have a 1000) but that i'm so blessing hungry that its brought me to the place i forgot the blessor. the upside to this attribute is that i know i can't do it on my own without God (but it hazznt stopped me from testing this truth out!) and the utter downside is that i totally neglect the blessor which is the truest epitome of blessing anyway. i have to get refocused and redirected.
ok now, don't judge me.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
torrential rain.
i wonder if He spends His time in heaven looking down on all of us and cry and cry while His heart is totally gripped with pain.
because sometimes i feel like that. i cry for everyone it seems and anyone. (ok you you you and you might be excluded.) and i cry again because i feel so helpless not being able to help.
i don't know how to disengage myself or feel less.even if i've only known you for two seconds/two days/two hours. and so it goes on to affect me.
if it lessens anybody else's load, at least it'd be worth it. but it doesn't. but at least it drives me to pray. i just wanto see it work. please be open.
aside to me: please be patient.
so dream a little dream for me in hopes that i'll remain
and cry a little, cry for me so that i can bear the pain
and hurt a little hurt for me, my future is so bold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they the hammer holds
the task before me may seem unclear
but it, my maker holds
-bebo norman, the hammer holds
because sometimes i feel like that. i cry for everyone it seems and anyone. (ok you you you and you might be excluded.) and i cry again because i feel so helpless not being able to help.
i don't know how to disengage myself or feel less.even if i've only known you for two seconds/two days/two hours. and so it goes on to affect me.
if it lessens anybody else's load, at least it'd be worth it. but it doesn't. but at least it drives me to pray. i just wanto see it work. please be open.
aside to me: please be patient.
so dream a little dream for me in hopes that i'll remain
and cry a little, cry for me so that i can bear the pain
and hurt a little hurt for me, my future is so bold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they the hammer holds
the task before me may seem unclear
but it, my maker holds
-bebo norman, the hammer holds
Monday, June 19, 2006
a glimpse into a parent's heart.
when on mc im pretty bored.
i found this..by a guy called tom fisher.
lately i've been thinking of how much i wanto adopt. actually not so lately. ever since last christmas when i signed up with shaohannah's hope. (i can't remember the website). it warms my heart knowing my little contribution helped a little child find a nice warm christian home. i used to wanto build orphanages. now i'd rather help build homes and hopes for orphans. for the record, there are more than 50 million orphans worldwide right now.
i think and smile when i see the happy pictures they post. and then i cry about the parents they leave behind. yes, i know most of them were abandoned in the first place but i started thinking of parents who birthed them out of unfortunate circumstances and wedlock and chose to give them up for abortion for reasons no one else will every understand. inspite of the pain and difficulty.
then i cry and cry. as usual. i'm thoroughly convinced while you normal pple are 70% made of water, i'm 120 %.
anyway here goes..
I dream of you
today i'm sitting at the spot
i call our secret place
with eyes closed tight i dream of you
the tears stream down my face
i left you here a year ago
it was to my despair
the emptiness within me
is more than i can bear
where are you today my darling?
where are you today my dear?
a part of me is missing
i wish you still were here
are you perhaps in china?
maybe right down the street
sometimes i walk right by that place
hoping our eyes will meet
i left you here my daughter
i left you in this place
each time i close my eyes at night
my dreams fill with your face
i will always love you
i will always care
even though i left you here
my dreams are yours to share
please forgive me little one
there was no other choice
when you close your eyes at night
your heartbeat is my voice.
i found this..by a guy called tom fisher.
lately i've been thinking of how much i wanto adopt. actually not so lately. ever since last christmas when i signed up with shaohannah's hope. (i can't remember the website). it warms my heart knowing my little contribution helped a little child find a nice warm christian home. i used to wanto build orphanages. now i'd rather help build homes and hopes for orphans. for the record, there are more than 50 million orphans worldwide right now.
i think and smile when i see the happy pictures they post. and then i cry about the parents they leave behind. yes, i know most of them were abandoned in the first place but i started thinking of parents who birthed them out of unfortunate circumstances and wedlock and chose to give them up for abortion for reasons no one else will every understand. inspite of the pain and difficulty.
then i cry and cry. as usual. i'm thoroughly convinced while you normal pple are 70% made of water, i'm 120 %.
anyway here goes..
I dream of you
today i'm sitting at the spot
i call our secret place
with eyes closed tight i dream of you
the tears stream down my face
i left you here a year ago
it was to my despair
the emptiness within me
is more than i can bear
where are you today my darling?
where are you today my dear?
a part of me is missing
i wish you still were here
are you perhaps in china?
maybe right down the street
sometimes i walk right by that place
hoping our eyes will meet
i left you here my daughter
i left you in this place
each time i close my eyes at night
my dreams fill with your face
i will always love you
i will always care
even though i left you here
my dreams are yours to share
please forgive me little one
there was no other choice
when you close your eyes at night
your heartbeat is my voice.
documenting grace.
king david always turned to the lord no matter how bad the trouble was. even when the root cause of the trouble was wrought by him. only God could deliver and save and he had the best revelation of them all. that he could not save himself.
i clearly didn't have that revelation. i have no doubt only God alone could save me from hell but as i sojourn this earth and find myself in bottomless pits (not my stomach!) or valleys, i sought my own strength and devices to get 'through it'. i've tried everything from numbing myself by distractions to just willing myself in vain to get over it. nothing quite works until i allowed God to intervene.
it must be the greatest revelation of all. to know that God will always save His own no matter what. that He is faithful. that only He alone can truly save. i learnt that today and its liberating. nothing is too small for my God. even me. i'm not so insignifant that i can escape the eyes of God because He has converged all His love for me in me, on me. yes, the world is fighting wars from political, physical to spiritual and God cares about my little hurt. even when i don't dare to bring it to Him because i no longer know if its OK to do so. coz i'll be bringing not praise and offering to the throne but my little thorny bloody heart.
i thought that even if He is not sick of seeing me for the upteenth time with the same gift, i am. i thought one day, i'll bring something better. maybe that one day will come but for now this is all i have to give. and i give not because i love Him. not because its a wonderful gift but because He loves me and its horrid and He wants to take it away from me and give me something new, something better.
sometimes when i do know God in the rare moments like this when i'm slapped by His grace and kidnapped by His love i can't feel anything else, i really am shocked by Him. and how BIG all things about Him really are and how small i really am. but i'm not so small that His hand can't reach.
there is really nothing to balance grace, contrary to what i've been hearing. sure there are abusers of grace and i've been there when i get really mad because people really do abuse the liberty they've been given and seek pleasure in sin. but God's stance remains unchanged. grace is still shamlessly abundant even when sin is abundant. grace is still for the undeserving. grace is the open door for sinners to come home, for people who've failed time and again but still wanto come home. Jesus, being the personification of grace is the open door.
because i've walked through this door daily, i realised its never closed no matter what hour of the day it is. never mind that wars are raging and soccer fever is on. the operation hours of the throne room of God where rivers of healing flows remain the same. open to all, as usual.
i clearly didn't have that revelation. i have no doubt only God alone could save me from hell but as i sojourn this earth and find myself in bottomless pits (not my stomach!) or valleys, i sought my own strength and devices to get 'through it'. i've tried everything from numbing myself by distractions to just willing myself in vain to get over it. nothing quite works until i allowed God to intervene.
it must be the greatest revelation of all. to know that God will always save His own no matter what. that He is faithful. that only He alone can truly save. i learnt that today and its liberating. nothing is too small for my God. even me. i'm not so insignifant that i can escape the eyes of God because He has converged all His love for me in me, on me. yes, the world is fighting wars from political, physical to spiritual and God cares about my little hurt. even when i don't dare to bring it to Him because i no longer know if its OK to do so. coz i'll be bringing not praise and offering to the throne but my little thorny bloody heart.
i thought that even if He is not sick of seeing me for the upteenth time with the same gift, i am. i thought one day, i'll bring something better. maybe that one day will come but for now this is all i have to give. and i give not because i love Him. not because its a wonderful gift but because He loves me and its horrid and He wants to take it away from me and give me something new, something better.
sometimes when i do know God in the rare moments like this when i'm slapped by His grace and kidnapped by His love i can't feel anything else, i really am shocked by Him. and how BIG all things about Him really are and how small i really am. but i'm not so small that His hand can't reach.
there is really nothing to balance grace, contrary to what i've been hearing. sure there are abusers of grace and i've been there when i get really mad because people really do abuse the liberty they've been given and seek pleasure in sin. but God's stance remains unchanged. grace is still shamlessly abundant even when sin is abundant. grace is still for the undeserving. grace is the open door for sinners to come home, for people who've failed time and again but still wanto come home. Jesus, being the personification of grace is the open door.
because i've walked through this door daily, i realised its never closed no matter what hour of the day it is. never mind that wars are raging and soccer fever is on. the operation hours of the throne room of God where rivers of healing flows remain the same. open to all, as usual.
all psalmed up.
Excerpts from psalms 55
v12-14 For it was not an enemy who reporaches me; then i could bear it
nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me;
then i could hide from him
but it was you, a man my equal
my companion and my acquaintance
we took sweet counsel together
and walked to the house of God in the throng
v18 He has redeemed my soul in peace from the battle that was against me
v21 ....his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords.
v22 cast your burden on teh Lord
and He shall sustain you
He SHALL NEVER permit His righteous to be moved.
v12-14 For it was not an enemy who reporaches me; then i could bear it
nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me;
then i could hide from him
but it was you, a man my equal
my companion and my acquaintance
we took sweet counsel together
and walked to the house of God in the throng
v18 He has redeemed my soul in peace from the battle that was against me
v21 ....his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords.
v22 cast your burden on teh Lord
and He shall sustain you
He SHALL NEVER permit His righteous to be moved.
hibernation
sometimes i just want to ask God (and i do) how He expects me in all my regal robes of righteousness to walk through this filthy world ridden with pain and brokeness..
i don't know how Jesus did it because i can't quite fathom it. Him and them, is the epitome of incongruency. the clash of the worlds. but they somehow managed to gel. prostitutes, tax collectors, murderers. son of God. marriage made in heaven no?
i guess its the same. i look so hard at them i forgot about me. which is why sometimes i delight in distractions, coz i forget about my own frustrations. we never could gel until Jesus made the choice to. i am so glad that all i am does not disqualify me from His circle, from Him. and on the contrary, it is precisely coz i'm so pathetic helpless and gross that i qualify. because grace comes to the unworthy not the worthy. because He is my worth today.
i wanto despair actually. my natural inclination is so strong but im secretly rejoicing (somewhat effortlessly too) because its precisely in the pits that jesus' embrace is the sweetest. if i could pass the hug on right now i would. coz it'd mend any heart.
i want the gift of perception. i wanto be a friend of God so that i can know his thoughts like david did. esp his thoughts towards me. because somehow i don't quite know. i wanto know how his heart reacts when i'm hurt, when i'm happy when i'm etc etc. i wanto know him like i know myself. that i can even preempt his next thoughts and flow in sync with him.
i like the intimacy we share and i am so happy that nothing can take that away. just as paul said so clearly so many years ago, 'nothing shall separate us..' it feels so certain. i like certainty despite being resident of this world of uncertainty. i can feel no safer than this and i wanto pass it on.
its the remedy for loneliness. remedy for everything i say.
in the meantime i'll be hiding under my bed feeding on this remedy.
i don't know how Jesus did it because i can't quite fathom it. Him and them, is the epitome of incongruency. the clash of the worlds. but they somehow managed to gel. prostitutes, tax collectors, murderers. son of God. marriage made in heaven no?
i guess its the same. i look so hard at them i forgot about me. which is why sometimes i delight in distractions, coz i forget about my own frustrations. we never could gel until Jesus made the choice to. i am so glad that all i am does not disqualify me from His circle, from Him. and on the contrary, it is precisely coz i'm so pathetic helpless and gross that i qualify. because grace comes to the unworthy not the worthy. because He is my worth today.
i wanto despair actually. my natural inclination is so strong but im secretly rejoicing (somewhat effortlessly too) because its precisely in the pits that jesus' embrace is the sweetest. if i could pass the hug on right now i would. coz it'd mend any heart.
i want the gift of perception. i wanto be a friend of God so that i can know his thoughts like david did. esp his thoughts towards me. because somehow i don't quite know. i wanto know how his heart reacts when i'm hurt, when i'm happy when i'm etc etc. i wanto know him like i know myself. that i can even preempt his next thoughts and flow in sync with him.
i like the intimacy we share and i am so happy that nothing can take that away. just as paul said so clearly so many years ago, 'nothing shall separate us..' it feels so certain. i like certainty despite being resident of this world of uncertainty. i can feel no safer than this and i wanto pass it on.
its the remedy for loneliness. remedy for everything i say.
in the meantime i'll be hiding under my bed feeding on this remedy.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
3rd sunday of june
-happy Father's day-
john 14: 8 " i will not leave you orphans. i will come to you"
i cannot imagine otherwise if You didn't fulfil that simple line. i'd be an orphan. its nice to belong to You. wonderful.
i just wanto be pleasing to you. help me.
can't wait to see you face to face.
john 14: 8 " i will not leave you orphans. i will come to you"
i cannot imagine otherwise if You didn't fulfil that simple line. i'd be an orphan. its nice to belong to You. wonderful.
i just wanto be pleasing to you. help me.
can't wait to see you face to face.
almost disillusioned.
been a bit lost lately. i don't know how to balance trust and yet safeguard myself against the deceits of human nature. almost disillusioned.
i didn't feel the sting initially. maybe i've numbed myself and had no expectations in the first place. but it developed into an anger directed at myself instead. for a wrong done towards me. someone i'd trusted and believed in had stolen from me. i should have realised earlier since i was aware of the condition of her heart (or lack of ) but i chose to believe that i'd be an exception. because i was a friend. because i was a fellow citizen of the high kingdom. because that citizenship binds us by blood.
i was angry i was so stupid and naive despite having developed a (imaginary) resilience against disappointment when it comes to mankind. i thought that no one would dare to bully me now that i'm older and apparently fierce. (on hindsight someone told me that when i frown, i not only not look fierce, i just look lost and confused) i should have read the signs and obeyed the sinking feeling in my guts.
but the good news i've learnt is that now i know that God didn't fail me during that period. He didn't go against His word, His love and principles and forget me. He prospered me abundantly and i was successful. more than i even hoped to be. it was just stolen.
but now strangely i feel richer, and i see her as poorer. that i had that for her to steal. that that i never thought i'd have. so fast. so quickly. please pray that i'd forget her, forget and forgive my own stupidity and her. quickly.
for my own sake, i really wanto forgive her fast coz i don't think my little heart is big enough for grudges.
i didn't feel the sting initially. maybe i've numbed myself and had no expectations in the first place. but it developed into an anger directed at myself instead. for a wrong done towards me. someone i'd trusted and believed in had stolen from me. i should have realised earlier since i was aware of the condition of her heart (or lack of ) but i chose to believe that i'd be an exception. because i was a friend. because i was a fellow citizen of the high kingdom. because that citizenship binds us by blood.
i was angry i was so stupid and naive despite having developed a (imaginary) resilience against disappointment when it comes to mankind. i thought that no one would dare to bully me now that i'm older and apparently fierce. (on hindsight someone told me that when i frown, i not only not look fierce, i just look lost and confused) i should have read the signs and obeyed the sinking feeling in my guts.
but the good news i've learnt is that now i know that God didn't fail me during that period. He didn't go against His word, His love and principles and forget me. He prospered me abundantly and i was successful. more than i even hoped to be. it was just stolen.
but now strangely i feel richer, and i see her as poorer. that i had that for her to steal. that that i never thought i'd have. so fast. so quickly. please pray that i'd forget her, forget and forgive my own stupidity and her. quickly.
for my own sake, i really wanto forgive her fast coz i don't think my little heart is big enough for grudges.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
'i am salty'
while watching a soccer match
dad: wah the woman who sang the I am *mumble mumble* song very nice hor?
brother me and mum: what ' i am salty" song?
-dad just ignores us and went on eating his bakkwa.
later on we remembered that at church today, darlene sang..' i exalt thee' beautifully.
dad: wah the woman who sang the I am *mumble mumble* song very nice hor?
brother me and mum: what ' i am salty" song?
-dad just ignores us and went on eating his bakkwa.
later on we remembered that at church today, darlene sang..' i exalt thee' beautifully.
Friday, June 09, 2006
what i had to overcome just to get to work
so i got up all ready to go for my meeting at 8.30. armed with my brolly with big red flowers because the skies were grey.
then on the way back to my office...(the meeting was at another venue), i got blown away by the strong winds. literally. i couldn't control my umbrella. and i couldn't walk. and as i was struggling with the forces of nature, this short plump jolly man gaily skipped past me. yes, he was almost really skipping. and he went, "haha wind very strong hor?"
-bummer-
so my bosses decide that maybe its just me. me with the not too dense bones and less fat wrapped around those bones.
**
den 5 mins away from my office, i met the cutest little girl with the cutest little curls. when our eyes met (ah..a magical moment!)she came after me. and soon she was attached to my leg. and wouldn't let go.
and because i couldn't bring her to work, i had to wait for her maid carefully peel her off me.
then on the way back to my office...(the meeting was at another venue), i got blown away by the strong winds. literally. i couldn't control my umbrella. and i couldn't walk. and as i was struggling with the forces of nature, this short plump jolly man gaily skipped past me. yes, he was almost really skipping. and he went, "haha wind very strong hor?"
-bummer-
so my bosses decide that maybe its just me. me with the not too dense bones and less fat wrapped around those bones.
**
den 5 mins away from my office, i met the cutest little girl with the cutest little curls. when our eyes met (ah..a magical moment!)she came after me. and soon she was attached to my leg. and wouldn't let go.
and because i couldn't bring her to work, i had to wait for her maid carefully peel her off me.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
His request
i think Hez been talking to me about letting my life reflect my relationship with Him and to let Him live His life through me.
its everywhere.its in my thoughts and my devotionals (from various sources) and stuff like that. i must really be the anti-thesis of all that right now. i'm excited!something is in the pipeline...
its everywhere.its in my thoughts and my devotionals (from various sources) and stuff like that. i must really be the anti-thesis of all that right now. i'm excited!something is in the pipeline...
this is the day....
1)that the Lord hath made and i will rejoice (tried) and be glad in it.(inspite of it.)
2)that one of my favoritest loveliest person on earth turns 23!happy bdae shuxin!!
3) that i had to do a report with many numbers. and equations. and i cried at work.
4) i took a picture of an ugly orange skinny cat that my boss kept in the office.
5) i drowned my mp3 player in chrysanthemun tea and lost my songs. the last time i drowned a book in chrysanthemun tea but it survived. im semi distressed. i hate chrysanthemun tea.shd have stuck to faithful ol pokka green tea.
6) i rushed down to have it repaired only to be told its beyond repaired.
7)i spent 11 bux on a cabfare that would otherwise cost close to nothing.
8)i went for late night shopping (Great spore sale) and bought shampoo. (toiletries obsessed syndrome)
9) am so tired i can barely talk.
10)that has just ended.
phew.
2)that one of my favoritest loveliest person on earth turns 23!happy bdae shuxin!!
3) that i had to do a report with many numbers. and equations. and i cried at work.
4) i took a picture of an ugly orange skinny cat that my boss kept in the office.
5) i drowned my mp3 player in chrysanthemun tea and lost my songs. the last time i drowned a book in chrysanthemun tea but it survived. im semi distressed. i hate chrysanthemun tea.shd have stuck to faithful ol pokka green tea.
6) i rushed down to have it repaired only to be told its beyond repaired.
7)i spent 11 bux on a cabfare that would otherwise cost close to nothing.
8)i went for late night shopping (Great spore sale) and bought shampoo. (toiletries obsessed syndrome)
9) am so tired i can barely talk.
10)that has just ended.
phew.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
also pregnant
Jesus lived in mary for 9 mths.
He's been living in me for close to 10 years.
the only good in me is truly You
He's been living in me for close to 10 years.
the only good in me is truly You
the question that cuts deep
"Do you love Me?"
it just occurred to me that the hard part of loving is more in the daily dying than dying. and in that daily dying, is when there is true living.
living means the concious choice to face the daily grind, to be an active part in the battle with the unseen. and it takes living for loving to be active.
i wanto shout 'i love you' from the mountain top to you but i realised that's not quite enough. my heart will always tell me that it's not enough.
**
"Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me more than these?"
He said to Him, "Yes Lord: You know that i love You." He said to him, "tend My sheep."
He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?" Peter was grieved because He said to him the tird time, " Do you love Me?"
and he said to Him, "Lord, You know all things; You know that i love You."
Jesus said to him," Feed my sheep"
-The Gospel of John 21:15-17-
**
it just occurred to me that the hard part of loving is more in the daily dying than dying. and in that daily dying, is when there is true living.
living means the concious choice to face the daily grind, to be an active part in the battle with the unseen. and it takes living for loving to be active.
i wanto shout 'i love you' from the mountain top to you but i realised that's not quite enough. my heart will always tell me that it's not enough.
**
"Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me more than these?"
He said to Him, "Yes Lord: You know that i love You." He said to him, "tend My sheep."
He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?" Peter was grieved because He said to him the tird time, " Do you love Me?"
and he said to Him, "Lord, You know all things; You know that i love You."
Jesus said to him," Feed my sheep"
-The Gospel of John 21:15-17-
**
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
His love is not a lie
I can only repeat this endlessly and i pray that someone will repeat it to me if i've been deceived to believe otherwise.
there is a verse in romans which im too lazy to dig up and quote on how nothing shall separate us from His love..not tribulations, distress ...etc.
and it just hit me that no matter what form the onslaught of the enemy takes, no matter what fiery trial or suffering is granted, no matter what in short, the purpose of it is to make us doubt the loveo f God. similarly, in the first temptation that was ever recorded, the serpent tried to make eve doubt the goodness and love of God...by insinuating that if He was so good and loving, why was that one tree deprived of them?
i'm so relieved that the onus is on Him and not me to keep me in His love. that nothing i do can make His love depart from me for it was His love that initiated the entire grand plan of redemption. that i haven't been separated from His love.
i regretfully admit that i've responded in anger and doubt instead of clinging to the unchanging truth of this verse when the storms of life brewed. its really one thing to say it THEN and another to say it NOW when things are good. now i've learnt (i hope) that my circumstances, just as my shortfalls should never be a measure of His love for me. infact, nothing should. it is afterall beyond measure. infact, i dare take the liberty to say that the cross is a mere expression of His vast love fo rme and nothing at all can truly truly illustrate the immense magnitude of it.
there is a verse in romans which im too lazy to dig up and quote on how nothing shall separate us from His love..not tribulations, distress ...etc.
and it just hit me that no matter what form the onslaught of the enemy takes, no matter what fiery trial or suffering is granted, no matter what in short, the purpose of it is to make us doubt the loveo f God. similarly, in the first temptation that was ever recorded, the serpent tried to make eve doubt the goodness and love of God...by insinuating that if He was so good and loving, why was that one tree deprived of them?
i'm so relieved that the onus is on Him and not me to keep me in His love. that nothing i do can make His love depart from me for it was His love that initiated the entire grand plan of redemption. that i haven't been separated from His love.
i regretfully admit that i've responded in anger and doubt instead of clinging to the unchanging truth of this verse when the storms of life brewed. its really one thing to say it THEN and another to say it NOW when things are good. now i've learnt (i hope) that my circumstances, just as my shortfalls should never be a measure of His love for me. infact, nothing should. it is afterall beyond measure. infact, i dare take the liberty to say that the cross is a mere expression of His vast love fo rme and nothing at all can truly truly illustrate the immense magnitude of it.
struck a chord in me
so well written. so true. so simple.
the following by Oswald Chambers..
" If Jesus had gone to heaven directly from the Mount of transfiguration, he would have gone alone. ...But he turned His back on the glory, and came down from the mountain to identifyHimself with fallen humanity"
i think we don't seem to pay enough attention to the distinction between Son of God and Son of Man. afterall, its the same person. its two entirely different titles but we don't see the significance. and too little emphasis has been placed on that. at least that's how i feel.
as Son of Man, He limited His power to that of a mere human and came to relate to all our weaknesses and frustrations of living in this fallen and wretched world as a result of an estrangement from our maker because of sin. there was true identification and as He rose from the cross as Son of Man to Son of God...He arose in full power and yet having been fully human allowed us to rise with Him in this power and be joint heirs in Christ with Him. If He'd just remained Son of God, i can't help but think that the intimacy we enjoy now with the essence of heaven would still be absent.
thanks for not going up alone at the Mount of Transfiguration. Thanks for choosing the open door of the cross instead and keeping it open even till today so that all of mankind can join You, not just in heavenly citizenship but as sons and daughters and partakers of Your divine nature.
the following by Oswald Chambers..
" If Jesus had gone to heaven directly from the Mount of transfiguration, he would have gone alone. ...But he turned His back on the glory, and came down from the mountain to identifyHimself with fallen humanity"
i think we don't seem to pay enough attention to the distinction between Son of God and Son of Man. afterall, its the same person. its two entirely different titles but we don't see the significance. and too little emphasis has been placed on that. at least that's how i feel.
as Son of Man, He limited His power to that of a mere human and came to relate to all our weaknesses and frustrations of living in this fallen and wretched world as a result of an estrangement from our maker because of sin. there was true identification and as He rose from the cross as Son of Man to Son of God...He arose in full power and yet having been fully human allowed us to rise with Him in this power and be joint heirs in Christ with Him. If He'd just remained Son of God, i can't help but think that the intimacy we enjoy now with the essence of heaven would still be absent.
thanks for not going up alone at the Mount of Transfiguration. Thanks for choosing the open door of the cross instead and keeping it open even till today so that all of mankind can join You, not just in heavenly citizenship but as sons and daughters and partakers of Your divine nature.
Monday, May 22, 2006
bye elliot, hello amy week.
finally the long wait paid off.
thought i'd be over the moon but thank God that nearer the later stage of the wait, i learnt how to enjoy without the things i never thought i could do without. learning the art of rejoicing in those circumstances was no easy feat. i'm just praying for a smooth transition now.
and i celebrated daily (well, almost) just counting the true blessings and being out of the previous difficult season. with the help of many many lovely souls that God has so graciously blessed me with.
thought i'd be over the moon but thank God that nearer the later stage of the wait, i learnt how to enjoy without the things i never thought i could do without. learning the art of rejoicing in those circumstances was no easy feat. i'm just praying for a smooth transition now.
and i celebrated daily (well, almost) just counting the true blessings and being out of the previous difficult season. with the help of many many lovely souls that God has so graciously blessed me with.
"in Your hands, for every storm there's a reason,
in Your hands, there's a time for every season
though tears may fall,
You'll hold me close,
love me through it all
in Your hands"
**
really missing a few friends whom i don't get to see thanks to busy schedules, distance and reasons.
i miss just hanging out, long conversations etc because i don't think i can find anyone else in the world who bothers to be my friend even when you guys understand me the way you do.
i think nothing in this world beats fellowship. not just companionship and thats what i've been craving. i'd gladly trade my favorite tv programmes for a phonecall from a friend. (ok, tv is a big sacrifice to MEE) i've always maintained that if i ever wanted just empty companionship without a deep connection, i'd get it in a crowded peak hour train.
and i've been there whereby i really lost a friend for good. and i know how the ache in your heart never really goes away every time the memory surfaces.
i've learnt how to smile at the memories and not cry over spilt milk.
my friends are few but very precious. Jesus, being the most precious.
in Your hands, there's a time for every season
though tears may fall,
You'll hold me close,
love me through it all
in Your hands"
**
really missing a few friends whom i don't get to see thanks to busy schedules, distance and reasons.
i miss just hanging out, long conversations etc because i don't think i can find anyone else in the world who bothers to be my friend even when you guys understand me the way you do.
i think nothing in this world beats fellowship. not just companionship and thats what i've been craving. i'd gladly trade my favorite tv programmes for a phonecall from a friend. (ok, tv is a big sacrifice to MEE) i've always maintained that if i ever wanted just empty companionship without a deep connection, i'd get it in a crowded peak hour train.
and i've been there whereby i really lost a friend for good. and i know how the ache in your heart never really goes away every time the memory surfaces.
i've learnt how to smile at the memories and not cry over spilt milk.
my friends are few but very precious. Jesus, being the most precious.
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