Somewhere in between.

Today was a little bit rougher than usual. The waiting got to me. I hate not having any answers. I'd rather a straight-out rejection but I need to focus on the silver-lining. At least they're still considering and I'm still in the running for my dream job.

Also, I got disappointed because..6 months on, still no baby. 2013 must be the ultimate year of waiting to hone my patience. Well, at 30, and after so many years as a Christian, if anything I think God decided to produce 70% of that much-needed fruit all at a shot. Ironically, it is His accelerated "patience-honing" program. I am not enjoying it obviously.Some days, I get by with a bare pass. Others, I'm a screaming bratty toddler on the verge of a mental breakdown after being denied TV time.
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On another note, I was lamenting to self today that there are so few people I can be completely at ease with and just be myself. No pretenses. Not that I ever tried to be anybody else or someone I'm not but I've tried to disguise what I am. Note the difference? More like, I hide my sadness, my discomfort, my anger etc. As the years wear on, there are lesser and lesser people that allow my true self to be at ease and as a result, I've acquired more and more disguises. They usually range from sullen to more sullen. Occasionally, I have the spaced-out look but sometimes, I'm just escaping mentally to stop the tears from gushing out.

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Being 30 also meant my skin decided to go all hormonal and "let's show em' we're still young!" mode AKA breakouts. Therefore, I decided to adjust my skincare routine as such so let's all take a time machine and zip back to 1996. Actually, in 1996, I didn't have zits. I had near-flawless skin almost all through adolescence. I was one of those "lucky ones". I rarely empathized and understood the agony of acne (just had to make that rhyme). I've gone back to "clean and clear" and started MATTIFYING moisturizers. Went for the cheapest, a Loreal hydrafresh because I figured it is probably the most teenage-friendly product since the price coincides with teenage budgets and WOW. I am so so impressed! Where have I been? My skin is kept supple and hydrated without any sheen for the entire day! I never had a $15 so well-spent. Basically these two products have been so amazing and kind to me I almost welled up with regret and pain over all the thousands I spent on my skin. Also, they turned me into a near beauty blogger by devoting so much of my post to them. Oops.

So the skincare snob is now even more humbled. Yes, I'm super blown away by Watson's pedigree products. My ichagiku (I still can't spell) hair treatment, HADA LABO (cannot-do-without), Loreal Hydrafresh and CLEAN AND CLEAR (in apple scent no less!). In fact, when Watson's had a 50 cents discount, I went all OCD and bought bottles to stock up. Yes, auntie-mode for teenage products. I'm confused.

That said, I'm still eyeing that $89 blue therapy serum from Biotherm and Shu Umera's Tsuya eyecream. It's crazy pricey for an eye-cream and the best therapy really is to sleep and then conceal dark circles but it's just one of those things I don't give up on.

Yes, somethings don't change. And, if all else fails, I'll just start a beauty blog. ;p

Holding my breath

So I turned down the teaching position after much deliberation, thought and prayer. Wise counsel from those who knew me too. It just wasn't me.

Narrowed it all down to two now.

Who would have thought that the second was even an option? Sometimes God really surprises me.

What other surprises do you have up your sleeve dear Father?

My spot of heaven on earth-FOUND.

The blue-er skies misled me to believe that it was safe to venture out.

Despite the improvement in air quality, it apparently was not Xinying-proof yet. As a result of going out, I am now paying the price with laboured breathing, rapid heart palpitations and cough. My throat seems lined with phlegm and medication has proved futile.

It is difficult to talk when asthma hits. I can barely gesticulate for help and garner any attention. I have witnessed three people suffer from lung cancer. One died in front of me and to imagine how much worse their suffering must be as they struggle for breath in their severely weakened state is horrifying.

Strangely, as I try to ride out this momentary trial, the lyrics of an old song keep coming to mind.
"Our dreams are young and we both know, they'll take us where we want to go..."
I've forgotten what most of my dreams were. A lot of them have also been "revised" as life matured me. One remained. That I grow old and well with Isaac. I am so thankful for him, especially in this last 6 months. This july, we would have been together a full decade. A whole decade of emotional upheavals.

Now that I'm older, I no longer dream and yearn so much about travelling the world unless it is with Isaac. My idea of heaven on earth is now whereever he is and I don't want to be separated by distance and timezones anymore. Well, I will not dismiss the possibility of taking my solo journeys to HK for shopping because it is a complete bore to him and I usually have to compensate by feeding incessantly but generally, yep, that's it. Heaven is where your loved ones are and I'm so glad I've found my spot of heaven here on earth. It's such a blessing.

I hope the job interview turns out well. For now, it seems perfect. The JD fits me to a T and for once, it doesn't require ANY travel (except a 40 minute commute every morning) and the industry screams my name. I'm up against strong candidates and can only pray.

God, I know you heard me the first time but since I can't really verbalize my prayers in this asthmatic condition, please let everything go smoothly for the interview. Grant me loads of favour and wisdom to impress and secure the job. Secure the best terms for me please. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Wherefore art thou Job?

On a separate note, another job called me up again. This would be the seventh unsolicited one this season. Again, it led to nought.

Now there are three left in the running that I really want. They pay a lot less (at least 50%) but I want them so much. They offer some sort of challenge and yet provide good hours and a decent environment (read: cheap labour).

But it looks way out of reach. Firstly, I've not had much experience in admin. Secondly, not much talent. Thirdly, I still don't know how to answer the perennial question "why are you willing to take such a pay cut" without sounding like I have no ambition, am not up for any challenge and just want ANY JOB that complements my husband's job.

Life as it is now

Waiting is so hard.

But the theme of waiting runs throughout the bible and is documented well in all the patriarchs of old. It is arduous, trying and sometimes sheer painful as doubts assail and confusion looms. For me, it often causes me to think retrospectively in detail as I doubt whether I heard God right, made the right decisions etc and of course, there's the age old temptation to craft my own solutions and to help God move along or speed up. I disrespect his timeline, thinks that He has forgotten me and of course, as history has evidenced, often create more problems than before.

Which is why even though I have no job and no bun in the oven, I'm doing everything I can by crucifying this impatient, faithless monster that lives in me. Biting my nails, tongue anything to keep the monster within from rearing its ugly head.

It is extremely difficult and I've never done well for tests like these. I am impatient by nature and my lack of childhood discipline did little to curb it. Some days, dark clouds of gloom loom over my thoughts and literally weigh me down the throes of depression. Thankfully, I have the support of prayers from my husband and as a veteran of depression, I'm better equipped now to fend off the feelings of hopelessness.

I really don't know how long this season will last or how long I will last in this season. Hopefully, I outlast it and emerge victorious as I trust God and win the waiting game. Hopefully , hope will return and my heart will swell with faith again and the fiery arrows of doubt will be quenched as I grow in Him.

I pray that God teaches me to cherish the season, strange as it sounds, prayerfully read and grow in Him, use my time wisely and improve my homemaking skills (lotsa yummy home cooked food to bless the bodies).

Simple blessings

Now that I'm more ore less settled into the routine of a housewife, it seems that the whole job search has begun yet again, ramping up in speed.

Chermaine reminded me today that ''being a housewife is a calling too''.

Interesting thought. I never saw it that way.

For so long I mulled over all the things I didn't have or in my case, gave up. I didn't have children early, I gave up my career and am now a dowdy housewife. I even told Isaac it was perhaps more worthwhile for him to invest in a pet than in me. First, he gets entertainment and more loyal company from say, a poodle. The poodle's grooming budget is probably less than mine too. I lamented my existence and all the things that didn't seem to go well with me. Until I was intercepted by a thought. Isaac happened. We both have a roof over our heads. We are both healthy. I know so many others would have been over the moon to enjoy these spectacularly simple blessings. Yet there I was, living in the laps of blessings but being completely oblivious to it.

Yes, there are still concerns especially now that my ginormous tax bill is in and the last I checked, my CPF can't last more than a year. We have to make plans to get the financial engine going again but every plan I've made so far has failed dismally. It's almost as if God grabbed the keys to the car of life that I was determined on driving without following His instructions from my hands. Against my will.

And now, to be very honest, I am very happy being ''poor' housewife. I loved the fact that he can come home to a home-cooked meal everyday. I love having time to spend with him...even though sometimes it means waiting around until he finishes work to catch a show together. I am starting to appreciate the fact that we don't yet have kids and can live like newly-weds. I am less anxious now and even if I do have a job, it cannot compromise our togetherness and I know that while I probably have to bid farewell to some home-cooked meals, we can still continue to collect memories and build a strong foundation for our marriage.

So there, here's the perspective change I've long been waiting for but didn't realize it.

I'm grateful. For so much.

I love him more than I love myself and never thought it was possible. Now, i don't even know where to find love in my heart for another being. Now that I'm more secure in his love, I cannot describe the increased peace I now feel. On that same tangent, I cannot imagine how much more peace I'll enjoy (goodbye insomnia) if I just knew God's love for me. I really really want to know it more, deeply so that I can walk in faith and trust Him and His character and stop fending for myself.

Fifth!

I got another call today! I'm starting to get really amazed and confused. I applied for nothing and this looks quite like it. I'm not sure if it'll pan out because I feel so under qualified.

Now the trick is to be still and rest. Let God orchestrate and choreograph my next steps.

Fourth

Right after I closed the door to one job yesterday, another came a knocking at my door today. Is the market so hot? I have never had so many job propositions without applying in such a short time. All the times I looked so hard for a job, nobody got back. 

This position is slightly more attractive. It is a maternity cover for someone but the remuneration is even more than my previous by 20%. 6 months. Maybe I can pull it off. The discussion is tomorrow. So we'll see. I don't want to be presumptuous and count my eggs before they hatched but this seems totally do-able and complies with all my conditions! I get to be mentally stimulated, not too stressed (it's a 6 month project afterall) and I still get to build my family! And did I mention they're offering 20% more? 

Let some stories end

Some time ago, my friend asked me why the industry I was in was fraught with so much drama. Back-stabbing politics and and tricky circus-like maneuvering of processes were part and parcel of a day's work. Needless to say, it was a drain emotionally, mentally and physically to constantly be on my guard to outwit, outsmart and outlast. I cannot even begin to imagine how much worse it is for others in other sectors like finance whereby it is manifold times worse. I shrugged at her question. I've been in there so long and my resume was built up on surviving these dramas. Where else can I go? There is no retreat option. While it took a toll on me in many areas, I generally enjoyed a job well done and a product well-launched. I lived for the thrill of successes translated into healthy profit margins. It was all I understood work to be and I could not imagine doing anything else for work.

However, with the years getting on, it is increasingly difficult to sustain this kind of work lifestyle and I was forced to look at other options which left me completely lost in a vacuum. I did not know what else I was qualified for and the thought of starting afresh in an unfamiliar (but perhaps friendlier) environment was daunting. I did not know normal. It did not exist in my work vocabulary all these years. I wondered how dysfunctional (me) and normal could co-exist. I might even upset others' work equilibrium.

After taking a long hiatus from work, I started thinking that maybe, just maybe it's ok to let that story of my life end completely. That I need not return to it. That I might actually be able to do something else. Entertained this thought for two days and counting and I started looking around different tabs on job portals to discover other avenues. Maybe I can decide that it will not be just the end of another chapter but a complete end to the story. Maybe after so many years of living on a roller-coaster, I can head for the "tea cup ride" of life and enjoy it.

That said, after a few applications for jobs outside the industry, NONE got back. Instead, I got yet another unsolicited proposition for a full-time role in a company based in Shanghai but extending its reach to SE Asia.

The jury is still out on whether the story will end or if it can take a sharp abrupt turn in direction and settle for a slower, less strenuous pace. Or perhaps, maybe after the grueling training, I can lie low and let the arrows fly swiftly over my head, unscathed.

We'll see.