My spot of heaven on earth-FOUND.

The blue-er skies misled me to believe that it was safe to venture out.

Despite the improvement in air quality, it apparently was not Xinying-proof yet. As a result of going out, I am now paying the price with laboured breathing, rapid heart palpitations and cough. My throat seems lined with phlegm and medication has proved futile.

It is difficult to talk when asthma hits. I can barely gesticulate for help and garner any attention. I have witnessed three people suffer from lung cancer. One died in front of me and to imagine how much worse their suffering must be as they struggle for breath in their severely weakened state is horrifying.

Strangely, as I try to ride out this momentary trial, the lyrics of an old song keep coming to mind.
"Our dreams are young and we both know, they'll take us where we want to go..."
I've forgotten what most of my dreams were. A lot of them have also been "revised" as life matured me. One remained. That I grow old and well with Isaac. I am so thankful for him, especially in this last 6 months. This july, we would have been together a full decade. A whole decade of emotional upheavals.

Now that I'm older, I no longer dream and yearn so much about travelling the world unless it is with Isaac. My idea of heaven on earth is now whereever he is and I don't want to be separated by distance and timezones anymore. Well, I will not dismiss the possibility of taking my solo journeys to HK for shopping because it is a complete bore to him and I usually have to compensate by feeding incessantly but generally, yep, that's it. Heaven is where your loved ones are and I'm so glad I've found my spot of heaven here on earth. It's such a blessing.

I hope the job interview turns out well. For now, it seems perfect. The JD fits me to a T and for once, it doesn't require ANY travel (except a 40 minute commute every morning) and the industry screams my name. I'm up against strong candidates and can only pray.

God, I know you heard me the first time but since I can't really verbalize my prayers in this asthmatic condition, please let everything go smoothly for the interview. Grant me loads of favour and wisdom to impress and secure the job. Secure the best terms for me please. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Simple blessings

Now that I'm more ore less settled into the routine of a housewife, it seems that the whole job search has begun yet again, ramping up in speed.

Chermaine reminded me today that ''being a housewife is a calling too''.

Interesting thought. I never saw it that way.

For so long I mulled over all the things I didn't have or in my case, gave up. I didn't have children early, I gave up my career and am now a dowdy housewife. I even told Isaac it was perhaps more worthwhile for him to invest in a pet than in me. First, he gets entertainment and more loyal company from say, a poodle. The poodle's grooming budget is probably less than mine too. I lamented my existence and all the things that didn't seem to go well with me. Until I was intercepted by a thought. Isaac happened. We both have a roof over our heads. We are both healthy. I know so many others would have been over the moon to enjoy these spectacularly simple blessings. Yet there I was, living in the laps of blessings but being completely oblivious to it.

Yes, there are still concerns especially now that my ginormous tax bill is in and the last I checked, my CPF can't last more than a year. We have to make plans to get the financial engine going again but every plan I've made so far has failed dismally. It's almost as if God grabbed the keys to the car of life that I was determined on driving without following His instructions from my hands. Against my will.

And now, to be very honest, I am very happy being ''poor' housewife. I loved the fact that he can come home to a home-cooked meal everyday. I love having time to spend with him...even though sometimes it means waiting around until he finishes work to catch a show together. I am starting to appreciate the fact that we don't yet have kids and can live like newly-weds. I am less anxious now and even if I do have a job, it cannot compromise our togetherness and I know that while I probably have to bid farewell to some home-cooked meals, we can still continue to collect memories and build a strong foundation for our marriage.

So there, here's the perspective change I've long been waiting for but didn't realize it.

I'm grateful. For so much.

I love him more than I love myself and never thought it was possible. Now, i don't even know where to find love in my heart for another being. Now that I'm more secure in his love, I cannot describe the increased peace I now feel. On that same tangent, I cannot imagine how much more peace I'll enjoy (goodbye insomnia) if I just knew God's love for me. I really really want to know it more, deeply so that I can walk in faith and trust Him and His character and stop fending for myself.

Marriage vows -21st Century

Just realized that for many modern marriages, it is no longer a matter of "till death do us part" but "till work do us part" every so often.

Makes me rethink what God would have wanted for my family and what is truly pleasing to God.