Somewhere in between.

Today was a little bit rougher than usual. The waiting got to me. I hate not having any answers. I'd rather a straight-out rejection but I need to focus on the silver-lining. At least they're still considering and I'm still in the running for my dream job.

Also, I got disappointed because..6 months on, still no baby. 2013 must be the ultimate year of waiting to hone my patience. Well, at 30, and after so many years as a Christian, if anything I think God decided to produce 70% of that much-needed fruit all at a shot. Ironically, it is His accelerated "patience-honing" program. I am not enjoying it obviously.Some days, I get by with a bare pass. Others, I'm a screaming bratty toddler on the verge of a mental breakdown after being denied TV time.
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On another note, I was lamenting to self today that there are so few people I can be completely at ease with and just be myself. No pretenses. Not that I ever tried to be anybody else or someone I'm not but I've tried to disguise what I am. Note the difference? More like, I hide my sadness, my discomfort, my anger etc. As the years wear on, there are lesser and lesser people that allow my true self to be at ease and as a result, I've acquired more and more disguises. They usually range from sullen to more sullen. Occasionally, I have the spaced-out look but sometimes, I'm just escaping mentally to stop the tears from gushing out.

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Being 30 also meant my skin decided to go all hormonal and "let's show em' we're still young!" mode AKA breakouts. Therefore, I decided to adjust my skincare routine as such so let's all take a time machine and zip back to 1996. Actually, in 1996, I didn't have zits. I had near-flawless skin almost all through adolescence. I was one of those "lucky ones". I rarely empathized and understood the agony of acne (just had to make that rhyme). I've gone back to "clean and clear" and started MATTIFYING moisturizers. Went for the cheapest, a Loreal hydrafresh because I figured it is probably the most teenage-friendly product since the price coincides with teenage budgets and WOW. I am so so impressed! Where have I been? My skin is kept supple and hydrated without any sheen for the entire day! I never had a $15 so well-spent. Basically these two products have been so amazing and kind to me I almost welled up with regret and pain over all the thousands I spent on my skin. Also, they turned me into a near beauty blogger by devoting so much of my post to them. Oops.

So the skincare snob is now even more humbled. Yes, I'm super blown away by Watson's pedigree products. My ichagiku (I still can't spell) hair treatment, HADA LABO (cannot-do-without), Loreal Hydrafresh and CLEAN AND CLEAR (in apple scent no less!). In fact, when Watson's had a 50 cents discount, I went all OCD and bought bottles to stock up. Yes, auntie-mode for teenage products. I'm confused.

That said, I'm still eyeing that $89 blue therapy serum from Biotherm and Shu Umera's Tsuya eyecream. It's crazy pricey for an eye-cream and the best therapy really is to sleep and then conceal dark circles but it's just one of those things I don't give up on.

Yes, somethings don't change. And, if all else fails, I'll just start a beauty blog. ;p

A brand new decade

It wasn't like I imagined. At all.

I didn't hyperventilate and faint. I didn't feel an exponential increase of wisdom or overwhelming fatigue (as with age).

I had a simple day. Almost like any other ordinary day. But I'm thankful. I haven't had ordinary for too long and I have since learnt to not take ordinary for granted.

I didn't get to sleep in as I would have wished to due to construction and my part-time helper vacuuming up a storm too early in the day. I went for tea with Mum and shopped. Nothing fruitful came up in this expedition except free samples (thank you Clarins) and a bright coral dress (at a hefty discount! thank you God!).

Dinner was Italian's at La Nonna and because I specifically insisted that we have no cake, we got me Mao Shan Wang durian ice cream instead. It was rich and yummy, although not exactly the best for my over-heated constitution as manifested in my zitty face.

I'm so glad that my turning thirty gave us all an excuse to get together after all the turbulence my family went through this year. I'm so glad work gave Isaac a reprieve so he could have dinner with me. I am SOO thankful.

Looking back, I just cannot imagine how God saw me through these thirty yers (there, I said it) even though so many times, I thought I wouldn't make it. The finish line seemed so close and dismal. Every birthday was like a harbinger to more trials but despite all the trials, His grace and love saw me through. Even when I misunderstood Him. In fact, His love and faithfulness were the only constants in my life when everything else was in chaos and disarray. Just a few months ago, every area in my life reeked of the stench of despair and death. The death of marriages and health. Now, spring finally arrived and even though circumstances are still less than ideal, I have an innate joy and confidence that I haven't had for the longest time. I guess that's the best birthday present really.

Some have asked me what they can get me for a birthday present. I used to decline politely because I know I was too picky and didn't want to cause inconvenience especially if it turns out to be a gift I won't use. This year, it is different. I still decline but because everything I need and really wanted can only be gifted by the Gift Himself. I just want to be closer to Him, to know Him and to win and comfort souls for His glory.

So job or no job, child or childless, I just want Him happy and that every moment I live to be a Jesus-filled, God-glorifying moment. I want to eradicate complaining and self-pity out of my system and form new habits that demonstrate Him. It won't be easy but thankfully, it is not by my effort but His.

So there, Happy THIRTIETH birthday to me! Thank you sweet Lord!