above

apparent incongruency
that's the cross on calvary

grace at its fullest
love at its greatest

yet judgment so merciless
leashed out upon one
cruelty so full
evil so dark

but they all meet
at the cross section of divinity and humanity
on that lonesome tree

that dark afternoon on calvary

"earth if chosen instead of heaven will just be a region of hell and if put second to heaven to have been from the beginning a part of heaven itself'' -C. S. Lewis

"if then you were raised with Christ, seek the things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things of the earth." col 3:1

return to me

ever wondered what might be resounding in the father's heart?

what have i done wrong
was it something that i said
was it something that you wanted
was it something i withheld
what cld be the reason
that you'd turn and walk away
where could you be going
are you coming back some day
my heart is slowly breaking
but one question still remains
how long will i be waiting
to see you here again
i love you and i still believe
that you will love me too

i love you if you return to me
i will return to you
to this place where i last saw you
i've returned a 1000 times
a thousand tears have fallen
a thousand dreams have died
but i believe the day is dawning
i'll see you coming down the road
i've had a ring made for your finger
and the servants made a robe
and the calif has been made ready
our favorite feast is overdue
cause one chair at the table
is empty without you

inspired by the story of the prodigal son
by Jason upston

By Jason Upton

"we do not see God as the ruler; we rule and order our own steps and then ask God to bless them. when He chooses not to, we get angry!"

(i was slapped awake by that simple line and i'm sorry i let me run my life instead)

When You Were A Child

when you were a child
I called you my own
And you were mine
When you were a child
You could not stand alone
But you were fine
i want to know that child again
maybe time has changed you
but love remembers when
you called my name and like the wind
i carried you away
it seems only like yesterday
when you were a child
when you were a child
the world was the unknown
but you were wise
to simply trust in me
that i will never leave
and hold on tight

the love of God.

i just wanto be a trophy of His grace and be safe in a crazy home.

pls sing this hymm out loud to yourself all over again if you're feeling alone, confused, scared or just simply abit starvedof love.

i can't believe the lyrics of this song was found scribbled on the wall of an asylum. no way the person who knew the love of God could be insane. if thats where they keep people who know his love, then i am taking consolation coz i'm housed in something akin to an asylum. and i know i'm in the thick of his plan. so there.


the love of God is greater far
than tongue or pen can ever tell
it goes beyond the highest star
and reaches to the lowest hell
the guilty pair
bowed down with care
God gave His Son to win
His erring child He reconciled
and pardoned from his sin

o love of God how rich and pure!
how measureless and strong
it shall forevermore endure
the saints and angels' song

could we with ink the ocean fill
and were the skies of parchment made
were every stalk on earth a quill
and every man a scribe by trade
to write teh love of God above
would drain the ocean dry
nor could the scroll contain the whole
tho' stretched from sky to sky

5 days in an entry

this week:

i haven't had time. been too busy. infact i have a headache now.

but im generally alot happier. God has been more than very sweet, patient and kind. thank God for onlinebibles that have been my main source of strength and encouragement in the office. it allows me to tune in to God surreptitiously without looking too obviously skiving. i love the message version so much...

this week on the whole has been a huge emotional rollercoaster ride (whats new?). for awhile i thought i'd just remain in shock and i thought i'd never snap out of it. i thought i'd just play dead so the troubles will leave me alone but alas, thats just a lousy lie fromt he pits of hell. i might as well face it and enforce the victory that Jesus has purchased for me.

slowly but surely, i feel something inside me transpiring. im still tempted to panic and give into frustration about many many things but really...the light inside me is shining much brighter than the seemingly overwhelming darkness and its been so heartening knowing from non christian collegues that they see it in me. the noticeable difference that i never really quite believed was truly palpable tangible and visible. apparently the glow of joy is so noticeable especially during crunch periods. to Jesus be allt he glory i say. most glad to be able to shine for him. of coz it shouldnt take their testimonies to validate the truth that sits snugly in my heart...so i don't know why im still surprised.

***
okok now the drumroll segment. the corrinne may concert!

its like how good lor. i was so in awe.it ministered to me in so many ways i can't describe so i'll try to do it in the best way i can. im such a fan now so forgive me if i tend to be biased.

so glad mei ling asked me to go even before i heard her songs. yah..i think we booked the tickets so long ago that i had to be reminded of the concert. my tearducts activated from like the first song and by the last song, i was all puffy and mucusy. not a pretty sight so thank God its dark.AND its no way the sad sappy kind of ambience...theres just so much hope and you can almost see the struggles she had to go through. its all reflected in the beautifully penned lyrics which i believe was inspired from a greater source. (WE SHARE THE SAME GOD) after all the crying, you can't help but feel hope and joy. shes just yet another glorious testament of His goodness and faithfulness. i don't know exactly what journey she had to take to be where she is today but that beautiful night at the esplanade concert hall, i could almost see Him smiling down on her.

i dunno but her songs speak volumes and it seems to speak directly to me. don't ask me to commento n the technical part, the acoustics etc...i won't know what to say.i can't tell the difference. all in all, i feel like i can identify with every song and she sounds so much better live. i love her already as a person and theres just something so beautiful, raw and vulnerable about her that you just can't help but love.

i wish i had pictures but no photography allowed. sigh.

***
sch has officially started for zac and i feel so odd and displaced being where i am...working. it almost feels like yet another holiday job and i'm just patiently awaiting to choose my modules. i miss lectures, lunches with him, the cheap food...etc. i miss the whole experience, the good and bad.

gone.

now i'd just have to embrace this unique part of my journey alone with Jesus and wait patiently for him to join me in the workforce. Hez been very well taken care of by Jesus and ...i'm going to cherish every minute of my journey. yes, even though its not altogether a 10/10 experience and it drives me to the brink of despair all too often.

allthings will work out for mygood as the word has promised and i know that i'm learning and growing and being shaped and moulded into all that i was made to be.

slowly but surely.

lambs playing along

i have a lamb dance. he has a lamb song.

its really very cool

a list

am going to live the high life that He called me to at the heavy cost that He already paid.

am not going to change what is beyond me but am not going to let it change/warp me.

am excited.

am precious to the great I AM



Stuff of Earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of all good things

jars of clay- if i stand

why must i title everything?its so difficult

It's a new world - it's a new start
It's alive with the beating of a young heart
It's a new day - in a new land
And it's waiting for me - here I am

bryan adams

entering the new land.today was different again. and idon't know why exactly but it seems to mark yet another turning point. something transpired once again and its too difficult to define it. but anyhow, its beautiful.

i called in sick today because i was just not well and i decided i really needed a break. yes, only after 3 weeks but yah. it hazznt been easy but thats all i'm ever gonna say abt work here. i refuse to blog about work. at least not until i'm done with it.

however, what nearly because a dark and cloudy day( i don't mean just the weather) turned it to be so beautiful and bright. admist the thunder and blinding rain, God painted a beautiful rainbow in my own sky, just for me.

things like these makes me just wanto go out and celebrate life, with him. how certain things worked out for us mysteriously and no less miracalously makes us just wanto fall down on our knees all over again and just weep our hearts out. while offering nothing but heartfelt praises to the king of kings...the lord of lords. theone we call our God and Father and Brother and Friend and Savior.

i truly cherish him and cherish us. the trials and challenges that we had to go through together, that threatened to tear us apart only makes me more confident at the end of the day tt we will make it. just as He said. and knowing that i have His endorsement is all i need really. if i have to go through it all again just to be with him, i'll do it all over again. and i thank only Jesus that what keeps us together is truly greater and stronger that what even attempts to tear us apart. including me, the past, and kaypoh people, and loved/hated ones alike.

i would like to say that i've not tried to give up and take the easy route by throwing in the towel. i would like to think i endured, kept the faith all the time. but i didnt. only one person kept the faith consistently and its neither me nor isaac. He also happens to be the mediator when our fights turn so ugly we make the joo chiat everitt road pple blush...He also happens to just be always there in the sweet and sour times. (sounds like a dish i like).

And that is always wonderful.

to me this season, i am knowing Him more and more as my restorer.

its tough to be completely honest here coz i still have reservations abt the judgments that might come forth as a result. but honestly, its been lonely. for both me and isaac. and im glad now we are having some semblance of a true family. good Godly parental figures have been ushered into our lives to love us and while all too wary at first, i think i'm really thankful. its nice to be parented for the first time in 22 years. to be able to have a good glimpse of what kind of father the Father really is in a human being is awesome. for some people, Jesus just shines out through them and its so evident Jesus lives in AND through them. so beautiful.

wanto be like that.

its been extremely hard and there is no point going into how hard and dark it has been. how i've gone fr being depressed, stressed, maniacally happy, deathly ill with all sorts of physical ailments. i've grown disillusioned with people generally, thanks to the double mindedness and hypocrisy i've witnessed and experienced first hand.i don't wanto go on lambasting coz i'm giving these too much undue credit for the distress that i've even allowed them to effect my life for what seemed like only too long. rejection only tastes bitter when u swallow it. the trick and smart thing to do is spit it out. i took too long to learn that.

i nv entertained any grand illusions that i'm ok completely stable, altogether there and i've built up too many walls, and a fortress of sorts altogether as a result of these experiences. i wazznt even sure if i'll ever be the person that God made me to be. i'm no where near pulling down these mighty walls and to be honest i wanto keep me and isaac inside the safety of these walls forever.

but today, i think i'm making the first step to come out fromthose shadows. no pls dun take this as an open invitation to rush into my life if i din even give you this blog address in the first place. go away. not because i wanto but for him, i know he wants this more than i do. its not fair to him at all and i know that God will protect us as He always have. and i know He darzen want me living on the defensive. and i know at the end of the day, i'll have to come out. for my own good. so that i can finally live free and truly live.

don't judge me. (well you could, but it wun have an effect on me)don't even offer comments.don't msg me. don't tell me. simply because i'm not at the place whereby i can love anyone and everyone.

a shake head moment.

one of those days...

him: ok i wanto go watch the apprentice already...
her: huh?you wanto wash whose panties??!?!

When i needed a savior - matt redman

Looking back on time
Seeking to remind myself
of allYour mercies I can testify,
on every page of life
Your grace just keeps unfolding...and unfolding
You made me fruitful in the land of my suffering, Father
You made me hopeful in a place of no hope
Poured oil of gladness on the wounds of my struggling,
and YouPoured oil of healing on the depths of my soul
When I needed a Savior, You were there, You were there
When I needed a Healer, You were there, You were there
When I needed my Father, You were there, You were there
You are here...You are here
Ever since the dayI looked upon the crossI've realized Your mercy
For every stage of life
Sweet and bitter times
Your grace just keeps unfolding...and unfolding

the invitation for everyone.

for anyone and everyone

there might be nothing in you to make anyone or God love you. But there is something in HIM that causes Him to love you. Its in His character. Within is infinite love, grace, mercy and acceptance.

you can come as you are. Jesus has qualified you to stand before the most high God.

just a cry is all it takes for those strong arms of love to come envelope you and turn your darkness into light.

the joy luck club

i can't write more except that i cried and cried to this movie. again.

i don't know why but it hits a raw nerve.

of course i know why. who am i kidding besides myself.

the emptiest day

i need a release from my pent up soul so here i am.coz blogger with all its glitches and faults still prove to more faithful and trustworthy den say....msn and some of my 'friends'.

don't worry. He has heard me. so has he.but i just need to repeat this just ONCE more. allow me..

am so peeved right now and as many of you prob already know, i started working. i cant mention where and wat i do here although its really NO BIG deal but because...simply because...i don't wanto take any chances and disclose anything here.

this is prob not a big deal to so many of you facing bigger challenges and its not a big deal to me but i really need to be delivered out of this stage of my life. i feel suffocated and i just know its so painful to stay where i am. not because i hate what i do...but it just feels wrong.

i love the people. ok..maybe i don't like one person quite very much. (ok very very much) but its just not right. but i can't leave. yet.

and i can't find anything iwant. i went for one interview which i thought was something i would sooo want only to have a sinking feeling the moment i stepped in. no , i wassnt dismayed because of the aesthetics of the office. i just had a sick gut feel in me. as i advanced further into the waiting area...i saw lines of idols greeting me. ok that xplains the sick feeling. and it was a friday night and people are still in the office at 6 plus....and i found out later they dun leave until much much later.coz theres just too much work.

that aside, even the job description din look too appealing. it was somewhat akin to modern day slavery and everything inside and outside me was so repulsed by it.

den i got my taxi queue cut twice. den i was taxiless. den some idiot decided to stop his lorry where i was, wind down his window and whistle and spew crap out of his filthy being. so while keeping eye contact, i pretended to call the police and noting down his license plate. suddenly enlightened, he sped off. what a pity. i was so in the mood to chat up any policeman/woman. i was also so int he mood to crucify the people who cut my taxi queue.

i was so discouraged. i wanto leave the present job so badly and yet i met with another bummer and now i suddenly don't know wat i really wanto do anymore. at all.

and it darzen help that cold case really really inspires me to be a detective.

bahhhh.
ram ewe

return me to the cross

i can revisit the cross ten thousand times over and glance at 10000 facets of God's greatest act of love for me on the cross and it'd still never be enough for me to fully comprehend, fully understand, fully lap it all up.

life began there for me in His death. and the Father truly spared not His own son for me. He held nothing back. for me. It PLEASED Him to send Jesus there to take on my suffering and sins. its still mind blowing today after 9 years. it still baffles me and i pray it never stops. the surge of hope comes back once more no matter how long i've spent downcast when i revisit the cross where my Savior died to purchase an eternity, a relationship for me.

***

i turn 22 in a few minutes.

and there is just so much to be thankful for. have been shouldering some burdens on my little shoulders and its been honestly back breaking (literally too) and today in church, my beloved pastor, whom i wassnt close to (afterall i'm so new) or knew anything in the natural just sensed it and spoke out certain things that God told him that i was going through. its nothing spectacular and even addressed a physical illegal pain that has decided to inhabit my temple of the holy spirit unconciously. little gestures of love...to let me know once again that He knows, He cares and Hez right there. no big revelation apparently but its a big deal to me.

no detail too tiny for someone who loves you.

makes me feel so precious and loved and gives me the strength to lift my head and raise my hands in praise. my wonderful savior and father, all over again.

had a wonderful weekend of celebrations of some sort over the weekend. truly beautiful and i could just see how much time they (God and His isaac) spent to make this special for me. nothing spectacular in the natural but i was truly genuinely touched by their endless streams of love that kept flowing relentlessly. i was not well enough to enjoy it completely but the comfort and love that flooded into my little stony heart was more than i could really bear. and thankfully, it was also more than the pain in my body.

i will give up trying to fathom why they see wat they see in me and agree with them, only by faith and humility that it is true. all of Jesus, none of me. i'll disregard the old person, crucified with Christ and put to death once and for all and embrace all the life that has been purchased for me at the price of His precious blood. the celebration of my life and His goodness will never end and i believe that even in heaven as i speak, even in my heart as i speak, they are celebrating the day i was birthed and most of all, the day i was resurrected and returned home to my Father.
***
and here's my oscar moment.
so, thank you. to You my Father, God, redeemer, savior, friend.

thank you to my laughter package. my big blessing. the only one who co owns my heart with Jesus.
thankyou to my dearest friends, (yes, i've amended it to err iron age friends after violent protests).adelene, belle and mei ling! thank you for remembering and gracing my heart and life with your beauty and love.these friendships survived time space and distance and even long dark ages and is truly tough as iron only because Jesus keeps it. amen?
thank you for all those who remember even though we've been out of touch. jos, thank you!
thank you jon, for calling even though i'm so chiong hei and its so expensive to call and still thinking that i'm worth it. (unless u were lying) GOOD BOY.
and jo!my young and younger friend. best roommate of all time!
and NIQ!u've been the bestest brother. ever.putting up with the worst of me and blessing me and isaac so so so much. it takes alot of faith to believe in me, believe in us and we're so glad to have you in our journey.
thanks eugene, for remembering. for staying in my life.somehow.
and cali too. i love you
and pammy, my fellow 5 stomachs friend. =)

my 3 minutes is up.i've gotta get off the stage.

if glass doors could talk...

glass door 1: (bemoans) AHhh..shez coming shes coming
glass door 2: yah u're right- braces ITself-

glass door 1: i bet she won't see us again. why does she have to work here?why are we made of glass?why oh why?
glass door 2: -sigh of resignation-
a few seconds later...

the crash occurs.

i walked into the glass door again.

Enlightened.

In the councils of eternity, I was being discussed. Great plans for my future were laid out for me. Plans to give me a future and a hope and a life so abundant that this world will never fathom or know. So rich and bright that its blinding to the mortal man.

So although i don't see it, although i am only living a tiny fraction of it, that knowledge brings me unrivalled comfort joy and peace. i want to know more to know better. and its humbling to know always that inspite of me, i am still loved and..accepted.

In a day and age whereby true acceptance is rarer than a dinosaur, i am savouring and relishing every bit of it. i don't fit easily into many people's lives and am find great difficulty rooting myself anywhere. no one has my allegiance except for a selected for and of coz the only living God, Jesus Christ. yet, a piece of me is demanded and many try to sway my choices in life. its especially heart wrenching when i discover (albeit much later) that every choice i make might end up qualifying or disqualifying me in man's eyes.

but hallehlujah! today i proudly declare (even if no one reads this lonesome blog) that my highest qualification (as asked in a job resume) is not my rather worthless B.A but Jesus Christ who shed His blood for me. because i only have this to rejoice in, in it i rejoice. and to me, it is truly more than enough.

rejection from anyone you care and love and truly want to be a part of your life is truly difficult and painful and i must be quite blessed to have ...hmm..lets say at least 5 firm people of God in my life that are there to cheer me on in this journey and show me how enjoyable this journey can be.

i've been to a dark place whereby i've been a hermit because i just refused to try anymore to validate myself or my choices. seeking human approval is a vicious process and i will have no part in this malicious business anymore. i'll be who i am, who God made me to me and glory and revel in all of it while looking forward to more. i'll stop beating myself up over the mistakes of a bygone era or even 5minutes ago and truly embrace all that Jesus is because that is afterall, ME.

i am crucified with Him. and i died before i truly lived. but ironically (and thankfully) it is in His death i live forevermore and i'll celebrate that. amidst the shifting circumstances, darkness, gloom and doom.

i will soar on.

recent events and MY FIRST TIME ADDING PHOTOS

convo pics.centennial class of 2005
(i had alot of trouble balancing that lousy mortar board)

in light of the recent events, i have come to cherish the people i love alot more. at least i hope so. i don't necessarily have a chance to express it but i really do.

i don't know how they manage to find grace to stay in my life even after they've seen the ugliest of me. the worst and still love me. but i know its truly a testament of how much God loves me. i've had some aid recently recounting the colorful memories we had together (esp the days in MGS)and boy am i thankful i led a life so colorful because of the wondrous gems i have.

i don't know how i can laugh and cry harder with anyone except with them and totally be myself. or at least try not to conceal what i really am. thank you so much. i wish they are reading this. i can't replace these people in my life..especially one. since sec 1.

i never thought we'd be the firm friends and staunch eating kakis that we are today but here we are and more to come. i never thought our friendship could survive the change of class in sec 2...yes this was really my confidence level in our friendship but God has truly proven himself faithful. she truly grew up with me or rather..watched me grow up. she befriended me when no one took the slightest notice of me. in a myriad of drop dead gorgeous girls, i easily faded into oblivion and stood out because haha..i was far from ordinary.i was erm..extraordinary in a not so nice way. God put me right smack infront of her and i was painfully shy and despite having a thousand reservations (i think its about a 1000++) she became my friend.eventhough i did uncool things like collect phonecards. even when...there are too many 'even whens'.

even when i was truly in despair. and when the darkness is too overwhelming, because of her, i knew i was never truly alone. somehow, light even broke through because of the light that lives in her.

of coz there are many many more that my beloved savior have since added into my life. from church and of coz isaac quek. and a shoutout to those from the stoneage..namely annabelle and adelene...thanks for growing up with me.now go your way...i love you two.but im staying at 21.go ahead and grow old. go gogo.

i must be so blessed. i must be so loved.inspite of me.

thank you Jesus.

who am i?

that memory is etched indelibly in me i can't erase it.and its so back to haunt me.

my convocation is in a few hours and thats why its here.togive me the same jitters.

always had trouble responding to my name. maybe because of the numerous variations that have been concocted. it sounds different everytime someone says it. at least it is the case to me. many pple i know remember screaming for me in canteens, in town, in the toilet, before i walk into the lampost etc....but failed to get a response.

but this was really the classic quintessential incident.
when i was 6, graduating from kindergarten...i was sorta the 'valedictorian' fo rmy class. basically all i had to do was collect all the scrolls on behalf of the graduating class when they called my name. and bow abit.

and despite making 3 announcements for me, and i was standing right there on the stage, ididn't respond and the whole audience just stayed there stunned. i wazznt paying attention. i was looking for my parents in the crowd and got so distracted i didn't hear my name being announced over and over..until someone pushed me from behind or something...and i scuttled forward.

and of coz all this was recorded on tape.

and tomorrow will come in a few hours and here i am playing endless scenarios in my head of myself tripping, with my batgirl suit (graduation gown) falling off somehow OR...not responding when my name is called.

a farewell-Rocky (1990-2005)

it will never be the same

he belongs to my firm friend of what must be 10 years now.

i've grown to love him in my own unique way. and somehow he ended up being my pet topic with many..old and new friends alike. as if he was mine sometimes.

i would talk endlessly about his queer habits and often jibed him for all his quirkiness.

he was a unique dog and unique in this case is just a euphemism for queer and weird. =) i remember being so scared of him.because he drools so much. because i thought he was growling at me when he was yawning. but i've grown to find him so endearing. and now that hez gone, its hard to stomach that i'll nv see him again. nv scream.. when he yawns again. nv. coz he has gone to sleep for good.

he made me laughso hard sometimes i'd cry. because he is such an undog dog. because he'd walk on wet paint and then leave his little cute paw prints all around the parquet floor.

there are so many memories despite never having been mine. even though some of the accounts are second hand...it seemed that he'd be there to watch us girls get married and have kids and still play with our kids.

HE ADDED COLOR TO MY LIFE and this is how....

i laughed at him endlessly at the fact that he was hard of hearing and would respond to anything that rhymes with 'gy'. His name is rocky but he'd respond if you called him piggy.

he'd come running everytime there's food.i don't think i've known a greedier dog than him.and the time he swallowed the hot dog bun at a go and nearly choke

he'd share his food with birds and cats...and even the scary big dog nxt door.because he was such a coward.

he's scared of cats and chases birds. a dog who really doesn't behave like one.

he looks like a toy alsatian. so small even for his age.

he'd try to hard to seduce the neighbourhood bitches who are more often than not...many times his size.and how he always failed.

he'd drink water from the toiletbowl i was afraid to forget ever not to flush.


gah.goodbye rocky. now that u're in heaven i hope you can read this post. i really wanted to come over to say goodbye.

pardoned

i must really sound like a broken record but the past few days have been almost more than awful.

and i have rediscovered mercy anew at a heavy price.

i didn't realise that i was capable of causing so much hurt and pain and i thought in a particular case, i was the one extending free forgiveness. little did i know..that i was the one in need of forgiveness myself and that much of it because of what i had unwittingly put someelse through.

i can apologize a thousand times more and it wouldn't change a thing.neither can i or will i try to turn back the clock. neither is it of any use for me to beat myself over it..and sadly i tried.

and its hard for me to finally admit and come to terms that truly one perfect sacrifice is enough. the one on calvary and since i can do nothing but offer prayers, Jesus will restore unto the one i have unwittingly caused harm and hurt. the price has been paid and i don't have to pay. and restoration will come..much much more.more than i can ever hope to give back out of my bankrupted self.

ephesians 2:4-7
But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us,
even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved),
and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,
that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

i dare not even look up and expect more of His kindness to be shown towards me. coz being blind to my own fault, i have gone on and on. but penance i will not pay. lest i insult His perfect work. i'll leave it all at the foot of the cross today and continue my journey..

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart.
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.

caedmon's call-thy mercy