returning

sometimes if i'm not careful, i make an idol out of certain things and it takes my focus away from the only one that matters.

until i'm gently nudged to go back to my first love and allow it to take precedence in my life again.

**
put on quite a bit of weight and i feel clumsy. some might like to dispute that i was clumsy when i was skinny but thats not the point. last week i walked into a wooden plank, walked into a man riding a bike and caused him to nearly fall off the bike amongst other things.

i feel like i take up more space than before and thus, things and pple shd make way for me.

i was quite upset abt the increase in weight until i remember my doctor telling me that my bmi prior to my putting on weight was like 17 and that increases risk for osteoporosis.
i was also upset that alot of that weight seems to show up alot on my face.

certain pple are so going to make fun of my cheeks.

sigh.byebye self esteem

who are we really rejecting?

"they don't see you as i do"

i like that God sees me covered by the blood and accepts me in all my humanity. he sees hope in my future despite the little that i am. i don't wanto ever grow independent of him. i like it that He walks through the valleys AND mountaintops and my weaknesses are not repulsive to Him. His love is not cancelled out by anything i do and at my lowest, i can always expect His love to be even sweeter and stronger.

one of my main struggles in life is refusing to fear and take into consideration man's opinion and making the concious choice to put God's opinion over all else. even though He is unseen and they are seen ( to the naked eye).

its so easy to subject myself to the scrutiny of man and allow my esteem to fluctuate according to their moods. not that God sees me as perfected but the acceptance He has for me by virtue of Jesus' qualification and justification is something no man can ever give me and i cherish that more than anything else in the world.

man might read one page in my life and dismiss me but God knows the story, from beginning to the end. and He is determined to walk me through more than i want Him to.

i'm determined to do the same and even though sometimes i fail and find myself swallowed in pride as i despise certain others, nothing pains me more than when even the church despises its own. its nothing out of the ordinary shd we suffer persecution from the world but when the world offers more acceptance than the church, something is seriously wrong.

sarah allis yang shared today about her experience of walking freely and finding acceptance to God, imperfect as she is. i love her spirit and she is one of the christian leaders of today that i truly respect. she doesn't preach a message. her life is the message. her and her whole team at the ark will put any religiousity to shame and i'm so glad our paths crossed. i like the fact that she doesn't bother to hide her imperfections by donning religious robes /dresscodes and comes truly as she is, with her imperfections and flaws. i love her team so much i have to fight impulses to swim over to the states to join them.

i long for this kind of fellowship and brotherly love and i can see how pleased the Father is when His children are like that and having been in the church scene in singapore for well over 10 years, sadly, i have never came close to what they have.

if there weas a prototype for all of us to conform into, then we're missing it. the church of Jesus Christ is meant to be a diverse church because Christ came for the world. the church should have room for all sorts, and not the perfected. the perfect belong to their own narrow minds and should make room for those Jesus died for, the true inheritors of the earth. the sinners, the sick, the outcasts, me.

i wish someone would remember the pit they were hewn from and know that if all they're looking for is top grade (measured by the world's standards , ironically), they cannot expect a revival. coz top grade pple don't think they need Jesus and are few and far between.

make room and shoo!

**
a black man was cast out of a white church some 100 years ago. he lay outside crying at the door, disheartened and dejected. suddenly, Jesus appeared to him. Sobbing, he cried out "Lord, they won't let me in".

Jesus lovingly replied "Son, they won't let me in too"

**

Anchoring.

i found myself in semi panic mode today. after i took caffeine. i know i shdn't have but i did. my blood pressure has always been pretty low and caffeine worsens the condition. soon i found myself spinning, pouring cold sweat and my heart racing. this was followed by waves of nausea.

i hope to learn my lesson. no more caffeine. ever.

also, i was also stressed with financial forecasting. Lack of experience and an unhealthy fear of numbers thanks to failing a maths for 2 years straight didn't help.

so i just panicked and panicked...and all this time my head was spinning and i was pukish.

didn't help until i threw everything aside to just cry out to Him. and being faithful to His child, peace managed to tranquilize my soul and arrest my heart.

phew.

**

found a pretty cool list that pretty much sums up alot of deception we face in the modern world, so i thought i'll share it:

Deception

1) believing that acquiring money and things will bring lasting happiness (ref: Matt 13.22, 1 Tim 6.10)

2)believing that consuming food and alcohol excessively will make me happy (Prov 20.1, 23.19-21)

3)believing that a great body and personality will get me what i want. (Prov 31.10, 1 oeter 3.3-4)

4)believing that gratifying sexual lust will bring lasting satisfaction ( Ephesians 4.22, 1 Peter 2.11)

5)believing that i can sin and get away with it and not have it affect my heart (Hebrews 3.12,13)

6)believing that i need more than what God has given me in Christ ( 2 Cor 11.2-4,3-15)

7)believing that i can do whatever i want and no one can touch me (prov 16.18, obadiah 3, 1 peter 5.5)

8) believing that unrighteous people who refuse to accept Christ go to heaven anyway ( 1 Cor 6.9-11)

9)believing that i can hand around bad company and not become corrupted ( 1 Cor 15.33,34)

10) believing that there are no consequences on earth for my sin ( Gal 6.7-8)

11) believing that i must gain the approval of certain people in order to be happy ( Gal 1.10)

12) believing that i must measure up to certain standards in order to feel good abt myself (Gal 3.2,3;5.1)


recognize anything? let the truth set you free!

announcement

i'm very pleased to announce that supper is a legitimate meal. because Jesus ate supper. HALLEHLUJAH!

the last supper remember??

why wait?

one day every tongue will confess You are God, one day every knee will bow
but the greatest treasure remains for those
who gladly choose You now

thought of the day

let my valleys be full of Your joy and peace, as i behold your majesty. let man not see me when i'm on the mountain tops but see the banner declaring your son, lifted even higher that they may know that You are sovereign in my life.

undone

"woe is me , for I am undone!
because I am a man of unclean lips
and i dwell in the midst of a people with unclean lips
for my eyes have seen the King
The Lord of Hosts"

Isaiah 6.5

Church camp 2007 report.

back. and so changed. this time, it's different. its no longer just an experience, a spectacular demonstration of power and majesty. this time, i'm convicted

i'm almost speechless so be patient while i struggle to string my thoughts. i repent of every disdainful thought i had towards this trip. God blew my mind, wrestled for my mind and won my mind (and heart). its not just everything made right. i dont wanto boast abt anything and make myself sound like the greater saint but somehow this time round, i felt almost sold out.for Him.that nothing else matters.

my own agendas appeared to have laid to rest. i don't know but i don't think i have the strength to resurrect them again. i used to be afraid, that He'll give me an assignment i don't like but now, i'm seeing the fruits of obedience and the grace that comes to equip me when i deny my mind and say '' yes''.

the deep desire of my heart is nothing more than His pleasure and making Him happy. i feel like i can't live at all if its not the best He wants. i'm a love sick bride of Christ. just excuse me.

prophecies galore but that's not even the highlight. so many confimations. they just serve as accessories to the main thing. was so engulfed with molten love i was incapacitated and speechless. tears flowed freely but the joy deep within was incomprehensible. i was not satisfied...i thought i'd be but i found myself wanting more.

all the struggles have ceased by now as i die. as the waters went into the dead sea and emerged from the other side as fresh living waters, watch while i die. don't hold on. i've been crucified with my Lord and i want so badly to live as He'd want me to . i almost think some of you will think like you lost a friend. because i'll be unfamiliar..but i take heart that some of you will gain a better friend. dying to myself so that Christ can come alive in me. to take territories for God, i must first surrender my own.

it's all so precious to me i'm afraid that if i share with the spirit of unbelief, the value of it all will be diminished. so pardon me if i don't put it here.

still discovering more as i incline myself to His voice. i saw the mantle. i wanto finish the race well.

now i feel truly victorious. its the marrying of the shulamite and the nazarite in me. no longer just lovesick in worship but i love enough to fight back and take back, for His cause. the nazarites fight..hard.love hard.

suddenly i'm not aware of my limitations and inadequacies that scream '' im just me, what can i do?" but i just wanto do it because i hate the things he hate and love the things he love.

strange ..if you knew me.

"just give me 12 men who fear nothing but God and hate nothing but sin".

testament of my creativity

this is totally random. and it came to me at 1.23 am. i'm cracking up making fun of my name.

some time ago, dear shuxin suggested we call our new business 'xin corp'.

tonight this came to me, i cld easily change my name to ling er ring (lingering) or ling er rie (lingerie).

my surname is just so funky.

pam, its such a pity you became a ting. we were almost family. i know no one else who can lay claim to the strange dialect grp.

don't remind me i'm turning quek.

no...wait, its quek-ling.

unexpected.

there is a third world country in our midst and so often, i go through the day caught up in my own problems which i thought are bigger than God i turn a blind eye to the needs of others, which i can so easily meet.

i cannot on my own profess to have a heart made of gold. sometimes i think i've got a rather stony heart but i really thought i felt a stab of pain when He illuminated my eyes to share the plight of others.

last sunday in church, i was singing with my heart to really know His heart and the words that resounded so strongly were "break my heart for what breaks Yours" and this very week, that prayer materialized. it was more than I asked for and called for a sacrifice.

i still don't know if i have it in me to obey but i'm praying for the grace to obey. break me if it has to be done but the flesh is really rebelling against it.

now i'm in a position to give, more than a convenient prayer but really give till it hurts. but somehow, even though i know its going to wound my flesh, i'm inclined to that idea. let my spirit win this battle please.

i don't want to weigh the consequences or the options but if what i've 'earned' can be accrued to someone else, i just pray now that that recipient can see what Jesus earned for her.

oh, please pray for me. to have the heart to obey now that i've heard. its already so blessed to hear. maybe this will break my tendency to self-pity and whine when the going gets tough. it really takes the spotlight off me and i really truly get to go about my Father's business.

until i forget me, i never really remember Him.

love isaac. i shrek.

got beautiful shrek ears today from macs, courtesy of isaac! it makes me love isaac more. not that i can be bribed...easily.

i guess i'm the kind of girl that if my bf bought me an expensive gift, i'll be like "AIYO WHY WASTE MONEY!?!?" coz im such a scrooge myself.but somehow if its an expensive MEAL, its ok.

dunno why but shrek made my day.i adore shrek and princess fiona. they're above all the fairy tale characters. they have a way of subverting culture and make us look up to ugly things instead of the usual pretty princesses and 'prince charmings'.

**
my mum went on one of her kl trips today. shez the only one i know who can make it to kl and back in the same day , courtesy of SIA. and because she is not staying overnight, she pretty much boards the plane with a handbag. i followed her once in recent years..and it pretty much was check in, board the plane, sit down, buckle, drink something, get down.

then i remember doing what we had to do, ate lunch, walked around, ate, hailed a cab and hailed a plane.

and my mum being the strange insists on sia coz another competitor airline's air is not clean and gives her a headache. i used to scoff at that until the aircon broke down on a flight back from australia last year and i fainted on board, waking up to an oxygen mask over my head and pple fanning me with all their might AND my legs propped up at 45 degrees to get the blood flowing..

and all this while, sia has not failed me once... i've lost count with delayed flights, bad food, bad service, dirty toilets, broken down inflight entertainment and AIRCONDITIONING on q***** .

as the dear pants

Free by Corrine May
it's still the same old story
this great divide
between the want and waste
and all the hunger inside
i heard the news today
now i'm trying to find my place
i'm just a single voice
what can i do to erase

all this misunderstanding
all this anarchy
six degrees of separation
sometimes it's so hard to see
that we are not alone in this
i need to believe

i can be free
i can be free from this place
beautiful healer
beautiful grace
help me to see
everything fall into place
wake me from dreaming
no more deceiving

break these chains

Elijah felt alone too just because the numbers against God were alot less than those there were for. i feel alone for less noble reasons. discouragement weighs heavy and i don't know why..this haunting weight of inadequacy and that my crazy emotions are privy to me and me only.

i determined to be different from the start but not so different i have to feel so alone. although i did think to myself that even if ever the day comes whereby choosing right means being completely alone, i will. But i didn't expect the test to come in such a way that although choices have been made and things appear to be on the upward swing, the feeling of loneliness is just plain overwhelming.

what i cannot bear is not knowing. because i already have trust issues i need to hear His voice everyday. not that i don't know he is watching but because i just like the comfort of his presence. but these days, i'm back to the days whereby chaos permeated my heart and i can't hear the gentle whisper.there is only one voice i seek and i delve into semi panic mode, aggravating it all.

through it all, there can only be one who can lift me up. but before that, i have to lift my eyes to see Him in the midst of this inner storm. there is a hurricane within me and its throwing everything off balance. the only thing way to see in the darkness is through the eyes of my heart. illumine me..

thinking aloud.

sometimes i just wish everything will go easy and my way for once.i'm so not up to taking up challenges today.i feel like anything can break my spirit and i need to be upheld.i don't know how to pray, my defenses are down and i just want to hole up and cry.

i don't know why i must care abt every single detail and insist they go perfectly. i don't know why i have so many cares and am so neurotic. i don't know why. i'm almost ally mcbeal minus the fact that i'll never be a lawyer and i have more body fat.

can u tell im terribly frustrated with ME?

i just wanto let go but i don't know how. i don't know why im such a kancheong spider. i don't hate life. everyone has problems. i absolutely hate the way i manage it. i let life manage me instead of the other way round...no, wait, i shd let God manage me. i dun wanto manage anything without him and yet i wanto manage another's life.

i have serious trust issues. i cannot trust God when He says he'll do it. i'll wonder endlessly. if i was abraham, i wld've died of anxiety even before isaac came to pass.i'm so resistant towards failure im almost risk averse but i cannot resist when an opportunity comes so i take it still with great fear and trepidation and then entertain doubt on a regular basis.

i just want joy and peace in the abundance as it was promised. i just wanto be free and love, laugh, give freely. i want to be able to enjoy all i've been given and allow others to enjoy .

helpch.

on my lord's shoulders

He hung,
rose
sat
so that
i may
sit
walk
soar


my fountain of delights
to do my Father's business
is the purpose for this life
to take the position
that was forfeited in Eden
redeemed at Calvary
to take back His kingdom's territory
to forego flesh and pride
and be clothed as His bride
with a banner of love
hanging over this earth
taking the path of resistance
against opposition and strife
the narrow way
is the only way to life.

i will abide.

taunted

i get scared more often than i'd like to admit. i'm more gideon/moses (the stammering one, not prince of egypt) than david /joshua.

the only solace i have is that i always have someone to hold my hand and guide me. someone i can trust 200% although my faith levels often dip to sub zero levels.

these days i find myself assuaged with doubts and unbelief despite the many amazing developments. i wonder whether i'm on the right track coz its so impt for me to be right. i wonder abt the huge risk and countless ''what ifs''.

but today, knowing that i face these insecurities, a sweet lady of God texted me and told me that if i keep focusing on the 'what ifs' now, i'll only end up with regret at the end of the day with the '' if onlys''.

and suddenly my perspective is straightened again. to His.

and someone else says it better!

a quote from one of my own list of most respected people-Charles Colson in his book, "the good life"

"The myth of personal autonomy- of "my point of view, right or wrong," or " my happiness, right or wrong" --is a mere counterfeit of what you and I really want. It substitutes an illusion of self sufficiency for the sustaining reality of nurturing relationships within a community. The good life? We do not experience it in the loneliness of today's fads of self-expression and self-gratification. The good life is found only in loving relationships and community.

But even this, important as it is, doesn't get us to the good life. There's more to it, a matter of the heart, as we see in the life of someone who could be any of us.

"You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature... Therefore, whenever we have the oppotunity, we should do good to everyone"

Galations 6:7-8,10, NLT

Charles Colson again..

" The good life is made possible when we expose some of the lies of our modern culture-the belief that money and things give us happiness, the seductive notion that we can design our own lives and enjoy unrestrained autonomy. Even when we relize that it is dignity, not riches, that constitutes the good life, when we have our family and community life together and are usefully engaged, we can still find our lives incomplete. Somethng more is needed, something that shakes us out of the comfortable routine of life- a moment of awakening when we question what gives us significance."

**the above is like an answer from heaven. i actually read this after i typed the previous blog. God is so coool.

almost jacob

the air is so still tonight it's almost suffocating.

there's been so much i want to blog about but haven't found the words/time. i'm still in the 'between the dreaming and the coming true' phase and the Lord has been pretty consistent in confirming and giving me the same word at almost every turn. my emotions are 'rojaked' and i run the whole range : from excitement to fear as i step into the unknown, when the only certainty is really, come what may, He'll be there.

i cannot be so bold to say that i won't fail or there won't be hiccups but i realise that i need to come to a place whereby i cannot fear anything, including failure. even when much is at stake. coz that hinders me from progress and thats death in itself. when i'm so paralyzed with fear i can't even as much as inch forward towards the goal that is so hazy and vague, i'm as good as gone.

so i'm moving foward. slowly but surely. the destination might seem hazy. the road ahead fogged. thank God for light for the step i'm on. i'm going..with the light in me, i'm going to fight all the fear that opposes me and march ahead. life is too short for me to not try, to spend time paralyzed in fear, to not live my dreams. that aside, i also run the risk of letting the little venture on my own define me, my walk, and distract me from chasing God. sometimes i get so carried away with planning and research it seems my prayer life is centered around these things when the innermost of my being cries out for simple plain sweet fellowship with Love itself.

lately, i've been so introspective some might say its bordering on unhealthy.(but i don't think so leh)i'm questioning what i want to achieve in this life so much i'm surprised at my own answers. i realise what i fear most is simply a life without significance. (not lack not cockroaches/butterflies)i want to be significant not in the sense of being in the limelight nor to find worth in the things i do. its hard to explain but i need to find significance in the things i've set my mind to do. because i'm significant to Him and him. i want to do this and this right and to build lasting monuments in life that will leave a good legacy behind for Him and those who come after me. i want to spend my life doing things that are well...worthy.(for the lack of a better word)

now that i've recognized what i truly want, and not what the world advocates i should have in order to be happy, the tough call now is to march against the strong torrent of this culture. i'm tempted to envy when i see the apparent abundance of material goods in another's life until i hear the gentle whisper "Be careful to guard yourselves from every kind of greed. Life is not about having alot of material possessions". (Luke 12.15) then i stop and i realise i can never be fulfilled until i live my call and have what He wants for me and now the prescription of the world.

its strange how i've seen the world toy with the hearts of many and entrap them into the premise that its with great wealth will they find great happiness only to leave them high dry and later on send them 'crash landing ' when they're there. i think its the realization of the futility of their investment of time and various other sacrifices that break these souls. and its harder than i can imagine to struggle against the spirit of the world.

my last sunday working.

went to Sloane hotel for dinner today with my family. its the quaintest place and it totally doesn't feel like i'm in singapore at all.

will upload pics much later but the highlight is, it was reported in the papers that the site is worth about 55 mil.

so while we were supposed to reverse out, i unwittingly engaged the 'D' gear and ran straight into the 40 year old hotel, prompting my brother to scream, "wah, 55 million nearly gone because of jiejie"

**
then at home, while trying to park, the neighbour who was actually washing the car with his brother backed into the corner and froze in shock as he watched me (try to) park the car. they refused to come out of hiding until i safely got out and locked the car.

**

all that aside, my tear ducts are actually very overworked because of a whole host of reasons. i suddenly abhor so manythings that i used to permissively approve and because of the stand i take now, i'm setting the stage for a lot of 'showdowns'. the refusal to compromise sets me against 'goliaths' bigger than i can imagine. and i'm not sure if i'm half a david.

but God will still be God so i'll wait and see. suddenly , overnight i find myself standing against alot of opposition and unfortunately, apart from isaac and Jesus, i see no one else on my side. it feels terribly alone but i've made of my mind. alot of pple will probably balk at the change and sometimes i almost feel like turning back and just crawling back into my oblivion and console myself with the lousy thought that 'alone, i can't make much of a change anyway ' and just enjoy my material blessings but i can't turn a blind eye.

**
i used to think i'll try to make it 'big' and take my family and kids on expensive holidays to disneyland etc. disneyland was my favorite (and still is) and i just want to bring my kids there every year.

today, i realised that my first and foremost duty as a mother is to endeavor to replicate the spiritual DNA of Jesus in them and i realised that until they realise there is a sin filled suffering world out there in desperate need of help and Jesus, i haven't fulfilled anything in life. for someone that is ultra particular about sanitation and hygeine, i have been pretty stirred to go beyond the first world geographical boundaries into the third just to share some love and shed some light.

while my kids bask in the blessings that people in the first world so freely taken for granted, i want to open their eyes and hearts to see what is beyond this world, to see the heaven and the hell. to experience the heaven and give them a desire to drive heaven into hell and continue what Jesus set out more than 2000 years ago to do- set the captives free.

i don't know how to do that if it doesn't begin with me and isaac. God help us, along with all our weaknesses and infirmities, we just want to make a difference and redeem the culture and show the world Jesus lives.

between the dreaming and the coming true

in a nutshell:

1) tras street
2) driving license
3)benny hinn meeting
4)shared umbrella with a girl who i later realised was a persecuted christian in nth vietnam
5)freedom
6)pursuit of a dream
7)pursued by a God.

the cross is not where i pass through to heaven, its where i dwell , my source of life.

today i learnt about a 4 year old girl who despite her age, with her finesse and fortitude puts me to utter shame.

at 3, she was discovered to have leaukaemia and was prescribed painful chemo sessions which caused her hair to drop and endless pain. Traumatic enough for any adult, she took it well in her stride and claims its no big deal to have cancer. Her spirit was informidable and strong.

She went around in her baldness and when asked why she didn't wear her hat to hide her baldness, she replied indignantly showcasing her finest strength in that moment like this.."so what?i'm still beautiful"

and she won my heart. and respect.

**
and lately the Lord has been showing me about the importance of knowing who i am. knowing so will make me stand firm, on solid ground and be immovable even when all around me circumstances are like shifting sand.

Jesus' identity was often challenged and the devil taunted mercilessly to get him to prove that he is truly the Son of God. from the 40 days in the wilderness all the way to the cross, there were numeral instances of him being taunted to prove that he is the son of God. indeed he suffered utter humiliation on the cross where as he hung crucified, God didn't show up in a mighty way to deliver his son. his son had to endure not just physical pain but mental agony as those he is giving his life for spit on him with scorn and pride, scoffing at the most High. thank God he endured. for then i can be reconciled with my Father. and praise God because the endorsement from Heaven eventually came when He rose from the grave, 3 days later having conquered hell and satan.

even more so, today, the same creep relentlessly taunts me by trying to cast doubt in my head of my identity. not that i don't know that i'm saved by grace and heaven is my destination but i was behaving more as a slave than a child of God. when the pressure caves in for me to choose, will i choose His way , their way or mine.

while i knew my heritage, i didn't know my inheritance. its almost if the inheritance died out when it reached me and the heritage is a shameful foregone past. but its not! i have an amazing heritage having descended from Him and to be called His child and my inheritance..well the bible says i'm a joint heir with Christ and that has to be alot!

everytime i call upon the name of Jesus, whether in praise or as a cry of help in distress, all heaven stands at attention. i wear royal robes as an indication of my identity in Him and my standing in His sight. i'm well loved and is the apple of God's eye...because in this i know so because God sent His son to die for me.

God had to remind me all that so that when the world challenges me to compromise the things that define me on the inside and corrupt the nature of Christ deep within me, I can firmly say no. I can refuse my flesh and embrace my spirit when the flesh rises up. when doubt and fear assuages me, I can run to my Jesus knowing there is a refuge for me. when the standards of the world dip alarmingly, i can rise above.

if there's nothing i can cling on to in this world, let me never lose my identity. coz its the one thing that will lead me home.