"so lift your hands to heaven and pray, that we'll be back together someday"

Last week, I returned to Hong Kong not knowing what to expect. Like I mentioned too many times before, this land has a special place in my heart.

I prayed that we would have many God incidents as He directs our paths throughout the 7 days and He answered us in a spectacular measure. Apart from meeting Lawrence who is a dedicated Christian in the marketplace, we also found ourselves walking into a hair salon by chance because a fog disrupted our planned trip to macau. We saw a sign that said that 'Christ was the head of this house' and walked in and the next thing we knew, we were chatting up a storm in a hilarious mix of english, cantonese and mandarin with the salon owner, Louis.

He shared with us his salvation testimony and I am left in awe by the great lengths the Lord in doing in this land. I pray for much more of His spirit to be poured out, that when the enemy raises up a flood, the Lord himself will raise a higher standard, that the church of HK will be strong in the face of a culture that doesn't respect Jesus.

It was such a privilege to be in the company of these people. To know that in a marketplace that is ruled by principles subversive to that of God's, they are holding on strong and continuing to soldier on to reverse the works of the enemy and to bring Jesus to many.

Ironically, it was during this trip that I really questioned myself if I could live and work here. It is war-365 days a year. Living conditions are less than ideal and the work culture is punishing in nature. I really applaud my christian brothers who chose to live apart from the world while in the world and I know it's a mean feat. In the past, I would have jumped at any opportunity to relocate but after getting a glimpse of how the locals really live and how hard their lives are, I am thinking twice. I thought I knew hong kong but I was wrong.

Our trip also coincided with the anti-chinese movement. HK is like the orphaned child, given away by her mother to support her own opium addiction only to return a century later to claim parental support despite having had no part in her development and tenancious childhood. While I totally see where this anti-chinese movement stems from, I wonder if the xenophobia will result in disastrous backlashes. 

I don't think I will be back anytime soon. For real. Every single time I leave, I think it's the last time I'll be there in awhile and the next thing I know, before the year is up, I'm back again. You decide, Lord.

So on the last day, I felt a tinge of sadness arising in me as I bade the land farewell. I don't know when I'll be back but I'll remember you in my prayers. 

I love you.

香港

:)

The hardest part, Coldplay

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it's just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it’s the part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part

Paradise-coldplay

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fl

Hiring the 'Third Billion'

Hmm.

Hiring the 'Third Billion' - http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/01/29/why-the-global-economy-needs-to-businesses-to-invest-in-women

Shared from Newsweek, an iPhone app made with www.AppMakr.com

Awestruck

Yesterday, I was telling God and a friend how crippled I feel regarding certain issues that have bogged me down so much.


Today, as I prayed I got a verse from Isaiah 35 that said " The lame shall leap as a hart"


"Gladness and joy will overtake them, 
   and sorrow and sighing will flee away."


" Strengthen the feeble hands, 
   steady the knees that give way; 
⁴ say to those with fearful hearts, 
   “Be strong, do not fear; 
your God will come, 
   he will come with vengeance; 
with divine retribution 
   he will come to save you.”


I don't know how but somehow, keeping on in the word of the Lord is slowly unraveling my Lebanon, filling me with hope and strength.


Surely the Lord is the strength of my heart and portion forevermore.

Haha

I fainted in 1997 at the dentist after extracting 4 teeth to make room for braces.

I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance. I thought I was going to die at 14. I remember opening my eyes but seeing nothing and hearing anxiety in the voices around me ad the paramedics tried to rouse me back to consciousness.

Prior to that I never feared medical personnel or trips to the dentists. I prided myself for being braver than the wimpy boys. I never winced when they drew blood, administer vaccinations and extract (baby) teeth.

Then now I'm a wuss.

I have had a long descent into wussdom. Gung Ho no more.

Deja Vu

Over and over.

Like a broken record.

Before I enter, I scan for the exit, ready to bolt.

Rubble everywhere.

The familiar sting and stench.

I re-live every thing again.

Leehom Wang - Ni Bu Zai

And I haven't gone for a single Lee Hom concert. Given the lousy acoustics in Indoor stadium and the dark lights, I probably will have to strain to hear every single word and read the lyrics on my iphone.

Youtube to the rescue!

Find your freedom

"You were there for summer dreaming
and you were a friend indeed
And I know you'll find your freedom eventually
for eternity"-Eternity, Robbie Williams

Dear mouth

Now you seem to be infected despite taking 18 anti-biotic pills a day. Because you have been behaving like a recalcitrant brat, I am now running a temperature and a headache. I cannot stand the chills even though the air con is not on and my head hurts like..bad.

You have hurt me too deeply. Too much. You gotta stop so my fever can go, headaches can cease and my shoulder ( yes I blame you for this too) can stop hurting.

I need sleep and to be able to eat. I hope you heed this warning or else I will deny you your favorite food.

Thank you.

Yours,
Brain

Romans 12:2

Don't become so well adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out...unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Idolatry

The first idolatry introduced to me was the worship of self.

Growing up, I was the only child and grandchild. I was highly favored and soon it was obvious to my young psyche that everything does revolve around me. People would bend over backwards at their own inconvenience to make me happy. I reigned over them and my happiness or lack of it would spell the same for them.

I was spoilt rotten.

But the real god that really ruled and tormented me over the last 10 over years was money. The bible clearly says that we shall have no gods other than Him and the love of money is the root of all evil. I have worshipped money discreetly in my private chambers of my soul while claiming to be a believer in Jesus Christ. I have allowed money and the apparent lack of it to govern my decisions and direct my life. Jesus doesn't have the last say. Money did.

Today I renounce it. I take the filthy god off the throne and reinstated the Lord Jesus Christ as the king of kings over the throne in my heart, where He rightfully belongs. I smash the idols of money and I want this with all my heart that this will be the last time it ever has a reign over me.

I will not serve this god anymore or any others besides Jesus.

God Bless the USA - American Idol Season 2 Group Performance

still makes me cry.

Heading for shore

So I've been dwelling in confusion and chest-deep in the mire of despair for a week.

Then a short conversation with "the sage" sorted it all out and sent me reeling back from all the exaggerated lies that I've allowed myself to believe.

I'm inspired by your faith and your trust in God. Really.

So here am I am, again, getting ready to disembark from the sinking ship. For some reason, I've boarded two sinking ships in one year. Both situations ironically required a tremendous sense of courage to put on my life jacket of trust in a God who never fails and jump into the stormy waters to await either rescue or swim to shore with the last bit of strength I've got.

I'm not sure what's next. In any case, the earliest this chapter can be concluded is in April/May. I don't know if I'm ready to kick-start another career. Isaac is of the opinion that I've not really rested in 7 years and maybe I should just..not work. To that, I instantly rebut with questions about financial viability and the all-important question of what I will do with my time after that.

I'm not that kind who can sit home all day and not engage in work. (And I'm not referring to housework).  I will have a hard time trying to be still as I fend off ideas on business plans, analyze life, business etc and send my mind into overdrive all over again.

Word in season

Commentary on Isaiah 41:10-20

God speaks with tenderness; Fear thou not, for I am with thee: not only within call, but present with thee. Art thou weak? I will strengthen thee. Art thou in want of friends? I will help thee in the time of need. Art thou ready to fall? I will uphold thee with that right hand which is full of righteousness, dealing forth rewards and punishments. There are those that strive with God's people, that seek their ruin. Let not God's people render evil for evil, but wait God's time. It is the worm Jacob; so little, so weak, so despised and trampled on by every body. God's people are as worms, in humble thoughts of themselves, and in their enemies' haughty thoughts of them; worms, but not vipers, not of the serpent's seed. Every part of God's word is calculated to humble man's pride, and to make him appear little in his own eyes. The Lord will help them, for he is their Redeemer. The Lord will make Jacob to become a threshing instrument. God will make him fit for use, new, and having sharp spikes. This has fulfilment in the triumphs of the gospel of Christ, and of all faithful followers of Christ, over the power of darkness. God has provided comforts to supply all their wants, and to answer all their prayers. Our way to heaven lies through the wilderness of this world. The soul of man is in want, and seeks for satisfaction; but becomes weary of seeking that in the world, which is not to be had in it. Yet they shall have a constant supply, where one would least expect it. I will open rivers of grace, rivers of living water, which Christ spake of the Spirit, John 7:38,39. When God sets up his church in the Gentile wilderness, there shall be a great change, as if thorns and briers were turned into cedars, and fir-trees, and myrtles. These blessings are kept for the poor in spirit, who long for Divine enlightening, pardon, and holiness. And God will render their barren souls fruitful in the grace of his Spirit, that all who behold may consider it.

Q&A

Q1)Friend: what makes you happy?
Me: I don't know.

Q2)What are your strengths?
Me: I don't know.

Q3)What are your weaknesses?
I went on to give a lengthy answer to this question.

It's the wee hours of the morning on a weekend and it just started pouring. I'm back here in front of the computer trying to make sense of and document whatever coherent thoughts I have because I can't sleep. For reasons yet unknown, the familiar stab in my heart is back. The one that accompanies memories when they resurrect unannounced. The one that makes me relive it like it is happening all.over.again. Like I'm still trapped in a time capsule. Like I'm still that 2nd rate girl.

The pain is palpable and not a mere emotional tug on the figurative heartstrings. I could go on and on dissecting it and trying to decipher the anatomy of the pain but I'd rather not. For now, I'd just like to go straight to the root cause and exterminate it. I've done it many times over but for some reason, it erupts repeatedly like a stubborn wound that refuses to heal. I know I cannot rush healing so I have cut myself some slack in that area but it is sheer torture to repeat and repeat that. It is a tedious process of confronting myself, my identity, my inner vows that I have made as a retaliation to circumstances. It's a confrontation of regrets that I didn't handle things right the first time and now live with consequences. Most of all, it is a process of forgiveness. To forgive those who did me wrong and...forgive myself.

God of the broken

Thank you for being the God of my broken dreams.

I still grieve and at times the pain so overwhelms I feel like plunging headlong into the abyss of despair.  I remember the time I was curled up in bed, spilling tears like the Niagara falls consumed by pure, raw pain. And here I am, still standing even though back then, I never thought I'd make it through. The credit belongs to you.

So now, here am I again, at the foot of the cross. Take away the pain. Take me, heal me, graft me back into the tree of life. Let me blossom with your dreams and desires for me and let your grace abound in me so that I will always be sufficient in all the good works that You want to do through me. Help me get past myself, dethrone me from the throne I erected in Your name, stealing Your glory in broad daylight. Help me make sense of this confusion. Give me your wisdom so that I know how to, when to and who to say what to. Give me strength if I need to let go. Don't let me be so humanly nice that my kindness is tainted with hypocrisy and foolishness, bringing no one nearer to the truth and letting them think wrongly that I am, indeed better than I really am. Don't allow me to be so brutally unkind, sharp with my words, quick to pass judgment such that I smear your reputation and drag your name through the slush of shame. Don't let me be me. Let You be You through me.

::首播::Mayday五月天【我不願讓你一個人】MV官方完整-末日版

Ephesians 1:18-19

I pray that the eyes of my heart may be enlightened, so that I may know the hope of His calling, what are the surpassing riches of the glory of the inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.

Rediscovery

15 years since I gave my life to Jesus only to realize there is still a firm deep seated throne of self within me.

Today I was knocked out by drugs thanks to a cold but it suddenly hit me that I don't know Jesus at all.

He is not just the righteous judge waiting around to catch me make a boo boo. He is all gentle yet strong. He decimates his enemies with unconventional methods such as dying a cruel death on the cross to disarm them of all power and render them completely impotent.

Most of all he loves me in a way that I never will know why and how. Because I'm just me and he is God.

There's litle much else to say except that I want to rediscover the lover of my soul again and love him with every bit that I have in me.

Detox my soul

Am surrounded by the world and its corrupt values that try so very often to permeate into my soul too.

I am praying that their values will not corrupt the incorruptible seed deposited and that I will have enough strength in me to reject and refuse these values.

I am adamant that people and relationships should be not measured by dollars and cents. It devalues the true worth of a person because their value is infinite and immeasurable. The worth of a single person is the Son of the most high God as it cost Him his life.

In other news, the storms of a looming retrenchment is taking shape. While it doesn't exactly fulfil the usual criteria of ''good news'', I am actually exhilarated by the thought of it and pray I won't be the last few on the list to go. I want to go with a nice compensation, when the shit hasn't hit the fan and before everyone else so I don't have to clear the mess they leave behind. It is highly likely that the regional office in SG will not survive the onslaught of reality and will move somewhere to China or HK to better service the markets there.

So in spite of the irony that there is more work coming up prior to any major shift whereby we will all be dropped off with well wishes and a goodbye, I am not going to allow myself to be stressed by work and guard my heart fervently against anxiety and stress, both age old nemesis that I have yet to have full victory over. To put things in perspective, no matter how much I stress and how long I work, there will be no appraisal because here will be no company and there will be no job and no promotion. I will continue to do my best, learn and refuse to let the job or myself kill myself over a job.

Lost sheep.

The shit finally hit the fan today.

Without going into too much detail, the work situation is just plain dismal. I am tempted to ingest the suggestions that this is a personal defeat and let despair set in but I'm strangely and supernaturally at peace now, undoubtedly held up by prayers of my faithful saints.

The worse case situation is that I lose the job. But really, "bad" and "worse" are all relative terms. I will not go hungry even with less to spend. My self-esteem might take a huge hit but I need to be mindful to not let it determine my self-worth. In the past few months, I have devoted too much mental resources in battling the toxic human relationships that today, I realized for the first time that even my strengths have been diluted to a lacklustre solution that I would have cried foul at. Most of the time after some conflict, because of my conflict averse nature, I find myself having great difficulty focusing at tasks at hand. I would need time to recover from the mental assault and try to stabilize my emotions in the midst of a racing heartbeat, choking feeling in my throat, chest tightness and giddy spells. Lately, these have escalated to headaches so bad my face hurts during headache episodes. Needless to say, my appetite and sleep has been adversely affected. I dreaded going to work everyday and not being able to do my work in peace with animosity shrouding the office.

I refused to be a quitter for a few reasons:

1) I wasn't sure if it was just me. Human relations have never been my strongest suit and I wanted victory in this area. I thought maybe someday I would be impervious and still supernaturally churned out stellar results despite having no team, no colleagues and plenty of daggers flying in my direction.

2)I hoped against hope that things would get better and people would just...change. Besides, 6 months wasn't a lifetime and too early to pass a verdict.

3)I didn't want to be labelled as a weakling. I abhorred that label and didn't want to appear spoilt and weak. I didn't realize that letting go required more courage and faith than hanging on.

4)We got too comfortable with the money. I wasn't ready to forego all that. Because of my rather international portfolio, they have generously remunerated me and despite being away from home from time to time, they have placed zero limits on my phone bill so I can keep in touch with family and placed me in very decent hotels and fly with very decent airlines and I so appreciate their generosity.

5)My notice period is a grand total of 3 months. It is unlikely that a prospective employer would wait so long for me which meant that I had to go without a job. There would be a loss of income. Also, I had planned and hoped that this job would be the job that would carry me through till I have my first child, which I hoped would be in about 2 years. I didn't want to start a new career and then head off to pop a baby too soon after.

Now, I'm taking the holidays to re-think if this is really worth it. 

1)I have learnt a tremendous amount in this job and it has definitely upped my market-value especially with the international exposure. However, I have paid for it with long hours (2 weeks a month) , racked up a huge sleep debt and replaced my emotional well-being under the radar of ''uh oh''. While I do not mind the long hours as my health has generally improved after a whole year of better eating, sleeping and expensive supplements, I wonder if it is worth setting the clock back by selling them all to this job. I love the work itself but the people are pure toxic. At this rate, while I work towards planning for a family, my body might actually be set in reverse and not be ready for a baby. This way, I'm not being fair to both Isaac and my future baby (if any) because the baby would be subjected to my stress both physically and emotionally.

2)My portfolio seems to be ever-expanding while I grapple and struggle with the tasks in my EXISTING and ORIGINAL portfolio. No further remuneration offered as the company is financially in dire straits.

3)What will I do without a job? I'm plain lost. So might as well stay neck-deep in shit while I wait for directions to be spelled out in the sky for me.

3 years on

He's still sound asleep beside me,concussed from a hectic weekend.

He still wraps himself up like a springroll such that I have to forcefully tug to be covered.

I still love him.

So this is Christmas

God truly does put the solitary in  families.

Just returned from Christmas dinner with my cousins, (favorite) aunty and uncle. Words fail to express now how I feel. Am overwhelmed by the love and the whole experience of just being there. We didn't do anything spectacular. We ate, played monopoly deal and unwrapped our presents. We just got together as family.

Somewhere during the evening, I felt myself so overwhelmed by the goodness that I had to excuse myself to go to the toilet to shed some tears.

Thanks to my uncle and aunty, I have presents to unwrap, I see a model of Christian marriage and most importantly, I feel like I belong and I feel there's hope.

My childhood memories has been peppered with angst and hostility. When I got older, my relationship with my parents only deteriorated. While things are much better now, I felt like no one in my family ever caught the spirit of Christmas. They barely understood what being a family was about. Christmas often became something I dreaded because it was a sum of the year's disappointments. The disappointments oveshadowed the joy of God sending His son to earth for us, sinners. For many years, I was the only one getting and wrapping presents for every single member hoping, albeit in vain to infuse some Christmas cheer. Somewhere along that string of futile attempts, I gave up. No more cards and carefully selected presents, wrapped up the best I can. These gestures were often unappreciated and taken for granted. As their child, I was done trying to be the pillar of the family and glue. I was also done with disappointments.

Even though my brother and I had breathing living parents, my uncle and aunty were the ones who made us felt like we weren't orphans. They really cared and it really mattered to them that we showed up. Despite not feeling well and Isaac suggested I forego the christmas gathering, I insisted on showing up because I knew my attendance at that table is significant enough. My absence would disappoint and I was determined not to disappoint the people who were so instrumental in filling voids in my heart that my parents had left throughout the last 28 years.

Merry Christmas my lovelies ;)

:(

Work is so stressful I'm hiding in the toilet now.

I don't remember signing up for survivor to outwit outlast etc so what on earth am I doing?

A deferred hope

For some reason, I deviated hastily from the path I was meant to embark on.

Too many years ago, despite my less than stellar results, I managed to quality for psychology in Uni, both in Australia and Singapore. I started out wanting to do that because I just felt so much for people who don't have the capacity to help themselves. Somewhere, their spirit has died within them and really, there is no doctor in the world who can revive anything dead except a psychiatrist. Spiritual things aside, a medical physician can heal a wounded body but no one really can heal a dead spirit. Even the bible says so. If the spirit stays dead within an individual, physical death follows. Therefore, a depressed person is completely reliant on someone else to revive his/her spirit, the same way dead Lazarus was completely reliant on Jesus to raise him from the dead. The community is then able to come in to support and usher him back into the ways and habits of life. Likewise, Jesus got the community to roll away the stone for Lazarus.

Well, I terminated my studies back then because of various reasons, all of which are minute on hindsight are trivial and something I deeply regret. I never stopped reading/studying on this topic. And to this day,the Lord himself never stopped bringing the lost and broken to me. With each new hurting soul, I learn a lot more about myself, depression,the pressures of the world and the goodness of God.

In their heavily depressive states, many are unable to hear the word of God, no matter how good the news it brings. I have learnt that you must communicate it to their spirit in other ways and take charge. Never ask a depressed soul what it prefers because the power of attorney has already been muted. Not the time to play ''humble'' for sure. While I do not advocate being forceful, I try to gently tell them what to do instead. Have learnt that this is much appreciated because they feel so much more pressure when they cannot make simple decisions that they are supposed to make, like choosing what to eat for lunch. When words fail to reach the deep embers of my spirit, it takes every bit of the Holy Spirit to direct me to do things that will get to them. Sometimes, the pits where their soul reside are so dark I cannot navigate apart from the light of God. I've been there myself , trapped and alone with no way to get out so I can empathize with how scary that must feel and it gives me patience to ride out the tenacious long journey with them.

I know I don't need a degree in psychology but I wish this could be my full-time job instead. The degree will give me more legitimacy and allow me to concentrate. At the moment, resources are just so thin.

Lead me now, lead me again. How?

When the stars are aligned

Christmas feasting this year coincides with pms' eat-up-the-world mode. So yay I say.

What usually follows is food coma and indigestion which leads to strange dreams even when I'm asleep. When I wake up, I swear I'll never repeat the feat again but like a druggie, I almost always return to stuff myself silly.

Since when

So I literally bawled during the latest episode of my favouritest FBI show-Criminal minds.

Bawled my eyes out.

The clear themes of the show was about ''letting go''. It has often been ingrained in me that quitting or letting go is synonymous with being a loser or being weak. Not many will ever know that letting go takes a painful lot of courage. Letting go prematurely is not ok though. Unfortunately, it takes so much wisdom to know the difference and too often, so many get it wrong.

When do you give up a fight? When do you know the fight is not worth it anymore when once you were so convicted in the crusade. To let go is almost tantamount to admitting that perhaps you were wrong in the beginning, perhaps there are other things worth pursuing. Perhaps perhaps. And if the choice is to perservere, what do I really want to prove? That I can outlast outwit outsmart? Not everything in life is Survivor. Yes, it is a wild jungle of beasts out there but occasionally, life is kind enough to hand us a respite and we can afford to rest and recuperate from the tenacious terrain.

I just pray I know the difference.

free

I haven't felt so free in such a long time. Despite nursing a migraine, I feel great in my spirit.

Today, I laughed and worked (very little) and even though I returned home exhausted, I felt joy inexpressible. Someone must be praying for me.

During my toughest week, the Lord sent an angel to deliver specific bible verses to us even though she was in holiday in Beijing. She only saw the verse references in her spirit and had no clue what they were. To cut the long story short, it spoke exactly to us. In volumes with just a few verses. One verse only consisted of names and when Isaac looked up the meaning of the names, it formed a beautiful sentence, our message from heaven.

I am amazed and in wonder. How God knows the tiniest woe in my heart and cares. I still marvel even after 15 years as His child. May I continue to marvel everyday.

I had one of the worst pieces of news yesterday and when I relied on my own understanding, my spirit crumbled within me. In my own words, I just thought there is no way I can see it through. I was awashed anew with despair and fear. Yet, today, miraculously God gave me a peace and joy in my heart so deep. I still don't know what the outcome is but I am assured of plenty of grace and a victory at the end no matter how treacherous and difficult the journey might be. The example of two also encourages me. Jesus and my dear friend, Mei ling.

Making peace with myself and releasing the debt I owe to the past alleviated the weight on my soul too. Now I can rejoice even though it's december. Even though it's the last month of the year. I have hope and a joyful expectancy of the new year. I can let go of regrets though they happen. I cannot deny them, they are real. But I can surrender them and start afresh because of the God of second chances. And I can learn everyday how to depend on Him to see me through, though I fail many many times, He never gives up.

Thank you.

How I look like when I'm watching tv

Ok, didn't realize I can be such a clown and so focused.

On to wholeness

Hanging out with Beth and Mel today helped me to string my thoughts coherently again. It's only today that I saw that God has indeed brought me through so so much and healed me from so many wounds. Layer by layer, nothing left to fester. Maybe in time there'll be more but I marvel at his tender loving kindness and miracle healing power. And I stand assured that come what may, He will always love me and see me through.

Still a long journey ahead but I marvel at the many instances I have overcome myself by extending mercy and grace to those who have hurt me. I think I came a long way. From vindictive fury and hurt that fuels a desire to hurt further, I am finally at peace and can forgive and help even as I hurt, inconvenience myself etc. I think I almost felt Jesus smile when I do so because I finally am catching a glimpse of what it means to share in his cross.

Have your way and continue to teach me.

笑着哭最痛

Decembered dismembered my soul

Feeling less than stellar and with less than 3 weeks to the end of 2011, I am starting to feel pangs of panic arise within me threatening to erupt my well-being and blow it into pieces.

Retrospective and introspective, I am inundated with an avalanche of memories that incapacitate me. Remembering happier days, I feel older but not wiser, jaded and fatigued. Looking through some old photos also made me realize that the years have not been kind. The laugh lines around mouth seem to be getting more pronounced, yet they spell nothing but weariness and tiredness brought about more by my endless yawns than laughter. Then there's the age spots and the droopiness....the list is endless if I want to prac-crit what age has autographed on me.

How did a decade whiz by so quickly? How did I morph from a free-spirited giggly lass to what I am today? What of the girl that was remains today or has time buried her in the dusty pages of history too? Hanging out with friends from yesteryear did little to help me reclaim her back. They cannot recognize her in me anymore and wonder aloud where she has gone to. I realized this when I yelped with joy at the sight of a favourite yoghurt joint and same friend of 11+ years when...''that almost reminded me of...you''.

So who am I now and what does this spell for me for the next xx years that I'm meant to live?

December and the blues it brings

Two of my friends just got dumped by their exes.

I cannot imagine how hard it is to be dumped and much more so in december. Both were in really long term stable relationships before the other party decided they had enough and wanted out. They were also brutal in their cutting and I almost wondered if there was any love at all in the first place. How can love possibly grow from so fiery hot to icy cold in such a short span of time?

Unlike physical death, there's nothing to bury when a relationship dies. A part of your heart dies along with it and while the rest remains in smithereens scattered all over hard ground, threatening even an innocent part like your feet as you try to navigate your way out of the cesspool of pain. To top it all off, being dumped in December sucks to the core. There's the festivities and the cheer and no one will even look twice at you bleeding away.

The relationship just evaporates, with no evidence that it was ever there. As you watch the other party who left you in the dust move in with the speed of  lightning to new pastures, the sting of abandonment cuts deeper. Then there's the barrage of questions, doubts and regret. Then with the christmas carols going on at full blast just about everywhere, you wonder and wonder if anyone ever noticed you're dying inside.

I think this is my ministry. To notice the hurting and be their friend when the world chooses to not acknowledge their pain or just heartlessly move on with the spirit of cheer.

I'm privileged to be on-call when the crisis happened. And I remember how the fresh stings hurt like it was just yesterday. I remember being dumped and then dumping. So yes, I'll be there to baby sit you and you. Until you embark on new exploits and leave me behind in the dust again.

Bleeding

It feels like I'm hemorrhaging. There's an unspeakable stuffiness in my chest and a palpable pain.

Yet I can't say what or what's causing it.

I'm just tired and it seems like all cries of deliverance got stuck at the roof.

Screaming inside but can't be heard. I thirst for freedom away from this suffocating constraints.

This pain has cordoned my spirit and I can't think straight beyond it. If only I had space to let the condensation of my toxic pain out freely through the tear ducts.

I have been both safe and tethered on the precarious tight rope. Either way, it was a sojourn into an unknown destination. Now, I just want to be still and pour myself out freely. Or let myself bleed dry.

Florence and The Machine - Never let me go Lyrics On Screen (Ceremonia...

breakaway

Am setting a new quota. For regret. 

Never a firm believer of regrets but no matter how I try to veer from it, because it almost always descends into a whirlpool of self-pity, I can't.

So, instead, I'd re-adjust my damage-control settings and set it to maybe one a week. Over the course of however long it takes, I'll lower my dosage and wean myself off it.

I don't know how long it'll take to heal the fresh lacerations on my soul. Some days I yearn so much for someone to hear me out, my story..for a cathartic release. There are two impediments to it though. First, I have no such person I have access to who will listen, not judge and bring my secret to the grave. Secondly, I will not have the words to articulate the layers of events and emotions embedded so deep within me.

The clouds of grief have finally gotten so heavy and rained afresh on my soul.

But I'll dry myself, re-orientate myself and get going. I've done this before and I'll do it again. It doesn't get easier with practice but with experience, I navigate better in the darkness. 

Can't wait for the day I don't have to repeat this vicious cycle.

Warped

You know things have are ugly when you look forward to your wisdom tooth operation more than work.

Pathetic goals

My life is so devoid of excitement this actually gives me a slight thrill.

To block one person from fb everyday.

I am so private upon adding me on Facebook, there is hardly anything one can access.

Then I'm completely unable to search for on Facebook. I took this blog off a d made it unsearchable.

At some point, I'll be unsearchable too.

Forgot what I started fighting for

That and whether it was all worth it.

Put up a lot of battles and tasted both victory and defeat. It usually is precipitated by stubbornness, being sorely indignant and zeal.

And it has worn me very thin over the years and forfeited a lot of happiness. Not that I should forego all battles but choose them wisely.

For now, I need a respite from the madness and dangle a nice fat carrot infront of me to charge the dismal levels of life within me.

bliss

Today, one of my best friends in the whole wide world got married to a fantastic guy that I can't help but agree wholeheartedly was made for her.

I attend a lot of weddings every year and this was one of the few I shed a tear for. God was there and I know He has seen them through so much. I just am so welled up with happiness and excitement for her.

It's been awhile since I've been so peacefully happy. I had another two of my best friends in my living room crashing after the wedding zonked out on my tiny sofa bed, my husband playing with his nerf guns and although I was flat out exhausted, I just feel so blessed.

These people have walked with me for over more than a decade and have accepted and loved me for who I am. I cannot think of many others who can accept me wholeheartedly. I never feel more free than when I'm with them.

Suddenly, my work woes diminish. Although I know that a long and possibly hard week awaits me on Monday, I feel blessed and even strengthened. Even though my animousity abounds in the workplace, I can come home to a husband who adores me and I know my friends are there for me even when I don't see them.

Was telling Joanne earlier that even if my boss thinks I'm a complete imbescile, I am happy simply because I have so much. I am a wealthy person.

I feel free. Most of all, I have Jesus. I will not allow a job to steal my joy. I'll give it my best shot but it should not have to kill me and make me believe the lie that my life sucks because really, God has given me what man cannot take away and really, suddenly I feel so so sorry for my colleagues.

Love my caliwali so much and I'm so looking forward to supermarketing sessions and kopitiam meals with her and Ed when they begin their new life together IN MY NEIGHBOURHOOD.

Clash of the titans

Very very bad.

This is bringing out the worst in me and some old claws are resurfacing.

I honestly think I have found the laziest people in the world.

Jonah V.2

I think the Lord is telling me that I'm exactly where He wants me to be.

Been struggling with frustration and doubt and as I wrestle, I constantly get a sense that I'm right where I should be. To top it all off, today's devotional was talking about exactly that.

Maybe because I feel absolutely lonely at the workplace. This would sound almost preposterous considering the fact that I pretty much worked the last three years alone. All functions from marketing to packing goods were pretty much consolidated in one person, me. Now that I work as part of a team, I find it almost impossible to reconcile different styles, work ethics, personalities etc. I'm also not as good in my job function as I would like to be. My boss has been more than generous but that one mistake I made last week (partly induced by inertia) seems to relentlessly haunt me. As my worst critic, I refused to let it go and berated myself relentlessly. The long hours brought about by buying week and my colleagues' less than stellar warmth worsened how I felt. I have no idea why I'm so hard on myself when I've been pretty much let off the hook easily and it wasn't that big a mistake to begin with. Something is so badly wired within my psyche and it leaves so little room for error and simply being human. There are so many layers within me that still need healing. A ''Martha'' needs to be exorcised, an impossible standard that leaves no room to err must be revised and I just need to allow myself to be human, to be me. Deep down, maybe I still think that there is no excuse for my existence unless I touch the sky.

Needless to say, I really dread work at times (like the rest of you) and some days are just harder to trudge through as I burn out the wick of my minute strength. So when my colleague invited herself to church with me this weekend, I nearly did a double flip on the inside. Church and my homegroup was pretty much the last bastion of my sanity and my refuge and sanctuary from the week's madness. New to SG, she thought church might be a good place to start making friends. Most normal christians (myself included on a good day) would have jumped at the opportunity, motives not withstanding to invite any soul to hear the word of the Lord. Instead, I merely cringed and it took every iota of strength within me to oblige to bring her to church this week. I just could not bear the thought of not being able to vomit my woes from a work week freely in homegroup to my friends, having to be reminded of work even on the weekends and to put it simply, she isn't my favorite person in the world. I had trouble seeing her for 5 days a week. The thought of seeing her for 7 days a week and later on, a whole eternity made me balk.

In the shower just minutes ago, I was so ashamed of my own selfishness. I was so concerned about safeguarding my interests that I was willing to put a soul at stake. I clearly did not understand what hell is really like, what Jesus really came to die for and how huge a price He paid. I clearly didn't understand how great a wrath I've been delivered from and how great my salvation really is. Chastised, I am now asking God to sort this out within me because I still quake at that thought.

When I dreamt about building the church of God up in HK, a city God has put so close to my heart, I did not imagine that it would come in this form and shape. If I cannot even choose to love this one person inspite and despite, He certainly cannot entrust me with more. Moving there and participating in whatever church activity would be completely empty and meaningless if I cannot love the unlovable.

So this is my challenge and my test.

Somehow, I think I know that He will give me the grace to crucify me and let His purposes reign as long as I stay submitted and abide in Him.

Enslaved

A bondservant of christ.

Worked through to 1130. I was so tired this morning I got off at the wrong station and wondered where I was, who I was and what I'm supposed to do.

Productivity dipped to minus 20% at 9 pm. By 11, I could see excel sheets even when I was staring at the cold hard white ceramic tiles. Mind was as blank as it too.

And the best part, I'm still not done.

Whence does my help come from?

From you Lord.

As you have undoubtedly out me in this vessel, I'm going to trust you to take me all the way to your appointed shore inspite of the troubled waters and the howling winds that seem to propel us towards the fog of uncertainty.

Salt

According to my husband, if he's a French fry, I'm the salt.

How typical of him to allude even us to food.

Cold

I was in 2 minds this morning about wearing boots to work.

If I was in somewhere other than Sg, it would have been perfectly comprehensible. The weather does call for it but what if the sun comes out later? Then I'll look like a fish out of water.

Now, I'm just shivering in my seat trying to milk every bit of warmth from the teacup.

Such is the weather of November. To warn us that the year is getting old. To remind us that yet another year will soon be gone down the chutes of history. To announce the impending arrival of a fresh new slate. A clean page for new plans and dreams.

Psyched up for work

The only reason why I'm remotely psyched to return to work tomorrow is that I'm really really really craving chicken rice.

Upheaval

That's how the last few days felt like.

Some days the events, circumstances and all just overwhelm and my emotions get crushed under the sheer weight of stress and I lose my marbles.

Some days I wonder if I'm just plain inept. As I ponder, it seems to point more clearly so in that trajectory and then it weighs me down further. Looking within me, it just looks all too dismal. I just don't have it in me to be better and my dark moods that settle in like the cumulonimbus clouds of late don't help either.

This wasn't how I imagined life to be at 28. Have buried so many of my dreams, aspirations and hopes in the last decade and the toil of disappointment (with people, myself included) has taken its toll. I don't even like the me I am now. I was different. I was going to be different. Now , I'm plain ordinary and weak.

I want to take some time off and travel again. To recollect me and find the missing pieces while watching the world go by.

But I don't know how to even get started on that.

iAmsterdam

yes. here. AGAIN. 3rd time in 2 months?

The receptionist at the hotel is almost startled to see me. I can find my way to the supermarket in the dark and I'm all too familiar with Schipol airport.

Am glad this is the last work trip of 2011! Gosh, how fast the year flew and what a year!

It's been a year dichotomised by very high highs and valley lows. I am thankful that through it all He walked with me and I think that is the most anyone can really ask for. Such sweet comfort and delight. What a huge deal it is too to have the king of kings walk alongside the dinginess and darkness of depression when I had nary a clue whether I would ever reach the peak to see the promised land that He has ordained for me.

Although I'm not entirely there and somedays are still treacherous terrain with little strength within, I am more confident today than I was a year ago. Not of myself but of His faithfulness and love to carry me through it all.

Had a wonderful time resting in the hotel, chatting with friends and husband while waiting for colleague to arrive. I previously entertained thoughts of museum visiting since I had the hours to spare. Previously, coming to Europe was such a big deal I squeezed in every available second with sightseeing. Now, I'm just thankful to get some alone time and rest in a comfortable bed. Besides, I've also visited the museums before (except Van Gogh) but the last I checked, it is not like they added anything to Anne Frank's house since world war 2 ended.

I would love to walk along the canals too but it costs me 25 euros to get there and it's just too cold. After the series of flashfloods in SG, I didn't feel like braving another storm lest I get caught in one here. Amsterdam is afterall rainy and dreary and God forbid it floods/storms here.

Tomorrow will be a packed day for meetings including my first townhall meeting! I have a major zit outbreak so I look even more like I'm 13 but I can't wait to get it over and done with so I can go home and be with my hubby wubby and friends!

God, give me grace and heal my zits! Help me not to get impatient and the pace here and annoyed at random people.

Fill me up with so much joy of your salvation I overflow !

Why do I feel like the whole world collapsed on me

Struggle

With doubt
With annoyance (people I see everyday)
With fear
With my carnal nature. ( I decided to unleash the inner mean girl and told someone her head is filled with nothing but air)

Let the struggles end please. Triumph over me Lord.

Help.

I immensely dislike them. Annoyed much.

How?

:(

Sunk to the bottom with Jesus

Survived the weekend of unfortunate events. Nothing big but enough to get my mood really low. I woke up at 5 am a few nights ago unable to move with sharp pains shooting down from my neck. It was so bad I couldn't even move my hands, perform simple tasks like change, turn the door knob. Thank God I didn't break anything or sprained anything. At the doctor, he diagnosed it to be a pinched nerve and seeing that I was in so much pain, he offered a jab.

Little did I know I was allergic to it. Before long, I started swelling like a puffer fish. Quickly took my steroid medication and antihisthamines. Got all the side effects of the drugs such as moodswings, bloatedness except the promise of fast healing.

Just as I was grappling with disbelief, I feel the lord whisper gently into my heart that he loves me just the way I am. Despite the physical suffering, that brought an indescribable warmth to my heart and joy to tide through the pain before the dawn of healing broke forth.

He that saw through six trials shall surely see me through seven. All the way till the end until he leads me into eternal rest.

Praise the lord. I woke up this morning before the crack of dawn with a song in my heart and no pain/discomfort. I'm not sure of the swell has subsided but I'm convicted by a glorious love nothing can deny.


L to R: various stages of normalcy to swelling.

pooped.

I don't seem to have energy and time for all that is demanded of me. Various obligations of varying degrees of importance compete for my time and with no hint of recreation/rest in sight, I can't help but feel overwhelmed by dread at the thought of it.

On one hand, I cannot wait for time to accelerate and for 2011 to be done with. However, those who know me that I almost always seem to enter some sort of self-induced crisis mode whenever Christmas or year-end comes around. I get weepy thinking about the year before and am always drunk with the cocktail of trepidation, anticipation and excitement. Then, I'll try anxiously to book any air ticket to try to run away to rearrange and collect my thoughts until God tranquilizes me with His perspective and word.

I miss my friends. For someone who is almost always packed with social activities, I feel terribly alone. I just want to hang out and talk and laugh uproariously with my girls. I realize I only feel safe to be myself with them. 100% raw, sashimi style.

So tired of self-censorship and having to explain in the plainest simplest language what I really think, line by line. I know I'm hard to figure out, tough to accept and just plain strange. These people have the amazing gift of figuring me out without me really saying anything. 

Never alone

Every step
Every minute
Every mountain
Every valley
From the day I first invited you in
Until eternity
You walked beside me.

Indeed so faithful.

Thank you.

3 months old.

I don't know why I'm here except that I'm being incubated for something else. And where I am is part of Your grand plan and that You didn't fall off the throne everytime I messed up. (Because otherwise, we are all in trouble because of me).

I don't like it when it's said that 6 others can lose their jobs because of me. I was tempted to retort with ''we'll see''. Because I would have done my best with zero training and no help whilst they had whittled their time away. I would have learnt what not to do, what to do better and be better and sharper in acumen and expertise. I cannot say the same for the rest.

-cue William Hung angsty moment-

Don't tell me I need to smile more. I do smile. At the right time and most importantly, to the right people.

I'm already cramping my style big time to accomodate. Now when I'm penalized for scribbling furiously to record notes and thoughts for work, I feel extremely disrespected and disgruntled.

That said, I'm learning loads, albeit the hard and arduous way. I want to ace this scholarship, as unglamourous as it sounds. It is fun, when I get it right or come close to it. When I do market research and churn out analysis that sales results will testify to, I get the good kind of adrenaline rush and endorphins overload. All in all, I've got it good and I know I'm blessed.

I know I have to depend on You every step of the way. I know I am nothing without You.

I'm in a good place. Most of all, I'm in His will for my life.

I cannot see it yet but this is an incubation period for greater better things that serves His purpose. I need to be patient. With Him and with myself.

Migraine war strategy

P/s: note electric currents running through. What was bit shown in picture is my involuntarily throbbing forehead.

3 day on-off battle with migraine

Not won yet.

My small heart

I think my heart is so small I have no room to accommodate the ever burgeoning throngs of people that push at the borders.

I was just telling Isaac this morning about how I feel so liberated and free when I'm completely myself without any consideration that I'll be judged or misinterpreted. I rarely fear men's opinion hence the choice of the word "consideration" and I realized after so many years, I'm back to just the same handful of people. The same ones all along.

A rare number have been added to this core group but they are far and few between. And I realize I'm really quite incapable of missing anyone when there's absence. My heart is a nomad and it takes too much for someone to take up permanent residency there.

I miss the same few, stay fiercely loyal to the same few and run to the same few everytime I need a dose of home, tenderness and friendship.

And I think that's what keeping me here. Coz I'm spent casting my pearls before swine and communicating myself to too many.

Speechless

Today someone shared with me about a 12 year old's last hours on earth and how the lord visited her and her family.

Left me speechless.

Mourning

I do not know you Troy Davis but I mourn your death. I do not know for certain if you were innocent but the trial served to you failed many times over to prove your guilt.

I hope you found Jesus somewhere along your earthly sojourn and is now safe in Jesus arms.

I hope your family finds comfort and solace knowing that He who justifies has the final unequivocal say.

I hope that the justice system is repaired. No one is safe when the trial is this unfair and allows a jury to take away your life without substantial proof of your guilt.

I think we made murderers out of them even as they sought to nail the murderer in the name of upholding justice.

I am still in two minds about the death penalty but I'm definitely for a fair and just criminal justice system. Shoddy detective work be damned. A life could have possibly been robbed and sadly, I font think you're the last of many.

I'm outraged. But here I am, a single voice too many miles away and too minute to make a difference.

Rest in peace Mr Davies.

Sunset

Blue

Might be the hormones but I just want to cry over everything and eat up everything in sight now. Save me.

Close shave

If I wasn't swaddled in prayer and love, I would have been swaddled in a strait jacket.

Monday

Zzzz Zzz zzzzz Zzzz
Point taken.

Miss me

I have at least two "official＂appointments with God every week. Was just telling a colleague this week that I don't want to miss this appointment otherwise God will miss me and it struck me that I have a God that misses me when I have long absences from him! A sure indication I'm cherished precious and loved.

Only Christians can truly say that their God misses them for them and loves them in spite of them.

Hallelujah!

A decade

Sometimes it takes a landmark event to jolt one awake and mark the passage of time. At the risk of stating the obvious, time really does whiz by so insidiously. Unlike money which is tangible and can be earned back, time is irretrievable. Whoever said time=money was insulting time.

Ten years since that fateful day when the twin towers were struck and 3000+ lives were tragically extinguished in the span of an hour. I distinctly remember fretting over my Math paper for prelims (Sept 12th 2001) moments before I turned on the TV. Suddenly, the world came crashing down and I soon laid aside my books and was glued to the TV to witness helplessly as bodies flew out from the skies and imagining the dark grim last moments of so many others trapped inside.

Ten years later, I was still fretting, albeit over different issues. Work this week has been horrendous. Late nights and my colleague even worked till 12 am last night. She is still at work now and will be at work at 8 tomorrow. We are still far behind on schedule and I have to turn up really early to finish up. In anticipation of all these, I found myself fretting and anxious until I switched again the tv again and relived those moments. I am almost startled to find that my heart is so easily shaken and my priorities can still be so self-centred after a whole eventful decade. None the wiser, unfortunately.

Scenes, songs, emotions from 10 years ago resurfaced. My private thoughts are too lengthy to be transcribed here. The only way to surmise it all is that I am thankful I survived and He brought me through. As my friend aptly reminded me without knowledge of all these, He never once left me. Enduring faithfulness all the way.

I am learning to thank Him even for the journey, rough and dark as it might have been. And for the most part, I am thankful for who I am today. I've got a long way to go and the work is not finished but I'd much rather be who I am today then the naive girl I was. For this to happen, I had to go through all that I had to go through and I believe that there was no other way. He knew best.

New record

I did 7 hours of ironing today with 1 lunch break and numerous toilet breaks in between. All this time while my maid was ironing my clothes I was somewhere ironing 200 pcs of men's shirts.

Some recent thoughts

Been back from intense Amazing Race style Europe trip and I've been pretty much in an out of my semi-comatosed state for 2 days.

I cannot believe that just two months ago, I was in a semi-breakdown mode when I was tasked to do these crazy travelling stunts alone. Now, I just shrug it off and it doesn't stress me out half as much anymore. I still don't look forward to it and would rather do Asia (except India and Indon) anytime but it's fine.

Going around Europe made me think so much. Their growing poverty manifesting in beggars along high-street shopping belts are appalling. Train stations reek of the stench of urine. It's hard to imagine that just a century ago, they were the renaissance of culture and glory. Look how far the descent has been. It saddens me to think that now Europe is sending out distress signals when it once used to be so mighty and great, colonizing distant lands (including where I live), rich and strong.

The devil has robbed from them so so much yet I don't know when they'll wake up from their stupour. I walk along streets in the city past ''coffee shops'' and see people stoned and drunk. They wouldn't even have noticed if they were stabbed and robbed (if there was any money left in their packets) Their eyes are glazed over and lifeless. I'm sure they're still breathing but they might as well be dead. There is absolutely no difference. I wonder how long weed numbs the pain deep down or the semblance of filling up their emptiness. I feel so sorry and sad as I walked past rows and rows of young people staring at me stoned out.

Then there was their infamous red light district. While I tried to scurry past as fast as I could to get through to the main road where cabs are, I couldn't help but overhear some english speaking tourists discussing whether a certain girl is a virgin and worth the price they are paying for. I was so revulsed and seeing that they were standing at the edge of the canal, I was so tempted to push them in. On hindsight, it could be an oops thing and I could have saved a girl a night of misery.

Where is the church in all these sin and debauchery? What is God thinking and doing?

Oh Lord, clean up this mess. It is so filthy. Clean it all up and flush it all away. I pray that through these dire economic straits and desperation, people will turn to Christ and not assume they are christian just because they were either 1) baptised at birth or 2) their forefathers were Christians.

In the meantime, if there's anyone reading, I covet prayers that even while travelling and sojourning alone especially in the midst of all these, that I will be consumed by the conciousness of who I am in God and who I am to God. In short, let my conciousness of Him always be greater than that of anything else. Let Him be my all in all and my final authority.

Life 2001-2011

My diverse diciplines: psychology to history to retail. Insanity in people, insanity through time and how insanity drives the economy.

Missing: joy

I don't have enough endorphins coursing through me and it is making me so frustrated.

There seems to be sone latent pent up anger and stress and nothing excites me anymore. I don't feel like eating or doing anything yet neither can I rest and sleep in on a non work day. Where did my joy go?

I am not really up for meeting anyone yet I yearn to sit with my closest buds and laugh about something (anything). But there's not much to laugh about anymore with everyone just as stressed and tired.

Where's my joy?? Need it now.

When was the last time

I laughed so hard my stomach was in stitches and my eyes were in tears?

I felt 100% safe to be myself

I felt truly relaxed

I wasn't fretting

I didn't try to outperform myself and in the process fall clumsily flat on my face

I spoke to my grandmother

I was ok with meeting new people and didn't feel like they were intruders trying to invade my little insulated safe atmosphere

Too long ago.

Sundays with Jesus and co.

Everytime I feel an onset of a headache, I start getting nervous and irritable. It takes everything within me to suppress the uprising of pain and irritability. This gets me quite down and discouraged very often these days because it affects my functionality and I wonder when I can truly soar.

Church today was nothing short of awesome. I wished I'd heard a sermon like that earlier and it really felt like God was speaking to me through Simon. One of those moments whereby the anointing was strong and inspite of the headache, I really wanted to press on to focus my attention past the pain and discomfort to get what God wants me to hear.

Tarryn also nearly 'lost' Tyra today who was actually with us during service but lying so low on the chair her mom missed her. That sent Tarryn into some kind of nervous frenzy and after 15 minutes of searching, she was nearly in tears. When she eventually found Tyra, the look of sheer relief in her eyes were unmistakable and she hugged and kissed her. Upon seeing that, I almost felt God speak to me about how He felt when I came back to Him after His relentless pursuit and search. I caught a glimpse of my value in His eyes and felt hot tears streaming down my powdered cheeks, streaking them. This was a direct answer to my prayers the night before because I was just imploring for Him to show me His love that casts out all fear. I knew I needed to see my value and know that He is not negligent nor ignorant of what I'm facing, however trivial they might seem to be. At that revelation, I felt peace flood through my heart and that gave me enough grace to tide through the rest of the day despite the physical ailments (which I am still praying to be rid off). I also finally understood why He said that He won't allow anyone to ''pluck them (us) out of His hands'' and what He meant by ''the joy set before Him'' when He endured the cross. He would rather endure the agony and pain, most heartbreaking of which is our adamant persistent denial of Him than to lose the chance to be separated from us forever. Even the cross was considered joy because it provided the promise of many being reconciled back to Him. At that, it was like returning to Christianity 1101, precious truths so simple and fundamental to the Christian faith but utterly diluted by lesser things and pushed back to the backbench of Christian teaching simply because we decided to pursue loftier intellectual theologies that really, no one quite understands.

Lunch today with the homegroup took on a sombre tone. Noticed that many weren't their usual selves and were somewhat quiet and the heavy burdens they were carrying were evidently taking a toll on them. I felt sad and helpless as I wasn't in the best shape myself while trying to nurse the headache. What really is happening to everyone? Everyone seems to be saddled with one affliction or the other. In comparison, my life seems almost like a fairy tale and I felt troubled for my friends. I am praying that God works out His deep character in all of us amidst the trials and tribulations and help us to see His heart and purpose in the midst of confusion and fear. I pray that we only grow closer to Him as a result and that we will not break under the pressure. The tide against the church is really ferocious and we are only weak little lambs but thanks be to God, we have a strong and mighty Saviour in Him that we can rely on and take refuge in. That I greatly delight and rejoice.

kgjasldsggahino

When I'm approaching the end of a book I enjoy, I feel a mini sense of panic and loss.

1) I'm getting really attached to the characters. (sometimes I feel like I know them personally.)

2)Now I have to go hunting for another book to bury myself in.

3)I'm weird this way.

I flip open the newspapers to find myself inundated with bad bad and worser news. The prognosis for the cancer of the financial markets are not good at all and it is spreading like wildfire. America down, Europe down...what next for Asia? I think about the jobs that are axed and lives that are affected. Look at London, the moral malaise and here we are encapsulated in SG pretending all is still dandy. It can be us. Anytime. And I wonder what this spells next.

Realized I don't really like me that much. And it's really hard because I cannot not live without me. I appreciate the person that I was before more, albeit somewhat occasionally fatuous and impetuous, clumsy and plain uncool. Although my convictions were not always right, I respect the fact that I stood unwavering by them. I was bolder and so much excited me. These days, I'm placid, calmer but really still a wuss. Nothing excites me I'm as alive as a dead fish.

I'm still stricken with stomach problems but it has since abated somewhat. I still look 3 months pregnant , thanks to the colic and hyperacidity but generally the worst is over and I'm thankful to have survived stomach hell by God's grace and mercy. A few days ago, I even threw a tennis ball at my tummy only to have the ball bounce off in a beautiful trajectory. I never even had such a good hit in my little time playing real tennis. This is something alternative I can consider.

Sometimes I feel my life is such a comedy. Except I'm the only one not laughing.

The I-just-want-to-burst-into-tears post

I can't decide which of this I hate more: the incessant throbbing headache, the stomach ailments or just about everything.

The sum of all the above has resulted in a drastic emotional blow for me. I just want to sit where no one is and weep like it's the end of the world even though I know I just have to wait it out, it'll pass, be patient etc. I do not suffer with class at all and yes, shame on me.

Having had to literally rest, I've been bored out of my mind and yet stressed that I won't have enough physical strength to do all that is required of me. So first things first, clear my social calendar. Many well-meaning people have all chosen the months of july and august to meet up and I've happily obliged not realizing what a strain it is to my physical rest reserves. In fact, there are no reserves left and at that, I want to sit somewhere in a corner and wail again.

I just want to be with my husband now. Maybe a few of my best girlies too. I can't even eat coz my stomach is on it's anti-food rampage. I just want to be loved and be manja and grossly spoilt. I cannot be so super gung-ho and take on the world and suffer with class. (ie. in good nature and without complaining).

I feel alone and scared under the siege of this crazy bug. Then I think about all the times I'm a lousy friend to an innumerable mass of people and then I want to cry again. I look at photos of old and recount the shared memories and wonder if people still remember me. And if so, then for what? If it's for something too stupid, then please get amnesia and forget me. I can be alone!

I ramble on and on but this is really a tiny reflection of what is going on within me-turmoil. A 12 hour migraine does mess up your brain quite a bit and suddenly being able to type on a keyboard and not on some lousy touch-screen iphone is so much a relief I feel like..yes you guessed it, bursting into tears.

It's cathartic to type out all that I feel, messy and incoherent as they may be on a keyboard. POUND POUND POUND furiously. AHH...Therapeautic.

I really want to go away now. Go home. Go somewhere familiar.

Go to hong kong and tell some popo lying out on the streets tonight that I love them. Most importantly, that Jesus loves them.

Singapore turns 46.

Tomorrow is isaac's scope and I can't help but feel a tad nervous.

Suddenly overwhelmed by "what if" thoughts of him dying etc and it terrifies me to no end.

I had a headache marathon that lasted for like 8 hours and running.was thoroughly exhausted and nauseous from it. I think people call this a full blown migraine.

Miserable and missing my husband despite him being just outside in the living room. Just want to hold him forever and never let him go, despite his annoying habits that drove me up the wall at times.

I love Isaac quek. Please be ok.

Agony

Stomach is rioting against me again.

I've had my first full meal in days and my stomach is obviously displeased with it and spewing acid in its vain attempt to annihilate and obliterate all trace of foreign substance (read: food) I've had so much acid reflux the linings of my throat and mouth are all tinged with acid it burns. A little while ago, when there was another surge of acid, I thought I felt it rushed through to my back and caused a burning sensation on my back. Need to verify that with my doctor to see if it's possible of it is psychosomatic.

Now, at 2.16 am, I'm awake with hiccups. This would be fine except that with every hiccup, my stomach churns with pain because of the acid that is running amok trying to colonize my innards and stake their claim. Every slight movement I make is marked with pain I told Isaac it feels like I had a caesarean and the anaesthesia just wore off.

What I forgot

I forgot the power and magic of music. I've been living in a dull self-induced silence and it has turned my world grey. Listening to late night radio( albeit cheesy) has brought me back to times and places long forgotten. I feel like I have a soul again. Clay Aiken, I'm sad you're gay but you Are still the best American Idol to me.

I forgot what it feels like to be on a swing. In the past, all I had to do was finish my homework and I could head for the swing but now, I can't even accord the same yo my future kids. Swings have gone extinct in Singapore and along with it, so much joy and innocence.

Miserable

Been feverish for 3 days now and the temperature officially hovers around 38.5 degrees. My stomach also doesn't agree with the fever meds so I'm plain miserable. Doctor says if fever doesn't go down by day 4 ( tomorrow) I have to get tested for dengue.

I cant complain and am just relieved this didn't occur during one of my work trips.

My fever has also induced certain nightmares that includes fast driving, panic, heart palpitations and heavy perspiration. I am almost scared to fall asleep but this state of being keeps me "comatosed" for like 16 hours a day.

On another note, my heart is off wandering again as we contemplate holiday options. I'm under strict orders to save money from the husband. All is good except that he seems to want me to save ALOT more. Now I'm wondering if the holiday will ever happen or will we just shelve everything or go for a cheap holiday to Hk using my frequent flyer points.

I also look at my calendar and wonder if it's possible. Schedule seems tight all the way till next June except for a huge lull in December. I wonder if that will work...but travel in December is expensive. Decisions decisions.

3 meals in 4 hours

Why do I eat like a hog?
Perhaps I'm one.
:(

I suddenly feel so alone

My head weighs a tonne and every muscle in my back is aching so bad it feels like I walked back from Europe.

I look around me and suddenly realize that people who were once so close in proximity to me are now gone and I feel so alone.

I am still fatigued and probably need another full day of sleep but I just feel so alone.

1 Peter 4: 7-10

The end of al things is at hand: therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded fo the sake of your prayers. Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a git, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.

Amen.

Amsterdam

I'm heading to korscenbroich this evening. Amsterdam was literally a whirlwind and sometimes when I travel it feels like time freezes itself as I sprint around. For example if ibleft home on the 25th of July I almost expect it to still be that date when I next return home. I'm strange that way.

It's lonely and I'm thankful gor technology and most of all, my constant companion Jesus Christ. Nothing sticks closer and though I fear, I am learning that he can be trusted and will take care of his sheep.

Happy birthday to me

I think I'm finally rid of the intense desire to want to hide under the bed and avoid my phone like plague when my birthday swings round.

This year, there is no fanfare and gatherings because there is just no one and all my closed ones are out of town.

This year, thanks to the packed schedule of July, I don't feel very excited or happy. Neither am I particularly sad or nervous about losing my precious 20s to time.

I'm feeling a tad lonely hut I think that in spite and despite, this year has been a bountiful harvest of blessings and growth with the lord.

I look forward to more and a more Jesus-filled new me in the new year.

Will come up with a thanksgiving list to recount how wonderful God has been and i am pretty sure it'll be a looong list.

Thank you Jesus for my life. Use it for your glory please.

Too sad but ''it is not the end of the world''

That's what he would say when I go semi-ballistic and pessimistic.

Joshua Gill left awhile ago and I think I haven't bawled so hard in a loong time. Ok, maybe I did when I was alone in HK but you get the drift.

I'm so not used to no musicals in the shower at 12 am.
I'm not used to the empty room.
I almost expect to hear the creaky gate open because he is sneaking home.
I almost expect us to sit in the kitchen for our ''fruit supper''.

2.5 months flew by just like that and our not-so-little baby has mounted on wings and taken off for new adventures.

It's been an adventure for us too and we will forever be grateful to be numbered amongst his 100000 (and counting) friends.

Secret ambition

To be Santa.

Been having stomach trouble for more than a week.

Time is whizzing by so quickly I sometimes forget dates. One of my oldest best friends is getting married tomorrow. That's the carrot dangled that keeps me going. I'm so excited and happy.

On anither note and apart from wedfing excitement, It seems ive been hit by Friday, pre-birthday blues. I've said this before but I can't wait for July to be over.

No title

I just need a lot of sleep.

Wake me up when July ends

Too emotionally draining for 31 days.

Dreading next week. And the week after.

Freeze time please.

Can't wait for august. Don't want to cry and feel so vulnerable. can't wait for national day.

This is why

This is why its unlikely I'll have more that a grand total of five true friends:

Not many in my life, in my deep inner circle are friends that go way back. The ones that go way back have had the prerogative of seeing me happier, less jaded and albeit gullible, untainted. They knew me before " psycho maniac" era and know that beyond those tendencies, there was another side to me that was real and existed, not mythical. Those that came after that can at most provide kindness in pittance form- benefit of the doubt.

Those that go way back knew me before my identity was fused with isaacs. Before my stubborn willful personality with the acerbic tongue was juxtaposed against my kind husband's like day and night. They have accepted me way before I tried too hard to fit into society's carefully defined mould.(and failed)

Yup. They have had the track record of accepting and loving me through my best and worst. Before my identity got subsumed in the crowd of larger personalities and my husband's. Before my presence became negligible and compromised.

Before I became a commodity and ordinary (apart from psycho depressive maniac)

These are the reasons.

Note to self: I'm not a pig

Hence, I don't have to eat like one.

Stomach is in turmoil again from gross overeating. It's like I can produce enough methane for a nuclear reaction.

Ok, too much information.

Sleep tight folks.

Grateful

I'm so grateful that I can so easily access the throne of grace. I just close my eyes and cry and I immediately have an audience with the lord most high. Yet, this didn't come easy.Jesus had to die by 39 lashes, scorching, piercings for me to have this awesome wondrous privilege. The cross had to happen. Just so I could come.

The countdown has begun and July has descended!

Meetups, start work, work trip, farewells, anniversary,wedding and birthday meals.

I think July will fly by.
It will be an emotional roller coaster.
Or I might not have much emotions because I'm too distracted by work.

I think Isaac is going to cry. Because Chris Morrison and Joshua Gill are leaving. I don't think he even shed a tear when he dumped his exes.

This is huge. August with it's fireworks will pale in comparison.

July 2011. I wish you had 60 days.

Screaming inside but can't be heard.

String of work-related, past-related nightmares. The dauting and taunting has started early for a new season. Woke up gasping for breath and terribly fatigued.

The cough didn't help too.

Was reading my brother's blog and it just sounds like he wants to do a prisonbreak. I echo that sentiment except that the prison is within me. My heart is held captive by ironbars called fear, dread and loneliness. I need encouragement from Him and hope to know that things can be different. That I don't have to feel so alone despite being married and living in a house with two boys, surrounded by hoardes of wonderful people and joining a vibrant, friendly company.

Apart from the conundrum of wanting to be alone yet wanting to be with people, sometimes I just want to run away until I'm sure that there can be possibly no one that knows me for me to walk down the streets safely without make-up. The weight of the many things in this land weigh my heart down. I want to get high on helium and just float towards the clouds, ala Mary Poppins. I want to laugh, even if no one gets my jokes and I don't want to feel disappointed when those closest have no clue. Maybe I am impossible to figure out. I knew I was complicated but that complicated?! I belong on Mars (or Venus, to be politically, theoretically correct). I think it'll really surprise me when someone does come along and actually understand my pschye and the complicated mess called me.

My best friend for the past 2.5 years seems to be the washing machine and it breaks my heart to know that we might have to upgrade it. I bawled a huge weepie in private at that thought and as ridiculous as it sounds, I don't think I might ever find that ridiculous. It's sad. An inanimate object is my best friend but I feel that it has faithfully absorbed my grief , pain and many intimate secrets over the course of my entire marriage. Had I known that I would find a friend in the washing machine over hours every week of laundry, I'd have done my own laundry before I got married.

It was also the last relic I have from an expired friendship and I fought to preserve it, to no avail. Now, like said friendship, washing machine seems to be choking up to make way for a spanking new bigger one. (less laundry time) Hopefully by the time the new one comes, I will have to spend less time doing laundry and have more friends that can decode, understand and still love me.