5th duckobell

yay! we hit the 5th year and this is the last duckobell we're celebrating whereby we have to say goodbye at the end of the eveningand head home separately.

so this year we decided to do something different (and very low budget). not fancy dinners at ritz, no fancy presents (ok, that's not new) etc. we decided to take a trip back down memory lane and relive what happened on the very first duckobell day, 5 years ago.

so after work we headed for dinner at wherewe had our first unromantic date: far eastplaza and ate at the same eatery but different table and more dishes this time. it is the green signboard new station 'restaurant' and we had zi char. back then, we were poor hungry students and couldn't afford to order much. it would have been romantic if we even shared the same bowl o claypot rice but of coz that didnt happen because no 1) we werent that poor and no 2) we were xinying and isaac and we just don't share food.

so we ate heartily and i'm glad to say that 5 years from that very first 'date', isaac didnt pick his teeth infront of me. so that was good.

after that, we headed to wisma which would always have a special placeinour hearts coz thats where we really really began, outside the toilet. there he first asked me 'err so are you my gf'. this is by now infamous coz i in my flabbergasted state back then told everyone that i found the most unromantic guy in the world and yet fell in love with him.

so this time, he asked me the same question but the correct answer is 'no', as opposed to back then's 'HOW CAN YOU ASK ME THIS KIND OF QUESTION?!". because i'll be his wife in 5 mths!

so anyways, the long in short is that we had a great time eating , reminiscing and thanking God for his faithfulness because we so nearly didnt make it.

so there, thank you dear Father. for duckobell . for your goodness. for your faithfulness. for each other. MUAH.

**
looking in the mirror...
me: urgh. i'm so not cool. so unglam. and smelly (From the food fumes at far east).
him: it's ok. coz if you were cool, we won't be compatible.

good point.

**
walking past bang and olufsen...we decided it sounded like a car accident.

BANG! O! Lu Sen (the seatbelt!)

Rs

Not reduce, reuse and recycle.
Regrets/rewind

the most painful word established in the english vocabulary.

Many times, i want to hit myself and wish very hard that i could just the time back by those few minutes to right the wrong and better that moment. but its all futile. that has never and will never materialized.

the trap to get me stuck in the 'if only's of life keeps me from advancing to the best and unlimited that the future offers. my best years are not behind me, neither is it now. its infront. i hope to still be saying this when i'm 70, 80. it'll always be ahead. never behind.

i might have done better in that moment on hindsight. but i'll never have the moment back. i can only seize the next one.

*
Revenge

i want to hit back and right my own wrongs done to me. and i know i have the claws like wolverine, hidden but mighty. i know i can scratch them alive and make them eat their words. i know my words can tear much down and i've been strugglign to bridle them. to let go of my rights and let God. to leave Him to be the judge and to absolve myself in this situation.

it goes against everything that i am. the one who will fight. i am now called to be meek and to submit my 'predicament' to Him even when injustice was done towards me. the only battle i am called to now is the battle against my flesh.

i can be antagonistic and ruthless. but i'm struggling not to be. because some time ago, i signed my life away to be His follower, bearing up the cross to walk the talk. now i have to love my enemies through the love shed abroad. and this year, i've been challenged endlessly to love the painfully unloveable even as they unrepentantly choose to sin against me. just as I have sinned against my God but have gained forgiveness.

now, all i really desire is grace to keep forgiving despite the unrelentless tide of offense. maybe they really don't know what they do. and i leave my interests in His palm, knowing somehow, all this will pan out for His glory and He will take care of me.(before i give up and take care of them.)

*
Respite

Bangkok provided a great respite for me from the bustle of life. i enjoyed being away, being uncontactable (somewhat) and being with my good friend, who painstakingly put up withmy messiness and tardiness when she suffers from an extreme form of obsessive compulsive disorder.

(so in the end she had to pack for me by sorting out my stuff properly while i was previously throwing and dumping and then attemptign to sit on luggage to close it). I appreciate the carefully and thoughtfully planned itinery that even gives us a 1 hr break and everything so so much and the patience when i said i'll nap 15 minutes but zonk out for like 1 hr and the bag shopping.

and the list goes on.

this trip also unveiled another thing. that i look very local and thai. it's not just the clothes (because i look sloppier than the street hawker) but that i just look thai. people actually express genuine surprise when i say i'm not thai.

this has to serve a purpose. besides being able to get better bargains because tourists usually get ripped off, maybe it'll help meto assimilate better during ministry/mission trips. but it'll take quite a miracle for me to remotely master the sing song thai language lah.

i'm thankful for it and i think i came back better. more ready to take the problems thrown head on. i think that if not for the break i might have really broken down emotionally,mentally and physically because of the sheer stress of everything. i want to go back one day. i see it. not just for teh shopping but i want to visit the slums with physical and spiritual provisions from heaven and reclaim some territory back for my Lord.

prepare for my return, thailand.

world and personal transitions

is the media in love with Obama or what? but i can understand why. i'm a fan too. i try to be objective and try my bestest to restrain me to denounce the other candidates but this man really won me over in so many ways.

Now i'm just waiting to see what he'll say concerning zion and after that it pretty much seals my vote. as if i get to vote. but well at least i'm committed to praying God's choice into the white house.

its not the good looks as some of his detractors like to expound on that kept me spell bound. there's so much more from fund raising methods to governanceof his campaigning committee etc. everything he does is so unprecedented and fresh (no wonder they denounce him for being inexperienced). if this is what inexperience is about, i'm all for it.

joshua was quite inexperienced in leading the people into the promised land but he was God's choice. i think this signals something very new in the world. i'm ready for America's first black president. I'm ready for the eagle to soar again and turn the tide around and soar so high against the boarish bear and the proud dragon. *oops*

**
i've been so greatly fatigued lately with packing and just thinking about the things that lay ahead. there seems to be no respite which is why i'm so looking forward to rest.

2008 really bullet sped past me and yes although we're only in june, i can sniff december already. it's round the corner.

being thrust and vascillated endlessly between the present and the future so often rendered me somewhat an amnesiac towards history. my packing uncovered adventures of the past and the highlight really was pictures of the past. sadly, i don't have many of myself in mgs and pjc but those i had made me laugh (and cringe).

i'd like to think i was never THAT dorky but the picture evidence spoke strongly against me. it brought me back down memory lane while i revisited old friendships in those pictures and the naivety that characterized that age. i liked the innocence that was associated with it and remember the petty squabbles with friends.

the photos charted the course i've taken and the long wayi've come. it's such an amazingness seeing how God operated on me bit by bit and how much more He'll take me. and i'm so blessed and proud that many from those photos are still present in my life today. i consider that true treasure and am a firm believer that how rich you are is often quite defined by your relationships. when i think about th epeople i've been blessed with and how our friendships have endured the ages and transcended so much, i do think i'm very rich.

when i'm married and have household obligations (like cooking and ironing), i'll miss many things of singlehood. and while i enter a different phase which many of my friends aren't inaugarated into yet, i have the faith that while our activities differ, our friendship will remain and continue to get better with age. as with eachtransition, somethings have to go to make way for the new.there'll probably be no more sleepovers which is something we left behind in the 20th century. and we might end up bonding in the aisles of supermarkets as we ponder over which brand of washing powder provides the best value of money instead of the fitting room where we ponder over 'which pair of jeans doesn't make my butt look fat and my legs long'.

nah, i'm kidding. my friends thankfully are more than shopping buddies (they are eating kakis too, esp mei ling and shuxin). there is more that we talk about and i like it that we can bare ur hearts and bear each other up. (until i get so irritating they all explode.but i secretly enjoy exasperating them)

i can't take all along with me as i transit from singlehood to marriage. i'm leaving my soft toys, books and some other relics behind. and my wilfuness, rights and pride to begin my covenant that will stretch eternity .

my technological milestones

1996-hotmail account set up. by mei ling (i've since progressed to yahoo/gmail)
1997- irc set up by mei ling
1997-icq set up by cali (which i ended up using for a looong time even when all of you abandoned me for msn!)
2005-msn. by this thankfully comes with windows live.
2004-blogger set up by cali
2005-friendster set up by cali
2006-flickr set up by cali.
2008-facebook set up by cali, wedding photos uploaded by cali, snapfish set up by cali
1996-? mei ling records all my missed episodes of tv shows. because even if i had a vcr, i wouldn't know how to use it.


what will i do without my friends?
live in a cave.with dinosaurs.

i will never be a model

for more reasons than one.

1)i'm uber unprofessional and i hate posing posing posing. the photographer said that unlike couples who want more more more pictures to milk their money's worth, i'm like 'ok, this is so hard, ok let's go!lament lament''

2)in her words, i'm ''pose like robot'' -stiff.

3)i don't take instructions very well.
eg: from far, "xinying!!show your flowers!!!"
me: "huh?!?!"
isaac behind me "SHOWWW your flowers at her!!"
me (bewildered that they asked me to throw the flowers but willing obeyed' threw the bouquet at the photographer. and hit her face.

photographer: "i'm gg to vomit''
2 interpretations of that line : i'm so exasperated i'm gg to vomit, you hit me so hard i'm gg to vomit (the bouquet has a long hard stick below)

4)you already know this by now...i'm clumsy.

up the stairs: trips and falls X4 among other things.

**
special thanks to calista teo...who went the extra mile for her clumsy friend literally. and who ended up being more tired than on a workday for me. and she did so cheerily and so lovingly! gah!!huggg!

the ah goonbride signs out.
thank you!!!!!

doing better next time

"I will confide this to you: One of my greatest disappointments and a grief that I carry is to have watched some of the most spiritually-gifted people fail, backslide, and bury the great gifts that they were given. Because my calling is to build people, the "talents" I have been entrusted with are the people. Though I understand that God has given people freedom to make their own choices, I still carry a grief for those who fail. I cannot help but to wonder what I could have done to prevent this.
Don't feel sorry for me or try to alleviate this feeling because it is basic that with authority comes responsibility, and I am not concerned with feeling better as much as I am with doing better. The only way that I will feel better is to see improvement, and I think that we are, but I also do not want to just sweep our failures under the rug. I want to learn everything I can from them so I can do better with the people the Lord entrusts to us. "

-Rick Joyner, morningstar ministries.

thinking aloud.

"The Bible is not the record of people following the rules and grabbing the blessing. The Bible is a record of grace breaking into people's lives—usually in the form of suffering—who otherwise would never have been able to overcome their own corruption and brokenness."

Tim Keller, pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian church.

wah, solid.

**
on another note, i'm thinking wedding (finally, i know i know) so here's thinking aloud and i appreciate comments/advice/volunteers but please don't have major debate etc.

bridesmaid's dresses
cut: ok since all of you want different things and i so don't want cookie cutter , i let you all decide.
it must be matching but ie: no polka dots and bold colors. same color theme will be good.
if you all have trouble getting it off the rack, cut it out of the magazine and we see what a tailor and arab street cloth suppliers can do.


registration
i need 4? including treasurer. isaac wants some of his friends there also.

annabelle?jon?joana?zijuan?adelene? ok that's 5. haha, isaac's friends will do ushering then. or bouncers. wah jon is a lucky guy.

jon has also volunteered to do a song and dance solo but i'm gently declining that gracious offer.

Emcees
cali and niq. so you all need to meet soon with me to discuss. i want to vet script because niq has incriminating stuff that constitutes as blackmail material.

overall coordination
maria .

speech
shuxin

worship team
isaac's people are taking care of this

my cell grp shd be involved. ok, they can prepare special non embarassing item.

and of course, last but not the least
oxygen tank-mei ling!

screening of montage/projector:
someone techy. joel?

wedding car driver:
isaac's friend ben?

the rest of the committee, i know almost all got private transport but i appreciate car pooling (ie. all my bridesmaids livein bukit timah!!) because we must do our part to save the environment.
(what i actually mean is parking is tight)
that's all, what am i missing?

ok then i'll organize a get together since all of you are from everywhere and we need to play stupid ice breakers to get some real synergy going here! nobody is allowed to bond by sharing weird stories about me.wah, come to think abt it these are the major grps: mgs, nhps, pj,new creation, cornerstone. and all are coincidentally christian.good.i like christian army.

isaac's friends will take care of worship, ushering, gate crashing (so you all must hold the fort!) etc.

Plea

The Lord has to divorce me from disappointed hope and help me to transcend above the pitfalls of despair to trust again. I admit my doubt and unbelief and I lay them at the foot of the cross. (and not take them back)I've struggled and crucified them a thousand times over and have no victory. I handing it over now for Him to enforce Hisvictory, their defeat over my soul.

Reclaim me for Yourself only Lord and consecrate me for Your purposes.

The distractions and trappings of wealth are very real but I know He understands and doesn't despise my weaknesses.

Sever the memory and tauntings of a history that included a time of seeming unanswered prayer and restore and baptize me again in simple childlike trust and faith.

For nothing else inherits and accesses Him more than a child like faith. And that is what I want. To please Him

dashing to the altar!

ok.

somehow i have to find time to collect keys, renovate the house and move out of one house into another FAST.

july will be a 'relak' month with 3 birthdays and 1 anniversary and alot of yays.

then come aug, what is 20% tentative and 80% sure is new york. then baby fair for 21 days.

then sept, it'll be alot of time in the skies as we head paris, cologne and stockholm.

then i'll be back and be dashing all the way to the altar. with my wedding planner and train in tow. which means i have to decide on dresses and other things. like digging up photos for montage, guestslists, speeches etc.

then after that, i just want to collapse and rest.

from miss l to mrs q

i hate being away from isaac. i've said this before and i have repeated this at least 10000 times but it remains unchanged.

i told him so but he thinks i'm just being clingy and 'dependent'. oh well, too bad then. i will stick like superglue and he better get used to it come dec 27th.

i like it then when i forget my sunglasses and can't take the glare, he will put his hands over my eyes so that there is effectively no glare (infact, there is no vision) and he'll just take my hand and lead me. well, we must look quite ridiculous to the rest of the world but it's ok, we're safe and snug in our own.

and when i go 'my shoulders are ugly' when looking at my reflection in the glass panel, he covers them with his arms, hugging me from behind so that i see instead that i'm loved. and know this: in just one man's eyes at least in this world of too many, i'm beautiful.

just about 7 mths more and its time to ponder over guestlists and get my bridesmaids some clothes. or likei said, buy cloth from arab street with safety pins. haha.

and in 7 mths, we'll no more be sending air kisses over the phone at 11pm every weekday night. we'll transit over to the world of real goodnight kisses! (and he'll be my slave forevermore! ) oops.read: wives submit to your husband ..(bible page 1015 aka 1 Peter 3:1)

we'll end our 5 year long distance upp changi east and west coast crescent relationship and move into the era of strathmore avenue.

Remembering Maria Sue

ending a cycle.

when death comes prematurely, we all mourn the loss of 'what could have been'.

this week,death struck twice. once, near home but a lot less tragic for it was a life well lived and spanned over 8 decades.

Esther, (isaac's grandma) and a future grandmother in law for me went home into the arms of Jesus on thursday, 22nd May.

While we all shed a tear coz we missed her, we laughed at her 'so cute' antics like how she would clap and sing along to 'beautiful sunday' and always went 'oh dear dear dear ' in her signature Esther style.

she was a cheerful vibrant spunky ah ma and got habitually distracted by nice pretty things. the vanity vein did not miss her, like most of her female counterparts and she fussed over her hair to make sure that it was freshly dyed, in the same vain hope to conceal that she was a grandma of over 8 decades old.

all in all, she was loved, cherished and cared for. and now, she joins her heavenly husband, our lord Jesus and her earthly husband, Donald together with her firstborn, Mary in heaven.

**
news from further away but harder to bear that evoked a greater 'grief reaction' however came in the form of Maria Chapman's sudden demise due to a tragic car accident. this little Chinese girl escaped probable female infanticide or a fate much worse as she was adopted from China into a loving, Christian American home.

just 10 days after her 5th birthday, for reasons I can't fathom but can't stop pondering over, she returned to her heavenly home.

this news hit me hard and the frustrations of a regular work day just faded into oblivion as new grief dominated my thoughts. it's the 'whys' and the imagining of the pain her family must be going through etc etc that raced endlessly through my mind.

i don't have the answers but i know Maria today is with Jesus and that is a mighty comfort. How many people can say that of their children? they may have lived a successful illustrious life in all earthly measures but at the end of the cycle, if it doesn't lead to Jesus, it is all futile. all nothing. zilch. even heaven is nothing without Jesus.

someday, the answers will come and death will be no more. someday, in the heavenly courts where praises ring and families reunite, all the tears will be no more. but until that someday, His grace and comfort be our sufficiency. His presence, Himself be our all in all.

perilous times

" For we know that the whole creation has been groaning togethe in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies"

Romans 8: 22-23

myanmar cyclone. sichuanearthquake. philippines typhoon. sumatra earthquake.

what next?

in Christ alone

will i glory.
if i didn't update any longer, this would rust. this blog was started to document Him in my life and the recent event,though not spectacular deserves an entry.

i never thought it was possible and i berated myself over the course of preparing (and fretting) as to why i did this. this was completely my own initiative and i had no one to blame and despite knowing i had close to no human resource (but not realizing the scale it would eventually be), i charged ahead.

even if this was my swansong, i think it concluded very nicely. i never thought i could even do it since i have close to zero coordination skills and am uptight, perfectionistic and terribly short-handed. but i guess, in everything, this is true: God + me = majority and nothing is impossible if i have Him.

He was truly the invisible hand behind the event. there was nothing spectacular but all i would say complimented the event (although i don't know if it was out of courtesy) because of the intangible aspects. this was the warmth, the laughter, the fine balance between presentation and relaxation. i had no control over these aspects no matterhow much i planned and its the general dynamics of the crowd that caused the event to be successful. and for that, i only have Him to credit as He mingled invisibly in the crowd as the chief host and servant.

He was the first person I invited and I'm so glad He showed up. otherwise, I'd be left with just me and a very sad show. prior to the event, i was assaulted by thoughts of terrible 'what ifs' such as if no one turned up etc.

all in all, i watched in awe as how everything i didn't plan panned out and all my blind corners covered by His dedication. and most of all, i'm so grateful He held me together. in the multitude of my anxieties, He truly comforted my soul and strengthened me both physically and emotionally.

I just pray that the eyes of those who have yet to encounter Him will see Him. I can't quite say 'thank you' when a compliment is served because i know i just can't take credit for this. Nobody knows how i could barely hold together and how much I wanted to give up. Nobody knew the wreck i was or imagined the loser i could be if He was not on the scene. Not just for this event, but life itself.

I just pray, that when i say 'praise God', 'Jesus blessed this', 'my prayers were answered', that it would be a little seed of His glory germinating in their heart that will erupt into more evidences of His future manifest glory. i'm not trying to be modest. i'm only being truthful.

I just pray that they'll see beyond me. and if they can't, i would be sorely disappointed and sorry for inadvertently robbing the glory of my best friend.

i've been thinking over the past few days and one reason why i was sorely disappointed and disheartened with work/career is that i always wanted my job to not just be a job but a ministry. that God can through me change conditions to better the lives of people, to change people, to touch hearts, to be the glove for His hand to work through to yield results to bless the company.

i want to sow a seed of His person in human hearts, be a friend /intercessor to those who don't know Him and be a runway for His glory to take flight so that His name can be exalted.

i want to make money. not so that isaac and i can live like a king but so that we can serve more people with this money and meet all our needs. at the risk of sounding overly altruistic and drawing glory to myself, do note that none of these desires have bore fruit. and that is why, i'm here at this fork in the road wondering and wandering.

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I've been blessed beyond measure
And only by His strength I've overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes
Like diamonds in my hand
But those trophies would not equal
To the grace on which I stand

"in Christ alone"

brief update

am so glad to be back.
i just realized i hvae an uncanny love-hate relationship with HK, all because i got really sick on both trips this month there.

first one, i had a severe case of gastric and i was in a lot of pain at some ulu convention centre. and before i knew it, i did a merlion.
then just yesterday, i was being wrapped up in blankets and guzzling hot water as a fever raged on and my throat felt like i swallowed blades.

my consolation was that this time, mum was with me and she nursed me and prayed and prayed while i lay in bed shivering. i actually felt a tangible shift and release when she was done praying. my mum is such a prayer warrior. wish my mum could travel with me whereever i go.


sometimes it feels so surreal how its possible to shuttle so much in like 3 days. i cannot believe i was still in hk a few hours ago and now here i am. its kinda disconcerting and i feel like i've lost all my bearings.

and during my last trip to hk 2 weeks ago, i kept thinking i was in china.

off to bed. =/

broken

i like to be read. not in the sense that you read my blog and i feel like endorphins are coursing through my veins.

i like it when my sentences can be finished, my reactions can be anticipated etc. i like it that someone knows me so well , it makes me feel less lone in this world.

**
things have changed.
previously when i get a new diary organizer, i first mark down all the birthdays i possibly remember. now, ijust mark down deadlines and various other schedules.

this year, the diary is filling up faster than i expected. everything at once.

**
i don't like to come undone in public and i thought i was holding up quite well. until your searing hands cradled my head. then my tears gushed own my face like a dam breaking. the release of emotions was liberating. but i don't know what i'm crying for. except that maybe You know my struggles. You know it all and that itself was very comforting alone already.

i suck at trying to be strong. and any front to be superwoman is a terrible disguise. i can do a lot less than i think i can and i am a lot less infact that all you all think i am. i don't cope well knowing i'm far away and connected only by a phone line, even though thankfully, i've been in the same timezone.

i don't cope well when i can't figure out how and when in life, work etc. i don't. and in those moments, i need your invisible but tangible presence to just help me take stock of things and hold me. to tell me that i'm not in charge, but You. to tell me that You are here when family and familiarity is miles away.

i'm still trapped within my youth and grandiose but unrealistic dreams to maximize my 20s but thinking that if i run at the speed of a bullet train and try as much as i can, i can sleep at night, and on my last day on earth with no regrets. but i still can't. i've gathered so much on my plate in the buffet of life and now i don't know what to do. at all. i'm vulnerable against the attacks of 'what ifs' and daunting thoughts that i might actuallybe the one to ruin it all.

you know thisis my crisis of confusion and i need you to help me sieve out the chaff and set my path straight again. all i want to do is hole up in bed and yet sleep is elusive and disturbed.

something happened to me somewhere along the way. i can't find me and i need you to help.

i like the now so much. thank you

these unfamiliar plains
these clouds thunder and rain
how did i arrive
They say I've been here before
Well, the landscape must have changed

Nothing is familiar
Nothing is clear
Nothing struck a chord
Nothing
they called it amnesia

I don't see my footprints
as i walked on the grey sand
But I see plenty others
From size five to size nine
many have been here
but where were mine

i wonder where they have gone
i wonder who they are

Then I saw a little hill in the horizon
And I inched forward in curiosity
Stumbling I fell face forward
face to face with a cold stone
a reminder
that it was here i was left alone

there, my epitaph coldly proclaimed
'The girl I saw today: 2000-2003'
spelling my brief existence
only the years and not the months
Because I had several resurrections
before you laid me to eternal rest
leaving me to seek my best

i scanned the rest of the grey
and there were no other tombs
where did the others go
perhaps over that cliff
and dived into the snow

i wonder how long i laid in that shallow grave
before the stone rolled away
sheer trauma and fear
that tried and tested my faith

I woke up from that dream
With a heartache so salient
My chest tightened , persperation dotted my brow
Until Your peace swept me to the present

I was on another plain
A large vast expanse
this is home
the running brooks of water so divine
that quenched a thirst so deep
every thing, was alive and mine
life was bursting out of my every breath
unlike the other, there was no sign of death

I'm so glad to be home
And I'll never leave
I was clothed with love
housed with peace and joy
I transcended from death to life
There were my favorite fruit trees and a happy golden retriever
Among a few of my favorite things
Then I saw the favorite persons
My covenant partner
my darling laughter
my heart corded to his with love
And beside him, my Savior and Master
the author of the impossible


Phew

miserable

am miserable. both physically and emotionally.

am down with a cold and the medicine i ingest seem to be pure poison making me woozy and barely providing enough relief for the persistent symptoms that compound my discomfort in my soul.

am miserable emotionally because i feel lost.

i just want to go so far away so i don't have to think about the 'to do ' list that i've penned out. i just want my mind to come to a complete stand still for a good hour. and my heart to stop its ridiculous palpitations, like an alarm ready to go off.

it's not excitement but dread. and i don't know how to step out of this rut.i need a fresh breath and somethingnew to smile about. i don't like what it has become.

a mid level leap into the air
left me on my bum in the valley of where
my bearings are incomposite
this doesn't look like my destination
what happened

i looked around the bare
and i saw you in the darkness
the light beckoning me
i stepped into the elevator called 'waiting'
and pushed the button called 'patience'
this must be it!
i beamed excitedly waiting
for the doors to open
to a brand new beginning

minutes passed, and then hours
the door did not open
i stomped about the 1 metre square
i felt abandoned,
''you didn't care''

the minutes ticked by
the pressure made me sick
i had to swallow for my ears to pop
but still all was silent

and then suddenly the doors flew open
like the gates of heaven
my eyes blinked at the light
piercing my vision and illuminating my darkness
and there you were
with a table and spread
saying, the wait is over.

i wish i didn't sit by grumbling
i wish i didn't stomp around the 1 metre square
i wish i made it my prayer closet
patiently abiding
trusting

but the moment would not return
the elevator defies gravity
and wouldn't head down to where
now that i'm there

fragments

i've left you my blog to collect dust as i hurry through life shuttling around, climbing up the slopes of mid levels and scouring cheung sha wan for no 777, a building at the end of the road, a very long road, a foregone conclusion that should have arrived much earlier so that we could rest our tired bodies, minds and souls.
**
I don't want to drive people to green envy with the opulence of the chandeliers and the visual spectacle of the assembly of accessories.I want to drive people to jesus as they witness the goodness and works of God in our lives.Above all, he must not just be the planner but be the guest. The vip guest.Up to this point, I often find myself dumbfounded as to what I want for my wedding. Ie, what dress, what jewellery, what theme etc.I had no clue. Until now.

But what I truly want is intangible, felt and not seen. Experienced. I don't just want my guests walking away enjoying themselves. If the core of their being is touched by the greatest love in the world, if they walk away witha deposit of my lovely lord jesus christ, I've had my perfect wedding.

There have been so many offers to help with the sourcing of various wedding stuff. I truly appreciate that but what I seriously covet is your prayers that isaac and I will have grace for a lifetime together, walking thru the mountains and valleys together with His peace and joy. That there will be forbearance and grace for each othes shortcomings and love to build each other up and a warm home of comfort to come home to every night as we sojourn thru a world that is not our home.

yay. no more air kisses over the phone at 11pm. real ones from 7pm onwards!everyday!
**
i want to relinquish ownership to you all over again, now that i don't have the slightest clue where all is heading. maybe i do have a clue but its not clear enough and the signal is weak. i want you to own fully so that i know i'm in good hands. i turn and surrender those areas of my heart to you so you can inhabit them. here is your latest new home to add to your collection Jesus. Have a happy stay.

**
i've been reading obsessively a book i cannot recommend. i've been reading it while trying to find a footingin that crowded moving tube they call public transport which barely transports you from point a to point b alive.

i've been skipping tv and many other things to finish the book and 600 pages or so later, i'm done.

this book has cost me 170 hkd. and i nearly missed my flight as a result. for the first time in my life, i was the last person to board the plane and heard my name announced. because i was trying to pay for the book and get to the cashier.

and speaking of which, i'm glad it'll be awhile before i board the plane again. how long exactly i'm not sure. because i'm sick of plane food when i used to be intrigued by the little sets and how tidily they were lined up. (familiarity breeds contempt) and i came face to face with the reality that i was away from home too much (at least in my own estimation) when i watched almost everything thatcould remotely interest me on krisflyer. they didnt even have time to change the schedule before i boarded the next flight. so that's why it brings me back to my semi original point-i had to have thebook or be bored.

**
a lot of you know the artefacts of the past in my museum. some are worth some money and im putting them up for sale. because that night, it came back to haunt me. so the next day i rushed to the cupboard that housed the memories to take them out. to put them outside, in the hope that it'll keep the sting away. and the memories will be detached from the present , and leave the present and future untainted and clean.

to my amazement, they had not a mite or dust on them. never mind, they're still going on ebay. i hope i'm not cheapening it by auctioning it online. because i know i really am saying that the memories aren't worth that much that i'd trade them in for money. well, they contributed to who i am today but i wouldn't want to keep them, an emblem of disappointments, hurts, spite and also forgiveness.

here comes the bride

there are many ridiculously tiny skinny brides whose gowns i can't fit.

mei ling was very worried (for herself) when she couldn't zip me up. but don't worry, i'm still eating healthily.

had two voices and sometimes three voices debating which dress i shd pick and wear. at the end , aftr 3 hrs, we finally reached consensus and i was so relieved. and i actually really like it too! thanks =)

my friends and mum also found out to their horror how obiang isaacs taste was. we can't quite decide if it was pure bad taste or if he just wants to uglify me so that no one will ever want me but him.

in mei ling's words, he always pick out the ugliest in the rack/page. this comment does wonders for my self esteem. i wonder ifhis bad taste brought him to me....

but lah dee dah. i'm happy. except that i tried on so many i can't quite remember what the selected looks like.

and bumped into the owner joey and chris. who completely didn't recognize me. she called me up later to say that she told her staff to alert her when i arrive and they didn't. shez the sweetest, alwaysthrowing in free things for us and we really feel an affinity with her.

we arranged to meet up the next time i swing by. in the meantime, the photoshoots set for 6 june.

here comes the bride!*skips and twirls! and lands on the ground gracefully*

china in brief

last night dinner in beijing

hoi leong, shuxin,me, eve
our service apt in beijing.
with our own walk in wardrobe!which we had nothing to put in.
but unfortunatelywe had to share a bed.(in shanghai i had my own room!)
ma la (hot pot something) which made most sweat but i emerged somewhat chilli champion.
birds nest olympic stadium
in the bus

shuxin with eggy. (it was smiling. two eyes and a smile.)
at shenzhen
raffles city shanghai
xin tian di shanghai
mean chilli basket with prawns somewherebelow. at the corner, quite potent 'huang jiu'

huayu cool

http://www.spring.gov.sg/Content/ModulePage.aspx?group=nw&id=b9870dee-12e6-4c6e-906a-27caf8c41655

that was what me and shuxin were involved in for the past 4 days.

punishing schedules, little sleep and basically being teleported from city to city. but overall, despite the fatigue and language handicap, we thoroughly enjoyed it and learnt a great deal from it.

they fed us non stop but i still lost weight. it was the walking, the lack of sleep and my sheer fussiness that kept me from partaking from china's delicacies.

we went from meeting to presentation to mall tours all covering 3 cities within a span of 3 days. delays in flights were occupied by blackberrying and stoning. occasionally, we entertained ourselves with our strange sense of humour that really really if exhibited, truly discredits us.

for eg, while waiting for the luggage to appear on the conveyor belt,

xin1:do you want to know how a sushi feels?
xin2:?
xin1: jump on the conveyor belt lor.

among other things.

i was also very embarassed by our language handicap but mostly shuxin's. we had so much trouble communicating to anyone. was talking to this chinese owner of a fashion chain and then he asked me to speak in mandarin..to which i replied 'i am huayuing!'

and then there was shuxin shopping and when she wanted to tell the sales asst 'let me think about it first', she went 'rang wo zi wo xiang xiang' (translated: let me own self think think)

and then while checking in for a domestic flight, i was told that if iw ant the aisle seat, i should inform the attendant that iwant a 'corridor seat' as they don't quite understand what's aisle. so i did so obediently only to realize that she didn't understand. so i raised my volume (as if that really helps but itend to do it alot when people dont understand and speak really slowly)

me:"IIIII WAAAANTTT A COOOOREEEEY DOOORRR SEAAATT"
her: huh??ting bu dong!
me:CORREE DOORRR
her:??
me: zai zou de pang ban (literal translaton: beside the walk)
her: oh...aisle seat.
me-embarassed-

we were treated like vips as we were shuffled from place to place, given the best food and put up in quite luxurious settings (at least for local standards). i also find it such an irony that poor and rich call the same street home. on one hand you see people shopping their socks off and two minutes later, you see someone picking trash from the bins.

also because we were considered to be quite vipish, which i totally dont understand why, i had people escorting me to the toilet and like really going all out of the way to treat me like a king, sans the red carpet and taking a lot of 'paparazzi shots'. its really like this:walk walk walk, snap snap snap.

only that sometimes, i'm like walk yawn scratch nose, snap snap snap.

gulp.

overall, i'm amazed at china and what it has become since the last time i saw it. my only regret for this trip is that i did not get to see tiananmen. in light of the debacle with tibet, i thought about the heavy persecution of MY brethren.

so a day before the trip while packing, i realized that a green jacket i am bringing is very 'maoish' and entertained thoughts of standing outside tiananmen and crying out 'let my people go'. to which meiling replied that the authorities might even be more convinced about incarcerating and containing religious fanaticism.

i also met alot of people whom i otherwise would never have if not for the trip. am so thankful for the company and just the crash course of china. yes, 4 days just went by and here i am back again before hong kong beckons in 2 weeks.

i even got recruited to join the fuqing association (my dialect grp which is uber rare with only 4000 of us ) in singapore because the treasurer happened to be on the trip. hurhur. i know not a word about my dialect sadfully but was told that the premises that the association occupies is worth alot. someone even advised thati shd probably join because as the youngest and theonly rep in my generation, if en bloc ah, i get alot of money.

want to go back to beijing. tiananmen.

selah.

the genie coefficient

Dior poisons me with the high lead content
Hugo captivates me and I sniff around to catch a whiff
Ferragamo tempts me and makes me feel like a pauper

then i walk down the street and order a $6 cake and a $6 coffee.
then i realize the $12 for my tea feeds a family of 3,
living in a one room HDB
for 2 whole meals

then i hear the cry of the poor as i march down the streets of 'too much',
muffled by the bustle of the city.
their demeanor considered unsightly
so they are sidelined, marginalised by society.
their poverty is camouflage to the slums of our minds
and a helping hand is a hard, rare find.

their welfare is nobody's business,
afterall, we're still reeling from a sub prime crisis.
our problems are too big, they won't understand.
if this doesn't go well,
we can't even sustain our chanels.

so we turn a deaf ear and a blind eye,
to their not so silent cry.
we sear our conscience to fend for our comfort,
and add mercilessly to their hurt.
we cry over our korean DVDS
fly out of our geographical boundary to to lend aid
all the while, oblivious to the 3rd world in our very own city state.

we who are rich are truly poverty stricken
eaten by a disease called 'selfish'.
'every man for himself' rules our hearts,
yet we cry out 'one people, one nation, one singapore'
with a merlion's roar.

'no man is an island' applies
but i've learnt that membership to the 'island' is $200k annually.
this island doesn't admit many,
even if you have the money
see, the poor don't have a clue of our woes
they don't see the thorns in our rose.
the greenback is spiralling
and we all feel poor
there is rising inflation
our tomorrows are no longer sure
however, we're completely unaware
that their todays
are in peril

boldness and courage for a lamb

this season calls for strength to stand, faith to believe, boldness to conquer and grace to overcome. yet all i want to do is hide and run away. from the tempest and the storms. from the conflicts, skirmishes and potential bloodshed. i am the new irresponsible and the wuss in me is crying out for shelter (and another holiday), yet knowing fully well that it is not what i need.

i find myself obsessing over things like looking out for the fugitive, to ensure he is not camouflaged in the crowd and noticed that there are many many pple wearing caps these days. so i peer beneath their caps when they are sleeping in the train and rudely jolt them awake when they realize i'm peering. then i quickly look away, mentally justifying myself that i need not be embarassed, i'm just doing my part as a civilian, to be vigilant.

this is the moment when i'm challenged to be more because i hate injustice. sometimes i feel so fired up i want to fight. at times, fear and the mind holds me back and i just keep thinking, ''better stay out of trouble. don't get involved'. but i quote mordecai, queen esther's uncle who was an emblem of righteousness -
" for if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this"

alamak. what a harsh rebuke. but she needed it because many destinies and lives were hanging in the balance. imagine if esther had just MYOBed (minded your own business), the book of esther would have been written very differently and esther will be a name that will go down history in shame.

i don't know how my name will live after i leave. i do believe however, that every small decision sums up and every decision further defines who you are and what you stand for. its the classic 'between the rock and a hard place' but that's where many mighty men are birthed. babies are birthed in the womb but mighty men are birthed through trials and really difficult situations. mine is nothing compared to them. it's comparing a chiku to a watermelon. if you get my analogy. surely, this is nothing.

i need to unwussify. i need to speak even if i stammer. i need to stand even if i shake. and really its ok even if i have to evacuate this earth one day, because on the other wide of heaven, i've got a mansion reserved.

so really, if i can make a tiny difference in a tiny person's life, i'll do it. even if its inconvenient and costly. because He knew the cost but paid for me.

i'm sure He asked why. i'm sure the Father answered back, pointing at me 'she is the reason why you must die'.

i was blind but now i see

chastised.

the peoplei used to envy who had the jobs i wanted, the 'type' of life that seemed to spell ' i had it all' didn't quite have it all either. it was just all an illusion, nice packaging to shield the sadness behind.

and i felt so bad for ever ever lamenting about my life.

"death reminds us about the brevity of life but the resurrection reminds us of the brevity of death''

While You Were Sleeping - Casting Crowns

great expectations-steven curtis chapman

The morning finds me here at heavens door

A place Ive been so many times before

Familiar thoughts and phrases start to flow

And carry me to places that I know so well

But dare I go where I dont understand

And do I dare remember where I amI stand before the great eternal throne

The one that God himself is seated on

And I Ive been invited as a son

Oh I Ive been invited to come and

Believe the unbelievable

Receive the inconceivable

And see beyond my wildest imagination

Lord I come with great expectations

So wake the hope that slumbers in my soul

Stir the fire inside and make it glow

Im trusting in a love that has no end

The savior of this world has called me friend

And I Ive been invited with the son

Oh I Ive been invited to come and

We've been invited with the sonA

nd we've been invited to come and

Believe the unbelievable

Receive the inconceivable

And see beyond our wildest imagination

Lord we come with great expectations

better not safe than sorry.

i'm driven by a force that wants to live life to the fullest, love the hardest and overcome so that on my deathbed, i'll be able to wave my temporary home goodbye gaily knowing i truly lived. i'm not scared to die physically. i'm scared to die spiritually and mentally, more than anything else.

i want to savour all the blessings He has availed for me. To have the best marriage on earth, have the epic romance of all times with the one i love, share a life of communion in Him with him, and raise champions whose hearts are sold out to the one true God, to live fearlessly for Him only.

i don't want to stay 'safe' and never venture out, never try. my life has to be an adventure no matter how fraught with fear i sometimes am, as the uncertainty bellows from the deep and i'm dangling precariously by a thread called faith. undoubtedly, sometimes fear holds me back and the 'what ifs' swallow my gusto before i even start to pray. but the greater fear of one day looking back at my days in regret and peppering my lines with 'if only's propells me even further into the unknown.

i've made a decision to be bold. this decision will leave room for mistakes, forgiveness and grace to pick up and move on. this decision equips me to live to discover His best plans for me, to evidence the truth that 'He'll never leave me nor forsake me'', to be surprised by Him and to live the the overcoming life He decreed. i don't have to walk safely on the pathway when i can fly. at the same time,the knowledge that i have all but one life time restrains me from living carelessly but exercising prayer and counsel.

there are certain key areas in my life that are awaiting His full restoration. the robbers of my faith have pilferaged the deep treasures of my heart and i'm waiting a full compensation and the shame of their offense. it seems abyssamal when i examine it with the standards of this world and i've walked the valley of despair because of it. but i know, without a doubt that my God of isaac will have the last laugh from the top of Zion. and His laughter is my victory cry.

feeding my soul jay chou
with corrine may on repeat play
i can't hear You now.
garrison my soul with Your love
before they lower the casket of hope below the earth
thieves are pilferaging my hope
and the weight of my expectations
crush my spirit
lift me out from the abyss of dust
hoist my hope up the mast
blast the lies out of my soul
and let the voice of truth resound in victory.

bad bad review.

i seldom blog like this but today i was infuriated

we went to eat at the mussel guys in vivocity. 45 minutes after ordering, we were still yet to serve our soup. when we checked on our order, the waiter disappeared and came back only to tell us to 'wait'. and this was before after i practically did astar jump to get their attention.

when the soup came, it was bad bad bad. like yuck water.

then after 20 minutes or so, nothing else came. so i told the waiter if the food doesn't come any time like NOW, i'm leaving. so he told me to 'wait'. now i know why he is a waiter.not waitor.

so after a long time, i asked to see the 'manager' and told him i wanted the bill fo rall that i've eaten and i want it 'NOW'. and he said ok...'wait'. then i said, 'no more waiting'.

so a few seconds later, i found myself standing infront of the managing director and i related the whole story to him while he just listened, all the time counting money and then issuing me the bill a few minutes later. he mumbled an apology and when i saw the bill i told him there was no way i was going to pay the 10% service charge. to his credit, he removed that from the bill. still with no apology. so there. good riddance.

don't judge us!!

the 1st xin: hmm maybe my parents should have called me dar..then i'll be dar ling.
-smiles to self-

the other xin: and my parents should called me sai. then i wouldn't be so constipated.

-stops smiling to self-

her surname is Pang.

and He adds on

Isaiah 45: 8

Shower O heavens, from above
and let the clouds rain down righeousness;
let the earth open, that salvation and righteousness may bear fruit
let the earth cause them both to sprout;
I the Lord have created it

Verse 13:

I have stirred him up in righteousness,
and i will make all his ways level
he shall build my city
and set my exiles free
not for price or reward,
says the Lord of Hosts.

the God of small things.

first You wrote my name in the sky with the clouds and watched me grow. The clouds bearing my name got heavier as I grew in You. Then one day, despite my wishes, You rained me down as I was too heavy for the sky that was once my home. I fought but You promised a second return and to watch out for a surprise.

I fell down like blinding rain, onto the cold harsh ground of mud and grime. Little did I know that while I was up there in the clouds, You'd toiled the land and made it fertile and ready for me, to take root in various forms and bud flowers and be exceedingly fruitful.

I seeped into the deep foundations of the earth and hated the mud. I was now a murky brown and there was not a shade of heaven in me. I stayed in the ground grumbling not realizing the magic that was taking place.

and the magic took place. buds formed, flowers bloomed, trees surged towards the heavens. the whole place was now a forest abuzz with life and vitality, echoing Eden, Your original masterpiece.

Soon, i realized You saw a forest in the empty desolation. You who called the light out of the darkness saw the effects tied to the causes. You saw the life in me that I could give to multiply for You. and for that reason, I was rained down that You might harvest the beautiful forest of fine trees clapping their hands at the sound of Your name.

I gladly rejoiced with them but now I'm no more. I've returned home as a vapour and joined the great 'cloud' of witnesses to cheer them on, to run the race not only for the prize.

what i really want now

i just saw the wedding photos of a secondary sch friend and i just cried and cried.I was never close to her so i knew very little and it really isn't about the the skills of the photographer if you know what i mean.

I've seen so many wedding photos and but hers really has a light and a touch of heaven to it. i want mine to be like that too...it's no use getting the best photographer when there are no 'God' moments to capture.

gah. i wish them a lifetime of blessings in Him.

**
i wished i knew how to trust and i wish i could stop myself from wondering how things will ever fall into place.

it's not that i think about it all the time but i try not to think about it a good part of the time and that itself is tiring.

it beats human logic to know how it'll fall into place seamlessly and beautifully when we have such busy schedules and life is sometimes not friendly. but even if it means walking on the tight rope, i'll walk together with him and Him. and really,i do have it all in place. so my motto is: everything is in place as long as you have decided on the groom and the God who will chair the wedding and direct the marriage.

and sometimes the reminder of that alone is enough to remind me how blessed i really am.

this moment, iwish i could accelerate things and fly to dec 27th with him. never mind the frills and the picture perfect settings on the humongous guest list. i think even if it was so simple, as long as its with Him and him, it's more than everything i asked for.

it was never those things that made any wedding beautiful but the couple and the God behind the couple who authored their story. i don't have any grandiose ideas of the perfect wedding or marriage. (infact, many friends are startled at how little i care about these things. so i'll appreciate flower and dress advice!) i'm just thankful it's going to happen ( eeks. that sounded desperate)i'm just glad and all charged up to march into thisnew chapter of our lives as we covenant ourselves together in Him.

after all that we've weatherd and overcome, i'm brimming with excitement to start the new journey. the challenges may have wearied me for agood part and threatened to shipwreck my faith but now i'm good to go, soar and conquer.

it's going to be beautiful i assure you. today we already had one of those 'married fights' on whether to put coconut milk in the curry (i refused to have it added). i don't know what the future holds and sometimes it seems intimidating but i've got a good companion for life who is a soulmate, comrade, believer. and a very faithful God.

and that there'll be two pots of curry, of course.

iron will sharpen iron and sometimes i'll sulk and grouch and God forbid, scream. but we'll work it through like we always did. always will by the sheer grace of God and His wisdom. i've often joked that God gave me a woodblock but how not to when He started of as acarpenter. this is not the end product yet and soemtimes he gives me splinters but i must say 'good job!' to my dear Lord Jesus.

he has been everything i asked for and more.

and for you who is of little faith. do not mourn for isaac. God is not done with me.

cny 2008. a year of firsts and lasts.

This particular CNY was unique for many many reasons.

-my last ang pow-collecting new year. and my relatives didn't fail to remind me that. what surprised me was comments such as ..

"remember to bring baby next year so you can still collect ang pow!" (to which i am thinking, marrying in dec, how to churn out baby by feb?)

am actually quite excited about being able to give ang pows. am ok with the idea and will not be one of those who 'escape' to another country to avoid that. hopefully it stays that way.

-i literally ate round the clock coz i was quite very happy. i even participated in the cooking..

i have the best pineapple tarts in town (from baker's well), i loveee abalone and i have many goodies from isaac's mum.=)

mum made delicious 'b*ddh* jumps over the wa11' (surprise!) but since we're chr157ians, we decided to change the name. (lest i offend when pple randomly google)

and i suggested.. ' b jumps over the wa11 and ended up with many balukus" (if you look at him, you'll understand)

name change of dish however was suspended.

-isaac joining us for like every single reunion meal. we had three... praise God. i thought he nearly couldnt make it. grandparents on all sides were very happy to have extra grandson.

can't imagine what my next cny will be like. tryingto get from place to place to place via public transport. having like the number of places to visit thriple( or more!), preparing ang pows etc.

miss mummy already. i wonder if she'll still let me camp home from time to time...

true success

True success is multi-faceted and carry many dimensions and never just
about one person. And any suggestion that it is mutually exclusive
froma loving God who gave salvation through the death of his only son is
from the jeolous one, who is hungry for company in hell.

If there is only a singular dimension, it is a counterfeit and a false
distraction sent from the epitome of pride himself-satan. It keeps our
eyes on us and never on Him when we see Him, we ride on his strength
and being the loving God that he is with his heart full of mankind, it
will always affect others positively and effect change for good. It will
not compromise the interests of others. It will not devalue the
intrinsic intangible aspects of life such as health,joy,peace of mind.

Do not be deceived in this bottom line driven world. The values that
the world offers is very very inferior. All things are possible thru Him.
You can be a success in every area of life because you were destined
for it by virtue of the cross. Just follow Him.

I want to be successful. I have a huge thirst to be successful and I
know I want nothing less than His best. And I've since learnt that his
idea of success always includes a platform to affect lives for good. For
people to have a chance to meet a dimension of Him. Just as the
nature of the true source of success, remember that success is never one
dimensional.

In short, sucess is never about 'me' but 'we'.

lost a screw

past two weeks have been quite a pain to get through and i'm proud and glad to be here standing with a 'v' victory sign!*glee*

and i've realized that God truly does have a sense of humour coz he made me. i want to be sophisticated and cool and no matter how hard i try, turn out to be the exact opposite.

many of you already know the different shoes on different foot and related sagas. the latest is walking around with a comb in my head. the one time i attempted to comb my hair, i forgot to complete the process.

also, i continue to trip over air amongst other things.

**
belle's going back today. i can't say it's back coz thats not home. at least i don't want her to call it home.

it's far away in some ulu part of melbourne, it's almost part of the wildlife reserve. i get sad thinkingabout her alone in some tiny shoebox living amongst the wild animals. i would be so terrified if i see a butterfly or a spider. but she manages well and even cooks for herself. i am very proud of her. i can always count on her to feed people.

my only regret for her most recent visit back to Sg is that i didn't have time to stingray or crab with her or her family. it is her family who hold (fond)memories of me cleaning the crab out ...every morsel of meat so that the crab doesn't die in vain. and this is the familywho always generously feeds me in times past. i haven't eaten a proper stingray since steve irwin died but too late, stingray buddy has gone back and mei ling is just useless in that aspect coz she clears out the sambal and that is just on fun.

besides, belle actually eats slower than mei ling so i have time to eat my fill. enough said.

but i love mei ling too because she makes me laugh and feel better abt myself. belle has said that she can always count on us to still be able to have room in our stomachs at anytime of the day. and that makes me feelbetter becausei feel like in gluttony, there is mei ling for company.

and yesterday when i lay in bed laughing at myself (another strange self indulgent practice) at the silly things i do, ie. end upwalking in centrepoint with different shoes , a thought of mei ling came and i laughed even harder, all by myself and God. my friends bring so much joy.

she used to give tution to little kids because she is so smart andp atient. then once, after tution, she walked down one level fromthe apartment block to the lift landing only to realize she left her shoes at the student's house. so she was happilybarefoot trotting home.

i love my friends. they make me feel good abt myself in different ways.

*names have not been changed to protect privacy.

oh yes, goodbye ah belle. if financial miracle happens, i'll hop over to see you. if it doesn't, fly back for my wedding. i'll kick and scream like a brat if you don't show.<> sorry i was unable ot make more time this time around but i'm thankful for the times we had. =)

**
also, i learnt to cook one dish. so isaac will not need to go hungry and overdose on msg when we get married but can come home to piping hot home cooked food! he doesn't have to starve!! but he'll just have to learn to cope with eating one dish for the rest of the year (until i pick up another one)and the same girl for the rest of his life.

for this i can only exhort him to hold on to the word of God and be strengthened by the might of the Holy Spirit.

"call upon me in the day of trouble and i will deliver you"
"my grace is sufficient for you"

and in conjunction with the latest season of American idol, i conclude by being seacresty...

"OUT!"

Babybjörn Pingpong

my world is too big

i have bever been a good planner. i have never successfully hosted a party or even planned a day well. i'm impatient and i'm the kind who settles for the first possible vendor. not scout around for the best. i just want chop chop fast fast. and i'm being bombarded by suggestions left right center. and i just came back from KL. for once, i'd like to remain in kl.

and now i have to plan the single most important event in my life and it's very very scary.

i wanted a lunch reception buffet thingy and i thought it'll be a small cosy affair that requires coordination not months of meticulous planning. my family assured me that with just less than 10 cousins in total from BOTH sides, things shdbe kept relativelysmall. but small is relative. because apparently i have a lot of relatives (pun fully intended). latest count is *drumrolls* : 250 and counting.

i may have less than 10 first cousins but half of singapore is a 2nd cousin. then we must also adopt a global view and not just invite relatives who are in singaore. but from overseas. *Faints*.

but mum is very reassuring "no problem, still small enough tohave buffet"

so dear folks, i'm going to set the record for the world's longest buffet line at this rate. don't think church camp. think guiness records..because isaac has 10 uncles and aunties on just ONE side and they all have a few chidren each.

maybe i shd make it potluck.

dust

it's 6.17 am and i've been awake for an hour because of a throat infection. it feels like blades in my throat and i'm in great pain. am upset because i feel mocked and defeated. but i'm going to press on for victory and i know it's a matter of time my God does more than silence my oppressors.

on a separate note, i don't know if this is anything close to a quarter-life crisis but when i do a headcount of the people i love and share a deep affinity with, the numbers keep dwindling. and upon that revelation, i get very very sad.

granted, there is more quality gained than quantity lost but i can't help but still ache somewhat. i've been told that this is a natural passage of life as 'people come and go' . if this is true, i'm not getting used to it and i find it so hard to accept.

these days,i'm getting messages from people that i used to be so close to whether in childhood, adolescence or young adulthood that are so indicative of the fact that yes, we've grown apart and yes, it was so good, yes, i missed those times but i'm too lazy to update you about my life. one recently said 'thank you for the childhood memories'. another reaffirmed that i was still cared for and remembered (somewhat) in a special way. everything in past tense. bah!

i don't even know howto feel and vascillate between being comforted that i have the assurance that i was (note: past tense) an integral part in their lives and heartache knowing that these people who shared so much of my life with are now gone.

when these things come all at the same time, i get very very weighed down. i can't help but feel so ...discarded. i understand the demands of our lives and time and that meeting up frequently is impossible. and i'm not asking to be best friends again but what i'd appreciate is that a little update on the impt events in ur life. just so there is a semblance of keeping in touch.yes, all to assuage my insecurity and neuroticsm

perhaps they don't know i still care.

God has a sense of humour...

when He made us friends and now colleagues. it's like sense and no sensibility. obviously i'm sense.

so while pondering about what we should dress up for the company d&d....(btw, the theme is movie night or something like that)

me: let's dress up as characters from...
together: mulan/moulin rouge!!

clearly, despite the same pronunciations for the first word, it's very very far apart lah. it's east and west and they just refuse to meet. you must have a mental image of the whole situation to understand the hilarity of it.

we threw out ideas of being mushu coz its dragon which is super unheavenly creature.(unlike unicorn) and toyed with the idea of being a horse...(the one that mulan takes to battle)..ieshe can be the back of the horse and i'll be the front etc etc.

i hate to say this but i think moulin rouge is more feasible, achievable and we'll eventually end up going with her idea.

*hmphs*

Incase you're wondering..

i survived it. i'm still here.

i'm inhaling in 2008 and exhaled 2007 successfully. i still can't believe it was over. it's so surreal.

it's like the feeling i get when i board a plane. because i lose my bearings mid air and the clouds give no indication to where i really am and neither the plane gives any indication that i'm actually moving FORWARD, i feel so weird when i land on foreign soil and find myself in another timezone.

gulp.

Clay Aiken-Everything i have

The thing about this song is that it doesn't profess vain love with vain grandiose promises but a simple faith that whatever is available is yours.

I feel like I never measure up to who you see
Sometimes I think I can't give you all the love you need
You keep changing everyday
Amazing me in everyway.

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have
I never dreamed I could ever feel the way I do
I hope and pray I will always be enough for you
I can only do my best
I have to trust you with the rest
I promise I will hold you through the changes and fears
When life seems unclear
And when I can't be right there with youI know there's angels by your side

crossing over

2007 attests greatly to His faithfulness. but i'm ready to bid it farewell.

i didn't think i'd have survived it.

2008 will bear fruition to all the prayers sowed in 2007, testifying to His eternal goodness and faithfulness.

Faithfulness now takes on a new dimension to me. In the past, it has to be the result of constant breakthroughs as and when i wanted them, according to MY timing. today, faithfulness is an undying devotion to me inspite of me. Faithfulness is standing by me, not forsaking me and proving Himself true to me. and i finally learnt that the breakthroughs are only but a by-product and not the epitome of faithfulness.

and i learnt to bide His time, discern His seasons appointed for my life. and that no vain effort of mine shall prevail against His when i live in complete surrender. i can confess and proclaim all i want but if its not time, its not time. and He knows best when to bring about the plans to fruition. I can plan all i want but it'll all be in futility. the best course of action that i've since learnt is to throw it all into His hands and live with all abandon in pure undiluted trust.

i've found myself at places with people that didn't seem right and resisted it with all my might only to realize it is His will and there was a purpose to be accomplished, something good for me to uncover, a special reward from Him awaiting. have been so deceived by what I see i nearly missed out on His plans for me.

i'm ready for 2008. i'm not hiding under my bed this time but i'll be ushering the new year in with my arms raised in thanksgiving and praise. it's been often said that we should count our blessings. i can't do that when i'm enraptured by Him and enveloped in the essence of Him.

i don't know what 2008 spells. for the world, for me. and the only confidence i have is that He'll be there with me and isaac. and that's enough for us.

who remembers this?vitamin C- graduation song (friends forever)

I don't know why this is here. please don't shoot me especially for those of you who are age-sensitive. it's funny and cute and it got me smiling (yes, to myself)


it's almost 2008. listen to this and go back to 1999 for awhile and reflect abit. laugh and have a happy new year!

Here are the lyrics:

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25

(*GAH IT'S NEXT YEAR)
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of the night in June
I Didn't know much of love, but it came too soon
And There was me and you, and then it got real blue
Stay at home talkin' on the telephone and
We would get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

Chorus:
As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, from whatever
We will still be, friends forever

So if we get the big jobs and we make the big money
When we look back now, will that joke still be funny?

*(Re: fortune cookie joke)
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

*Repeat chorus*

La, la, la, la; yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la, we will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

merry christmas

the parallels are so uncanny. life has a way of being unoriginal and replaying part of yesterday's scripts in today's scene.

i despise that. i want a fresh new reason to know why inspite of the different factors, the outcome is still the same. i don't want a recycled jumble of excuses to spell my verdict. i'm more than that and i've refuted the same reasons before.

it's finally christmas. christmas this year must be the hardest to reach ever. usually it just flies by and plops me there on christmas morning. this year, i trudged through mountains and crossed plains to reach here only to realise that when you take out of Christmas, which i did because i was so caught up with everything else, that it is really an empty meaningless excuse to be home.

i feel like my heart is worn out by weariness and i marvel at how i'm still here. my soul is so shredded by setbacks and empty words that i'm just ready to collapse and once again, take the first flight out at the earliest notice.

i'm tempted to blame me again but today i see another side of the picture. that not everything is about me, even the problems. and strangely inspite of the problems and the lack of resolution, i feel a deep relief that is just exhilarating. like i've been set free from an inner prison.

entertaining random thoughts to go and be God's lone-ranger warrior princess. the only claim i have to this island is now all but a pink identity card. a faded card. my ties are cut so loose i'm ready to fly. i'm all for flying but only with the purpose of finding somewhere to call home, take root and settle. not fly around aimlessly. i want meaning. i don't want this going around in circles of head any step more in this journey to nowhere. i want a destination. life might be about enjoying the journey but i need more than a pitstop. and if i can't find my way home, i want to make a home.

and home should be where i'm appreciated, celebrated and welcomed. i have a vague idea of what that is. i've had it.

21st december

21st december
this day holds a lot to me. nothing special or spectacular but many years ago, i decided that the sound of 'twenty first' goes well with the sound of 'december' on my tongue and decided to 'adopt' the day .

so, since 2000, i tried to make the day special for me. from planning parties that flopped big time to just having precious 'me' time or 'us' time, i always tried. I also take time to do a yearly inventory check on my life on this day. to me, this is the point in the roller-coaster ride that you hang vicariously on top before you roll downwards at superfast speed and end the ride. The ensuing 11 days before the year ends will fly by and i'll find myself at the start of the queue all over again, waiting to start a new ride.

this year i didn't expect it so spend it like this. for the uninitiated, i've had a week of MC. don't feel sorry for me because good came out of it. although i felt drained and its been said that theres not a hint of color in my face and i was literally gasping for breath, God had me. i was God's captive audience and He had my full attention. whether i was concious /unconcious, i pretty much spent it in bed. a short walk from room to kitchen left me quite breathless. apart from going to the doc's, i haven't been out of the house since sunday. today i tried to get some fresh air and sun..and i returned green in the face.

yes, 21st december. 2007 has brought me to places i've never been and could never imagine being. i don't know how and when exactly it happened but i found myself here and i'm thankful.i know 2008 holds so much more and i'm excited but scared that i'm not ready for it. that it'll be too much for me. i'll need so much more wisdom (from managing my time, relationships, money and health).i'll need to know so much more, learn even more at a faster rate and when the world is in a whirl, i gotta close my eyes and allow myself to be teleported to his heavenly throne to find grace in time of need.

this year, i've taken the plunge from heights i've never ventured and found myself soaring on His wings, taking me further into the sun. i've had my disappointments, pains and by God's grace moved on. i've allowed myself to die manytimes more than any other year, to my own ambitions, my own inhibitions and my own rights.

most of all i confronted the reality that i lived 24 years. and i'm ready to emerge from His quiver and head for the bull's eye. the sharpening has been painful and long but now i'm good to go. my heavy weights that tie me down to lesser things are dropped and i'm good to go.

last night i had a dream and i was young again, a sprightly (stupid) teenager again at the threshold of her life. i struggled again, laughed again, loved again, squealed again. then i woke up to being 24 and i realized that i can stop blaming me. that even though empowered with the prerogative of history, i couldn't stop myself from going through that journey and making those specific choices i often count as regret.

given that level of wisdom at that time, i did the best i could. maybe the journey was ordained- but this i can't verify until the last day. whatever it is, now i can heave a sigh of relief and be at peace with myself. coz i revisited the 'me' then, had a chance to do it all over again and didn't do it differently because apart from God, i just didn't know better.

i suspect God allowed that dream for me to reconcile with 'me'. so that i'll be less harsh on my foolishness and see that inspite and despite, He prevailed as the Saviour, master and nothing, not even my foolishness can interfere with His plan for my life

postponed, indelible.

i can almost see 2008. i promised myself to savour the last bits of 2007. i think i have to change that to savour the last weekends of 2007. at least unlike previous job, i don't have to work on weekends.

was telling the favourite colleague that i need a break and will probably take some leave to have some 'me' time in Jan. either just a breather to recharge or duck away for a quick holiday. don't ask me why i said 'duck away'. same reason why i call nutcases nutcrackers.

then over the course of the TWO ensuing days after the 'i need a break' comment, i have had emails/phonecall and various other miscelleneous stuff falling from god-knows-where and locking dates into my 2008 JANUARY calendar.

now, i can't find a decent empty pocket of time to take a break.

next break scheduled: march 2008.
**

as it is, i'm already anti-social and reclusive. lately, i've been reminded of many unpleasant 'people' experiences and i just suddenly want to retreat from civilization.

it's been said too often to not place your expectations of people but on God. coz He's the only one that can't fail you and don't be too surprised when people do. but who on this earth can simply have no expectations ?nothing minimal?

i'm guilty of failing too many expectations myself. in every role.

ie. you'd expect that friend to care. that friend to stay in touch. that friend to ask. that friend to remember and that friend to not break a promise.

and it doesn't happen. and then you wonder why and conjure up all sorts of reasons to explain it. and the only time you stop wondering is when you have 1)amnesia 2) you've written the person off and lost all hope.

i don't want to be a cynic. i just want the peace of mind knowing that yes, while i might feature no where in your life anymore or have a reduced importance, we had glorious days of fun and laughter. and be grateful for your presence in my life, albeit in a history that can only be accessed by memory. therefore, no mind games to wonder why 1) i had to hear about your wedding when your mother invited through my mother. 2) you are aloof 3) you don't bother 4) when i realized that i never realized that a year into the 'new' phone, i still don't have your number.

your future and present will not feature me. and i don't even have the honor of an eulogy to be marked in your hall of fame. but my name, it'll be there when the credits roll. i will be the artefact of a history that is celebrated but uncontactable. an indelible memory. unless alzheimer/amnesia strikes. (hurhur)

it doesn't take physical death to bid farewell. its the unsaid goodbyes that are truly tragic. whether it's a missed opportunity or completely unrealized. relationships transcend beyond time and space and even death. it's the demise of a friendship that was once so glorious and the divorce of knitted souls that require true mourning. and yet nobody ever does, even when resurrection is not a promise.

Star awards 25th year.

my mum is expressing deep regret for making me learn piano when i had clearly zero interest instead of singing. because while watching some star awards show, she just realized that i can sing themesongs of drama serials as far back as 1984.i cannot be more than a year old then.i remember EVERY single line of the lyrics. (somewhat) i also don't know how.

so, if anyone wants to duet the Unbeatables (FIRST INSTALMENT ONLY), you know the number.

**

i seem to be echoing another friend but i'm very tired. i can't even see the soonest possible time i can actually take a break.

and i still struggle with pretty much the same problems with work thoughts haunting me through what's supposed to be my sleeping hours.

am most desperate for a break. for a breakthrough.

i don't know how much of this i can take.

Grey

it's the strong themes. and the magic in every line that cuts into my soul.

i have nothing in common with any character. i'm not supposed to be able to relate to them but somehow i do. I probably am more similar to Phoebe of Friends that any other character I even know. or as Facebook says, Chandler.=/

anyways, the bottom line is i'm hooked to Grey's anatomy. It makes me think. hard.

Evidences of You

I feel your breath in the gust of wind
I see expressions of your blessings in the heavy afternoon shower
I see the sun, a shadow of your glory
In the thunder, I catch a glimpse of your majesty
In the snow, I remember your redemption

Remember me this way

i'm trying to figure out why and make sense of things.

So many obstacles hold a desire hostage. And i don't have what it takes to pay a ransom. It's a promise issn't it? so why.

Sometimes i don't know how i end up where i am. maybe it was a combination of impulse, guts and just a drive that spurs me on endlessly, i find myself thrusted strongly with directions and no destination in sight.

i just go on and on. and i refuse to stop either. it's either i take a different or i just keep going on until i arrive. what its decided is that i can never be a different me.

i'm tempted to take time, lock myself up and cry. but that's too much of an indulgence in the flesh that i can't afford. i love throwing pity parties that lead to nowhere but further into the pit of delusion.

thought about death in the light of the tragic accident in cambodia that claimed 5 lives. 5 promises. 5 ...

it's not morbid. it's sombreing. if life ended tmr, what legacy will i leave? how will you remember me? i've decided i'd rather fade into oblivion in any memory that be stalled in a hall of fame of 'insignificants, notorious, just plain loony'.

I'm thinking of possibilities and judging from various sources, this is probably how it'd go :

you'll remember me to be the one who made you insanely happy then made you insane.
you'll remember me as the friend, possibly the only friend you'll ever have who can eat as much as you.
you'll remember me as the friend who whines, has strange moodswings.
you'll remember me for breaking your heart.
you'll feel guilty at the thought of me. because you were a meano.
you'll remember me for not keeping a promise. that i forever let you down.
you'll remmeber me for a shared childhood of sleepovers, giggles and sharing secrets of various crushes.
you'll remember me for being the reclusive daughter.
you'll remember that i don't mince words. yes is yes, no is no.
you'll remember being embarassed by my 'antics' that i call behaviour programmed into my dna
you'll remember that i'm the least tech savvy person in this generation.
you'll remember my secrets. and seeing through my soul, led you to a land of both rainbows and darkness.
and you you you will go huh?who? at the mention of me.


and because of the above. so i've decided, i'd write my own epitaph, my own eulogy and nominate someone to read it. and never go dragon boating.