Loss

Loss- I can only imagine how excruciating the pain is as I draw from a distant memory.

More critical at hand and cliche as it might be is celebrating the good that once was before death knocked and claimed one for his increasing brood.

Being thankful for the good that was and the legacy left behind and guard the memory from being defiled by the tragedy of the loss.

Let nothing overshadow the good inspite of grief and pain.

Walk on, soldier on.

Rooting for you and you.
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silenced

Screaming inside but can't be heard.

Leehom Wang - EVERYTHING

Quite a tear-jerker .

Mid afternoon ramble

I gave the domestic helper permission to clear out a good chunk of ''artefacts'' from the house. Mostly expired cosmetics but it was momentous nonetheless as I have always been a hoarder. Strangely, I do not feel any more or less liberated or any sense of loss. Many things in life, not just those, are plain superfluous and I wouldn't have batted an eyelid even if they had been gone.

I feel the loss of many other things though. Namely, my unrealized dreams. The same ones that was birthed too long ago and never abated no matter how hard life gnawed at them. The loss of friendships and family.

Life isn't over and neither is Jesus back so the verdict is not out on the former. There's still hope and a glimmer of chance of many of it but I won't mull too much over it in the meantime. It takes too much from me and only results on disappointment and drained mental resources. I think about what I really feel about some people and how I've had to disguise my immense disgust for some of them because of this imagined social protocol. Maybe if death is certain or if Jesus is indeed coming back in the next hour and I can outrun their schemes and flying daggers, I'll deliver a cathartic speech in their face detailing how utterly horrible they are.

Eg.
1) " YOU WERE A VERY VERY LOUSY FRIEND"-then at that point, shit must fall from the sky and land precisely on said person's head.
2) "YOU ARE A VERY LOUSY PERSON" -then at this point, said person must be swallowed up in a quicksand of dung.
3) "YOU STINK"-after I stand a far off which the N95 mask while shit is engulfing said person
4) "I hope you fall into a really really filthy manhole!"
5) "You have a nice hide, ugly heart''

Ok nothing vehemently fierce. But I'm already grinning at the thought of it and how their faces would contort in disbelief. But before they even come up with a comeback, dear Lord, please have me raptured!

God remembers

A random call from a friend reminds me that God , inspite of the crisis in Japan and middle east, remembers me.

Tiny, insignificant me.

Retirement

Haha. Joanne and I were talking about the high cost of living and we are contemplating retirement options.

So far they are:
Malaysia
Vietnam
Cambodia
Thailand
China

Whoopee. Deflated laugh.

Too young

British man on the phone said I sound too young.
French company senior manager said I look too young.
I'm getting this too often and I thought that at the right old age of 28, I would have gotten past that.

Thanks for looking past my eye bags and focusing on my ample cheeks that apparently is the only determinant of youth. Never mind that I secretly feel like I'm 50 and wearied out by life. My age is well disguised by cheeks and the voice.

Dark sense of foreboding

A call this late at night especially when it's coming from a land 3 hours ahead cannot be good. His family in Australia has tried to reach us at our homeline a few times, leaving messages on both our home line and his personal mobile. I tried to wake him up but he can't be woken up even at the prospect that it 'might be' urgent. On one hand, I fear that if it really isn't urgent, he'd be so furious. He has been very worn out physically and needs to get all the sleep he needs and they tend to be nocturnal and not respect normal humane rest hours. However, what if it is very urgent? What if something happened and he needs to book the first flight out? My normal pessimistic streak kicks in and I can't help imagining the worse. I've never had good news come in the form of late night calls at my HOMELINE. I hope everything is ok. I try to read the smses and they seem pretty calm for urgent messages. I might be over-reacting. As always. Let's hope it can wait till tomorrow. ** In other news, it seems like since I've made the decision to wind up the business, business has shot up. I get all sorts of orders and customer enquiries. Now now. God, please be very clear.

謝天華&徐子珊-我等你(洪武三十二 插曲)

This is the cantonese song that has been on repeat mode. Ironically , it sounds a lot like Planet Shakers' ''Beautiful Savior''. Hmm.

One day I will...

Go surfing
Parallel park without help
Visit xi an, revisit Hangzhou and many other Chinese cities.
Really go to the grand canyon
live in hong kong

My condensed bucket list for now.

For now, I still have bills to pay, a business to run, housework to do, sleep to catch up on.

Hmm

Proverbs 17:24

"Sensible people keep their eyes glued on wisdom, but a fool's eyes wander to the ends of the earth.

Orphan

Met my mum briefly to collect work stuff. I cannot even begin to describe how wretched and sad I feel while walking away. She is her usual self, trying to pretend nothing ever went wrong. I hate that about her but I understand it's her only coping mechanism. I couldn't bring myself to sit down for a drink with her because my emotions might spill over. Even as I walked away, I could barely stop myself from welling up in public and my shades served well to mask my emotions. I just wish she was a mum. She was never ready to be one. Even after 28 years. I wish she knew that I love her.

hong kong

What is it about this land that mesmerizes me in a way that I can't stop thinking about it? I really doubt it's really about the shopping and food. I have returned from trips with nothing because I didn't have time to shop. Each time I return to HK, I feel like I'm home. When I watch TVB, I almost ache like I'm pining for an absent lover. I don't have that many friends there, enough to fill up the dinner and dim sum slots of a 5 day trip but that's really it. So what really is the allure? The old beggars along the streets of Mongkok, the illegal immigrants caged up literally in inhumane cages in the slums or the haunting images of what I call the 'burnt' buildings housing so many trapped in a vicious cycle of poverty? The dichotamy and contrast of the very rich and the most destitute, co-existing in the same land? The seemingly soulless individuals that seem to live to eat and shop all day long and accumulate copious amounts of wealth that goes into tiny apartments half the size of my four room flat?These haunt me. I try my best to brush up on cantonese, in the event that if God and life does lead us there, I won't be left handicapped and struggling unable to communicate with anyone except the english educated. However, cantonese is by no means similar to mandarin. The script is different, the syntaxes and grammar are entirely different. Some words that appear in the cantonese daily speak do not have a corresponding mandarin word as well. TVB is my best tutor to date but even so, the progress is slow. Especially when I watch period dramas and the imperial speak is by no means close to the colloquail everyday language. I scrutinize the subtitles (that I can barely read) to guess the meanings. My knack of memorizing chunks of lyrics from cantonese songs also do not come in the least bit handy because really, no one speaks in the poetic verses of songs or have no tones in their speech. I really don't see it happening anyway anyhow. But I'm just going to keep learning. My only tutors now are unwilling unresponsive ones-TVB, Crystal Jade and Imperial Treasure waitresses and my learn cantonese 101 cds AND dictionaries. When will I see you again, dear HK? SIA just raised their airfares and I don't know how to endure the gruelling harsh treatment of Jetstar. But for you, I just might, spoilt as I am.

Mid day thoughts

Gripes: Cramps. Headache. And the teething. And people not replying emails.

Such common woe of earthly urban life. Just want to curl up in bed now and sleep the pain away. In the midst of the horribly mundane, I wonder where God is and what he is doing now.

Thankful to be meeting Cali tonight. We don't do this often enough. I miss the girls.

Was reading mgs forum last night and Some of the (really) old girls have seen each other through every stage of life. Graduations, marriages, some divorces, births and even deaths.

My closest friends have witnessed both my best and worst moments and we've gone through puberty, crushes, heartbreaks and the shock of adulthood together as we stand against the forces that so often try to crush our spirit and steal our joy. I hope for many more years to come and that we will march right into eternity with aplomb and grace.

Unknown Tongues. Does anyone have the interpretation?

Shrink wrapped unravel programme

It just dawned on me that if I do let myself go and be vulnerable again, I can actually feel beyond the usual menu of dread and expectation of disappointment. I can actually be very very happy even though I'm potentially setting myself up to be disappointed. The million-dollar question is: is it worth it? Looking back on the past few months, I haven't exactly had the best track record when it came to discerning people. I've proved to be a bad judge of character and this only heightened my reservations towards people. I don't mind sharing life experiences for the edification of others (if it helps) but I don't let others into my heart easily. Don't get me wrong, I do care and love but I've insulated my heart with so much material to fortify and 'cynicize' that I know that even if they disappoint me, betray my trust, turn out to be evil monsters in disguise...I won't mourn too much. I might beat myself up for being stupid for a few days (maybe weeks) but I'll be up and going again, heart intact the last I left it-a thousand pieces held together by glue and 'shrink-wrapped'. Pun fully intented. If I peel of the layers of shrink wrap, I'll run the risk of exposing the fragility to a whole gamut of emotions ranging from the very best to the worst of the worst. I'd be able to experience both heaven and hell within the confines of the same space, albeit at different times. I'll actually be alive. I have so many people in my life but so few, hardly any that I'm vulnerable with. There will always be that distance I keep emotionally with people so they don't come too near. My heart is like that Egyptian mummy in the British museum. Wrapped and embalmed for preservation but glassed up so that it remains visible but no one gets to come near enough to touch it. Even though it lies in plain view, it is not quite the same. The visitors stand a good metre away, to prevent contamination and damage. It is so delicate and so prone to damage. It has withstood the test of time and won the fight against utter decomposition. Nonetheless, it is still dead. Somewhat like me.

Teething adult

Fevers. Pain. Headaches. New empathy for teething babies who can't even express their pain apart from wailing.

How long more

The last 2 days have been harrowing and draining both physically and emotionally and I don't even know where to begin and how it will end.

I would think that to everyone, forgiveness of sins would sound like incredible good news only to realize for the upteenth time that some people are adamant that they have never done anything wrong and hence the cross was irrelevant and superfluous. What is truly incredulous is when you claim to accept the cross and now profess to be christian and now flagrantly continue in evil ways hiding beneath the cloak of self-righteousness and abusing the name of God which you represent.

I abhor the christian hypocrisy and pray that one day, God purges it out of his church and judge his own first before letting them flagrantly judge the rest of the world and send multitudes to hell. Instead of ushering the lost to the savior, many christians are stumbling others by living lives condoning sin in their lives via 'grace' while condemning sin in others' lives.

I am disgusted and disillusioned. It is an evil age I live in and I don't know how long more these get to triumph and seem to get the upper hand. How long more before God himself convicts and delivers? Judges and vindicates? How long more before their derisive laughter is silenced?
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Mondays

Dead beat.
Pooped.
Clinging on to trust You.

Reduced me to a huge puddle of goo and tears.