Not that I didn't see it coming. It was a slow treacherouos path that kept spiralling down and every single thing I did/didn't do resulted in my body's further protest for a break. It finally went on strike.
I wish I could garner a little more understanding, especially from the body that my precious soul is housed in. While I recognize that it is my sole responsibility to take care of it, it has to be fully cooperative in aiding me through the hike up. We need to come to a mutual consensus here.
I never had the strongest constitution and was a sickly kid who frequented A-class wards plastered with Mickey Mouse wallpaper. Every single time I turn green like Yoda (I don't know what's with the Star Wars allusion I'm so prone to these days ), I think to myself, 'ok, if these were your last moments, what now?" I still don't have the answers and thankfully, I didn't need them as yet. Adult-hood has however allowed me to try alot of new things and set new boundaries, to live life not incapacitated and held hostage by ill health. However, I seem to be back at square one today as a direct consequence of not heeding my body's plea to rest and just pay the sleep debt that has since compounded interest of up to like 200%.
I wonder how long more we (body and I) can take this. Even as my body is on strike, I am also staging a silent rebellion as I slowly lay me down to rest. I am indignant, still. I want to escape the confines and parameters set for me and experience so much more. I want to see, breathe life before XX years are up and I have to bid earth farewell for home.
It's a soujourner's tale. One that I haven't properly documented. But at this rate, my enemies might outlast me. It's a game of Survivor where you manouevere to outwit and outlast. It's a matter of providence, where we're all allocated a certain number of years to live. Cliche but true, it's not in the length and breaths we breathed but how fully we've lived it and how hard we've loved.
I think I've had a full life despite not seeing the Grand Canyon, Niagara falls, Colosseum etc. Maybe when the last moments do come, I'd just lie down, pretending it's a real bed of roses, smile and fall asleep.
"Don't think so much"-That's what they always say to me. This time I'll heed it.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Thursday, June 03, 2010
I am still alive.
I'm losing any trace of an audience but I'll keep this blog running. My frequency of posting entries has dwindled to a pathetic once a month and there are so many things to document but so little time.
It hasn't been a smooth ride but it's been plenty of laughter and comfort, all of which I'm extremely thankful for. I see His heart even when I don't see His clear fingerprints in every single thing. I wonder from time to time..'what now?' and vascillate between the temptation to stretch myself beyond belief (which is my natural disposition) or be so still I almost fossilize.
There has to be some form of moderation which I still endeavour to find. There's the mundane to get through and the exciting to live for. It's the perennial state of 'between the dreaming and coming true' that I find myself entrenched in all the time even though there's progress.
**
My friends think I'm Phoebe-Nancy Drew. An online facebook quiz revealed that I have severe Chandler Bing tendencies.
Disturbing eh?
I love my friends. They keep me laughing, make me cry, hold me up and show me that it's ok to be me. More than ok. Infact, they sometimes celebrate me even though they don't admit it. Love them so much. The older the better. Genuine stuff, cannot bluff.
It hasn't been a smooth ride but it's been plenty of laughter and comfort, all of which I'm extremely thankful for. I see His heart even when I don't see His clear fingerprints in every single thing. I wonder from time to time..'what now?' and vascillate between the temptation to stretch myself beyond belief (which is my natural disposition) or be so still I almost fossilize.
There has to be some form of moderation which I still endeavour to find. There's the mundane to get through and the exciting to live for. It's the perennial state of 'between the dreaming and coming true' that I find myself entrenched in all the time even though there's progress.
**
My friends think I'm Phoebe-Nancy Drew. An online facebook quiz revealed that I have severe Chandler Bing tendencies.
Disturbing eh?
I love my friends. They keep me laughing, make me cry, hold me up and show me that it's ok to be me. More than ok. Infact, they sometimes celebrate me even though they don't admit it. Love them so much. The older the better. Genuine stuff, cannot bluff.
Old wound
20 minutes ago, I relived the stung of a friendship gone terribly sour.
Without going into details on why it happened in the first place, I was taken aback by my own reaction at wanting to completely keep said friend out of my life for good as a natural defense against hurt. I had just had a fantastic evening with some other long-time friends laughing my heart out. I thought I'd put the matter away long ago and forgiven and for some inexplicable reason, the matter resurfaced, caught me off-guard and left tears welling in my eyes.
This simple reaction to the reminder of the hurt, whether intended or not was enough for me to clam up, shut out and shut down as a mode of internal defense to lock my heart in. I still don't know what I should do except that I've had so many other things to take my mind off it and it just naturally dropped off the chart of priorities over the course of time. Today however, I asked 'why' and found no answers. I went through possible motives like I'd go through a crime-scene when I go through an episode of law and order hoping to pick up on clues as to why it went wrong.
Yet I refused to admit it hurts. (Except in a domain where nobody patronizes) It's almost too 'weak' and it would show I cared too much in the first place. (But how could I not?)
But really, how could you not.
And there I go again, releasing hurt like venom. Ouch.
Without going into details on why it happened in the first place, I was taken aback by my own reaction at wanting to completely keep said friend out of my life for good as a natural defense against hurt. I had just had a fantastic evening with some other long-time friends laughing my heart out. I thought I'd put the matter away long ago and forgiven and for some inexplicable reason, the matter resurfaced, caught me off-guard and left tears welling in my eyes.
This simple reaction to the reminder of the hurt, whether intended or not was enough for me to clam up, shut out and shut down as a mode of internal defense to lock my heart in. I still don't know what I should do except that I've had so many other things to take my mind off it and it just naturally dropped off the chart of priorities over the course of time. Today however, I asked 'why' and found no answers. I went through possible motives like I'd go through a crime-scene when I go through an episode of law and order hoping to pick up on clues as to why it went wrong.
Yet I refused to admit it hurts. (Except in a domain where nobody patronizes) It's almost too 'weak' and it would show I cared too much in the first place. (But how could I not?)
But really, how could you not.
And there I go again, releasing hurt like venom. Ouch.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
A fork in the road
Had an extremely intense 'sliding doors' dream last night which is still haunting me many hours after I woke up.
In short, I questioned someone who seemed to know me very well if I'd chosen differently and waited, how would it really have been?
He pondered for a mere second before replying that I wouldn't. There was no room for me to have clung on, compromised on my convictions. The sum of me and all that I have been made up of would still weigh heavier than the temporal lure of the other options. And even IF I'd stubbornly refused to choose what is right and follow the lure of least resistance, somehow he knew God wouldn't allow it. That He would be gracious enough to either jolt me back or leave me with just one option. The initial display of two options is to expose my own inclinations to choose something outside than His perfect will for me and present an opportunity to rely on him, to make the right choice.
I never thought about it like that. I thought I'd chosen it and credited myself a bit too much for the good that has resulted and the bad that was averted because of the apparent wisdom of my choices. As if it'd been my own wisdom to begin with. Hindsight always provides 20/20 perfect vision but I still failed to see who prodded and guided me along.
Hours later after the dream, while I was mulling over it and asking God, He gave me this verse:
Psalms 25: 12-14
Who is the man who fears the Lord?
Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose
His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land
The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant.
thank You.
In time to come, I will be presented with a greater of palette of choices and come to other forks in the course that I'd travel. In fact, everyday will be a choice. And until my savior calls me home, I have to be reminded everyday that He is my choice and everyday, I choose to ''seek Ye first His kingdom and His righteousness'' before all other things.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
House keys
Has it really been 2 months already that I've had thoughts so fleeting that didn't settle long enough that I didn't document them here?
It's so weird how neither of our parents have our house keys but our friends do. I think that is a testament of many things-how much we trust them and most importantly, that they are family. By giving them our keys to our home, we've essentially given them free access into our hearts and lives.
These are not just people I laugh and cry with but have driven over during lunch break with lunch, drop it off and then leave quietly when I'm too sick to crawl out of bed. All without me asking. They've also anticipated that I'll most probably just call food delivery when I'm on the brink of starvation and that junk is the last thing I need in my stomach.
There are also the friends who have entrusted us with their keys. So we know how to let ourselves in and not wait in the corridor when they are late from rushing home from work. I'll then switch on the aircon, pour myself a glass of water and rest while I wait for them to return.
I guard those keys carefully, making sure never to lose them. And I know they do the same.
They will be people that will be the strongest colors in the tapestry of my life. They will be why I count myself rich.
Bless the Lord for these friends.
I love you all.
It's so weird how neither of our parents have our house keys but our friends do. I think that is a testament of many things-how much we trust them and most importantly, that they are family. By giving them our keys to our home, we've essentially given them free access into our hearts and lives.
These are not just people I laugh and cry with but have driven over during lunch break with lunch, drop it off and then leave quietly when I'm too sick to crawl out of bed. All without me asking. They've also anticipated that I'll most probably just call food delivery when I'm on the brink of starvation and that junk is the last thing I need in my stomach.
There are also the friends who have entrusted us with their keys. So we know how to let ourselves in and not wait in the corridor when they are late from rushing home from work. I'll then switch on the aircon, pour myself a glass of water and rest while I wait for them to return.
I guard those keys carefully, making sure never to lose them. And I know they do the same.
They will be people that will be the strongest colors in the tapestry of my life. They will be why I count myself rich.
Bless the Lord for these friends.
I love you all.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
It feels like God is late for His appointment with me.
He is always on time. I just ran out of patience having been bred in this society that values speed.
It's a dry spell and I'm not coping too well.
Even as I seem to be waiting on God, I have a nagging suspicion that maybe, just maybe, God is waiting for me too. Waiting for me to get it, to maybe just cultivate patience..waiting for me to wait through this (as ironic as it sounds) because waiting is necessary for growth.
Like the children of Israel in the wilderness, I spend much of my time wandering and wondering where I'm really heading or if I'm any nearer to the promised land. I question the motivations behind every single decision and spend much time berating myself for leaving the comforts of predictability and taking risks.
I'm such a wuss when it comes to life. I want to live big but it starts with dreaming big. I dare not run with the promises You gave because somehow I am convinced that it might all be a figment of my imagination, that there really was no such thing. I am more convinced of my tendencies to to be bizarre than God. Even though He has proven himself true every single time.
I need to dock and anchor to the unchanging hope. I need to believe that somehow I'm advancing, even though I don't see it. I need strength to trudge through the wilderness knowing it is the path to the promised land. I need patience to wait it out, even when all around me are barren deserts. I may be lost but I take comfort that I'm not out of Your reach.
Maybe it's what they call 'walking by faith and not by sight'.
I don't want to sit around and wait for another miracle and waste this wilderness experience when it is boring and mundance. There must be peace in the vessel even as we coast along these waters if the captain is on board.
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
John Waller-While I'm waiting
It's a dry spell and I'm not coping too well.
Even as I seem to be waiting on God, I have a nagging suspicion that maybe, just maybe, God is waiting for me too. Waiting for me to get it, to maybe just cultivate patience..waiting for me to wait through this (as ironic as it sounds) because waiting is necessary for growth.
Like the children of Israel in the wilderness, I spend much of my time wandering and wondering where I'm really heading or if I'm any nearer to the promised land. I question the motivations behind every single decision and spend much time berating myself for leaving the comforts of predictability and taking risks.
I'm such a wuss when it comes to life. I want to live big but it starts with dreaming big. I dare not run with the promises You gave because somehow I am convinced that it might all be a figment of my imagination, that there really was no such thing. I am more convinced of my tendencies to to be bizarre than God. Even though He has proven himself true every single time.
I need to dock and anchor to the unchanging hope. I need to believe that somehow I'm advancing, even though I don't see it. I need strength to trudge through the wilderness knowing it is the path to the promised land. I need patience to wait it out, even when all around me are barren deserts. I may be lost but I take comfort that I'm not out of Your reach.
Maybe it's what they call 'walking by faith and not by sight'.
I don't want to sit around and wait for another miracle and waste this wilderness experience when it is boring and mundance. There must be peace in the vessel even as we coast along these waters if the captain is on board.
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
John Waller-While I'm waiting
Sunday, February 14, 2010
i've cleaned out my ears!
what was said: raynard's going to be a dad
what I heard: dinner is going to be bad?
what was said: i'm going for lasik
what I heard: i'm going to malaysia
what was said: aloysius means warrior
what i heard: aloysius means boring
what was said: take this bread and eat (during holy communion)
what I heard: take this brandy
the sad thing is..i think there'll be more of such posts
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The battle rages on
The war's not won.
Last night I completely crashed into their arms. I was so weary from life and so tired from the treadmill that I've been running on. There were so many problems I felt I was unable to solve and the weight of the cumulative burden was just too much for my shoulders.
Isaac was really sweet in nursing my emotions and soul. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. Was so stressed he held me in his arms until he was sure I was asleep and then laid me down. Sleep was fitful so he held on to my hand as he laid beside me.
It's so much easier to be reclusive and withdraw myself to my own cave. I cannot imagine having to be 'normal' to attend the various gatherings attached to the upcoming festivities. For someone who insisted on being in Singapore despite the 4 day weekend/cum public holiday, I really wished I'd 'escaped' instead.
I wonder when these will all end. Because I am so depleted.
Last night I completely crashed into their arms. I was so weary from life and so tired from the treadmill that I've been running on. There were so many problems I felt I was unable to solve and the weight of the cumulative burden was just too much for my shoulders.
Isaac was really sweet in nursing my emotions and soul. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. Was so stressed he held me in his arms until he was sure I was asleep and then laid me down. Sleep was fitful so he held on to my hand as he laid beside me.
It's so much easier to be reclusive and withdraw myself to my own cave. I cannot imagine having to be 'normal' to attend the various gatherings attached to the upcoming festivities. For someone who insisted on being in Singapore despite the 4 day weekend/cum public holiday, I really wished I'd 'escaped' instead.
I wonder when these will all end. Because I am so depleted.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Why
This must the first impulse and response when things are inexplicable beyond belief and pain is ripping hearts apart.
The question haunts unrelentlessly with no respite or relief of answers.
But God can deliver a peace. It will not unknot the knots in my mind but it will placate my heart and give me strength to let it go/go forward. It will give me strength to not care why and move on after disappointment and hurt.
The question haunts unrelentlessly with no respite or relief of answers.
But God can deliver a peace. It will not unknot the knots in my mind but it will placate my heart and give me strength to let it go/go forward. It will give me strength to not care why and move on after disappointment and hurt.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Blind Side
Watched this some days ago and it's been awhile since I felt like every cent of my money was worth the ticket in a movie.
While it's not a perfect movie, it reignited the always present passion and fire to adopt, to give a home and be a home for an orphan.
I cried like from the 2nd minute all the way to the end and I cannot stop reading/watching interviews of both Michael and his adoptive family. I really cannot imagine where he'd have been if he wasn't found and taken in. He would never realize his own potential and most of all, never known love and that would have been the greatest tragedy of all.
They changed his world and he changed theirs. Both for the better. That's how it works. Loving will hurt and I'm sure there are many rough patches that are downplayed in the movie but that's what family is about. You hurt then love and then do it all over again. God grows us all this way.
Someday, we want to be a channel for such a great love to be poured forth. I've said it before in an entry too long ago that I'd rather be the home for an orphan than build a home for orphans. I can't change the world but I'd like to change the world of one child. Even if the child never turns out to have a diamond hidden within or appreciate all that was done. Even if. I'd like to have the purity of heart to just love without expecting.
And I'm praying the Lord expand us in every way to make that possible.
Like Leigh Anne said, "There are many Michael Ohers out there''. Sadly, I thought, there aren't enough Leigh Anne Tuohys out there.
And like Jesus said '' the harvest is plenty but the labourers are few''.
There are no orphans of God. Those who have lost their parents need to know God as their dad and have a family restored to them in His eternal kingdom. He sets the solitary in families.
Hallehlujah!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Coolie endeavour backfired.
Those who are in the know would expect a lengthy rendition of what actually happened today that left me looking like an abused kid at the foot of PWC building.
Was scheduled to pick up some leftover stock from a retailer at his shop in Erskine Road (Near Tanjong Pagar)> drove for an hour from Orchard trying to get there (encountering two ERPs on the way because I drove into Chinatown) and ended up market street carpark because I gave up looking.
Then walked there. Except that I shouldn't. Because I also tried to walk back in the scorching heat with 30 kg of goods with NO trolley. I perspired profusely, got severely dehydrated and my head started spinning. At some point, I pulled a muscle. And because the bags were so heavy, I have bruises everywhere from the shoulders to the wrists where the straps of the bags have been (yes the bags were like 6 kg each).
I was a miserable sight and to top it off, some stupid shenton way yuppie walked past and laughed and made a pathetic comment about my plight. I honestly wanted to attack him, if I had any strength left in me. I saw my reflection in some shiny pillar and collapsed at the foot of PWC building. I was red, completely flushed and my muscles were cramping. I'd been walking for 1 hour with the load. I was starting to see stars, my hands were shaking uncontrollably and nobody offered help, drink anything.
Husband rushed down to rescue me from work in a cab. Now I have muscle relaxants in my blood stream but I'm still awake from the ache/pain/bruises.
And to top it all off, parking there for two hours cost me $9.
I hate today and I'll never repeat this feat.
But in the words of Kel, "DONT ever do that again. IF you anything remotely heavy labour, please call Pete (her husband). Or else the friendship is on the line"
Am so touched. :'( but it is too late. I hope I'll have a slot at the Tui Na place/ Physio tomorrow.
Was scheduled to pick up some leftover stock from a retailer at his shop in Erskine Road (Near Tanjong Pagar)> drove for an hour from Orchard trying to get there (encountering two ERPs on the way because I drove into Chinatown) and ended up market street carpark because I gave up looking.
Then walked there. Except that I shouldn't. Because I also tried to walk back in the scorching heat with 30 kg of goods with NO trolley. I perspired profusely, got severely dehydrated and my head started spinning. At some point, I pulled a muscle. And because the bags were so heavy, I have bruises everywhere from the shoulders to the wrists where the straps of the bags have been (yes the bags were like 6 kg each).
I was a miserable sight and to top it off, some stupid shenton way yuppie walked past and laughed and made a pathetic comment about my plight. I honestly wanted to attack him, if I had any strength left in me. I saw my reflection in some shiny pillar and collapsed at the foot of PWC building. I was red, completely flushed and my muscles were cramping. I'd been walking for 1 hour with the load. I was starting to see stars, my hands were shaking uncontrollably and nobody offered help, drink anything.
Husband rushed down to rescue me from work in a cab. Now I have muscle relaxants in my blood stream but I'm still awake from the ache/pain/bruises.
And to top it all off, parking there for two hours cost me $9.
I hate today and I'll never repeat this feat.
But in the words of Kel, "DONT ever do that again. IF you anything remotely heavy labour, please call Pete (her husband). Or else the friendship is on the line"
Am so touched. :'( but it is too late. I hope I'll have a slot at the Tui Na place/ Physio tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
光良 - 少年
Although I don't totally understand every word of this song, it somehow reasonates in me.
Somehow, I think I respected myself more in my youth. It's almost like I was a more 'honorable' person then. Some thought I was brash but it just meant that I don't mince my words. Some thought I was stubborn but that same vehement refusal to compromise has saved me alot of heartache and reaped plenty of good for me. Some thought I was constantly living in rebellion, against social norms, corrupt authority perhaps. In spite of the angst, I managed to retain some semblance of innocence and genuinely believed in people until otherwise proven wrong.
I wonder how much of all that remains now.
Just passing by
Had a really great weekend.
young adult's gathering at the mitchell's. good fun and food and got to know some newbies. I also sorta signed up for the youth ministry. (daunting thought). It's funny how I'm one of the oldest there and some of the younger ones couldn't believe my age when I told them. They were like 'I can't believe you're so old!" haha. Oldest age guess was 22. I don't know if that's a good thing especially at work. Oh well, in time I'm sure that will be something I'll be thankful for.
Then there was David and jade's wedding, dinner with Simon and Tarryn etc. Was so nice to meet up with friends of old and laugh and laugh. Simon and Tarryn are amazing. They're such an inspiration to me and Isaac and it's always good to hang out with them. I'm so blessed to have such shining examples in my life. Another couple would be Pastor Michael and Esther who've been so kind to us too. Coincidentally, they're all caucasian...I wonder if God will send us an asian role model for marriage anytime soon.
And now we're busy trying to wrap up work, housework and pack for Bangkok!
Wanted to blog on my thoughts on marriage yesterday when I was sleepless but now those thoughts are in disarray. If they come back, I'll record them down here.
After Bangkok, we're speeding towards CNY. This bullet train of life never stops.
young adult's gathering at the mitchell's. good fun and food and got to know some newbies. I also sorta signed up for the youth ministry. (daunting thought). It's funny how I'm one of the oldest there and some of the younger ones couldn't believe my age when I told them. They were like 'I can't believe you're so old!" haha. Oldest age guess was 22. I don't know if that's a good thing especially at work. Oh well, in time I'm sure that will be something I'll be thankful for.
Then there was David and jade's wedding, dinner with Simon and Tarryn etc. Was so nice to meet up with friends of old and laugh and laugh. Simon and Tarryn are amazing. They're such an inspiration to me and Isaac and it's always good to hang out with them. I'm so blessed to have such shining examples in my life. Another couple would be Pastor Michael and Esther who've been so kind to us too. Coincidentally, they're all caucasian...I wonder if God will send us an asian role model for marriage anytime soon.
And now we're busy trying to wrap up work, housework and pack for Bangkok!
Wanted to blog on my thoughts on marriage yesterday when I was sleepless but now those thoughts are in disarray. If they come back, I'll record them down here.
After Bangkok, we're speeding towards CNY. This bullet train of life never stops.
Friday, January 15, 2010
new definitions
a good friend will forgo her eyelash perming session even though she claims to have seriously straight eyelashes to come and accompany you in your house just because something strange happened (ie. locked from inside).
a good husband will eat the food you cooked. no matter how bad it tastes and still be thankful for it.
a good cousin will offer (sorta) to help clean your house because Chinese New Year is round the corner and you don't have the best house-keeping track record.
Whee!
a good husband will eat the food you cooked. no matter how bad it tastes and still be thankful for it.
a good cousin will offer (sorta) to help clean your house because Chinese New Year is round the corner and you don't have the best house-keeping track record.
Whee!
!!!!
i told him that i feel i look quite stupid.
him: me too. it's ok
me:!!!you didn't even disagree!
him:no it's really ok, that's who you are but you aren't stupid what.
me: no!!!!
him: abit ditsy is ok..
SOMEONE TEACH HIM TACT 1101 without deleting honesty 9999.
him: me too. it's ok
me:!!!you didn't even disagree!
him:no it's really ok, that's who you are but you aren't stupid what.
me: no!!!!
him: abit ditsy is ok..
SOMEONE TEACH HIM TACT 1101 without deleting honesty 9999.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
my incredibly slow day.
The last few days have been sluggish. I could do more work if I wanted to but inertia got the better of me and I remained ...sluggish. I finished all my work related duties by 3pm and was heading home from a meeting by 330.
I took the time to read. Rest was elusive even though I really should be getting more of it considering I don't get much good sleep at night with the blocked nose and heart palpitations. It's been too long since I got my hands on a novel and I buried myself in the paperback that consumed my time and emotions. I found myself smiling along and then weeping buckets as I flipped the pages. In 2 days, I was done with the book. I must say there was a strange relief that came as I knew my emotions would now be released when they were previously held hostage. But now, I wondered how to kill the spare time during this lull. I know I should draft out a more concrete expansion plan and continue to do the daily (mundane) operational staff. I also need to plan for the two more retailers that are coming up and the expanding lines in March with existing ones but my mind seems to be a blank.
Well, semi-blank technically but nothing I want to elaborate about here.
I could have tried harder but there were many flashes to yesteryear, quite akin to the flashes of lightnings I see late at night during the monsoonal December month. It just strikes the random patches of emptiness in my memory and fizzes out after. I thought about people, and how I'd treated them. There were those I felt particularly guilty about and especially when my actions have made them very bitter and shakened the testimony of Jesus. I want to say sorry but have no opportunity to. So I pray even though it hurts that somehow, He'll help them to forgive me, to release themselves from this pain anchored so deep within their soul and enjoy life again.
On a brighter note, I also think about my marriage and how rare and what a good thing we have here. It's almost extinct and even though we have our rough patches and ups and downs, most of it is sweet and good. He is the best fit for me and I thank God he was chosen for me even when I didn't know how to choose. He allows me to celebrate life and I am eternally grateful for him.
I know I should probably savour these moments before I get busy again on friday. Next week, the work is going to step up again before I head off to Bangkok for the weekend. But it seems like I always feel guilty for just resting and relaxing. Gotta work on that lousy 'must-do-something-all-the-time' mentality. So typically asian though, must be in my genes.
So tomorrow, I'll be engaged in very mundane stuff. Laundry, cooking, tv, prayer (extended) and maybe reply all the emails that my friends overseas have sent. It's such a 'granny' routine and I'm glad I have Jesus for company.
Looking forward to Friday! Chris and Nicole will be back from south africa after like 12 weeks and i can't wait to see her new baby bump.
I took the time to read. Rest was elusive even though I really should be getting more of it considering I don't get much good sleep at night with the blocked nose and heart palpitations. It's been too long since I got my hands on a novel and I buried myself in the paperback that consumed my time and emotions. I found myself smiling along and then weeping buckets as I flipped the pages. In 2 days, I was done with the book. I must say there was a strange relief that came as I knew my emotions would now be released when they were previously held hostage. But now, I wondered how to kill the spare time during this lull. I know I should draft out a more concrete expansion plan and continue to do the daily (mundane) operational staff. I also need to plan for the two more retailers that are coming up and the expanding lines in March with existing ones but my mind seems to be a blank.
Well, semi-blank technically but nothing I want to elaborate about here.
I could have tried harder but there were many flashes to yesteryear, quite akin to the flashes of lightnings I see late at night during the monsoonal December month. It just strikes the random patches of emptiness in my memory and fizzes out after. I thought about people, and how I'd treated them. There were those I felt particularly guilty about and especially when my actions have made them very bitter and shakened the testimony of Jesus. I want to say sorry but have no opportunity to. So I pray even though it hurts that somehow, He'll help them to forgive me, to release themselves from this pain anchored so deep within their soul and enjoy life again.
On a brighter note, I also think about my marriage and how rare and what a good thing we have here. It's almost extinct and even though we have our rough patches and ups and downs, most of it is sweet and good. He is the best fit for me and I thank God he was chosen for me even when I didn't know how to choose. He allows me to celebrate life and I am eternally grateful for him.
I know I should probably savour these moments before I get busy again on friday. Next week, the work is going to step up again before I head off to Bangkok for the weekend. But it seems like I always feel guilty for just resting and relaxing. Gotta work on that lousy 'must-do-something-all-the-time' mentality. So typically asian though, must be in my genes.
So tomorrow, I'll be engaged in very mundane stuff. Laundry, cooking, tv, prayer (extended) and maybe reply all the emails that my friends overseas have sent. It's such a 'granny' routine and I'm glad I have Jesus for company.
Looking forward to Friday! Chris and Nicole will be back from south africa after like 12 weeks and i can't wait to see her new baby bump.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
reflections thus far
I tend to be extra reflective during the passing of a previous year or birthdays.
I really want to make my life count. If tomorrow were to steal my last breath from me, I want to know my last moments were spent doing something worthwhile. Even if it was just the mundane chores of life, that I did my best and I wasn't just waiting for another day to pass, for the seconds to tick by and not living the moment, whether in joy or sorrow.
Now, 25 seems like light years ago and 17 (oh gosh) was like another lifetime altogether. Someday I'll look back and 30 would seem young. And in a flash, I'd be at heaven's gate with my life displayed before me, either in praise for a life lived worthily for Jesus or at waste like the unfaithful servant who buried his talents and did no good with it, awaiting a greater judgment and the ridicule of regret.
At 17, I thought I'd be changing the world and living it up by 25. Now, I'd be happy to be able to change just that world of just that someone. (For the better of course) I can't even check that off my list and I can't help but get a tad sad at that.
I feel alone at this juncture of life with very few (if any) that share my thoughts, ideals and visions except the husband. But here am I, led astray by the cares of this transient world into the temptation to seek all for self, under the premise that it's ok as long as I somehow still keep the bare minimal statutes of faith such as going to church, praying etc.
While I greatly despise those that live their lives carelessly (and this is very subjective so I wish not to elaborate), I realize that this attitude arose out of a pity of the foolishness that has overtaken very capable and able minds rather than believing I'm better than them. I'm no better and if not by the grace of God, can be caught in the some mire as them. To a great extent, I'm still pretty much stuck with nothing much to show for.
This year, I'll turn 27. I cannot freeze time. I cannot hold on to my youth. I cannot waste it.
I really want to make my life count. If tomorrow were to steal my last breath from me, I want to know my last moments were spent doing something worthwhile. Even if it was just the mundane chores of life, that I did my best and I wasn't just waiting for another day to pass, for the seconds to tick by and not living the moment, whether in joy or sorrow.
Now, 25 seems like light years ago and 17 (oh gosh) was like another lifetime altogether. Someday I'll look back and 30 would seem young. And in a flash, I'd be at heaven's gate with my life displayed before me, either in praise for a life lived worthily for Jesus or at waste like the unfaithful servant who buried his talents and did no good with it, awaiting a greater judgment and the ridicule of regret.
At 17, I thought I'd be changing the world and living it up by 25. Now, I'd be happy to be able to change just that world of just that someone. (For the better of course) I can't even check that off my list and I can't help but get a tad sad at that.
I feel alone at this juncture of life with very few (if any) that share my thoughts, ideals and visions except the husband. But here am I, led astray by the cares of this transient world into the temptation to seek all for self, under the premise that it's ok as long as I somehow still keep the bare minimal statutes of faith such as going to church, praying etc.
While I greatly despise those that live their lives carelessly (and this is very subjective so I wish not to elaborate), I realize that this attitude arose out of a pity of the foolishness that has overtaken very capable and able minds rather than believing I'm better than them. I'm no better and if not by the grace of God, can be caught in the some mire as them. To a great extent, I'm still pretty much stuck with nothing much to show for.
This year, I'll turn 27. I cannot freeze time. I cannot hold on to my youth. I cannot waste it.
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