meanie

i'm not feeling particularly kind. unlike my usual full of goodness self.(yes, don't worry its a joke)

now... like now, i think there's more beauty in my eyebags and zit under my eye and bloaty face than any so called inner beauty.forget inner beauty. beauty is not even skin deep. it is floating somewhere in outer space.

yes, i'm meanie for the day. it's like the whole world owes me a living and God needs to rapture me now!

POUT

when fear and faith collide

watched ''face the giants'' today. floodgate of tears ensued. not surprisingly of course.

life is really so much more than some one dimensional frivolous short-term goal (my life at least). and i hate it when other voices try to tell me otherwise. to sum it up most cryptically , life is about inhaling and exhaling Jesus. and all that He exhorted. to listen, to obey, to enjoy.

some people think i'm trying to lose touch with them. i don't know how to dispute that. it 's not entirely true (which means there's truth) but i can't share my burdens with you. i can't just work for money. if it's going to be all me that i work for, then i won't be able to last long.

unlike you. money is my servant and i refuse to let it take the lead and be my master. not now, not ever. i can't share anything with you of me lest you trample on it with condescension. you don't understand at all when i die inside watching the homeless man sleep under the bridge. or the old lady collecting cardboxes.

but money is not my enemy. it is my bridge to reach the disenfranchised, the poor. singapore can paint whatever beautiful picture it wants to and brush the lower strata of society under the carpet but i'm not going to walk on that carpet and pretend they're not there.

we're praying. but when its Your agenda above ours, i know You will cause it to come to pass. you know what we want to do. you know why we came in partnership. so use us. we already came so far. bring us all the way

when God is my partner, I have no choice but to dream big. looking in the face of my giants of fear of failure and a broken esteem in the eye knowing that when He is on my side, i've already won.

agreed

"The greatest weapon in the arsenal of democracy is the desire for liberty written into the human heart by our Creator. So long as we remain true to our ideals, we will defeat the extremists in Iraq and Afghanistan. We will help those countries' peoples stand up functioning democracies in the heart of the broader Middle East. And when that hard work is done and the critics of today recede from memory, the cause of freedom will be stronger, a vital region will be brighter, and the American people will be safer.
Thank you, and God bless"

George Bush, Historic Speech to Veterans of Foreign Wars National Convention 2007

Thank you Jesus.

today was pretty bad but thank God for friends who can pick me up and send me home and eat piping hot taiwanese porridge in me to soothe it all away.

huge hug for cali.

and huge hug for mummy who decided to buy kenneth cole watch totally out of the blue. sale i think but nonetheless.

and huge hug also for boyfriend who despite long work day still sits up to listen to me rant and is extra loving and kind.

and huge huge hug for Jesus who spoke His sweet comfort into me during painful train ride in horrible peak hour traffic.

i am blessed.

MPC camp

above all, it hit me real hard that it was MARRIAGE preparation and not WEDDING prep.

i kept thinking "aiyar, simple wedding can already". i wazznt expecting a huge fanfare so i was actually quite resentful of spending 3 days in pasir ris just to find out about the 'how to's.

but the camp was really so insightful and good and at the end of it all, despite having just come out of a very bad week only to transit into a very busy week ahead, i am actually very thankful and wish i had known all that earlier. I wish i'd learnt the things taught earlier and my eyes are just so opened now. to hidden issues, relationship dynamics and the place God takes etc.

i thought i knew it all. what else could be new? buti was planning for a lifetime and a covenant ahead. so there's never too little to learn. since i've yet to put much learnt into practice.

its really so major. a covenant that cannot be broken lest we crucify Christ all over again. most of all, even as it tests my commitment to him, i find myself questioning my commitment to Him since i find myself nearly copping out on so many times when i find my circumstances reigning over the truth of His love in my life.

if i don't have the full confidence in me to say i'll never deny Him,(ie say if you put me in a room full of cockroaches and persecute me for my faith) , what's to say i won't deny us when the going gets really tough?

it's a lot of hard work. no, there's an understatement. it's a lot of grit, hardwork, determination and all the love that Jesus is.

i have no confidence in me or in him. but at the end of the day, it's Jesus that makes us so that'll be where i'm fixing my eyes.

off to NZ in a day. will try to write.

bleah

this week hasn't been good. tomorrow i have to return to work coz we simply can't finish. and its national day. and i'm sleep deprived. and i'm still wondering how in the world things are going to work out. my emotions didn't even have time to do their usual roller coaster sequence when things are going topsy turvy. have been rather calm (comparatively) but not so strong. many times i want to crawl into a hole and cry in despair but i don't have time.

so there.

i called 999 for the first time. and 3 times in a day for that matter.
for the record, they took 20 minutes to arrive and i had to depend on my very brave friend ms pang to apprehend the creep.
i screamed at someone in public.
i screamed at the police officer for being stupid.
i realized who i could count on and depend on and was very sad to find you not on the list.
i saw that the people who were there were the ones who never failed to for like the past ten years.
i realize that people really don't understand me.
i realize how desperate i am in need of a miracle.
i wish i have 40 hours in a day and i am actually superwoman so i can do everything by myself and not get affected by people
i never wished for money so much and this is merely because i want to cab like every single time and never take the bus again. and i used to enjoy double decker rides.and i suddenly really wanto access email on the go. and i never ever wish these things!
i have developed an appetite for eggs and bittergourd and brown rice big time. (thanks shuxin)
i signed up for facebook (ok actually cali did it for me so i'm profileless)
i just want to hide on an island named heaven and play masak masak and watch f.r.i.e.n.d.s
i have semi evolved into a misanthrope.
i suddenly wanto start sailing again (for the uninformed, i am a certified sailor. i can actually go out to sea alone) but i don't know when no one allows me to drive alone. always loved the sea but always hated the sun.

FOP report

FOP this year was like awesome.

Delirious? and Don Moen totally sent me catapulting to heaven. i really don't wanto be back but since its better for (you) that i be around, alright, i'll stay.

i love been so enraptured by His presence and enveloped by deep deep worship. I love it. I love Jesus and its so beautifully mutual i think this is the best match ever in heaven.

i love it so so so much. Bless Rev Dr Canon James Wong for spearheading FOP 21 years ago. I've been attending since like JC 7 years ago and every year it gets better. It is worth the crowd, the queues, the stinkoness and everything lah.

i wish i have pictures but need cali to upload even though her camera is erm with me.

and after FOP i did the most unspiritual thing. while the rest were out there buying books and cds, i bought moisturizer.

some of you may remember years ago that Jesus appeared to me in a dream and asked me what i wanted ...and i said "lancome hydrazen"

the very next day, it was presented to me. i nearly kicked myself. IMAGINE IF I ASKED FOR WISDOM!?!?the world would have been a better place.

what's with me and moisturizer?!its protecting my skin but threatening my destiny


I'm standing here waiting for my life to change
when the waters stir You can rearrange me
Just one touch is all i need
I've nothing much but the wounds i feel
I'm looking for the hand of the miracle man

Delirious?- Standing at the feet of the miracle maker

**
-delirious singing "here I am, send me"

me and isaac heard : "give me a ham sandwich!"

"On this day"-Isaac Quek

The gift of your heart,

The gift of your life,

God's unfolding dream for you,

Blazes brighter with every turn

The growing of

Hope, of Joy, of Healing and a good blessing

Growing into the woman you've become

Rising into the woman you've yet to be

On this day God sent down a blessing

To rest in my heart

He sent true friend, irreplaceable, precious in you

On this day the angels celebrate the blessing that is you

and we join with full hearts

in Jesus' celebration too

all that you've been

all that you've seen

these 24 quick measures of time

cannot compare with the glory

that in your destiny shines

He smiles, waiting

your heart ever patiently dscovering

His God-divine surprise

His delight of heart with which He made

How He rejoiced over

When His mind had planned,

and thoughts designed

and hands fashioned you.

No eye has seen, no heart has learnt

the glory which in chambers of light

within His heart abides

But you will learn and you will know

today-a part of the joy with which

His eternal heart rejoiced

When He fathered you this day,

in eternity 24 years ago.

empty well

not the best weekend of my life.

i haven't even been spending my regular time with my Father. so many things i want to say to Him. and it's not just work that's keeping us apart. its the problem that i refuse to let go and give to Him.

i'm cracked and dry.

i've been caught up in the whirlwind of things and have neglected the One. last night, as i dwelt at His feet in His presence, i literally felt slain in the spirit and lay on my bed unable to move or speak with the presence of Him so strong upon me.

i need more of Him in my life. but i don't know how to give more of me. i'm still so selfish and self-seeking instead of God seeking. i'm still caught up with the cares of this life and the pursuit of my dreams that were birthed by Him in the first place for His glory. now, suddenly it seems to be my only agenda and i know i need to be gently prodded back into His arms.

i'm so lovesick.

with all my excuses, i'm still 24 strong

i'm still trying to pretend its really not so soon. that its just the beginning of july and i really have still 3 more weeks. its so surreal--this almost mid 20s thing.i'm not ready for this at all. age is just meaningless. the number of years i spent alive breathing says nothing about what i really am. at times i feel like a little girl and sometimes i feel i've lived centuries. it doesn't say anything about my abilities, my lessons, who i really am.

but nonetheless i choose to be thankful. i am tempted to dismiss this day and hide under the bed because i hate confronting the fact that ive been around for so long (i dunno why). i choose to commemorate His faithfulness above all else and celebrate the journey (the travelled and the yet-to-be).

He created me.found me. saved me. loved me.

all.the.way
every.single.breath

and for that, i'll celebrate my life. all that i am and all that i've been made to be. (sometimes the only reason i think i'll love me is because He first loved me. I can't even stand my own tantrums at times). when i'm living for Him, life is worth living inspite of the pain that accompanies. when i remember the destiny that is unravelling in my life, i know its all worth it.

everyday is a chance for adventure. for goodness. for light to shine. for Jesus to be real in me and through me. and for that to happen, everyday i die. so He lives.


**

Twenty Four-Switchfoot.

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong
See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh
I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and trueI'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies In twenty four parts
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

wrong diagnosis.

if money truly takes on the character of its master, i'll let You be my treasurer over every cent. there issn't much now but use it. I know somehow my needs will still all be provided.

**
so i've been telling my concerned friends that its probably another bout of stomach flu. well, the doctor's confirmed diagnosis however turns out slightly different.

it's a nose,throat and ear infection.

yes, i know. i can never be a doctor.

but i got nausea ok. very bad nausea and giddiness.i thought if it can't be pregnancy must be stomach flu lah! somehow i totally discounted the runny nose and all.
and yesterday i was self medicating on gastric medicine etc.

=\
**
aching ....

over the 45 bux that i spent on medication.

move out of the cosy

just realised that i don't really want a skiing holiday after all. i want to run away with Him. Holy day perhaps. not to escape the life that chokes me up but to recharge and return with strength.

Hence,

times square church, NYC-Jan 08

David Wilkerson inspires me. I'll ski in heaven or whenever, later.

challenge of the day: follow my train of thoughts.

isaac says life is a marathon and i shdn't be so impatient. i agree. sometimes i lose sight of the destination and because of that, i feel like i'm merely existing. i'm not living for Him, for myself or for anyone or for anything. i just breathe enough to last 24 hours and when i reach the 25th, i've made it through another day.

i don't like that. i don't wanto merely exist, or even live just for myself. its not supposed to be like this. life is grander than that. and i find people for who merely exist for the base and shallow so deplorable.there, i said it. its a judgment call..on the act and attitude, not on the person. i just don't want to be ever be like that.

the fire has abated somewhat and i'm restless. i'm wondering what's happening. i live for thrills, the fun and the exciting and suddenly i'm confronted with nothingness alone. i know that i'm on the way to somewhere but the in-between is the place of least excitement.

and of coz that leads to the question, "when i reach there, then what?"

i don't want to hide my personality and be someone else. i'm not someone else. i'm a girl at heart and i have a whole host of idiosyncrosies. my imperfections are perfectly showcased especially on a bad day or when i'm PMSing, or when i don't leave much room for God. while i'll very much like them to go away and let God do a deep work in me, its taking a while, it doesn't warrant comparison and judgment.

i'd like to think that somewhere, even outside this universe, i'm celebrated. me, as a package. not me without faults. perfectly accepted. (don't we all?)but somewhere while writing through the codes of human rights, a perfectionist left that out. a world that doesn't know perfect love makes no provision for imperfection.

today, i had a glimpse of chastisement with love. God made me see some real wrong in me that i refused to see thanks to the self-righteous streak in me. and that dawned on me, it was like "ah!" and i could see Him gently leading me and making my paths straight again. i felt so loved. ever know how that feels?

i don't like birthdays. my own. i don't know when it started. it's not just about the getting old part. i stopped celebrating the day that commemorated my entrance into this world. the mark of my journey. i feel intrinsically tied to that day and i want it so badly to be perfect. but very often, it has not. i try so hard to drown it out with the mundane so i won't think about me. so i won't feel insignificant. i wonder how the party they threw in heaven was like the day i was born again.

if you pluck any random girl out from the street, i'll probably pale in comparison, in almost any aspect. (Except maybe my appetite)yes, i've been nothing and i'm still nothing and i'd just like to think that somewhere, someone celebrates my nothingness.

and even when i reach the point of something, i pray it'll never overwhelm me that i'll forget Him who truly is everything. all in all. through it all.

i like to dwell upon self-worth. everytime i ponder till the point of despair that i'm such a nothing, God always interrupts my chain of thoughts to remind me what He paid for me.

and i smile and weep and rejoice for I AM equivalent to the intrinsic value of the darling of Heaven.

i say, love a 'nothing' today.

4th duckobell.

we crossed our 4th ocean today. by the sure mercies and faithfulness of our Lord Jesus Christ.
and praise God, there were fireworks to decorate our special day too. today i can say i love him more more than 4 years ago. today i can say, that i'm even more sure than i ever was. today i can say that i've tasted His goodness in our lives and it is good.

Honey in the rock.Tough on the outside, but molten sweetness on the inside.

and tomorrow i'll say the same.

singled

these two weeks have felt extremely long. sometimes, even lonely.

i have to be mindful that above all else, He is my partner, my co-labourer, my constant companion. when He arrests my attention and everything around dims until the only light i see is Him, that's the most wonderful feeling in the way and i'm at the highest, unsurpassed peak in this world.

unfortunately, i do not always realise that. sometimes, the daily grind of things causes me to lose focus and open the door for weariness to set in. then, instead of running to the prince for refreshing, i just languish in that state , refusing to go beyond that.

sometimes, i just need a friend to understand. that its not just about the money, the promises it brings to us. sometimes, we labour for a bigger picture. i don't wanto sound like i'm some noble but i'm just so sick of people clamouring only after these things. things have never kept me happy, not for long anyway and they're not owning my heart and life anytime soon.

sometimes, i just want someone to chase God with me. i don't need another shopping companion after a tired day at work, a tired week. i need a friend to hear me out, share our highs and lows and know i have family in this kingdom and a comrade with a common cause.

everyone just wants to hear the blessedness but there were so few to share the struggles.

i really miss my friends so much.

to you, you and you...lets make time soon.

to you, welcome back..i've missed you. =)

to You, i'm sorry for the things i've made it, when it's really all about You.

i like to quote

Theodore Roosevelt:

"the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again ; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end of triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."

the call to sacrifice

the call to sacrifice-Neil T Anderson and Rich Miller

" It seems to be the great ambition of manking to be happy as animals instead of being blessed as children of God. The cross calls us to sacrifice the pleasure of things to gain the pleasures of life. If you shoot for this world, you will miss the next.But if you shoot for the next world, god will provide the good things of this world as well as make provision for the next. Paul puts it this way , " Dicipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; for bodily dicipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. It is a trusworthy statement deserving full acceptance." ( 1 Timonthy 4: 7-9)

"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep in order to gain what he cannot lose"-Jim Elliot, matyred missionary.

returning

sometimes if i'm not careful, i make an idol out of certain things and it takes my focus away from the only one that matters.

until i'm gently nudged to go back to my first love and allow it to take precedence in my life again.

**
put on quite a bit of weight and i feel clumsy. some might like to dispute that i was clumsy when i was skinny but thats not the point. last week i walked into a wooden plank, walked into a man riding a bike and caused him to nearly fall off the bike amongst other things.

i feel like i take up more space than before and thus, things and pple shd make way for me.

i was quite upset abt the increase in weight until i remember my doctor telling me that my bmi prior to my putting on weight was like 17 and that increases risk for osteoporosis.
i was also upset that alot of that weight seems to show up alot on my face.

certain pple are so going to make fun of my cheeks.

sigh.byebye self esteem

who are we really rejecting?

"they don't see you as i do"

i like that God sees me covered by the blood and accepts me in all my humanity. he sees hope in my future despite the little that i am. i don't wanto ever grow independent of him. i like it that He walks through the valleys AND mountaintops and my weaknesses are not repulsive to Him. His love is not cancelled out by anything i do and at my lowest, i can always expect His love to be even sweeter and stronger.

one of my main struggles in life is refusing to fear and take into consideration man's opinion and making the concious choice to put God's opinion over all else. even though He is unseen and they are seen ( to the naked eye).

its so easy to subject myself to the scrutiny of man and allow my esteem to fluctuate according to their moods. not that God sees me as perfected but the acceptance He has for me by virtue of Jesus' qualification and justification is something no man can ever give me and i cherish that more than anything else in the world.

man might read one page in my life and dismiss me but God knows the story, from beginning to the end. and He is determined to walk me through more than i want Him to.

i'm determined to do the same and even though sometimes i fail and find myself swallowed in pride as i despise certain others, nothing pains me more than when even the church despises its own. its nothing out of the ordinary shd we suffer persecution from the world but when the world offers more acceptance than the church, something is seriously wrong.

sarah allis yang shared today about her experience of walking freely and finding acceptance to God, imperfect as she is. i love her spirit and she is one of the christian leaders of today that i truly respect. she doesn't preach a message. her life is the message. her and her whole team at the ark will put any religiousity to shame and i'm so glad our paths crossed. i like the fact that she doesn't bother to hide her imperfections by donning religious robes /dresscodes and comes truly as she is, with her imperfections and flaws. i love her team so much i have to fight impulses to swim over to the states to join them.

i long for this kind of fellowship and brotherly love and i can see how pleased the Father is when His children are like that and having been in the church scene in singapore for well over 10 years, sadly, i have never came close to what they have.

if there weas a prototype for all of us to conform into, then we're missing it. the church of Jesus Christ is meant to be a diverse church because Christ came for the world. the church should have room for all sorts, and not the perfected. the perfect belong to their own narrow minds and should make room for those Jesus died for, the true inheritors of the earth. the sinners, the sick, the outcasts, me.

i wish someone would remember the pit they were hewn from and know that if all they're looking for is top grade (measured by the world's standards , ironically), they cannot expect a revival. coz top grade pple don't think they need Jesus and are few and far between.

make room and shoo!

**
a black man was cast out of a white church some 100 years ago. he lay outside crying at the door, disheartened and dejected. suddenly, Jesus appeared to him. Sobbing, he cried out "Lord, they won't let me in".

Jesus lovingly replied "Son, they won't let me in too"

**

Anchoring.

i found myself in semi panic mode today. after i took caffeine. i know i shdn't have but i did. my blood pressure has always been pretty low and caffeine worsens the condition. soon i found myself spinning, pouring cold sweat and my heart racing. this was followed by waves of nausea.

i hope to learn my lesson. no more caffeine. ever.

also, i was also stressed with financial forecasting. Lack of experience and an unhealthy fear of numbers thanks to failing a maths for 2 years straight didn't help.

so i just panicked and panicked...and all this time my head was spinning and i was pukish.

didn't help until i threw everything aside to just cry out to Him. and being faithful to His child, peace managed to tranquilize my soul and arrest my heart.

phew.

**

found a pretty cool list that pretty much sums up alot of deception we face in the modern world, so i thought i'll share it:

Deception

1) believing that acquiring money and things will bring lasting happiness (ref: Matt 13.22, 1 Tim 6.10)

2)believing that consuming food and alcohol excessively will make me happy (Prov 20.1, 23.19-21)

3)believing that a great body and personality will get me what i want. (Prov 31.10, 1 oeter 3.3-4)

4)believing that gratifying sexual lust will bring lasting satisfaction ( Ephesians 4.22, 1 Peter 2.11)

5)believing that i can sin and get away with it and not have it affect my heart (Hebrews 3.12,13)

6)believing that i need more than what God has given me in Christ ( 2 Cor 11.2-4,3-15)

7)believing that i can do whatever i want and no one can touch me (prov 16.18, obadiah 3, 1 peter 5.5)

8) believing that unrighteous people who refuse to accept Christ go to heaven anyway ( 1 Cor 6.9-11)

9)believing that i can hand around bad company and not become corrupted ( 1 Cor 15.33,34)

10) believing that there are no consequences on earth for my sin ( Gal 6.7-8)

11) believing that i must gain the approval of certain people in order to be happy ( Gal 1.10)

12) believing that i must measure up to certain standards in order to feel good abt myself (Gal 3.2,3;5.1)


recognize anything? let the truth set you free!