"On this day"-Isaac Quek

The gift of your heart,

The gift of your life,

God's unfolding dream for you,

Blazes brighter with every turn

The growing of

Hope, of Joy, of Healing and a good blessing

Growing into the woman you've become

Rising into the woman you've yet to be

On this day God sent down a blessing

To rest in my heart

He sent true friend, irreplaceable, precious in you

On this day the angels celebrate the blessing that is you

and we join with full hearts

in Jesus' celebration too

all that you've been

all that you've seen

these 24 quick measures of time

cannot compare with the glory

that in your destiny shines

He smiles, waiting

your heart ever patiently dscovering

His God-divine surprise

His delight of heart with which He made

How He rejoiced over

When His mind had planned,

and thoughts designed

and hands fashioned you.

No eye has seen, no heart has learnt

the glory which in chambers of light

within His heart abides

But you will learn and you will know

today-a part of the joy with which

His eternal heart rejoiced

When He fathered you this day,

in eternity 24 years ago.

empty well

not the best weekend of my life.

i haven't even been spending my regular time with my Father. so many things i want to say to Him. and it's not just work that's keeping us apart. its the problem that i refuse to let go and give to Him.

i'm cracked and dry.

i've been caught up in the whirlwind of things and have neglected the One. last night, as i dwelt at His feet in His presence, i literally felt slain in the spirit and lay on my bed unable to move or speak with the presence of Him so strong upon me.

i need more of Him in my life. but i don't know how to give more of me. i'm still so selfish and self-seeking instead of God seeking. i'm still caught up with the cares of this life and the pursuit of my dreams that were birthed by Him in the first place for His glory. now, suddenly it seems to be my only agenda and i know i need to be gently prodded back into His arms.

i'm so lovesick.

with all my excuses, i'm still 24 strong

i'm still trying to pretend its really not so soon. that its just the beginning of july and i really have still 3 more weeks. its so surreal--this almost mid 20s thing.i'm not ready for this at all. age is just meaningless. the number of years i spent alive breathing says nothing about what i really am. at times i feel like a little girl and sometimes i feel i've lived centuries. it doesn't say anything about my abilities, my lessons, who i really am.

but nonetheless i choose to be thankful. i am tempted to dismiss this day and hide under the bed because i hate confronting the fact that ive been around for so long (i dunno why). i choose to commemorate His faithfulness above all else and celebrate the journey (the travelled and the yet-to-be).

He created me.found me. saved me. loved me.

all.the.way
every.single.breath

and for that, i'll celebrate my life. all that i am and all that i've been made to be. (sometimes the only reason i think i'll love me is because He first loved me. I can't even stand my own tantrums at times). when i'm living for Him, life is worth living inspite of the pain that accompanies. when i remember the destiny that is unravelling in my life, i know its all worth it.

everyday is a chance for adventure. for goodness. for light to shine. for Jesus to be real in me and through me. and for that to happen, everyday i die. so He lives.


**

Twenty Four-Switchfoot.

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong
See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh
I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and trueI'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies In twenty four parts
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

wrong diagnosis.

if money truly takes on the character of its master, i'll let You be my treasurer over every cent. there issn't much now but use it. I know somehow my needs will still all be provided.

**
so i've been telling my concerned friends that its probably another bout of stomach flu. well, the doctor's confirmed diagnosis however turns out slightly different.

it's a nose,throat and ear infection.

yes, i know. i can never be a doctor.

but i got nausea ok. very bad nausea and giddiness.i thought if it can't be pregnancy must be stomach flu lah! somehow i totally discounted the runny nose and all.
and yesterday i was self medicating on gastric medicine etc.

=\
**
aching ....

over the 45 bux that i spent on medication.

move out of the cosy

just realised that i don't really want a skiing holiday after all. i want to run away with Him. Holy day perhaps. not to escape the life that chokes me up but to recharge and return with strength.

Hence,

times square church, NYC-Jan 08

David Wilkerson inspires me. I'll ski in heaven or whenever, later.

challenge of the day: follow my train of thoughts.

isaac says life is a marathon and i shdn't be so impatient. i agree. sometimes i lose sight of the destination and because of that, i feel like i'm merely existing. i'm not living for Him, for myself or for anyone or for anything. i just breathe enough to last 24 hours and when i reach the 25th, i've made it through another day.

i don't like that. i don't wanto merely exist, or even live just for myself. its not supposed to be like this. life is grander than that. and i find people for who merely exist for the base and shallow so deplorable.there, i said it. its a judgment call..on the act and attitude, not on the person. i just don't want to be ever be like that.

the fire has abated somewhat and i'm restless. i'm wondering what's happening. i live for thrills, the fun and the exciting and suddenly i'm confronted with nothingness alone. i know that i'm on the way to somewhere but the in-between is the place of least excitement.

and of coz that leads to the question, "when i reach there, then what?"

i don't want to hide my personality and be someone else. i'm not someone else. i'm a girl at heart and i have a whole host of idiosyncrosies. my imperfections are perfectly showcased especially on a bad day or when i'm PMSing, or when i don't leave much room for God. while i'll very much like them to go away and let God do a deep work in me, its taking a while, it doesn't warrant comparison and judgment.

i'd like to think that somewhere, even outside this universe, i'm celebrated. me, as a package. not me without faults. perfectly accepted. (don't we all?)but somewhere while writing through the codes of human rights, a perfectionist left that out. a world that doesn't know perfect love makes no provision for imperfection.

today, i had a glimpse of chastisement with love. God made me see some real wrong in me that i refused to see thanks to the self-righteous streak in me. and that dawned on me, it was like "ah!" and i could see Him gently leading me and making my paths straight again. i felt so loved. ever know how that feels?

i don't like birthdays. my own. i don't know when it started. it's not just about the getting old part. i stopped celebrating the day that commemorated my entrance into this world. the mark of my journey. i feel intrinsically tied to that day and i want it so badly to be perfect. but very often, it has not. i try so hard to drown it out with the mundane so i won't think about me. so i won't feel insignificant. i wonder how the party they threw in heaven was like the day i was born again.

if you pluck any random girl out from the street, i'll probably pale in comparison, in almost any aspect. (Except maybe my appetite)yes, i've been nothing and i'm still nothing and i'd just like to think that somewhere, someone celebrates my nothingness.

and even when i reach the point of something, i pray it'll never overwhelm me that i'll forget Him who truly is everything. all in all. through it all.

i like to dwell upon self-worth. everytime i ponder till the point of despair that i'm such a nothing, God always interrupts my chain of thoughts to remind me what He paid for me.

and i smile and weep and rejoice for I AM equivalent to the intrinsic value of the darling of Heaven.

i say, love a 'nothing' today.

4th duckobell.

we crossed our 4th ocean today. by the sure mercies and faithfulness of our Lord Jesus Christ.
and praise God, there were fireworks to decorate our special day too. today i can say i love him more more than 4 years ago. today i can say, that i'm even more sure than i ever was. today i can say that i've tasted His goodness in our lives and it is good.

Honey in the rock.Tough on the outside, but molten sweetness on the inside.

and tomorrow i'll say the same.

singled

these two weeks have felt extremely long. sometimes, even lonely.

i have to be mindful that above all else, He is my partner, my co-labourer, my constant companion. when He arrests my attention and everything around dims until the only light i see is Him, that's the most wonderful feeling in the way and i'm at the highest, unsurpassed peak in this world.

unfortunately, i do not always realise that. sometimes, the daily grind of things causes me to lose focus and open the door for weariness to set in. then, instead of running to the prince for refreshing, i just languish in that state , refusing to go beyond that.

sometimes, i just need a friend to understand. that its not just about the money, the promises it brings to us. sometimes, we labour for a bigger picture. i don't wanto sound like i'm some noble but i'm just so sick of people clamouring only after these things. things have never kept me happy, not for long anyway and they're not owning my heart and life anytime soon.

sometimes, i just want someone to chase God with me. i don't need another shopping companion after a tired day at work, a tired week. i need a friend to hear me out, share our highs and lows and know i have family in this kingdom and a comrade with a common cause.

everyone just wants to hear the blessedness but there were so few to share the struggles.

i really miss my friends so much.

to you, you and you...lets make time soon.

to you, welcome back..i've missed you. =)

to You, i'm sorry for the things i've made it, when it's really all about You.

i like to quote

Theodore Roosevelt:

"the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again ; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end of triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."

the call to sacrifice

the call to sacrifice-Neil T Anderson and Rich Miller

" It seems to be the great ambition of manking to be happy as animals instead of being blessed as children of God. The cross calls us to sacrifice the pleasure of things to gain the pleasures of life. If you shoot for this world, you will miss the next.But if you shoot for the next world, god will provide the good things of this world as well as make provision for the next. Paul puts it this way , " Dicipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; for bodily dicipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. It is a trusworthy statement deserving full acceptance." ( 1 Timonthy 4: 7-9)

"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep in order to gain what he cannot lose"-Jim Elliot, matyred missionary.

returning

sometimes if i'm not careful, i make an idol out of certain things and it takes my focus away from the only one that matters.

until i'm gently nudged to go back to my first love and allow it to take precedence in my life again.

**
put on quite a bit of weight and i feel clumsy. some might like to dispute that i was clumsy when i was skinny but thats not the point. last week i walked into a wooden plank, walked into a man riding a bike and caused him to nearly fall off the bike amongst other things.

i feel like i take up more space than before and thus, things and pple shd make way for me.

i was quite upset abt the increase in weight until i remember my doctor telling me that my bmi prior to my putting on weight was like 17 and that increases risk for osteoporosis.
i was also upset that alot of that weight seems to show up alot on my face.

certain pple are so going to make fun of my cheeks.

sigh.byebye self esteem

who are we really rejecting?

"they don't see you as i do"

i like that God sees me covered by the blood and accepts me in all my humanity. he sees hope in my future despite the little that i am. i don't wanto ever grow independent of him. i like it that He walks through the valleys AND mountaintops and my weaknesses are not repulsive to Him. His love is not cancelled out by anything i do and at my lowest, i can always expect His love to be even sweeter and stronger.

one of my main struggles in life is refusing to fear and take into consideration man's opinion and making the concious choice to put God's opinion over all else. even though He is unseen and they are seen ( to the naked eye).

its so easy to subject myself to the scrutiny of man and allow my esteem to fluctuate according to their moods. not that God sees me as perfected but the acceptance He has for me by virtue of Jesus' qualification and justification is something no man can ever give me and i cherish that more than anything else in the world.

man might read one page in my life and dismiss me but God knows the story, from beginning to the end. and He is determined to walk me through more than i want Him to.

i'm determined to do the same and even though sometimes i fail and find myself swallowed in pride as i despise certain others, nothing pains me more than when even the church despises its own. its nothing out of the ordinary shd we suffer persecution from the world but when the world offers more acceptance than the church, something is seriously wrong.

sarah allis yang shared today about her experience of walking freely and finding acceptance to God, imperfect as she is. i love her spirit and she is one of the christian leaders of today that i truly respect. she doesn't preach a message. her life is the message. her and her whole team at the ark will put any religiousity to shame and i'm so glad our paths crossed. i like the fact that she doesn't bother to hide her imperfections by donning religious robes /dresscodes and comes truly as she is, with her imperfections and flaws. i love her team so much i have to fight impulses to swim over to the states to join them.

i long for this kind of fellowship and brotherly love and i can see how pleased the Father is when His children are like that and having been in the church scene in singapore for well over 10 years, sadly, i have never came close to what they have.

if there weas a prototype for all of us to conform into, then we're missing it. the church of Jesus Christ is meant to be a diverse church because Christ came for the world. the church should have room for all sorts, and not the perfected. the perfect belong to their own narrow minds and should make room for those Jesus died for, the true inheritors of the earth. the sinners, the sick, the outcasts, me.

i wish someone would remember the pit they were hewn from and know that if all they're looking for is top grade (measured by the world's standards , ironically), they cannot expect a revival. coz top grade pple don't think they need Jesus and are few and far between.

make room and shoo!

**
a black man was cast out of a white church some 100 years ago. he lay outside crying at the door, disheartened and dejected. suddenly, Jesus appeared to him. Sobbing, he cried out "Lord, they won't let me in".

Jesus lovingly replied "Son, they won't let me in too"

**

Anchoring.

i found myself in semi panic mode today. after i took caffeine. i know i shdn't have but i did. my blood pressure has always been pretty low and caffeine worsens the condition. soon i found myself spinning, pouring cold sweat and my heart racing. this was followed by waves of nausea.

i hope to learn my lesson. no more caffeine. ever.

also, i was also stressed with financial forecasting. Lack of experience and an unhealthy fear of numbers thanks to failing a maths for 2 years straight didn't help.

so i just panicked and panicked...and all this time my head was spinning and i was pukish.

didn't help until i threw everything aside to just cry out to Him. and being faithful to His child, peace managed to tranquilize my soul and arrest my heart.

phew.

**

found a pretty cool list that pretty much sums up alot of deception we face in the modern world, so i thought i'll share it:

Deception

1) believing that acquiring money and things will bring lasting happiness (ref: Matt 13.22, 1 Tim 6.10)

2)believing that consuming food and alcohol excessively will make me happy (Prov 20.1, 23.19-21)

3)believing that a great body and personality will get me what i want. (Prov 31.10, 1 oeter 3.3-4)

4)believing that gratifying sexual lust will bring lasting satisfaction ( Ephesians 4.22, 1 Peter 2.11)

5)believing that i can sin and get away with it and not have it affect my heart (Hebrews 3.12,13)

6)believing that i need more than what God has given me in Christ ( 2 Cor 11.2-4,3-15)

7)believing that i can do whatever i want and no one can touch me (prov 16.18, obadiah 3, 1 peter 5.5)

8) believing that unrighteous people who refuse to accept Christ go to heaven anyway ( 1 Cor 6.9-11)

9)believing that i can hand around bad company and not become corrupted ( 1 Cor 15.33,34)

10) believing that there are no consequences on earth for my sin ( Gal 6.7-8)

11) believing that i must gain the approval of certain people in order to be happy ( Gal 1.10)

12) believing that i must measure up to certain standards in order to feel good abt myself (Gal 3.2,3;5.1)


recognize anything? let the truth set you free!

announcement

i'm very pleased to announce that supper is a legitimate meal. because Jesus ate supper. HALLEHLUJAH!

the last supper remember??

why wait?

one day every tongue will confess You are God, one day every knee will bow
but the greatest treasure remains for those
who gladly choose You now

thought of the day

let my valleys be full of Your joy and peace, as i behold your majesty. let man not see me when i'm on the mountain tops but see the banner declaring your son, lifted even higher that they may know that You are sovereign in my life.

undone

"woe is me , for I am undone!
because I am a man of unclean lips
and i dwell in the midst of a people with unclean lips
for my eyes have seen the King
The Lord of Hosts"

Isaiah 6.5

Church camp 2007 report.

back. and so changed. this time, it's different. its no longer just an experience, a spectacular demonstration of power and majesty. this time, i'm convicted

i'm almost speechless so be patient while i struggle to string my thoughts. i repent of every disdainful thought i had towards this trip. God blew my mind, wrestled for my mind and won my mind (and heart). its not just everything made right. i dont wanto boast abt anything and make myself sound like the greater saint but somehow this time round, i felt almost sold out.for Him.that nothing else matters.

my own agendas appeared to have laid to rest. i don't know but i don't think i have the strength to resurrect them again. i used to be afraid, that He'll give me an assignment i don't like but now, i'm seeing the fruits of obedience and the grace that comes to equip me when i deny my mind and say '' yes''.

the deep desire of my heart is nothing more than His pleasure and making Him happy. i feel like i can't live at all if its not the best He wants. i'm a love sick bride of Christ. just excuse me.

prophecies galore but that's not even the highlight. so many confimations. they just serve as accessories to the main thing. was so engulfed with molten love i was incapacitated and speechless. tears flowed freely but the joy deep within was incomprehensible. i was not satisfied...i thought i'd be but i found myself wanting more.

all the struggles have ceased by now as i die. as the waters went into the dead sea and emerged from the other side as fresh living waters, watch while i die. don't hold on. i've been crucified with my Lord and i want so badly to live as He'd want me to . i almost think some of you will think like you lost a friend. because i'll be unfamiliar..but i take heart that some of you will gain a better friend. dying to myself so that Christ can come alive in me. to take territories for God, i must first surrender my own.

it's all so precious to me i'm afraid that if i share with the spirit of unbelief, the value of it all will be diminished. so pardon me if i don't put it here.

still discovering more as i incline myself to His voice. i saw the mantle. i wanto finish the race well.

now i feel truly victorious. its the marrying of the shulamite and the nazarite in me. no longer just lovesick in worship but i love enough to fight back and take back, for His cause. the nazarites fight..hard.love hard.

suddenly i'm not aware of my limitations and inadequacies that scream '' im just me, what can i do?" but i just wanto do it because i hate the things he hate and love the things he love.

strange ..if you knew me.

"just give me 12 men who fear nothing but God and hate nothing but sin".

testament of my creativity

this is totally random. and it came to me at 1.23 am. i'm cracking up making fun of my name.

some time ago, dear shuxin suggested we call our new business 'xin corp'.

tonight this came to me, i cld easily change my name to ling er ring (lingering) or ling er rie (lingerie).

my surname is just so funky.

pam, its such a pity you became a ting. we were almost family. i know no one else who can lay claim to the strange dialect grp.

don't remind me i'm turning quek.

no...wait, its quek-ling.

unexpected.

there is a third world country in our midst and so often, i go through the day caught up in my own problems which i thought are bigger than God i turn a blind eye to the needs of others, which i can so easily meet.

i cannot on my own profess to have a heart made of gold. sometimes i think i've got a rather stony heart but i really thought i felt a stab of pain when He illuminated my eyes to share the plight of others.

last sunday in church, i was singing with my heart to really know His heart and the words that resounded so strongly were "break my heart for what breaks Yours" and this very week, that prayer materialized. it was more than I asked for and called for a sacrifice.

i still don't know if i have it in me to obey but i'm praying for the grace to obey. break me if it has to be done but the flesh is really rebelling against it.

now i'm in a position to give, more than a convenient prayer but really give till it hurts. but somehow, even though i know its going to wound my flesh, i'm inclined to that idea. let my spirit win this battle please.

i don't want to weigh the consequences or the options but if what i've 'earned' can be accrued to someone else, i just pray now that that recipient can see what Jesus earned for her.

oh, please pray for me. to have the heart to obey now that i've heard. its already so blessed to hear. maybe this will break my tendency to self-pity and whine when the going gets tough. it really takes the spotlight off me and i really truly get to go about my Father's business.

until i forget me, i never really remember Him.